Chapter Text
"Damnit, Buck!" Steve snapped. "I told you that you shouldnt've lied on that form!"
The fear in Bucky's expression was gone in an instant, replaced with indignation. "Steve, if you thought for a second I was disclosin' to the government that I'm an Omega, you were mistakin'! So they could put me on some registry-"
"So that you could not be drafted!"
Bucky exhaled, fear seeping back into his features. He looked back down at the paper in his hand, reading it again as if it'd change something.
Steve balled his fists in an effort to stop them from shaking, vying for any control he could get.
"It'll be fine," Bucky said eventually, his voice strained. "It'll be fi-"
"How?"
Bucky collapsed into the chair, glancing up at Steve. "I have suppressants-"
"And when you run out?"
"I'll get more."
Steve sat down across from him, taking a deep breathe before asking, "What if you can't-"
"We could bond." Bucky sat up straighter, staring directly at Steve with a look that was bordering on desperation and something he couldn't place.
Steve scoffed. "Very funny–"
"I'm serious."
"You can't be."
Bucky simply nodded.
"Why.." He shook his head, springing to his feet again in an effort to put distance between them. "Bucky, how would that help anything?"
"It could help with my heats, if I do go into-"
"Not if I'm halfway across the world, Buck!"
Bucky deflated, his frown deepening.
Steve took another deep breath. And then another. He sat down across from Bucky, ducking his head to make eye contact. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? I'm just.. I'm scared."
"I know," Bucky assured quietly. "I know, Stevie."
Steve buried his face in his hands, rubbing them up and down roughly until he saw stars.
"I still think we should bond," Bucky mumbled.
He looked up, shaking his head. "Why?"
Bucky shrugged, avoiding his eye as he glanced down at the table between them.
"Buck." Steve leaned forward, urging him to answer.
"It just feels right, doesn't it?"
Steve wasn't sure how to answer that. He wanted to say yes, but for reasons different than what Bucky was surely thinking. "Because you think you'll die?"
"Steve–"
"No, Buck. You're coming home. And when you do, you'll find someone you want to bond with for real. I-"
"Steve," he interrupted, now sounding annoyed.
"I don't even know if I can," he admitted. "With my health, there's no guarantee it'll take. And you've had, what? One heat in the past eight years because you're so full of suppressants–"
"Steve."
Steve snapped his mouth shut, waiting.
"You're not.. It doesn't change the fact that I want to."
"Why?" Steve begged, his mind racing. "I'm not opposed, Buck. I'm not. But I need to know why you want this. W-we've never.. We'd have to.."
"I know."
"So why?"
Bucky leaned back in his chair, biting at his lower lip. Eventually he met Steve's eye. "I've always wanted to, Steve."
Steve's whole world tilted sideways. "What?"
"Steve.. Fuck!" Bucky shot out of his seat and started pacing around their too small kitchen. "Fuck, I should have done this years ago."
Steve didn't say anything, his ability to form words seemingly incapacitated.
Eventually Bucky paused, turning to face him head on. "I am in love with you, okay? I have been since we were kids. I.. I've never felt the urge to go looking for a mate, because in my mind I already have one. And I might be imagining it, but I think you feel the same way. Besides the obvious bigotry and discrimination, I take the suppressants so I can stay here–"
"Buck, I would never–"
"If I was here stinking up the place with my Omega scent, we would have had to talk about what it is that we never talk about," Bucky said. "It would have come to a head, and that wouldn't have gone well."
Steve stood up, properly angry. "Buck–"
"I know you don't like hearing that but it's the truth, Steve. The reason we barely get away with living like we do is because people think we're an Alpha and Beta. And it wouldn't have been fair for us to be bonded and for me to deprive you of my scent all the time when I'm right here. I–"
"Well don't you just have it all figured out," he snapped.
Bucky crossed his arms, his eyebrow quirked in question.
"We could have stayed living like this if we were an openly bonded pair, Buck," Steve argued.
