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Summer.
The name that always holds a special place in my heart. Summer seasons are something that I have loved since I was just a child. In this season, my family and I would go to our family beach house and stay there for a week.
The beach would always be filled with various people coming to also find comfort and relaxation like us.
I’m glad, though, that our beach house is far from the crowded places here. I wouldn’t say that I’m not fond of people, but I really love my privacy. Seasons like this make me wanna sweat a lot by doing some beach volleyball with my sister or swim in the ocean when the sun doesn’t hurt my skin that much.
It was always a family tradition of ours to have a short vacation in the summer. Yet, for this year, my sister and I went on our own.
“We’re very sorry, anak. May problema lang sa work kaya hindi muna tayo makakapunta sa beach house this summer, okay?” My dad told us one time during our dinner.
I felt sadness and disappointment. A feeling that often comes to me now that my dad just got promoted at work, and my mom is also busy with hers.
I look at my sister’s direction, already expecting her to mirror the same emotions I was wearing.
While I could hide the emotions already building up in my stomach, my sister, Yves, couldn’t hide hers.
Kitang-kita ko sa mukha niya ang tampo at disappointment habang kumakain.
“‘Wag kang ganyan, Yves. Para sa inyo ng Ate Alora mo ang ginagawa namin. Marami pa namang ibang pagkakataon para makapunta tayo doon.” Saway ni mama sa kanya pagkatapos siyang makitang may ganoong ekspresyon.
Mas humigpit ang hawak ko sa baso habang pinagmamasdan ang kapatid ko.
My pure-hearted little sister who just loves her family so much. In this family, she’s the only one who’s not tainted by the unfairness of life, and I would like for that to stay until she can finally grow on her own.
“I’ll drive us there,” I said before looking at my father’s eyes directly. “I can look after us na, pa. If hindi kayo ni mama makakapunta, then let us enjoy this summer kahit kaming dalawa lang.”
“You just got your driver’s license, Alora. Are you sure you can do long drives without us?”
I nodded. “It’s a nice way din po to practice my driving. I promise I’ll also be careful on the road.”
My father looks at me before glancing at my mother, whose face is stern as always. Alam kong ayaw niya kaming payagan na umalis na kaming dalawa lang, but she also knows na I’m old enough to decide. Kahit walang permission from them, I would still go and take my sister out of here and go to our beach house so we could enjoy this summer before Yves and I go back to school again.
Father sighed before nodding at me. “You can use your card na lang para sa groceries niyo, okay? I’ll send you some allowances just in case.”
“Alright,” I replied while I looked at my sister.
Wala na ang disappointment sa mukha niya. She was now smiling happily as she enjoyed her meal dahil sa narinig.
I can’t help but smile internally. I’m glad it made her happy.
That summer, I drove for almost two hours before we reached our beach house. Hindi na ako nag-worry na marumi ang bahay dahil may maintenance dito twice a month. We also called in advance para malinis nila ang beach house before we arrive.
It was almost sunset when we arrived at the place. I let Yves carry some of our things while I carefully set my car near our place. Bitbit ko ang maleta ko at ang dalawang malalaking plastic na puno ng groceries sa kabila kong kamay.
My sister already turned on the lights in the house and outside. I saw new, unfamiliar faces near our place. They were both girls pero hindi ko maaninag ang mga mukha nila dahil hindi sila abot ng ilaw. I could see their silhouettes, though.
One was crouching on the sand, while the other figure was sitting directly on the sand, holding her leg.
Kumunot ang noo ko at agad napaisip. Is that girl hurt?
Mabilis naman akong naglakad sa loob ng beach house at iniwan ang mga gamit sa may sala. I immediately called out for Yves to bring me our emergency medkit while trying to find a flashlight in the kitchen.
“Ito, ate. Ano meron?” Yves asked after giving me the medkit.
I let out a breath before answering her. “Someone’s hurt yata outside. You wanna come with me?”
Kaagad naman siyang tumango kaya lumabas kaming dalawa at pinuntahan ang dalawang pigura na malapit sa bahay namin.
As we grew near the two figures, I slowly confirmed that my hunch was right. There was a girl with a bloody knee sitting on the sand while the other person she was with was frantic and obviously didn’t know what to do.
“Tawagan ko na kaya sila Mommy, beh? Grabe na ‘tong dugo sa tuhod mo, o. ‘Di ka pa makatayo.”
“Okay lang ako, ‘te. Wait lang tayo ilang minutes magiging okay na ako.” The voice sounded so positive, even when it was obvious that the pain was getting into her.
Tumikhim ako para makuha ang atensyon nilang dalawa. Yves was just behind me, holding my shirt as she peeked at them.
“Hi, I’m Alora.” I introduced myself before I pointed at the bloody wound. “I saw you two earlier when we arrived. That looks bad and baka magka-infection pa if not treated immediately.” Inangat ko ang dalang medkit. “If you two wouldn’t mind, I could treat her with this.”
Nagkatinginan naman silang dalawa. I know that look. Of course, they’d be careful with a stranger. I won’t force them, though, if ayaw nilang magpagamot sa’kin. The important thing is that I offered to help.
