Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

LOST AND FOUND

Dean stood naked in front of the long mirror and studied his profile. He ran his hand over his swollen belly not being able to believe that a child was growing within him that his body was nurturing a small life. Dean wasn't really sure but he reckoned that he was about seven and half months pregnant. He had been lucky - up until a month ago he hadn't really shown at all, the only sign that he was pregnant had been the child kicking him regularly in the ribs and bouncing up and down on his bladder. But now a month later he definitely looked heavily pregnant and it appeared as though he was concealing a round football within his body. His back hurt and he had noticed that his ankles had looked a little swollen for the last few weeks.

None of his jeans fitted anymore and he had taken to wearing sweat pants, long t-shirts or baggy shirts and bulky sweaters to hide his growing belly. Dean rubbed at the bump again as he turned away from the mirror. The biggest change he had made to his life was giving up hunting and he hadn't regretted it at all knowing that he had to protect his child from any injury he might have suffered while hunting. He had also made the decision to drop under the hunting radar. He had even thrown his cell phone away. Dean didn't want to be found by anyone.

He had read every book he could on pregnancy and soaked up as much knowledge as possible knowing that he couldn't go to a doctor or a hospital. Dean had even started to eat as healthily as he could even though he yearned for a double cheeseburger and fries nearly every week. Fortunately he hadn't had any weird food cravings which he was thankful for unless you counted eating chocolate chip ice-cream at 3.00 a.m. in the morning but for Dean the habit seemed normal. He had taken every precaution he could think of and had even given up his beloved coffee instead drinking tea which again he hated. But Dean knew he was on his own in this and made the sacrifices to safeguard the health of his unborn child.

The birth itself had been nagging at him and he had pushed his worries to the back of his mind ignoring them. But his body had decided to help him out and one morning two weeks ago when he had been in the shower Dean had discovered an opening where he hadn't had one before. Dean had seriously been freaked out nearly falling out of the shower and it had taken him over a hour to calm himself down. Once calm he had checked himself ten times more to make sure he hadn't been dreaming or imagining it. It still freaked him out but ever since his discovery Dean had read up on natural deliveries and had even forced himself to watch a video in full technicolour of an actual birth. The fact that he kept hiding behind the cushion he had on his lap to block out his view every now and again and that he had placed the teddy bear and rabbit he had bought his child next to him on the couch as moral support was something he was never going to admit to anyone. But now that he knew that the child wasn't going to have to be cut out of him Dean had convinced himself that he could handle the birth alone. He had read somewhere that women had babies on their own with no help in the jungles somewhere in the world and if they could do it so could he. He pushed all his nagging fears about complications to the back of his mind and ignored them. Dean Winchester had never backed away from a challenge in his life. Child birth would just be his greatest challenge and he was determined to do this alone. He desperately wanted their baby even if Sam didn't.

The child within him gave him a series of hard kicks and Dean gasped rubbing at his belly again. "You are so gonna have Sammy's big feet," he accused the bump. The thought of Sam made his stomach lurch and tears threatened. Dean cursed his wildly out of control hormones under his breath as he firmly pushed all thoughts of his brother out of his head. He pulled on some sweat pants, a shirt and a light sweater.

Dean wandered into the living room of the small cabin he had rented two weeks ago. The cabin was small but comfortable and fully furnished with a living room, a good-sized bedroom, a large bathroom and a small well equipped kitchen which served as a dining room as well.

Since leaving Sam he had been moving from state to state and motel to motel hustling pool and playing poker when he could. Dean had even taken a couple of short term jobs - all in an effort to save enough money for when he was too big to hustle pool or take a job. A month ago he had finally made enough money and decided to settle somewhere out of the way until after the birth of his child. Dean had aimlessly drifted along for another couple of hundred miles before finally deciding on the small cabin miles from the nearest town in the hills. Along the way Dean had stocked up with enough supplies to last four months and he was confident that he wouldn't be disturbed or found by anyone.

Dean leaned against the window frame and stared distractedly out of the window. He absently caressed his stomach in an effort to calm his unborn child. But the baby was having none of it and persisted in kicking him hard over and over. "Quit kicking kid," he chastised. "Give your Daddy a break."

Dean had never felt so lonely in his whole life and he sighed. He knew it was all his own fault. He had no-one to blame but himself but he convinced himself that it was best for everyone concerned. They could both move on with their lives separately.

Dean let his mind wander over the events of the past few months. He and Sam had been lovers for over six months finally admitting their feelings for one another after a particularly nasty hunt had nearly killed them both. They had fixed each other up and somehow had ended up in bed together. When they woke the next afternoon all their unspoken passion and desire erupted and they fell on each other spending the rest of the day and night in bed making love over and over. They had shared a bed ever since and somewhere along the way there had been an unspoken commitment made to each other. They were silly in love with each other and Dean had never been happier and he suspected that Sam felt the same.

Dean wasn't sure how he had been able to get pregnant and he hadn't really questioned it having seen more than his fair share of weird and wonderful things in his life. He could hardly contain his excitement when he found out. Dean had been feeling sick for a few weeks but he had hidden the fact from Sam convincing himself that it was just a bug he had picked up. One morning when the sickness and nausea had gotten almost unbearable on impulse he had bought a home pregnancy kit while Sam had been researching at the library. Somehow Dean had known without looking at the little plus sign that he was pregnant. He had felt pregnant whatever that meant.

He hadn't told Sam right away. He didn't really know how to break the news so a few days later when they were on the road Dean had brought up the subject of children. Dean was so convinced that his brother would feel the same about a child as he did that he had nearly driven off the road when Sam admitted that he didn't want children ever. Dean had managed to control himself burying his feelings as he always did deep within himself and carried on as though nothing was wrong. Sam hadn't seemed to notice and Dean quickly changed the subject but inside he felt desperate and frightened not knowing what he was going to do. He was terrified and pregnant with a lover that didn't want children.

Not knowing what to do and still terrified Dean did the only thing he could think of. That night after they had settled in a motel Dean had slipped out of their bed, left Sam some money, taken the Impala and run off into the night. And he had been running ever since. But Sam was always with him. He loved his brother with an intensity that sometimes took his breath away. He couldn't get Sam out of his heart or mind and presumed it was his punishment for deserting his brother without a word. He had thought they were forever but as usual Dean Winchester wasn't meant to have any love or happiness in his life. Just misery and loneliness. Dean could feel the tears stinging at his eyes and he cursed the pregnancy hormones again but knew that they weren't responsible for all the tears.

Dean shook away his memories and stared back out of the window. Being miserable and lonely didn't change anything. Dean loved Sam. But Sam didn't want children. So he wouldn't want Dean. He absently stroked his stomach trying to feel the child they had made with their love for each other within him. "Give us a kick," he whispered to his stomach. Dean had been talking to his bump for weeks and surprisingly he didn't feel stupid at all - it somehow made him feel close to their child. "Show me I'm not alone." Dean winced but managed a small smile as the child in his belly complied with his request not once but several times.

A week later .......

Dean wasn't feeling as confident as he had been a week ago. He paced around the cabin. He was uncomfortable and restless and had been for over a day and a half. His back ached and for the last two days Dean had felt like he had a ball wedged between his legs. Dean had immediately grabbed for his well thumbed pregnancy book and scanned the pages searching for a reason. He had read with mounting horror that it was likely that the baby had turned in preparation for the birth. "So may be seven and a half months was a little out," Dean mumbled to himself as he paced trying to work out in his head how pregnant he had been when he had first found out. He gave up after his fifth circuit of the living room.

He hadn't slept well and that morning he had woken to small stabbing twinges across his belly and even a warm relaxing bath hadn't released any of his tension. All his confidence about doing it alone had immediately disappeared and panic was starting to set in. Dean was terrified and all the doubts and fears that he had pushed to the back of his mind bounced around his head frightening him even more. Dean rubbed at his belly as the child gave him a kick. "It's OK baby," Dean soothed. "Daddy's here."

He was distracted by the sound of a vehicle. Dean moved slowly to the window and stared in horror as a familiar figure emerged from the four-wheeled jeep. Sam had found him. His brother's timing really sucked he thought to himself as he stepped away from the window grabbing for his sweater.

Dean knew that he couldn't hide from his brother so he decided to concentrate on the small stabbing pains he was feeling at the moment. That way he could keep his emotions in check and hopefully get Sam to leave. Dean sighed knowing that he was going to have to make Sam angry, so angry that he would leave. And he knew it would probably hurt Sam but he didn't want his brother staying with him out of pity or some misplaced sense of duty. Sam didn't want children and Dean decided that repeating the words over and over in his head would make things easier. His own hurt he would deal with later burying it deep within him. Dean steeled himself against the pain of driving Sam out of his life forever. He moved slowly towards the door and the one person that he loved more than anything in the whole world.

Sam marched up to the cabin door. His anger and fury gave him confidence. It had taken him months to track his brother down. Once he had gotten over the aching hurt within his heart Sam had moved onto to angry and he had gotten angrier and angrier with every mile he travelled following leads here and there as he criss-crossed five counties in search of Dean. His brother had dropped completely out of the hunting scene something that still confused Sam. But he had still tried every hunter he knew without success. Even Bobby hadn't heard from Dean. Determined Sam had driven from state to state asking everyone he met if they had seen Dean. He had a lucky break a week ago when he showed Dean's picture to the owner of a diner. Sam had been surprised to learn that Dean had been employed there for a month and the owner had nothing but praise for his brother's work and had been sad to see him leave. But at last Sam had a solid lead which he followed with a resoluteness that threatened to overwhelm him. Two more people recognised Dean's picture and one of them directed him to the owner of the cabin his brother was renting.

Sam had tried to convince himself in the darkness of his motel rooms that he hated Dean but the honest truth was that he loved Dean more than anything in the world. He needed him in his life, couldn't live without his brother and he knew, deep down, that Dean felt the same. Sam was totally confused as to why Dean had left him alone. He needed to know. It was love as well as anger that drove him on and his patience and dogged determination had finally paid off. Sam had found Dean.

Sam banged on the cabin door knowing exactly what he was going to say to his brother. He had rehearsed his speech as he had driven mile after mile. The door swung open. Before Dean could react Sam shoved his brother backwards into the cabin before he had the door slammed in his face. Sam pushed at his brother again suddenly so angry that he didn't notice anything different about Dean his rehearsed speech going completely out of his mind. Dean stumbled but managed to keep himself on his feet. "Why the hell did you leave?" Sam growled. "I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought I was important to you."

"And hello to you too," Dean replied caustically as he regained his balance. He lay his hand across his belly protectively. Sam hadn't seemed to notice his belly as Dean had hidden it under his baggy sweater. Dean could see that his brother was angry, his body vibrating with fury as he paced the small living room. Dean decided to use Sam's anger against him. The thought made him feel sick and Dean closed his eyes briefly at the ache in his heart at seeing his brother again. He wanted to reach out and touch Sam but he pushed the urge down and concentrated on the small stabbing twinges across his stomach. The pain wasn't bad just uncomfortable and Dean concentrated on it focussing his mind on the job he had to do, for Sam's sake.

"What the hell does that mean?" Sam yelled angrily as he paced around the small living room not looking at Dean. "Dean. You owe me an explanation for your crappy behaviour," Sam shouted again as he turned to glare at his brother. It was then that Sam got his first good look at Dean. His mouth dropped open in shock and his anger immediately disintegrated as his eyes fell on Dean's swollen belly. "You're..... you're....," Sam couldn't seem to get the words out. He waved a hand at Dean's stomach.

"Yeah put on a bit of weight," Dean said sarcastically. "I so must cut out the doughnuts."

Sam glared at his brother. "How? When?" Sam stammered unsure of what to say. He hadn't known what to expect but never in a million years did he expect to find his brother heavily pregnant.

"Dude. I thought we had this talk.... when you were ten," Dean said. "I thought you were the smart one. Guess I was wrong." He turned and leant against the back of the couch.

Sam glared at him again. His anger was growing within him again and he wanted to strike outwards at his brother.  "So when were you gonna tell me?" he spat angrily. "When our kid was leaving for college?"

"What makes you think it's our kid?" Dean said as calmly as he could although his heart was pounding in his chest and he felt sick again. He felt their child kick as if protesting the lie. Dean bit his lip against the groan that threatened hoping that Sam hadn't noticed.

Sam was too shocked by Dean's words to notice that his brother shifted slightly and grimaced. Instead he shot Dean a confused look which was full of anguish. "You... and me. We..... I ..... I thought," he waved his hand absently at Dean's stomach again. "We.... we.... well you know," Sam floundered with his words and for once in his life didn't know how to say what he meant. Sam' s anger turned to confusion and hurt at his brother's nonchalant attitude.

"You thought the kid was yours," Dean answered for Sam. He forced his emotions down inside him and hid himself behind his old walls, barriers that he had spent years carefully constructing. Walls that he had allowed Sam to break down piece by piece as they had fallen deeper and deeper in love. Walls that he had been unconsciously rebuilding the moment Sam had told him that he didn't want children. "Well it's not," Dean growled.

"I don't understand," Sam murmured.

Dean shrugged. This was the moment. The moment he was going to hurt Sam, the love of his life. But at the back of his mind Dean heard Sam's words about not wanting children ever. They taunted and mocked him every waking moment. And today they made him steel his heart against the pain of hurting Sam. "After I split I needed some cash. There was no-where to hustle pool and couldn't find a poker game. So," he shrugged again. "I whored myself and this," he patted his belly. "Is the result."

Sam stared at Dean speechless for a moment. "I don't believe you," he accused. "You'd never do that." He bit at his lip willing the threatened tears away.

"I don't care whether you believe me or not," Dean interrupted ignoring the tears he could see glistening in Sam's eyes. "I did. More than once. And I got myself six hundred bucks. Not too shabby for one night's work. Used my hand a couple of times, my mouth on one guy ... and oh yeah," Dean forced out a cocky grin. "A couple of guys took me up the ass." Sam stared at his brother in horror not believing what he was hearing. Dean stared back steadily holding Sam's glare not flinching away. He wanted to reach out and touch Sam and take away the look of anguish in his brother's eyes, wipe away his tears but he knew he had to be strong even though he felt numb inside at his own words. The pain in his belly was nothing compared to the growing pain in his heart at every hurtful word he forced out of his mouth. Dean placed his hand on his stomach and absently rubbed the action soothing him. "Only downside is my fat belly," Dean managed to say calmly.

Sam just continued to stare at Dean. His brother's expression was unreadable as usual and it frustrated him. "Who's the father?" Sam eventually asked although he knew the answer already. When Sam had first seen Dean he had hoped that he was the father. But Dean had dashed all his hopes and Sam could feel the anger rising within him again. His emotions were in a jumble see-sawing from anger to hurt and back again. And at this moment he could honestly say that he hated his brother.

Dean shrugged again. "Wasn't really looking at faces at the time. We screwed. They paid. I left."

Sam closed his eyes against the cruel words still not able to believe that his brother had sold his body for money. He took a deep calming breath. "What about the child?" he finally managed to ask.

"What about the child?" Dean cocked his head to one side. The child within him kicked again and he pressed his hand to his stomach trying to calm his baby with touch. The child kicked again in protest and Dean presumed that the baby was probably reacting to his inner turmoil.

"What are you gonna do?" Sam snapped. "Do you have any help? You know for the... the birth?" he stammered.