"Would you have let that happen?" Bucky asked seriously.
"What do you mean?"
Bucky sighed, relaxing his stance. "You know what I mean."
Steve did, but he didn't want to admit it. He knew that Bucky was right. If Bucky was openly an Omega, his Omega no less...
"You would have been in a fight every time we left the house," Bucky continued pointedly. "More than you already are. You see yourself as an inferior Alpha so you would have viewed every interaction as a challenge. And you'd worry about me unnecessarily. I can take care of myself–"
"I know that–"
"But your stupid Alpha brain would let you forget it."
Steve didn't have a response to that. He wanted to tell Bucky that none of this was true, but he knew that'd be a lie. Steve had only had one rut in his life, which was when we presented at seventeen. His scent was weak, often weak enough for people to regularly mistake him as a Beta, which would have been fine if it didn't make him so inexplicably angry. His anger pheromones seemed to be the only thing strong enough to make it known that he was an Alpha, which was something Steve wasn't proud of. It's not that he was angry people didn't see him as an Alpha, but more so that he was a defective one. Steve often wished he wasn't an Alpha in the first place, wished that his poor health and stupid Alpha brain weren't constantly fighting battles he had no way of winning.
"What about when you come back?" Steve asked after several minutes of silence passed between them.
Bucky shrugged. "I have a feeling the world will be a little different after all is said and done with this war. We'll be different."
"Buck–"
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do," Steve answered softly.
Bucky nodded once. "I thought so."
"This is a bad idea."
"Do you really think that?"
Steve looked away for a moment, and then eventually back to Bucky. "No."
"I leave for basic in two weeks," Bucky said. "If I don't take any suppressants today or tomorrow, I'll probably be in heat within three or four days. We.. we can do it then. Should pass in enough time before I have to leave. Does that sound okay?"
"Yeah," Steve answered, shoving down the tidal wave of emotions that came rushing to the surface. "That sounds good, Buck."
***
Bucky's heat crept in slowly, as did the return of his scent. Steve had almost forgotten how much he loved Bucky's scent, after spending years away from it. Steve rarely let himself feel the loss that the suppressants caused; it wasn't fair for him to miss something that wasn't his.
"Steve." Bucky poked him awake, first gently and then a bit more aggressively.
"Hmm," Steve hummed, rolling over.
Bucky was laying beside him in his bed, staring down at him. It took a second for the scent to hit Steve, but once it did he was fully awake.
"Your heat," he said unnecessarily.
"And you're about to be in rut."
"What?"
Bucky nodded. "I can smell it."
Steve collapsed back on the bed. "Your scent must have–"
"Steve."
"Have you eaten?"
Bucky shook his head.
Steve rolled out of bed, stretching his back before he decided to make his way into the kitchen. He could feel Bucky following at his heels, and it took all of his strength to act normal. Steve was still working to wrap his head around the fact that this was actually happening. "I got you something," he said after clicking on the stove and placing a frying pan on top of it.
"You did?"
He nodded. Steve pulled out a carton of eggs before pointing to the closet. He started cracking eggs into the pan, not turning to watch Bucky open his gift.
"Steve," Bucky whispered, just loud enough for him to hear.
Steve turned. He found Bucky sitting on the floor with tears in his eyes, the blankets Steve had purchased pressed against his cheek. "I know it's not enough to make the nest you deserve but–"
"They're perfect."
Steve smiled, watching as Bucky rubbed the fabric between his fingers. Since Bucky never went into heat they didn't really have any nesting material, unless you counted the few blankets they shared. He couldn't afford much but he thought Bucky deserved something. "There's something else," he said, turning back to the stove.
"What's this?"
"What's it look like?"
"Steve."
He turned. Bucky was holding the dildo in his hand with his eyebrow raised. Steve shrugged. "I may not be able to.. Even with the rut I might not be able to knot properly. I don't want you to be in pain."
Bucky's face softened. He looked back down at the items in his lap. "Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me, Buck." Steve peaked on the eggs, pulling out two clean plates. "Why don't you go get things ready? Make them how you want. I'll bring this in when it's done."
