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The humid, moist sand clinging to Rome's fingers was the only sensation that kept his body anchored to the present. The harsh, cold breeze lingered at his lips as he drew in a breath. It crackled halfway as if even inhaling, a mechanical body function, was a tiresome chore. Waves thrashed violently, but the only echo that could reach his ears was that voice he never knew would fade from his memory so soon.
"Eww, Rome will it kill you if you don't butcher the lyrics for once?" Thee dramatically yelled with his clumsy words. He was too drunk to stand straight as he threw his arm around Rome's shoulders.
"P'Kian, it's called adding depth to the song," Rome replied with his ever so annoying smug smirk, which earned him a flick to his forehead from Thee. He pouted until his older brother gave in to singing the wrong lyrics of the old lakrons' osts.
It had always been easy for Rome to convince Thee to surrender to his wishes. All he had to do was whine and pout a little to melt his brother's defenses. Thee despite his over exaggerated antics had a heart so pure and delicate that it worried Rome. Because just a mere thought of the world dimming Thee's smile twisted something ugly in his chest, maybe it was because Rome remembered more about himself through Thee.
A ridiculous and endearing part about being siblings was that your life was intertwined with theirs, like stars and galaxies are. And the building blocks of Rome's galaxy had always been his brother — a major part of who he was, is, and will become-a slope of intersecting lines, destined to meet and pierce through each other either with love or hate.
Their dynamics kept their childhood home — which was tedious and lifeless with walls engraved in golden strokes that lacked the warmth of something real — alive, and less suffocating. The siblings' bickering over misplaced socks and the quarrels over the right corner seat on the dining table lingered in the air even decades later. So did Rome's giggles from when Thee used wrong Thai adjectives, and Thee's laugh from every time he chased his baby brother around the house as they played the ridiculous version of Thee's personalized hide and seek. It was a duvet gently and carefully threaded with their laughter and hugs that protected them for a short period of time before they were inevitably separated to fulfill and prepare for their future duties.
Time and its viscous nature dulled the wound but never the edges of the blood that had become a rusted carving against one's skin.
And Rome had become aware of the ache that time offered in the most shattering ways. He was used to bodies going limp, the light departing from the shrinking pupils, and the realization of just how fragile a heartbeat truly was. He's seen the skin disintegrate, leaving bones and hushed whispers of who it belonged to, when all that remained were solely memories.
'Memories.' A cruel and mocking tune to the ears, that spent years trying to rip out a distant vibration of weak pulses.
''Not everything has to go according to your way, Rome. I never asked you to do anything for me.''
The muffled voices inside the Arseni's mansion narrowed at the crack in Thee's voice as he shouted at Rome. The balcony where both brothers were standing made Rome feel claustrophobic with static air buzzing continuously within him.
'' I never asked you to do anything for me ''
Of course.
How dare Rome forget that he isn't actually trusted to protect anyone? He is the stain that has accidentally ruined every pristine surface of this house — the house built by his father, who was more of a dictator. Rome only received affection and love in borrowed moments when his parents were merciful enough to pretend he wasn't a complete failure.
He was loved.
He is sure that he was loved.
They were kind enough to tolerate his stubborn demands and his never-ending mischievous tales that earned him the title of "spoiled brat".
He had always been a lot. He felt beyond what was considered normal. He never hid his emotions, which poured out of all the tiny cracks that made him, much like a sun obscured by clouds. He was a nuisance no one bothered to care enough about, and just like that, the loudest shrill of his void was conveniently buried under the bed of his childhood room, which he shared with Thee.
Thee was the navigator that found Rome, more specifically the little Rome who took solace under the bed made out of fancy wood from the scary monsters that carried firearms and had bloodied nails.
He always found his baby brother despite every confusing route he wasn't old enough to decipher yet.
Rome remembered sniffling in his brother's arms and the soft pats on his back after every nightmare. He remembered the soothing blow of air against his scraped knee when he was 7. Rome's belongings always had a trace of Thee's touch, and similarly, his world began with his brother's annoying voice and ended in the comfort of his heartbeat against Rome's little ears, thudding with the only unconditional love he experienced.