"Yeah," Dean nodded. "Bobby's sending me someone in a month or so to help cut the kid out of me."

Sam missed the lie completely as he was trying desperately to keep himself in control. He had never felt so angry in his life and he was fighting back the tears that threatened. "Then what?" he said angrily. "You gonna leave it under a bush. Or at someone's door?"

"Haven't really thought about it," Dean answered. "But I do know when I get it outta me I am gonna get me the biggest cup of coffee ever. May be two or three. As well as a double cheeseburger the size of Kansas with two helpings of fries," Dean snapped back. "Then it's back to the hunt for me."

"You bastard," Sam yelled his anger finally getting the best of him. "I loved you. I thought you loved me. But as usual Dean does what Dean wants and to hell with everybody else." He stepped closer to his brother wanting Dean to feel the hurt he was feeling inside. "You got what you deserved but... but I pity the poor kid." Sam glared at his brother as the hurt bubbled up inside of him. "You're nothing but a dirty cheap whore," he snarled.

Dean flinched slightly at the words but knew after what he had said to Sam he deserved all his brother's rage and hate. He folded his arms resting them on the top of his bump. "Whatever," he said coolly levelling his best bored look at Sam.

Sam narrowed his eyes at Dean feeling a sense of victory at the small flinch he had caused which immediately turned to guilt. Sam shook his head. "I don't know why I ever bothered with you," he snapped turning away from his brother. "I gave my life up for you."

"So go get it back," Dean snapped back goading his brother to leave. He needed Sam to leave before his resolve dissolved and he begged his brother to stay with him. Dean could feel himself wavering, could feel the threatened tears but the thought of being a burden to Sam spurred him on. "I'm sure your stuffed shirt Stanford buddies are waiting to welcome you back."

"Oh I intend to," Sam replied. He turned back to his brother fury glinting in his eyes. Without thinking what he was doing Sam raised his hand and slapped Dean hard across the face. Dean reeled but managed to stay on his feet. The sound of the slap seemed to reverberate around the room as skin smacked skin. It shocked Sam a little and he stepped back staring down at his hand as though it didn't belong to him. He really wanted to punch Dean over and over but he couldn't bring himself to hit his pregnant brother again. "I hope you and your bastard kid rot in hell," Sam yelled instead giving Dean one last glare before turning his back on his brother and slamming out of the cabin.

Dean raised his hand to his face and rubbed at the now reddening skin. He stared at the closed door as he let the misery he felt wash over him. Dean closed his eyes as he heard the sound of the jeep's engine roaring into life and being revved by an obviously angry Sam. Bit at his lip as he heard the sound of the vehicle screeching down the roadway that led back to civilisation.

Dean let out a choked sob as a solitary tear ran down his face. His heart was broken. He had driven Sam away and no amount of convincing himself that he had done it for all the right reasons could get away from that fact that he would always love his brother. Dean felt like his life was over.

The child gave him a hard kick reminding him he had something else to live for. Dean flinched at the severity of the kick. "Sorry baby," Dean soothed rubbing a hand across his belly. "I had to say all those crappy things. Your other Daddy doesn't want us."

Dean went to move towards the kitchen but had to grab for a chair and hold onto his stomach as a sudden sharp pain blossomed throughout his belly. He tried to breathe through it but only managed a groan instead. As the pain subsided Dean straightened and it took him a few minutes to calm himself all the while he kept his arm across his belly. He glanced downwards as a weird sensation rose up within him. Dean stared in morbid fascination as the front of his light grey sweat pants slowly turned a darker shade of grey and became uncomfortably damp. From all his reading and pregnancy research Dean guessed his waters had just broken. "You can do this," he chanted to himself as he felt another pain rise up within him. Dean spread his legs slightly and groaned as the contraction hit him the waves of pain coursing through his body. The pain was intensifying and Dean could no longer kid himself - he was in labour.

DELIVERY

Sam didn't know where he was going. He was just going. Far away. Far away from Dean. Away from the love of his life. Tears blurred his vision as he drove down the hillside like a maniac not caring if he hit a tree or a rock or anything. The jeep lurched down the pot-holed track swerving from side to side as Sam managed somehow to hit every hole or rough bit of ground in his path. But he didn't care. He was running away just like Dean had. Sam managed somehow to get to the end of the road without hitting anything. Swiping at his tears Sam looked left and right as he tried to decide which way to go. He didn't really care so he indicated and chose left.

Sam put his foot down on the accelerator not caring what speed he was driving at or where he was going. Anger and hurt washed over him in waves as the scenery flashed by in a green and brown blur but Sam didn't notice as he pressed his foot down on the accelerator again. He had to get away from Dean. Tears still filled his eyes and he swiped at them again angrily letting them fall down his face unchecked. Dean hated him. Had never loved or needed him. Had whored himself out for money and somehow gotten pregnant.

Sam drove in a daze on autopilot for over an hour. He felt completely numb not being able to believe it. But nagging doubts swirled around his brain making him feel dizzy. He felt deep down that he was missing something, something important. Sam concentrated hard trying to grasp the elusive thoughts that seemed just out of reach. He growled in frustration. It was like a word you knew that was just on the tip of your tongue but you couldn't remember or recall it.

Sam slewed to a stop at the side of the road ignoring the loud blast from the horn of the car behind him. He closed his eyes, drew in deep breaths and racked his brain for what was nagging at him. It was driving him insane. He leant his head forwards onto the steering wheel. He needed to calm down and clear his head of the anger and hurt. Sam took deep breaths and relaxed letting his random thoughts scramble around his brain while he tried desperately to make sense of the confusing jumble. And out of the blue it hit him like a lightning bolt. Sam jerked up his eyes wide open and dry his tears having dried on his face.

Sam scrunched up his face in thought. All the little clues came flooding into his head and Sam cursed himself for his blindness. His rage and hurt feelings had gotten in the way and blinded him to the obvious. Dean had been trying to push him away, trying to protect him. And for the life of him Sam couldn't think of the reason why. He banged his head on the steering wheel over and over chastising himself again for his stupidity and short-sightedness.

The memories flooded his brain and he gave a little groan at each reminder of his stupidity. Sam remembered noticing it but in his anger and fury had pushed it to the back of his mind. Dean had been wearing the unreadable expression on his face, the one he hadn't seen since they had become lovers. Lovers. Sam groaned again at the thought. Dean loved him and would never in a million years cheat on him. And now he was calmer he knew in his heart that Dean needed him. Sam had never been loved the way Dean loved him. It wasn't all hearts, roses and violins instead it was a more subtle love, deep, honest and abiding. And he had accused Dean of being a whore. Sam cringed at the cruel words he had hurled at his brother.

His brother had also lied about Bobby. He had only spoken to their friend a day ago and Bobby hadn't seen or heard from Dean for months. Bobby had sounded worried and Sam knew that their friend hadn't been lying to him. Sam screwed up his eyes and tried to picture Dean in his head. Sam blew out a long breath. The last clue - Dean didn't hate his baby. The Dean he loved would never hate a child and talk about it as though it meant nothing. His brother had even given up his beloved coffee and greasy food so he had obviously been looking after himself and all the while they had been arguing Dean had been stroking his belly as if trying to comfort the child within him. "You are so stupid Sam Winchester," he chastised himself as he banged his head on the steering wheel again and then once again for good measure. Sam groaned again as he remembered hitting Dean across the face. It was official. Sam Winchester was a fool. And Sam Winchester hated himself.

Sam took a deep breath knowing exactly what he was going to do. He owed Dean a barrel load of apologies for ever doubting him. His anger had stopped him listening to what his brother was really saying. "You suck," Sam said out loud as he took a deep breath. Feeling better than he had for months Sam started the jeep again. Looking left and right, he swerved into the road driving back the way he had come. Sam knew deep down inside him that Dean was carrying their child and he was going to make his stubborn stupid brother tell him the truth. He loved Dean and wasn't going to let his brother push him away ever again. But what really confused Sam was why Dean had lied to him and determined he was going to find that out as well. Or his name wasn't Samuel Winchester.

An hour later .......

It was the longest hour of his life and all the time Sam had spent it talking out loud as he called himself every rotten name he could think of and berating himself for his cruel words and hoping with all his heart that Dean would forgive him. And with each mile he drove his anger slowly diminished until all that was left was his love for Dean.

At the top of the rough track Sam threw the jeep into park and pushed the door open hurriedly. Slamming the door behind him Sam jogged up to the cabin door. He tried the handle to find the door was locked. Sam banged on the door with his fist. "Dean," he shouted. " It's Sam," he rattled the door handle. "Don't be an asshole," he banged on the door again. "And let me in." Silence.

Sam stepped back. "Stubborn asshole," he mumbled to himself as he kicked outwards, his boot hitting the lock with a resounding crash. The door swung open on his first kick and Sam burst into the living room.

"You lied to me Dean," Sam pointed an accusing finger at Dean who was hanging on to the back of the one of chairs, one arm across his stomach. "And you are damn well gonna tell me why."

Dean had heard Sam banging on the door but had been unable to move as he was in the middle of a contraction. He couldn't help feeling relieved at the sight of Sam bursting into the room like a human tornado. For the last two hours he had been pacing up and down to distract himself from the pains he was experiencing. Dean had even prepared the bedroom but hadn't worked up the courage to lay down on the bed unconsciously trying to put off the inevitable. The contractions were getting stronger and stronger each time and Dean was terrified. His terror eased off a little. Sam was here. Sam would know what to do. "Kinda busy right now Sammy," Dean gasped out as another contraction hit him. He bent over slightly trying to breathe through the pain.

Sam stared in horror at his brother. He could see from the look on Dean's face that his brother was in pain. "Oh my God," Sam ran towards his brother. "Are you OK?" he asked stupidly.

Dean rolled his eyes despite the pain he was feeling. "Does it look like I'm OK?" he snapped irritated between gasps.

"Are you in labour?" Sam asked again cursing himself for the stupid question. He hovered around Dean not knowing where or if to touch his brother.

"What do you think Einstein?" Dean snarked.

"I thought you said you were a month off," Sam said. "You said you were a month away." Sam could feel panic rising within him and he pushed it down. He hadn't expected to find Dean in labour and he didn't know what to do.

"Well I was wrong," Dean admitted sheepishly as he tried to give Sam a small smile but it came out as a grimace as pain lanced through his belly. He hugged his arm across his stomach tighter.

"How long have you been in labour?" Sam asked trying to sound more confident than he felt. "Have you looked at your watch?"

"Dude. I'm in labour and you wanna know the time," Dean snapped as he tried to straighten up. "Or have you got a hot date or something?"

"No," Sam snapped back. "I meant for the contractions. How far apart are they?" he asked as calmly as he could. He glanced down at his own watch noting the time.

"Don't know," Dean replied unhelpfully. "But they damn well hurt. Does that count?" Dean started to move slowly towards the bedroom knowing that he couldn't put the inevitable off any longer. He was about to give birth to their child.

Sam rolled his eyes at his brother. He hurried after his brother placing his hand under Dean's elbow, an offer that his brother didn't refuse and Sam couldn't help smiling to himself. Just may be they stood a chance of being together and for the first time in months Sam felt happy. Terrified but happy. On entering the bedroom Sam took a quick look around the room amazed at the amount of baby stuff Dean had obviously purchased for their child. There was a pile of clothing, diapers, bottles and other stuff necessary for the care of a small baby piled haphazardly on the top of one dresser. The other dresser held a small wicker bassinet with a teddy bear and rabbit sitting together on the pale yellow blanket. Next to the bassinet was some more folded blankets and a colourful wooden teddy bear mobile made up and ready for hanging over the bassinet. On the floor was a baby carrier/car seat as well as a folded down buggy.

The bed itself had been stripped of all its bedding and replaced with several layers of older looking sheets. Several pillows and cushions had been piled at the top of the bed obviously for support. A large first aid kit had been placed on the bedside table and there was a pile of towels at the bottom of the bed as well as a bowl, bucket and some gallon containers of water. Sam's mouth dropped open. His brother had thought of everything and it was obvious that he had been going to give birth alone with no help. "You were going to do this alone?" Sam said not able to keep the horror out of his voice.

Dean glanced sideways at Sam. "Had no-one to ask," he replied simply with a small shrug.

Sam pushed down his feelings of guilt at the thought of his brother going through labour and delivery alone with no help. Sam helped Dean over to the bed. "Well you've got me now," Sam said determined to be as supportive as he could. He would not let Dean down ever again.

Dean gave him a small smile as he lay down and rolled onto his side hugging his stomach. "I'll be OK," he murmured stubbornly.

Sam snorted. "Well tough shit," he said just as stubbornly. "I'm staying." Sam knelt on the other side of the bed. "And at the moment you're in no condition to kick me out," he leant forward and began to rub his hand in small circles on Dean's back pleased when his brother didn't flinch away from his touch and in fact leaned into his caress. Sam smiled to himself again.

"I could still take you," Dean quipped. Sam's warm hand on his back soothed him, made him feel safe and secure. It also eased the aching in his back and he sighed pleased.

"I'd like to see you try," Sam snorted as he continued to caress Dean's back.

"How did you know?" Dean muttered as he rubbed at his belly distractedly.

Sam let out a long sigh. "Because I know you're not the heartless bastard you like people to think you are," Sam said cocking his head to one side. "And when I thought about it. Really thought about it. Got my head outta my stupid ass. I realised that all the time you were talking to me you were rubbing your belly. Just like you're doing now," he leaned forwards slightly watching Dean's hand slide across his stomach. "And you seemed to be taking care of yourself. Not eating burgers or drinking coffee. And you would never hate a child. Never."

"You're smarter than you look," Dean teased.

"And I also know that you would never cheat on me," Sam said firmly. "This child is ours," he leant down and whispered in his brother's ear. "Isn't it?" Sam already knew the answer but he wanted Dean to admit the truth.

Dean sighed. He nodded slightly. "Yeah," he confessed. "But you don't have to stay. It's OK," he croaked out. He desperately wanted Sam to stay with him but he had to give his brother the option to leave. Dean couldn't bear the thought of Sam staying out of pity or some misplaced duty to him.

"Why wouldn't I want to stay?" Sam asked confused. He sensed that this was the moment he would find out why Dean had been pushing him away earlier with his hurtful and cruel words.

"You don't want kids," Dean mumbled. He could feel tears welling up and he bit at his lip.

"I don't," Sam said surprised. "Who told you that?" He could feel his brother's body tense and he continued to move his hand gently in circles on Dean's back willing him to relax.

Dean awkwardly rolled half onto his back and looked up at Sam. Sam could see a million emotions flashing through his brother's expressive eyes. Pain, hurt, fear and misery were all there, mixed together. "You said so when I asked you," Dean accused softly.

Sam crinkled his brow thinking hard. "I never...," he started to say before it suddenly dawned on him and he remembered their conversation in the Impala before Dean had left. "You mean when we were talking that afternoon before.... before you up and left?" he asked gently. "Is that why you left?"

Dean turned away from Sam. He nodded slightly as a tear escaped. "You said you didn't want kids ever," Dean managed to choke out. "And I was already pregnant. I was so.... so scared," he admitted. "So I just ran. So.... so me and the kid wouldn't be a burden to you."