Ilang segundo pa ang lumipas bago tumayo ang nakaluhod na babae para bigyan ako ng space. Tinanguan ko naman siya bago pumalit sa puwesto niya kanina. Tumingala ako at tinawag ulit si Yves para kumuha ng malinis na tubig. Nag-representa naman ang kasamang babae nitong may sugat na samahan ang kapatid ko.
I wasn’t worried naman na may mangyari kaya hinayaan ko na lamang sila.
Habang inaayos ko ang dalang medkit at hinahanap ang mga gagamitin sa sugat, nagsalita ang babae sa harapan ko.
“H-hello po. Sorry po sa abala.”
I stopped what I’m doing before looking at her.
Para namang tumigil ang oras noong makita ko ang mata niyang may luha na. It looks so expressive. So pretty. Far from my eyes na parang patay dahil sa kakulangan ng emosyon.
Kitang-kita ko rin ang pag-ngiwi niya. Halatang pinipigilang ipakita na nasasaktan siya.
Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanya para inspeksyunin ang sugat niya. Hindi naman ito sobrang malalim pero halatang masakit pa rin.
“Ako po pala si Summer.”
I nodded and flashed her a small smile. “I’m Alora.”
“Alam ko po. Narinig ko kanina noong nagpakilala ka.” She winced in pain again. “Sorry po.”
“It’s okay. It’s natural na you’ll feel pain.” My smile relaxed. “May I ask where you got this wound?”
“Naglalaro lang po kami kanina ni Ate Jo sa may dalampasigan tas nadapa ako.” She laughed, but then stopped when the pain hit her again. “Nakaluhod yata ako sa shell.”
“Oh,” I should hire someone to remove the dangerous seashells from the shore.
She continued talking about her time with her sister earlier, while I just stared at her. I don’t know why, but I’m fascinated with how she talks. Nakakatuwa rin na marinig ang tawa niya kahit na paminsan-minsan ay napapatigil siya dahil sa sakit ng sugat.
Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas bago bumalik si Yves kasama ang kapatid ni Summer—I’m just assuming that they’re sisters since tinawag siyang ate ni Summer kanina.
“Sorry, Ate. Bumili pa kami sa malapit ni Ate Jo. Naka-lock pa pala ‘yung kuntador ng tubig natin tapos wala ring stock ng tubig kahit sa ref.” My sister explained.
I just nodded. “It’s fine. Thank you.” I made a mental note to remind our caretaker na paandarin ‘yung water sa beach house kasi baka nakalimutan lang nilang gawin.
Kaagad ko namang kinuha ang tubig at ibinuhos iyon sa sugat ni Summer para malinis.
“Aw!”
“I’m sorry. It will get better soon, I promise.” I said to her while I continued cleaning her wound with an antiseptic before applying betadine and covering it with a bandage. Buti at complete dito ang gamit sa loob ng medkit kaya wala na akong naging problema sa paggamot sa kanya.
“Done!” I said before standing up. “Saan ba kayo nakatira? Ihatid ko na kayo para ‘di na si Summer mahirapan.” I offered.
“Ay okay lang,” The one Summer called Jo said. “Nasa may cottage lang malapit parentals namin. Nagpunta lang talaga kami dito para mag-swimming kasi tapos ito ang nangyari.”
“Oh, tulungan na kita then na pumunta sa cottage niyo.”
“Naku! Okay lang, ako na bahala dito. Kanina pa kami nakaabala sa inyo eh.”
“Ate, paano mo naman ako matutulungan, eh may scoliosis ka.”
Parehas naman silang natahimik noong sinabi ‘yun ni Summer. Rinig ko naman ang mahinang pagtawa ng kapatid ko kaya ‘di ko na rin napigilan na mapangiti.
“I’ll carry her on my back. Don’t worry, I won’t drop her.” I gave her a reassuring smile.
Jo finally gave up and agreed. Tumalikod naman ako at yumuko sa harapan ni Summer.
“Get on my back. Hawak ka sa leeg ko nang mabuti.” I said quietly, na kaagad niya namang sinunod.
Ramdam ko naman ang init na nanggagaling sa kanya noong sumampa siya sa likod ko.
I followed Jo silently as she made her way to their cottage. I saw a few people in the area since gabi na. When we reached their cottage, kaagad na lumapit sa amin ang isang lalaki na nasa mid-40s yata. Sobrang worried ang ekspresyon nito, lalo na noong makita si Summer na nasa likod ko.
“Anong nangyari sa inyong mga bata kayo? Jusko hahanapin na sana namin kayo.” The old man said as he worriedly checked on Jo before facing me. “Hi, ako nga pala si Paulo, dad nila ako. Pasensya na kung naabala ka ng mga anak namin.”
“I’m Alora po,” Ibinaba ko na si Summer bago siya alalayan ng dad niya. “It’s fine. No worries po. I just helped them.”
“Nadapa po kanina si Summer sa may dalampasigan. Ginamot ni Alora ‘yung sugat niya.”
