Archive of Our Own

Transcript of TAZ_LI_evenmoreshorts.mp3
Recording date: ????
Scheduled air date: ????

GRIFFIN: So, it's been kind of a rough ride at the Bee Oh Bee this last little while. Kind of a rocky road you've all been journeying along. You boys have made a lot of progress with finding the Grand Relics, and everyone is VERY proud of you-

TRAVIS: Hooray for us! We only fucked up a little!

GRIFFIN: Just the teensiest, tiniest of enormous fuckups.

CLINT: Woo-hoo!

GRIFFIN: BUT! But! You've lost some real good folks. You've dealt with some pretty dark shit. And you and your coworkers need a fucking break from literally saving the world.

TRAVIS: Tiiiiiime for another beach episode?

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Yes, forget this stack of notes in front of me, let's just pack it in and head out to Fantasy Newport News.

JUSTIN: Listen, Taako has a goddamn walk-in closet of summer looks, like pull the trigger, he's fucking ready.

GRIFFIN: So like you're joking right now, but we are absolutely going to spend an hour talking clothes tonight. That's my life, that's my path, I've accepted it.

JUSTIN: Hells yeah.

GRIFFIN: No, you're not going to the beach, your exotic destination is in fact the Bureau of Balance cafeteria, because Carey and Killian have invited you three out for a chat over breakfast! They're sitting at a big table together when you walk in, and they're holding hands.

TRAVIS: Awww!

GRIFFIN: Travis, are you on that good ship?

TRAVIS: I AM.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] So once you've all gotten your pancakes and coffee-

JUSTIN: Taako's more of an egg white omelette guy.

GRIFFIN: Everyone sits there waiting in awkward silence while you finish up at the omelette station, and once you're sitting down Carey grins at you all and says, Okay, we've got some big news.

TRAVIS: Oh my god, are you getting married?!

GRIFFIN: Fuck yeah, we are, she says. And Magnus, when you look down you see that Killian is wearing the rosewood ring that you made.

TRAVIS: AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

CLINT: Congratulations, I hope you're very-

JUSTIN: Who's that? Who's talking right now?

CLINT: Congratulations, I hope you're very happy together.

TRAVIS: Sooooo when's the wedding?

GRIFFIN: Carey and Killian share a little look. And then Killian says, See the thing is, shit's been...pretty bad. Around here.

JUSTIN: True.

GRIFFIN: Like, I'm sure we'll triumph over the creeping forces of evil or whatever, but let's say I'm slightly LESS sure we'll all be here on the other side.

JUSTIN: Well I mean, I'm a player character so I'M probably fine, but yeah, kind of a dodgy forecast for the rest of you.

TRAVIS: Magnus kicks Taako under the table.

JUSTIN: I cast Mage Hand and punch him in the kneecap.

GRIFFIN: Carey says, Guys, focus.

TRAVIS: Sorry.

GRIFFIN: She says, So obviously you're all invited.

JUSTIN: Yeah, this'd be kind of an awkward convo otherwise.

GRIFFIN: Oh sure, max awk, totally. And Carey looks over at Magnus, and she smiles.

TRAVIS: [gasps]

GRIFFIN: And she says, Magnus, it'd be rad as hell if you'd be my best man.

TRAVIS: ...I just want to take a second and make it clear that Magnus is genuinely touched to the core of his being by this.

CLINT: His gooey center.

JUSTIN: Right to the nougat.

TRAVIS: Are you sure?

GRIFFIN: Definitely. You're my brah, man! You're half the reason I finally got up the guts to ask her!

TRAVIS: Magnus wipes away a single tear, and he says, Of course I'll stand with you, Carey. I would be HONORED.

GRIFFIN: Carey says, Fuckin' sweet. And then Taako, Killian looks over at YOU, and she says, The cafeteria kitchen's gonna handle most of the food, but we'd, ah...we'd really love to have a wedding cake from you.

JUSTIN: Hmmmm. I don't uuuuuuusually do catering gigs...when do you need this by?

GRIFFIN: Next weekend.

JUSTIN: [laughs] You're putting a wedding together in a WEEK.

GRIFFIN: What? That's normal, right?

JUSTIN: [sighs] Listen, there's no way I'm letting you serve this lunch lady garbage at your fucking wedding. I'll take care of it.

GRIFFIN: Hold up, are you serious? Taako's gonna cater the entire wedding by himself.

JUSTIN: Of course not, he's gonna make Angus do most of it.

GRIFFIN: So....child labor.

JUSTIN: It's an important part of his magical apprenticeship.

GRIFFIN: All right, well, Carey and Killian are very glad to hear it.

CLINT: So what about me?

GRIFFIN: Are you asking me or is Merle asking them?

CLINT: What d'you need me to do?

GRIFFIN: They look extremely awkward.

CLINT: Uh-huh.

GRIFFIN: Carey says, You can just kick back, homie! Spend some of those party points you been rackin' up.

CLINT: Sure. Great.

JUSTIN: Dad, when have you EVER wanted to be asked to do shit at a wedding?

CLINT: When I'm the only one left out!

TRAVIS: Who else is in the wedding party?

GRIFFIN: Nosy boy.

TRAVIS: Hey, we gotta coordinate! It's a JOB, Ditto.

GRIFFIN: Killian says, We're keepin' things pretty small. You'll be up there with Carey, and I'm gonna have Avi with me.

TRAVIS: I didn't know you guys were tight!

GRIFFIN: Oh yeah, we go way back.

JUSTIN: Listen, probably won't come up, any chance I can bring a plus one to this shindig?

GRIFFIN: Killian says, Well, it's...gonna be here at the base. But if you can think of someone who's physically able to fly up here and won't blow chunks from Voidfish vertigo then yeah, sure, more the merrier.

JUSTIN: Nice.

GRIFFIN: Carey kind of leans over and whispers something in Killian's ear. And then they both grin at you real smug.

CLINT: Who's officiating this? Is there some other Cleric around here that I don't know about?

GRIFFIN: Carey says, Yeah actually, we asked the Director. She's basically why we met in the first place, you know?

CLINT: ...All right, fine, that's actually really sweet.

GRIFFIN: So, wedding's in a week. What's the biz y'all wanna take care of before that?

TRAVIS: Well, obviously Magnus needs to talk to Avi. Best men stuff.

GRIFFIN: Totes.

JUSTIN: Taako's got some calls to make.

GRIFFIN: Uh-huh. And Daddy, the Director actually wants to talk to YOU.

CLINT: I say, I'm sure she does. And I waggle my eyebrows.

GRIFFIN: Gross!

GRIFFIN: So Magnus, where you and Avi meeting up?

TRAVIS: Hmmm. How's the weather?

GRIFFIN: What, on the Moon?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

GRIFFIN: Let's sayyyyyyy....pleasantly mild.

TRAVIS: We'll just talk out on the quad, then. Get some air, crack open a couple beers. Ales?

GRIFFIN: Get lit and talk tuxes.

TRAVIS: YES.

GRIFFIN: You sitting on a bench...?

TRAVIS: I've made us both sandwiches and I've laid out a blanket.

GRIFFIN: Best Men Picnic, got it. So you're sitting out on the grass, watching other Bureau of Balance folks walk by. There's a nice breeze. And Avi sees you from across the quad, and he waves, and he comes over to join you. And he says, Hey, man! How goes?

TRAVIS: I give him a sandwich.

GRIFFIN: Sweet, thanks! he says, and he sits down. So what's on your mind?

TRAVIS: Oh, you know. Just wanted to check in, get on the same page.

GRIFFIN: Sure.

