Chapter Text
Even was angry. Isak could always tell when he was angry. In this particular instance, Even was unusually silent, looking out the window, hands slightly clenched into a fist. His brows weren’t exactly furrowed, but Isak still knew Even was angry. And he couldn’t blame him really. It was Saturday evening, and they were in a half-empty bus on their way back home from a day trip gone wrong. Isak had no one else to blame but himself, except maybe Emma whose arm was wrapped tightly around his as she sat to his right. Isak was facing Even, tightness in his chest. And Even was not looking at him.
---
October 8th
The first time Even took Isak to watch a movie was right after one of his mother’s breakdowns. Isak couldn’t handle it. Nothing she said made sense to him, and when he felt hot tears gathering around his eyes, he gave up altogether and went for a mindless walk around the neighborhood. “Like hell if she’s gonna see me cry,” he thought to himself. So when he received a text from Even asking what he was up to, he immediately replied with “whatever you have in mind”.
At this point, he had only spoken to Even about a handful of times at parties when he was far too drunk and high to stop himself from rapping in public and at random school gatherings. He couldn’t remember when he gave Even his phone number, but they were meme buddies now, texting back and forth during odd hours of the night. Even kept saying that they should actually hang out sometime, and Isak quietly thought “yes, for some reason, I feel good around you. I feel like I’ve always known you”.
If Even noticed Isak’s red eyes when he got to the movie theater, he chose not to comment on it. “Come on. They’re showing one of my favorite movies at this theater. You have to see it”. It was the only thing he said as he walked backwards, hands in the pockets of his denim jacket.
“Romeo and Juliet? Really?” Isak rolled his eyes, but then spent the following two hours aggressively wiping his tears in the sleeves of his hoodie. Even still noticed the redness in his eyes. Even always noticed.
“You’re so cute.” He told him once they had stepped out of the theater with a huge smile on his face as he handed him his own sunglasses.
“I’m not cute.” Isak protested while silently accepting Even’s shades even though the sun was about to set. “But god. That was so fucking depressing. I’m never watching a movie with you again.”
That was a lie. And if the word ‘cute’ was still playing in Isak’s mind, Even didn’t need to know.
Seeing old movies at the little hipster theater thirty minutes away from his house by bus soon became their thing. A thing that Even made into a habit that only increased in frequency in the three months spanning their unconventional friendship. “It’s for your education,” he would say. And Isak had stopped protesting about two weeks after ‘Romeo+Juliet’.
---
Even was angry and Emma was tugging at Isak’s sleeve demanding attention. He wanted to say something, anything, to ease the tension but nothing made it past his thoughts. Even had never been angry at him before, not even when he spoke recklessly about his mother’s mental health, or when he threw up on the older boy’s bed that one night he got too drunk and couldn’t make it home. Even always looked at him with nothing but fondness, even when he called him out or lectured him on harmful generalizations. He had seen angry Even before, but it was never directed at him. Never at Isak.
Emma started talking about something, the movie they had just seen probably. But Isak couldn’t focus on her words. He was waiting for Even to look at him.
The older boy kept looking outside the window, his tall legs brushing against Isak’s. But then Emma said something about Elise being a “massive bitch”, and Even’s eyes landed on her almost instantly. Isak tensed and removed her arm from around his. Elise was a character in the movie they had just watched. And she was bipolar.
Isak’s eyes widened as he braced for the worst. But Even just looked at her and asked: “Why is she such a massive bitch, Emma?”.
----
November 25th
The first time Isak realized that people thought he was dating Even was on a Friday night in Eva’s house when a drunk girl interrupted whatever the third year was telling Isak that made him cry from laughter.
“Are you guys dating?”
Isak turned around in panic and was met with a pair of big hazel eyes. He had seen her around. She was a first year, short hair, cute as a button.
“Depends on who’s asking.” Even answered with a cheeky smile as he moved closer to Isak, throwing his arm around his shoulders.
“I’m sorry. I’m so drunk.” She admitted before looking up at Isak. “I just think you’re so cute, but everyone’s telling me you’re dating the tall third year who just transferred to Nissen. So I don’t know what to do.” She was rambling and it was kind of endearing.
