Chapter Text
Natsumi: Oh hey, I’m in a random rock quarry in a Tokusatsu. I wonder if there will be a massive fight.
{Massive fight ensues, all the riders are fighting a powerful enemy}
Natsumi: Yep, figured. So, who’s the enemy? An evil space empire?
{Nope.}
Natsumi: Shocker?
{Not yet.}
Natsumi: …Ferbus?
{Oh GOD no!}
Natsumi: So who is it?
{TEH UBER RIDER! WATCH AS HE KILLS EVERY RIDER WITH PINK LAZERS!}
Natsumi: Oh hai Decade.
{Natsumi wakes up in a school bus}
Bus Driver: Hey kid, you’re gonna be late for your first day of school!
Natsumi: Wait this isn’t how Kamen Rider Decade starts!
Bus Driver: Oh… Well shi-
KAMEN RIDER DECADE:
JOURNEY THROUGH THE ABRIDGED
{Natsumi wakes up for real}
Random Patron: Hey! I have a messed up photo!
Natsumi: Oh hey, my cue to become a tsundere to the hero. Excuse me while I go and have a moment where I stand perfectly still while the Mirror World noise plays and Ryuki spies on me.
{She does exactly that and a wild Ryuki appears}
Kit: SURPRISE! I’M NOT RYUKI!
Natsumi: Go away, Kit, no one likes you.
Kit: Awww…
{Meanwhile, by the river}
Tsukasa: Doot-doo-doot, taking a picture.
Random Asshole Victim: Hey! You ripped me off! Now I’m gonna beat you up!
{Tsukasa side steps the punches while looking at the ruined pictures that said asshole had.}
Tsukasa: Huh, I failed… Well then, time to take more pictures!
{looks into the camera and sees Wataru}
Wataru: Oooooooooooh, I’m being so cryyyyyyyyptic!
Tsukasa: Lol wut?
{Then Natsumi establishes her character by giving Tsukasa the thumb of laughter. At least he got it easy, the riders after him had to tolerate getting smacked around with a slipper}
Natsumi: Now let’s go and talk about your lack of a past!
{At the lake}
Natsumi: Why do you take bad photos?
Tsukasa: I told you this before, why do I have to say it again?
Natsumi: Let me rephrase that: Explain to the audience why you take bad photos?
Tsukasa: Oh. Okay then, well I’m taking photos to capture my world because I’m from another world and I have an acute case of amnesia.
Natsumi: The kind where you forget just your past and nothing like actual motor skills, right?
Tsukasa: Yep. This is a Japanese TV show after all. Hey, you know what else we need? Monsters.
{Suddenly, dimensional walls summon monsters.}
Natsumi: You just had to say it.
{A dimensional wall splits the two up}
Tsukasa: Well crap.
{Suddenly Wataru}
Wataru: Hey, look at me, I’m being cryptic!
{shows Tsukasa worlds colliding then nearly crushes him with a building}
Tsukasa: THE HECK WAS THAT FOR!?
Wataru: Ooooooh, here I am talking about a mysterious power you have!
Tsukasa: I have JRPG amnesia! I don’t know what the heck you’re saying!
Wataru: Well, sucks to be you. I’m not saying squat.
{Then Tsukasa appears elsewhere}
Tsukasa: What a dick.
{Meanwhile, Natsumi is getting attacked by monsters, then comes across a conveniently placed DecaDriver and RideBooker}
Natsumi: Oh hey, it’s the very same belt that appeared in my dream. What an amazing convenience.
Tsukasa: Hey, Natsumi! I somehow found you! Oh nice, you have a twin!
{Said twin is a Changeling… I mean Worm}
Natsumi: Oh crap, what do I do?
Tsukasa: Hey! Hand me the buckle!
Natsumi: Huh? Oh right! I can use the buckle!
Tsukasa: Natsumi, you better be kidding me. The day you become a rider is the day I die. Everyone knows women can’t be the main rider, just look at Mari.
{Flashback to the first episode of Faiz}
Takumi: WTF!? This ain’t my bag!
{Mari snatches the belt in the bag then dials the phone}
555! STANDIN’ BY!
Mari: HENSHIN!
{puts the phone into the belt}
NOPE!
{Belt ejects from her}
Tsukasa: Besides, even if you became a rider, it’ll be a death sentence. Tackle Syndrome, we people call it.
Natsumi: But Megumi became IXA and she got to live.
Tsukasa: Well, the Rider Reaper was a lazy ass and he got his fix by offing Mari… again.
