Work Text:
Ellie unlocks the door and steps into her apartment with a deep sigh. She practically collapses onto the couch, sinking into the cushions.
It had been a particularly difficult day. Ellie spent it bringing clients fabric samples before having them all rejected, and her taste questioned by people who would always have more money than she could even dream of. Then, her boss had her run a last minute errand, one that had her running around like a chicken with its head cut off until she made it back to the office twenty minutes past closing time. Finally, there was a fairly sized stack of paperwork to finish before she could head home. So now she was finally back home, two hours later than usual.
She drags a hand down her face, irritated. The worst part is that she knows this isn’t over- the clients will still have to be dealt with tomorrow, and her boss will probably send her back out again. Being home is only prolonging more suffering.
Ellie just wants to stay there forever, ignoring everything. But suddenly, as her eyes flutter shut, a voice calls out to her.
“Ellie,” Tess’ voice rings out from the kitchen. “You there?”
She hates to admit it, but a bit of irritation flashes through Ellie’s body at the sound of her girlfriend’s voice. Guilt and anger aside, Ellie replies.
“Yeah.”
“Alright then,” Tess hums. “How was your day?”
“Fine,” Ellie lies.
“That’s nice. Come into the kitchen for dinner soon.”
Ellie grits her teeth and moves to get up. Every step nags at her, making her blood grow hotter until it itches beneath her skin. She hates who she becomes when she’s pissed off, but sometimes she just can’t help it.
Going into the kitchen, she sees that Tess has made chicken and rice, which is a pretty safe meal. Ellie sort of wishes she could have gotten them takeout, but in order to save money and move out they’ve been cutting back on those kinds of expenses.
With a grumble, Ellie sits and starts to eat, not even waiting for Tess. Her girlfriend sets down two glasses of water for the both of them, before sliding into her chair.
“So, how was your day?” Tess asks. Ellie looks up at her, a mouthful of chicken stuffing her cheeks. Studying her girlfriend’s expression, Ellie suspects that Tess already knows how her day’s been, and just wants Ellie to explain it to her.
But she’s not in the mood to explain it, so she just shrugs, focusing back on her food. Tess isn’t having it though, and tilts her head.
“Come on,” She says with a gentle smile. “You can tell me.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Ellie,” Tess tsks. Ellie furrows her brow.
“It went shitty, Tess,” Ellie snaps. “Of course it did, because my job sucks.” She doesn’t really mean it. Or at least, she doesn’t think so.
“You love your job, Ellie.” Tess says. “I get that your day was bad, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up.”
And Ellie knows that Tess didn’t mean it like she was actually giving up, but for some reason those words hit her hard, and suddenly all the rage that she’s been keeping inside her boils up and over, spilling out.
“Easy for you to say,” Ellie snaps. “You get to work at home all day!”
Tess flinches with offense, her eyes going wide. Then her expression morphs into one of serious hurt.
“That’s not fair,” she says, voice rising. “And you know it isn’t. I still do a lot of work even when it’s on the computer.”
“It’s not the same. I’m the one doing most of the work. Bringing home most of the money.”
“That’s not true either!” It takes a bit for Tess to lose her temper, but it seems like this argument is bringing her to the limit fairly quickly.
“It is,” Ellie groans.
“Ellie, come on. You work hard, but so do I.” Tess approaches Ellie and reaches for her hands. Ellie ignores her, turning her head.
“Doesn’t mean we’re even.” Ellie kicks her foot into the ground, feeling like a kid having a tantrum.
“Is this what you want to fight about? About the amount of work we do?”
“Maybe it is,” Ellie says, narrowing her eyes.
She can’t remember the next few minutes, but to her surprise (and partial horror), they fight. And this isn’t a playful fight, or a fight over where to eat dinner, or even a normal couple spat about normal couple things- this is the two of them yelling, Ellie trying her best to be bigger than Tess, consumed with the need to win this argument.
Ellie is certain that soon enough she’ll think about this fight and be mortified by how she let her anger consume her, but for right now, she just wants to yell, and if Tess wants to yell back, than so be it.
Eventually they get to the topic of the fight itself, which is quite ironic.
“What is the point of this, Ellie?” Tess snaps. “Why are we arguing? Because you actually have an issue with how much I work? Or because you have something else going on that you can’t talk about like a normal person?”
“There’s nothing going on. You’re distracting me.” Still, Ellie feels a hint of sadness.
Tess’s expression softens slightly.
“I know you,” she says gently. Tess leaves it at that.
That should make Ellie feel better, but she’s far beyond the point of being rational. Some final string in Ellie stretches and snaps at Tess’ words, and she clenches her fists as tight as she can.
“What do you know about me? About what I do? Nothing, that’s what.”
Without even realizing it, Ellie has raised her voice; she’s raised it so much in fact, that the last words of her yell echo around their apartment, reverberating in Ellie’s ears.
It’s only then that she realizes the damage that she’s done- the whole room has gone quiet, with her and Tess just staring at each other with a mix of emotions topped with anger. Tess is red in the face, and she’s started to tear up, eyes going glossy.
