Chapter Text
Jude was on the pitch of the World Cup for the first time after thinking he wouldn’t be able to play again four years ago. He thought that, after disappearing for a year, people would have forgotten about the young English player, but the truth was that everyone (the press and the people) seemed to be happy about his comeback. There were questions of course, everyone wanted to know where he had gone, being only 19 and with his career taking off. He avoided the questions with charm and bright smiles, but the secret that he was carrying felt heavy on his heart. How could such a blessing be hidden from the world? Only Jude’s family knew where he went and why.
Nine months after Erling Haaland left to play in the Manchester City, a blueyed baby was born from Jude’s womb, and only one life was changed, only one career was stopped. If you asked Jude, he’d tell you that he didn’t regret it at all. But there were nights where he wished for a companion, someone to embrace him after a long day chasing after a restless kid. Someone to tell him everything will be alright when the kid got a really bad flu. And overall, someone to share a family with.
Yes, he had a family of his own, a mother that fussed over him and his baby with extreme tenderness, a father that took care of both of them with all his might and a brother that spoiled his baby rotten. But when the sun went down and he was left alone in a cold bed, way too big for just himself, his body ached for the type of love he once had, and forever lost. Of course, he would never do that to him. The only person that he had ever loved, and the one who left more than memories for Jude to remember him when he was gone. Jude is determined to never tell the truth to Erling, even if it means his baby will grow up without one of his parents. That was a decision he took long ago.
–
Everyday for the past three weeks had been a nightmare. Ever since Erling left, Jude’s body seemed to somatize what his mind went through by giving him endless nausea. They still messaged everyday, but it was not enough, not for Jude. Something inside him constantly called out for the alpha, and even though Jude knew he was in love, he hadn't really known how much until he wasn’t there anymore.
His phone went off on the nightstand beside his bed, and he immediately knew who was trying to reach him.
Erl <3
how are you feeling today, sunshine?
He had talked to Erling all about his nausea, about the vomiting everyday, and how sore his body felt. Both of them blamed it on the rough season they had just finished, but Jude knew it wasn’t just that.
Jude
like shit tbh
Erl <3
You should go to the doctor yk
it’s been too many days
that’s not normal
Jude
booooooooo
you sound just like my mom
Erl <3
good
she’s a wise woman
listen to her
Jude
im rolling my eyes at ur text right now btw
The thing is, Jude knew what was wrong with him. His body just missed Erling so much that he got sick. But hearing (or reading) the alpha’s concern made him want to check, just for everyone to stop fussing over him. He was perfectly fine. So two days later he agreed to visit his family doctor.
“Good morning Mr Bellingham, what brings you here today?” The doctor greeted once he was sitting across from him.
“Not much, I’ve been having a lot of nausea lately and my mom insisted on me coming here, I don’t think it’s a big deal”
“Well, let’s make sure it’s not then”
The doctor then started making protocolary questions, things about football, about his training schedule, about the things he ate, nothing to worry about, until a question that made the alarms on Judes head go off:
“When was your last heat?”
His head started spinning in circles, his last heat had been during the last matches of the season, approximately a month ago, which meant that the next one should have already started. This didn’t have to mean anything, but he looked at his phone screen and saw a notification from a week ago that read Your heat is about to start!, he had ignored it, like any other time, not because he didn’t care, but because he usually felt the heat coming from the beginning, he didn’t really need an app to warn him about this.
He had to swallow the lump in his throat to answer.
“Last month” the doctor stopped looking at the screen in front of her and looked at Jude before speaking.
“Okay, let’s do a pregnancy test just to be sure” her voice was soft, and tried to be warm, she was a young omega, just like him, so she was probably trying to make him feel safe. But nothing about that statement was safe, it was like a bucket of cold water being dumped in his head.
“I’m not pregnant” he tried to sound firm, but his voice cracked at the end. He saw the way her eyes acknowledged his fear, and her hand reached to touch his with the trust of a big sister.
“It’s okay, we’re just going to make sure” he felt her scent, and knew she was trying to calm him down. Jude wished he could smell the siberian pine and eucalyptus that helped him go through every match, and that was too far away from him right now.
He was led to the hospital’s bathroom with a pregnancy test on his hand. His brain still couldn’t comprehend what was happening. The five minutes after peeing into the cup felt like an eternity. His phone buzzed twice and he knew it was Erling, but even if that was the only person he wanted to talk to right now, he knew he couldn’t worry him before knowing the result. The thing is, Jude was now sure, the test would come out positive.
Trying to occupy his mind in something else, he opened Erling’s chat.
Erl <3
everything okay at the hospital?
you’re taking very long
text me when you finish
He could never understand how he got to have such a sweet person by his side. Someone to treat him like he was this precious thing that needed protection. If the test was positive his life would forever be changed.
Seating on top of the toilet, with trembling hands, he took a look at the test. The result didn’t surprise him, but that didn’t mean he took it calmly. Tears started running down his face. He had to tell Erling, he had to call him and say that he was pregnant, that they had been reckless and the consequences had arrived.
I’m pregnant.