And now that same voice, which was a compass to his directionless youth, was ruthlessly tangling his ribcage with the venom accentuated with every single word.
How could one even respond to such a question? Is he supposed to nod his head and keep quiet or retaliate back by stating how harsh those words fell against the weak armor that Thee himself pieced together just for Rome?
But as always, he accepted.
Accepted that he is, in fact, a defect, a train wreck waiting to collapse.
A sudden, violent breeze knocked out the air from Rome's lungs, and he came to the realization that he had spent an hour or two in his head. He pulled out his phone from his pocket; 5 messages and 2 missed calls from Mok. He chuckles at the notifications, but his eyes caught on the time.
11:30 pm
Half an hour till he turns 30.
Just 30 minutes until his 20s blur into something distant.
And in less than 30 minutes, he would enter another decade of his life, but the constant shadow that held his silhouette firm wouldn't be able to wish him for the first time.
"You've gone insane. I won't let you do this. I can't keep letting you destroy your life for nothing," Thee yelled with his reddened eyes, unclear to Rome whether from anger or guilt.
It might be both or some other emotion Rome never bothered to learn the shape of.
'' How can it be for nothing? Are you hearing yourself, phi?'' Rome's voice cracked under the sheer intensity due to the desperation his bones felt.
Only silence greeted his question as Thee turned his face away, refusing to even meet his baby brother's eyes. He was weak, unlike Rome. He couldn't watch his only sibling putting his life at risk. It would ruin him beyond accepting Rome's mercy in exchange for his life again.
"I can help you, Kian. Everything will be fine. It will be alright. I promise." Rome kneeled beside the hospital bed. The sterile scent and white room became the edge on which his will to live tethered with tremors.
His P'Kian was in hospital robes with pale lips and a thinner face. The eyes that once encompassed the brightness of the sun itself became hollow remains of exhaustion. The brutal, blinding lights and rough sheets enhanced the emptiness formed within Thee and between their relationship.
The nightmare still lingered upon his eyelids; the day his life changed for the worse, and the unpredictable reality he never even dared to imagine, but tried to wake up from every single day.
Thee's unconscious, bleeding body on the stretcher to the ambulance. The sky blue shirt now crimson clung to Thee's frame due to the blood he lost, and the same bright red fluid coated Rome's fingers and his clothes. They somehow still shared something even in that moment, tragedy and misery followed the fate of siblings close enough to paint their horizons of existence with the same strokes that darkened the dusk.
They would never escape their life without watching the destruction of the other.
It happened in less than a nanosecond.
They were sitting at the dining table and enjoying the mango sticky rice Peach had made for them. Thee complimented the taste after every bite with exaggerated words and expressions. Him being his usual self while Rome snickered fondly in fake disbelief and asked Thee to stop watching lakrons because he believed that his brother would become a walking book soon full of old dramatic dialogues that were only appropriate during divorce worthy conflicts or in a lame circus.
The bickering and lighthearted insults only elevated the calmness in the atmosphere. They finally found an opportunity to spend time together for the first time in a while because Rome was stuck with the endless paperwork and deals, and Thee got busy in the way people often did after starting a family of their own. It was understandable, or at least that was a lie Rome recited every time he missed his brother.
"When is khun Mok coming back?" Peach suddenly asked, but before he could reply Thee already answered.
"My ex-bodyguard and best friend shall be back in a week, love," said Thee with his disgustingly sweet voice reserved for Peach, and Rome couldn't help but roll his eyes at that and the titles he attached to Mok.
Ever since he fired Mok, he announced that Mok is still his best friend and hence shouldn't abandon him completely. Rome found it ridiculous, but he was happy to see the men he loved the most shortening the bridge caused by duties that separated them as friends. His world was slowly gaining back the colors that others had attempted at draining empty.
He felt content and a bit hopeful again. Maybe the deities above him finally decided to grant him the peace he spent years fighting for. The ground beneath him was steady enough for him to smile and laugh with his brother carelessly.
His phone vibrated with notifications, and Thee, who was currently explaining to him the statistics of the export and import of his company's perfumes from the country, paused and smirked with a raised eyebrow as if he already knew who it was. Of course, he knew. Rome was so devoted and lovesick that he had a separate ringtone for Mok.
