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It’s been over 2 and a half billion seconds, which is about 80 years, since I’ve found myself here on Erid.
Now, you might be asking yourself “how the 🎵🎶🎵🎵 am I still alive?” The answer is simple; Rocky is a stubborn son of a boulder and Eridian scientists are terrifying when properly motivated.
After a few years on Erid, my body decided to remind everyone that the thousands of years of evolution were hopelessly ill-equipped to handle Eridian atmospheric pressure.
Rocky, and the Eridian science team, took offence to this and decided to “fix” my body.
To them, human evolution is just “bad design”.
While I’d like to say my expertise were involved in this process, I simply just gave them an idea of what was “wrong”, and let them go wild.
I have to say, I’m liking what they’ve done.
I’m still human, just stronger, faster, and practically immune to all diseases known to men. My lungs can handle Erid’s atmosphere.
My bones don’t complain about the gravity anymore. And my immune system is like a kid on a sugar rush.
Yes, I’m a fudging super soldier.
Or, in Rocky’s words, “much less squishy”.
But enough about me.
This story is about how humanity finally figured out how to outrun light and, somehow, landed on my front lawn.
Get off my lawn, ya darn kids!