TRAVIS: Like, are we doing a bachelorette party...?

GRIFFIN: Yeah, I was thinking that might be a little weird. Like, we're both dudes, and they're both women, and they have all the same friends sooooo...

TRAVIS: What about their families? Like, do you know how to get in touch with moms? Do they have any brothers or sisters?

GRIFFIN: Avi looks a little sad? And he says, Maybe, but they won't be at the wedding. They probably don't even know Carey and Killian are together.

TRAVIS: Well, shit. Because of the Voidfish.

GRIFFIN: Some of us try and stay in touch with our folks back home, but it's, ah...it's hard. And he gets quiet for a little bit after that.

TRAVIS: [sighs] So here's the thing, Ditto, I feel like Magnus-

GRIFFIN: Don't tell ME this shit, I'm not eating your sandwich.

TRAVIS: Hey, Avi. I gotta square with you. I'm a little...not great. About being in a wedding.

GRIFFIN: Does Avi know about Julia?

TRAVIS: You mean, has Magnus told him?

GRIFFIN: Yeah.

TRAVIS: Hmmm. I think...yeah. I think he would've told people about her.

GRIFFIN: And he's wearing his ring, someone would've asked-

TRAVIS: Yeah. He doesn't talk about it much, but Avi would know.

GRIFFIN: Avi puts down his sandwich and looks over at you. And he says, Shit, Magnus, I'm sorry.

TRAVIS: It's fine. Well...all right, it's not fine. I thought it would be, when Carey asked me. And I'm still gonna do this, of course, like I'm not gonna leave her hanging. She's my rogue senpai.

GRIFFIN: Respect.

TRAVIS: Yeah! It's just kinda...snuck up on me. How not okay this is. I haven't been to a wedding since MY wedding. I haven't known anyone well enough to be invited.

GRIFFIN: Avi holds out his flask.

TRAVIS: [laughs] I take it.

GRIFFIN: He says, I'm a little fucked up about this myself, if I'm being honest.

TRAVIS: Were you married? Wait, ARE you married?

GRIFFIN: I was. Didn't work out.

TRAVIS: Aw, man. Is it....can I ask what happened?

GRIFFIN: He kind of thinks about that for a second. And then he says, I'd been married a few years when the Director came and found me. She needed a ballistics guy, I needed a dental plan, you know how it is.

TRAVIS: Gotta start working on that 401K.

GRIFFIN: It's a good job. But it takes up a lot of my time. And it's on the MOON. And when you keep disappearing for days, and you literally can't tell your husband what you're doing while you're gone...? I don't know how Boyland kept it up for so long. I guess some people figure it out, but we didn't. So. You know. He kind of shrugs a little.

TRAVIS: I hand the flask back to him.

GRIFFIN: Thanks, man. So he takes a drink from it, and then he chuckles. And he says, It's only been a couple of years, but it feels longer, you know?

TRAVIS: You uh....you ever think about dating again?

GRIFFIN: He laughs. And he says, Ooooooh, I've thought about it.

TRAVIS: Come on, you're a good looking guy... [laughs] Wait, Ditto, is he a good looking guy?

GRIFFIN: Extremely.

TRAVIS: Like what type are we talking here? Paint me a word picture.

GRIFFIN: Hmmm. Like a scruffy Trevor Noah.

TRAVIS: [laughs] Yeah, you've got your pick of the orchard, friend. You're good.

GRIFFIN: He looks over at Magnus, and he says, What about you?

TRAVIS: Uh. Hah. I don't....Hmm. I mean I'm....flattered? But I-

GRIFFIN: [loud bark of laughter] No I mean....have you thought about maybe getting back into things again?

TRAVIS: OH! Oh. [laughs] Wow, I went and made this weird!

GRIFFIN: Naw, it's cool.

[long pause]

TRAVIS: Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I still think about her all the time. I don't feel like I can just...replace her. [sighs] But I don't think she'd want me to be alone? Not forever.

[long pause]

TRAVIS: Ditto..?

GRIFFIN: I'm thinking about the best way to do this.

TRAVIS: [laughs] Uh-huuuuuuh?

GRIFFIN: All right. Okay. So Avi does finally look away from you, Magnus. And he takes a loooooong swig of that flask. And he says, So you're flattered, but....?

TRAVIS: [laughs nervously] Wait, what?

GRIFFIN: Scraps, you're a grown-ass man, you know exactly what.

TRAVIS: ...Griffin, is Avi HITTING on me?

GRIFFIN: Don't ask me, man.

TRAVIS: Um...hah, okay, uh. [pause] Magnus takes the flask back.

GRIFFIN: Fair.

TRAVIS: He takes a sip in extreme slow-motion while he figures out what to say.

GRIFFIN: So Magnus bullettimes his way through a mouthful of alcohol and then...?

TRAVIS: And then he says, I'm flattered, but I...guess there isn't a but. I'm flattered. If I'm...understanding you. Otherwise, I want the ground to open up and spit me out the bottom of the Moon Base so I can die from that instead of embarrassment.

GRIFFIN: Avi's smiling at you.

TRAVIS: Okayyyyy.

GRIFFIN: He says, Look, Magnus. I'm not gonna pretend like I have any idea what you're going through. BUT...if you decide you're ready for some company again..? I'd be up for that. That'd be real nice.

TRAVIS: Friendly company, or...?

GRIFFIN: He smiles again. And he says, I guess that's up to you.

GRIFFIN: So Taako, despite the fact that you openly insulted them inside of their place of work, the staff at the Bureau cafeteria has said they'll let you use the kitchen. So you've told Angus to meet you there and go over the plan. And he's there like, a full half hour early.

JUSTIN: Suck-up.

GRIFFIN: And he says, Hello, sir!

JUSTIN: [sighs] Hey, little man.

GRIFFIN: Oh gosh, I'm just so excited to get started with this catering adventure! I've never really cooked anything before that humans have enjoyed eating, but I'm sure it'll be fine and not a humiliating disaster that will cast a permanant shadow over my future in this organization!

JUSTIN: Listen, kid, you're not gonna have to cook anything. I'll take care of that. Like my name is gonna be on this, I have a reputation.

GRIFFIN: Oh. Well. Is there...some other wedding-related responsibility that you've asked me here to help you with?

JUSTIN: So here's the thing...I can cook. Oh! I can cook. I make a spinach lasagne that will literally alter the course of your life. The cooking's not the problem it's the LOGISTICS, you see. The spreadsheets. Seating plans. Table service. You dig?

GRIFFIN: No, sir, I do not.

JUSTIN: See, here's the DL. I'll bake the cake myself the day before, ain't no amateur motherfucker gonna touch one grain of sugar for that shit.

GRIFFIN: Duly noted.

JUSTIN: Morning of, you'll chop vegetables for a couple of hours. And then you'll stay out of my way while I make dinner for every asshole on this station. And then I'M gonna go help myself to the open bar, and YOU will make sure my culinary gifts end up where they're supposed to.

GRIFFIN: So you're saying that you'll do the fun things and I'll do all of the not-fun things.

JUSTIN: Got it in one.

GRIFFIN: Fortunately one of my most beloved hobbies is crossing items off of todo lists.

JUSTIN: Taako musses up his hair. Yeah, see? When you think about it, I'm doing you a favor.

GRIFFIN: H-ha ha! Oh, good jibe, sir! A good good goof. And then he looks a little nervous.

JUSTIN: Hey, it's cool, little man, what's on your mind?

GRIFFIN: Well...sir, I do have one other question, although I'm afraid it's impertinent and may disrupt this jovial atmosphere of collaboration.

JUSTIN: You don't say.