Napakamot na lamang sa ulo ang dad nila. “Hays, ang kukulit niyo kasi! Mommy, ito si Alora. Tinulungan niya ang mga bulilit natin.”
A woman who looks exactly like Summer came to us with a worried look but it immediately disappeared when she saw her two daughters na mukhang mga guilty.
”Hi! I’m very sorry sa mga anak namin. Can we offer you anything? Food? Water?”
“It’s okay po. I’m just glad I could help.”
“Are you sure?”
Tumango ako. “Yes po. I need to go back to my sister pa po.”
“Sa inyo ‘yung beach house diyan sa malapit?” Their dad asked me which I responded with a nod.
Kumunot ang noo nito na parang nag-iisip. Then his eyes suddenly widened na parang may naalala. ”Are you Edwin Arceta’s daughter?”
I was a little surprised to hear my father’s name. “Ah, yes, sir. Do you know him?”
“Yes! He’s our real estate agent. Naghahanap kasi kami ng bahay tapos na-mention niya na merong available sa village na tinitirahan niya.” He smiled. “He also said na may beach house siya malapit sa area na ‘to at may dalawang anak na babae rin. What a coincidence.”
“Oh,” That was all I could utter since I didn’t actually know what response I should give lalo na if connected sa trabaho ni dad na ayokong marinig. “That’s nice po.”
“Well, we will still check the place so baka makita mo kami at itong mga anak namin kung naroon ka pag pumunta kami.”
I smiled faintly. “I might not be there po since I have school. I don’t stay that often din sa bahay.” Kung hindi lang dahil sa kapatid ko hindi talaga ako uuwi sa bahay na iyon.
Ilang sandali pa ay nagpaalam na ako. I saw how Summer was staring at me in my peripheral vision as I left them.
That night, my sister and I ate in peace for the first time in a while. Nakapagpahinga rin kami sa ingay ng bahay kahit tuwing dinner. Nakahinga rin kami kahit ngayon lang.
She spoke a lot about Jo and Summer. Halatang gustong-gusto niya silang maging kaibigan. It actually made me happy to see her smiling and talking like this. When our parents started arguing, my sister started getting quiet, too. Minsan na lang din siya lumalabas kasama ang mga kaibigan niya or even talk about them.
“Good night,” I said to my sister before kissing her on her forehead and leaving her room.
Ayoko pang matulog. Hindi rin naman ako makakatulog kahit pilitin ko.
I silently went out of the beach house to take a walk on the shore and maybe swim.
Wala nang tao sa dalampasigan, but I could still see some lights not far away from our place. It was midnight already so it’s understandable if there weren’t people anymore lurking around the area next to us.
The night is cold, and it is refreshing. I love the summer air at night. Mas malamig kasi siya compared to other seasons para sa’kin. I love how the air caresses my skin. It was like it was comforting me silently. Like an embrace that I didn’t know I needed.
After walking for a while, I sat on the sand with both my knees folded. I rested my chin on my knees as my gaze lingered on the sea where waves continuously clash with each other.
Hindi ko na namalayan kung ilang minuto na ako sa ganoong posisyon bago ko maramdaman na may umupo sa tabi ko. Tiningnan ko naman ang tao na tumabi sa’kin, only to see Summer in her little pajamas.
Magulo pa ang buhok niya, halatang galing na sa tulog pero nagising lang ulit.
“Summer, hi,” I said while I looked at her sleepy expression. “Why are you here? It’s almost one in the morning.”
“Hello, ate.” She pouted. “Nagising me kasi ang ingay ni Ate Jo kaya lumabas ako sa room.”
“Hindi kayo umuwi?”
“No po. May rooms na binook si daddy kong pogi diyan sa resort na katabi nitong beach house niyo. Sabi ko kasi gusto ko pa sana kayong makalaro bago kami umuwi, and thank you, Lord! Pumayag sila hehe.”
I can’t help but stare at her as she laughed out loud. Sobrang saya ng mukha niya. Her cute expressions against the glow of the moonlight made her even prettier in my eyes.
“We’re strangers, though,” I said quietly while never letting my eyes leave her face. “Are you okay with that?”
She stopped laughing and then looked at me with a smile still plastered on her lips.
“Kaya nga gusto kitang makilala pa.” Her smile widened. “Hi ako po pala si Summer, I’m 16. I just wanted to say na you’re so pretty po, and thank you sa pag gamot sa’kin kanina.”
I was a little surprised when she introduced herself to me again.
She cutely extended her hand towards me. Hindi ko naman mapigilan na mapangiti sa ginawa niya. She’s just too adorable.
I accepted her hand. “I’m Alora Arceta. I’m 20. You’re very welcome, Summer.”
That was the beginning of our friendship that grew more as the years went by. They bought the house near ours in the village. It was not their first choice according to Jo, but Summer’s insistence made them settle there finally.
They couldn’t say no to their little girl.
While the time blurred, we met new people and became friends with them.
—
More summers came in the blink of an eye. With it, my friendship with Summer deepened.
