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Crash was unsure what to do with Grayson. Not that he was upset- he just felt misplaced. It had been a couple of days after the crew crashed onto the beach. Kaino, Russell and Llessur had gone to recoup after everything that had happened. The other two, however, had gone on their own separate recovery to give the college kids some space. They chose to go to a hotel in Breakwater for the next couple days. It was a quick decision suggested by the practical Russell, which Grayson chose without second thought. It was certainly different that it was so easy for Grayson to choose things now.
“I’m sure they have a great complimentary breakfast,” Crash yammered while noticing the hallway's tacky seashell decor. “Which will be especially nice, since we’ve been eating nothing but fish for a very long time.” He said, hand to his hip. “But you already know that, huh.”
God, am I talking too much? Crash thought. Grayson must be so upset after everything... Vaez, Mayeli... Cornell.
And our HOUSE. Crash winced at that one, remembering the exact sound when their home was crushed by the giant fish monster. He started to consider that neither of them had really talked about that. Their research was essentially complete, so their purpose of moving in together felt useless now. Not that I don't want to live with him anymore. He actually felt quite nervous that there was a different option now.
He watched as Grayson took out the key in a single elegant motion. He swiped it so quickly that the door almost swung open by itself.
The two walked into the salty smelling room, which assumably was scented by the nature of being an ocean themed hostel, or by a very unfortunate candle choice. Grayson made a face and stopped to stare. “Yeah, smells like something died in here-“ Crash began to say before realizing what he was actually staring at.
The single bed in the room. Shit.
It’s not like they weren’t used to living together. It’s just that Crash had the bottom bunk.
The two stayed quiet for a moment before Crash cleared his throat rather dramatically. “Short notice room, huh?”
Grayson looked at him, raising a brow. This single action was a double-punch, as Crash was still getting used to him having expressions at all, nonetheless smug ones.
“So, uh,” He sat down on the bed, then bounced it a little to get a feel of its comfortability. “Do you like cable SeaV? This town seems sorta, and not to be rude- but somewhere that wouldn’t receive many channels.” Grayson did not make any sort of reply, but instead put his palm into Crash's hand, slotting him painkillers that he must’ve bought from the hotel store when Crash wasn’t looking. Then, just as quickly, he disappeared into the bathroom to shower.
Crash watched dumbfounded. Oh, I didn't realize I had a headache.
After a bit, Grayson stepped out of the shower with his hair rung up in a towel. Crash sat on the bed, not really moving much besides the obvious display of some unpacking on the floor (How else would Crash choose between the two t-shirts he bought from the next door gas station?)
“Hi.” Crash said, and for the first time ever, Grayson smiled at him as a greeting. He felt his whole body fall apart, then cleared his throat. “Water warm?” What the fuck are you asking?
Grayson sat down next to him, then made an expression that indicated that yes, Grayson is also wondering what Crash is asking.
“I mean, I’m sure the shower was nice since… you know,” Crash felt his words die in his mouth. “the ocean.”
He watched as Grayson started to rustle thru his bag. After grabbing something, he took off his shirt to change while Crash found some very interesting ceiling tile to look at.
He turned back to see that Grayson was now in a comfortable hoodie that said “BREAKWATER” in big printed letters.
The dull hum of the shitty fan whirred in the background as the room fell quiet. He could hear crickets outside in some bushes. Crash thought about how he would need to get some complimentary ice before tomorrow so Grayson would have cold water during lunch. He started wondering what lunch would be. What would Grayson’s favorite foods be now?
Oh, Grayson was staring at him.
“Are you…” Crash began, “tired?”
Grayson shook his head once.
Crash felt like he was seeing something he shouldn’t. Like Grayson had unpeeled his skin in front of him, and he must look away before he sees the cartilage and exposed veins. It was some sick fascination, he concluded, that made it so he couldn't tear his eyes away. Every slight change in Grayson's jaw, the quickness of his blinking- he couldn't stop. He was a researcher. It was his job to be curious... he felt a wave of guilt wash over him.
What gave him the right to see Grayson’s true emotions before he even got to feel them properly again?
“Crazy day, huh?”
Grayson nodded.
