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He’d talked himself out of love with her more times than he could count. She’s not yours to want like this. Stop. He couldn’t help it. He’d tried to create distance: be professional, be cool and detached, he’d even distracted himself with superficial relationships the past few years but his heart was never in them, he was phoning it in and he knew it. And then there’d be days where her intellect, her eloquent way of expressing herself and her fun playful nature just reverberated through his carefully manufactured defences.
She’s didn’t seduce him on purpose. He knew this. She never had to. Christina just existing in his vicinity was always a force of nature. And he had the crystal clear clarity to recognize he’d be tied to her forever. Their names perpetually next to one another in academic journals, textbooks, documentaries; footnotes throughout time.
A temperate autumn morning at Johnson Space Center found them in a briefing for Artemis III, in a windowless room a few degrees too cool, she sat a seat over and a row in front of him next to the recently returned to earth Jessica Meir. Her hair was straightened today, her pale turquoise backpack slung over her chair back, she leaned in attentively perched on an elbow in a charcoal coloured artemis program fleece sweater, her notebook open, a pen in her hand. Jessica was reclined back, a curly top knot on her head and adorned in a blue expedition 74 t-shirt, occasionally flashing her eyes back to Reid from her reclined position. Nothing slipped past Meir. He didn’t know if it was her background in biology, years of studying animals in extreme conditions (of which Reid felt analogous to) or if it was simply because she was currently hyper vigilant because she was raising a 4 year old.
He wasn’t watching the slideshow, he was staring at the way Christina had just tucked her hair behind her ear, a minute earlier he’d been watching the way her strong shoulders rose and fell with her gentle concentrated breaths. Meir had called out his behaviour on campus grounds not long after she’d returned from the ISS. The words echoed in his head every now and then.
“I watched the live stream Reid, the world watched the live stream. Bob watched the live stream. I need you to be careful with her.” She’d riffled off frustrated.
“She’s my crewmate Jess, I care about her. That’s all.” He’d stuttered.
“Keep telling yourself that Wiseman,” she’d said it without much humour, walking two paces away from him hastily before turning back “Look, I know she doesn’t make it easy. But you have to try. Love her enough to leave her alone Reid.” she sighed sympathetically.
He’d looked down at the ground before nodding once. She’d closed the distance walking back to squeeze his shoulder.
Ultimately that chat three weeks ago had done little to assuage his feelings. He still found everything she did compelling, deep attraction filled his veins any time she did anything.
They were going to have a farewell dinner for Jeremy next weekend. He was already concerned about seeing her extracurricularly. He’d find a way to sit next to her at dinner, use every opportunity to get close, sling an arm over her shoulder, press his thigh into hers at the table, lean in close to her ear, run a palm over her knee. She wouldn’t stop him, she never did. He knew she didn’t want him to. He wouldn’t heed Jessica’s advice, he’d still approach her with the same unrequited longing he always had.
Even now, at least 45 minutes into the Artemis III briefing du jour the only thing he could recount, if asked, was how many times Christina tucked her hair behind her ear.