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“Get up you lot!” Percy exclaimed, “We’ve made front page!”
Grog scowled at him over Pike’s head, where she had fallen asleep on his chest. “Shut up, Percy, she’s still tired.”
Grog’s huge hand patted her back lightly, which was to everyone’s utter relief, rising and falling with the motion of her breath again. “Guess dying really takes it outta you,” he said, more softly.
“Yes,” Percy said, “I suppose it would. Do you know if anyone else is up as yet?”
Grog shrugged the one shoulder hanging off the width of the couch. “ain’t heard anyone yet.”
As if on cue, Vax slunk into the main area of the apartment, wearing only a pair of boxers and shoving the hair out of his face.
“Christ you’re all loud,” he said, opening the fridge, and drinking the orange juice straight from the carton, “We just saved the fuckkng president, can’t we rest for twenty-four hours?”
Percy wrinkled his nose at him. “Can you not do that?” he asked
Vax locked eyes with him, and chugged from the carton like he was in a frat house hazing.
“Brother, gross,” Vax said, emerging from the twins’ room, and shoving Vax out of the way of the fridge, “the rest of us have to use that too, you know.”
“We made front page, you know,” Percy told them.
“I should hope so, we exorcized the president” Vex said, popping a soggy box of takeout in the microwave, “Above the fold?”
Percy held the newspaper out to her, which she snatched from his hands, “Half page spread, leading headline, leading story, and-“ he said, smiling as Vex tore through the paper, “buried page twelve human interest piece on the resurrection in the temple afterwards.”
“Holy shit,” Vex said, and then she laughed, spreading the newspaper on the table, pointing out an article to Percy, “Look, even the op ed’s like us!”
“Oy! All! Guess what!” Scanlan said, popping his head out of his door in a velvet bathrobe, “We’re trending on twitter!”
Vex stuffed a forkful of reheated chicken lo mein in her mouth “did the name change take?”
“Yup,” Scanlan said, scrolling through his phone, “Not a mention of the SHITs anywhere I can see. Although, lots of people are trying to create a proper hashtag weird ways. VoxMox, VoxMach, Machina, and on and on,” Scanlan smacked the phone against his palm, “See, I told you we should have been thinking about publicity and merchandizing when we picked a team name! The SHITs is punchy! Topical! Flashy! Can’t you just see the hats and mugs?”
“You don’t think that people would have had problems walking around with ‘SHIT’ written on their shirts?” Vax said, wrestling with the coffee maker, “It’d be a hard sell even for you, Shorthalt.”
“Hey,” Scanlan pointed his phone at him, “I would have you know I would be an exceptional shitty T-shirt salesman!”
“Well, don’t get too cocky,” Percy said, “There’s cellphone footage of you plummeting out of the presidential office going viral, at the moment. I think you might be hard pressed to find yourself a job selling anything but health insurance or airbags.”
Scanlan groaned, “You miss an attempted stabbing at a possessed head of state one time, no one lets you forget it,” he tossed himself dramatically onto on of the kitchen chairs, and stole some of Vex’s lo mein, “no respect for the craft anymore.”
Vex smacked his knuckles with her fork, “Not all of us toss themselves out the window in the attempt, darling. Get your own takeout, this is mine by right of conquest, and also by the right of I was the one that actually paid for it.”
“We live above a Chinese restaurant! Scanlan said, making another grab for a chunk of chicken, “we barely pay for takeout anyway.”
“But I did,” Vex replied, lifting her box out of Scanlan’s reach, “So bugger off and get your own.”
Percy, who had been reading the rest of he newspaper made a surprised noise down the table.
Vax, victorious in his battle against the ancient and much-modified coffee maker, raised his eyebrows. “Care to share with the class, Freddie?”
“Have you read the president’s remarks yet today?” Percy asked,
Vax passed him a cup of coffee, and wrapped himself back around his own, a mess of skinny half elf limbs covered in scars from knife fights and knife not-fights and stick and poke tattoos.
“Percy, I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m so hungover that it’s frankly a minor miracle that I am vertical, at the moment. Why don’t you give me the cliff notes?”
Percy took the proffered mug thankfully, and pointed at the newspaper, three quarters down the page, fourth page, first section.
“The president offers his sincere thanks, his gratitude that his family is safe, how frightened he was, feared for his nation -on and on, we all know that sort of thing- and is, pay attention now, extending the warmest offer of friendship and as a gesture of his appreciation, offering to give Vox Machina a place on the Emon council, with all the property and privileges that entails.”
Percy stopped reading, and turned up grinning to face the rest of the group “Do you know what that means?”
At that moment, a large and bleary sabre toothed tiger walked slowly out of the hall, and collapsed at Percy’s feet. Percy scratched it behind the ears.
“Good morning to you too, Keyleth. Did you know we’re about to become owners of a small estate?”