“How are you feeling?”
Grayson took a second to map out his hands, remembering how people normally gesture, then gave a thumbs up. Which after a second, morphed into a flat-handed “eh.” Every gesture felt so purposeful, rigid- practiced.
Crash begged himself to think of something to talk about. Geez, you’ve been wondering about this guy for a billion years and now that he can finally communicate, nothing comes to mind?
Grayson pointed at him, then changed his hand to a thumbs up and a questioning look.
“Oh, yeah, I’m good.” Crash coughed. “I mean, I’m exhausted, but I’m good. He paused, “I’m just really glad you’re finally free, of all of it, I mean.”
Grayson smiled. The room waded into another silence as Crash felt his chest buzz.
Grayson then jumped, realizing. Crash also jumped, but because he was startled. “THE FUCK?” He yelped. Grayson grabbed for the end-table, looking for something. He couldn’t find it, then started rustling through his own bag, then Crash’s. He landed on a small notebook. “Oh, dude, if you wanted to read my diary you just had to ask.” Grayson shot him a glare, then grabbed a pen.
He began furiously writing.
“Oh,” Crash breathed. “Oh fuck.”
Grayson handed him them book, and Crash felt like he was going to faint seeing just the remnants of Grayson’s pen. That was ink… right on that page. He hadn't ever seen his handwriting before. Was it going to be pretty? Rushed? Holy shit, that's his handwriting- that’s-
illegible. It looked like chicken scratch. Grayson watched him with the biggest eyes possible before Crash turned the notebook upside down, trying to read it. Grayson huffed angrily and snatched the notebook away. “Hey! No grabby!” He whined.
Of course Grayson’s handwriting would’ve become sloppy- he was writing for just himself! Why would he try making it legible for an audience that couldn’t read it? He returned the notebook again after a much longer second, this time etched carefully like carvings on pottery. It was incredibly purposeful and incredibly stiff.
“Hi … Crash.” Crash read out loud slowly, like a puzzle. Grayson grinned, like the cogs in his head had finally finished it’s process.
“Hi Grayson!” Crash beamed.
They both smiled at each other for a moment, giddy, before Grayson took it again.
“Ask me.” He read carefully, which he blinked at. “Oh, like ask you anything?”
Grayson nodded.
Oh, Jesus. No pressure Crash, just that you can now know everything about this man that you thought you knew for the past 15 years. What if he didn’t even know Grayson? What if he misunderstood? What if he was doing this all wrong? There was nothing stopping Grayson from telling him whatever he wanted- and for some reason that terrified him.
He also may have noticed that Crash was… crashing out. He took the notebook back, then scribbled again.
“Just me.” Crash read.
Grayson watched him with a gentle expression. Crash had been trained in gathering information in the subtlest of things, such as examining his eyes. They say that the biggest teller is someone’s eyes.
But, the only thing that Crash could could see now was his own reflection.
“Okay,” Crash said distantly.
...
Crash leaned back a little to think.
“Do you even like the ocean?”
Grayson wrote, “Once.”
“Geez, yeah. I thought it would be a nice getaway from my band breaking up. Didn’t think I’d get trapped down there.”
Grayson nodded with solidarity, then wrote, “Scary fish.”
“Dude,” Crash leaned in with a theatric laugh, “you’re telling me!”
“I am.” Grayson wrote.
Crash smiled. Things felt more normal for a second, which he relished in. Then It got quiet again.
“Um,” he coughed, “-how are you feeling about Vaez? And Mayeli?”
“Sad.”
“Yeah, me too.” Crash sighed.
“Vaez good kid.”
Crash let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. I wish I knew him longer. I wish I knew Mayeli at all, too. Crash figured that he held a deeper grief even then, one that felt similar to knowing her, because Vaez had loved her so much. He felt a little nauseous thinking about it all. It still didn't feel real.
“Mayeli angler fish?” Grayson held up, confused.
“Yeah- that’s what I thought too! She had the lure for it.”
“Angler fish.” Grayson tapped the words and nodded, conclusive.