GRIFFIN: It was my understanding, sir, that you generally prefer to avoid cooking for large groups of people about whom you have affectionate feelings, due to certain details of your backstory, which I won't remind you of because I don't want to ruin this nice moment we're sharing together.

JUSTIN: Oh, that? Oh! [laughs] Shit, Angus, you know that whole mess turned out to be more of a disgruntled employee thing. Totally not my fault.

GRIFFIN: Given my knowledge of your professional history, sir, am I correct in assuming that this would have been YOUR employee, and therefore disgruntled due to your management of the workplace?

[long pause]

GRIFFIN: Forget I said anything, vegetable chopping it is.

JUSTIN: Listen...I'm gonna shoot straight with you here.

GRIFFIN: Angus takes out his notebook.

JUSTIN: Fuck...kid, seriously, put that away and just LISTEN.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] He panics a little and drops it on the floor.

JUSTIN: I kick it under the table.

GRIFFIN: Great. Fine.

JUSTIN: Here's the thing. I actually really miss? Cooking for big groups of people? Most of the good times I had before this gig were all about cooking and food. Big pot of stew at camp while everyone tells stories. Rolling into town with my cart and doing stupid knife tricks for kids. And then...well, you know. Then it wasn't so fun for a while.

GRIFFIN: No, sir, I suppose it wouldn't have been.

JUSTIN: I learned to cook with my family, and I haven't seen them since...hell, since I was your age. And I guess what I'm saying is that I'm tired of letting a shitty thing that someone else did to me ruin the only part of my old life I've got left.

GRIFFIN: So will you be teaching me the secrets of the kitchen, just like you were taught when you were a little boy?

JUSTIN: Absolutely not.

GRIFFIN: Oh. Okay.

JUSTIN: ...Naw, I'm just fucking with you.

GRIFFIN: Angus perks up.

JUSTIN: I'll teach you how to chop onions so I don't ever have to do it again.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] So do you do anything else while you're down in the kitchen....?

JUSTIN: Well I mean, Taako DOES have several decades of food service experience to pass down to the next generation.

GRIFFIN: His legacy of noms.

JUSTIN: So sure, yeah he walks Angus through the menu he's got figured out, explains how he wants the mise en place set up. Gives him a shopping list for the Fantasy Costco.

GRIFFIN: I gotta say I did not expect this level of organization from Taako.

JUSTIN: Griffin. He's a professional.

GRIFFIN: So you finish up in the kitchen. And...have you made that call yet?

JUSTIN: I have not.

GRIFFIN: I mean...I THINK I know who you're-

JUSTIN: Oh yes. Yes you do.

GRIFFIN: So you head back down to your room, and ya ring up ya boy. Who answers very quickly, by the way.

JUSTIN: Nice. Good sign.

GRIFFIN: And he says, Oh! Taako, hi. Wasn't...sure when I'd be hearing from you.

JUSTIN: Yeah, sorry. Shit's been pretty real on this end. Still not dead, though.

GRIFFIN: He laughs. Yes, well I haven't seen you kicking around the astral plane, so. I gathered. Something you need?

JUSTIN: Oh, you know.... [laughs] Fuck, this is actually kind of intimidating.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] You gotta just go for this shit, man. Just dive right into those deep, deep waters.

JUSTIN: Listen, any chance you'd wanna get together again? Have another hang sesh?

GRIFFIN: Business or pleasure?

JUSTIN: Oh ABSOLUTELY the latter.

GRIFFIN: He laughs again.

JUSTIN: Describe this laugh.

GRIFFIN: Eighty percent pleasantly surprised, twenty percent nervous.

JUSTIN: Fucking perfect.

GRIFFIN: He says, Did you have something particular in mind, or....?

JUSTIN: Griffin, when is this wedding exactly?

GRIFFIN: Hmm. Let's saaaaaaaaaay next Saturday. Aaaaaaaat....six?

JUSTIN: How about you swing by my place next Saturday at half past five and we'll go from there.

GRIFFIN: Do you...want to get dinner, or...?

JUSTIN: Let's see where the evening takes us.

GRIFFIN: Juice, are you seriously not going to tell him you're inviting him to a fucking WEDDING.

JUSTIN: Taako has his reasons.

GRIFFIN: Reasons you're going to explain to me and to our listening audience or...?

JUSTIN: Nope.

GRIFFIN: You're sure about this. You're committed.

JUSTIN: Yep.

GRIFFIN: ALL RIGHT! Okay, well. He says, Looking forward to it, and he hangs up, and I guess we'll just see! How this goes!

GRIFFIN: So Merle, the Director asked you to come by her office when you had a chance. Are you gonna wait a few days, or...?

CLINT: [sighs] No. No, may as well get it over with.

GRIFFIN: So when you get there she isn't behind her desk, she's over at a little table in the corner. And she's set out a nice snack spread -- like some tea and cookies.

CLINT: What kind of cookies are we talking?

GRIFFIN: Snickerdoodles.

CLINT: Acceptable.

GRIFFIN: So you take a seat across from her, and she says, Merle, I honestly cannot believe it's come to this, but I could use your advice.

CLINT: Oh, really.

GRIFFIN: She says, As I'm sure you're aware, Carey and Killian have asked me to be the officiant for their wedding, which of course I'm happy to do.

CLINT: Mmm-hmm.

GRIFFIN: But it's put me in something of an awkward spot. Seeing as I'm not a cleric, and...well, if I'm honest, I'm not really a fan of public speaking, just in general.

CLINT: You know, you should look into Toastmasters.

GRIFFIN: They DO have a chapter in Neverwinter.

CLINT: Changed my life.

GRIFFIN: But in the meantime, I do have to conduct a marriage ceremony in like six days.

CLINT: So you're, what, looking for some tips?

GRIFFIN: Any guidance you might be able to offer would be deeply appreciated, yes.

CLINT: Hmmm.

GRIFFIN: Have you ever been an officiant?

CLINT: A few times, sure. Young couples mostly, you know, kids I met on the road, trying to start a new life. Nothing fancy.

GRIFFIN: She says, Carey and Killian told me they'd prefer a secular ceremony, but is there...some sort of a BOOK I should read, or..?

CLINT: Look, Lucile-

GRIFFIN: [sighs] Lucretia.

CLINT: Sure. If they aren't looking for some particular god to bless the marriage, really it's just paperwork and making folks feel good about getting hitched, right? So if I were you, I'd say some nice things about how you're proud of them, you know, the usual crap-

GRIFFIN: Sentimental bullshit, sure, go on.

CLINT: Then have them say their vows and exchange their rings, and you're good. Seriously, most folks just wanna get to the party, if you keep it short and sweet you'll be fine.

GRIFFIN: She sighs, and she says. More tea?

CLINT: Thanks

GRIFFIN: She sort of thinks for a while. And then she says, I'm worried that they asked me to do this because they want me to say something...I don't know. Wise and profound. Their parents and grandparents aren't going to be there, so I'll have to do.

CLINT: And that's...bad.

GRIFFIN: She takes an extremely angry bite out of a cookie.

CLINT: [laughs]

GRIFFIN: And she says, Merle, Killian and I are practically the same age!

CLINT: Oh yeah. Huh. Do they know that?

GRIFFIN: Of course not. It isn't anyone's business.

CLINT: Well...I mean, that may be true, but you're still their boss, right? You still put this whole thing together. You're still one of the most experienced people here.

GRIFFIN: She takes another bite but it's not as angry.

CLINT: Look, Lucretia, none of us know what the fuck we're doing. All they want is for you to make them feel like things are gonna be okay. Like, we all have to believe that, right?

