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I don't want to face the world in tears,
Please think again, I'm on my knees,
Sing that song to me,
No reason to repent
He was impatient.
Drumming his fingers on his drafting table, he sighed for the nth time that day. He looked lazily to the clock, rolling his eyes when he saw the time. Ten minutes since the last time he checked. He lifted a hand and looked at his forefinger, raising it to chew on a hangnail. He lowered his hand, seeing a chip of white on the nail. He sighed again.
“I'm going to have to repaint that nail. I just did them yesterday.”
The bell interrupted his thoughts, indicating he had a visitor. He rose slowly from the stool, spirits falling when he saw the silver-haired man emerge from behind the silk divider.
“Oh, it's just you,” Uta mumbled, sitting back on the stool and dropping his head on a hand.
“Thanks for the welcome, asshole,” Renji grouched, “You waiting for someone?” He realized the tattooed man had sunglasses on, which meant he was waiting for a human.
“Yeah, floor guys.”
“Oh, that's right,” Renji said, “So today's the day?”
Uta had decided to hire a carpenter to lay new flooring in the shop gallery. Everyone was shocked he wanted to change the shop in such a dramatic way.
It was well known that the eccentric ghoul loved his floors. It reflected his agathokakological tendencies. He brushed everyone off, saying he just wanted a change. Those closest to him knew the real reason.
Kaneki.
The half-ghoul refused to leave the upstairs apartment. It had been a month since he was rescued from the eleventh Ward. He spent his days staring out the windows or rocking back and forth on the bed, deep in thought. Uta often heard the pacing on the floor above him. The bloodcurdling screams were the worst though. Uta would tear up the stairs into the bedroom to comfort Kaneki, his heart breaking seeing Ken like this. He had trapped himself physically and mentally. The isolation was beginning to wear on the young man. Uta knew he had to do something.
He went back to tapping his fingers on the desk surface, absently listening to his friend.
“You're not even paying attention, are you?” Renji asked.
“What? Um, yeah. That's a great idea,” Uta answered, oblivious to Renji's question, looking up when his friend snorted.
“That's what I thought. I'm going to visit with Little Man. Even with him being completely silent he's better company than you. Besides, I brought him a present,” Renji said, holding a bottle of bloodwine.
“Fuck off,” Uta grumbled, tapping his fingers on the desk again. He glanced at Renji, unamused when he flipped him off. He tuned Renji out as he trudged up the stairs while idly nudging a piece of thread on the table. He lifted his head as the door chimed again, revealing two men dressed in sloppy shirts and overalls.
“Welcome! I'm so glad you could make it!”
Uta spent hours explaining to the workers exactly how he wanted the floor, showing the hardwood he had ordered and removing fixtures from the gallery. The lead carpenter informed him it would take all weekend to finish the job since the tattooed ghoul wanted a herringbone pattern. The contractor called a few more workers to help andUta left the men to their task, retreating to the apartment upstairs.
The noise of the television was heard before he opened the door. He was a tad perplexed. Kaneki had wanted nothing to do with any kind of media since Yamori, choosing to live in his own world. Why would he want the intrusion of another? Uta entered the apartment, greeting the two men in the living room. Renji was watching some action show, not remembering the name of it for the life of him. The half-ghoul was in the armchair, huddled into himself, arms wrapped around his legs. He was staring into nothingness. Uta crouched in front of him, set an arm on either side of the chair and called his name softly.
“Kaneki?”
Silence. Blank stare.
“Ken?” he repeated, desperately hoping Kaneiki would come to and recognize him.
Nothing.
“How long has he been like this?” Uta asked, turning to his friend sitting on the couch.
“A little over an hour,” Renji replied, eyes never leaving the screen.
“And it never crossed your mind to come downstairs and get me?” Uta asked, perturbed. It seemed no one seemed to care about Kaneki as much as he did.
“What would you be able to do about it?” he asked, finally ripping his gaze away from the television, “You can't touch him, it'll make it worse. I know it's hard but we have to ride it out. He has to come back on his own.”
Uta sighed and nodded. Renji was right, but it didn't make it any better. Uta just wanted to take this away from the half-ghoul, he wanted to fix him. And it tore his soul to shreds that there wasn't a damn thing he could do to make Kaneki better. Uta glanced up at him once more before leaning against the couch, resigning himself on waiting.
A high-pitched, mechanical whine startled him. It took a minute for him to realize what it was: the men were cutting the hardwood. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart.
“I'm awake now,” Renji mumbled. Uta smirked. Renji's sarcasm always made him smile. Even though they had fought each other tooth and nail when they first met and he was so thankful he could call him a friend now. The man had been a pillar of strength to him this past month. He was a calming presence for both him and Kaneki. He didn't have to explain anything or tell him why Kaneki was having a bad day or why he couldn't do certain things around him. He just knew.
“Yeah, that was a little loud,” Uta replied. He glanced to the main door, catching Renji's shocked stare out of the corner of his eye. Before he could register the frantic rustling behind him, he heard the scream. The sound sent a terrifying chill down his spine. He whirled around on his hands and knees to face the young man. Kaneki was crouched on the cushion of the chair, his eyes darting in every direction. He looked like a caged animal, cornered by a predator. His chest heaved with every breath. The whine of the saw shrieked louder once again, causing Kaneki to wail louder. He dug his nails into his palms so hard blood began to trickle down his forearms. He contorted his body violently as the saw sounded again, hurling his hands into his hair. He tugged harshly at the white strands, pulling small clumps out.