…
“I can NOT believe it was you the whole time.” Crash said, leaning playfully on Grayson a little. “I mean, William seemed like the obvious choice. He was so prone to changing those paintings in the hallway, and he’s the goddamn owner of the clinic!”
Grayson smiled.
“What’s with you and giraffes anyway?”
“Funny horse.” Grayson wrote.
“Yeah, fair enough.” Crash yawned to the point of his eyes watering.
“Good night?”
“Oh, already?” Crash mumbled like a put-off toddler.
“I am tired.” Grayson added.
“I don’t see you yawning. Hell, have I ever seen you yawn?"
“Yawn is talk.” Grayson wrote and tapped it twice.
“Oh my god,” Crash realized dumbfounded, “I have never seen you yawn.”
Grayson nodded once. “I will yawn some time.”
“Okay, I look forward to it.” Crash turned off his side table’s light, then didn’t realize the weight of his words til he looked back to Grayson.
Grayson’s eyes were watering, not from yawning this time, but rather emotion. Crash froze and began to stick out his hand before pulling back.
“Me too.” He wrote.
…
Crash was pretty sure that Grayson was a good distance away from him in the bed. Though, he wasn’t sure because Grayson made no noise when he slept and that Crash couldn’t lift his eyelids. He was weirdly scared.
What if he opened his eyes and Grayson was doing some really embarrassing expression that he shouldn’t be seeing? Or what if he was going to think Crash was a creep for looking at him while sleeping? Or what if he won’t be there when I open my eyes?
No, there was no way that Crash would risk that. He rolled over to face the wall and looked at the wall instead. He exhaled with relief.
Man, he wondered if Grayson had ever slept in the same bed as someone else. Cornell, maybe? He stiffened at the thought. Crash had to give Grayson as much space as he could, he could NOT make him uncomfortable.
…
Crash woke up to an arm wrapped around his side. He blinked twice, processing. “Oh my fuck.” He whispered, then cleared his throat.
Is Grayson asleep?
He looked over his shoulder to see the other’s eyes closed. He sighed with relief. Sleeping like a baby. Crash noted that actually, he looked a lot closer to a sleeping lamb. His hair is so pretty.
Grayson then nuzzled his face into Crash’s back, stealing most of his warmth along with it. He felt his soul leave his body.
I guess I wouldn’t have known if Grayson liked physical touch, since that’s a form of communication too. That fucking blows.
Or I mean, it sucks for Grayson, for his sake. Not that I wanted to know that. Crash quickly thought. I mean, I do want to know, obviously, but-
Grayson stretched absently, which startled Crash so badly that he felt out of the bed. He sat up quickly and looked down to the very prone-looking Crash.
“I’m okay!” He laughed awkwardly, which he found that he had been doing a lot recently. “They don’t call me Crash for nothing.”
Grayson smiled for participation points, then stood up to start his morning routine. He knew that the sun wouldn’t rise without Grayson’s efficient morning routine.
He watched him go.
It was like he was a completely different person. Or maybe I'm just starting to meet him?
---
Crash figured out a couple things about Grayson when they tried to go grocery shopping. One, he’s not a fan of the bright lights of the store. Two, he approaches each aisle methodically in a very precise system, sort of like a puzzle. And three, he does get really excited about things. On the way to the store, someone was walking their golden retriever. Grayson grabbed Crash like he was going to die, then shook him equally as urgent.
“Are you going to throw up or something?!” Crash panicked.
Grayson made intense eye contact towards the dog, and Crash sighed with relief. The two then walked over and awkwardly asked to pet the happy puppy. He imagined that Grayson hadn’t seen a dog for a long, long time.
While both of them worked at the Mansfield Clinic, Grayson certainly worked there for longer. He had spent more time living underwater than above it. Crash frowned thinking about it as Grayson gave the dog a kiss on the head.
The grocery store itself was sort of a nightmare for Grayson, he just wasn’t used to it.
Crash put a jar of peanut butter in the basket as the other scanned the cereal shelf. He picked up a box, scowling at the seal mascot that smiled almost feverishly on the cover. Crash came over to gingerly replace the box with some plain granola, which Grayson accepted cautiously.
The two started checking out with a very cheerful cashier.
“Are y’all visiting?”