Rome ignored Thee and Peach's curious eyes and annoying glint of subtle teasing, waiting for a chance to make fun of Rome
Mok has messaged him asking how everything was. The same dry tone with no additional stickers or pet names. Mok's texts had always been short and straightforward, but the thought that Mok texted him first made his chest swell with warmth.
As he was about to reply with a shameless flirty line or joke, the glass windows of the mansion rattled and shattered into tiny shards, and a deafening scream shocked his system.
It was all black and static.
He couldn't process before his hand shot to the back of his right hip to retrieve his handgun, but the movement was frozen as a weight slammed against his chest. He was too frightened to breathe or fix his unfocused gaze until another agonizing cry brought him back to his senses.
The familiar warmth and the hair he could never mistake for someone else came into his field of vision, and his heart forgot how to pump the blood again. The scent of the cologne he spent hours choosing and the brown tie he bought together with Mok, now ruined by the blood splattered across it.
Peach hovered nearby as his hands shakily tried dialing the emergency number for an ambulance. His entire mind was a mess; he couldn't breathe and had to inhale sharply every few seconds as tears rolled down his cheeks, but his entire being was in a panic state to even notice.
The security team reached to take back Thee's slack body from Rome's arms, and a strangled cry crept its way out of his chest at the sudden movement. He jerked in terror and tightened his hold, refusing to let go of his older brother's body.
"Khun Rome, we have eliminated any further potential threats. It was a single assassination attempt with no visible backups found," stated the head of the security team, and Rome didn't register a single word except the one that made his body lock up. 'assassination'
"Assassination attempt against who?" He demanded in a voice laced with fury.
There was a dead silence instead of a name, so Rome asked for the second and final time in a low, maintained voice devoid of any hint of emotion. The same voice he used before deciding how to kill someone. The voice that sent chills down the spines of everyone present around him.
"Didn't you fucking hear me? I asked who the target of the attack was."
"The target was the current heir and leader of Arseni."
"Rome Kritdanai Lee," a bodyguard replied with hesitation.
Oh
Oh, Rome did it again.
He has failed again.
He was the one who was supposed to be shot. He was the one supposed to be bleeding out. He should've been the slack of half lifeless body and not his P'Kian.
Thee risked his life for him.
He shielded Rome from the gunshot.
Rome was distracted for a few seconds, and it was too late to alarm him, so Thee became his armor. Rome should've been the fucking dead weight. He always has been a burden, so it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.
"You didn't cry when I was shot, Rome, but you're crying now?" Thee asked with a wet chuckle, unable to stop his tears as he watched his brother, who was kneeling on the cold, marble hospital floor with his head burrowed in Thee's lap, sobbing his heart out like a stubborn child who just lost a toy.
One month since the gunshot treatment led to the discovery of rapidly spreading Leukemia in Thee's body, and Thee often joked that he was meant to get shot because how else would they've found it, even though Rome disagreed and was fairly annoyed because everyone in the family gets regularly checked, but sometimes life and its unpredictability never fail to push them off the cliff.
Thee combed and untangled Rome's hair gently with his hands despite the slight tremors.
"I remember laughing when Peach said about how shocked and fragile you looked as you held my body in your arms. I expected you to cry or scream, but you maintained your composure like the fierce leader you are. I… was disappointed that my baby brother —"
His chest felt like it was dissolving from within. He tried speaking, tried to say things to comfort Rome, but the air felt too bitter to breathe as he forced himself to inhale so he could at least finish what he was saying, but instead, he choked into uncontrollable sobs.
Thee tried to gasp for air to steady himself because he couldn't be weak. Not right now, when his brother, who rarely cried, was wailing with his head on his lap and arms hugged around his lower back like a kid. How could he break and burden Rome when he needed support and an anchor? So he tried being the good brother that he never was…
All he was,was a useless, sensitive noose that dragged Rome into the pit of darkness. Only if he were stronger and wasn't a goddamn fool, then maybe his brother could've lived a life away from the guns that used to scare him as a kid. His incompetence forced his small brother into picking up weapons and a life of danger. If anyone was a disappointment, then it was Thee. He was expected to be the change. He should've tried harder to fight against the rules, but he helplessly watched Rome get swallowed by the depths of hell, while he turned a blind eye to the scorching fire that slowly burned Rome away.
