Work Text:
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL BUREAU OF BALANCE SEEKERS, RECLAIMERS, AND REGULATORS
FROM: BUREAU OF BALANCE HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
RE: MISSION REPORTS
Seekers, Reclaimers, and Regulators: please submit timely reports of your seeking, reclamation, and/or regulation-related missions on the surface. The Bureau of Balance must maintain complete and accurate records related to our organizational objective of destroying the Grand Relics. Please consult your Employee Handbook for the formatting and submission standards for your reports.
Employees who fail to submit reports will be benched from further missions.
Thank you!
-Brad Bradson
Bureau of Balance HR Dept.
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL BUREAU OF BALANCE SEEKERS, RECLAIMERS, AND REGULATORS
FROM: BUREAU OF BALANCE HUMAN EMPLOYEE RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
RE: PRIOR MEMORANDUM
It has come to our attention that the term “Human Resources” is offensive and not appropriately inclusive of our diverse and varied employees. This mistake has been corrected. The “Human Resources” Department is now the “Employee Resources” Department.
We apologize, and thank you for your patience as we continue to grow and nourish our unique corporate culture.
-Brad Bradson
Bureau of Balance ER Dept.
“We get memos?” Merle squinted at the papers he’d pulled from their full-to-bursting mailbox, an unobtrusive and heretofore unnoticed cubbyhole outside their assigned quarters.
Magnus pushed past Merle and fished around deeper in the mailbox. “We have a mailbox?” He pulled some more mail out of it. There were more notices and memos from HER, and a lot of flyers from Fantasy Costco.
“Ooohhh, coupons!” said Taako, and made grabby hands.
“I didn’t know we had to submit reports,” said Magnus.
“Yeah, you didn’t know?” Everyone jumped. They hadn’t noticed Angus was there. “Jeeze, guys, it’s in the Employee Handbook.”
“There’s an Employee Handbook?”
“Yeah. Did you—did you not read the Handbook? It was part of the onboarding process!”
Taako looked up from his coupons and laid a gentle, condescending hand on Angus’ shoulder. “Listen Ango, we didn’t have an ‘onboarding’ process. We had, like, this whole initiation thing, with these giant ogres and robots, and we drank the voidfish’s juices or whatever. We got the bracers. We were initiated! And there were no handbooks.” He tucked the coupons into his robes, and narrowed his eyes at Angus. “Why are you here again?”
“For, uh, for my magic lessons?”
“Right, right.”
“We don’t need no stinking handbook. Only book we need is the Extreme Teen Bible,” muttered Merle, continuing to shuffle through the stack of memos.
“And we don’t need no stinking reports either. We debrief with the Director, don’t we? And why do we need ‘complete and accurate records’? Like, who are these records for?” Magnus sounded affronted.
Magnus turned the memo about mission reports over, scribbled “NO” on it, and put it back in the mailbox. He read the next memo.
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL BUREAU OF BALANCE SEEKERS, RECLAIMERS, AND REGULATORS
FROM: BUREAU OF BALANCE HUMAN EMPLOYEE RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
RE: SENSITIVITY TRAINING
The Bureau of Balance prides itself on maintaining a positive and mutually beneficial relationship with the diverse citizens of Faerun. Just because we’re on a quest to destroy the Grand Relics doesn’t mean we can’t also be courteous and respectful citizens! We would like to foster a supportive, respectful environment both on and off the moon base. To assist you with this, we have instituted weekly Sensitivity Training Seminars. We will workshop and roleplay positive interactions with simulated Faerun civilians.
Attendance is mandatory for all Seekers, Reclaimers, Regulators who are present on the moon base. Snacks will be provided. We look forward to seeing you!
-Brad Bradson
Bureau of Balance ER Dept.
“Do you think we need to go to this?” asked Merle.
Merle, Magnus, and Taako thought about it for a moment.
“Nah,” they all said. Magnus scrawled a response on the back of this memo too: another “NO,” though after some consideration, he added “THANK YOU.”
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL BUREAU OF BALANCE SEEKERS, RECLAIMERS, AND REGULATORS
FROM: THE DIRECTOR
RE: EXPENSE REPORTS
You do not need to submit expense reports for any collateral or property damage you may incur during missions. That’s what feeding the memory of said collateral or property damage to the voidfish is for. The Bureau of Balance is not made of gold. Also, Legal assures us this is an acceptable budget balancing strategy with no negative legal repercussions.
