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Harry sighed. His hair was a mess, but when the fuck was it not, really. The room was too quiet, his laptop unusually silent, only humming slightly, the construction workers outside the flat gone (even though it's only 3 in the afternoon; Harry absently wonders if their boss will be mad. He realizes that it doesn't really concern him.) Harry is siting on their -his- bed, laptop on his legs, logged onto YouTube.
It's been sitting on the YouTube home screen for 3 hours.
Harry hadn't moved from his position on the bed, half covered in the duvet, legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankle. He's been staring at the wall mostly, tracing the slight patterning that only he had noticed when they bought the flat. The bed (he can't really bring himself to say his bed, even though it had been 5 weeks and 4 days since that phone call. But Harry isn't counting. He isn't pathetic.) is too big. The sheets are cold at all the wrong times and stifling at others.
Harry is suffocating in silence. Silence with light blue accents of sadness.
Niall brings Zayn over every other day or so, along with Liam, because Zayn can't seem to focus without Liam's touch, be it a hand or an entire leg wrapped around his torso. And Harry is so immensely grateful to Niall, tells him every time the familiar brash knock rings through the empty flat, because it's been 5 weeks and 4 days but Harry still feels the light blue accent of pain every time he subconsciously reaches out for a familiar small hand but feels the air instead. Niall is the greatest best friend Harry could have ever asked for because Niall knows when the light blue fades, when it's okay to bring Liam and Zayn to play FIFA until the ghost of Harry's dimple reappears. Niall knows when the light blue turns into striking robin's egg, burning through Harry and squeezing him from the gut all the way to the top of his lungs, crushing him until he has to lay on his side, legs curled in so far his eyes are level with his knees, arms wrapped around himself. This is how Niall found Harry around week 2. From that day, Niall learned through experience that nothing could really help Harry, he just needed time to himself.
Harry was so thankful to have Niall, as well as Liam and Zayn.
Through the thankfulness and gratitude, though, Harry still felt what he tried to keep hidden.
He missed Louis.
~*~
Harry wonders if he's going crazy. It doesn't make sense, this much pain over one person.
But that's what love does to you.
Harry thinks the worst part is that he has no closure. Harry called Louis exactly 8 times, interspersed with what Harry calls 5 texts but is really 15. He just needs Louis to explain, tell him where he went, exactly why and so much more. But Louis doesn't respond to anything, although Harry knows he's read the messages and listened to the voice mails. Harry gives up.
Louis doesn't want you.
Harry repeated it to himself over and over and over, the words losing their meaning, but Harry just couldn't accept them.
Harry gives up, really, is what it boils down to.
~*~
Niall runs through the door, grinning from ear to ear. Today is a good day, Harry is okay, so he smiles back at Niall.
"What, you idiot?" he asks Niall, quietly amused.
"I got tickets to the match!" Niall exclaims.
"Ni, you have to tell me what match, I have no idea what you're going on about," Harry replies, confused.
Niall rolls his eyes dramatically. "Dick. D'ya ever listen to me? The football match! I got 5 tickets for free off that radio show. The one with the Greg, or whoever, I don't give a fuck, Harry we got tickets!"
Harry laughs. "I listen to about a fourth of the shit that comes out of your mouth, and that's more than enough. Okay, but who are you taking? I'm assuming, since you ran in here like the building is on fire, that you're taking me?" Harry raises his eyebrows. "I'll be deeply offended if you don't take me."
Niall snorts. "As if I'd let you get out of this. We're taking Liam and Zayn, obviously, but I dunno who else... You got anyone in mind?" Niall's voice raises at the end, just a bit, and Harry knows he wants Harry to say yes, yes he does have someone, he has been hanging with others, been seeing someone else.
It's a wholly unnecessary hope.
He shrugs. "Nope, sorry mate. Ask Zayn."
Niall snickers. "I'm sure his fucking art class is full of football fans," he deadpans. Harry laughs again.
They walk together to Niall's car, so familiar to Harry now.
When they get in, comfortably seated, air conditioning on, music playing softly in the background, Niall speaks again.
"So, uhm, how are you?" Niall may be a fantastic friend, but his methods of beginning actual, meaningful, conversations made Harry cringe in second hand embarrassment.