“Sort of!” Crash said, entirely unsure how to answer that question. Did he live here now? He never expected to live in a small town.
“Did ya hear about what’s been happening ‘round ‘ere? I’ll give ya some local gossip if you round up for charity.” She winked, giving a possibly genuine smile.
“Sure,” Crash pulled out his wallet- which he then realized that he might need to start performing for cash again.
“Two kids went missing recently.” She said as Crash’s breath hitched. Grayson, who had been looking at the difference between peppermint and spearmint gum, froze.
“Yah, sad thing really.” She rustled in the till. “Som’ people are sayin’ it was murder. But, I think they just got lost. Dumb kids always goin’ missing in the woods or in caves, ya know?”
Crash nodded stiffly.
“Ay, we’re a good town though. Don’t let my ghost stories stop ya’ from enjoying your visit.”
“Thanks,” Crash choked out. “Sorry to hear that.”
She paused, looking at Crash a little longer than he’d like. For a second, he thought she would start yelling about how he and Grayson were somehow the murderers. What were the chances that she was talking about Vaez and Mayeli, anyways? Very slim, probably as slim as a CD or vinyl. He coughed, realizing they had been staring at each other.
“Well, enjoy yur’ stay.” She said, handing Crash a receipt.
Grayson grabbed the bags and began speed walking out the store, Crash closely behind.
…
It was quieter than usual on the walk back. Or well, it had been quieter than usual already, but it was even quieter than that now. It was driving Crash crazy that he had no idea how to talk to Grayson anymore- this was the easiest person he could ever talk to. Was he losing his touch? Had he ever had it?
Grayson turned sharply right, which was certainly not the way to the hotel. “Hey Gray? I think we don’t turn for a bit more-” He began following at a faster pace, now a little worried.
He stepped right into a park, almost ramming into Grayson, who was standing and watching. Crash, now adjusting himself and his two grocery bags, saw that Grayson was staring at someone playing music. Someones, actually. A group of tieflings on the park’s stage were playing some sort of soft, guitar-focused song. He must’ve heard it before I did.
Grayson looked over to gauge whether or not Crash was excited about this detour, which he was pleased to see that his guess was correct. The two sat on a bench. The sun was right before setting, where it was laying dapples of sunlight onto the grass. If you disregard most things considered, this was a perfect evening. How can you enjoy this when everything sounds like funeral music?
Crash didn’t realize that while he was lost in thought, Grayson had written something on a notebook he bought at the store.
“Say what you would say to them.”
Crash looked at him, almost beside himself. Grayson always knew him so well, like mind reading. He looked up at the trees, seeing the gaps in the branches.
“Do you think they can hear us?” Crash choked, then straightened.
“Belief is trust.”
It felt silly. It felt pathetic. It felt like he let two college kids die before they even had a chance at having a future. It felt like he was a murderer.
“I’m sorry.” He said a little above a whisper. “I couldn’t even be there when you… chose it. I didn’t even really know either of you.” He paused, then started rubbing his arm. “I would have liked to.”
He side eyed Grayson, who was in fact staring at him unashamedly. He kept going.
“I don’t know how I’m going to wake up every morning and pretend everything is normal. I wish I had asked you both more. I wish I had known that this was the future. I would’ve done something differently.”
He slumped farther onto the bench.
“I hope you’re both happy right now. I hope that you can still eat good sandwiches and Cookie’s keeping you company. I’m sure he is. Grayson always indicated that he was a great companion.”
Grayson nodded solemnly.
“Please know that I’m going to spend the rest of my life making sure your sacrifice was worth it. Whatever that may mean.”
It went quiet as that hung in the air.
Crash watched the band in the park. He missed being young and performing, he missed being so carefree. He put his head in his hands and Grayson looked at him with concern.
“Gray, I don’t know how to be a dad. I don’t even know how to feed myself sometimes.”
“How was your dad?”
“My dad was fine. He didn’t want me to let my hair grow white. I let it anyway. Kaino is doing that right now. I don’t have anything else!”
Grayson smiled sympathetically.
“How did you learn music?”
“Some of it came naturally. Some of it was practiced til my hands fell off."