-The Director
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL BUREAU OF BALANCE SEEKERS, RECLAIMERS, AND REGULATORS
FROM: BUREAU OF BALANCE LEGAL DEPARTMENT
RE: RE: EXPENSE REPORTS
Upon further review, feeding the memory of any collateral or property damage incurred in the course of fulfilling the Bureau’s mission to the voidfish introduces other problematic legal issues. This strategy should only be used in the event of major property damage. As a guideline, on a scale of broken crockery to Phandalin, please continue to submit expense reports for all damages at or below the level of the destruction of the Rockport Limited.
Thank you,
Bureau of Balance Legal Department
“Is it bad that all of those examples are us?” asked Magnus.
Taako scoffed. “Hey, has anyone else succeeded in bringing back Grand Relics? No! No they have not!”
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL BUREAU OF BALANCE SEEKERS, RECLAIMERS, AND REGULATORS
FROM: BUREAU OF BALANCE HUMAN EMPLOYEE RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
RE: NO DOGS ON THE MOON BASE
There are still no dogs allowed on the moon base. Have we not all learned our lesson???? They just run off into space, you guys. They just run off.
Acceptable pets on the moon base are: cats, fish, plants. And snakes, maybe. Do any of you want snakes? You can have them, I guess.
Forbidden pets on the moon base are: dogs, dragons, parrots, wyverns, wolves, basically anything larger than a dog and also anything that eats people.
Please see the Employee Resources Department if your desired pet is not on either list.
Thank you for your anticipated cooperation,
Brad Bradson
Bureau of Balance ER Dept.
“Ha! This one’s not about us! I have an approved pet.” Magnus pulled Steven the goldfish out of his pocket and stroked the glass globe.
MEMORANDUM
TO: ALL BUREAU OF BALANCE SEEKERS, RECLAIMERS, AND REGULATORS
FROM: BUREAU OF BALANCE HUMAN EMPLOYEE RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
RE: GARFIELD THE DEALS WARLOCK
The Bureau of Balance cannot do anything about your independent business transactions with Garfield the Deals Warlock, as he is an independent retailer and not officially an employee of the Bureau. Enter into deals with him at your peril.
In addition, we do not know what he does with the blood you give him for payment. If you’re so concerned about it, don’t give him your blood, bodily fluids, hair, body parts, etc.
Brad Bradson
Bureau of Balance ER Dept.
“Okay, but what does he want with the blood?” wondered Merle.
Magnus tossed that memo aside. “Who cares, the deals are great.”
MEMORANDUM
HIGH PRIORITY
TO: ALL BUREAU OF BALANCE MOON BASE RESIDENTS
FROM: BUREAU OF BALANCE HUMAN EMPLOYEE RESOURCES DEPARTMENT
RE: MANDATORY EVACUATION DRILL
WE WILL BE CONDUCTING A MANDATORY EVACUATION DRILL ON THE FRIDAY AFTER CANDLENIGHTS. CONSULT THE ATTACHED MAP FOR YOUR EVACUATION ROUTE AND LIFE BOAT ASSIGNMENT. WHEN THE SIRENS SOUND, PLEASE GO TO YOUR LIFE BOATS IN AN ORDERLY AND TIMELY MANNER.
In the event of any loss of atmosphere, gravity, or structural integrity, you must evacuate the moon base. Otherwise you will die. Do you want to die? I’m guessing not! Maybe death is your truth, but proper safety procedures are still important!
ALL RESIDENTS OF THE MOON BASE MUST PARTICIPATE IN THE EVACUATION DRILL.
Brad Bradson
Bureau of Balance ER Dept.
“Hey, isn’t today Friday?” said Taako.
“Yeah—” Sirens interrupted Merle.
They all stared at the memo.
“Guess we should actually do this one, huh,” said Magnus.
A sort of deep, whooshing noise filled the air, and Merle, Magnus, and Taako felt themselves start to float.
“THE EVACUATION DRILL HAS BEGUN. IN THIS DRILL, WE ARE SIMULATING A CATASTROPHIC LOSS OF GRAVITY. YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES TO REACH YOUR ASSIGNED LIFE BOAT. GOOD LUCK.”
“Wheeeeee,” said Merle, flipping lazily in the air.
Magnus flailed, making some vague swimming motions. Taako sighed heavily and blinked into the ethereal realm, then blinked back into the physical plane ten feet away, then blinked out again.
“Oh, that is cheating!” cried Magnus.
“Race you!” called out Taako as he blinked back and then out again.
Magnus started swimming through the air in earnest.
“NINE MINUTES.”