“See, I told you you’re cute.” Even teased raising his eyebrows. Isak elbowed him and Even flashed his trademark smile. It took Isak some time to turn his attention back to the drunk first year.
“No, we’re not dating.” He responded with a polite smile. “See, this gigantic dork has a very pretty girlfriend. Her name is Sonja and I’m very fond of her. The reason we’re always together is because he’s secretly holding me hostage.” Isak then took her hand in his and lowered his head to meet her eyes. “Please help me.” He whispered.
Even burst out laughing. “As if! Don’t listen to this loser. The truth is our parents know each other and his father made him look after me when I transferred here because I didn’t know anyone.”
“So like, you’re childhood friends?”
“No, we literally talked for the first time two months ago. I figured I’d keep him around for the occasional threesome with my girlfriend.” Even said very matter-of-factly and Isak laughed so hard, his sides were hurting.
“Funny. Haha.” The girl spoke again. “But then why are you always together? You’re a third year and Isak is a second year. It’s weird.”
“What’s so weird about two people enjoying each other’s company? Is there a law somewhere that dictates that?” Even asked and the girl squirmed.
“Hey. Leave her alone.” Isak finally spoke. “Not everyone understands your obsession with me, Even.”
The taller boy was about to respond when the first year spoke again.
“This is great. It’s like you’re flirting. That’s why everybody thinks you’re boyfriends. Haha. My name is Emma by the way. Do you want to dance, Isak?”
Even laughed and tapped him on the shoulder before disappearing into the crowd.
Isak let Emma drag him to the mass of awkward bodies trying to match the beat of whatever song was playing, and soon her lips were on his. She tugged at his hair and giggled into his mouth. She was sweet, Emma. But then he opened his eyes mid-kiss and saw Even watching. He didn’t look down when Isak’s eyes met his own. He just kept watching. A voice was screaming inside Isak’s head. “Close your eyes. Close your eyes! Don’t make this weird.” But he didn’t. He couldn’t.
And when Emma was gone and Even asked him if he wanted a ride back home, Isak stuttered and lied miserably before jumping on Jonas’ bike.
---
“I don’t know. How could she do that to Jared Leto’s character?” Emma was struggling under Even’s intense stare.
The older boy looked down at his hands for a few seconds before replying.
“How would you feel if someone were to call you a massive bitch just because you don’t feel a certain way about someone?”
“What? That’s irrelevant. I would never do that. Besides, she’s not a real person. What?” Emma was clearly uncomfortable and Isak made a terrible mistake by inviting her to their movie thing.
“My point, Emma, is that some of us can’t control how we feel. And it’s not fair to sit here and get called ‘a massive bitch’ by someone who supposedly can”.
Emma went silent after that. She didn’t really understand what was going on. Isak couldn’t exactly blame her. She didn’t know Even was bipolar. She didn’t know that this movie was not meant for her, that she wasn’t meant to watch it with them, and that she wasn’t supposed to ride the bus back home with them.
Then Even laughed like he had just remembered the most hilarious thing in the world. Isak really hated himself right then and there. And as if he had read his mind, Even turned his eyes to his, and the world stilled for a second.
The supposed anger was no longer there. His gaze was soft and warm. It said ‘It’s okay. I’m okay. This is not your fault’ while Isak’s said ‘I’m sorry. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry.’
---
January 1st
The first time Even kissed Isak was the day he found out he was bipolar. It was New Year’s Eve, and when a girl told everyone at the party that the third year was sprawled in the middle of the street refusing to get up, Isak almost threw Emma off his lap. He found Even lying in the middle of the road in his white buttoned up shirt and black trousers. It was freezing outside.
“Even, are you insane? Someone could run you over. Get up.” Isak was pulling his arm, in vain.
“It’s funny that you ask, Isak. I am in fact insane. Yes.”
“How much did you drink? Where is Sonja? Get up.” Isak struggled to get him up and eventually gave up, sitting next to him on the ground. Even reached out to take his hand.
“Lie down with me, Isak. Just a minute and I’ll get up I promise.”