Natsumi: Alright…
{hands Tsukasa the buckle and booker, which somehow phase through the wall even though their hands couldn’t break them}
Tsukasa: Awesome, now watch my epic henshin!
KAMEN RIDE: DECADE!
{He transforms}
Tsukasa: Now, it’s showtime!
{breaks through the dimensional wall and beats up the Worms as Kabuto. Then he demorphs back into Decade because… plot}
Tsukasa: Wasn’t that awesome, now hop on my cool bike, Natsumi.
Natsumi: Oh hai Decade!
Tsukasa: How do you know my name?
Natsumi: How do you know your name?
Tsukasa: JRPG Amnesia. I don’t want to repeat that every time.
Natsumi: Fine… Let’s go.
{They hop on a bike and ride off into the sunset…}
{Towards an Orphnoch filled world. They stop to look at the dead people}
Tsukasa: Hey look, it’s that asshole victim who didn’t like my photo. Guess he got what was coming to him.
{Then he awakens and transforms into an Orphnoch.}
Tsukasa: Well crap. Hey, bike, do a neat trick that you’ll never do again!
{The Machine Decader turns into Autovajin, and never transforms into another bike ever again… except for The Final Chapter, but that’s neither here nor now}
Tsukasa: Cool! Now I get to kick ass again!
KAMEN RIDE: FAIZ!
{Asskicking ensues, then Makamou attack, and he kicks ass again as Hibiki. Then asskicking stops because Tsukasa was forced out of his transformation because… plot.}
Tsukasa: Huh, why the heck am I losing my powers?
Wataru: CRYPTIC!
{Giant CGI Monsters begin to eat each other and cause a giant CGI explosion that even Kuuga would be jealous of. Wataru shows his badassness by stopping time and casually walking through the flames}
Wataru: Well, that was fun. Who’s for exposition?
Tsukasa: I am! And for the Overlord’s sake, don’t be cryptic about it.
Wataru: Sorry, I’m contractually obligated to be as vague as possible to provide the epileptic trees their food.
{Wataru snaps his fingers and takes Tsukasa to his planetarium, but instead of the Solar System, all the planets are replicas of Earth}
Wataru: Now, there are nine worlds, each with their own Kamen Rider and their own continuity. Though Kiva and Den-O kind of share a world thanks to Climax Deka… and background information and that DVD suggest that Kuuga, Agito, and Ryuki all share a world too… But the writers won’t care about consistent continuity until after this show. You know what they do care about? Crossovers! Lots and lots of crossovers! Think about it. Who doesn’t love a crossover? They’re like, the best thing since peanut butter and chocolate! Just say “Freddie Kruger takes on Jason Voorhees” and you got yourself instant gold, even if it’s a steaming pile of crap. They’ll pull this exact same thing off with Super Sentai but decided to give us a test drive first to see if it will make them the moolah they always wanted. And trust me, it will.
Tsukasa: So… what must I do to save Natsumi’s world?
Wataru: Cross over into the nine worlds. Oh, and you have a cool moniker too: The Destroyer of Worlds… HINT HINT.
Tsukasa: What should I do once I get to the nine worlds?
Wataru: Oh my… I JUST TOLD YOU…And you wonder why I have to be so cryptic about this!
{Tsukasa warps back to reality}
Wataru: Insert a reference to the fact that I’m with the original riders here.
Natsumi: So… What must we do?
Tsukasa: Well… travel to the nine worlds and save them. I guess? He never really gave me specifics, like how to travel to them…
Natsumi: WHAT!? So how are we going to save my world?!
Eijiro: Suddenly, my house is a TARDIS!
{Eijiro pulls a chain and a painting drops down, bringing them to Kuuga’s World}
Natsumi: HOLY CRAP! How did you do that?! When can this building be able to cross worlds!? How do you know all this!?
Eijiro: I won’t explaiiiiiiiin… Trololololol.
Tsukasa: Welp, he’s senile. Time for me to explore.
{Goes outside and notices he’s a police officer}
Tsukasa: SWEET!
Radio Dispatcher: RANDOM KAIJIN ATTACK! I REPEAT! RANDOM KAIJIN ATTACK! WE HAVE TO FIRE AT THE KAIJIN!
Tsukasa: Wait… Cops are fighting monsters? The cops were never effective since… Since… OH CRAP! This world is…
{Meanwhile, a cop is being attacked by a bird monster}
Yuusuke: OH NO! My Ane-san is being attacked! HENSHIN!
{Transforms into Kamen Rider Kuuga and punches the birdman in the face}
Tsukasa: KUUGA’S WORLD!
{TO BE CONTINUED!}