"Niall, I'm fine, yeah? Focus on this game. You and your football." Harry knew Niall caught onto his evasion, his reluctance to have an actual conversation about how he was doing. Niall, seemingly resigned to the fact that Harry wouldn't talk, nodded, rambling about the game, the players, their seats, how they'd get there. Harry's mouth quirked but he just nodded in all the right places, murmuring his assent.
He really was okay. For now. He decided that his brain had somehow accepted the lack of Louis. Harry hadn't seen him and that was that. He had come to peace with the fact that Louis was not there. His heart held fast though. He hadn't ever realized the truth behind the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
~*~
All of his bravado came to an end the next week however. 2 days before the football match, Niall, Zayn, and Liam dragged Harry to the coffee shop a couple blocks down the road. Normally, Harry just went along with what the boys wanted to do, not ever in the mood to instigate said activities. Harry loved the coffee shop, at least he used to. Now, it only brought back painful memories of afternoons spent in here with Louis, sitting across from each other at small tables, books and pens scattered on the table, the occasional pastry present as well.
This particular day however, all his complaints were overridden and he was unceremoniously thrown into the car, buckled in like a 5 year old, and told to hush. Harry rolled his eyes. "What are you people? Thirty five? I'm not a child," he muttered, only slightly annoyed. To be perfectly honest, he was amused at the serious faces all three were attempting to pull off. Only Zayn managed to last more than a minute. Soon, they were all chatting amicably enough, pulling into the parking lot in record time (of course, since Niall was driving, the maniac). Harry tugged his sleeves down further on his arms, the cold breeze seemingly creeping up his sleeves.
"You idiots, you couldn't have just made me fucking coffee. I don't want to freeze my balls off, let's go! Lovebirds!" Niall shouted impatiently. Liam, very maturely, stuck his tongue out at Niall, one hand gripping Zayn's shoulder as they stepped out together, almost simultaneously. Harry's heart ached. Once, he and Louis had done the same, so finely attuned to each other. Shaking his head, he started to the shop, calling behind him, "C'mon slowpokes."
They walked in single file, not on purpose, but Harry still found it funny. This wasn't a school trip, honestly. Just. They were an odd bunch.
Harry walked straight to the counter, not daring to look around and let old memories fill his mind. The girl behind the counter looked up, smiling hugely. Her smile revealed braces, and she couldn't have been more than 14. Smiling at her, Harry looked up at the menu. "Ah, I'll have a small hot chocolate? And a slice of apple pie."
The girl nodded, plugging in his order. Turning around, he got out of line, stepping slightly to the side so his friends could order. Liam had offered to pay for all their orders (how Harry loved that boy). He looked to the back of the room, his favorite booth, but it was taken by a girl with lavender hair and big blue eyes in a pale face and a girl with wavy brown hair. Slightly disappointed, he sat at another booth, this one more in the open but still hidden from the street outside.
Niall sat down next to him, Zayn across from him and Liam across from Harry. Grinning, Harry looked at Liam. "So, lovebirds, how many times did you do it today?"
Liam spluttered. "WHa- why?"
Harry laughed. "Hickey after hickey after hickey," he said, still laughing, "learn to cover them if you don't want to be asked."
Zayn glared. "Well, wouldn't you know," he replied.
Harry flinched slightly. Niall glared at Zayn. "Oi, wanker, you know what, that's not-"
Harry cut him off. "No, hey, it's okay. He was kidding, I mean, it's whatever, right?" Harry knows he's rambling, but he doesn't want this to turn toward Louis, doesn't want to think about what they were and what they could've been.
Liam had one hand on Zayn's shoulder, where it had flown as Zayn spoke, warningly. Liam watched Harry with sad doe-eyes. Harry looked away.
He smiled at Niall, a little tightly, but genuine. "It's the truth mate, we all know I'm famous for running around with hickeys all over me."
Niall shrugged, letting it drop, grinning again as the waitress brings their food and drinks over. Harry sips his hot chocolate, enjoying the feeling of the warm cup between his still slightly chilled hands.
"I'm sorry anyway, I din't mean it like that," Zayn said quietly, eyes belying his sincerity. Harry's mouth turned up in a small smile. "Yeah, Zayn. No worries."