"Oh Dean," Sam sighed as he wiped the tear from his brother's face. "You stupid idiot." Dean pulled a face at Sam and turned away again angry. "I thought you were asking.... you had been so quiet for days. Dude I thought you were being all insecure... thinking that I would leave you again," Sam explained. He pulled Dean's face back towards him. "I thought you were asking in your usual weird Dean-like way if I was staying with you. So I just said that to let you know I wanted you and no-one else." Sam blew out a long breath. " How was I to know that we could have kids together?"

Dean stared at Sam searching his brother's face for a hint of a lie or untruth. Sam held his gaze not flinching. This was important and Dean had to know how he felt. He loved Dean and he hoped that his brother loved him. Sam also made a mental note to listen to what Dean wasn't saying in the future. Dean continued to stare at Sam and could see the love his brother felt for him reflected in his light brown eyes. He gave a small nod. "I'm sorry Sammy," he whispered. "For being such an asshole. For being stupid. For .... for not telling you. And.... and for being cruel today. I just.... just," his words suddenly dried up.

"Ssshhh. It's OK," Sam soothed as he caressed his hand across Dean's back again. "We were both stupid assholes. And today we both said stuff we didn't mean. Me mostly," Sam cringed again at the words he had screamed at Dean. "I accused you of being a whore. And you're not. You've never been one and you never will be," he said quietly. "I love you. And I am so sorry."

"I know," Dean murmured. "I know you didn't mean it Sammy."

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. Dean believed him and he knew deep down that his brother forgave him, had probably forgiven him immediately the words were out of his mouth. But Sam knew that it would take much longer for him to forgive himself but it was a start. "Do you love me?" Sam had to know. He knew it was selfish but he had to hear Dean say it out loud. "Because I love you Dean. So much. I need you. Want to be with you forever. Just you and me.... and our child."

"Yes," Dean said firmly as the weight in his heart lightened for the first time in months. Sam loved him. Wanted children with him. He had been so stupid and had spent months being miserable when he could have been happy with his brother enjoying his pregnancy. Dean blew out a breath. "I love you. Love you so much. Need you. For always." Dean squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the pain rise within him again. The contractions were getting stronger. He clenched and unclenched his fists as he tensed his body and gasped. "Kinda hating you right now though," Dean joked through gritted teeth.

Sam snorted lightly. He glanced down at his watch. Five minutes since the last contraction. Sam didn't know anything about labour but guessed that things would start getting interesting pretty quickly. "Just breathe Dean," he encouraged. Sam stood up and quickly poured some of the water into the bowl. He soaked one of the smaller towels and hurried around the bed so he could face Dean. He perched on the edge of the bed grabbing for his hand. With his free hand Sam gently wiped the sweat from Dean's forehead with the damp towel. Dean clutched Sam's hand tightly and struggled to breathe through the pain trying to concentrate on his brother's soothing tone and his gentle caresses. Dean tried to remember what he had read in his pregnancy book about breathing but the pain made everything blurry and his mind was a blank so Dean gave up and just listened to Sam's voice. The pain gradually faded and he released his hold of Sam's hand slightly but not completely.

Sam felt Dean relax as the pain passed and he relaxed too. He ran the damp towel through his brother's short hair and down his neck. Dean sighed pleased at the coolness of the towel. It was then that Sam noticed the bruise on Dean's face and he hated himself a little bit more. "Did I do that?" Sam whispered as he caressed the bruised skin with his long fingers.

Dean saw the look of guilt flit across his brother's face and was desperate to wipe it off Sam's face and out of his heart. "It's OK," Dean reached up and grabbed Sam's fingers kissing each one in turn. "You were just mad. I deserved it for what I said to you. OK?"

Sam stared at his brother seeing forgiveness in the pale eyes and loved Dean a little more if that was possible. He gave a small nod. "OK," he muttered reluctantly as he continued to caress Dean's face softly. Sam had an idea what he had to do and he wasn't sure he was up to the job but he wasn't going to let his brother down now. "I'm not sure I can cut you open," Sam admitted as he bit at his lip anxiously.

"You won't have to," Dean assured softly with a small chuckle. "This kid is coming out the old fashioned way. Legs apart ..... and lots of pushing," he quipped. He groaned and clung onto his stomach as another contraction overwhelmed him. Dean buried his head in the pillows and tightened his grip of Sam's hand again.

"You're kidding. Right?" Sam squeaked as he glanced down at his watch again. Four minutes.

"No," Dean groaned his curses muffled by the pillow.

It took a while for the words to sink completely in. "You mean.... you mean," Sam waved a hand at Dean a look of macabre fascination crossing his face despite the seriousness of the situation.

"Yeah," Dean answered amused at the incredulous look on Sam's face. He smothered the urge to giggle. "Got all the bits somehow. Don't ask me how. My body did it all on its own. And for the record it still freaks me out big time."

"Right," Sam said as the information finally sunk in. "Perhaps... perhaps I should have a look.... down there," he said nervously looking at his brother for permission. He threw the towel into the bowl and sluiced some of the water over his hands drying them on a clean towel.

"Knock yourself out," Dean agreed although he flushed bright red at the thought of Sam looking at his new opening and he cringed with embarrassment.

Sam carefully helped Dean roll onto his back. As he rolled Dean's t-shirt slipped up to reveal his swollen belly. Sam stared at his brother's stomach in awe. Their child was inside, so close, and Sam reached out his hand hovering nervously over the naked skin. He was unsure about touching Dean not wanting to cause him any more pain. Dean startled him slightly as he took hold of his hand laying it on his belly. Dean's skin was warm and soft and Sam smiled up at his brother. Dean returned the smile. Dean tensed suddenly as another contraction assailed his body and he moaned in pain. Sam instinctively caressed the swollen belly trying to comfort his brother through the contraction. It was a weird as well as beautiful sensation as he felt his brother's body contract and Sam resisted the temptation to press his hand harder against the skin in an effort to feel their child. As the pain slowly abated Dean panted slightly to get himself under control.

After a few minutes Sam reluctantly pulled his hand away glancing down at his watch once more. Three minutes. "Back to business," he murmured to himself. In an effort to put off the inevitable moment Sam unnecessarily fussed and fiddled with the pillows pumping them up behind his brother's back for a few minutes. They had been lovers for over six months and had seen each other naked and in various positions many many times and Sam was at a loss to explain his current embarrassment at looking at Dean's nether regions. Dean startled him out of his musings with an annoyed growl.

"Sammy," Dean growled as he lay his head back against the pillows. He was tired, irritable, hot and could feel the sweat running down his back. "Any time before the kid goes to college." Now that Dean knew that Sam was going to look at his nether regions he wanted it over and done with.

"Sorry," Sam apologised and moved slowly to the bottom of the bed. He quickly removed Dean's sneakers throwing them to one side and then gently pulled at this brother's sweat pants removing them and tossing them to the floor. Dean groaned as he lifted his hips up awkwardly to help before drawing his knees upwards. With quick look at his brother Sam carefully pushed his brother's legs apart and peered downwards.

"Well?" Dean asked impatiently as he pushed himself up onto his elbows staring at his brother as Sam's head disappeared between his spread legs. "What do you see?"

Sam didn't have a clue what he was doing or what he was supposed to be looking at. It just felt right to him somehow. Sam shrugged as he looked back up to his brother. "I haven't a clue," he reluctantly admitted as he looked back down.

"Quit staring at my.... my bits," Dean snapped irritably. He closed his spread legs and flopped back against the pillows. "Your head and your.... your other bits between my legs got us into this mess in the first place," Dean waved a hand absently in the general direction of Sam's groin.

"Dude. I never heard you complaining," Sam protested huffily. "And this is my first time delivering a baby." He glared at Dean angrily.

Dean sighed and grabbed for a large book on the bedside table. "Here," he thrust it at Sam. "Look in here."

Sam accepted the book and flicked through the well thumbed pages noting that there was a total of sixteen chapters and eight hundred pages starting with conception and ending with birth. "Dean. I haven't got time to read all this," he said.

Dean groaned in exasperation. "Just the last chapter Sammy," he instructed patiently. "You were there for the first chapter.... and I think you can skip the others and move right on to the end."

"Oh OK," Sam blushed cursing himself for his foolishness although he still failed to see what he could learn in a few minutes from a book. Sam perched on the end of the bed, the book in his lap scanning the pages of the last chapter. He absently stroked at one of Dean's legs as he skimmed the gist of the chapter.

Dean smiled to himself as he watched his brother studying the book with the most serious look on his face that Dean had ever seen. Every now and again Sam bit at a nail nervously as he flicked the pages backwards and forwards. God he loved him so much. Sam's hand absently rubbing his leg anchored him as he tried to ignore the pain that insisted on making a repeat performance. Dean squeezed his eyes closed as he clutched at his belly panting hard against the blossoming pain.  As before the hurt gradually faded but Dean reckoned the pains were now much longer in duration than before and were definitely coming faster and faster and closer and closer. "Sammy," Dean gasped.

"Mmmm," Sam murmured distracted as he studied one of the pictures in the book.

"Sammy," Dean repeated a bit louder to get his brother's attention. He nudged Sam with his foot. "I feel weird," he confessed.

"Weird how?" Sam looked up from the book.

"Just weird," Dean rolled his eyes in frustration.

"Weird isn't in the book," Sam teased trying to calm himself and quell the panic that he felt rising inside him again. He laid the book on the bed trying to flick through the pages and read quickly preparing himself for the inevitable. He was about to help Dean deliver their child.

"Forget the damned book," Dean snarled as he kicked the book onto the floor.

"It was your idea," Sam retorted.

Dean scowled. "My .... my body has other ideas," he puffed as he raised himself slightly up and forwards spreading his legs as wide as he could. "Oh God. I gotta push," Dean announced as an intense pain spread across his stomach. The weird sensation and urge to push was so great that Dean couldn't stop it even if he tried. "I think our kid wants out.... and now," he groaned loud and long as he bore down, his muscles quivering with the effort.

"It's OK Dean," Sam said with more confidence than he felt. He hated seeing Dean in pain and wished there was more that he could do. "I'm here," he soothed as he knelt at the end of the bed. He glanced downwards still not able to see anything. He gave Dean an encouraging smile. Dean tried to return the smile but it came out as a grimace. The urge to push stopped as suddenly as it started and he sunk back into the pillows panting to get his breath back. He had just got his breath back when the urge to push overwhelmed him again. Dean leant forwards again scrunching up his face and pushed again. He cried out at the effort. "It hurts," Dean cried. "Make it stop Sammy," he pleaded.

Sam bit at his lips hating to see his brother in pain. "Push against me," he gently lifted Dean's feet up placing them against his body. "Let me take some of the strain," he offered softly. Dean bit at his lip and nodded slightly. Dean screwed up his face in concentration as he pressed against Sam's body.

"Come on Dean. Push," Sam encouraged as he felt his brother press against his body with his feet.

Dean let out a long sigh as he flopped back into the pillows the contraction lessening for a moment. "I don't wanna push any more." Dean was exhausted. The contractions and pushing had taken their toll and he wanted to give up. He moaned softly as he felt the next contraction growing within him and knew his body wouldn't let him get away with not pushing.

"You have to push," Sam insisted firmly.

"You damn well push then," Dean snapped as he lifted himself from the pillows again. His whole body ached and he could see that his thighs were slightly blood splattered.

"I would if I could," Sam gave Dean another smile. He looked down and thought he could see the head of their child at Dean's entrance. "Push," he repeated.

"If you say push once more I am seriously gonna hurt you," Dean threatened but bore down with all his might. It was the weirdest sensation and feeling that Dean had ever experienced in his life and he felt his whole body straining at the effort. Dean took a deep breath between contractions and pushed again willing the child out of his body. Dean mumbled curses and bit on his lip as his body contracted and protested against his struggles to give birth.

"Come on Dean," Sam said stroking his hand along one of Dean's legs. "You can do it. I know you can. Pu...," he went to repeat but stopped mid-word at the death glare Dean shot him.

"I'm only doing this for you," Dean grimaced and puffed out a quick breath before he bore down hard.

Sam snorted at his brother and braced himself as Dean pushed hard on his body and he knew he would have bruises the next day. Sam could feel the muscles in Dean's legs flexing as he pushed. "The head's out," Sam said excitedly as he grabbed a towel. "One last big effort and you're done," he encouraged glancing up at his brother. Dean looked pale, sweaty and totally exhausted.

"I can't dude," Dean protested. "Tired."

"I know but you're nearly there," Sam continued to encourage. He knew he shouldn't pull the child but it was hard to resist the temptation in order to put an end to Dean's pain. "Come on Dean. You can do it," he said instead.

"I hate you," Dean gave a long sigh and bore down again as hard as he could. He squeezed his eyes shut with the effort and pushed against Sam with his feet willing the child out of him. He let out a long cry at the effort but kept pushing along with the contraction that gripped his whole body. He panted loudly at the effort.

"I know," Sam smiled up at his brother. "Just one more little push," he risked saying the word as he put his hands near the child's head for support. "Then you're done. OK?"

Dean took a deep breath and bore down again. He gasped in pain panting hard with the struggle to free their child from his body. He bore down again determined. "Sammy," Dean cried out pushing with all the strength he had left.

"He's out," Sam caught the child as Dean's body expelled the baby into the world. "You.... we have a son. You did it Dean." Sam grinned happily.

Dean flopped back against the pillows closing his eyes wearily. He desperately wanted to hold his child but he was so tired. Dean relaxed his legs slightly but to his surprise found it was more comfortable to keep his legs apart with his knees bent. He also sensed he was also still connected to his child.

Sam stared down at the child in his hands not quite believing that he was actually holding his son something that Dean and he had made together with their love. The child, still connected to his brother, was perfect in every way and Sam couldn't resist counting all his little fingers and toes. He was tiny, covered in blood from the birth and Sam guessed he weighed no more than about five pounds if that. Sam was surprised that the child was so still and not squirming in his hands. He looked closer sucking in a breath. The tiny lips had a bluish tinge as did the skin and the child was completely quiet as well as unmoving in his hands.

"Oh God," Sam breathed as he wiped the blood of the little face with the towel.

"What?" Dean's eyes snapped open at the tone in Sam's voice. He struggled into a half sitting position balancing himself on his elbows. "What's wrong? Sammy?"

Sam looked up at Dean his expression panicked. "He's not breathing."

BABY WINCHESTER

"Sammy," Dean cried panicked as he looked up at his brother staring down at their motionless newborn son. "Do something."

Sam looked up at Dean shock in his eyes. "I don't know what to do," he admitted his own panic and terror rising up and nearly choking him. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest and his mouth was dry. Sam stared down again at his newborn son and knew that Dean was in no state to help him. For once in his life Dean couldn't rescue him and saving their son was totally up to him and it terrified him more than anything he had ever faced in his life. He knelt at the bottom of the bed frozen to the spot as his tiny son lay so still and quiet in his hands. Sam's mind raced trying to decide what to do but he felt like he was in a daze and all the basic first aid knowledge that their father had drummed into them from an early age deserted him as he continued to stare down at the unmoving child.

