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Dean sat on his bed criss cross staring at his computer screen with a one year old in his lap. “Look, Adam, it’s Daddy.”
“Dada.” Adam waved.
‘Hey, little man. Remember me? I’m your Daddy. You’ll see me soon, Buddy.’
“I wish you were gonna be home for Christmas.” Dean frowned and squeezed his littlest boy. “Are you sure you aren’t gonna be home until after New Year’s?”
‘I don’t wanna be away from y’all any longer, too. I’ve missed too much of little Adam’s life already. I’ve only seen a month and a half of my youngest baby boy. I’ve been promised that after this tour I will have a nice long break before my next tour.’
“Why another tour? That’s what? Six?” Dean ran his fingers through Adam’s hair. “Can’t you go into retirement and actually use your degree?”
‘I don’t want to use my law enforcement degree. I want to fight for my country. I want to do that until I can’t anymore.’
Dean shook his head. “You’ll be dead by then…”
‘Don’t say that, Babe.’ Cas frowned. ‘Tell Claire, Samandriel and Emma that I love them and I’ll talk to them soon.’
“Stay safe. When will I talk to you again?” Dean frowned as Adam tried to get off the bed. The one year old squeal in his father’s arm. “Can it be before Christmas day, or at least on Christmas day?”
‘I will try. I have to go and start my day. I love you, remember that. I love you, so much.’
“Yeah, yeah…Stay safe. I love you, too.” Dean smiled softly. Cas hung up and Dean stared at the blank screen for a moment but tore his eyes away due to Adam grabbed a handful of his hair. “Hey, hey, no pulling.”
“Papa!” Adam smiled.
“Let’s go wake up your brother and sisters for the day.” Dean pulled himself out of bed. He placed Adam on his hip and walked into his oldest daughter’s bedroom. “Claire-bear, it’s your last day before Christmas break.”
The blonde hair girl sat up and yawned. “Good morning, Papa.”
“Morning, Babe. I talked with Daddy. He wanted to tell you that he loves you and will speak to you soon.” Dean kissed his daughter’s forehead.
“Is he gonna be home for Christmas?” She looked up at her father.
Dean shook his head. “I don’t think so, Sugar. It’ll be ok. There will be plenty more Christmases we will have with Daddy. Get ready for school, while I wake up the rest of the gang.”
*(&^%$^&*(*&^%^&*()
Dean stood in the cold and helping his lovely students inside. A lot of his student did not show up or he had gotten emails that they were going out of town. The other half he received notes that they were leaving early. By lunch ¼ of his students were present. During recess Dean sat on the ground bundled up in a blanket he had brought from home and only his eyes poking out.
Gabe walked over to the Winchester. “Warm enough, Dean-o?”
“No.” Dean deadpanned.
“Have you talked Cas in a while?” The Novak sat down beside Dean.
The Winchester offered the blanket so the two huddled together for warmth. “Yeah, I talked to him early this morning. He’s not gonna make it for Christmas, sadly.”
“It’s a shame. He’s missed so much of Adam’s life.” Gabe frowned.
“How’s your bun in your oven?” Dean smiled, trying to change the subject.
Gabe frowned. “How’d you know? I hadn’t even told Sam yet.”
Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. You have been glowing lately. Maybe from one carrier to another I could just sense it. How far along are you?”
“12 weeks. Found out last week, when I thought I was sick.” Gabe smiled.
“Congrats, Gabe. I’m really happy for you.” Dean smiled. “Are you and Sam coming home for Christmas?”
“Of course, we wouldn’t miss it. Sam is gonna bring like four pies, from what he has told me.” Gabe laughed.
Dean laughed. “I could eat my sadness away.”
The Novak’s smile faltered. “Dean…”
“No, no, make sure Sam bring the good stuff.” Dean did not give Gabe any eye contact.
“Come on, Dean-o, smile. Cas is fine. He’ll be home before your birthday.” Gabe rubbed Dean’s back.