“Bro. Someone is going to run us over. It’s New Year’s Eve. Reckless drivers everywhere!”
“I won’t let anything happen to you, Isak. I promise.”
Even had said his name three times by now, and it made him feel weird. Something wasn’t right.
“Even, are you okay?” Even laughed, then sat up, his hand still clasped in Isak’s.
“I am perfect, Isak. I love this so much. I’m so happy. I love you so much, you know.” It was his fourth time saying his name. His smile kept getting wider and his face almost looked distorted. Something was wrong. Panic settled in Isak’s mind when Even spoke again, asking for the time.
“It’s almost midnight.” He didn’t need to look at his phone. Everybody was gathered in front of the TV waiting for the final countdown when he left to look for Even.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6…
“Have you ever been kissed at midnight, Isak?”
He didn’t even have time to answer before Even’s lips were on his own. Isak’s mind went blank. He didn’t even know if he kissed him back. He couldn’t remember a damn thing besides the fire in his chest and the one lighting up the sky. When he came back to his senses, he was gripping the back of Even’s hands where they rested on his own face. He was panting. They both were. Isak stared into Even’s eyes. He stared and stared and let Even kiss him a second time, and then a third. The fireworks were over and a car was flashing its lights when Isak reopened his eyes. He was still on the ground processing what had just happened when Even threw the first punch at the car.
They ended up at the police station with other people in fancy suits whose nights didn’t go exactly as planned. Isak was drunk, scared shitless, and crying into the palms of his hands. How could he have been so stupid? Sonja was barefoot and disheveled, but she still hugged Isak and told him it wasn’t his fault. Isak wanted to push her hand away. “It’s my fucking fault. I was too busy eating your boyfriend’s face to realize he was losing his damn mind”.
He wasn’t allowed to see Even, and soon his father showed up to pick him up. Isak was in hysterics in his dad's car as he explained Even's condition.
"What the fuck? How do you know and I don't? You knew? How could you not tell me? You ask me to befriend him and forget to mention this?" He slammed the door at a red light and ignored his father's pleas.
"You fucking left. You don't get to tell me what to do." He screamed at the car as he crossed the road.
Isak cried the entire way back to the kollektivet.
.
Isak didn’t hear from Even for a few agonizing weeks. But then he found him waiting by his locker with a huge smile on his face on a particularly cloudy Tuesday. “We’re watching Bridge to Terabithia this weekend.” He declared. Isak was so relieved. He couldn’t hide it. His vision soon became blurry.
“Isak, are you crying?”
“I’m not crying. What the fuck. I don’t cry.” But then he took Even in his arms and hugged him the way he wanted hug him the night Even started spiraling out of control and tugging at his own hair, eyes threatening to pop out of his head.
“I’m glad you’re okay. I was so fucking scared, man.” He admitted into his hoodie before pulling out.
“I heard you were there for the shit show. I’m sorry I scared you. I should have told you before. I’m sorry.”
They never talked about the kissing. Good. Isak didn’t want to talk about it. An ugly part of him was relieved that Even didn’t remember it.
“Don’t fucking apologize.”
---
They were still on the bus, for what seemed like an eternity. Isak didn’t know what Emma’s stop was. Maybe she thought she’d go back to his place. Awkward. He usually ended up in Even’s house after a movie, and they’d drink beer while the taller boy analyzed all the important scenes. Emma had actually never been to his house before. They would make out at parties and then barely interact during the week, mostly because Isak would avoid her like the plague. He knew he was using her. He was scared shitless of the endless possibilities and had invited her on a whim to his movie thing with Even.
“When do you get off, Emma?” Even asked.
“Uhm. I don’t know. I thought I could hang out with Isak for a bit. It’s not even 18:00.”
“Well, Isak promised me some Fifa after this. I don’t know if you’d be interested.”
Isak couldn’t believe it. Even was done playing games. He was telling Emma that she needed to go. And Isak felt like an absolute loser because that was his job, not Even’s.
“I can hang out for a bit. I have to stop by my friend’s house later anyways. And she’s not expecting me until 19:00.” Emma replied calmly. She knew what was going on and she was putting on a fight. Alright. Alright.