"Your room or my room?"
Steve shook his head. "Up to you." He turned his back once more, plating the eggs carefully so as not to break the yolk. He went about toasting a few slices of bread as well. Steve then went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and splash cold water on his face. Eventually he decided it was time to get over himself and be there for Bucky. He grabbed the plates and made his way into his bedroom, where he knew Bucky was waiting.
Bucky had transformed his room in the time it took for him to finish making breakfast. His mattress was on the floor and all the pillows and blankets from both his and Bucky's room seemed to be present. He'd draped a few blankets from the dresser to the wall, creating a kind of fort. The new blankets were on top, spread out evenly across the pillows and mattress. Bucky was sitting dead center with his legs crossed, staring up at Steve with an expression he'd never seen before.
"Is it okay?" Bucky asked, his hands fidgeting in his lap.
"It's perfect, Buck," Steve assured, offering Bucky a plate. "How does it feel?"
Bucky shrugged, accepting the offering. "I don't know. I've never done this before."
Steve knew this were true. His first and only heat cycle had happened when he still lived with his parents, and he'd spent the majority of it hiding under his bed. "Eat." Steve sat down outside the entrance to the nest, which earned him a weird look from Bucky but he didn't say anything. They ate in silence, and eventually Steve collected the empty plates and returned with two glasses of water. He held one out to Bucky, who drained it in three gulps. He offered the other, but Bucky shook his head.
"Steve," he said, though it sounded more like a plea.
Steve shuffled his feet.
"You're hesitating," Bucky said, wiping his forehead. He was starting to sweat, his shoulders shaking subtly. "Are you having second thoughts?"
"No," Steve answered at once. "Not at all. I'm just nervous. I think I'm waiting for you to change your mind, to be honest."
"Not gonna happen," Bucky said between his teeth. "Will you just get in here?"
He took a deep breath before dropping to his knees and crawling inside the nest. The scent was overwhelming, and Steve felt himself harden instantly. They sat there awkwardly, neither sure of what to do or say.
Eventually Bucky exhaled harshly. "Steve, it's starting to hurt. I-"
"Okay," Steve assured at once. "It's okay. I'm here." He reached his hand out slowly, cupping Bucky's cheek.
Bucky leaned into the contact, closing his eyes.
"I'm gonna kiss you now, okay?" Steve said softly. "Gonna take care of you, Buck."
Bucky nodded, keeping his eyes shut.
Steve leaned forward, brushing their lips together hesitantly. Bucky responded at once, diving forward and deepening the contact. He licked into Steve's mouth, his hands reaching forward to pull him in closer. Steve followed easily, soaking up the scent and feel of Bucky against him.
Bucky moaned against his lips and Steve broke away to catch his breath, planting small kisses down Bucky's neck instead, feeling high off his scent. He tugged once on Bucky's shirt and Bucky pulled it off in one swift motion before doing the same to Steve's. They were both breathing heavily, staring at one another as they slowly traced their fingers along the other's chest.
"You gotta tell me if something hurts," Steve whispered. "Or if you don't like something, or need something else. Promise me, Buck."
"I promise." His pupils were blown and he was staring down at Steve's lips like they held all the answers.
"Lay back."
Bucky laid back automatically, staring up at Steve who was kneeling between his legs. He looked beautiful, but Bucky always did. Steve had never seen him so soft, though. Something about him trusting Steve to see him like this, so receptive and compliant, did something to Steve's insides. Something that had him reaching out and pulling down Bucky's pants without hesitation. Bucky lifted his hips, helping the process along.
Steve had seen Bucky naked before, many times. It was a byproduct of them living in such close quarters for so long. But Steve had never seen him hard with slick coating his thighs. His brain switched off as he leaned down, lapping greedily at the slick without a second thought. He didn't think about the fact that he'd never done this before, letting his instincts take over. His pressed his tongue over Bucky's hole, which accommodated him at once, opening up so he could lick inside. Steve slid in a finger, which caused Bucky to release a small whimper. Steve stopped at once, pulling back to reassess.