“Yeah…” Dean cleared his throat. He ripped the blanket off him and got up. “I-I-I gotta go to—to the—yeah.”
“Wait, Dean.” Gabe got up shortly after.
Dean rushed into the building and quickly grabbed his keys and unlocked the employee bathroom. He gripped the sink tried to control his breathing. Tears blinded him and fell into the bowl. He about came out of his skin when Gabe toughed his shoulder. “Fuck…Gabe…”
Gabe didn’t say anything. He just rubbed the Winchester’s back until Dean calmed himself. “Are you gonna be ok for the rest of the school day?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Dean cleared his throat and wiped his eyes. “Thanks, Gabe. I’m sorry. Ever since Cas’s mission on the tour before last I’ve been on edge when Cas is gone.”
“It’s ok. I understand. Cassie is my brother. It’s hard knowing that he could be in danger every day that he is gone.” Gabriel nodded. “Compose yourself and slap a smile on your face. Cas will be home before you know it.”
8&^%$%^&*()*&^%$^&*()_
The one thing that kept his mind off his husband being overseas was his children. Currently, he was holding his son’s hands as he tried to walk around Sam and Gabe’s living room. “Nice ass, Dean.” Jo retorted from her spot on the couch cuddled up with Charlie.
Dean glared at the Harvelle. “You try squeezing in a work out when I have four kids to care for when I’m not caring for 17 of them at work.”
The Harvelle raised her arms in surrender. “No, I wasn’t being sarcastic. You look good. Have you lost weight?”
“Papa, Rudolph is on. Can we watch it?” Claire asked as she walked into the room from the Kitchen.
“Sure, Sugar.” Dean nodded as Charlie handed Claire the remote. “Keep the volume low.”
“Dean, I know Cas not being here has been hard for you, but you’ve lost weight due to stress, haven’t you.” Charlie frowned.
“I don’t wanna talk about this. Can we not bring up my husband tonight?” Dean frowned as Adam decided he wanted to walk into the foyer.
Adam paced around until he started to fuss. Dean straightened and his back popped. He ruffled his baby boy’s hair and blew a raspberry into Adam’s cheek. Sam stepped into the foyer. “Soup’s on.”
“Great, little Adam man is getting fussy.” Dean tickled his son’s tummy.
“Papa!” Adam whined.
“See.”
“You alright?” Sam propped against the door frame.
Dean glanced up at his brother. “I’m fine, why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Because Cas being gone has been hard on you. Gabe told me about your break down in the bathroom a few days ago.” Sam frowned. “Cas will be home soon.”
“Yeah, I tell myself that every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed. I never stop thinking about it. You know what, Sammy, I’m not quite hungry anymore. Can you take Adam?” Dean lifted the baby up and handed him over to his brother. “I’m going to get some fresh air.”
“Wait, Dean, it’s Christmas Eve. It’s a time that you spend with family. Claire, Alfie, Emma and Adam need you to be here with them. This is a hard time for them too.” Sam hoisted Adam on his hip.
The older Winchester sighed and turned to face Sam. “You don’t understand. My kids don’t have a relationship as Cas. He has come and gone so often and for so long, that he’s been gone more than he has been here since Claire was born. Yeah, they recognize their father’s face and yeah, they love him, but they don’t really know him, other than the things I have told them. I know Cas. We dated all through high school and college. We got married two weeks after college and one week before his first deployment. I. Know. Cas.”
Sam saw the tears in Dean’s eyes. “Ok, I get it. Please, just come and sit with the family. I’m not even gonna force you to eat, but you need to be with the family, not by yourself.”
“I will never stop Cas from doing what he loves, but it’s tearing me apart for him to be so far away.” Dean wiped his eyes. “Tomorrow’s Christmas. You have your husband home with you. This isn’t the first and it’s not the last one that Cas won’t be here for.”
