Chapter Text
May 2015.
Loving you
Harry turned the ring between his fingers. The gold felt cold and had not caught up to the warmth of his skin yet. It was plain and simple, a bare, solid testimony of affection. No diamond-bling, no engravings because this wasn't them, too cheesy.
They never were like that, and if you thought about it, somehow they never really were anything at all.
Except they were. Not anything but everything.
Isn't the right thing to do
You know that feeling, the undeniable attraction, hearts pulling together and and emotions controlling behavior instead of reflected considerations
Nothing planned, just acting out of pure instinct. Urges triggering impulses, impulses silencing doubts, cravings controlling movement.
It's chaos and sometimes brutal, but it's pure and always so beautifully real.
How can I
So this was it. This was them. This was Zayn and Harry 24/7.
Ever change things that I feel
A slow burn. But most disastrous firestorms start out like this.
Unseen from the public eye. Blazing ever so innocently and well hidden. Only a revealing breath of smoke alerting those around and granting a small chance to take action, maybe prevent the catastrophe from happening.
Clues ever so small they were to be overlooked easily. The danger underestimated, the flame lighting up, quickly growing strong and finally bursting, exploding into an unstoppable, life-threatening wildfire, leaving everything and everyone around to burn up in it.
If I could
So this was it. This was them. This was Zayn and Harry burning up in the flames oft their destructive mess, which they never explicitly called love, but what it most definitely had always been.
So this was it. This was them. This was Zayn and Harry going down in flames, and taking everybody around with them.
Baby, I'd give you my world
Later on somehow no one could quite recall how the hell they did let it get this far. Utter bullish.
Truth be told, they were just soothing themselves. Sooner or later, at a certain point, everyone had seen it coming. Yet, they'd all been purposely turning their heads. Squeezing their eyes shut, like children, firmly believing if pretending the problem wasn't there at all, it would eventually sort out itself.
Naivety out of convenience. So bloody human.
How can I
See, the problem was, they didn't really think. Nobody was fully aware of all the possible consequences.
Underestimating the blaze, they refused to acknowledge the rising smoke. So naturally, in the end it had been a series of chain reactions.
They were young and therefore impulsive. Not capable of handling much less controlling their emotions, and therefore so utterly weak.
When you won't take it from me
So when in the end everything came crashing down, everyone kind of just stood there. Watching it all happen, frozen into place, unable to move in the eye of the storm.
The fire burning down the phenomenon of One Direction, their achievement, their legacy.
Them acting all surprised and taken aback in the end. Pretty hypocritical, cause at some point, sooner or later, everyone who knew had seen it coming. And everyone knew. Even though they'd never explicitly told anyone. It had been obvious to everyone around and those telling you otherwise are bloody liars.
(you can go your own way)
Perhaps defining the exact moment of their beginning was the only thing arguable. If there had ever been one.
Thinking back it must have started somewhere along the lines between Harry distancing himself from Louis and moving to L.A. Seeking out for a different kind of lifestyle. Drifting in another direction, whereas the boys and especially Zayn had always been keen on staying close to home.
So maybe separation had been the trigger, with life itself taking a pull, as both of them developed independently throughout the years: In character, vision and style, without peer-behavior taking too much of an influence. Maturing and building lives around girlfriends, paying attention to rather their own individual needs and interests, without being restricted by respect and consideration towards others. The loose bond of their group still very very strong, but with every single one of them now paralelly living their own lives.
Go your own way
So yeah, one has to put it on the physical distance and them going alone most oft he time,- in fact only reuniting for tour, shows and interviews, keeping in touch solely through messages and distant phone calls,- to somehow reduce their initially brotherly relationship to an almost strictly business one.
All of them developing into individuals, who, if not sharing a past and incredible experiences probably wouldn't be friends at all. But still, though heartfelt conversations became the absolute exception, their fundamental trust and bond between each other could never be shattered. Somewhere along the line they had reached a point, at which they knew the others to be around no matter what, but that most problems were easily to be solved on their own. And if it was only to avoid bothering and stealing each others times with family.
You can call it another lonely day
It may sound devastatingly sad, loveless and shallow, lacking honesty, passion and ardour, tagged with an expiry date due to a lack of heartfelt commitment.
But it wasn't. On contrary, it had basically been the healthiest form of a relationship. Their unbreakable bond staying strong as ever, despite geographical and emotional distance. They had matured by reducing to sharing the big news, not living through each others occasional mood swings and everyday dramas. Now rather loving and admiring each other within the borders of their personal freedom. It was as liberating as it was peaceful.
(you can go your own way)
So it was distance and independence that caused Harry to mature into that charming, charismatic bastard wrapping everyone around his little finger. Growing to perfection the moment he left for L.A. and he was well aware of it. The lesser he cared, about his looks and appearances the stronger his spell seemed to cast. Harry became Hollywood's new golden boy, the perfect combination of a Rockstar and a gentleman. Ever since he'd let his hair grow out and started showing off his tattoos, perfectly matching Yves Saint Laurent suits up with a predatory smile, the world lay at his feet. Over times he'd fucked his way through Victoria's Secret and the adolescent music business. Confidence growing with the experience, he finally settled within his character. Harry calmed, relaxed and eventually found inner balance. A charming, quick-witted and secretive little fucker, who enjoyed the Rockstar lifestyle to its fullest and was well appreciated even from significantly more influential artists. Harry was well respected, quite often even admired.
