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In Luke's room one evening Serene looked up from the sword she was polishing, glanced at Luke and said out of nowhere, "Luke, why do you not have a lover?"
Luke sputtered, his face going hot. He liked Serene - he loved Serene, she was his comrade and his swordsister, she was important - and most of the time he liked the way she was always direct about things, but sometimes she could be direct about things he really didn't want to have a direct conversation about. (He would never ever be able to forget the time she started talking about her menarche. In a moment of weakness last holiday - sort of hoping he could get advice on how to stop women in general and Serene in particular from talking about terrible things - he'd told his mum about it. Rachel Sunborn had laughed so hard she'd fallen off her chair.)
"I do not see why you should not," Serene continued, not put off by Luke's weak noises of protest. "You are obviously a very handsome gentleman, and you are also chaste and modest and sweet-natured. Any woman would be lucky to have you."
"Serene -" said Luke.
"Among the elves of course your unmanly habits would count against you," Serene went on, "at least for the old-fashioned, but I have learned a great deal from living among humans. I do not think it is unbecoming for a gentleman to be a warrior, if he truly has the ability." She made sure to look Luke very earnestly in the eyes as she said this. Luke already knew, of course, that she had faith in him as a warrior, but he appreciated the gesture because he was sensitive to the customs of other cultures regardless of what anyone said."And I know," Serene went on, once she was sure that Luke was sufficiently reassured about his unmanly habits, "that human women are less discerning - I mean, less concerned about such things. All men want someone to nurture and care for. It's natural. Is it -" she hesitated. "Is it because of me?"
Luke didn't know what to say. Serene went on quickly, "I mean only that - perhaps other women are put off that you spend so much time with me, and misunderstand the nature of our relationship."
"If anyone ever did then I don't think they do anymore," Luke said. "Not now you and Elliot are so obviously a couple."
Serene looked back down at her very shiny freshly-polished sword and said, "I know that I have been preoccupied." Luke didn't quite understand what she meant, and then she looked up again and said very firmly, "I do not want you to be lonely," and he realised she was worried about him.
"Serene, I'm all right," he said. "I'm fine."
"But you have so much to offer, there's no reason for you to be alone. So many girls here would jump at the chance if you only fluttered your eyelashes at them. Adara is very pretty," Serene suggested. "She has a magnificent bosom."
"I don't flutter my eyelashes!" said Luke. "I mean - human men don't." He didn't want to talk about people's bosoms with Serene. Oh god, this was almost as bad as the menarche conversation.
"Some definitely do," said Serene, and Luke wondered for a second if she was talking about Elliot. Did Elliot flutter his eyelashes at Serene? Luke found it hard to imagine. Serene wouldn't be dissuaded from her main point, though. "Is Adara not to your taste? What about Delia? Or perhaps one of the girls from the council course would suit you better, you are so gentle. Elliot's friend Myra is very clever, and she has a lovely moustache. I suppose since you have me you don't really need a woman who can defend you." Serene looked suddenly appalled with herself. "Of course you can defend yourself," she added hastily. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have implied that you couldn't. Sometimes I don't think about what I'm saying before I say it."
"Serene," said Luke as firmly as he could, "I don't need or want a girlfriend, at all. I mean it. I don't want to go out with Adara or Myra or anyone."
Serene looked faintly upset, which given Serene's natural coolness meant she was actually wounded. "But why not?"
"I'm really glad you're happy with Elliot," Luke said after a moment, "but just because being with someone makes you happy doesn't mean that everyone you care about has to be happy in exactly the same way."
"That isn't what I meant at all," said Serene.
"I just don't want a girlfriend!" said Luke, a little too loudly.
There was quiet.
Serene was very clever, was the thing. She wasn't clever in the firecracker way Elliot was, and she didn't see everything in terms of huge complicated interlocking systems like Elliot did, but she did nearly as well as him in all the council courses despite the fact that she had a double workload, and when he talked she could always keep up with him effortlessly. Luke couldn't. But Serene's intelligence was of a slightly different kind to Elliot's, and one of the differences was that she was perceptive. She heard the things you didn't say, and then put them together with worrying speed.
"Do you remember when we went to see my cousin about the treaties, and you and Elliot told me that there were some men who just - didn't want women at all?" she said carefully, as if she was feeling her way though the sentence. "And I was so surprised. I'd never heard of anything like that. I couldn't think how it would even work, I mean... physically."
Luke didn't say anything.
"I hope that - I hope that my surprise then, and my...ignorance, didn't upset you. I hope you know that I am always learning new things, here, and new ways of thinking, and that," she looked up, her brow creased, "you would never have to hide anything from me, swordbrother, never, because what you are to me is more than any stupid assumption that my childhood taught me. And if I have upset you, I apologise, and if I have been insensitive in any way, I apologise with all my heart. Luke..."
"It's all right," said Luke quickly, not able to bear how worried she sounded. "I wasn't hiding it from you. I just don't really talk about it, I suppose. You haven't upset me."
"So... not Adara, and not Delia?" Serene said cautiously. "And not Myra? No women at all, ever?"