He typed it. But seeing the word written there made him feel so nauseous he had to grip the sides of the toilet even though he was already sitting. The word felt like an insult, like the universe was mocking him. How could he, a nineteen year old football promise, be pregnant? And even worse than that, how could he break the news to the alpha on the other side of the line?
He didn’t send the text, it seemed too blunt, too out of touch. If he was going to do this, he would do it, at least over a phone call, not a two word text. His finger hovered over the call button, and he pressed it before regretting it. Erling picked up immediately, as if he was waiting by the line, to hear from the omega. He probably was.
“Hey, is everything okay? What did the doctors say?” concern shown through his voice, and Jude’s breath got caught in his throat.
“I’m…” His voice wavered as the memory of Erling’s departure hit him like a train. The spark in his eyes facing this new stage of his life. An opportunity in a million that Jude knew Erling would throw away without hesitation if he knew about his pregnancy. He would get on the first plane back to Germany, and say that football wasn’t that important anyway. And Jude would hate himself for it.
“What’s going on, Jude? you’re scaring me” He realized he went quiet for too long when the alpha’s voice brought him back to reality. If he was going to say it, it was now or never. The thing is, Erling will come, he will choose a little family over his childhood dream, and Jude couldn't be the one stealing that from him. He swore he could hear Erling’s voice in his head, saying everything will be fine, that they’d figure it out together. The headlines about a young couple of football players that ruined their career over a stupid mistake. He couldn’t bear it, he won’t make the alpha go through all of that.
So really, when he heard Erling’s voice so concerned, he already knew what he was going to say. Breathing through the nausea and with one hand pressed flat against his stomach as if that could protect his little secret from the world, he spoke again.
“I’m fine Erling” he forced a chuckle out of him, tried to laugh it off, so the alpha wouldn’t be concerned “The doctor said I’m probably just tired from all the running we did this season” the lie fell easy from his lips once he knew he was doing it for the person he loved.
“Thank God, I was kind of panicking over here” Erling said and Jude could actually hear the relief in his voice “Just go home and get some rest, love you”
“I will, love you too” The words felt now sour in his mouth, they tested differently than they did before.
Before Erling had left they knew big changes were coming. They wouldn’t be playing in the same team anymore, not even in the same country. But they had a plan, they had it figured out. An entire scheme consisting in plane tickets and weekend escapades every time their schedule aligned. Yes, only texting would be hard, but they loved each other so they were willing to do anything to stick together, and that was the problem.
Not that Erling wouldn’t choose him.
That he would.
And Jude felt like if he told Erling, he would deprive him from a brilliant future, so he pushed his selfishness aside for once.
When he got out of the bathroom, with wet cheeks and redrimmed eyes he met the doctor’s face and encountered a look that he would eventually get used to during the pregnancy: pity. He ran out of the building before the walls could trap him there, and was quickly embraced by his mother, who was waiting for him in the parking lot. Her voice as sweet as uncertain when he blurted the news out. She cursed her hands through his back, like when he was a baby and whispered kind words until the tears stopped streaming.
The ride back home was silent. His mom tried to make him talk, but words were refusing to come out of his mouth. Everything around him felt oppressing, the air felt heavy, and emotions ran deep through his mind and body. He had to let Erling go now, they couldn’t be together if Jude didn’t want him to find out about the pregnancy.
And that’s what he did. His texts started to be scarce and dry. He started picking up fights over meaningless things. What finally did it was a call, a month after, fighting over the phone. Jude didn’t even remember what he had said this time to start it, but he’ll always remember the last words they interchanged:
“Lately it seems like you don’t want to do this anymore” Erling’s voice sounded exasperated, tired of Jude’s tantrums over nothing. He perfectly knew what Erling meant by this, this long distance relationship thing they bowed to make work. Without knowing, he was giving the omega a perfect opportunity to break things off, once and for all.
“Well maybe I don’t” he forced the venom out of his mouth, praying for the alpha to give up instantly.
“Don’t say that Jude” his voice sounded so hurt, Jude had to hold back tears “You don’t have to be mean, we can work this out” He should’ve known better. Should’ve known this kindhearted alpha wouldn’t give up on him so easily, so he knew he had to say the worst thing possible, so Erling could go back to his brilliant future, and Jude to his practically teen pregnancy.
“I don’t want to work this out”
“What do you mean, Jude? You’re driving me insane over here” if Jude didn’t know better, he’d say Erling was about to cry.
“It means exactly that, don’t make me say it”
“C’mon, don’t be like that, I love you Jude, we can work this out like we always do” his voice was almost pleading. Jude knew he had to hang up immediately or he’ll start crying right away. If Erling had shouted this wouldn’t be so difficult, if he felt anger towards the younger player. It was at a moment like this that Jude wished for Erling to be a little mean, to call him dramatic or selfish, saying that he was overreacting. Instead, the alpha showed what he always did throughout their relationship: nothing but love and comprehension.
“Don’t” he whispered, and his voice trembled a little, he was not made of steel after all.
“Don’t what?” his voice sounded so lost, Jude almost regretted doing this in the first place.