Grayson gave him a look, not needing to say anything else.
“Okay smartass, point taken.”
They sat like that for a while before realizing that their milk was going to spoil if they didn’t get going. It was a lighter walk back now, Grayson learned a lot about Crash’s dad. He had a lot of weird hobbies, like making diagrams of places he saw in his dreams and making real life maps by hand. Their normal was changing, but Crash was minding it less.
…
After a mediocre dinner, Crash tried to phrase it very gently.
“So, uh, you hit Cornell in the nose.”
Grayson nodded without much change of expression.
“How are you… feeling about Cornell?”
Grayson grabbed the dishes (empty microwavable plastic tins) and moved them to the kitchen trash. He came back after washing his hands, then began writing again.
“Felt guilty after hitting him and then remembered he deserved it.”
“Yeah… I know you’ve told me through painting before, but now that you can write… is there anything else you want to talk about?”
“I loved him.” Crash felt a heavy wave of… something.
“He would tell me everything and I would listen. He got angry and I calmed him. I got sad and he helped me. He was scared and I was too.”
Grayson paused, just reading his own writing.
“Do not love someone just because you are scared.”
Crash didn’t know what to say, again. Grayson began writing the longest thing he could manage, which took him almost a half hour to finish.
“One day he kissed me and I kissed him. Because I believed everything he would say. He told me that we would run away together. He told me that I could get rid of Ethos. I think he was scared of me more than I was of him. It was kind of thrilling.
Weeks before the ship crashed, I hurt him so bad that he had a scar.”
Grayson pointed from the top of his chest to the bottom of his waist.
“I felt so bad. I still do.
But I had no way else to get him to stop.”
Grayson put down the notebook, tears welling in his eyes.
Crash, ever bright, had to ask, “Stop what?”
Grayson looked away, almost ashamed.
“Oh.” Oh. “Gray, that’s… not your fault.”
Crash did not know what else to say but to reach out his hands, which Grayson took almost instantly. Crash pulled him into a hug, which made him cry even harder. Crash had never heard what it sounded like when he cried, it broke his heart so completely that he had no idea what to do. He almost whimpered into Crash’s shoulder, wounded like a hurt animal.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He whispered.
He took a breath, then wrote,
“He cannot take anything else from me now. I am never going to see him again.”
…
The rest of the evening was easier. Crash took a shower while Grayson read a book he got from a library. The two brushed their teeth together while Crash talked about what he liked most above water. Grayson listened as he always did, but Crash knew he liked it more this time, as he couldn’t stop smiling.
It was almost ridiculous how much Grayson smiled at Crash. It was not overly theatrical or overwhelming, just a light ambient smile. It made Crash feel like he could do anything, which he wasn’t quite sure what to do with.
He wasn’t quite sure what to do with any of this, really.
He wasn’t known for having a very stable, nor predictable life. He went on tours, made a lot of bad decisions and ended up in so many different places. But, this was the thing he stuck with the longest. He’s stayed with Grayson longer than anyone else.
He had to get ready to say goodbye to that. He knew Grayson wanted a fresh start. He knew Kaino was most likely going off with Russell. Crash had to… find something else to do. That’s okay. He knew that was okay.
He stared up at the ceiling while Grayson finished tidying up the kitchen. He was practicing everything in his head.
Grayson came back finally, then laid down beside Crash, sheepishly moving the covers. It was cozy in the hotel bed.
“Hey, Grayson,”
He looked over to Crash like it was the easiest thing in the world. Crash felt his heart in his throat.
“I just want you to know that… whatever you choose to do, I’m really happy for you. You finally got out of it, you know?”
Grayson stopped breathing, staring wide eyed.
“You’re a smart guy.” He said almost to himself. “I…” He began, losing his words. Shit.
“I know our project is done. I don’t want you to feel like you have to start a new one with me right away. If that’s not what you want to do.”
Grayson half sat up, clearly alarmed. He started shaking his head, no.
Crash felt his heart plummet. He doesn’t want to, that’s okay.
I just … if this is it, I have to know.
He took a large inhale, then felt every nerve of his body buzz with electricity.