"M-my baby brother didn't cry when I almost died, but now I know it was because you were forced to be a cold, calculating leader, right? When did you even grow up?"' Thee laughed between his rambling and tear-blurred vision.
"Rome, I am sorry. P'Kian is sorry,'' Thee repeated as he rested his head against Rome's hair.
Rome looked up with bloodshot, teary eyes and shook his head in disagreement.
"No, please, Kian, don't say that. I should be the one apologizing. I have let you down a lot of times, but please, I beg you, let me set things right this time," Rome pleaded in a fragile voice with his hands clasped.
"I have already taken so much from you. I can't do it anymore. This is awfully unfair to you," Thee said between his sobs, and Rome's chest heaved with the pressure of not being enough.
"I have given you nothing except burden and headaches, Kian. You've given me your everything from the very beginning. My very existence was possible because of you. Our parents didn't want you to be lonely, so they decided to have me. My life purpose has always been centered around becoming someone reliable for you. You made sure I never fell behind and offered me your hand every time I stumbled. I was born to accompany you like a shadow for life. I am supposed to be there for you for the rest of our lives, even from a distance."
Rome swallowed the lump forming in his throat that felt like a messy knot, hard to untangle, yet easier to bind further.
"Don't you understand P'Kian? Siblings are meant to be each other's misshapen halves. If you die, I will be left entirely alone with no one to annoy and who will scare the big monsters away for me during those nightmares? Who will tolerate my idiocy yet fulfill every little wish of mine? I can't replace you, I can't give up on you because it would mean I'd be giving up on myself then."
"You can abandon me, but what about Peach and the kids?" Rome demanded, even if saying out the first few sentences destroyed him.
Thee smiled, and his gaze softened at his baby brother. He always wondered about how much Rome had changed over the years, but his stubborn eyes remained the same. He reached out and patted Rome's head. "I won't be abandoning them because I will leave them entrusted to y—"
Before thee could finish speaking, Rome interrupted him, "Stop! You aren't entrusting me with anything, but you should definitely trust me when I tell you that you'll be alright."
"Look at me P'Kian. I am strong enough to help you. I signed the consent form."
Thee's body trembled violently, and he continued weeping with his head down, ashamed to meet his brother's eyes. " You shouldn't have done that. I can't accept it, Rome. It's a painful procedure that you don't have to endure."
"The pain is nothing in comparison to what you're going through right now," Rome said as he pulled Thee into a hug, and for a second, he wished he were strong enough to rewrite Thee's fate as his.
"I would give up my life for you in a heartbeat. This is the least I could do for everything you've done for me. I want you to live a longer life than I and share our childhood stories with your grandkids. I want to disturb you until we end up bickering even in our 80s. We will fight with our canes, and the one who loses will have to do everything the winner orders them." Rome talked on and on about the possible future where the two brothers continued to exist in each other's orbits. He talked about a tomorrow where Rome's efforts to be stronger would pay off. Where the tiring training days and the time when he asked Thee to drown him would make sense. A house where his loved ones would only know the vibrations of laughter and happiness.
"Before grandkids, I will tell your child about how stupid their dad's were for each other and how I was stuck in a decade long slow-burn that wasn't even mine," Thee joked while rolling his eyes, and earned a laugh from Rome.
"Thank you for firing Mok that day," Rome said while he rubbed his neck awkwardly. Because he did trouble his brother a lot over Mok, but it wasn't his fault that Mok just existed, and he gravitated towards him like the moon to the earth.
Thee waved him off. "It had to be done, you looked so miserable, and we both are hopeless romantics."
Rome nodded at that because it was indeed a factual statement.
They were silent for a few minutes. The fog of previous emotions cleared up, and Thee being Thee, looked at Rome with confident eyes and straightened his posture with his hand against his heart, declaring, "Theerakit Kian Lee will return this huge favor by arranging yours and Mok's wedding as soon as I recover."