Our once family tradition turned into mine and my friends’ tradition. The beach house became mine when I turned 23. A gift from my parents they say, but I know better. They just want to make it up to me—to us.
They couldn’t do it through giving us attention so they tried to make it up by giving us the ownership of this beach house where many of our memories are now distorted because of their absence in our lives.
This year, we celebrated my birthday by the beach. Our friend brought a guitar and built a campfire to warm us up while we enjoyed the night. Some were obviously very drunk already but I think they’re just fine. If ever they puke or something, we’ll just bring them inside the house to clean them up and let them rest.
I went inside the house to get some ice since we’re almost out na sa labas. I could still hear their rowdy voices outside while I prepare the ice in the kitchen and some additional snacks since I also noticed na mauubos na ‘yung mga pagkain doon.
I opened the fridge to check kung meron pa akong pwedeng kunin doon bago ako lumabas ulit and when I closed it, bigla na lamang bumungad sa tabi ko si Summer na malawak Ang ngiti pero medyo tipsy na.
Her eyes were already sleepy but she’s fighting the urge to fall asleep. She leaned on the counter where the ice bucket is prepared with the snacks before she spoke to me.
“Ate, kamusta naman ang work?”
I paused for a moment as I process her question. I was already starting my internship and is in the process of getting absorbed by the company because of my performance. I don’t tell her anything about my job dahil alam kong she’ll get worried.
Pero kahit hindi ko sabihin nararamdaman niya pa rin pala.
I sighed before closing the fridge. Tiningnan ko si Summer na nakatingin lang din sa’kin. Her eyes were getting cloudy because of the drinks she had but she’s still trying her best to focus sa’kin.
I closed my fist. “Work is okay. It’s not fun but it’s helping me gain experience.” I answered.
Kinuha ko ang bucket sa harapan niya bago binigay sa kanya ang ibang chichirya. Nandito naman na siya kaya dapat tulungan niya akong bitbitin ang mga ito.
Summer accepted what I gave her and followed me. “‘Di na tayo nakakapag-usap masyado.” She muttered behind me. Halata sa boses niya na nalulungkot siya. “I miss you…”
I understand her sadness. I am sad, too. I just don’t show it. I want to but I know I shouldn’t because it will just magnify what Summer is feeling.
It’s been a few months since we’ve last spoke to each other na hindi lang mabilis and mababaw. I know na I’ve been absent. Hindi na ako masyado nakaka usap sa kanya dahil na rin sobrang busy ko.
I didn’t mean to neglect her. It’s just that life is messing me right now. At kahit ayaw ko ang mga nangyayari, I still have to face it. I need to stand on my own para makaalis na ako sa pamamahay namin. So that I won’t need my family’s support.
“Babawi ko,” I answered without looking back at her. “I promise you that.”
“I know, ate.” Summer responded. Her voice is a little energetic now. “You always do.”
I smiled. “Sa’yo lang.”
“Syempre, favorite mo kasi ako.” Aniya bago tumawa.
I chuckled. Well, she’s not wrong. She really is my favorite person.
—
Mama and papa are fighting again. Wala naman na nagbago. Sanay na ako. Sanay na kami.
Yves and I would just go somewhere to get some fresh air. Away from that stupid house and our stupid parents na wala nang pake sa mga anak nila.
All they do is fight. All they know is how to fight! They can’t even properly take care of us anymore! Pera na lang palagi nasa utak nila. I don’t really care if they won’t take care of me anymore, but not my baby sister.
Kahit sana si Yves na lang ang isipin nila. Kahit hindi na ako. Pero ayaw talaga nila tumigil.
“Ate, do you think na babalik pa ba tayo sa dati?” My sister suddenly asked while we walked hand in hand in a park near our house.
“I don’t think we will, sis.” I answered honestly. “Matagal nang sira ang pamilyang ‘to.”
It was a hard thing to swallow. The fact that our family, despite being together, is already broken on the inside. Two daughters who are suffering under their constant fighting, and parents who only care for money rather than giving love and care to their struggling children.
“Sanay naman na ako, ate.” She whispered, her hold on me tightening. “Pero kahit gan’on, ang hirap pa rin pala.”
I get my sister. I understand her pain; that’s why I couldn’t show her how much I was hurting, too. I couldn’t show her that I was already breaking down deep inside because she needs me.
It was always a constant war inside me. Something that began when things slowly crumbled inside our household. It was a war with myself and the thought of staying for my sister. It was a constant push and pull with myself.
I don’t know how many times that thought occurred to me. How many times has it slid inside my mind during times when I was breaking down, and even times when I thought I was okay, but I wasn’t.
It’s just a mask I wear to stop others from seeing how much I was breaking. To save my sister from this misery.
In my silence was a storm brewing inside my mind that no one could see. I hid it well. I hid it from everyone just so no one would worry. No one will see my pain. No one will see how broken I am.
Yet, there will always be times when I slip up. That I couldn’t help but let go.
And in those times, it was always Summer who was there for me.
“Ate, hinga lang. Nandito ako, ate.”