Bucky looked wrecked, with dilated eyes, a flushed face and swollen lips. He suddenly scrambled up, flipping onto his stomach before getting his knees under him. It look Steve a whole second to realize that Bucky was presenting. "Steve," he whined.
Steve dove back in, sliding in two fingers as he licked around them. His cock was almost painfully hard, and Steve was sure he'd never been this hard before in his life. He reached forward, stroking Bucky's cock gently as he fucked into him with his fingers, relishing the noises it elicited.
"Steve," Bucky pleaded. "Please, I-I need you, please. Alpha, please."
The words went straight to his cock, his knot beginning to slowly fill. Steve had his pants off a second later, his cock sliding between Bucky's thighs to coat it in slick. Bucky moaned at the contact, his hips pushing back against him. He didn't waste anymore time before pressing in slowly, watching as he disappeared inside Bucky. Steve's cock wasn't small, like the rest of his body, but Bucky opened for him beautifully, taking him almost eagerly.
Bucky came at once, tightening around him as he spurted onto the sheets. Steve worked him through it, his hands rubbing over every inch of skin he could reach as he whispered praises without registering what it was that he was saying. He slowed his movements, letting Bucky's breathing come back to normal.
"Steve?" he breathed.
"What is it?"
He moaned, pushing back against Steve and taking him deeper. "I.."
"What do you need?"
"I want to face you," he exhaled. "Need to see you."
Steve had felt similarly, but he wasn't planning to bring it up first. He pulled out slowly, gripping his still-forming knot as Bucky readjusted below him. He looked up to find Bucky watching him, his eyes raking over Steve's body and landing on his cock.
"In me," he said, opening his legs. "Now."
Steve obeyed, pulling one of Bucky's legs over his shoulder as he pushed inside. He leaned down, catching his weight with his forearms as he hovered over the Omega, nosing at his neck. He inhaled deeply before licking over the gland there, prompting a purr to be ripped from Bucky's chest.
Bucky turned his head, grabbing Steve's jaw forcefully and twisting his head to expose his neck. He licked over Steve's gland before rubbing his nose against it. "Christ, you smell so good, Stevie. I love your scent."
"You do?" he breathed.
Bucky growled softly. "It's perfect. You're perfect." He nipped at his neck, teeth teasing along the skin. Steve felt his knot lock into place, and Bucky writhed beneath him. "Fuck, Alpha. You feel so good," he breathed against his neck. "I-I-" Bucky nipped at his neck again, this time not as gently. "I-"
"Do it."
Bucky bit down, breaking skin as he claimed his Alpha.
Steve's vision whited out, his whole body going taut as he came inside his Omega. He wasn't sure how much time had passed before the scent of Bucky lured him back to himself. He looked down to find him with his eyes shut, his nose pressed against Steve's skin and seemingly perfectly content. "Buck," he croaked.
He opened his eyes, smiling up at him. Steve closed the distance between them, smashing their lips together as he rocked his hips forward. Bucky responded to the movement at once, arching up as his knot rubbed over his prostate. It wasn't long until Bucky was breathing heavily, his hands gripping Steve's sides hard enough to bruise. Steve kissed along his neck, nosing at the glands before sucking gently.
"Alpha, please," Bucky begged. "Please, make me yours. I–"
Steve let slip a growl before biting down, claiming his Omega. Bucky tensed for a second before he was coming between them, his eyes shut and mouth parted. Steve pulled away, looking for any sign of distress or discomfort but he found none. Once Bucky went still, he rearranged them as best he could, wanting Bucky to be comfortable while he was stuck on his knot. He rolled them onto their sides before tugging Bucky on top of him, letting him lay across his chest. He pushed back the hair from Bucky's face, checking again to make sure he was okay even though everything about his scent said he was. He looked at the bite, marveling at it for a minute before tucking Bucky's face into his neck, assuring his nose was right next to Steve's scent gland.