“When you’re ready…come join your family at the dinner table.” Sam spoke softly. “Come on, Adam, let’s get you some food to fill your tummy.”
(*&^%$#%^&*(&^%$%^&*()
Dean never joined everyone at the table for dinner. He just laid down on the couch and stared off. He bit his fingernails. Claire came into the living room and climbed over her dad and nuzzled into Dean’s back. “Don’t be sad, Papa. Daddy will be home really soon. When he does it will be your birthday and we can all celebrate like a family.”
“Thank you, Darling.” Dean rolled over on his back and Claire rested her head on his chest. “You’re handling things better than me.”
“I just need to keep thinking positive. It’s what Daddy keeps telling me.” Claire drew shapes into Dean’s chest.
“Go round up Emma and Samandriel, tell them we are about to leave.” Dean sat up. He walked into the kitchen where Gabe and Sam were still trying to feed the fussy Adam. “You have to make him want to eat the food. He’s a picky eater.”
The two men looked up at Dean. “It’s macaroni. It shouldn’t be too hard to get him to eat, but it is.” Sam ran his fingers through his hair.
Dean sat down beside his baby son. He grabbed the baby fork and scooped up the noodles. “Adam, it’s mac’n’cheese. It’s tasty, see.” He took ate the bite off the fork that he knew was covered in baby drool. He didn’t care. It was his fourth kid. “Want some?”
“Yeah.” Adam nodded.
“Here.” Dean scooped up more and airplaned the spoon into his awaiting son’s mouth. The boy hummed with a smile. “It’s yummy, isn’t it?”
Adam hummed then opened his mouth again. “Papa.”
Dean laughed. “Here you go, Bud.” He noticed Gabe and Sam staring. “What?”
“We tried everything and he wouldn’t eat. God, we’re gonna be awful parents.” Sam groaned. “How did you do that?”
“Adam’s number four, you remember how I was with Claire, especially when Cas was deployed right after.” Dean didn’t look at his brother and in-law directly. “It has become second nature.”
Gabe nodded. “Are you gonna leave once Adam is finished?”
“Yeah, I got a lot I need to do. I have to put all the kids down for bed, set out all the presents, and see if I can contact Cas tonight.” Dean still didn’t look at Sam or Gabe. “All done? All done? Ready to go home and go night night?”
Dean scooped up Adam and placed him on his hip. Sam rose to his feet. “Me and Gabe are gonna be at your house no earlier than noon. We are gonna sleep in, eat breakfast, exchange gifts, maybe a little afternoon delights. We want you to spend time with your kids.”
“Thank you.” Dean whispered.
(*&^%$%^&*()(**(&^%$^&*(
“When you wake up in the morning, it will be Christmas and we get to open presents. We’re gonna have dinner at Grandma and Grandpas Novak’s. Granny Mary and Grandpa John are gonna come over for lunch. We’re gonna have so much fun.” Dean whispered as he cuddled up with Emma.
“I wrote a letter for Santa.” Emma spoke.
Dean hummed. “What did you ask for?”
“For Daddy to come home.” Emma snuggled closer into Dean. “I know Santa’s not real, but I really wish Daddy would come home.”
“Why do you think Santa is not real?” Dean squeezed his daughter.
“I never believed. I like to think that Papa and Daddy buy me, Claire, Alfie, and Adam present one day every year.” Emma smiled. “I’m sleepy.”
Dean sat up. “Goodnight, Love. I love you.”
“Night, Papa.” Emma hugged her father. Dean walked out of the room. He pulled out his laptop and immediately checked Skype. He had to see if Castiel was online. It was offline. He sighed. He pulled up in email…no messages from the Novak.
“Dammit…” Dean huffed. He slammed his laptop shut and pushed it aside. He got off the bed and walked downstairs and started laying out all the presents. He spent half an hour making sure everything was out then walked upstairs.