Her voice comforted me in those times when my hands would shake uncontrollably. My breath is ragged, habang ang loob ko ay parang pinipiga hangga’t sa ‘di na ako makahinga.
“I… can’t breathe,” I said as I held on to her.
Hindi ko na maintindihan ang utak ko, hindi ko pa maintindihan ang katawan ko.
It was a sudden feeling. Hindi ako makahinga. Hindi ako makagalaw. I didn’t know what to do. It was like all my strength just suddenly vanished. My palms were sweating, my heart was having palpitations, making me unable to breathe properly. My head is clouded with thoughts that I tried pushing so hard not to appear.
But with just one word from my father, I suddenly failed at holding it all in.
You’re a disappointment, Alora.
His words kept on ringing inside my head as I made my way to Summer. To her embrace. To her warmth that I always loved having around me.
Kahit hindi ko sabihin, she was always my comfort person.
Her warmth just radiates everywhere. She’s the one who gives me light in my darkest. She’s the voice in my silence. My summer sun.
Ang hirap maging anak. Ang hirap maging ate. But because of Summer, I’ll endure it. I’ll endure it just to see her smile, and not this face she’d make whenever I cling to her like this. Like a helpless little kid who doesn’t know what to do.
I don’t want to see her crying over me. Over my pathetic self.
“I’m okay…” I whispered as I clung to her. “I’m okay.”
It was more of an assurance for her than for me because I know that I’m not okay.
And I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay.
—
Just like the season, I also love another Summer.
A name she carried while she flashed her charming smile that could always light up my world. With her careful touch, as if afraid I’d hurt her, it comforted me to feel her warmth.
Kagaya ng pangalan niya, she’s refreshing like the summer season. A season I always find comforting and… freeing.
Something I’ve never felt again with my family after several changes in our household.
Her eyes would wander around my face, but not my eyes. She’s shy, but I know she’s just afraid to see the truth when I look at her, that I am in love with her. That I see her more than I should.
Pero hindi ko talaga mapigilan. Even with my relationship with Aubrey, I already knew that we didn’t love each other. While together, we were both pining for two different people who seemed out of reach, for now, that is.
This year, Summer and our friends came to our beach house again. I don’t even know how many years it’s been since I first met her in this same place. The same place that birthed my love for her.
This time, though, it will be different. Instead of having a regular summer vacation, we will be having a farewell party for my beloved sun.
We were both alone in front of the beach house while our friends played on the shore. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi sumama si Summer sa kanila. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere without her, so I stayed with her.
The air just felt warm and cold at the same time. We were sitting comfortably–our knees touching gently.
Rinig na rinig ang boses ng mga kaibigan namin na nag-aasaran sa dagat. They were enjoying playing together, kaya napangiti na rin ako.
I feel calm today compared to the days before we went here. Life is stressful as it is, but now, I get to breathe even just for a short time.
“Are you comfortable?” I suddenly asked Summer who was somehow fidgety beside me today. “Or nilalamig ka? I can get you something inside to warm you up.” I offered as I look at her.
Umiling siya. “No, ate. I’m good.”
“Alright.”
While she returned her gaze towards our friends. Mine lingered towards her hand resting just beside mine. Our pinkies were almost touching, as if reaching out to each other.
I want to touch her. To feel her warmth. My insides are aching for Summer right at this moment but I calmed myself. Even if my heart was beating so much, I still tried to act like nothing was going on with me.
I sighed and steadied myself before letting myself go for a moment. Maybe, just this time. I will let myself feel her warmth even for just a moment. Just this time.
Slowly, I reached for her hand. It was slow and steady. Just like how I try to be. I put mine on top of hers without saying any word. Naramdaman ko ang paninigas niya dahil sa ginawa ko pero hindi niya naman inalis ang kamay niya.
“You should join them,” I said while I observe her reaction silently.
Her face was getting red. I could also feel her pulse quickening while I hold her hand. She didn’t say anything for a very long time so I took that as a permission from her.
I slowly intertwined our hands. Locking mine with hers. Letting her warmth linger. Letting it settle comfortably just like the silence between us.
I smiled quietly habang pinapakiramdaman pa rin si Summer na naninigas pa rin sa tabi ko. And after a while, she finally spoke.
“Ate Alora…”
“Hmm?” I hummed.
She paused for a moment, as if trying to figure out if tama ba ang sasabihin niya sa’kin.
“‘Y-yung kamay ko po…” She said after a few seconds of silence.
Mas lalong lumawak ang ngiti ko bago siya tiningan ulit. “Are you uncomfortable?” I asked again. My voice calm and steady. So opposite of what I’m feeling deep inside.
I saw her almost start slightly swinging her leg maybe because of nervousness but stopped herself halfway.
“Hindi… hindi naman, Ate. Nabigla lang ako,” she chuckled nervously. “Hindi ka naman kasi ganito na clingy na humahawak sa kamay.”