GRIFFIN: She kind of smiles a little. And she says, Yes, I suppose we do.

CLINT: Soooooooo....you, ah. You have a date lined up already?

GRIFFIN: No, and! Let me just cut you off at the pass here and add, absolutely not.

CLINT: Worth a shot.

GRIFFIN: All right, lotta ground to cover tonight, lotta twisting narrative corridors to collaboratively explore. But first, the question that is no doubt FOREMOST on everyone's mind: what is Taako wearing to this wedding?

JUSTIN: Griffin, SO GLAD you asked, because he's fucking killin' it.

GRIFFIN: Lay it out for me.

JUSTIN: I was thinking some borderline-indecent dress shorts-

GRIFFIN: That is not a thing.

JUSTIN: Fuckin' Google it, I'll wait.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Okay, sure, so fancy-ass shorts, and...?

JUSTIN: And kind of a nice fitted jacket. Something that pops, like maybe in an aquamarine.

GRIFFIN: Mmm-hmmmmmmm.

JUSTIN: And he's got his hair all twisted up into a bun, but like...with a few wisps artfully falling around his face.

GRIFFIN: Shoes?

JUSTIN: Silver oxfords.

GRIFFIN: Nice. NICE. Gonna set that dance floor on FI-YAH.

JUSTIN: Burn it down.

GRIFFIN: You bringing your umbrella?

JUSTIN: Seeing as it tried to kill my date that one time, Taako's gonna leave that shit in the mud room.

GRIFFIN: Good plan.

JUSTIN: He just digs around under his bed and grabs whatever random old wand his hand touches first.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Sure. So by the time five thirty rolls around, Magnus and Merle have both already left. So it's just you in the common room when Kravitz drops in. And by "drops in" I mean he tears open a rift in the fabric of space and time and strolls on through it.

JUSTIN: Yes. Into this.

GRIFFIN: And he's wearing a dark suit, but you notice it's a just liiiiiittle fancier than usual? Like maybe he went allllllll the way to the back of the closet and got out the good shit?

JUSTIN: Love it.

GRIFFIN: And as the rift closes up again, he turns around and sees you, and he smiles. And then he notices what you're wearing. And his eyes widen JUST a smidge.

JUSTIN: I bet.

GRIFFIN: And he says, Well, I ah...I take it we won't be doing any arts and crafts this evening.

JUSTIN: Not as such. And I walk over and hook my arm through his.

GRIFFIN: You seem like you have something in mind.

JUSTIN: It's fair to say I've lined up an activity.

GRIFFIN: He laughs again. And he says, You're being awfully mysterious about this.

JUSTIN: I like to keep things interesting.

GRIFFIN: Annnnd with that, you two kids head on up to quad. And other than being on top of a mechanical moon, it's a pretty typical ceremony setup? Rows of folding chairs, lights strung up everywhere. There's a little woven archway of branches in the front, and the Director's already standing under it looking like she would fucking MURDER for a glass of wine. Pretty much everyone's in their seats already. And it is extremely obvious! That a wedding will take place here in about fifteen minutes.

JUSTIN: Did Merle remember to save me two seats?

GRIFFIN: I'm gonna make an executive decision and say no, zero chance of that. ALSO! I'm gonna need you to do a perception check.

JUSTIN: Ooooooh. Kay. Sure....

[sound of die rolling]

JUSTIN: With my modifier that's....eleven?

GRIFFIN: Yeah, that'll do it. You realize suddenly that you aren't holding Kravitz's arm anymore.

JUSTIN: What, like I let go or-?

GRIFFIN: He has slipped out of your grasp.

JUSTIN: Hmm. I turn to him and say-

GRIFFIN: Actually! You do not!

JUSTIN: [laughs] What?

GRIFFIN: Because Kravitz! Is no longer standing next to you.

JUSTIN: Hold up-

GRIFFIN: In fact, as you look around the quad, you realize that you don't see him anywhere!

JUSTIN: Um. Hmm. All right. [pause] Shit.

GRIFFIN: Mmm-hmmmmmm.

JUSTIN: Can I see where he went, or-?

GRIFFIN: Roll for investigation.

[sound of die rolling]

JUSTIN: .....And that is a TWO.

GRIFFIN: You can't find your own fucking shoes.

JUSTIN: Hang on....a two PLUS FIVE with my modifier.

GRIFFIN: You are standing on some grass. There are people around you?

JUSTIN: Shit. [nervous laugh] Shit, who's close by? Like is there anyone here who might've seen something?

GRIFFIN: SO glad you asked. Because extremely fortunately for you, Angus McDonald-

JUSTIN: [groans]

GRIFFIN: -Boy detective is standing just a little ways away!

JUSTIN: [groans louder]

GRIFFIN: And he's wearing a navy blue tuxedo and carrying a little clipboard.

JUSTIN: All right, that's pretty cute.

GRIFFIN: And golly he is just BRIMMING with eager helpfulness.

JUSTIN: [sighs] I wave him over.

GRIFFIN: Hello, sir! I was just finalizing the instructions for the serving staff, which is extremely time-sensitive and very stressful, but you seem to be in need of my investigative skills!

JUSTIN: Listen, there's been a little bit of hiccup, and I ah....I seem to have temporarily lost track of my date?

GRIFFIN: You mean Mr. Kravitz, elite servant of the Raven Queen, bounty hunter on the trail of escaped souls?

JUSTIN: Got it in one.

GRIFFIN: Angus points to one of the buildings nearby, which Taako would know are mostly offices. And Angus frowns a little, and he says, Sir, are you having a domestic disagreement?

JUSTIN: Nothing you need to worry about, little man.

GRIFFIN: Because the ceremony is due to begin in approximately eleven minutes-

JUSTIN: I turn around and start walking toward the building extremely quickly.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Good luck, sir! he says, and then you're inside the offices. And it's pretty dark, but with your night vision, Taako, you can see that someone's standing just a few feet down the hallway, kind of leaned up against the wall. And it's Kravitz. And he's wearing a long black cloak with the hood pulled up around his face, so you can't really get a look at it from where you're standing.

JUSTIN: Bubbele, hey. Seems like...maybe we're a bit, shall we say...out of sync? Here?

GRIFFIN: He doesn't say anything.

JUSTIN: Listen, don't wanna rush you, but we're a LITTLE tight on time....

GRIFFIN: He looks up at you, and his face is...very not good. Like he hasn't gone the full skell? Not like an actual ass skullface? But kinda halfway there?

JUSTIN: Hoo boy.

GRIFFIN: He says, Sorry. It's...kind of an adrenaline thing. It'll pass.

JUSTIN: Listen, not to worry, I left the umbrella in my-

GRIFFIN: It's not that, he says. And he looks away again.

JUSTIN: ....Okay, Ditto, what's the vibe here? Like can I do another perception role...?

GRIFFIN: You can try and do that, sure.

[sound of die rolling]

JUSTIN: Fourteen! Plus...three. So seventeen.

GRIFFIN: He seems uncomfortable.

JUSTIN: ...Griffin. A SEVENTEEN.

GRIFFIN: He seems VERY uncomfortable.

JUSTIN: [sighs] All right. So...Taako moves a little closer. And he says, Something on your mind?

GRIFFIN: Kravitz takes a little while to answer. And then he says, You brought me to a WEDDING. That I wasn't invited to. With no warning.

JUSTIN: Hey now, I absolutely asked them if I had a plus one, I'm not an animal.

GRIFFIN: Did you specify that your plus one would be the literal Grim Reaper?