“Don’t say you love me like that”
The line was silent for a few seconds, he could hear Erling’s breathing.
“Jude…” a pause and an inhale later “ what’s going on?”
His brain screamed for him to say it, to stop this nonsense and just say the truth. That he also loved him and that he was sorry for ruining his chances of making it big by getting pregnant. Instead, he blurted the words he knew would end the alpha.
“Maybe I don’t love you anymore” the line went silent for a second. Then he heard a small broken sound that resembled a laugh.
“You don’t mean that” Apparently he was not so good at hiding it like he thought. He had to bite the inside of his cheeks to hide the sob that was coming out of him.
“I do”
“Jude”
“I do”
There was another moment of silence. One that felt heavy, and where Jude held onto the line as much as he could, knowing this would be the last time he’d ever call Erling.
“Then why do you sound like you’re crying” the voice was too quiet, too warm. Jude couldn’t stand it anymore, so before crying ridiculously before the man he was trying to trick into thinking he didn’t love anymore, he hung up.
The phone slipped from his hands, and he slid to the floor, his back pressing to the cold wall, crying his lungs out, and holding his stomach, protecting the life that was forming inside him from his own feelings.
–
After that, he abandoned football and disappeared from the public eye for a year. The press wondered where he was, but when he was sent to Real Madrid, people stopped asking where he went. He never answered another text from Erling, and despite the ache in his heart, he was glad. The alpha deserved the career, the glory, and the fame. A year after his baby was born, he determined himself to get back to football, and he did, professionally. He started to train harder than he did before, he got his body from before the pregnancy back, and eventually the official England team for the World Cup contacted him. He knew Erling was playing for Norway, and even if it meant that he would have to face the alpha after all these years, and all the secrets he kept, he couldn’t say no. Football was everything he knew, his safe place even before presenting as an omega. Where he went every time he wanted to clear his mind.
So now here he was, having just played his first match in the world cup. Against Croatia this time, the team scored 4 goals, one of which was his. The pride that filled his chest was inexplicable. This was fuel to his body, and seeing his boy smiling from the crowd, cheering his dad like no other, he knew he made the right choice coming here.
He couldn’t stop his mind from drifting back to a certain blonde alpha that had grown his hair long and had played just a day before him against Iraq. Who had scored two amazing goals, and looked so different after all these years, with his baby fat now gone from his face. Sharp lines now, resembling the strong alpha he was. He seemed to have grown into his body, carrying his height much more comfortably now. He wondered if Erling had already found an omega to settle with, wondered if it was easy to forget about him, while he had to carry his child.
England then played against Panamá, DR Congo and Mexico, making it through to the quarter finals along with Norway. This result sent Jude’s heart into a frenzy, his head started to think immediately in excuses to not go to the game. He thought about begging Tuchel to leave him on the bench for this match until his brother talked him out of it.
He had six days.
Six days to train to his best abilities and try to come to terms with the fact that the first time he’ll see his baby’s other dad after four years was playing against each other in front of a sea of people. And his baby, his Freyr, would see his dad in person for the first time without even knowing who it was.
–
Even though Erling played for an English team, he knew he wanted to play for Norway on the World Cup because of two simple reasons:
Because he wanted to represent the country he was raised in.
Jude Bellingham, his personal nightmare.
He couldn’t stand to think that after four years, he would have to play along the omega that shattered his heart like glass once again. That he would have to pretend in front of the cameras that he didn’t hate his guts for how he ended things. And really, Erling thought back then that the omega was hiding something bigger from him, that maybe he missed him too much. That the distance was unbearable, but that theory was discarded fast when he kept texting and calling him, begging to talk things out, and never got an answer. He was young and naive, and thought that loving someone was enough for that someone to stay. He would be lying if he said he never thought about Jude again.
He thought about Jude all the time, the young player that had stolen his heart from the first time they’ve seen each other. His first love. It was hard, breaking up with him like he did. Understanding that the other wanted nothing to do with him. He spent a whole year trying to wrap his head around it. He kept checking his phone, just in case the omega had suddenly changed his mind and wanted to apologize. If he wrote in that time, he would forgive him right away. The first year was also difficult because Jude had seemed to vanish from earth, he couldn’t get a grasp from him through anyone. He even texted Jobe, worried, and was left on seen by the omega’s younger brother. It seemed that he could go lower than he already had. And then, when he thought he had forgotten about him, he was back on the field, playing for Real Madrid nonetheless. A team Jude had always looked up to.
He was happy for him overall, but couldn’t control the turmoil of feeling tangling inside him. He wanted to be happy for the person he once knew and loved, but remembering how things ended, he wondered if that person had even existed.
Now, unfortunately, he was facing the Real Madrid player in the quarter finals. A match that would define if Norway was going home or not. In reality, he knows that what he has done for Norway this World Cup is already huge, no matter the outcome of this game. But the irrational part of his brain tells him that he has to beat England.
He has to beat Jude, and see if that will make him feel any satisfaction.
He had six days to train like crazy with his teammates and prepare strategies. Six days until he’s face to face with the man that had appeared in his every insecurity during these four years.