"Don't let him die," Dean pleaded hysterically as he shifted forwards slightly on the bed. Dean knew he was still connected to the child and he groaned in pain as his body protested the movement but he was determined to get close to his son. Hold his son. "Sammy," he choked out a sob as he reached his hands out beseechingly. Dean's body protested the motion again with a sharp stabbing pain that almost took his breath away. Dean moaned softly as he gave up trying to move. Instead he wrapped his arms around his body and stared at Sam and their son willing his brother to do something. Dean began to rock slightly as his fear slowly overwhelmed him. Tears welled up in his eyes and he let them fall down his face unchecked.

Something in Dean's pleading tone snapped Sam out of his stupor. He had to be strong. Strong for Dean, for both of them. And he knew in his heart that if their son died Dean wouldn't survive and Sam couldn't let that happen. He needed and loved his brother so much. Sam was suddenly spurred into action. He leant over and grabbed from the first aid kit the sealed scalpel. Still holding his son in one hand Sam bit at the seal and ripped off the sterile covering ignoring the fact that he had probably just compromised the sterility of the scalpel. Quickly and efficiently Sam cut the cord joining Dean to their son. Grabbing a towel from the pile at his side Sam placed their son into its warmth and cradled the child in one arm. The baby remained silent and unmoving.

Sam then gently prised open the baby's mouth and cleaned out any birth gunk or anything that could be blocking the tiny airway. The baby remained silent and still and Sam could feel his terror threatening to choke him. "Please live," he pleaded silently "We need you to live." Sam repeated the words over and over in his head as he felt for a heart beat. He wasn't sure if he could feel one so Sam decided to gently massage a finger over the area of the child's heart hoping that he was doing the right thing. Sam felt so big and clumsy compared to the tiny body in his hands and was frightened that instead of helping his son he would hurt him.

Sam could feel Dean's eyes on him. Could feel his brother silently pleading to save their son. He briefly glanced upwards. Dean was crying. His usually closed off no chick flick moments brother was crying. The crying was silent as Dean let his tears fall unchecked down his face. Dean looked pale and exhausted and he was hugging his arms around his body rocking slightly. His legs were still drawn up and the inside of his thighs were blood splattered from the birth. His pale eyes were fixed on their child and there was a desperation reflected in them that Sam had never seen before. He also noticed that small tremors were wracking his brother's body and Sam was suddenly terrified that Dean would go into shock and was probably well on his way from the blood loss, the traumatic events of the day that he had caused, the actual birth and the anxiety over his child. His mind screamed at him making him feel dizzy and Sam knew that he had to act quickly to save his son and help Dean.

He bit down the dizziness and turned his attention back to their son deciding to try something different. Sam leant down and carefully opened the tiny mouth. Leaning down Sam blew gently over the baby's nose and mouth as he continued to massage his finger over the child's chest. "Please breathe," his mind screamed over and over. Sam leant down and blew gently again.

Sam was just about to repeat the action when their child let out a loud protesting keening wail that seemed to fill the room. It was the most beautiful sound in the world and Sam let out a deep thankful and relief filled sigh. The small body began to wriggle and squirm in his arms. The child screwed up its face and continued to howl his distress loudly proving to the world that his lungs were strong and healthy. Sam couldn't help smiling happily. Sam knew that it had only been minutes since the birth but to him it had seemed like hours and he felt like he had aged twenty years and he couldn't even start to imagine what it had been like for Dean. "Sssshhh," Sam soothed as he rocked the small body in his arms.

Sam glanced up at his brother and his heart ran cold the smile freezing on his face. Dean was staring sightlessly into space seemingly oblivious to the cries from their newborn apparently locked in his own terror and fear. Dean had stopped crying but was still trembling and all of the colour had drained from his tear stained face. He had relaxed his legs onto the bed and was leaning back against the mountain of pillows and cushions.

Panic gripped Sam again as he moved to perch on the edge of bed next to his brother. Cradling his son carefully in one arm Sam reached out his free hand and gently touched his brother's face. Dean flinched and turned his pale eyes towards Sam. His expression was confused and dazed and he blinked at Sam as though he was trying to focus. "Look," Sam offered the child to his brother. "He was just trying to scare us. He's fine Dean," Sam said as calmly and reassuringly as he could.

A single tear fell down Dean's face as he looked down at their son. "Sammy," he murmured as he stared at the wriggling bundle in his brother's arms. Dean felt completely numb inside, his whole body ached and he couldn't seem to stop shaking. But he desperately wanted to hold their son. He went to accept the child but Dean couldn't seem to make his arms or body work and he growled softly in frustration.

"It's OK," Sam replied softly as he helped Dean to sit up pushing more pillows behind his back to support him. Sam then carefully laid the child across Dean's thighs. Scooting closer to Dean he reached across and supported the child's head.

Dean looked down at the now sleeping baby. "Hey," Dean whispered as he touched the small face with a finger. The skin was warm and soft and he gave a small smile. "He's so little," he turned to look at Sam his eyes filled with worry.

"He'll grow," Sam assured.

Dean gave a slight nod and turned away to look down at his son again totally in awe at the small life balancing on his legs, the life he had nurtured within his body for so many months. He looked perfect but Dean still couldn't help worrying. "Do you think he's OK?" he asked anxiously as he screwed up his face in thought. "I.... I think he was... you know early but I'm not really sure," Dean sighed in defeat.

"Yes," Sam said as confidently as he could for Dean's sake. "I'm sure he'll be just fine." He dismissed any nagging doubts to the back of his mind about their child being born early without medical assistance. Sam also knew that Dean should be seen by a doctor but immediately dismissed the thought. They would just have to cope on their own and Sam offered up a silent prayer hoping that both his son and brother would recover from the birth with no lingering after-effects.

"Can we call him Stephen?" Dean asked quietly. He turned back to Sam. He was suddenly consumed with guilt knowing that it was only fair that Sam got to pick their child's name. He had been the one to run away and if it hadn't been for Sam's stubbornness and determination to find him his brother would have never known his own child.

"Why Stephen?" Sam asked curious as he rolled the name around in his head.

"I just.... just kinda like it. And Stephen Winchester sounds like a strong name," Dean gave a small shrug. "But if you... you don't like it you can choose something else," he stammered as his guilt stabbed at him again.

Sam looked at Dean could see the hope in the pale eyes. But he could also see fear and guilt reflected and he sensed what his brother was feeling. Sam rolled the name around his head again. "I like it," he decided and was rewarded with a bright smile from Dean. "Hello Stephen Winchester," Sam stroked a finger down the tiny face. Stephen opened his eyes, gave a huge yawn and promptly went to sleep again.

"You're boring him already," Dean teased lightly as he leant against Sam's shoulder. He was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. But he was too afraid to close his eyes in case something happened to their baby and Dean knew that he wouldn't be able to bear it. Sam snorted at his brother but decided not to rise to Dean's baiting. Instead he began to caress Dean's hair soothingly. He could feel that Dean was still trembling slightly and he looked too pale for Sam's liking. Dean relaxed despite his fears about Stephen and leaned into Sam's touch suddenly glad for his brother's pigheadedness. Sam was here. Sam loved him and Dean knew deep down that Sam wasn't going to leave them. It made him feel loved and secure.

Two hours later.......

Sam blew out a breath. He was exhausted but happy. He was sitting on the bed propped up by the pillows with Dean laying between his legs fast asleep in his arms. Their newborn son was safely asleep in his bassinet on the other side of the bed, his teddy bear and rabbit silently watching over him. Dean had one hand on the edge of the bassinet as if he was trying to keep some contact with their son.

It had been two hours since Stephen Winchester had made his dramatic appearance into the world and Sam let his mind wander over the events. After he was satisfied that Dean was calm enough to be left with their child Sam had hurried into the bathroom filling the bowl with warm water. Quickly returning to his brother Sam had gently bathed their son. Dean had silently watched his every movement clutching a towel in his hands ready for Sam to use to dry their child with. Sam had noticed that his brother kept wringing the towel in his hands and every now and again Dean seemed to descend into a world of his own staring ahead distractedly. Sam managed to bring his brother back to the present each time with soft calming words putting his odd behaviour down to exhaustion from the birth. Stephen had then been diapered, dressed in blue pajamas with teddy bear motifs, fed his first bottle and laid in his bassinet. The child fell asleep quickly.

It had only taken him fifteen minutes to get their son sorted out and the next job on his list had been Dean who had fidgeting for a while. Sam had prodded and questioned until Dean reluctantly admitted that he was in pain and felt uncomfortable. Sam knew what it meant and he guessed Dean did too - his brother needed to deliver the afterbirth. Sam had read somewhere, he couldn't remember where or why he had read the article, that breast feeding sometimes helped the process but that wasn't possible in Dean's case so his brother had to endure more painful contractions as his body struggled to expel the afterbirth. Afterwards Dean had looked even more exhausted and pale than before and Sam was beginning to worry about his brother's health.

He had pushed his concerns to the back of his mind and transferred Dean from the bed to a chair covering him with a blanket. He had then quickly and efficiently stripped the bed of its blood stained sheets throwing them in the bucket for burning later. He then remade the bed with fresh linen and blankets and pumped up the pillows and cushions at the head of the bed. Sam couldn't help himself and had quickly tidied around the room making it look less like a delivery room and more like a bedroom. Dean had teased him but Sam didn't care wanting to make the room as comfortable as possible for Dean and their new son.

Sam had then half carried Dean into the bathroom. Sitting him on the edge of the bath with his legs in the tub Sam had helped his brother clean himself up. Dean had leant against him heavily sighing in pleasure as Sam had wiped the warm soapy cloth all over his body and had even admitted that it felt good. Despite loud protests that he could manage on his own Sam helped a pouting Dean into some clean sweat pants and a t-shirt and helped him back to the bed.

Dean had stubbornly tried to stay awake fighting off sleep for an hour determined to watch over their son despite Sam's assurances that he would do it. Eventually Sam had cheated and began to caress a hand through Dean's hair gently whispering soft nothing words of love and affection. Eventually Dean had succumbed to the caresses and words and had fallen asleep in his arms.

While Dean had been sleeping Sam had made the mistake of getting out his laptop and checking the internet for information on births without medical assistance and had seriously frightened himself. He had read a couple of articles with growing horror before forcing himself to turn the machine off and not look again. But the fear was there slowly growing inside him. Sam had felt his body tensing in barely controlled panic and had nearly woken Dean who mumbled incoherently in his sleep. He forced himself to relax and began to caress Dean's hair again hoping that his brother would stay sleeping. Thankfully it worked and Sam took deep breaths to calm himself.

Sam looked down at his family. He was deliriously happy but the nagging doubts and fear in the back of his mind kept him awake. Sam was worried about them both and couldn't ignore the fact that Dean really needed to be looked at by a doctor. And Stephen looked healthy enough but Sam knew that they both wouldn't be happy or satisfied until their small son had been checked out by a professional.

His mind was in a complete turmoil and he didn't know what to do. Sam felt totally helpless. He couldn't help it. He was definitely out of his depth and he knew it. They needed help. Their father was dead killed in the final battle with the demon protecting both of them. So they had no family except each other. But they needed someone they could trust.

Bobby. He would take his small family to Bobby. Sam knew that their friend would help them. They would go tomorrow.

BABY BLUES

A day and a half later........

Five miles to go.

A hundred miles ago Sam had decided that it hadn't been one of his better plans but it was too late at that point. He was tired having decided to drive straight through with only short rest stops to feed and change Stephen and feed themselves. Their son had taken to life in the back of the Impala like a pro and seemed to be thriving but Dean was another matter. He was in pain and wasn't admitting it to himself or Sam. He had hardly eaten anything at their stops and Sam knew that Dean had thrown up at their last stop but with his guilt slowly mounting had decided not to call his brother on it. Dean looked grey and totally drained and Sam's anxiety was going up in notches each mile he drove. Sam glanced sideways at his brother and could see the lines of pain etched in Dean's face despite the fact that he was asleep.

Two miles to go.

Sam knew, deep down, that he had made a mistake. He had panicked and acted out of fear and stupidity. He only hoped that Dean would forgive him for any pain he had caused him. But in his mind the plan he had formulated as Dean slept the night of the birth seemed a good one. They needed help. Bobby would help. So get to Bobby's house as fast as they could. At the time Sam couldn't see any flaws in the plan but over a hundred miles later he could see every one in vivid technicolour as they bounced around his head.

The day after Dean had given birth Sam had woken early and carefully extricated himself from his brother. He had bathed, fed and dressed Stephen enjoying a few moments alone with his new son revelling in the perfection that Dean and he had created with their love. He had reluctantly placed Stephen back in his bassinet close to Dean and then went to work. Sam had quickly and quietly packed all their things shoving them into the Impala. It had taken him over three hours to get himself sorted out. He had paid the rent on the cabin, called the car hire company to let them know where the jeep was parked, burnt the blood stained sheets and towels, taken care of the afterbirth, packed up a few provisions for the journey, tidied the cabin as best he could and planned their route on his laptop.

Sam had then woken Dean, helped him shower and change his clothes and made him eat some toast and drink some juice. He had then outlined his plan. Dean had never uttered one protest about his plan, a fact that now worried Sam. Dean had then allowed himself to be bundled into the passenger seat and even covered with a blanket. Sam had secured their son into the backseat strapped into his car seat and wrapped in blankets with his faithful teddy bear and rabbit sitting alongside him.

They had now been on the road for over day and Sam was glad that their journey was almost over. Sam hadn't called Bobby to tell him that they were coming and was now beginning to doubt that decision as well. It didn't seem fair to drop in unexpected and uninvited but as Sam seemed to have been saying a lot over the last day it was too late. He groaned silently to himself and hoped that Bobby wouldn't turn them away.

Sam brightened a little as he saw the gates to Bobby salvage yard but his heart insisted in thudding nervously and loudly in his chest. He skidded to a halt outside Bobby's house. He glanced sideways and gently nudged Dean. "We're here," Sam said as he leapt out of the Impala.

"Mmmmm," Dean mumbled as he forced himself to wake up. He looked around blearily recognising the familiar surroundings. Bobby's house. Tossing the blanket aside Dean groaned as he levered himself out of the passenger seat.

Bobby had heard the car and was now walking around to the front of his house wiping his greasy hands on a towel. "Boys," he exclaimed in surprise not expecting a visit. Bobby had known that Sam was looking for Dean. He had also been worried about his friend and had been in the middle of getting one of his trucks in tip-top condition so he could join in the search if Sam needed him. "I see you found each other."

"Yeah," Sam nodded and gave their friend a small smile.

Bobby frowned. Sam looked worried and slightly panicked. "What brings you here?" he asked concerned as he threw the towel to one side.

Dean didn't miss the surprise in Bobby's tone and shot an angry glare at Sam not being able to believe that his brother hadn't warned his friend they were coming. Sam turned away with a blush knowing exactly what Dean was thinking. The guilt he had been feeling for over a day increased ten-fold and he groaned inwardly cursing his stupidity for the hundredth time.

It was then that Bobby got a closer look at Dean. He'd never seen the young hunter look so sick. He'd seen him bloody, bruised, scratched and slashed to hell but never so drained and sickly looking "Hell Dean," Bobby said. "You look like shit."

"Thanks dude," Dean tried to give a cocky smile but it came out as a pained grimace as he hung onto the door of the Impala for dear life. The world was starting to spin and he felt sick.

"What have you been doing to yourself?" Bobby asked worriedly.

"Oh you know," Dean shrugged slightly immediately regretting the movement as it jarred his aching body. "Just giving birth to our son."