She was right. I’m not clingy. I’ve never liked clinging to someone kahit close pa ako sa kanila. But I know, deep inside, I’m always yearning to touch Summer. To hold her hand and embrace her. Pero I also know na hindi pa pwede. That I have to wait before I can do all what I want to do with her without hesitating.
I hummed before tightening my hold to her. “Summer,”
“Y-yes, Ate?”
Her voice sounded so little. So fragile. It made me want to show her myself. My true self.
I stared at her as she looks at me directly. I could feel my emotions swirling while I stare at her eyes that looked so innocent. Her eyes didn’t reflect mine. And I’m glad it didn’t. Mine is too tainted already by the cruelty of this world. I’d want her to keep that eyes for a very long time so, I stayed silent. I didn’t say anything. Never said anything.
It’s better this way. That flicker of weakness is enough for now. It was enough that she’s seen the storm inside of me.
I let the silence linger between us while I try my best to hold on to her hand. She never averted her eyes from me. Even if she’s slightly shaking, her gaze never faltered. It matched mine, just not the same intensity.
I could feel her trying to come up with something. She was trying to say something but she couldn’t. The silence was too comfortable to be broken by our words.
Pero alam kong kailangan din naming tapusin ang katahimikan na ito. Just this time, I’ll make the most out of it. Just this time.
“Do you like me?”
Her mouth immediately parted after hearing my question. Clearly taken aback from it. Halata sa mukha niya na pinoproseso niya pa ang tanong ko at hindi niya pa alam kung ano ang sasabihin.
I let her process it. I let her take it all in.
After a minute, she finally spoke. “W-what… Bakit ganyan ang tanong mo, Ate?”
I was slightly disappointed with her response but still smiled. It was already expected. Even I know na hindi pa handa si Summer para sa nararamdaman ko.
I wasn’t ready to show her the chaos inside me when I, myself, is still struggling to live.
My grip on her tightened even more. “Let’s see eqch other sa graduation mo ha?” I exhaled. “Don’t let this opportunity get away, Summer. I know na hindi ka mag-papabaya sa sarili mo habang naroon ka.” I looked away. “I’ll miss you…”
“Ate…”
I calmed myself again. This is not the time to feel like shit, Alora. Not yet.
I sighed and looked at her again. This time, I smiled at her genuinely kahit na nahihirapan na ako sa loob ko.
“We’ll see each other at your graduation, Summer. I promise you that. I also hope that by the time we see each other again, you’ll finally be able to answer my question.” I said gently while removing the strand of her hair that was covering her eye.
Her eyes slowly went misty. “I’ll… I’ll graduate, Ate. I promise you that.”
My smile stayed before pulling her in for a hug. I buried my face on the crook of her neck. I let myself dive into her warmth. Kahit ngayon lang. Kahit ilang minuto lang.
“I know you will, Summer. I know you will.”
—
It’s been silent.
Not the pleasant silence, but the ones that bother me so much that I almost want to scream somewhere just to make a sound.
It’s been 2 years since Summer went to Manila to pursue her studies. 2 years of only nights where I’d crave her presence, her warmth, and her smile that always helped me sleep peacefully at night.
Work has been tiring. Lots of deadlines are piling up, and colleagues who’d look at me scornfully when I wasn’t looking at them. I could feel it all. Could sense it.
Yet, I did not let them bother me. I just did my work as I was told.
But sometimes, the stares and the whispers would go over my head and would just make me stop functioning. Sometimes, hindi ko na lang namamalayan na hindi ako makatulog gabi-gabi habang tulala lang sa kadiliman.
It was so… empty. I feel so empty.
Whenever I look at my hands, all I can see is Summer’s hand intertwined with mine. I could still feel her warmth. The way her fingers perfectly fit with mine. The way she’d squeeze my hand tightly as if afraid to let me go.
In those years of missing her, hindi ko na napansin na nawawala na pala ‘yung init sa palad ko. Hindi ko na namalayan na unti-unti ko na nakakalimutan ang ngiti niya. Hindi ko na namalayan na para na akong robot na paulit-ulit na lang ang ginagawa.
Kahit pagbisita sa pamilya ko parang hindi ko na magawa dahil wala akong maramdaman. I don’t even miss anything. It feels so hollow in my chest.
Yves would contact me from time to time just to check in on me, but my answer was always the same: I’m fine. That there’s no need to worry about me.
There would always be silence after I said those words. I know that Yves could feel it. My insides slowly crumbling as I yearn to be held by the warmth that I missed so much. Pero hindi ko masabi. Hindi ko kayang magsabi kahit kanino. I don’t want to be a burden when these people that I care so much about already have their own baggage.
It was not right for me to say anything.
It was not right to make them my outlet.
So, I did my best to find something that could fill up the hollowness in my chest.
The casual invites from colleagues and bosses turned into an addiction. Drinks became my solace. It became like a fuel that helps me survive every day.
I didn’t like how it tasted at first. The way it would burn my throat was unpleasant. Its taste is so bitter that it made me question why people love drinking so much.
But then, the euphoric feeling it brought me after made me understand. For once, I can forget about my problems. For once, I did not dream about Summer’s warmth and how much I missed her.