Some time later Bucky stirred, his nose pressing further into Steve's skin before pulling away.
"Hey," Steve said softly, his hands once again finding their way to the mess that was Bucky's hair. "How do you feel?"
Bucky blinked slowly before smiling down at him. "The best I've ever felt." Steve smiled, wiping away a tear that was threatening to fall with his thumb. "You?" Bucky asked, twisting his head to kiss Steve's palm.
"The same."
Bucky leaned back down, kissing Steve deeply on the lips. "I can't believe we waited this long."
"I know." Steve swallowed, because suddenly the prospect of Bucky going thousands of miles away to war seemed unbearable.
Bucky must have felt similar because his eyes began to water in earnest. "Steve–"
"I know," he assured. "I know." Steve cleared his throat, willing his next words to come out even. "We'll be okay, okay? And besides, we have a week. Let's just focus on the time we have."
Bucky nodded.
"I love you," Steve said fiercely.
"I love you, too." Bucky leaned down to kiss him, the gesture slow and sensual. He shifted his hips slightly before pulling away. "Your knot is still–"
"I know."
Bucky smirked. "It'll be a week to remember."
***
Steve's first thought when he stepped out of the incubator was that something was wrong. His bond to Bucky was altered, somehow less than it had been before. He didn't have time to focus on it before Dr Erskine was shot in front of him but later, when he was alone, he looked into the mirror and nearly collapsed. Bucky's mark was practically gone, and Steve couldn't tell if the faint bite he saw was a hallucination or not. He spent an hour staring at his neck, willing the mark to return the way it had been before but nothing changed. He closed his eyes, searching for the buzz in his veins that screamed Bucky but only came away with a faint static. Steve once again wondered if he was hallucinating out of desperation or if that really was the connection between them staying alive. He wondered if Bucky felt it too, if he was somewhere far away wondering what had happened and where Steve had gone. The thought made him collapse onto the floor, his shoulders shaking as he questioned what he had done.
***
"Bucky!" Steve ripped the restraints from the table, freeing him. He knew Bucky was alive, he knew that static in his veins meant something. "Oh my god, Bucky." He couldn't smell anything, so he knew they had him on some kind of blocker or suppressant, and Steve wasn't sure if he should feel relieved for that or not.
"Steve?" Bucky slurred, blinking up at him slowly.
"It's me," he assured. Steve cupped his face, tilting his head just slightly without thinking about it. Bucky's mark was faded too, barely there at all, and it was all Steve's fault. "Come on," he said, pulling Bucky up.
"What happened?" he mumbled.
"It's a long story." Steve tucked Bucky into his side and started guiding him from the room. "I'm so sorry, Buck."
***
"Steve–"
"Buck–"
"No." Bucky crossed his arms, his stance unyielding. "We're not going off our suppressants in the middle of a war zone."
"We don't need to go off them to bond, Buck," Steve pointed out. "And the Howlies already know you're an Omega, you went into heat in that facility–"
"I don't need you to explain it to me, Steve," Bucky snapped. "I was there."
Steve held up his hands placatingly. "I know, I'm sorry."
Bucky released a sharp exhale, his body relaxing slightly. "Steve, we don't have to do this."
"You mean you don't want to."
"I.." Bucky trailed off, chewing on his lower lip.
"Talk to me, Buck. Please." Steve sounded desperate but it matched how he felt. It'd been weeks since he'd rescued Bucky and the other POW's, and Bucky had been avoiding him as much as possible since then. It was only now, in a tent somewhere in the middle of France, that Steve had finally been able to bring up what he'd been dying to bring up.
"It's just not the right time," Bucky said eventually. "Not like this."
"But why?" Steve implored. "They would understand if we needed a night to ourselves, none of it will get back to Phillips or HQ. They protected you–"
"It's not about them."
"So it is about me?"
Bucky shrugged, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry," Steve said for the millionth time. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have done this if I'd known–"
"It's not that."