"Shit," Bobby muttered under his breath and shot a look at Sam as if asking for confirmation. Nothing would ever surprise him with these two boys but getting pregnant and giving birth immediately made number one of the strange things Bobby had encountered in his life.

Sam nodded. "A day and a half ago," he reluctantly admitted as he waved towards the backseat of the Impala.

Bobby bent down and peered into the back of the Impala. It was true. A small sleeping baby was bundled in blankets and strapped into a car seat. Bobby had guessed about the change in their relationship and it had never bothered him. He had seen so much cruelty, darkness and viciousness in his life that he was happy that the brothers had finally found some light in the darkness of their lives. Bobby loved them for who they were and they seemed so happy with each other - happier than he had ever seen them before. He never mentioned it to either of the boys and in turn Sam and Dean seemed grateful that they didn't have to pretend in front of him. Even though Bobby had seen many supernatural things, many if not all totally unbelievable, never in his wildest dreams would he have believed that Dean getting pregnant was possible. But the evidence was in front of his eyes. "Shit," Bobby repeated to himself as he straightened up. He glared at Sam not believing that the younger man had dragged his newborn son and obviously sick brother across the country. Sam seemed to wither under the stare and Bobby immediately felt guilty. "He's cute," he gave Sam a reassuring smile.

Sam gave Bobby a smile back before glancing over to his brother. He could see that Dean was barely hanging on and looked ready to drop. Sam moved quickly around to the other side of the car to help his brother.

"I'm fine," Dean slapped Sam's away from him. He was exhausted, ached all over and he could feel the sweat running down the back of his neck but hell would freeze over before he admitted it to Sam or Bobby. Dean was determined to walk to the house without help deciding that it would help alleviate some of the guilt he could see in Sam's eyes and had been seeing in Sam's eyes since they left the cabin. But he would still be having a long talk with his brother. Dean took a deep breath and pushed himself off the door.

"Dean," Sam protested.

"Sam," Dean glared at his brother daring him to help.

But Sam knew better and stepped away. "Stubborn ass," he murmured under his breath knowing that his brother would only get more obstinate if he tried to help. Dean glared at him but Sam stubbornly hovered at his brother's side as he started to slowly walk in the direction of the house. Dean still felt sick and dizzy and the world insisted on tilting sideways. He gritted his teeth against the feelings and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. Dean thought he heard Sam shout his name as it went blurry and he felt his legs buckle. He couldn't help himself and he pitched forwards. Dean vaguely felt arms around him as his world suddenly went black and he sunk into the dark abyss.

Sam saw his brother's legs buckle under him and grabbed for Dean. "Oh God," Sam whispered as he managed to stop Dean hitting the dirt. He swiftly put one hand under Dean's knees the other around his back and heaved his brother up into his arms. Dean's head flopped against his shoulder and Sam braced himself adjusting his brother's weight against him.

"Get him inside. Back room. You know where it is," Bobby shouted. Sam glanced over his shoulder and Bobby knew without asking what the younger man was worried about. "Don't worry I'll get the little guy," he leant into the car and hastily unstrapped the baby carrier. "Well aint you cute," Bobby cooed to the now wide awake child. He grabbed the rabbit and teddy bear stuffing them under his other arm. " You come with your Uncle Bobby," the older man hurried after Sam.

Bobby deposited the carrier and soft toys on the lumpy couch. As far as he could see the baby was OK. Bobby couldn't resist it. He ran a finger down the small face. "Well aint you just cute," he repeated as the child yawned and closed his eyes. "Guess you had a couple of busy days," Bobby smiled at the now sleeping child as he made sure the blankets were tucked securely around the small body. Bobby grabbed for his cell phone making a quick call before hurrying towards the back of the house.

The boys always used the room at the back of the house when they visited. It was a large airy room with its own bathroom and french window/doors that led out to a small decking area. Bobby had just recently decorated both rooms and had replaced the twin beds with a large double. He wasn't going to admit it but he had hoped that Dean and Sam would come by more often but never dreamed they would visit under the present unusual circumstances. Bobby knew that he had the crib that had belonged to his sister in the attic and immediately decided that he would be fetching it down as soon as possible. His nephew needed somewhere to sleep he thought to himself.

Sam was perched on the edge of the bed gently caressing Dean's face. His concern had moved into overdrive and he was desperate for his brother to wake up. "Come on Dean," he whispered softly patting the sweat dampened skin. "Open your eyes for me," he pleaded.

"Mmmmm," Dean moved his head from side to side swatting at the hand patting his face.

"That's it," Sam encouraged. He sighed with relief as he watched Dean struggle to open his eyes.

"Sammy," Dean mumbled as he forced his eyes open. He blinked trying to focus on his brother's face. The blurriness slowly cleared and he could see Sam's worried face looking down at him.

Sam leaned over Dean. "How you doing dude?"

"Get the truck that ran me over," Dean muttered as he closed his eyes again. Sam gave a small laugh as he ran his hand through Dean's hair soothingly. Dean leaned into the touch slightly and smiled.

"How's he doing?" Bobby asked from the door not wanting to intrude.

Sam turned a worried look on his face. "He's a bit hot," he said as he ran his fingers across Dean's forehead.

"I'm always hot," Dean interrupted opening his eyes again. He gave Sam a small smirk.

Sam snorted. "Says you," he teased lightly as he got to his feet.

Dean rolled his eyes at his brother. He looked around the room suddenly panicked. Dean sat up groaning with the effort. "Stevie," he cried. "Where's Stevie?" he swung his legs off the bed and struggled to his feet. He took a couple of steps before closing his eyes in an effort to rid himself of the dizziness that hit him the moment he got to his feet.

"Dean," Sam grabbed his brother as he swayed on his feet. "Take it easy. He's fine. Bobby took care of him." Sam looked to his friend for help.

"Bobby?" Dean struggled weakly in Sam's hold.

"The little guy is fast asleep on my couch," Bobby nodded. "Guess he got bored with all the goings on," he moved into the room cautiously.

"You promise?" Dean muttered still looking panicked. His struggling had lessened and he was sagging in Sam's arms as though the fight was slowly draining out of him.

"Dean," Sam pleaded as he battled to keep his brother on his feet and move him back towards the bed. "Please."

Bobby frowned noting the look of desperation in Dean's expression and not really understanding it. He made a mental note to ask Sam later. "Yeah. He's OK," Bobby assured. "Dean," he softly touched the younger man's arm. " Why don't you get some sleep. You still look like crap. And me and Sam... well we'll take care of Stevie. OK?"

Sam frowned and gave a small groan knowing that their son was now going to be called Stevie by everyone but he decided he kind of liked it, not that he was ever going to admit it to Dean. Sam turned his attention back to Dean. "I promise he's OK," Sam said calmly. "Bobby wouldn't let anything happen to him."

Dean looked from Sam to Bobby and back again knowing deep down that this was a battle he wasn't going to win. And he trusted Bobby nearly as much as he trusted Sam. Dean gave a small nod and let Sam lower him back onto the bed. "Take care of Stevie," he mumbled as he closed his eyes.

"We will," Sam perched on the edge of the bed. "I promise."

Half an hour later.........

"He's asleep," Sam said as he joined Bobby in the living room. He had managed to get Dean out of his clothes and under the comforter. Sam had then sat whispering calming words until his brother had finally succumbed to sleep. Sam moved over to his sleeping son and carefully unstrapped him lifting the child into his arms. Stephen murmured in his sleep and Sam rocked him gently the action calming his tiny son as well as his own shattered nerves. "I'm worried about Dean," he admitted quietly as he softly stroked Stephen's face. "I didn't think he'd be this sick." Sam bit at his lip nervously.

"I guess the journey didn't do him much good," Bobby said gently making sure that his tone wasn't accusing as he didn't want to upset Sam any more than he was already. Bobby shrugged. "But Dean is Dean and I'm sure he'll be just fine in a couple of days."

"I guess," Sam agreed.

"I called a doctor friend of mine," Bobby said. "He'll be here in an hour or so." He put his hand up to stop Sam's expected protest. "And don't worry his momma and daddy were hunters... so he'll be cool."

Sam looked at Bobby. "You're sure?" he asked not wanting to risk Dean or his son. "Dean just ..... just gave birth.... and... and....," Sam's words dried up and he looked down at their sleeping child.

Bobby got to his feet. He patted Sam's arm reassuringly. "Quit worrying Sam," he said. "Ethan Driscoll has seen it all so he won't be freaked out by Dean, his having a baby or any damn thing for that matter." Bobby slumped back down into the chair and watched in silence as Sam paced up and down his living room. "He's a good man. Patched me up a fair few times... and if I remember rightly even your daddy a few years back."

Sam stared at Bobby for a moment. He trusted his friend and trusted his judgement. "OK," Sam replied as he continued to pace up and down the room.

"So you gonna tell me?" Bobby asked as he cocked his head to one side. He was curious as to what had happened and had been waiting for Sam to tell but obviously his young friend needed a prod or two.

"Tell you what?" Sam evaded the question turning his back on his friend. He rocked Stephen some more as he tried to gather up his thoughts knowing that he owed Bobby an explanation.

"Sam Winchester," Bobby protested raising his voice slightly. Sam turned around to face him and Bobby bit the inside of his mouth to stop himself from laughing at the startled expression on his young friend's face. "And all that walking up and down is gonna make the kid dizzy or sick or both," Bobby nodded at the small child still cradled in Sam's arms.

Sam let out a long sigh and slumped down in the battered armchair cradling Stephen in his arms. His guilt for dropping in unannounced was back with a vengeance making it feel as though his head was going to explode. He let out a deep breath. "I'm sorry Bobby," Sam looked up at the older man. "As soon as Dean wakes up we'll go. Find a motel or.... or something."

"And just when did I say I wanted you to leave?" Bobby asked angrily pushing down his feelings of hurt that Sam would think that he wanted them to leave. "You, Dean and that little one in your arms are staying.... and that's final. So you just sit there. Get your head outta your ass and tell me what the hell is going on." He folded his arms determined and looked expectantly at Sam.

Sam looked up in surprise having never really heard Bobby angry before and he knew that he had caused it with his stupid words. Of course Bobby wouldn't make them leave. He sighed again wondering idly if he would ever be able to make up for his current stupidity. "I don't know where to begin," Sam confessed. He was fighting back the tears that had been threatening to fall since Dean had given birth. He was frightened and desperately worried about his brother and his son and every time he opened his mouth he seemed to hurt those he loved or who were trying to help him.

Bobby could see the confusion and turmoil in Sam's eyes and his heart melted at the sight. He couldn't bear to see Sam or Dean in pain. He was extremely fond of both boys, loved them as though they were his own sons and couldn't help feeling pleased that Sam had come to him for help. And he was going to make damn sure he helped both of the boys whether they wanted it or not.

Bobby gave Sam a small encouraging smile and got to his feet moving over to the couch. He slumped down next to Sam and put his hand on the younger man's knee. "Beginning is as good a place as any," he suggested. "I got all night. I aint going nowhere and I'm listening."

Two weeks later........

Sam was looking for Dean although he knew where his brother would be - either with the Impala or amongst the wreck of cars and trucks in Bobby's yard tinkering with one of the car's engines that was probably way past saving. It had been that way since Dean had forced himself out of bed just three days after they had arrived at Bobby's house.

Sam sighed to himself wishing, and not for the first time in the last two weeks, that his brother would slow down and rest. But stubborn with a capital 'S' was Dean Winchester's middle name and once out of bed was determined to prove to everybody that he was just fine.

Bobby's doctor friend, Ethan, had arrived a few minutes after Sam had finally managed to explain everything to Bobby right from the beginning up until the birth and having to resuscitate Stephen. He had then tried to explain his thinking behind driving for a day and a half. Bobby had remained silent throughout nodding occasionally without a hint of condemnation and giving encouraging murmurs when words failed Sam. He had felt better afterwards, less burdened, but his relief quickly turned back to fear the moment the doctor had arrived.

Bobby had shown Ethan to the back room making Sam stay with Stephen in the living room. Ethan had taken over half an hour examining Dean and Sam had been barely been able to constrain himself from bursting into the bedroom and demanding what was happening. But Bobby had kept him calm, kept him grounded and talked to him about everything and nothing and had even persuaded him to bathe, feed and change Stephen in an effort to distract him from what was going on in their bedroom.

When he had finally been let into the bedroom Dean had been hooked up to an IV drip attached to his right hand and was asleep again. Sam had noted a second IV bag laying on the bedside table and heard Ethan giving Bobby instructions about connecting it as soon as the first bag had run through. Then the doctor had assured him that his brother would be fine and was healing nicely despite the conditions that he had given birth in. However he explained that Dean was dehydrated, had a low grade fever and was exhausted from the blood loss and birth as well as the day and half's car journey. Ethan had given his brother a couple of precautionary shots and advised that Dean should remain in bed for a few days to rest and recuperate.

The doctor had then turned his attention to Stephen. Bobby had laughed out loud when Ethan nearly had to wrestle the baby from Sam's arms. Sam had reluctantly handed the baby over but had hovered at the doctor's side all the time he checked his son over. Stephen had screamed loudly and wriggled in protest throughout the whole examination process. Despite the wailing and squirming baby the doctor had gently poked, prodded and measured, listened to the child's heart, cleaned up the umbilical cord site, taken some blood as a precaution and administered routine preventative shots. Bobby had even found some old fashioned scales and Stephen had been weighed for the first time - four pounds ten ounces. Sam had been worried but Ethan assured him that their son although small was completely healthy despite probably having been born between two to three weeks early. Sam had been so relieved when he could cuddle his son again and had nearly forgotten to thank the doctor for all his help.

Three days later Dean was out of bed and insisting on helping Bobby in the salvage yard. Bobby had remained quiet and Sam had argued that he needed to rest but Dean had ignored him, pulled on old jeans and a t-shirt and disappeared. And it had been the same every day since. He always came back filthy dirty with oil and grease and totally exhausted. Sam couldn't help worrying about Dean and had caught him on more than one occasion just staring into the distance as if lost in his own world. Dean hardly ever touched their son and didn't seem interested. His behaviour was completely the opposite to what he had been like when Stephen had been born. Sam happily took care of their child's needs, cuddled and talked to him all the time but he desperately wanted his brother to enjoy their son as well. Dean's odd behaviour confused him but at the same time it made him angry with his brother and Sam didn't know what to do for the best.

Sam was brought back to the present by a string of loud curses. He hurried over towards the Impala. "You OK?" he shouted to Dean who was rubbing at one of his hands cursing loudly.

"Yeah," Dean glanced up at Sam. "Wrench just slipped and caught my hand."

"Let me see," Sam held out his hand expectantly as he looked his brother up and down. Dean looked tired and was still too pale for his liking. Sam had also noticed that his brother still wasn't eating properly and had amazingly lost all of his pregnancy weight gain and much more. He also knew that Dean wasn't sleeping very well and most nights as he pretended to be asleep Sam lay instead listening as Dean tossed and turned trying to sleep.

"No," Dean replied. "I said it was OK," he snapped irritably.

Sam rolled his eyes at this brother cursing him under his breath. Dean had been snappy and irritable for the last few days and everything that Sam said seemed to set him off. Sam bit at his tongue not wanting to start another argument. "You ready?" he asked instead.

Dean frowned at Sam. "Ready for what?" he asked puzzled as he wiped his dirty hands down his even dirtier t-shirt.