Alam ko sa loob ko na hindi tama ang ginagawa ko. Na panadalian lamang na bisyo ito. Pero sa huli, hindi ko na nakontrol ang sarili ko.
It felt so freeing to forget about everything kahit panandalian lang.
Kahit alam ko na mali. Hindi ko na namalayan na nawawala na ako sa sarili ko.
—
Summer’s third year came, and still I refused to contact her. I would often find myself wasted on my couch after work.
I can still perform well despite drowning myself with alcohol every night.
I still consistently show up at work and reply to everyone who leaves me their messages after months of being contactless.
I acted as if everything was fine. That they have nothing to worry about. That I was handling everything just fine. That nothing has changed at all.
The distance is a reminder of how much I missed her.
It’s always like this whenever I don’t drink. I just think of her endlessly, and then the pain of loneliness would consume me again. The hollow in my chest would just grow day by day dahil wala akong magawa para pawiin iyon kundi ang maghintay.
“One more year, Alora…” I whispered to myself one night as I strolled around at night to ease my mind of Summer.
I just came out of a business dinner. I decided not to go home for a while and just walk around until my feet hurt.
Hindi ko na nga namalayan na nasa mall na ako inabot. Umupo muna ako sa isang bench para magpahinga.
I sighed before looking at my phone na may notification galing sa kanya kanina pa. She messaged me earlier during dinner, asking me if I was alright. Hindi ko naman magawang mag-reply dahil ayokong mas lumalim ‘yung pangungulila ko sa kanya.
Just seeing her in my notification… parang gusto ko na lang maiyak sa pangungulila.
Another notification came—a confirmation of the completion of something that I commissioned from someone when I went on a work trip. It was a gift for Summer kapag nagkita na kami sa graduation niya.
Kunting tiis na lang.
I massaged my temple before standing up again. I need to go back to my car na medyo malayo na dito dahil sa nilakad ko. It’s getting late na rin.
Tomorrow, I’ll wait for the gift to arrive before planning a short vacation sa beach house. It’s been so long na rin since I went there to rest. Ayoko ring pumunta kasi naaalala ko si Summer. Pero, I think it’s time to visit.
And tonight, maybe… I won’t drink.
—
Do you know how painful it is to know that the person you loved, who is an expert swimmer, died by drowning?
It was like ripping my heart directly out of my chest.
It was so painful that it almost took me out, too. It almost made me drown in pain.
Ate Alora was a good swimmer.
Kahit noon pa, siya na ang nagtuturo sa’kin na lumangoy. Alam ko na hindi siya basta-bastang swimmer lang. She trained for it and became one of her hobbies. Kaya alam kong… napagod na talaga siya kahit ayaw kong tanggapin.
Tiningnan ko ang regalo niya sa’kin noong graduation ko three years ago. It was still neatly tucked above my bedside table. I never opened it. Never saw its content. And after years of trying to heal and move on kahit mahirap. Pero alam kong kailangan.
Holding on to her memories is hard enough for me, even after all these years.
I could still remember how Ate Yves told me na Ate Alora called the night she died. Her voice was lifeless kahit na tumawag lang ito para mangamusta. Wala na siyang sinabi pa na kahit ano except asking them how they were. How I was.
And when she heard Ate Yves’ response that they were okay, that I’m okay, Ate Alora went silent afterwards. Wala siyang sinabi sa kabilang linya pagkatapos marinig ‘yun.
She just ended the call after tapos hindi na nagparamdam. Ate Yves got worried so she tried contacting her over and over again pero there was no response from her sister.
The next day, someone suddenly contacted her.
It was a lifeguard who saw Ate Alora’s lifeless body on the shore.
They tried saving her pero huli na sila. Maraming tubig na ang nakapasok kay Ate Alora. She was already dead for hours before they even saw her body.
It was devastating. I was a wreck after they told me how she died. She knew how to swim. She taught me how to swim. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung paano ‘yun nangyari. Paano siya nalunod?
Pero naintindihan ko rin kahit na ayaw ko. She kept everything in her chest. Wala siyang sinabihan kahit kanino. And when she drove to their beach house and got wasted, that’s when her mind just shut everything off and made her do something that she could never undo.
I sat on my bed. Hindi ko inalis ang mata sa regalo niya. Today was her death’s 3rd year anniversary. The day she left us all without a word.
I reached for it and placed it on my lap. I let a few seconds pass before I opened the gift bag. There was a medium sized box inside and a purple envelope. It was neatly tucked inside. Halatang iningatan talaga ang paglagay nang regalo sa loob.
Bumuntong-hininga ako pagkatapos kong i-proseso kung ano ang laman nito. I don’t want to open it but I know that I should. It’s been long overdue na. I have to face this.
Una kong kinuha ang box. It wasn’t heavy but I don’t know what to expect pa rin sa laman nito. I slowly untied the ribbon and removed the cover. Unti-unti namang namutawi ang luha sa mga mata ko noong makita ko ang laman nito.