JUSTIN: ....Not as SUCH, but listen, they know the deal. You remember, those two kids from the Chug n' Squeeze? You met them during the whole Crystal Kingdom deal, seriously, it's no big! Like we all drank fish piss to be on this fucking station, this is a pretty tough-to-faze crowd.

GRIFFIN: Taako. You took me to a WEDDING. Without TELLING ME first.

JUSTIN: ...Hmm.

GRIFFIN: Who DOES that?

JUSTIN: ...All right, maybe I didn't really think this all the way through, that's fair. That's a good note, point taken. Thought it might be a laugh, you know. A fun time. Obviously...not a great call...

GRIFFIN: Is this...Taako, are you just MESSING with me?

JUSTIN: What? No! Why would...of course I'm not.

GRIFFIN: Look, I realize it must be pretty hilarious for you to be going on fun dates with Death, a real good goof-

JUSTIN: Listen, that's not-

GRIFFIN: But I am also a PERSON. I'm a person with a job that makes a lot of other people uncomfortable, and I'm just...fuck, Taako, what do you even want from me? Seriously, why am I HERE?

[long pause]

JUSTIN: Hey. Hey, listen, I'm sorry. You're right. I wasn't thinking. [pause] Does it seem like he's listening..?

GRIFFIN: He is.

JUSTIN: What I want is to drink a lot of free wine. And eat cake. And maybe dance a little. And just...not think about all the other shit. Just have a good time while we can. And... [pause] And I'd like to do all that stuff with you.

GRIFFIN: And why is that?

JUSTIN: Well, because... [laughs] Fuck, he's gonna make me actually say it.

GRIFFIN: This is a THOUSAND percent your fault.

JUSTIN: [sighs] Because you're fucking dreamy as shit, obviously. Fuck! Like go look in a mirror, why are we even having this conversation?

GRIFFIN: He laughs.

JUSTIN: Can I see his face?

GRIFFIN: Not really.

JUSTIN: I reach up and push back his hood.

GRIFFIN: Oh ho.

JUSTIN: How's he look?

GRIFFIN: Better.

JUSTIN: Smiling?

GRIFFIN: A little. And the cloak kinda melts away, almost like it's evaporating? Until he's standing there just in his suit again, back to his usual stupidly handsome self. And then he looks right at you, Taako. Deep into your eyes.

JUSTIN: Mmm-HMMMM.

GRIFFIN: And he says, For realsies, though, you have to ask if it's okay for you to bring me to this thing, I'm not kidding.

JUSTIN: [groaning laughter]

GRIFFIN: Also the ceremony starts in like five minutes.

JUSTIN: Fine, I text Magnus.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Just whip out your Nokia...?

JUSTIN: You said the Stones of Farspeech have apps, that's canon! Texting is an app!

GRIFFIN: How do you type on a necklace rock?

JUSTIN: It's a slide-out keyboard.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Fine, okay, what do you say?

JUSTIN: Hang on, Travis is typing.

GRIFFIN: You're texting TRAVIS. [Pause] Wait, now he's texting ME. [pause] He literally just wrote "Can Taako bring Kravitz?" HOW is this the best way to deal with this situation?

JUSTIN: Well can he?

GRIFFIN: Carey says-

JUSTIN: [laughs] No wait! Wait, you gotta tell Travis.

GRIFFIN: Because texting each other in real time is just absolutely GRIPPING radio?

JUSTIN: [still laughing] You gotta respect Magnus' narrative autonomy!

GRIFFIN: Please tell me he's replied to you.

JUSTIN: MAGNUS has replied to TAAKO.

GRIFFIN: Uh-huuuuuh.

JUSTIN: Hey, no worries, Carey says it's cool. Just don't like...reap anyone.

GRIFFIN: Kravitz says, I'm off the clock.

JUSTIN: [laughs]

GRIFFIN: All right. It's time. We're cleared for landing. We're go for launch. These kids are getting MARRIED. It's HAPPENING.

JUSTIN: Okay but stop. Hold up. We absolutely cannot continue with this scene until you tell us what they're wearing.

GRIFFIN: Carey is in a burgundy tux with white spats instead of shoes, 'cause dragon feets.

JUSTIN: Good. Yes.

GRIFFIN: Killian, ALSO a tux, but white and gray.

CLINT: Well she IS a winter.

GRIFFIN: The Director is in a sort of pearl gray robe, very dignified, brings out her eyes.

TRAVIS: Magnus and Avi are in black tuxes with burgundy waistcoats and they look...ah-QUITE handsome.

CLINT: Merle's in a kilt.

JUSTIN: NICE!

GRIFFIN: Yes, everyone looks sharp as fuck, fill in the blanks in your mind's eye.

TRAVIS: Wait, what about Taako?

CLINT: Oh yeah! And your boyfriend, Taakitz!

GRIFFIN: [laughs] No, NO, this episode is gonna be like 50% Taako Talk as it is, you guys can fucking go back and listen to it when it goes up if you wanna hear all the deets on his Wedding Look.

JUSTIN: Dad, we're fierce as FUCK.

CLINT: Well, obviously.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] SO! The ceremony! Is lovely!

TRAVIS: Go on.

GRIFFIN: Magnus, you and Avi walk Carey and Killian up to the little altar at the front. Johan's playing something quiet and sweet. And the Director takes a deep breath, and then she says, Killian, when I first met you I was still a court mage of Neverwinter, and you were still a soldier. The Bureau of Balance was barely more than a floating platform in the sky, with the Voidfish's chamber standing alone on top of it. You and I lived together in tents on the Moon. You were one of the first to be inoculated. You're the only Regulator to have survived those early days.

TRAVIS: [quietly] Well, shit.

GRIFFIN: And then the Director turns to Carey, and she says, Carey, I've recruited nearly every member of this organization personally. Killian is responsible for the only exceptions: our three Reclaimers, and yourself. I will never forget how she looked when you brought her back to us from the Flickering Coast. If you hadn't dragged her into that transport sphere, there's no question that she would have died. I trusted you at once, Carey. Because you saved her life, and because she trusted you first. I knew Killian would rather die than compromise what we've built here together.

TRAVIS: I just wanna say that Magnus is like, openly weeping at this point.

GRIFFIN: The Director is ALSO tearing up, but she keeps it together. And she says, Our mission here is a difficult one, and I treasure every gleam of hope in these dark and uncertain times. Carey...Killian...that you have found each other, fought together, built a partnership of love and joy in the face of everything...you give me hope that we can succeed. And I am honored to stand here today, before our friends and comrades, to formalize a union that has time and again proven unbreakable. And she asks Magnus and Avi for the rings. And Carey and Killian exchange them. And their vows are very simple. Both of them say, I promise to be here with you for as long as I'm able, and to cherish the time that we have. And then the Director says, The Bureau of Balance pronounces you married. You may kiss your wife. And they do. [pause] And then absolutely everyone is crying and yelling.

TRAVIS: Magnus is completely destroyed.

GRIFFIN: Avi kind of leans over to him and says, I'll cover for you if you need a break.

TRAVIS: I smile and I tell him I'll be fine.

GRIFFIN: Will you?

TRAVIS: Eh!

GRIFFIN: And Taako, Kravitz is watching all of this like...SUPER intensely.

JUSTIN: Hmmm.

CLINT: So is that it?

GRIFFIN: It is NOT! In fact, as soon as they've finished with that sweet sweet matrimonial kiss fest, Killian lifts Carey onto her shoulders. And Carey shouts, LET'S GET WRECKED!

TRAVIS: [laughs]

CLINT: Finally!