"The appointment we have with Ethan this afternoon," Sam explained patiently. "You know your son's appointment," he couldn't help adding. "Ethan wanted to check you both over."

"Is that today?" Dean asked distractedly as he bent over the Impala's engine.

"You know it is," Sam snapped exasperated.

"I'm busy," Dean snapped back. "Can we go another day?"

"No," Sam said stubbornly folding his arms across his chest. "We're going this afternoon."

Dean ignored him making Sam even angrier. "I swear you love that car more than your own son," Sam accused angrily.

Dean stood up and glared at his brother hurt at the stinging accusation. He did love Stephen but for some reason he didn't understand he was terrified and had let Sam take over the care for their child to the point that Dean felt completely left out and isolated from his family. He knew it was his own fault but it still hurt and Dean couldn't work out how he felt at the moment. He lay awake each night trying to work it all out in his head. Dean felt confused and angry all the time and it frightened him. He wanted to ask Sam for help but he just didn't know how.

Sam could see a thousand emotions flickering in Dean's pale eyes. Hurt, anger and fury were all there but he could also see flashes of terror and fear and he frowned worried at what he was seeing in his brother's eyes. "Dean?" Sam pleaded.

"I said I'm busy," Dean repeated stiffly as he turned away from Sam. He moved towards his tool box and bent over to pick up a spanner. A stabbing pain in his stomach caused him to groan in pain and he clutched at his belly not able to straighten up as the pain lanced through him. Dean breathed heavily trying to alleviate the pain as he struggled to stand up again.

"Dean," Sam shouted in alarm as he hurried forwards to help his obviously in pain brother.

Dean slapped his hands away. "I'm fine dude," he snarled.

"No you're not," Sam snapped. "You just had a baby for God's sake."

"Oh, you noticed it was me then," Dean snapped back as he finally managed to straighten up. He rubbed absently at his belly. The pain was receding slightly but now he felt sick and dizzy. Dean grit his teeth determined not to show his brother how sick he felt at the moment.

"What?" Sam replied frowning in confusion at Dean's words.

"Nothing," Dean said turning back to the Impala.

"It's not nothing," Sam yelled his temper and frustration at Dean's behaviour finally getting the better of him. "You're obviously in pain. You should be resting.... not fooling about with these damn cars."

"Says who?" Dean asked angrily waving the spanner in the air. "I told you I'm fine." He turned his back on Sam again.

"Don't be a stubborn asshole," Sam shouted to Dean's back.

"You go," Dean said swinging around to face Sam again. "I don't want some damn doctor poking and prodding me. I just want to be left alone," he glared at Sam pointedly.

"Dean," Sam said patiently. "You look like hell. You're not eating properly. And I know you're not sleeping.... we do share the same bed," Sam placed his hands on his hips. "You snap all the time for no reason. And you have ignored your son since the day we got here. Do you even care about him?"

Dean glowered back at Sam. "Of course I care," he defended. He didn't know what was happening to him and he was frightened but he had to try and make Sam understand. "It's just... it's just," Dean tried to get the words out but they wouldn't come and he cursed himself silently for his inability to express himself eloquently. Dean growled in frustration and threw the spanner onto the ground angrily.

Sam scowled completely missing the fact that his brother was trying to tell him something. "Perhaps Stevie and I should just go and leave you to your damn cars," he yelled. "You obviously don't care about either of us so you wouldn't miss us at all." The moment the words were out of his mouth Sam regretted them wishing with all his heart that he could take them back. He saw the defeat and anguish in Dean's expression and Sam knew he had hurt his brother badly with his cruel words. "Dean," Sam moved forwards and reached out towards his brother wanting to hold him and take away the pain he could see reflected in Dean's eyes.

Dean flinched at the movement and stepped back out of reach growling in warning. "Back off Sam," he snarled. "Just damn well back off." He set his jaw and bit back the threatened tears. "You're driving me nuts."

"Dean," Sam pleaded. "Please."

Dean turned away from Sam not able to believe his brother's words. He knew he deserved everything Sam had said and that it was due to his own inability to reach out to his brother but the hurt Dean felt threatened to overwhelm him making him want to strike out at his brother and hurt him back. "Get the hell away from me," he yelled. "Just leave me alone."

Sam bit at his lip trying to decide what to do. He loved Dean so much. Loved their son so much. Sam didn't understand what was happening and it made him angry and frustrated. Anger and love warred in his head for a moment until anger and frustration finally won out. He threw his hands up in the air in defeat. "Oh to hell with you," he snapped turning and stomping towards the house. "Lunch will be in thirty minutes if you can drag your sorry ass away from the oil and grease."

Dean heard Sam leaving and he wanted desperately to turn around and beg him to stay. Beg him to listen and try and understand. But his body wouldn't co-operate and instead he slid slowly down the side of the Impala. Dean drew his legs up and hugged his arms around them resting his head on his knees. "Sammy," he whispered to himself.

Ten minutes later.......

Dean could hear Sam in the kitchen. His brother was banging pots and pans around and Dean frowned slightly. He had dragged himself to his feet and made his way into the house through the back door having seen Bobby heading through the front door. He slipped unseen into their room and moved over to the crib that had been placed in the corner of the room. The teddy bear mobile was hanging over the crib and the gentle breeze from the open windows was gently spinning the device round and round.

Bobby had given them the crib. It was an old fashioned hand carved light-coloured wooden crib that had belonged to his sister. Bobby had spent a day cleaning and polishing it and had proudly presented it to them one evening. They had immediately placed their newborn in to it and Dean had caught the look of pleasure and pride on their friend's face.

Dean steeled himself and looked down at his tiny son. Stephen was awake and seemed to be staring transfixed at the mobile as it span. He was happily gurgling and blowing bubbles while his little legs kicked. "Hey," Dean whispered offering his son a finger. Stephen dragged his gaze away from the mobile and seemed to stare up at him clasping the offered finger with his little hand. Dean smiled to himself. "You got quite a grip there kiddo," he whispered. He pulled his finger from the child's grip and ran it gently down Stephen's face revelling in the feeling of the soft warm skin. The child gurgled happily waving his small arms in the air.

He was perfect and Dean couldn't believe that he and Sam had made something so small, delicate and beautiful. It took his breath away. It was a weird feeling looking down at the tiny child and seeing bits of himself and Sam reflected in their son. Dean only hoped that Stephen wouldn't inherit his hated freckles.

Dean rubbed absently at his belly as he had done so many times when he was pregnant. Somehow his stomach had flattened quickly and he was now back to his pre-pregnancy weight and the opening had thankfully disappeared as quickly and mysteriously as it had appeared. Dean had been relieved having already undergone one embarrassing examination of his nether regions and wasn't in a hurry to repeat the experience.

Dean looked down at his son again. He loved him so much and desperately wanted to hold him properly and cuddle him like he had seen Sam do so many times. Dean didn't know why he had difficulty in picking up and holding his son and his heart ached at the thought of never being able to cuddle his child. He took a deep calming breath and reached down. He was going to hold his son now. Dean's hands hovered nervously over the child but as he went to touch the baby again images flashed through his mind. He could see his worst nightmare and all his inner fears played out in vivid technicolour. Dean squeezed his eyes shut tightly trying to banish the images from this head. But they were strong and there were so many that he couldn't fight them. There was so much blood and he could see his son being born dead, laying between his legs, having never taken a breath or crying. The images continued to flash in his mind and his head pounded in pain. Dean could see his tiny son taking one breath and then dying in his arms. Could see his son bloody from the birth laying so still in Sam's hands. Could see Sam's accusing eyes staring at him blaming him for their child's death. Dean cried out. He opened his eyes and snatched his hand back away from the baby as though he had been burned. Dean staggered back from the crib. "No," he whispered.

Dean stared at the crib in horror. His heart was pounding in his chest, his mouth was dry and he could feel the sweat drenching his whole body. In the midst of his panic and fear his mind told him what to do. He grabbed for his necklace and pulled it over his head. Dean cautiously moved towards the crib his arm outstretched. His whole body was trembling and he closed his eyes frightened to look down at their child in case his nightmare was true. He didn't hear his child happily gurgling as he watched the mobile spin. Dean blindly felt for the side of the crib hanging the necklace over the bottom of the crib. It was his way of trying to protect his son.

Turning away from the crib and his son Dean crept out of the bedroom and slipped out of the house. Once outside he looked left and right not knowing where to go or what to do. Dean wanted to run but he wanted to stay. He wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come. He wanted to shout out loud but he couldn't force the words out. He wanted Sam to help him but he didn't know how to ask him. Dean felt lost and alone. His panic and fear were overwhelming and slowly drowning him and his head was pounding in pain. Dean made a decision. He'd run. Sam and Stephen would be better off without him. Without thinking where he was going or running to Dean ran towards the woods at the back of the salvage yard. He ran as fast as he could trying to escape from his misery.

Dean tripped and stumbled over the undergrowth as he ran but he managed to keep on his feet. He huffed in pain and his breath was coming in harsh uneven pants and gasps. The sound echoed around him seeming to bounce off the trees and hammer loudly in his own ears. But Dean didn't stop. Didn't stop even when it started to rain. Dean ran through the trees small branches whipping cruelly at his face as he pushed himself onwards through the woods. The cool rain soaked him in minutes but Dean ignored it. He didn't care. His feet pounded the ground as he let his fear and misery overpower him. His legs felt like lead but he pushed onwards disregarding the heaviness in his limbs and the nagging pain in his belly.

Dean burst out of the woods and slid down the now slippery bank towards the small stream at the bottom. He hadn't even realised that he had been running towards the stream. The stream where he and Sam had scattered their father's ashes silently watching hand in hand as they floated upstream with the gentle current. Dean let out a strangled cry as he hit the water with a splash and started to sprint along the stream slipping and sliding on the smooth rocks and pebbles hidden under the surface. He made waves as the water splashed around his ankles and knees but Dean pushed forwards until he couldn't run anymore. Dean suddenly stopped as exhaustion overtook him. He looked around him confusion replacing the terror. His legs felt shaky and his body was vibrating with ragged emotion. He panted hard desperately trying to force oxygen into his overworked lungs. Dean slumped down into the stream ignoring the coldness of the water not even noticing as his knees hit a large jagged rock hard. His breathing was becoming easier and Dean coughed shaking his head trying to fight his way back from the darkness that threatened to engulf him.

Dean finally dragged himself out of the river and slumped down in the wet grass staring distractedly into the distance. The rain continued to fall heavily but Dean never felt the stinging of the rain drops as they hit his bare arms. Never noticed his blood soaked jeans where he had cut his knees. Dean was lost in his nightmare letting his misery and pain wash over him.

HEALING

Bobby had watched Dean and Sam argue but had kept out of sight behind a large blue truck. He had tried not to eavesdrop but he cared about both of them and could see that they were both hurting in their own way. Bobby had nearly stepped in when he heard Sam threaten to leave with their son but had resisted the urge knowing that Sam hadn't meant it and was just angry with his brother. Bobby forced himself to remain silent in his hiding place watching and listening.

Bobby hadn't objected to Dean helping him out knowing that it wouldn't do any good but he had been keeping a close eye on the younger man. He could tell that Dean was suffering. He was pale, sickly looking and at times in pain although he would never admit it. The other symptoms Bobby vaguely recognised and it had taken a few days to work out where he had seen them before. It came to him finally in the middle of the night - it had been with his younger sister after the birth of her second child.

Bobby desperately wanted to go and talk to Dean but right now he knew that the intrusion wouldn't be welcomed and Bobby liked his head on his shoulders. He decided that his best bet was talking some sense into Sam. And Bobby knew deep down that the younger Winchester was the only one that could help Dean at the moment. Dean needed him and Bobby just had to make Sam realise that, make him see that Dean was suffering and needed help. Bobby took a final look at Dean before heading back to the house.

Inside the house......

Sam paced up and down the kitchen banging pots and pans on the counters as he set about preparing lunch. Sam was seething in anger and he was sure he could feel his blood boiling in his veins. He banged another pot on the counter but it didn't make him feel any better. He huffed under his breath cursing his stubborn brother.

Sam couldn't understand what was wrong with Dean. He should be enjoying his son not out "playing" with cars and engines. Dean was the most stubborn, frustrating and annoying person he knew fighting him at every turn if he tried to help or look after him. And Sam desperately wanted to help and take care of his brother. He loved him so much and knew he couldn't live without Dean. His life would be empty and meaningless with his brother. Dean was hurting badly and Sam felt completely out of his depth and useless. He banged another pot as he cursed his inability to help his brother. He just didn't know how to help and it frustrated him. Sam was absolutely sure of one thing - Dean loved their child but for some reason Sam couldn't fathom his brother seemed terrified to hold Stephen in his arms.

Dean seemed to be keeping his distance from both of them and it hurt Sam more than he cared to admit. And to make things even worse he wasn't handling it very well himself and was blundering around like a fool hurting Dean with cruel and thoughtless threats and words. Sam cringed inwardly not able to believe that he had actually said that he would take Stephen and leave. Being alone was one of Dean's biggest fears and he had just gone and threatened it and Sam hated himself for it.

Sam slumped down at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands. He felt like sobbing. He desperately wanted to take care of Dean in the way his brother had always taken care of him all his life. The man he was today was down to Dean and Dean alone. Dean's childhood had been stolen by the hunt and their father's obsessive lust for revenge. His brother had taken over the parent role from their absent father and tried his best to give Sam the childhood that Dean could only dream about. He had gone without so that Sam could have and never once complained. Even before they had become lovers, Sam had known that Dean loved him, loved him unconditionally never asking for anything in return. Sam shook his head letting the despair wash over him.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Bobby sat down next to Sam nudging his shoulder gently.

Sam looked up in surprise at their friend. He hadn't heard Bobby come into the room. "No.... Yes.... I don't know," Sam stammered.

Bobby chuckled. "Which one is it?" he asked. "Give this old man a break."

"You're not that old," Sam teased with a small smile.

"Funny," Bobby replied. "When I got up this morning my old bones told me that I'm at least a hundred." Sam snorted softly staring down on the wooden swirls on the kitchen table lost in thought. "It'll help if you lighten the load," Bobby nudged Sam's shoulder again in encouragement.

"I want us to be a family," Sam said softly. Me. Dean. Stevie. And you."

"Me?" Bobby said surprised. He couldn't believe that the boys thought of him as family and it made him feel wanted and needed, something he hadn't felt for a very long time.

"Of course," Sam said ignoring the surprise in his friend's voice. "Why not? So we'd be kinda strange one. But... well strange and weird we can do," Sam pulled a face. "But Dean....," he stopped mid-sentence suddenly lost for words.

"But Dean what?" Bobby interrupted. He thought he already knew the answer but he wanted to get Sam to open up to him.

"I don't know what to do," Sam admitted quietly. "I wanna help Dean but the stupid stubborn ass won't let me."

"Make him," Bobby answered with a roll of his eyes.

Sam rolled his own eyes. "I wish it were that simple Bobby," he said.

Bobby shrugged. "Do you love Dean?" he asked.

"Yes," Sam answered loudly and without thinking. "Of course I do."

"Then ..... it's that simple," Bobby shrugged again.

"But you know how Dean is," Sam protested with an angry pout. "And at... at the moment he's all the place. I don't.... don't think I even know him at the moment dude."