He laid down on his bed and unlocked his phone. He started looking through his photos. He curled up on his side as tear bubbled in his eyes. One of the few family photos he had. It was a few hours after Adam was born. Dean laughed cause he thought he looked horrible, but Cas insisted they take a photo on Adam’s birthday. He somehow drifted to sleep.
Next thing he knew the baby monitor was going off. He sat up, ran a hand down his face, and crawled out of bed. He walked into the nursery. “Hey, big boy. Merry Christmas.”
“Papa!”
Dean smiled and pulled the boy out of the crib and changed him. He walked back to his bed and they laid there was watched TV until Emma came and joined where Dr. Sexy got changed to Team Umizoomi. “Merry Christmas, Love.”
“Merry Christmas, Papa.” Emma kissed her father.
“Once Alfie and Claire wake up we can go open presents. It’s only 6, so TV we watch.” Dean smiled.
Emma smiled and curled up in Cas’s spot while Adam played and babbled. Alfie lightly knocked on the door. “Come in, come in.” The tiny girl giggled.
The oldest boy crawled on the bed. “Is Claire still asleep?”
“Yeah, she’s the oldest, requires the most time to recharge.” Dean smirked. “Once she wakes we can rip open those presents. Merry Christmas, by the way.”
“Merry Christmas, Papa.” Samandriel smiled.
They all just watched TV until 7:30 when Claire walked into the bedroom. “Merry Christmas.”
In unison the children replied back. They perked up and looked at Dean. “Come on, Papa. Present time.”
Dean sat up. “Alright, alright, everyone downstairs.” He picked up Adam and headed down. He was the guy to take the pictures and film. The kids were happily playing with their new toys. Dean nursed a morning beer, careful to keep it away from the baby. The doorbell rang. He looked at his watch. “Dad is never early. It’s only 8:30.”
“Who is it, Papa?” Emma asked.
“I don’t know.” Dean got up. “Claire, watch over Adam.”
“Yes, sir.”
He walked to the door and yawned as he opened it. “It’s 8:30, you weren’t supposed to be here until— CAS!”
Dean jumped back. “Oh my God!”
“Hey.” Castiel stood in the doorway. “Merry Christmas.”
“You son of a bitch. I’ve been trying to contact you for the past four days.” Dean said behind his tears hugged his husband. “I’ve missed you.”
“I know, I’ve missed you too. It’s good to be home.” Cas squeezed Dean.
Dean breathed in Cas’s smell like it was oxygen. “You’re the one and only Christmas present.”
“Good, cause I’m staying.” Cas pulled back and stared at his lover. “For good.”
“Don’t lie to me, Castiel.” Dean gripped Cas’s forearms.
“It’s true. I thought about it and I talked with a few people and they are offering me and position at the police office, a detective.” Cas smiled.
“Papa, who is at the door.” They heard. Suddenly Emma rounded the corner. “DADDY!”
“hey, baby doll.” Cas crouched down.
Dean wiped his eyes as his youngest daughter hugged her father. He was greeted by the other kids. Soon the kids were distracted by their new toys again. Castiel cupped Dean’s face. They got close and placed a romantic kiss, finally. “Don’t leave, again. Please, I can’t take it anymore. You’ve missed too much of our kid’s lives.”
“I’m not missing anymore Christmases, Dean. I’ll be home for Christmas.” Castiel kissed Dean’s lips once again.
“This is the best day I’ve had in a long time.” Dean sniffed and held his husband so he couldn’t get away again. “You had me strung out and freaking out last night when I still hadn’t been able to contact you.”
Cas laughed. “I was on a 17 hour plane flight. I’m here, in one peace.”
“Promise me you won’t miss another Christmas, again.” Dean whispered as his and Cas’s touched ever so lightly.
“I will never miss another Christmas, birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving, New Year, or Valentine’s Day. I’m gonna see you at least twice every day in person. I’m not leave you, ever again.” Cas proclaimed. “Now, let’s go into the living room and be a family on Christmas.”
***