Twenty minutes alter, they're all still only half way done with their food, too busy making fun of Zayn holding Liam's hand and Niall's interpretation of their dorm leader. Harry threw sugar packet after sugar packet at Niall, face impassive but chuckling on the inside. He loves his friends.
He tells them so, thanks them for bringing him. "Even if you did act like middle-aged men during a mid-life crisis," he adds. Zayn's eye roll is especially impressive, considering he was laughing just seconds before. Suddenly, Zayn's smile dropped off his face.
Niall frowned. "What?" he asks. Zayn's eyes are fixed on something behind his and Niall's shoulder, so Harry turns.
"No! Wait, we should go, I have to...I have to umm... show you something at my studio and-" Zayn's voice trailed off as Harry caught sight of the cause of Zayn's sudden mood change.
Louis had just walked into the coffee shop.
Harry felt his heart stop, drop and roll straight through his stomach.
"Shit," Niall muttered.
Harry looked down and shut his eyes, clenching his fists. Of course Louis would come here. They'd always loved the croissants here. He really should have objected to this trip more.
Liam tightened his hold on Zayn's shoulder again, making Zayn wince.
Niall reached over and unfurled one of Harry's fists. Harry opened his eyes and looked over at him. Niall winced at the pain that clouded over Harry's eyes. "D'ya want to leave, mate?" he asked softly. Harry shook his head.
"It'll just cause a scene. M'fine," Harry replied looking down at his mug of hot chocolate. A wave of bright, robin's egg colored pain shot through him. it felt as though someone had reached down his throat and pulled his lungs out. Harry inhaled shakily.
~*~
Liam and Zayn watched Niall try and comfort Harry with sadness painted across their faces.
"Li, we have to do something. Harry's gonna break if he just stays here with Louis in the same room" Zayn murmured to Liam worriedly.
Liam nodded. "I know. He said he wanted to stay though, I dunno Zayn..."
"Even after having his heart broken, he still doesn't want to cause a scene, bring himself to Louis's attention. Stupid, thoughtful bastard," Zayn replied.
Liam released Zayn's shoulder and looked up at the counter. Louis had finished ordering and was walking to a booth in the back of the room. Liam frowned.
"Hey, Z, isn't that Perrie? Perrie Edwards, she's in our Music Engineering class?" Zayn's eyes widened.
"You're bloody right, oh fuck," he cursed. "And that's Eleanor!"
Liam groaned under his breath. Was Louis trying to convince himself he was suddenly interested in girls again? Why else would he hang out with the only two girls in their class that slept with anyone with a pulse?
"What does that twat think he's doing?" Liam asked Zayn, perhaps a bit too loudly. Harry looked up, eyebrows crinkling.
"What?" he asked, voice duller than usual. Zayn shook his head quickly. "Nothing, mate."
Harry rolled his eyes, looking down again. "Whatever you say, Zayn."
~*~
"Hey El, Pez," Louis said. Both girls nodded at him, smiling at him, too busy chatting to themselves.
Sitting down, Louis sighed. Harry used to love this booth, hidden from the street and next to the bookshelf, filled with various items no one but Harry paid attention to. Louis shook his head. He even thought he heard Harry's voice just now. Stupid. As if Harry would come here.
Looking up anyway, he glanced around the room apprehensively. A girl with blond hair and a laptop, older man with a briefcase, grading papers, a group of four lads drinking and eating pastries, a woman and a stroller with a baby at a table-
Actually, wait. A group of lads?
Louis inhaled quickly. Harry and his friends were sitting at a booth, all staring at different places, none of them touching their food.
Fuck. What the hell is Louis supposed to do?
~*~
Harry hated this. He hated it so much. None of the lads were eating, all of them staring resolutely at various locations, trying not to even move. Harry was causing this. He wanted to leave so badly,but what if Louis noticed him? Harry didn't think he could deal with a confrontation right now.
Niall still had one of his hands in a death grip. Harry was grateful; he didn't think anything else was keeping on Earth. Liam and Zayn were clutching hands, under the table, but Harry could still tell. Harry took a deep breath. Just as he was about to tell them they should leave from the back, he heard footsteps approach their booth. Instinctively, Harry looked up. He immediately regretted his decision.