Luke gave her a smile. "No magnificent bosoms. Sorry. I'm sure they're very nice. I just don't really see it."
Serene thought about this for a moment, and then theorised, "Perhaps the fact that you are so much like a woman in some ways makes it natural for you to be more attracted to men."
Luke started to splutter again.
"Oh no, that was insensitive, wasn't it," said Serene. "I meant only that you are brave and warlike, with great endurance, like a woman, so... Don't look at me that way! It's a compliment!"
Luke found his spluttering turning into laughing. Serene started to laugh too. She came and sat next to him and they leaned against each other giggling, and it felt really good, like a huge relief. Luke had told the truth, he hadn't been hiding this from her, not on purpose, not exactly. But he found it was actually very nice that she knew, and didn't mind.
After a minute when they were both calming down from laughing, one of them occasionally snorting again and setting the other one off, Serene asked, "So how does it work with two men? Don't you need - well - you know what I mean, don't you?"
"Serene!" said Luke.
"I'm just curious!" Serene said. "I want to understand, if this is who you are. Which one is the woman? And how do you actually -"
"Serene!" Luke knew he had to be bright red.
"Should I ask Elliot?" said Serene. "I know he likes both, in theory. He might be more comfortable telling me." She drew away from him a little as she spoke. Luke knew that swordsisters - swordbrothers-and-sisters - were supposed to be able to tell each other anything, with perfect trust. He'd probably hurt her feelings.
"I've just never properly talked about this to anyone," he said. "And I... I don't really know all that much. It's a bit hard to find out."
"Oh, I see," said Serene. She thought about it and then said, horrifyingly, "I'm sure Elliot knows. Apparently people are much more open about these matters in the country he comes from. We could both ask him."
"Please no," said Luke, just about ready to sink through the floor at the prospect. "Please don't tell Elliot about... about any of this. I know you're together now but -"
"Luke," said Serene reprovingly. "Of course I would never betray any confidence of yours to anyone, not even my lover. You are my own chosen comrade. I see no reason why you should keep secrets from your friends, but if you wish to do so, I trust and respect your choice."
"Thank you," said Luke, and didn't try to correct Serene about his relationship with Elliot. She'd never known about the truce; she didn't need to know that they'd never really been friends. Serene held out her hand. Luke took it and they clasped hands, the way they had done when they were thirteen and swearing an oath.
He thought that was the end of this partially-if-not-completely-terrible conversation, but no such luck. Serene was like a hound on a scent sometimes. She just couldn't be stopped. "So why don't you have a lover?" she asked, and Luke groaned. Serene pointed out that he could hardly be the only gentleman in the camp with unusual proclivities and started listing possibilities. "Lukas, Colm from the council course, Benjamin - Dale Wavechaser is always staring at you -" She stopped, as if struck.
"What?" said Luke.
"It just occurred to me," said Serene, flushing slightly, "that that would be - a terribly pretty sight."
"Oh my god," said Luke, and buried his face in his hands.
"I'm sorry! I'm only mortal! Women have needs!" said Serene. "I don't mean to be disrespectful at all -"
"When you're already in a hole, stop digging," said Luke, muffled through his hands.
Serene apologised profusely, though the flush along her cheekbones didn't go away. When Luke eventually felt strong enough to take his head out of his hands again, hoping that now they could abandon the topic, Serene said, "But would you like a... a boyfriend?" The more human term sounded awkward in her mouth, but Luke appreciated that she was trying to say it his way. "I just want you to be happy."
She was being serious, and Luke had to give her a serious answer. "I don't think - I don't think I do want a boyfriend right now," he said. "Because if I did, I would want..."
He trailed off.
Serene said, "Yes?"
"I would want someone who looks at me the way Elliot looks at you," said Luke at last. "And there isn't anyone. So I'm okay."
"You're saving yourself," Serene said, sounding enlightened. That wasn't quite what Luke had meant, but he supposed that was what he would have meant if he'd been an elf. "Forgive me. I should have realised, and respected that. I will in future, I promise."
That, finally, was the end of the conversation. Serene had to go because she'd promised to meet Elliot in the library. Luke was left alone in his room. He knew he ought to sleep. There was archery at dawn tomorrow. He put out the lamp and lay down on his bed.
He tried to imagine someone looking at him the way Elliot looked at Serene. Some unknown boy who would see Luke come into the room and suddenly forget anyone else was there, whose eyes would light up, who would start to smile without realising it. Someone who would think Luke was amazing and splendid and wonderful not because he was a Sunborn or because he won at Trigon or because he was good at fighting (the value of someone does not rely on their ability to hurt others, he heard Elliot say snippily in his head) but because he was - who he was.
Whoever that was.
He tried to picture this imaginary boy wearing that look that Elliot wore and looking at him, but it was hard to give him a face that wasn't Elliot's face. It was hard not to just imagine Elliot, looking at him with that brilliant look, making Luke's stomach twist and his heart pound. Even just imagining it, just as a picture inside Luke's head, it felt like a betrayal of Serene.
It was stupid anyway. Elliot would never look at him that way. He loved Serene. He didn't even like Luke.
It took him a long time to fall asleep.