“Do you remember what they said? When we were back at the festival in the weird mind fuckery place?”
lockinlockinlockinlockinohmygodLOCKTHEFUCKIN
“They said, uh, that we were dating. And you laughed. And I was almost so confused that I convinced myself that it wasn’t you- I had never heard you laugh before, by the way.”
Grayson sat up fully.
“I know it would be ridiculous to you, for us to date, obviously. What am I saying, ha! Sorry, I just guess I’m asking, what… was happening all those years? There were times that…” Crash looked farther away than he already was, trying to formulate anything.
He gave up on the last one and kept trucking. “Like, when you gave me flowers for my birthday. Or when we celebrated Valentine’s day.”
“Or when… you started to paint me? You painted so many beautiful things, Gray. I was just so confused why I kept showing up, since we were just researching together.” He said the last part like it was a faraway, laughable thing.
“I guess I just never asked because I knew you couldn’t answer. And that I was scared. I got so comfortable with us that I didn’t realize how I felt about you until I was too far gone.” Ah, that was a confession.
Grayson watched, quiet & calculating. Crash got ready to be told to leave. He knew this was the last time he would see Gray like this, so he took as much in as he could.
White, curly hair, which he saw in strange positions every morning when Grayson had bed hair. Tired, brown eyes, ones that Crash knew well. He knew what they looked like when the other was too deep into his papers, long due for rest. He knew what they looked like when he was on the verge of a great discovery. Crash’s eyes rested on Grayson’s mouth, which was shaking. He was not used to that. He looked back up, viewing him as a whole.
He was so beautiful.
I would choose this again and again and again. I would find any possible way to spend another 15 years with you. Those days, the ones we did absolutely nothing, that’s what mattered the most to me. I’m not scared of loving you, I have done it so easily so far. I am terrified to wake up without you.
He inhaled shakily, then whispered, “Please do something, anything.”
Grayson moved his arm to hover his hand above Crash’s cheek, waiting. Crash put his hand atop Grayson’s.
He kept his hand there, feeling the softness of Crash’s face. He felt no sign of Ethos. Every movement was his own… perfectly and utterly his.
“Gray?”
Grayson looked down to his mouth, then back to his eyes.
He pressed his thumb onto Crash’s lips, then leaned closer.
“Oh, oh my god.” Crash exhaled.
“You want to kiss me?”
Grayson nodded so incredibly quickly, his heart ringing in his chest.
“I’m going to kiss you now, okay?” Crash said, waiting for just a moment more to be sure. Grayson could not wait, and jumped to press his lips onto Crash’s, which made him almost faint.
Crash sighed into the kiss, bringing his other hand to feel for Grayson’s shoulder. Grayson grabbed his hand immediately, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles. Crash felt like he was dreaming, or dying, or maybe both.
Grayson leaned back and saw that Crash still had his eyes closed. He opened them, then blinked once, then twice. “Wow, holy shit.” He said simply.
Grayson laughed, properly, loudly and full of love. He grabbed something and started writing again.
“I thought you knew.”
“WHAT?” Crash ran his hand through his hair, looking faraway. “Wh- what?!”
“I laughed because I was so surprised that you didn’t know."
Crash fell apart at that, balling his head into his hands. “Oh my god.”
Grayson nodded solemnly, putting his hand onto his back, rubbing circles.
“You need to learn sign language. My hand hurts.”
Crash nodded so hard he felt like his head was going to fall off. He laughed, completely lost in the feeling of everything. This was an insane week. He grabbed Grayson's face and held him gently.
“Next time please just tell me we’re dating.” He felt like he was going to crush his face out of some sort of aggression- perhaps like feeling rage after seeing a cute kitten. He paused. “Are we dating?”
“Yes, if you want to.”
Crash sighed a huge breath. “Yes, please.”
Grayson smiled, then gave him another kiss.
“Can we cuddle, if that’s not too much?”
Grayson nodded, then held out his arms. Crash crawled into his embrace, feeling entirely warm. Grayson peppered another couple kisses onto his head, smiling ridiculously.
“Does that make you Kaino’s step-dad?”
Grayson laughed. It was a really beautiful sound to hear Grayson laugh.