It was a bracelet. With a sun that looked so much like the sun that we admired years ago. Right in front of their beach house, before I finally said my goodbyes to her.
Kinuha ko ito sa loob at hinawakan. It feels like me. Halatang pina-customized niya ito sa kung anong magugustuhan ko. I kept it in my hand before reaching for the letter. My heart is beating so fast hindi dahil sa kaba. Kundi sa takot sa kung ano ang mababasa ko dito.
Pakiramdam ko’y masasaktsn ako kapag binasa ko na ang laman nito. Ate Alora leaving me a letter for my birthday is something I was not expecting.
Kaya even when I was hesitant to open it, I still did. Because it’s from her. She wrote this to convey something.
Gently, I removed the seal. The paper didn’t feel cheap. It felt like something Ate Alora would use for special occasions. It also had the scent of her perfume. The one I always complimented her.
I took a deep breath before opening the letter.
My eyes immediately started to water when I saw the first written words there.
To my beloved Summer,
Hi. I missed you. I know I don’t talk that much anymore, but know that I’m always around. Life’s been busy but I never stopped thinking about you, Summer. You’re the only one who’s consistent inside my mind anyway. It’s not like I could just forget your bubbly smile that charmed me since the day we first met.
Anyway, Happy Graduation Day, my love. I knew that you could do it. Ikaw pa. You’re smart and creative. You have your way with people. Alam kong makakaya mo kahit na ano pa ang ibigay sa’yo kasi it’s you. You’re Summer Catacutan. My summer sun. The only one who gave me the kind of joy that I’ll never trade for anything. Your warmth saved me, Summer. You gave me life back then. You made me want to live this life even when it’s so hard.
I’ll just make this letter short since I don’t want to take so much of your time since it’s your day. Assuming that you’re reading this letter now, then that means that you’ve seen my gift. I had that crafted for you when I went on a business trip to Spain. You remembered that time when you spoke to me how much you adored that sun? The one before you left? I remembered every detail of how you described it. I had it crafted into this as my graduation gift for you. Well, sana wala ako sa harapan mo kapag binabasa mo ‘to kasi parang nakakahiya pala.
This gift is a symbol of my love for you, Summer. I have loved you since I don’t know. Hindi ko na alam. Basta, nagising na lang ako isang araw na mahal na pala kita. I thought it was just an admiration at first. A small crush maybe? Pero hindi pala. My feelings were more than that. Even when I tried to forget about my feelings by having a relationship with Aubrey, it was still not enough. Alam ko naman eh, na hindi talaga mawawala ang pakiramdam ko sa’yo kahit na anong mangyari. You have had me in your palm since the day I cleaned up your wound. Hindi na ako nakawala after that. And I never tried to break free.
Waiting for the right time to say what I feel for you was hard. It took every self-control I have just to stop myself from reaching for your warmth, Summer. Pero I know that it was still not the right time to say anything. So I waited. Waited until I reached this day where I could finally say my piece to you.
So please, find me after you read this letter. I want to say my love to you with all my heart and not only through this letter.
See you in a few minutes, my love.
Yours only,
Alora
Hindi ko na namalayan na pumapatak na pala ang luha ko sa papel habang binabasa ko ito. I clutched the letter to my chest as I tried to stifle my cries. Ramdam ko ang pagsakit ng dibdib ko. Ramdam ko ang pangungulila nito sa kanya.
I missed her even more after reading her letter.
The fact that she wanted to tell me how much she loved me made my heart ache even more. She wanted to be there. She wanted to be present. She was planning to say her love for me pero…
I covered my mouth when a faint sound came out from it. I closed my eyes to try and stop my tears from falling continuously pero ayaw niya. Mas lalo lang akong naiyak dahil naalala ko siya. ‘Yung ngiti niya.
I just keep wishing that I could be the summer she needed that time. The summer that would hold her when she was breaking apart. The summer that could give her warmth in times of darkness, where coldness is unfathomable. How I wish I wasn’t too late to see the signs of her loosening her hold on me.
Pero bumitaw na siya eh. Binitawan niya na ako kasi sobrang pagod niya na siguro.
Hindi ko ma-imagine ang imahe ni Ate Alora na mag-isa sa lugar na iyon. All alone in their beach house, where I first met her. Where our lives started to entangle.
Alone and… cold.
She was alone in that place. Trapped in a merciless winter. She wasn’t able to get out of her own prison, even when she was begging. Even when she thought she was screaming, the waters drowned her voice, making us unable to hear her silent pleas.
And now, as I look at the gift she left me while trying to stop my tears, I promise that I’ll always be her summer sun kahit na wala na siya. Even if I wasn’t able to be her summer when she needed something to spark a light in her darkness.
I closed my eyes and imagined her face. Saulado ko pa ang korte ng mukha niya. Kung paano lumalabas ang dimples niya kapag nginingitian niya ako at ang pagkawala ng mga mata niya sa tuwing tumatawa siya. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan.
“Mahal na mahal kita, Ate Alora.” I whispered painfully while clutching the bracelet she gifted me years ago. “Ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko.”