"Then what is it?!" Steve took a step closer, which only caused Bucky to back away a step. "I.. I miss you. I miss feeling you, I miss knowing you were there and okay. Do you not.."
Bucky's eyes started to water. "Of course I miss you."
"Then you gotta explain it to me, Buck," he pleaded.
"It's just different now," he said quietly. "Things are expected of you, people are watching you. They're going to want to know who your mate is, and I don't want.. I don't want to face that scrutiny. I already know I'm not good enough–"
"Buck, that's not true. None of it. They knew I was bonded when they picked me, and nobody ever asked. Nobody has to know anything if we don't want them to. And of course you're good enough, what are you talking about?" Steve didn't understand where any of this was coming from.
Bucky hugged himself, as if trying to make himself smaller. "You could have anybody now, Steve. Peggy–"
Steve didn't know what else to do, so he fell to his knees and exposed his neck, submitting to the Omega.
"What are you doing?" Bucky questioned, sounding both confused and alarmed.
Steve didn't—couldn't—answer. His breathing had started to pick up and it took all of his strength to not fall apart. Seconds passed before Bucky was kneeling in front of him, twisting his head to force eye contact.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm sorry. How about this: I don't want you get distracted. If we're bonded and something happens in the middle of a–"
"That's all the more reason–"
"I won't be responsible for getting you killed," Bucky said fiercely. "I won't, Steve. If.. when we get home, we can bond again, okay?"
Steve nodded immediately.
"You're my mate, Steve. Nothing can change that."
He clung onto Bucky's uniform, pulling him closer. "Don't leave me. We don't have to.. just don't leave me. Please."
"I won't." Bucky wrapped his arms around his waist, and Steve felt a pang of sadness at the realization that he didn't fit as well as he used to. "I won't, I promise."
"Stop avoiding me," Steve added. "I won't pressure you to talk about Azzano or do anything you don't want. Just.."
"Okay," Bucky agreed. "I'm here, Stevie. Till the end of the line."
***
Steve watched Bucky fall. He watched Bucky's expression shift from pure terror to acceptance within a split second, and he watched him plummet away into a world of white. Steve told his hand to let go, to relinquish the grip that was keeping him attached to the train and fall after him, but his hand didn't listen. His grip remained, and so did he.
Steve didn't know what happened next. He was suddenly in a military base, surrounded by nurses and nobody he recognized.
"Captain Rogers," one of them was saying. "Captain Rogers, please–"
Steve didn't listen. He ripped the IV from his arm before throwing it against the wall. He could still feel Bucky, he could still feel that static in his veins. He had to find him.
"Steve!"
Beta pheromones filled the room, and Steve immediately recognized who they belonged to.
"Peggy." He turned, moving unsteadily towards her.
She snapped her fingers at a nurse and pointed at something, and a second later he was sitting in a wheelchair.
"He's still-I can feel him," he explained. "I have to go back for him. I have to–"
She kneeled in front of him, her expression fully of sympathy. "Steve.."
"No." Steve shook his head, dismissing her words before he heard them. "He's still alive. I know he's still alive."
"There's no way he survived that fall," she reasoned. "You couldn't have survived that fall. I'm so sorry, Steve."
"But–"
"You told me yourself that you weren't bonded anymore," Peggy interrupted him softly. "Remember?"
"But.. But I can feel him. I swear I can."
She squeezed his hand. "That's not unheard of, Steve. It doesn't mean he's alive."
Steve's vision blurred. "Peg.. what do I do? What do I do now?"
"You end this war."
***
Steve pointed the nose of the plane down. He knew the war was already won. He knew he could survive this if he wanted to. But Steve didn't want to survive, not anymore. Not with the static of Bucky in his veins like a living reminder of what was gone. Not with the constant ache of feeling incomplete and the pull towards something that wasn't there any longer. He said his goodbye to Peggy as he neared the surface and closed his eyes, readying himself to see his mate once more.