So it was distance and independence causing Zayn to evolve into that dark, mysterious creature, equally admired and feared for his beauty and indifference. The unmoving, distant face, with angles and contoures so sharp and pretty, fascinating both men and women alike, combined with his outstanding voice became the death of the masses. Imagine the typical bad boy with the romantic streak, the outspoken cliché of the hard shell and the soft core. He became that perfect counterpole, simply everything Harry was not. Zayn unlike Harry may have also been given wings and learned how to fly, but simply chose not to. Loyal and devoted only towards his closest friends and family, and of course Perrie. Unlike Harry Zayn had chosen one girl to stay true to, to call him hers. Peace and stability in his private life, focusing rather on improving his talent and new forms of creative works. Of course his genius didn't stay unnoticed, and just like Harry he soon became well respected, quite often even admired by those, he once used to call his idols.
Go your own way
So you see it's actually surprising, that even under those completely opposite circumstances, them facing different challenges and impressions in their everyday lives, they yet, when stripped down to the bare, naked soul of their being, turned out to be so very much alike. Both worshipping personal freedom as the greatest good. Both strong and certain in character, within the extent of their own free will, aware of their personal desires and needs. Confident enough to demand what they knew they deserved, while yet being considerate and receptive towards the other people around.
So you see, it's actually funny that within their group of five, Zayn's and Harry's private desires and needs have always differed the most, and yet, broken down to the bare, naked soul of their being, their two hearts were beating the same rhythm.
Tell me why
So over the course of their third year as a band Zayn changed and Harry changed. And as a consequence, so did the dynamic of their relationship.
Everything turned around
The fire found fertile ground within their heightened emotions on stage. The rush taking over, lulling basic instincts and sharpening their senses. Causing the boys to simply drift and let themselves carry with the energy of the crowd. Vibrating with the feeling of the unshakable bond of their brotherhood.
In their on-stage presence Harry and Zayn were very much alike. Smooth and relaxed yet always spot on. Never too loud, or too anxious, at times almost stoically calm. Leaving most of the talking to Louis or Liam out of covenience. Occasionally however Harry would break out of his pattern. Sometimes, he would get carried away by the thrill, pressure and excitement becoming too much to be held captive within his youthful heart. Those times he would goofily act out, or hide his own excitement behind a charming smile, distracting the audience from his own nervousness by telling jokes that were not funny or sharing childhood stories.
It's something Zayn never did. He never lost control. Keeping is face straight and stare intense, there were moments he would look and Harry and see right through him, strip him down to his bare, naked soul. Harry would always hold his gaze, feeling equally fascinated and terrified. Shivering from goose bumps spreading along his skin, but he would never back down and blink away. Always too fucking proud to buckle and let it show. Let it show how much effect Zayn's gaze alone had on him.
Packing up
So this was them onstage. Zayn being unbreakable, where Harry sometimes couldn't contain himself.
Offstage however, on big events and shows, or when going out clubbing, simply everytime it meant an enormous amount of people monitoring their every move; it was Zayn who suffered most. This was Harry's territory. The masses simply seemed to move after his will. Where Zayn nervously fumbled through the pockets of his leather jacket, in search for cigarettes, not relaxing until the calming taste of nicotine passed his lips, Harry never felt out of place. Zayn never let it show of course, appearing stoically calm and almost bored, but always stayed hidden in the background, whereas Harry took the limelight with ease. Of course Zayn and Harry alike never felt out of place on the red carpets, facing the flash of thousands of cameras, as in their hearts they both knew they belonged, but it was only Harry who could really enjoy the attention. Zayn never could bring himself to actually like it, but he loved watching Harry charm the crowds. Seeing as they all profited from people going head over heals just in order to please Harry, and eventually also his bandmates. Zayn just didn't need that kind of power for his own. It was Harry's territory and Zayn never felt the need to take a piss there.
And Harry knew, of course he knew. Whenever he caught a glimpse of Zayn nervously flicking his lighter, while talking to producers, or his tenendcy to excuse himself to somewhere more private, not returning for another half an hour.
So Harry knew and Zayn simply shrugged whenever he could feel the stare on him, pretending not to care at all. Always too fucking proud to let it show, how much effect Harry's gaze alone had on him.
Shacking up's all you wanna do
So this is how it started. No designated moment, no exact timing, but a slow shift. Them changing. Their dynamic changing.
Them somehow constantly seeking each other out, looking, staring, sometimes without even meaning to, but always with curiosity and alarming determination. Stirring each other up, without any of them being too obvious about it.
So them somehow developing a strange dynamic was the first shift, the flicker, the initial spark of change falling on dry ground, enlightening the flame.