GRIFFIN: So y'all troop over to the cafeteria, which in the last couple of days has been transformed into a pretty elegant ballroom? All the usual furniture's been cleared out, and there are big round tables with bowls of flowers. Someone's enchanted the ceiling so that you can see the stars, all Potter style. There's a little stage in the back, and what looks like a dance floor. And Taako, your cake is standing over in the corner.

TRAVIS: What flavor is it?

JUSTIN: Raspberry and marzipan. It's five tiers and like, fucking covered in ducks.

TRAVIS: [laughs]

GRIFFIN: So I am absolutely not doing a play-by-play of this entire reception. Like I have been to a billion ACTUAL weddings, I flat-out refuse to narrate an audio journey through the salad course, that's not happening.

CLINT: Thank god.

GRIFFIN: Angus nails the dinner service, Taako's lasagne blows your minds, Carey and Killian are goddamn adorable, their first dance moves you all to tears. And now the plates are cleared, and the music's kinda kickin' up a gear, and it's just the three of you and Kravitz and Avi sitting at the table.

CLINT: Where's Lucretia?

GRIFFIN: Killian dragged her out to the dance floor.

TRAVIS: Hold up...Dad, have either of us like, SEEN Kravitz since the whole crystal deal?

CLINT: Huh. [pause] I don't think so, no.

TRAVIS: Did Taako even tell us they were dating?

JUSTIN: I absolutely did not.

TRAVIS: Okay, so Magnus DEFINITELY has some questions for this dude?

CLINT: I wanna know how much he got paid to take my goddamn arm.

GRIFFIN: Are you actually saying any of this or just staring at each other in profoundly uncomfortable silence?

CLINT: Hey! How much did your boss pay you to get my arm chopped off?

TRAVIS: [laughs]

JUSTIN: I reach over and refill Krav's wineglass like, allllll the way up.

GRIFFIN: Kravitz shifts a little bit in his chair, and he says, That's not...really how it works...

CLINT: Well, you're a bounty hunter, aren't you? So what's the bounty on dwarf arms?

TRAVIS: [laughs] You can't just ask a guy how much he makes, come on!

CLINT: I think I deserve to know!

GRIFFIN: Kravitz says, I don't perform my job for money, if that's what you're getting at.

CLINT: So what, you just do it for kicks?

GRIFFIN: Not exactly...

JUSTIN: Hey, lay off, all right?

GRIFFIN: Kravitz says, It's fine. It's just been a long time since anyone asked. He says, The Raven Queen does, in fact, reward me for my service. And that reward is...well, this.

TRAVIS: Coworker wedding dates?

GRIFFIN: Being here. Among the living, he says. And then he pushes back from the table, and stands up. And he turns to you, Taako, and holds out a hand. And he says, Care to dance?

JUSTIN: Bubbele, I've been ready all night.

GRIFFIN: So you go with him?

JUSTIN: Taako's not a fucking idiot so yeah.

GRIFFIN: All right, well that leaves Merle and Magnus and Avi at the table. And after a second Avi leans over to you, Magnus, and he says, I thought I might go tear it up with Carey and Killian. And then he smiles a little, and he says, You wanna come, or..?

TRAVIS: Maybe later.

GRIFFIN: He kinda pats you on the shoulder-

TRAVIS: What's the nature of this pat?

GRIFFIN: Friendly with a hint of promise.

TRAVIS: [laughs]

CLINT: Hey, is something going-

JUSTIN: Where's that strange voice coming from?

CLINT: Hey, is something going on with you two?

TRAVIS: Uhhhhhhhh.... [laughs nervously] UHHHHHHH....

CLINT: Look, I'm not here to judge. I just want to make sure that you're practicing safe-

TRAVIS: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

GRIFFIN: [very loud bark of laughter]

JUSTIN: [laughs] You thought you'd escaped these Dad Talks forever, but LITTLE DID YOU KNOW!

CLINT: Come on! I'm trying to be supportive here!

TRAVIS: [groan laughs] Nothing is going on everything is fine!

CLINT: Look, Magnus, I wasn't going to say anything-

TRAVIS: YOU STILL DON'T HAVE TO.

CLINT: Kid, I know my marriage and your marriage didn't work out for pretty different reasons. But I've been around the block a few times, you know? I've seen some things. And I'm just SAYING-

TRAVIS: Hey, really, I'm fine-

CLINT: I'M! JUST! SAYING! [sighs] You still have to keep living your life. And if she loved you at all, that's what she'd have wanted, too.

TRAVIS: Maybe.

[long pause]

JUSTIN: Wait, has Avi just been STANDING THERE this entire time?

GRIFFIN: [laughs]

JUSTIN: Like just slowly dying of awkwardness while you two hash this shit out?

GRIFFIN: Naw, he's out there bustin' moves.

TRAVIS: Please describe these moves. Are they good moves? How does Magnus feel about them?

GRIFFIN: How does Magnus feel about Avi?

TRAVIS: [pained laughter] Hnnnnnnnnnnnn I don't knoooooowwwwwwww....

GRIFFIN: Well Avi's maybe not the best dancer in the world but he looks like he's having fun. And meanwhile, Team Sweet Flips are fucking ANNIHILATING. Carey's busting out some SICK ASS breakdancing, Killian's got kind of a pop-n-lock aesthetic going-

TRAVIS: Is Noelle doing the robot?

GRIFFIN: FUNNY ENOUGH, more of a tango?

TRAVIS: [laughs]

GRIFFIN: The Director is just sort of shifting her weight from foot to foot.

JUSTIN: So are we talking more Fantasy Sinatra or Fantasy Ariana Grande?

GRIFFIN: Oh ABSOLUTELY that second thing.

JUSTIN: YESSSSSSS.

TRAVIS: Is this like another Johan gig or-?

GRIFFIN: Naw he on break. But Davenport's got a little DJ setup-

TRAVIS: Now, HOLD ON, we ARE still in a fantasy setting, Griffin.

GRIFFIN: We already have elevators and fucking sentient robots, I think recorded music is probably well within the sphere of bullshit we've established, here.

TRAVIS: ...Fine

GRIFFIN: Also, was not expecting the "DJ" part to be what tripped you up there.

TRAVIS: What, as opposed to the idea of Davenport as a competent orchestrator of dance jams?

GRIFFIN: Kinda?

TRAVIS: I can accept that he has as-yet-unseen depths.

JUSTIN: Okay but listen, let's not lose sight of what's important here, how fucking sick do Kravitz and I look right now?

GRIFFIN: WELL.

CLINT: [sighs] I'm getting another Cheerwine.

JUSTIN: Do that.

GRIFFIN: WELL! It turns out that Kravitz is an EXTREMELY good dancer-

JUSTIN: Fucking OF COURSE.

GRIFFIN: But in kind of an old timey way? Kind of a Mr. Darcy, BBC miniseries thing?

JUSTIN: HMMMMM.

GRIFFIN: And I'll say Taako has a high enough dex that he can keep up.

JUSTIN: What's the vibe here?

GRIFFIN: Is Dad still gone?

JUSTIN: He IS.

GRIFFIN: Juice, this is some HOT. SHIT.

JUSTIN: How hot we talkin'?

GRIFFIN: If Taako didn't want to jump this guy before he ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY does now.

TRAVIS: [laughs]

JUSTIN: Where we at with regards to level of handsiness?

GRIFFIN: Like what's the grab sitch?

JUSTIN: On a scale from zero to senior prom.

GRIFFIN: He's got an arm around your waist.

JUSTIN: Mmmm-HMMMMM.

GRIFFIN: In a manner that is not 100% dance-necessary.

CLINT: [loud sigh] All right, Merle's going to bed.

GRIFFIN: Awww!