Louis stood in front of them, posture uncertain, blue eyes pleading. Harry winced.
(Blue eyes laughed at him as Harry rolled down the hill, curls flying with him. A bubble of laughter escaped thin pink lips, giggling at Harry's childishness.)
"Uh, hey," Louis said, voice softer than normal. Harry berated himself for remembering the volume Louis spoke at. Way to move on, Styles.
Zayn glared. "Mate? I don't think you should've come over."
Louis grimaced. "Right. But could I maybe... talk to Harry? Just. Please?"
Niall scoffed before Harry could even open his mouth, let alone respond. "Are you kidding? No you can't fucking talk to Harry after 5 weeks. Just leave."
Louis wavered. Before he could move, Harry spoke quietly. "S'alright Niall. I'll talk to him."
Liam's eyes widened in disbelief. "H, are you sure?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, if he wants to talk, I guess we can. Whatever, mate." A look of intense relief washed over Louis's face. Niall glared at him. Gently tugging his hand out of Niall's grip, Harry stood up, not meeting Louis's eyes. His stomach hurt from being so close to Louis, yet not being able to touch him. Looking back at the table, he met his friends' eyes one by one, varying levels of disapproval on their faces. He gave them a small, tight smile before turning back, dropping his gaze back to the floor.
"Right. Right. Um, can we sit at that table?" Louis asked, voice unsure, gesturing to a table a few feet away. Harry nodded. Obviously Louis didn't want the rest of the boys to hear their conversation. He couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Harry sat down, staring at the fake wood print on the table. Every movement Louis made, Harry could feel without even looking up. Harry flinched when Louis spoke.
"Um. It's been a while, I know, and-" Harry cut Louis off.
"A while? Louis, it's been over 5 weeks," Harry said, ignoring the sharp pain that sliced through him when he said the other's name.
Louis shifted uncomfortably. "Harry, I know, I'm sorry, I just didn't want to make it harder by replying and I'm so sorry for even putting you through that-" Harry interrupted him again.
"Louis. I just need to know why, okay?" he said softly but firmly, still not meeting Louis' eyes.
Louis took a deep breath. "Right. I just. It got to be a lot, okay? We weren't spending any time together and we were stressed and we weren't working any of it out. I just thought it'd be easier to get through the semester and..." He trailed off as he noticed Harry trembling. "Haz?"
Harry's head snapped up. "Don't call me that." His green eyes were clouded over with pain, a layer of tears forming in his eyes. "You couldn't have just talked to me about it? Really? We could've have at least come up with something. Breaking up with me and ignoring me for 5 fucking weeks and 4 days? Why Louis? Am I that difficult to talk to, is that it?" he asked angrily, voice soft but so charged that the words cut through Louis like shards of glass.
Louis shook his head almost frantically. "Harry, no. This had nothing to do with you. This was all me. Okay? I know, I'm a dick. I just. I couldn't have that conversation with you. I couldn't see you sad, couldn't face that I made you feel like that." Louis flinched when Harry's tears hit the table, as if he could hear each one, no matter how much noise filled the coffee shop. Harry sat stock still, face void of any emotion, save for the tears that silently traced rivers down his pale cheeks. "And I'm sorry. These weeks have been literal hell. I can't sleep without you. It's awful and I can't apologize enough. I know it won't be enough even if I apologized for the rest of my life."
"Why didn't you just call, Louis," Harry stated more than asked, voice flat, defeated.
Louis felt his heart clench. He hated that defeated tone. Harry shouldn't ever ever sound like that.
"I didn't know if you wanted to hear from me. You gave up after the first few days and I just. I thought you wanted to move on, forget about me?" Louis said, voice making the end a question. "God knows I deserved it," he added, shaking his head in self disgust.
Harry shook his head firmly, wiping away his tears, eyes filling with determination. "You idiot. Why the hell would I not want to hear from you? You left me. I had no say, Louis. I wanted to hear from you so badly. I can't believe you."
Louis nodded. "I know. I just needed to apologize. Um. You can go back to your friends. I'm sure you don't want anything to do with me anymore," he said, looking down at the table.