Ellie relaxes her shoulders. Truthfully, she didn’t think what she said was that bad. But Tess is staring at her with so much betrayal in her gaze that Ellie falters, almost stumbling over with the force of her guilt.
“I didn’t… Tess, I really didn’t mean that.” She steps forward, trying to reach out with a hand. But just as she is about to place it on Tess’ shoulder, her girlfriend jerks away like she’s been burned.
“I… I need some time to myself,” Tess says, stepping backwards. Then, she turns around and bolts into their bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind her.
Ellie stands with her arm reaching out in the somber silence of their apartment, just staring at the door that Tess had locked herself behind. She can’t bring herself to move, stuck in limbo there for a few minutes.
After what feels like an hour, Ellie finally decides to slam herself down onto the couch with a sigh. When she had come home from work, she had felt angry enough to kill a horse with just her hands. The anger had boiled over and left a nasty mess, and now Ellie is trapped in her own regret, wishing she had had the foresight to control her emotions before taking them out on the love of her life. She resolves to beg for Tess’ forgiveness when the other girl comes out.
Unfortunately for Ellie, Tess is locked in there for what must be an hour or two. In the stillness of the apartment, Ellie will sit and listen. There will be sounds of crying and sniffing, then silence so long that Ellie is certain Tess has fled through the window, and then more sniffing. The cycle repeats a few times, but Ellie is helpless to do anything about it, too worried about hurting Tess even more that she can’t bring herself to knock on the door.
Finally, Tess comes out. Her hair is done up in a messy bun, her eyes red and puffy. Guilt reopens the wound in Ellie’s chest. She’s certain her girlfriend will tell her she can’t do this anymore, or that she’ll leave and never come back.
But Tess doesn’t do either of those things. Instead, she moves to stand in front of Ellie, the redhead looking up to see a look of sadness but hopefulness in her eyes.
Ellie gives her a sad smile, tilting her head.
“Sit with me?” She asks.
Tess sits on the couch next to her silently. The silence remains for a few seconds, until Ellie reaches her hand out. Hesitantly, Tess takes it.
“I’m so sorry,” Ellie says, look at where their hands are interlocked. “I had a shitty day at work, and instead of dealing with it like an adult, I took it out on you, and I hurt you really bad.”
Tess remains silent.
“You shouldn’t have to accept my apology if you don’t feel comfortable,” Ellie continues. “But I’m offering it because I am genuinely, truly sorry for hurting you and demeaning you. It’s not fair to you at all. I need to change this, Tess, because if I keep on hurting you like that, then…”
She doesn’t finish that sentence, but the implication still weighs heavy.
There’s more silence as Tess thinks.
“I forgive you,” Tess says finally. “Thank you for apologizing. Really.”
Ellie smiles, and squeezes her hand.
For a minute, they sit in a comfortable silence. Something heavy still weighs over their shoulders, but it’s kind of nice knowing that they overcame one hurdle. Everytime they have an issue, Ellie is so scared it’ll be the end, but up to this point they’ve always managed to figure it out. It feels like they’re strong together.
Eventually, Ellie works up the courage to speak.
“Mind telling me exactly what hurt you?” Ellie coaxes. “When I got angry. You seemed really hurt about something in particular.”
Tess is silent. Ellie rubs her shoulder.
“Please?” She tries. Tess sighs, ignoring her gaze.
“I just… I just hate feeling like I’m not enough for you, Ellie,” Tess says, tearing up. “I always think about us and I’m worried you’d be happier with someone else. That you’d get to do everything you want to do, and that I’m holding you back.”
“Oh Tess,’ Ellie says, reaching out to lean their heads against each other. They rub together for a second, and Ellie smiles at the warmth her girlfriend emits.
“I know it’s silly,” Tess says. “I should get over these juvenile emotions.”
“There’s nothing childish about having feelings,” Ellie points out. “Besides, I just threw a tantrum like a toddler. If I can do that, then you’re allowed to be sad every once in a while.”
Tess barks out a laugh, pressing herself more firmly into Ellie’s side.
“I suppose so,” she admits. “I guess it’s just hard to go easy on myself. To let myself have good things.”
“Am I a good thing?” Ellie feels genuinely shocked by the implication, especially given that just an hour ago she was acting like a brat. Still, Tess nods.
“Even though you lost your temper, you’re still a good thing.” Her face flushes. “In fact, you’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”
Ellie is overcome with feelings of affection, and she squeezes Tess right like the other girl might run away. The regret from the fight is still there, but it’s overwhelmed by the strongest feeling of love, and by the desire to do better. Ellie swears to herself that she will be as good as Tess thinks that she is, even if it means that she has to turn her whole life around. For Tess, she can do it.
She falls asleep with Tess in her arms, as she usually does. Tonight, she clutches her a little bit closer. The last thing that Ellie remembers before falling asleep is whispering another apology into Tess’ long, black hair.