CLINT: Looks like I'm the only one not getting laid tonight, so I may as well pack it in.

TRAVIS: [indecipherable yell some distance from mic]

GRIFFIN: I mean...there IS other shit that's supposed to happen later-

CLINT: Justin can come get me from the family room if you need me.

GRIFFIN: So you're just ditching Magnus at the table by himself?

CLINT: I clap him on the shoulder. And I lean in. And I say, Just don't do anything loud, the walls are real thin.

TRAVIS: GROSS!

CLINT: And then I grab a bottle of wine and head downstairs.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Wait is he actually leaving?

JUSTIN: He's halfway across the house, yeah.

GRIFFIN: Man, ditching early and stealing the booze, this is some high fidelity shit on the wedding simulation front.

TRAVIS: Okay. OKAY! Magnus gets up!

GRIFFIN: Oh shit!

TRAVIS: And he walks across the dance floor!

GRIFFIN: OOOOOOH SHIT!

TRAVIS: And he.... [laughs] He starts dancing super awkwardly like five feet away from Avi!

GRIFFIN: [laughs]

TRAVIS: Just a ruff boi satellite of WHAT AM I DOING?

JUSTIN: What ARE you doing?

TRAVIS: I DON'T KNOW!!!

JUSTIN: Oh, I think you do.

TRAVIS: [laughs] This is weird!!!

JUSTIN: You gotta just lean into it, Scraps. Just stare right into the sun.

TRAVIS: [laughs harder]

GRIFFIN: Well AVI is in one of those at-the-club dance circles with Carey and Killian and Noelle.

TRAVIS: Where's the Director?

GRIFFIN: Drinking heavily.

TRAVIS: [laughs]

GRIFFIN: And Magnus, Carey notices your tentative dance hover and kinda waves you on in.

TRAVIS: Okay.

GRIFFIN: So do you go for it?

TRAVIS: ...Yes.

GRIFFIN: Avi grins at you.

TRAVIS: I grin back.

GRIFFIN: He dances over to you so that you're close enough to talk. And he says, How you holding up?

TRAVIS: Good. I'm...I think I'm good. Really.

GRIFFIN: I'm glad.

TRAVIS: How about you?

GRIFFIN: He grins a little wider. And he says, Better, now.

TRAVIS: Now that you're wine drunk and dancing?

GRIFFIN: He says, Now that you're out here wine drunk dancing with me.

[long pause]

JUSTIN: [far away from the mic] GIT IT.

GRIFFIN: [loud bark of laughter]

JUSTIN: [far away from the mic] FUCKIN CLIMB HIM LIKE A TREE.

TRAVIS: [laughing] SHUT UP!!!

GRIFFIN: Avi absolutely heard all of that.

TRAVIS: [groaning laughter]

GRIFFIN: And he looks a little embarrassed? But he's still smiling at you.

TRAVIS: ...DITTO, HELP ME OUT HERE.

GRIFFIN: Help you..?

TRAVIS: [groans]

GRIFFIN: I can't imagine what you mean.

TRAVIS: [groans louder]

GRIFFIN: C'mon big boy, you got it in you.

TRAVIS: [audible breath in and out] Magnus...Magnus moves a little closer....

GRIFFIN: Uh HUHHHH.

TRAVIS: And he says, I've been thinking. About...what you said.

GRIFFIN: Yeah?

TRAVIS: And I think....yeah.

GRIFFIN: He kinda chuckles a little. He says, And..?

TRAVIS: I think I'm ready to try...you know. Being with someone again. [pause] I think maybe it's been long enough.

GRIFFIN: All right, he says. And by this point, you've probably noticed that your other friends have all danced away while you weren't paying attention. So now it's just the two of you. And the music is very loud. And so you have to be very, very close together to be able to hear each other at all. And Avi leans over to your ear. And he says, You know...you look real good in that tux.

TRAVIS: [laughs nervously] Well, I...I mean, SAME....

GRIFFIN: He says, Seriously, it's been killing me all night.

TRAVIS: [laughs] Really?

JUSTIN: Hey, Griffin, check your Skype messages.

GRIFFIN: Oh! Oh....kay.... [pause] [loud bark of laughter]

TRAVIS: What?

GRIFFIN: Hmmm. HMMMM, okay.... [sound of rapid typing]

TRAVIS: What's going on?

GRIFFIN: Well-

JUSTIN: Don't you fucking just tell him! You made ME roll for this shit, come on!

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Okay, fair. FAIR. Scraps, go ahead and do a perception check real quick.

[sound of die rolling]

JUSTIN: And don't you dare fucking cheat on this one.

TRAVIS: [sighs] That's a five.

GRIFFIN: Don't worry your pretty little head about anything.

TRAVIS: COME ON!

GRIFFIN: The dance has consumed you.

TRAVIS: [laughs]

GRIFFIN: Also! Justin has left the call.

TRAVIS: What?

GRIFFIN: He gone.

TRAVIS: So it's just me?

GRIFFIN: Straight-up Magnus.

[long pause]

TRAVIS: ...WHY IS THIS MAKING ME NERVOUS?

GRIFFIN: You tell me, brah.

TRAVIS: What's Avi doing?

GRIFFIN: Dancing like five inches away from your big ol' man bod.

TRAVIS: [nervous laughter]

GRIFFIN: What's MAGNUS doing?

[long pause]

TRAVIS: You'll edit this out later if I tell you to, right?

GRIFFIN: I absolutely do not make any such promises.

[long pause]

TRAVIS: Magnus reaches out. And he kind of...kind of rests a hand. On Avi's hip.

GRIFFIN: Go on.

TRAVIS: And he...leans in.

GRIFFIN: All right.

TRAVIS: And he says...he says, I don't really know how to do this. With another guy.

GRIFFIN: Avi smiles at him. And he says, I can help with that.

TRAVIS: ...Okay wow, hah. I guess I'm doing this.

GRIFFIN: Doing what?

TRAVIS: Does Magnus like...need to help clean up?

GRIFFIN: I think that if you stayed to break down tables instead of hooking up with this boy, Killian and Carey would literally murder you.

TRAVIS: [laughs] Okay, well...then, he takes some time to work up his nerve. And then he asks Avi if he'd like to maybe...maybe go somewhere a little more. Private. Like, not to rush anything just...just to talk. Or...well, definitely talk.

GRIFFIN: Avi's okay with that.

TRAVIS: Yeah?

GRIFFIN: So they head out together?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

GRIFFIN: Avi doesn't have his own room.

TRAVIS: Magnus does.

GRIFFIN: That's true.

TRAVIS: So they...I guess they head down there. Together.

GRIFFIN: And talk?

TRAVIS: Yeah.

[long pause]

TRAVIS: And other things.

[long pause]

GRIFFIN: Is Avi still there in the morning?

TRAVIS: Would he want to be?

GRIFFIN: Definitely yes.

[long pause]

TRAVIS: Then yeah. Yeah, I guess he is.

GRIFFIN: So, just to set the scene here, like...metatextually speaking. It's what, one in the morning?

JUSTIN: It is.

GRIFFIN: And you, Justin, instructed me to make myself a Seven and Seven -- which to be clear, that's a bad decision right there, just to kick things off -- and get on Skype.

JUSTIN: I did.

GRIFFIN: And so here I am, complicit in your efforts to run this episode just...completely off the rails.

JUSTIN: Drink your old man cocktail and stop pretending you don't fucking love this shit.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] All right, so...where we starting here? After you two-

JUSTIN: Maybe a little before that.

GRIFFIN: While you're still dancing.

JUSTIN: Yes.