Harry froze. "You- you mean you're just gonna ignore me again?" he asked, throat closing up in panic. He couldn't deal with going cold turkey now, not after seeing Louis, hearing him speak again, being so close.
Louis looked up again. "Well...I mean. Would you like to maybe be friends? I dunno. Your call. If you want me, I'm yours."
Harry felt his throat ease up slightly. "Would we- would we be the same as before then?"
"I've worked things out with the professor. I don't have as many duties as a TA anymore. It was too much, with my classes and other activities."
Harry nodded, dropped his gaze again. "I don't think I could be friends, if I'm honest." Louis inhaled shakily.
"Okay then I guess-" Harry looked up again, exasperated. The tips of his lips twitched in amusement, however.
"Would you let me finish? I can't just be friends, Lou. I love you too much for that. If you still want to, will you be my boyfriend again? I can't sleep either, really, at all almost," he said, voice wavering uncertainly by the end.
Louis sighed in relief. He'd missed hearing the words 'I love you' from Harry, so much.
Standing up, he walked around the table, carefully picked up Harry's hand, tugging Harry up. Looking Harry in the eyes, he spoke, each word deliberate. "Harry, I love you so much, never stopped, alright? That phone call was all bullshit, just me trying to convince myself that I could stop loving you. I'd absolutely love to be your boyfriend again. And, thank you so much for listening to me. Thank you, I love so so much," he said, pulling Harry into a hug.
Harry shuddered, melting into Louis' embrace, wrapped his arms around Louis' neck, burrowing his face into Louis' neck. He'd started crying again, hot tears pooling in the jut above Louis' collarbone. Louis gripped Harry tighter, relief washing over him again. He buried his face in Harry's soft curls, breathing in Harry's unique smell, green apple shampoo, spicy, vanilla tinted cologne, and something vaguely like printer ink.
Harry leaned back, bringing one hand to his face, wiping the tears and laughing self-consciously. "Right. Sorry. I've cried a lot, getting quite sick of it, to be honest." Louis chuckled, a little guiltily. "Don't apologize, babe. C'mon. Let's go talk to your friends before they come over here and place a restraining order on me."
Harry smiled. He reached down and intertwined his fingers with one of Louis' hands. Louis looked down and grinned so hard, he though his face would split down the middle. Squeezing his hand, Harry led Louis to the booth with Niall, Liam, and Zayn, all three watching the other boys warily.
Liam looked reluctantly charmed at their linked hands, while Zayn just looked resigned. Of course Harry would take Louis back. As if Harry would purposefully hurt anyone. As if he would turn away from the person he loved.
Niall, on the other hand, looked like he'd explode from the sheer amount of disapproval he was holding in.
~*~
As the couple reached the booth, Niall shook his head slightly. Oh, Harry.
Harry hadn't watched his best friend break slowly, be reduced to a shaking form on the bed, face stained with tear tracks, eyes slightly bloodshot from the lack of sleep.
Niall had been the one to cautiously try and read Harry's mood, attempt to comfort a boy with a broken heart. Niall didn't resent Harry. No, he was more than willing to help his best friend. What else were best friends for? However, he did resent Louis, no matter what Harry said to dissuade Niall. No one was allowed to hurt Harry. Cheerful, young, cheeky, Harry. Anyone who caused even the slightest bit of pain to Harry was automatically the equivalent to Satan in Niall's mind. There was only so much a case of alcohol and loud music could cure. Unfortunately, a broken heart was not one of those.
So, yeah. Maybe Niall was a little pissed at Harry for, as it looked like, getting back together with Louis so quickly.
~*~
Harry winced at Niall's expression. He nodded at Liam and Zayn, letting go of Louis' hand. Louis stood uncertainly before the couple. Zayn rolled his eyes. "Sit down," he commanded. Louis smiled a little, letting Niall climb out of the booth, and sat down across from Zayn. Niall and Louis carefully avoided eye contact.
Harry lead Niall away from the others.
"Harry," Niall hissed, "What the hell are you doing, mate?"
Harry shrugged. "Niall, I honestly don't know. His reasons were kind of stupid but we all make mistakes, right? I mean, no relationship is going to be pure vanilla. And I love him, Ni. I really do."