Vex choked on her noodles, “We’re what?”
“About to become property owners!” Percy said, dawning sense of wonderment, “all members of the council of the city have to own property within the city boundaries- it’s an old city, rules like that go back hundreds of years- The president’s going to give us a piece of property in the capital to live in, rent free, as thanks for saving his life.”
Vex put her takeout down, and pushed it in Scanlan’s direction, who happily claimed it. “Really?
“Yes, it appears so,” Percy said, and couldn’t help the grin creeping across his face, “It appears the good president Uriel has made us.”
“Fuck that,” Vex said, “We’ve made ourselves.”
She sat back a moment in shock.
“Hey stubby,” Vax said, elbowing her lightly, “you’re about to be a home owner.”
“Holy shit,” she said, and then again louder, with more exuberance, “holy SHIT!”
She launched herself at Vax, who laughed to catch her and spun her around in the kitchen, “We’ve made it! Vax, we’re respectable! We’re hireable! No more fucking Craigslist go-fetch jobs, or hauling people around the country for us, no more clearing out fucking mimics from storage rental units, we’ve made it!”
Percy grinned at them, and then looked down at Keyleth, who was now sitting as a very hungover half elf on the floor, resting her head against his knees.
“Hello you,” Percy said, “Did you hear all that?”
“Doessat mean we’re not going to be living over the Laughing Lamia any more?” she said.
“Probably not,” Percy said, and passed her his untouched cup of coffee. Keyleth took a sip and shuddered, but pressed on to take another drink.
“You know, I don’t think I ever even asked what a lamia was.”
“Type of demon, I think.” Percy said, as Keyleth settled herself more comfortably against the front of his shins, “Ate children, if memory serves and legends are correct, neither of which are guaranteed, so don’t quote me on that.”
“Oh,” Keyleth said, and frowned. She looked around at the apartment the seven of them shared, taking in the wrinkling wallpaper and the cracked window, and the five star view of an alley wall out the living room window. “Why did we move in here to begin with?”
“I do seem to remember it being the only place willing to take ‘ittenerant adventurers for hire’ as an acceptable source of income, and accept a bear as a tenant.”
“Yeah, but they charged extra for trinket, so does that even really count?” Keyleth said, “I would have though that would be a perk for them.”
She said that whole sentence without breaks between the words or opening her eyes.
“Oh, you’re very hungover, aren’t you?” Percy said, trying to combine amusement and sympathy, “What did you do?”
“I tried to keep up with Pike an’ Vax an’ Grog doing shots,” Keyleth said miserably, “She’s so little. And she just died. I thought I could do it.”
“You’ll have another chance,” Percy promised.
“No, I won’t because I’m never drinking again.”
“Come now, how will we break in our new house without getting at least mostly smashed and dancing on the furniture?”
Keyleth groaned, and let her head fall back against his knees, “Percy, you never drink with us,”
“How about this, then,” Percy offered, “We’ll move into whatever manor the city officials scramble to empty up and make habitable, I will find a bottle of something utterly terrible and get roaring drunk with you. How is that?”
Keyleth reached blindly behind her and patted Percy’s calf.
“’s good. “ she said, “I’m glad we’re not gonna be living here still. I can hear all the trains at night, and the roof leaks.”
“I know,” Percy said, “but we’re moving up the world, finally. No more leaky roofs or muggings in the back alley for us any more.”
Keyleth squinted up at him, “Are people gonna start recognizing us? Oh god, they totally are, aren’t they?”
“It’s probably already started, yes.” Percy admitted, “I will confess to not really knowing on account of not having a facebook or twitter.”
“You’re such a weird luddite for someone so obsessed with technology,” Keyleth said, and smacked him lightly on the leg, and continued with affection, “Weirdo.”
“We all have our crosses to bear,” Percy said, “but at least we can bear them in significantly more comfortable living quarters going forwards.”
“Be nice to live in a house again,” Keyleth said, “As much as I love living with you all-“
“Oh no, I quite understand, it’s rather like living with half a dozen siblings underfoot,” Percy said absentmindedly, “To love one’s family, one needs to get away from them on occasion.”
Keyleth wrapped one arm around his legs, and sat her boney chin on his knees. “Is this going to change everything?”
“I don’t know,” Percy said honestly, and pushed off the chair, dislodging Keyleth temporarily to join her on the floor under the kitchen table. “I sort of hope it doesn’t.”
“Me too,” Keyleth said. “I like us now. Screaming hot water pipes and all.”
“Those I could do without,” Percy said, “and that’s all this change will bring. A change of scenery and some space not to be in one another’s hair quite so literally all the time.”
Keyleth poked him in the ribs, “And you’ll be there to break it in with us,” Keyleth threatened, “Scanlan’s weird watermelon liquor and all.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Percy said, and surprised himself by discovering he meant it.