GRIFFIN: So how's that going for ya?

JUSTIN: Extremely well.

GRIFFIN: Yeah?

JUSTIN: By this point, Taako is THOROUGHLY up in this dude's biz.

GRIFFIN: Kravitz would be juuuuuuuusssst fine with that.

JUSTIN: Fucking of course.

GRIFFIN: Handsiness level has definitely escalated. Definitely cranked up a couple ticks.

JUSTIN: He an ass man?

GRIFFIN: Apparently.

JUSTIN: [laughs] Cheeky.

GRIFFIN: And his hands are very, VERY cold, but it feels...kinda nice? Actually?

JUSTIN: Taako has his arms draped around Krav's shoulders. And he says, So I'm your bounty, huh?

GRIFFIN: Kravitz laughs. And he says, Well...not technically-

JUSTIN: No, pretty sure you said that being here on this date with me is your LITERAL paycheck.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] I suppose it may as well be.

JUSTIN: How long can you stay?

GRIFFIN: He says, Not as long as I'd like. A while.

JUSTIN: A night?

GRIFFIN: He doesn't answer you right away. And then he says, Why do you want to know?

JUSTIN: [laughs] I should think that's pretty fucking obvious.

GRIFFIN: I'm...a bit out of practice with this sort of thing.

JUSTIN: What sort of thing?

GRIFFIN: He pulls you a little closer. And he says, Any sort of thing that involves spending the night.

JUSTIN: [laughs]

GRIFFIN: You really aren't just fucking with me?

JUSTIN: Not yet, bubbele, but the evening's still young.

GRIFFIN: Seriously.

JUSTIN: C'mon, of course I'm not.

GRIFFIN: I just can't figure out why you'd want.... And he looks a little embarrassed. And he says, There have to be easier men to date.

JUSTIN: Well sure, but let's be real, we're both in that fucking boat.

GRIFFIN: Taako, I'm not even ALIVE.

JUSTIN: Yeah well according to you I'm dead like a dozen times over, so-

GRIFFIN: No. No, you're very, VERY alive, he says. It's...honestly, it's a little intoxicating.

[long pause]

GRIFFIN: You still there?

JUSTIN: I'm thinking.

[long pause]

JUSTIN: [sighs] You're just so fucking DECENT.

GRIFFIN: I'm...sorry...?

JUSTIN: You're a literal servant of the goddess of death. You're probably one of the most dangerous people on the planet-

GRIFFIN: Well, I don't know about-

JUSTIN: I pull some asshole prank on you because I'm like, physically incapable of just asking for things like a normal person, and you're still HERE. And you're being so NICE about it.

GRIFFIN: Taako-

JUSTIN: FUCK!

GRIFFIN: Taako, he says. And you aren't really dancing anymore? Just kind of...leaning on each other. And his mouth is close to your ear. And he says, I'm here because I want to be.

JUSTIN: [laughs] Fuck.

GRIFFIN: Are you all right?

JUSTIN: NO.

[long pause]

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Don't tell me you're nervous.

JUSTIN: Of course I'm nervous. I'm fucking terrified.

GRIFFIN: Of me?

JUSTIN: Don't be an idiot. [sighs] I'm terrified of wanting something I can't just TAKE.

GRIFFIN: Kravitz pulls you a little closer. And he says, Well that's a ridiculous thing to worry about.

JUSTIN: [laughs] Come on, I-

GRIFFIN: You obviously already have me.

[long pause]

GRIFFIN: So how's Taako doing at this point?

JUSTIN: He is absolutely losing his shit.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] Really?

JUSTIN: It has been a LONG. ASS. TIME.

GRIFFIN: You know, I actually wouldn't have expected that, but I can see...yeah.

JUSTIN: Kind of a prickly motherfucker.

GRIFFIN: So what does he do?

JUSTIN: He...hmm. [pause] Jesus fuck, dating is awful.

GRIFFIN: The literal worst.

JUSTIN: [groaning laughter] Ummmm.....

[long pause]

JUSTIN: He says, We can go. If you want.

GRIFFIN: Go where?

JUSTIN: [audible breath in and out] [quietly] I think you know.

GRIFFIN: Then yes. Yes that is...VERY much what I want.

JUSTIN: [chuckles]

[Music: excerpt from Little Furnace begins playing softly in the background]

GRIFFIN: So you slip out together. And you walk across the quad to your private elevator.

JUSTIN: Taako's holding onto his arm again.

GRIFFIN: Merle's gone to bed already, and Magnus is still upstairs. So no one's in the common room when you get there. And you can see the lights of a city through the window in the floor, passing slowly by. And it's dark. And it's quiet. And Kravitz says, Can you do something for me?

JUSTIN: Depends.

GRIFFIN: He smiles. And he says, Do you have a wand?

JUSTIN: I do.

GRIFFIN: Cast Prestidigitation.

JUSTIN: [laughs] What?

GRIFFIN: A warmth spell. Right here, he says. And he points to this chest.

JUSTIN: Taako can manage that.

GRIFFIN: So this is a novice's spell, one of the first you would've learned. It's only powerful enough to affect his upper torso. But if you think about it, you might realize that while he isn't technically alive, he does have a heartbeat. And as the two of you stand there, you can feel the warmth spreading out through the rest of his body, all the way down to his fingers. Which you know, because he's holding your waist. And he smiles at you. And he leans in. And he kisses you. And it isn't cold at all.

GRIFFIN: So I'll confess...I did originally have a whole other pile of crazy shit planned for this episode. Red Robes show up at the reception, chaos erupts, Carey and Killian fight a lich in their wedding tuxes, blood on the dance floor, the whole deal. But then we got halfway through, and you know what I realized? This year has been fucking rough. It's been rough for these fiction kids, it's been rough for us real-world flesh people, and you know what? Enough. Enough! So nothing bad happens at all. Carey and Killian share a magical wedding night. No one dies. There is not a single moment of peril on that entire fucking base.

TRAVIS: In the end, the only risk was to our own, soft hearts.

CLINT: Speak for yourself. Merle drank that entire bottle of wine.

TRAVIS: [laughs] Sure, but dwarves ARE resistant to poison.

GRIFFIN: So we're recording this a couple of days later, and I asked you all to think about how your characters are doing the next morning. Y'all drink a big glass of water, you pop a couple advil...?

CLINT: Merle makes a stack of bacon sandwiches and goes to see how Lucretia's doing.

GRIFFIN: She DID get absolutely plastered.

CLINT: And we hang out in her office for a few hours and complain about loud music and hookup culture.

TRAVIS: Who even told you what "hookup culture" is?

JUSTIN: That's my bad.

GRIFFIN: [laughs] How about you, Scraps?

TRAVIS: Magnus and Avi are up at a reasonable hour for the traditional wedding party brunch with Carey and Killian.

GRIFFIN: They spend literally the entire time waggling their eyebrows at you.

TRAVIS: And Magnus is pleasantly surprised to feel pretty okay about the whole thing. He's been thinking about Julia all morning, and about how much he misses her. But he's happy to see his friends building this new life together. And he's happy to be...well. [laughs] Mayyyyyyyyybe starting a little something new himself?

CLINT: Good man.

TRAVIS: Justinnnnnnnn. I assume you're not gonna tell us-

JUSTIN: Oh no, I'll tell you. Taako's got nothing to hide.

GRIFFIN: Uh-huh.

JUSTIN: He walks out into the kitchen at like ten in the morning wearing Kravitz' shirt, makes a pot of coffee, and then disappears back into his room.

GRIFFIN: [loud bark of laughter]

JUSTIN: And then you don't see him for the rest of the fucking day.