The second shift came with a silent bang, but still as a shock for Zayn, when for the very first time Harry pulled a guy in front of his eyes.
Perrie was practically living with them on tour that time. Brazil was hot and loud, the club they had gone to vibrating with temptation and thrill in the dimmed lights. The buzz of alcohol and weed already kicking in, sharpening Zayn’s senses but numbing his limbs and slowing his movements.He was resting back against the dark leather of the seats in their private booth, Perrie to his left laughing at something Sophia and Liam told her.
Zayn was watching Louis and Niall chatting up a group of girls on the dancefloor, when he suddenly caught sight of Harry leaning in on a tall, lean and incredibly fit guy. With naturally blond hair styled into a loose quiff, his facial features so sharp the neon-lights were reflecting upon the cut of his cheekbones, with piercing blue eyes and a strong jawline. Zayn couldn't recall his name, but he recognized his face from the countless ads, lately popping up everywhere, as somewhat being Armani's new favourite.
Zayn could totally see why; as could Harry apparently. In complete disregard for any personal space Harry whispered into the bloke's ear, lips visibly brushing over his earlobe with every word spoken. If the guy's face was anything to go by, he felt undoubtedly flattered, but acted, for reasons of heterosexuality, rather reserved. Even from distance Zayn could see his body tensing. Zayn smirked when he suddenly recalled reading a headline stating that the guy was currently double-dating Kendall and Kylie. -Which apparently Harry did not know, or could not be arsed about. As seeing it right now, he incidentally let his fingers trace the outline of a tattoo on the boys wrist, that Zayn could not fully spot from the distance.
Zayn had heard about it from Louis first. About Harry sometimes pulling blokes for fun. Or for liking, Louis on his behalf had never been too sure about that. Zayn had never bothered to ask for details though.
Now, thinking about it, there had been an evening, about six months ago, where they had been hanging out together on the balcony of Liam's hotel suite in Sydney, when the topic had come up. Louis had drunkenly accused Harry of doing it for the thrill of the game. Harry's smile at that had been nothing but suggestive. He had risen his Gin Tonic: "that...and cause I like a challenge" before downing it all in one go. Adding "Think I could never love a bloke though" a few seconds later and resting his head on Zayn's shoulder. And that had been it.
So Zayn had heard about Harry occasionally pulling blokes, but never actually witnessed it. So naturally he felt intrigued and unable to avert his eyes, watching as the blonde blushed and slowly lost his cool over Harry’s more or less subtle avances. The guy never took a step back though, put little to no effort into increasing distance between their bodies again. Not that Harry would have let him anyway.
Zayn shifted in his position, leaning forward, to better follow Harry's moves. He saw him licking his lips, quickly but inviting. Zayn saw his long fingers play with the hair in the boy's neck, sometimes resting and squeezing into the sensitive skin there. Zayn noticed Harry's dimples showing upon a winning smile, whenever the blonde could not help but laugh at something he'd said. Zayn saw it all, and took it in. Also the way the guys face displayed his inner struggle of being equally tempted and curious but frightened and uncertain on new territory. Eventually Harry made the decision for him, refusing to give up this close to the finishline. Zayn felt the breath hitch in his throat when Harry suddenly took a step to the left, and aligned himself up on the blonde's back, clearly catching the guy off-guard. Harry's arms circled his hips from behind, hooking teasing long fingers onto the waistband of his pants and pressed their bodys against each other. The blonde visibly froze.
As so did Zayn, when in the very same moment Harry caught up on his gaze. Looking over the guy's shoulder, blinking not even once in the flashing lights. The second their eyes locked, Zayn felt unnecessarily embarrassed for being caught. He managed to keep his face cool, though his heart was pounding hard against his ribcage, electrified from the sudden shock. Harry held the stare with an intensity, Zayn felt a shiver running down his spine. He didn't turn away though, and neither did Harry. Not when he lowered his head to press his lips against the sensitive skin behind the blondes earlobe. Not when he let his hands slide down the boy's torso until they finally disappeared under the waistband of his jeans. And not even when his companion finally gave in: responding by letting his head fall back against Harry's shoulder and pushing into the touch. No, Harry did not once avert his eyes. And Zayn would never forget the predatory grin of victory spreading across his face, when his latest conquest finally turned around, seizing him by the collar, and dragged him off towards the back exit. It was only when the door had fallen shut behind the pair, that Zayn realised he had grown hard.
If I could
So this was the second shift. Them somehow crossing an undefined line, the flame lighting up.
That night had caused Zayn to fuck Perrie particularly hard and loudly against the headboard of their hotel bed. Sex had been rough and animalistic, with Perrie ass-up on her knees, hands tied behind her head, moaning and swearing at the same time, soaking wet from the sensation of being manhandled like that. Little did she know about the spots of green, dancing in front of her boyfriends eyes, and when Zayn finally came, the "fucking bastard" leaving his lips was spitten unheard against the softness of the silken cushions.
So, this could have been it. But it wasn't.