"Mmmmm," Bobby nodded.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam couldn't help snapping.

"Sam," Bobby sighed.

"I don't know what to do," Sam leapt to his feet and started to pace up and down the kitchen. "I know I've been kinda stupid recently...... I shoulda never dragged Dean here so soon after he gave.... gave birth but... but I was desperate," he waved his hands in the air. "I didn't know what else to do. And.... and I knew you'd help us."

Bobby smiled to himself pleased with the compliment. "I know," Bobby said calmly. "But you have to stop feeling guilty and beating yourself up and do something. Before you lose everything that's important to you."

Sam scowled but slumped back down next to the older man. "I love him so much Bobby," Sam murmured. "I just want him..... and I just want us to be a family."

"I think that's what Dean wants too," Bobby said gently. "But I think just now he's frightened and confused ....."

"Frightened? Confused?" Sam interrupted with a frown. "I don't.... don't understand," he frowned again.

Bobby sighed again. "Sam," he said. "For someone so smart you can be so dumb." Sam scowled at Bobby again. "Baby blues," Bobby declared.

"Baby blues?" Sam screwed his face up in thought. Confusion and guilt were bouncing around in his head making him feel dizzy and he had a hard time concentrating. Sam had vaguely heard of baby blues but was finding it difficult to work out what Bobby meant and what it had to do with Dean.

Bobby could see in Sam's eyes the war that seemed to be going on in the younger man's head and he was obviously struggling to understand his meaning. His brow was furrowed in concentration as he desperately tried to work it all out in his head.

Bobby decided to take pity on Sam. "A lot of first time parents suffer from it. And it freaks them out for a little while," he explained. "My little sister had it with her second kid. She couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. Was snappy and irritable with everyone and... and well she had trouble bonding with her baby. Took her ages to finally cuddle the baby. Sound familiar?" Bobby asked cocking his head to one side.

Bobby saw the realisation dawn in Sam's eyes and he put one hand on the younger man's arm in support. "Oh my God," Sam breathed mentally kicking himself for ignoring the warning signs. "Is it like post-natal depression?" Sam asked in horror.

"Not as bad," Bobby quickly soothed. "I called Ethan to make sure. He said he wouldn't be surprised if Dean was suffering some sort of blues. But he did say it was unusual to have lasted so long," Bobby explained. "But then again he said anything was possible... what with Dean's body healing so quick."

"And it's normal?" Sam said and Bobby couldn't help noticing the hope in the tone.

"Yeah," Bobby assured. "Hormones can be a bitch. And I guess hormones and Dean is like... well like nitro-glycerine," he laughed softly. " You have to handle it real careful. Or it blows up in your face."

"How did I miss it? Why didn't I see it?" Sam's guilt was bubbling up inside him again. He had handled everything completely wrong and Dean was suffering because of him.

"Don't beat yourself up kid," Bobby could see the emotions and guilt flashing in Sam's eyes. "Dude you're a first time parent too."

"But I should have seen it," Sam persisted. "And the stupid idiot shoulda told me how he was feeling."

Bobby didn't know whether to tell Sam or not and he coughed nervously. "I think he tried to tell you earlier but you were kinda mad at him at the time," Bobby tried to keep the harshness out of his voice wanting to help not accuse or blame.

Sam screwed up his eyes and thought back to his earlier conversation with Dean and this time he saw his brother stumbling over his words. Dean had been trying to tell Sam something and he had just ignored it because he was angry. It was official. Sam hated himself. He sighed heavily and dropped his head to the table. He banged it several times on the hard wooden surface. "Shoot me now," he murmured as he banged his head on the table a final time.

"Give the table.... and yourself a break," Bobby chuckled patting Sam gently on the back. "But," Bobby said suddenly serious. "I kinda have this feeling that with Dean there's something else...something that's tearing him up inside," Bobby sighed with frustration. "But I'm not sure what."

"What do you think I should do?" Sam asked. He felt at a complete loss at what to do and he had no confidence in himself at all any more. He had messed up big time and Sam was terrified that he would lose Dean forever.

"Sam," Bobby stroked a hand down his back. "You are the only one that can help Dean. Talk to him. And this time listen to what he has to say."

"Do you think he'll let me?" Sam asked his voice wavering with emotion.

Bobby nodded. "Dean needs you right now...... more than he has ever needed you. And you have to be strong for him. Help him. Like he has always been strong and helped you."

"It's my turn," Sam whispered.

"Yeah," Bobby nodded. "It's your turn."

"I'll go now," Sam got to his feet as fresh determination surged through his body.

Bobby put a calming hand on Sam's arm. "Why don't I go," he offered. "I'll herd him this way.... hopefully without getting my head separated from my shoulders."

Sam bit at his lips. "OK," he agreed.

Five minutes later......

Sam had been pacing the room working out in his head what he was going to say to Dean. He had decided to start with I love you and go from there. Sam looked up as Bobby hurried back into the room frowning. "Did he come in here?" his friend asked.

"No," Sam said suddenly panicked.

"He's not outside," Bobby said with another frown. "I looked all over."

"Perhaps he took my advice about laying down," Sam turned and headed towards their bedroom Bobby at his heels.

Sam burst into the bedroom. Dean wasn't on the bed. He quickly checked the bathroom. Dean was missing. Sam's heart thudded in his chest his worry for Dean turning up a notch. Sam looked around the room again and his eyes settled on the crib. Something metallic sparkled as the light from the window fell on it. In two long strides, Sam was across the room and snatching Dean's necklace from the end of the crib. He turned panicked eyes towards Bobby. "He's gone," Sam cried as he wrapped the cord of the necklace around his hand closing his fingers tightly around the charm.

"Calm down," Bobby soothed as he moved towards the younger man. "Perhaps he's just gone out for a bit. You know to calm down."

"No," Sam shook his head. Tears sprung to his eyes and he swiped at them angrily. "He left this for his son. To protect him," he turned and lifted Stephen into his arms. Stephen immediately sensed his worry and started to whimper kicking his little legs in angry protest. "Ssshhhh," Sam rocked his son trying to calm the child. "Bobby," Sam whispered. "What am I gonna do without him? I can't do this alone."

"You're not alone yet," Bobby assured. "You know Dean better than anyone where would he go? Come on Sam. Think and think hard," he encouraged.

Sam pushed down his panic at the thought that Dean had left them. He screwed up his face in thought. "I don't know," Sam cried hysterically. The child responded to the rising hysteria vibrating through Sam's body and started to scream loudly in protest. Tears ran down his small reddened face as he cried wriggling in distress in Sam's arms. Sam tightened his hold rocking the wailing child from side to side. Stephen's screams seemed to get louder as Sam's panic gripped him. Unchecked tears ran down Sam's face as he thought about Dean alone and hurting.

"Sam," Bobby raised his voice over the screaming. "Calm down. We'll find Dean. Don't you worry." He put his hand on Sam's arm. "But you need to calm down. Now," he nodded his head at the howling child.

Sam stared at Bobby for a moment trying to draw strength from the older man. Bobby held his gaze smiling slightly in encouragement. Sam gave a small nod and swiped at his tears again. He started to walk up and down the room in an effort to soothe the child and himself. Sam forced himself to calm down pushing all his fears and worries about Dean firmly to the back of his mind for a moment. Stephen reacted to Sam's calmer body movements and his loud screaming started to wane slightly before stopping. The baby hiccupped and gave a few more protesting whimpers before opening his tiny mouth in a huge yawn. He snuffled sleepily and wriggled before closing his eyes. Sam stared out of the French window/doors across the back of Bobby's salvage yard.

"He wouldn't leave you," Bobby soothed. "He loves you both too much. He's just hurting at the moment."

"Bobby," Sam turned to his friend. "One of your back gates is open."

"What?" Bobby joined Sam at the window. "I never open them. No need."

"Where does it go?" Sam said as he rocked his now sleeping child in his arms.

Bobby shrugged. "Just some woods, a small stream and ... well more woods," he answered. "And beyond that the road into town."

"Dean's out there somewhere," Sam nodded towards the woods. "I think you're right. He's close."

"You sure?" Bobby said doubtfully.

"I know it," Sam said unhesitatingly. "And I'm gonna find him and drag his sorry ass back here," he said determined as he moved towards the window.

"You forgetting something," Bobby indicated the small child still cradled in Sam's arms.

Sam looked down at his son. He felt stupid but he had felt so comfortable he had completely ignored the fact that Stephen was still cradled in his arms. "Oh," he blushed bright red as he looked towards his friend.

Bobby chuckled at Sam's embarrassment. "Hand over the little guy," he said making 'hand over' gestures with his fingers. "I'll take care of him. You go look for that brother of yours."

"Thanks," Sam passed Stephen over knowing that their son was in safe hands. The child mumbled in his sleep but snuggled into Bobby's safe arms. Sam leaned down and kissed his son's head. "Don't worry Stevie. I'll find daddy and bring him home," he said as he stroked his finger down the baby's tiny face.

"You do that," Bobby said. "And don't let him try his usual tricks and push you away."

"I won't," Sam promised.

"And tell him you love him," Bobby reminded.

"I will," Sam promised with a smile as he turned to leave.

"Hell. Tell him we all love him," Bobby added. "And miss his ugly face."

"I promise," Sam replied turning back to his friend.

"And remember it's your turn to be strong," Bobby instructed. "No getting mad at Dean. Well not until you get him safely home."

"I remember," Sam answered. "And I promise I won't get mad."

"Well what are you waiting for?" Bobby asked impatiently. "Dean's out there waiting for you."

Sam rolled his eyes in exasperation putting his hands on his hips. "For you old man," Sam said. "To shut up and let me go."

"Oh," Bobby blushed and looked down at the small child in his arms.

Sam cocked his head to one side. "Anything else?" he teased despite his burning need to find Dean and bring him home.

"No. You can go now," Bobby chuckled and blushed again. "Go on. Get," he waved a hand in the direction of the back gates.

Bobby watched from the window as Sam jogged in and out of the car wrecks to the open back gate and disappeared into the woods. He stared down at the small child now wide awake in his arms. "Baby boy I sure hope you don't inherit that stubborn Winchester streak," Bobby whispered although he knew it was vain hope. The child in his arms was going to be raised by two of the stubbornest men he had ever met. But he also knew that the small child would be loved and cherished by two of the most loving and caring men he had ever met. "You're one lucky little man," Bobby smiled to himself as he turned away from the window and headed towards the living room. "Let's me and you get better acquainted," Bobby murmured. "We need a plan to gang up on your daddies when you're bigger. So Uncle Bobby is gonna tell you some stories about your daddies when they were little kids."

Fifteen minutes later...........

The rain that had been falling heavily for over half an hour had now stopped and Sam had been following what he hoped was Dean's trail for ten minutes. The ground had been trampled recently and Sam noted that some of the smaller branches of the trees had been bent back. Sam was sure that someone running had come this way and he hoped with all his heart that it had been Dean. Sam had called out for this brother not really expecting an answer. He made his way out of the wood and carefully down the slippery bank towards the stream. Sam stopped at the stream and looked up and down wondering which way his brother had gone. There were no foot prints to follow. Sam bit at his lip nervously. He was desperate to find Dean and didn't want to waste time going in the wrong direction. He chose upstream. He didn't really know why - he just had a strong feeling that Dean had gone that way. Five minutes later Sam saw his brother sitting alone on the opposite side of the stream.

"Thank God," Sam breathed in relief as he hurriedly waded across the stream ignoring the coldness of the water around his ankles and legs. The relief quickly turned to dread as he studied his brother. He could see that Dean was shaking slightly and staring sightlessly ahead seemingly lost in his own world. He was rocking his body backwards and forwards and didn't even notice that Sam was at his side.

Sam could feel his panic rising but pushed it firmly down. This was no time to descend into his own panic and let his feelings get the better of him. Dean needed him. Needed him to be strong for him. Sam slumped down next to his brother but not touching him. "Hey," he croaked as his voice nearly let him down. Sam took a deep breath to calm himself. "Hey," he repeated this time more loudly.

He was just about to repeat himself again when Dean turned towards him. Sam nearly gasped at the stricken and tortured look in his brother's eyes. Now he was closer Sam quickly looked his brother up and down horror filling him at the sight before him. Dean's face was pale with small angry red scratches across both cheeks. His face was still smeared with oil and grease stains from working on the cars. Some of the smudges had dissolved in the wetness streaking lines of black down Dean's face mixing with the blood reminding Sam, for some unknown reason, of streaked non-waterproof mascara. Dean was soaking wet and Sam noticed that the knees of his jeans were blood stained.

"Sammy," Dean frowned and Sam could see the confusion on his brother's face almost as though he hadn't expected his brother to come after him.

"It's Sam," he decided to go for the normality of their usual banter hoping that he could reach Dean that way and rescue him from the despair he could see in his brother's eyes.

"Go away," Dean snapped angrily.

"No," Sam said stubbornly as he shifted closer to Dean. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here with you."

"Stubborn ass," Dean muttered to himself. He hugged his arms tighter around his legs and closed his eyes. He didn't want to look at Sam at the moment. His emotions were raw and near the surface and Dean was terrified that if he looked at Sam they would all come tumbling out and he wasn't sure he'd be able to stop once he'd started.

"Damn straight," Sam said with a small chuckle. They sat in silence for a few moments. Sam fidgeted on the damp grass not able to bear the silence any longer.   "What did you do to your knees?" he asked.

Dean stared down at his blood soaked jeans as if it was the first time he had noticed them. He shrugged. "Don't know," he answered. Dean frowned slightly as he tried to remember where and when he had hurt them. Now he was aware of them the cuts and grazes began to sting and Dean winced in pain as he prodded each knee in turn with a finger.

Sam decided to try a different tactic. "Dean," he pleaded. "Tell me what's wrong. Let me help. I'm listening this time. Please."

Dean stopped poking his knees and took a deep breath steeling himself to look at his brother. He glanced sideways. "You don't care," Dean whispered. "I'm invisible to you now."

"What?" Sam asked. "I don't understand." He furrowed his brow trying to work out what Dean meant.

"You heard," Dean snarled. I feel..... feel like I'm invisible. All you want is Stevie," Dean accused bitterly. He knew it sounded stupid and selfish but he felt so alone and miserable. But it was his own fault. He had pushed Sam away, ignored his baby and now they both hated him. He deserved to be alone and miserable.

"Oh Dean," Sam bit back the tears that were threatening. He hadn't known what to expect but he had never expected his brother to be jealous of their baby. "You stupid idiot. How could you think that. We made him with our love. You and me. And I'm just enjoying him. Like I want you too... like I want us both to enjoy him. Together."

Dean stared deep into Sam's eyes trying to work out in his jumbled and chaotic brain whether his brother was lying to him. Sam held his gaze not flinching as Dean searched his face for a hint of an untruth. But Dean saw only truth and love reflected in Sam's eyes and expression. He felt so confused and bewildered and for the first time in his life he didn't know what to do. He looked away from Sam trying to gather his muddled thoughts together as he bit at his lips. "I don't know what to do," he turned bleak eyes back towards Sam. "I feel... I feel... hell I don't know what I feel," Dean finally managed to force out.

"I know," Sam soothed. "I know. But I'm told its normal for you to feel like this. It's called the baby blues and a lot of parents suffer from it after giving birth. And it's OK to feel like you do. I promise it'll go away when your hormones settle down."