Niall stared at Harry. His green eyes looked more alive than he'd seen in the past few weeks, cheeks flushed a pale pink, hair a little mussed from his embrace with Louis.
Groaning, Niall shook his head. "I can't really say no to you, can I? You're too fucking cute, mate. Fine. But don't expect me to just hug and invite him to my next sleepover or something, okay? It'll take me a bit. Remember, this is the bloke who broke my best friend's heart."
Harry smiled hugely. "I know. Thanks, Niall. Love you, mate," he said, pulling Niall into a hug. Niall chuckled, ruffling his hair.
"Let's go, idiot," he replied, leading Harry back to the booth where the others still sat, chatting idly, yet not unfriendly.
Harry smiled. Things were definitely looking up.
~*~
2 weeks later
The day of the football match, Niall rang Louis and Harry's doorbell at 9 in the morning, calling through the door loudly, "Get up, lovebirds! The stadium opens at noon and we've gotta get there early! Be downstairs in a half hour or I'll kick you both in the balls so hard, you won't be able to fuck for weeks!"
Louis groaned, turning his body to Harry's and wrapping his legs around Harry' thighs, nuzzling into Harry's neck. Harry blinked slowly, murmuring, "I know. He's too cheery for so early in the morning. This match isn't helping calm him down either."
Louis shivered at the sound of Harry's morning voice, slightly raspy and a little wrecked from last night. The vibrations of his words rumbled under Louis from where he lay, almost on top of Harry.
"Shit. Let's go then, I'd rather not lose my balls to Niall's chicken legs. I kinda like fucking you, believe it or not," he said to Harry, teasingly.
Harry rolled his eyes. "As if you could survive a trip to the ER. C'mon, up up up. Into the shower! We've only got a half hour." Pulling Louis up, Harry dragged a stumbling Louis to the shower, smiling at his boyfriend's lethargic state.
Groaning again, Louis pulled his boxers off and climbed in the shower with Harry.
~*~
An hour minutes later, all 5 boys were in the car, Niall the only one awake enough to drive. As they pulled into the stadium parking lot, Harry looked around him. Under his arm, Louis was curled half way in his lap, phone out, scrolling though his Twitter feed. Next to Louis, sat Zayn, who lay asleep on Liam's shoulder. Even Liam looked a little tired (Zayn had dragged him to a party the night before, apparently it was supposed to be "so awesome, Li, everyone'll be there!").
In the end, only Harry was even slightly close to level of hyper that was Niall in the morning.
"Louis," Harry whined. "You can't fall asleep now, Niall' will have our heads!"
"Damn right I will," Niall responded cheerfully.
Rolling his yes, Louis sat up, kissing the base of Harry's neck. Louis hadn't stopped doing things like that, going out of his way to show his love for Harry. Harry would be lying if he said he didn't love it. Looking over Louis's head, Harry watched Liam shake Zayn awake gently, smiling at the tenderness evident in the movements of the other couple.
Louis cleared his throat suddenly. "Ah, Niall? Thank you for giving me the extra ticket, I mean you could've invited anyone but you told Harry he could bring me and that means a lot so um-,"
Niall giggled. "Shut up mate, it's not a problem. Hey, if Harry loves you, I love you. And you haven't done anything to break my trust again... yet," he added rather ominously. Niall kept the serious facade for a minute before grinning again. "As long as I don't walk in on you blowing each other, it's cool. That includes you two!" he said to Liam and Zayn, both of which had the grace to blush. Niall had the uncanny ability to walk in on his friends in the most comprising position possible. The Friday before, he'd opened Harry's flat to see Harry pinning Louis against the kitchen counter, fruit custard spilled across the counter behind their kissing forms. Yesterday, Niall had managed to walk in on Zayn blowing Liam on the couch, causing Liam to yelp in shock and embarrassment.
Harry groaned. "Whatever, Niall. The minute you learn to actually text us in warning will be the moment you can stop walking in on us getting lucky. And not stoop to level of wanking to my come face."
Louis sputtered, Niall laughing madly in response. "Stop worry, Lou, I'm not wanking to your boyfriend's come face!"
Zayn sighed. Turning to his boyfriend, he said seriously, "Liam, if I go criminally insane, let the judges know it was caused by these idiots and the trauma I've had to deal with almost daily."