Rome perked up at that like a happy puppy and pointed a finger at Thee in a mock warning. "You better not go back on your words, P'Kian"
"I always keep my promises."
Promises turned into futile reminders when the shrouding began. The syllables uttered to uphold a promise fell apart against the rigidness of sealed lips, and incomplete vows became a red and dead galaxy, a space with a powerful pull only to repulse within itself. A haunting constant which is non-derivable by any possible calculation.
The intense light hurt Rome's eyes as he woke up slowly from the worn-off anesthesia. He recollected the hug and Thee patting his shoulder before they changed into the robes for the surgery. He tried moving, but an excruciating ache froze his senses, and he hissed. The person sitting beside him, half asleep, jerked and stood up immediately.
Mok's eyes appeared before his, and Rome relaxed instantly. Mok helped him sit up and tucked a strand of hair behind Rome's ear. Rome leaned into the touch and nuzzled Mok's palm, smiling contentedly. Mok looked at him, but his eyes held a hint of questionable sorrow, and his eyebrows were furrowed in a deep frown.
"Mok, what happened?" Rome asked with a nervous smile as he observed Mok, who was avoiding his eyes, because Rome's heart never felt at ease when his lover tried to shun the world, including him.
Mok attempted to say something, but his lips quivered. When he locked eyes with Rome, his face contorted with helplessness, and his eyes barely held the pain from spilling down like little stars at the verge of exploding into their demise.
Rome's world stalled as he watched the man he loved and observed that his precious jewel was crying.
Mok, who never shed a tear in the last decade as much as Rome remembered over anything, looked shattered, and Rome didn't know whether to speak or try to breathe. Rome slowly reached to hold Mok's wrist and tugged him closer. His fingers twitched in fear of something unfamiliar as he took off Mok's glasses and looked at him with gentle patience despite his body almost convulsing into an ugly, twisted fig with seeds so bitter it scratched his insides.
''Rome,'' Mok whispered.
Something definitely was not right. Mok only called him his name without honorifics under very specific circumstances.
Rome swallowed; his dry throat felt like a needle nearly protruding out of his larynx.
''I am sorry," Mok said. No, he cried out in agony, and little sobs filled the room.
Rome didn't dare ask the reason, as if his soul almost knew the answer yet refused to believe it.
"The doctors told us that something went horribly wrong and—" Mok started, but his voice broke.
Rome sucked in air suddenly and closed his eyes, trying to anchor himself, but the harbor meant to hold his shipment from sinking was flooding, farther and farther away from his reach.
Mok rubbed Rome's back with such a frail touch that it made Rome's spine shudder sharply.
"Why?" A desolate voice echoed loudly around them in the merciless hospital room.
Rome choked, and his body jolted with unknown shivers. "Why? Just why"?
Mok, unable to hold Rome still, broke into tears and gathered his lover's fleeting cries into an embrace.
Rome wailed in anguish and clutched Mok's arms as his blood felt too unfairly hot and his chest too alive. It shouldn't be. How dare he? How could he have the audacity to have a functioning body? A false, pretentious anatomy that had betrayed him and, more disastrously, his other half.
Even his cells that made up his pathetic being betrayed Thee, when all Thee had been to Rome was his source of life.
Maybe the huge void within him consumed the life out of Thee.
All he did in his life had brought only destruction to his loved ones. The large vacuum of darkness residing in his bones had finally engulfed his only brother; his lifeline.
"Despite our best efforts, we couldn't have stopped the unexpected attack caused by the donor's immune cells to the patient's blood cells. This was caused by a rare and unpredictable reaction to the donor's cells. Before we could grasp some control over the situation, it was already too late.
We are sorry for your loss"
A rare case.
The doctors couldn't resuscitate him.
Rome's cells and his useless bone marrow suffocated the life out of his brother before his expected time.
Thee died on a hospital bed, mid-surgery, surrounded by muted solid walls and sterile prods from impersonal hands.
The warmest soul who laid hope in Rome's worthless path had to leave deprived of any real affection.
And it was all Rome's fault.
Time passed, even as Rome was reluctant to walk forward, when the hand that kept him from falling apart didn't exist anymore
7 months went by in a flash, as if the world picked up its pace while Rome struggled to live every day.