Dean pulled a face not daring to hope that what he had been feeling recently was normal and would disappear. "Really," his voice betrayed the hope he was starting to feel inside. He just wanted to feel like Dean Winchester again instead of the confused mess of a man that he had been feeling recently. "Who told you that?" Dean asked curious but he could feel the hope building up inside despite his suspicious nature that nothing was ever that easy.

"Our resident baby care expert," Sam answered with a small smile. "Uncle Bobby."

"Our own Mr Spock," Dean said with a ghost of a smile.

"Dude I think you mean Dr Spock," Sam corrected. "Mr Spock has pointy ears and is an expert on all things alien ..... not babies."

"But I took it away from you," Dean frowned as his mind swirled his scrambled thoughts around and around making him feel dizzy.

"Took what away from me?" Sam probed gently trying desperately to keep up with Dean's erratic thinking.

"You know....," Dean shrugged slightly turning away from Sam again. "The whole.... pregnancy thingy."

"Dean," Sam said. "Look at me," he reached over and carefully turned Dean's face back towards him. "You gave me a beautiful gift. A beautiful son. And I was there for the two most important bits," he gave a soft chuckle. "His conception which I know we both enjoyed ......and his birth. Yes I would have liked to share your pregnancy with you. Been part of it and I do feel like I missed out on that," Sam held Dean's head firmly as his brother tried to pull away a look of guilt crossing his face. "But that's not important. What is important is that I love you. Very much. And I love Stevie and want us to be a family. Just you, me and Stevie."

"And Bobby," Dean muttered.

"Yes and that old reprobate," Sam gave a small laugh. "I think we're kinda stuck with him. Lucky for us."

"Sorry," Dean murmured pulling out of Sam's hold. He wrapped his arms around his drawn up knees again and stared out over the stream and the woods beyond trying to shut the pain and misery out. He was desperately clinging to the hope he had started to feel but at the mention of the birth Dean's mind had locked him into his own private nightmare again and this time he couldn't blame his hormones. The blood. Their dead son. Sam's accusing eyes. The hate. Dean shuddered.

"For what?" Sam asked as calmly as he could noticing that his brother was trembling badly. Dean remained silent locked in his own world. "I just said that you have nothing to be sorry about," Sam raised his voice as he pushed down the worry he felt deep within him. He had to remain calm and in control. Sam reached out and touched Dean on the arm. "Dean."

Dean flinched at the touched and seemed to withdraw further into himself. "Don't," he muttered. "I don't deserve to be touched. To be.... be loved."

"Why not?" Sam asked confused.

"I.... I nearly kill.... killed our son," Dean finally managed to choke out. He loved his son so much but every time he looked at the small child all he could see was a lifeless bloody body in his hands. It terrified him and he couldn't bear the thought of Sam hating him for killing their son.

"What?" Sam said surprised and shocked at his brother's words.

"Every time..... time I go to sleep I see him lying dead," Dean choked out. "And when I go to hold .... him it's ... it's just the same. He's dead... and I killed him and you... you hate me," Dean stuttered.

"Is that why you have never cuddled Stevie?" Sam asked gently suddenly understanding everything that his brother had been going through over the past two weeks. He hated himself for not noticing that the love of his life was hurting so badly but a new determination surged through Sam's body. He was going to help Dean and he was going to make Dean let him. As Bobby said it was his turn.

Dean nodded. "I wanna hold him. I wanna hold him so bad.... but I can't and it's killing me," Dean admitted.

"Oh Dean," Sam bit at his lip. "It wasn't your fault. It was... was just one those things," Sam assured. "And I am sure it happens all the time. And Stevie has inherited the Winchester stubborn streak and your... your love for life."

"If it wasn't for you," Dean choked out. "If you hadn't found me and then come back. He'd be dead. And all because I'm stupid. And stubborn."

"You're not stupid Dean... stubborn yes.... but not stupid," Sam said nearly laughing at the scowl Dean directed at him. "And Stevie's fine. He's happy, healthy and alive," Sam continued to try and convince. "And he needs his daddy. He needs you. And so do I. We love you."

"I'm scared of loving him," Dean forced out his final admission. He waited for the sound of Sam leaving him. The sound of Sam hating and being disgusted with him. Dean steeled his heart against the pain.

"Don't be scared Dean," Sam whispered as he put his hand over one of Dean's hands. Sam was still here. Dean stared sideways at his brother remembering when his father had said the same words to him. Dean could feel the tears welling up in his eyes and he bit at his lip.

It's gonna be OK," Sam soothed as he watched Dean closely. Watched as his brother struggled with his inner turmoil and demons. Watched as he fought his fear and terror at losing their son. He knew deep inside him that Dean wanted to reach out but didn't know how. Sam cursed his father for encouraging Dean to be so closed off with his emotions telling him that it would make him a better hunter. Bobby's words echoed in his head and Sam acted on instinct. He leaned forwards and pulled Dean towards him. "Lean on me," he whispered in his brother's ear. Dean tried to resist but Sam was determined. "You're freezing," Sam admonished as he pulled his brother closer to his body ignoring the dampness of his brother's clothes wrapping Dean in his arms.

Dean couldn't believe that Sam loved him after what he had nearly done. But he could see and hear nothing but love and trust in Sam's eyes and his words. His heavy heart felt lighter than it had since the birth and he could feel his unhappiness and loneliness receding slightly. Dean could feel the warmth of his brother's body as Sam pulled him even closer. So familiar. So loving. It made him feel safe and secure. "I love you so much Sammy," Dean murmured as he gave up his struggle and nestled closer to his brother. Dean could hear Sam murmuring to him and he could feel the tears stinging at his eyes again. This time he didn't bite or force them back. Sam was here. Sam loved him. Dean knew he needed to face his fears or let them destroy him completely. Dean gave out a strangled cry before letting the tears come, letting them flow freely down his face as he began to sob away the pain and misery.

"It's gonna be OK," Sam murmured as he stroked a hand gently through Dean's hair. "Just let go," he encouraged. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Sam felt Dean's body shudder once then again as his brother began to let out all his suffering and grief. Sam tightened his hold on Dean as his brother's body was wracked with loud and heart-wrenching sobs. Sam blew out a long sigh of relief knowing that the healing process had begun. Dean was coming back from the darkness to the people that loved him. Sam continued to caress his hands through Dean's hair and down his back as his brother clung to him and cried in his arms.

Eventually the crying died down and Dean reluctantly pulled back from the embrace. He gave Sam a small smile which his brother returned. Dean's face was grease, blood and tear stained and his eyes were red and puffy but he was still beautiful to Sam. He reached out and gently rubbed at some of the oil stains with a finger. He caressed his hand up and down Dean's face. "It's gonna be OK," Sam soothed.

Dean nodded believing Sam. "I wanna hold our son," he whispered with a sniff. "I need to hold our son."

"I know," Sammy whispered

"You'll help?" Dean asked nervously.

"You try and stop me," Sam gave a small smile. "Stevie's at home and he's waiting for you. For us. OK?"

"Yeah," Dean nodded again. He swiped at his face. "Guess I look a mess?"

Sam snorted lightly. "I've seen you look better dude," he teased lightly. "Let's get you home," Sam jumped to his feet and held out his hand towards Dean. "Make you pretty again," he teased again.

"Sammy," Dean protested as he let himself be hauled to his feet.

An hour later.......

Sam turned to look at Dean. His brother was sitting on the bed crossed legged fiddling with the comforter nervously. After Sam had got Dean home assured Bobby that they were both fine, he had persuaded Dean out of his wet clothes and into the shower.

They had showered together. Dean clung to Sam as though he was frightened he would leave. Sam murmured soothing words as he gently wiped a soapy cloth over Dean's body eliciting the occasional pleased murmur from his brother. They had kissed, gentle loving kisses, as they re-affirmed their connection and love for each other. Dean had then allowed himself to be towelled down by Sam and had even sat on the edge of the bath tub without complaint and let Sam tend to and bandage his cut knees as well as the scratches on his face. Sam couldn't resist it and had kissed each of Dean's knees just as his brother had for him when he was a small child. Dean had teased him and they had ended up kissing and just holding each other.

Dean was now dressed in warm sweats, t-shirt and light sweater and a pair of Sam's thick socks to keep his feet warm. Dean looked so vulnerable, lost and tense as he wrapped the comforter round and round one of his fingers nervously. Sam moved over to the bed. "I only ironed that yesterday," he teased lightly as he put his hand over Dean's stilling the anxious twisting motion.

"You are such a girl," Dean whispered not looking up. Instead he let go of the comforter and grabbed hold of Sam's hand trying to draw courage from his brother.

"How do you feel?" Sam asked as he studied his brother. Dean still looked pale but there was a light in his eyes that hadn't been there since the birth. "And don't lie," he warned before Dean could open his mouth and say fine as was his usual habit.

Dean thought for a moment. "Sore," he admitted rubbing at one of his knees. "And kinda.... you know wrung out."

Sam nodded and rewarded Dean's honesty with a chaste kiss. "What about the pains in your belly?" Sam reached out his free hand and rubbed gently against Dean's stomach.

"They come and go," Dean admitted. "But there not as bad as just after the birth."

"I called Ethan again and he's coming out tomorrow," Sam put his hand up to stop Dean's objections. "He says the pain is a normal part of the healing process but I want him to check you out just in case. OK?"

Dean bit at his lip. "But I'm OK now," he protested.

"Dean," Sam said exasperated.

Dean let out a dramatic sigh. "OK. He can come but you have to stay with me when he's here. I don't wanna see... see him on my own."

"Not letting you outta my sight dude," Sam smiled happy that Dean had agreed to his plan. He decided to push his luck a bit. "And for the record I'm confining you to this bed for a couple of days. OK?"

"Sammy," Dean protested. "I don't need to stay in bed. I'm not sick," he pouted stubbornly.

"Dean," Sam sighed. "Let me take care of you for a change. Let me spoil you. Look after you," he persisted as he aimed his puppy dogs eyes at Dean. "Please. For me."

"I hate when you do that," Dean sighed in defeat. "OK I'll stay in bed for two days tops. Deal?"

"Deal," Sam grinned.

Dean glanced sideways towards the crib then back to Sam. He gripped Sam's hand tightly. "Is Stevie awake?" he asked.

"Yeah," Sam replied. "Uncle Bobby fed, changed and put him in his teddy bear pajamas. He's even had his nap so he's wide awake at the moment."

Dean glanced sideways again. "I think Uncle Bobby's in love with our kid," he said. His voice wavered and he cursed himself for showing his distress at the thought of their child.

Sam snorted. "I think he's getting soft in his old age," he joked trying to ease Dean's anxiety. He tightened his grip of Dean's hand. "You sure you wanna do this?" Sam asked gently. "You don't have to do it right now."

Dean stared up at Sam. He could see the love and concern reflected in his brother's eyes. He had been so stupid recently knowing now that he should have asked for help. Sam would always help him - he knew that now. And Sam would help him now. It made him feel confident. Dean gave a small nod. "I have to do this now," he said quietly. "I want to do this now."

"OK," Sam nodded. "But first you need this back," he grabbed the necklace from the bedside table and placed it over Dean's head. "You wearing this will protect us all," he whispered as he caressed his hand down his brother's face. Dean looked down at the charm around his neck and then up at Sam and smiled. He turned his head kissing each finger on Sam's hand.

Sam smiled back at Dean as he stood up and moved over to the crib. He gently lifted Stephen into his arms. He could feel Dean's eyes on him, feel his nervousness and he approached the bed slowly. Dean's body was vibrating with emotion and nervousness and Sam could see small tremors coursing through his brother's body. Stephen was gurgling and blowing bubbles blissfully unaware of how important the moment was to one of his fathers.

Sam carefully climbed onto the bed opposite Dean and crossed his own legs. The bed bounced slightly as he made himself comfortable and he wriggled forwards until his own knees touched Dean's gently. Sam switched Stephen to one arm and put the free hand gently on Dean's leg rubbing softly. "You OK?" he asked.

Dean stared at Sam and Stephen for a moment. His son was a few inches away from him and his whole body ached with the need to hold his son in his own arms. But he couldn't help feeling a bit frightened, what if Stephen hated him or cried or both. Dean could feel his panic rising again and he locked eyes with his brother. Sam held his gaze steadily and smiled. "I love you," he mouthed. Dean bit at his lip and gave a slight nod.

Sam nodded back. He carefully lay their son across Dean's crossed legs. Dean tensed slightly as the baby's weight settled across his thighs. He remembered that Sam had laid their son across his legs after the birth because he hadn't been able to get his arms to work. He closed his eyes against the images that the birth conjured up for him. Stephen didn't notice the movement and continued to gurgle and blow bubbles his little arms and legs waving in the air. Sam continued to caress Dean's leg maintaining the contact that he knew his brother needed.

Dean steeled himself, opened his eyes and looked down at his tiny son. There was no blood or death staring back at him. Dean blinked and looked down again to make sure. His son lay across his thighs wriggling and squirming as he blew bubbles. So small. So vulnerable. So trusting. But warm and alive. "He's so little," Dean breathed as he looked up at Sam.

Sam smiled and repeated the words he had said when Stephen had been born. "He'll grow." He had been holding his breath the whole time and exhaled relieved that so far Dean seemed to be coping with the situation.

"He's so beautiful," Dean said in awe as he reached out a hesitant finger and touched his small son.

"Just like his daddy," Sam whispered.

"You are such a girl Sammy," Dean teased.

"I think he wants a cuddle from his daddy," Sam gently encouraged hoping with all his heart that he wasn't pushing Dean too much or too soon. He still seemed so fragile and vulnerable.

Dean bit at his lip again. His heart was filled with trepidation and he closed his eyes for a moment trying to get control of his ragged emotions. He could feel his panic and nervousness receding and it encouraged him slightly. Dean could feel Sam close to him, feel his hand on his leg anchoring him and giving him strength. He could also feel his son's little legs kicking at his thighs. His family. He loved them so much wanting to be close and look after and protect them. Dean opened his eyes and looked down at their son. Still no blood or death. He looked up at his brother. Sam smiled at Dean.

Dean took a deep calming breath. He was going to hold their son. Now. Dean carefully reached down and put his hands under Stephen. He could feel the life flowing through their child and the warmth of the tiny body in his hands and it gave him courage. Dean lifted the baby up into his arms and cuddled his son properly for the first time. Stephen felt warm and vital in his arms and he smelled of talcum powder, new pajamas and teddy bears. Dean felt a burst of love overwhelm him as he looked down at the child he and Sam had made together with their love for one another. He studied every inch of the small body marvelling at the tiny miracle that was their son. Dean tickled Stephen's feet which made the baby gurgle happily and wave his hands in the air.

Sam had wanted to cheer with happiness when Dean had finally cradled his son in his arms. But he had resisted the urge remaining silent as he watched Dean take in every detail of their small son. Sam knew that they still had a long way to go but Dean had taken another big step towards healing.

"Do you think he'll get my freckles?" Dean asked with a small frown.

Sam scooted closer to his small family not able to resist touching his son's tiny face. He offered Stephen his finger and the baby clutched at it. "Oh I hope so," Sam whispered. "Because they are so sexy." He leaned forward and gave Dean a soft loving kiss.