----
January 28th
The first time Isak realized Even wanted to be more than friends was the last time they went to watch a movie together. It wasn’t a particularly memorable one. And Isak didn’t even remember the story as he had actually fallen asleep thirty minutes in. What he remembered, though, was waking up to Even gently moving his head to rest on the taller boy’s shoulder. Isak had of course panicked at the gesture and pretended to be asleep for the remainder of the movie.
His heart was stuck in his throat and his palms were sweaty by the time Even had intertwined their fingers. Isak didn’t understand despite his best efforts to rationalize the situation. What is this? What is he doing? Why is rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb? Why is my heart beating so fast? What about Sonja? What the fuck? Is he manic? Oh my god is this a gay thing? Am I -
His thoughts were interrupted when Even disentangled their fingers a few minutes later in what seemed like a moment of panic, readjusting himself so that his shoulder was a little bit higher. Isak had no choice but to let his head fall backwards, still pretending to be asleep. But then Even nudged him.
“How disrespectful! How dare you sleep through such a masterpiece?”
They never talked about it, but Isak couldn’t fall asleep that night. He kept replaying the moment in his head. He could still feel Even’s thumb ghosting over the back of his hand. He could still feel the pressure of his long fingers as they dug into his skin. He could still feel the urge to press back, to say ‘I’m here. I’m present for this. This scares the fuck out of me but I’m pressing back’.
Even broke up with Sonja that week, and Isak had to find out through Magnus. When he asked Even, he just shrugged and said that she grew tired of him. It had taken Isak three days to ask him about it.
Isak was tiptoeing around him. He couldn’t even look Even in the eyes until that Wednesday when he stopped by his locker to let him know they were watching a movie on Saturday.
“We’re watching Mr. Nobody. It’s going to blow your mind, young boy.”
Isak cheekily responded with an “Oh, is it?” with half raised eyebrows, and Even had laughed and told him to stop appropriating ‘his eyebrow thing’. But as soon as Even disappeared into the crowded hallway, panic settled in Isak’s mind and he started thinking of ways to bail.
He eventually ended up inviting exactly everyone he knew. And the entire crew obliged. Jonas, Mahdi, Magnus, and even the girls were there. Even was a bit surprised when he got to the theater and was greeted by seven of Isak’s friends. But it wasn’t until he saw Emma that his jaw clenched and his eyes lost their usual spark. It was February 11th.
---
February 11th
Magnus was the first one to speak up when the credits of Mr. Nobody rolled up. “What the fuck did I just watch?”
Jonas and Mahdi had just started explaining when Sana’s “are you sure we watched the same movie?” made everyone into break into laughter.
Even’s laugh was polite and reserved. And that’s when Isak knew. He knew that Even was angry.
The crew then parted ways, some taking cabs, others riding their bikes. Isak and Even made their way to the bus station where they had spent so much time talking about movies while waiting for their bus, and Emma followed. It was all wrong. He should have never invited her. Even was obviously annoyed. This was their thing. Isak and Even. Even and Isak. But the last time they were in the dark, Even had taken Isak’s hand in his and somehow nothing was really the same anymore. And when the bus finally arrived and Even sat across from Isak instead of by his side, he realized that maybe it didn’t have to be.
---
Now
Emma was nervously fiddling with her fingers. Isak felt bad for putting her through whatever this was. He knew that she liked him and he knew that he had treated her like dirt. He used her because he didn’t want to deal with his ‘feelings’ for Even. He used her to maintain that facade everyone around him was so used to. Emma had probably caught up by now. Isak promised himself that he would invite her for coffee and explain himself once this dreadful day was over. But then she spoke again.
“So, if you were Nemo, what would you pick? Anna seemed like his one true love. I would probably pick that universe.” She said to no one in particular.
“I don’t think it matters.” Even replied. “It’s not predetermined. It was all the figment of Nemo’s seven year old boy imagination. It doesn’t matter.”
“What do you mean?” Emma asked. Isak suddenly found himself interested in the movie discussion as well.
“I think life is like a film, and that we are like directors of our lives. You know.”