Thee passed away during spring.
A contradiction because Thee was everything in between hope and life that the spring often offered. Maybe even his demise left a greater impact than Rome did as he lived.
Rome's phone vibrated once near his knee, and he laughed bitterly as his tears threatened to dampen his cheeks when he saw the notification.
"Happy Birthday to my dearest baby brother"
A scheduled message Thee had added in Rome's phone, so even when Thee forgot or was late, he still would be the first person to wish Rome.
It was 11:59 pm, a minute more until his birthday, but Thee had always been too eager and excited to care about stuff like that. Since his 15th birthday, when he sulked and refused to talk to Thee because he wished him 10 minutes late, he has always received a wish exactly at 11:59, followed by another from Thee as the clock struck midnight.
But this time the other wish wouldn't come, and Thee's automated wish wrapped one year of his life, tucked it into a meaningful misery. Now Rome would enter a new year of his life with only reminiscences of the person he hoped would be by his side for eternity.
The winter's harsh yet comforting cold made Rome almost glad that Thee didn't die as the doctors expected had he agreed to live with cancer. Even if Rome failed to make Thee's heart beat for more years, at least his brother experienced only calming breeze and gentle sun before being buried.
And winter, with its bittersweet scent, marked the conclusion of everything, whether a beautiful ending or a strange start that never asked if the person was ready, but for Rome, it was a beautiful end.
The box full of the things he adored given to him by his brother clattered in wind; a puppy mascot Thee randomly bought on the streets of Paris, the sweater Thee tried to crotchet but gave up halfway, which Rome couldn't even wear so it became something he slept with like a soft warm pillow, and a few pictures of them together, because for some odd reasons siblings didn't take pictures together. And lastly, all the little toys Rome borrowed from Thee as a kid.
The box, a few crumpled letters with names on them, each written with remorse and guilt, and Rome's shoes were all left on the shore as he decided to submerge into the waves that flowed opposite to him, opposite to life, and away from reason; overwhelmed Rome's lungs and his limbs went unresponsive. The last serene memory that flashed in his mind was what would accompany him to the threshold of the afterlife kindly.
Thee, Mok, Peach, and his parents laughing and eating together while Rome stood nearby, taking in the scene and feeling relieved that he didn't disturb the harmony of peace with his untuned, abrupt notes.
The constellation of unwanted stars would be complete, and the void of collapsed galaxies would weigh lighter on Rome's soul as he sought freedom from rusted chains and continuous torment he had to bear just to be alive. The salt kissed water and waves that felt like his older brother's arms took him in safely into the beyond, and Rome wasn't scared anymore.
His brother would always be there for him, and Rome would try to make amends for his failures and incompetence in the hereafter.
The horizon was finally bright and breathtaking as the hour of dawn arrived and hushed away the midnight's grief.
To Mok,
I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for being selfish. I tried to live as you wanted me to for the last 7 months, but I just couldn't. Like everything else, I failed at being a reliable shoulder for you and Peach, but I don't know how to live without guilt consuming me from within. I know every word now sounds like an excuse to you, but I am scared of suffocating you and everyone around me. I noticed those tired eyes and fragile sighs from you every time you tried fixing the wounds engraved in my sternum and how my sorrows pushed you farther from my love. I couldn't drag you down with me into that pitch black hell, and I can't live longer just to watch your eyes turn from tired, tolerable love to disgust and weary. I will give up now if it means you'll be able to lead a stable life, unlike the chaos and destruction that defined my existence. I regret never marrying you when Thee was alive. I regret not fighting hard for us, and I regret making you fall in love with someone like me. A person like me will only bring you more ache. I am tired of extending my lifeless wings towards the sky in hopes of finding a mirage where I could be more than a series of unfortunate miseries threaded together as a person. I wish I could be who you wanted me to be. If only I could be who you want me to be, then maybe I would be someone worthy of your love. I hope again with my desperate soul that your smile and laugh will linger in the core of my soul into the immortality of the dead. I love you so much I am freeing you from the onus of my withering being. I hope I meet you when I am finally strong enough to see the sun come up for me.
Forever yours,
Rome.