“I don’t agree.” Isak finally spoke, and it earned him a curious look from Even.
“If anything, I think all those universes we saw in the movie actually exist side by side, or in parallel, you know. The moment Nemo was faced with that choice, it forked all these new possibilities and parallel universes. I don’t know.”
Even was silent and he looked a bit taken aback. Isak never challenged his deep and weird views of the world. So when nobody said anything, Isak spoke again.
“It’s all so big. There is probably another Isak, Even, and Emma somewhere in the universe doing something else.”
“So we’re sitting on a school bench or something?” Emma asked.
“Smoking a joint, fighting over Isak’s attention?” Even added. And all three of them actually laughed.
“Actually, maybe in another universe your parents don’t know each other, and Isak never had to speak to you when you transferred”. Emma challenged. “Maybe it’s just Isak and me in another universe.”
“I don’t think so.” Even replied. “I would have spoken to Isak, either way.”
Isak’s chest started doing that thing again when it would shrink and ache and heave when Emma asked him to elaborate.
“I didn’t know who Isak was when I saw him on the first day of school. But I still wanted to talk to him. I don’t know. I was pretty fixated on him long before he approached me.”
What the fuck.
It was like an out of body experience. Emma and Even were talking about him and he was right there. He had to say something. Anything.
“You need to tone down your obsession with me, Even. There are things you can’t just blurt out to people.” He joked but Even just looked at him.
“I’m serious, Isak.” He spoke very softly. “I’m actually starting to buy your parallel universe theory. I think we somehow always end up like this.”
This was by far the most awkward and bizarre moment of Isak’s life. They could cut the tension with a knife and Isak just didn’t know what to do anymore. But then Even spoke again.
“Although maybe in another universe, I don’t make you lie down with me in the middle of the road on New Year’s Eve.” He joked. HE JOKED.
Isak’s mind went blank.
He remembered. He fucking remembered.
Even looked at him knowingly and smiled while Emma dug her nails into her own hands. Isak’s mind was a chaotic mess when he realized that it was his stop, their stop.
Emma stood up first and Isak followed close behind, hoping to leave some space between Even and himself as they hurried out of the bus. His cheeks were soon slapped by the cold February wind, and his foot had barely reached the floor when he felt Even’s hands on his hips.
Strong and insistent, his hands were not saying “I’m teasing you because we’re drunk and at a party”. No. His hands were a statement, a bold one. His hands were marking him, telling him a thousand things, and of course holding him in place as his knees were threatening to give out. Emma was walking ahead of them, not looking back. It’s almost as if she knew. She pulled out her phone and pretended to take a call. Isak was panicking. What if she turned around? He tried to face Even and get his hands off of him, but his grip only tightened as he pulled him closer to his chest. Isak’s back was now firmly pressed against Even while he buried his ridiculous hair in Isak’s neck. It was a total mess. Isak felt hot all over. Hot and flustered and angry at himself for feeling hot and flustered.
“Even, now is not the time to manhandle me. This is fucking ridiculous.” He pleaded weakly. But then Even’s face left his neck and his lips were now carefully brushing against his ear. Isak only realized Even’s hands had left his hips when he felt his arms around his waist, hugging his stomach so tight it felt like the air was squeezed out of his lungs.
“But baby, I want you so bad.” He whispered in his ear.
Isak’s breath hitched. His chest was heaving and he was about to cry from frustration and lust. In that moment, Isak felt like they were the only two people left in the goddamn universe. He forgot about Emma who was probably faking that phone call and doing her best to avoid looking at them. He forgot about how his mother would probably have a stroke at the sight of her son practically grinding against another boy at a bus stop. He forgot about how he can’t fall asleep at night because he’s too scared of feeling things, too scared of what people would say, too scared of everyone finding out that it was just an act. He forgot about all of it right then and there in Even’s strong grip as he held him like his life depended on it.
“Baby,” Even said again, hugging him tighter as Isak let out a breathless “Fuck” completely letting go and resting his head against Even’s chest. Then the tall boy spoke again, his voice low, his fingers digging into Isak’s sides, his breath hot against Isak’s ear.
“Get. rid. of. her.”