Uta surged to his feet and grabbed Kaneki's wrists. He pulled Kaneki against his chest, ignoring the writhing against his body.
“Go downstairs and tell them to turn that fucking thing off!” Uta yelled over the noise. Renji nodded, jumping off the couch and barreling down the stairs. He continued to hold onto Kaneki, whispering soothing words into his ear. He learned through various triggers that eventually he would begin to listen. Kaneki was realizing he could concentrate on Uta's calming voice, that he was safe. He just had to hold on until Kaneki got to that point. It seemed an eternity before the whirring of the saw ceased and the soft, pained moans from the young ghoul could be heard. Uta eased his hold on Kaneki as he felt the resistance fade.
“Shh, it's ok, Ken. Everything is ok right now. Nothing is going to hurt you. I won't let anything hurt you. Take your time. I'll be here,” Uta murmured into the silky, white hair. He lifted a hand to Kaneki's head, carding his fingers through the soft strands. Uta's eyes dropped as he felt him pry away, taking in the bewildered, tear-stained face. The young man blinked a few times, clearing the mental fog as he tried to adjust to his surroundings.
“Hi there,” Uta whispered, smiling softly at him. Kaneki felt like he had awakened from a long slumber, time passing by without him knowing. His scalp was on fire, sharp pain dotted his palms, his throat was so raw he could barely talk. Why was Uta here? And where was Renji? How much time had passed?
“What happened?” he asked, voice void of any emotion. Smoky grey eyes met black and red, challenging for the truth.
“When I came upstairs, Ren was watching some stupid show. You were sitting in the chair. I watched it with him for about an hour—” he started.
“But you were working in the shop today. You said you had a couple deadlines,” Kaneki interrupted.
“I did. But I had some guys coming in to work on the gallery today. So long weekend. Nice, right?” Uta said, bending his knees slightly and looking into Kaneki's eyes and giving him a halfhearted smile.
“One of their power tools was a little too loud. It was too much for you to handle and you panicked. Can't say I blame you though, it made us jump,” he continued, “I'm sorry if I made it worse. I didn't want you to hurt yourself anymore.”
Uta lifted Kaneki's hand to press a kiss against his fingers before turning it over, touching his lips to the healing puncture wounds. Kaneki could see loose strands of white drifting over the skin of his hands. His eyes filled with tears. He knew he had lost it again. He blocked out so much, lost so much time. He just wanted it to stop.
“I don't want to do this anymore,” he choked, his voice overcome with sadness, “I don't want to live like this. I'm trapped. I'm scared.”
Uta pulled Kaneki to his chest and embraced him, holding him as he sobbed. He whispered soothing words to him, brushing Kaneki's hair away from his face. He held him until Kaneki calmed, easing his hold on him and searching his eyes. The soft grey orbs reflected desperation, resignation, immense sadness. His lips brushed against Kaneki's forehead before floating down to his eyes. He felt them flutter shut as he feathered kisses over each lid. He pulled back, watching Kaneki focus on him again.
“I can't imagine what you go through every minute of every day, and I won't pretend I do. Just know I'm here for you. I will drop the world to be there for you. All you have to do is ask,” Uta said gently.
“I've never been a strong person, but this numbness...” he started, taking a deep breath to compose himself, “It's the worst. I'm afraid that...”
“Afraid of what, Ken?”
“That I won't be able to handle anything outside these four walls anymore. I don't want to face the world in tears,” he whispered.
“Oh, Ken,” Uta murmured, “It's ok if you do. You've been through a lot. We'll just take each moment at a time. I promise to be there with you every step of the way.”
Kaneki searched Uta's face through his tears, looking for any sign of doubt. His heart skipped a beat when Uta smiled softly at him, erasing any reluctance he had. He threw his arms around Uta's neck and held on tight. He wanted to hold on to this man until the world came crashing down around them. He was his pillar, his beacon, his strength. He knew he wouldn't be here if not for Uta.
They broke apart when the door creaked and Renji entered the apartment. He ruffled Kaneki's white hair before falling back onto the couch.
“I sent them to lunch. So we have an hour to decide to keep this from happening again,” Renji said.
Kaneki looked between the two as they thought. He flinched when Uta jerked upright, knocking into him.
“I've got it! Earplugs!”
The rest of the weekend went without major incident. The earplugs had helped Kaneki immensely. He was hesitant to use them as one of his survival methods would be dulled, but Uta had promised nothing would hurt him. And the man was true to his word. He hadn't left Kaneki's side all weekend. It helped tone down his hypervigilance a bit.
The workers had left a few hours before, Renji following soon after. Uta and Kaneki were on the couch, cuddling. Uta was massaging Kaneki's scalp, and he fought to keep his eyes open. It was so relaxing, but nightmares took over the minute he drifted off.
“Stop, you're going to put me to sleep,” Ken muttered sleepily.
“I'm sorry,” he said, nudging Kaneki to sit up, “Come with me.”
Uta held his hand out. Kaneki took the hand offered and rose. He steeled himself when Uta led him to the entrance of the apartment.
“No,” he said forcefully, feeling a thumb rub against his wrist.
“I wouldn't ask you to do something I know would harm you.”
“What part of no do you not understand?” he bristled.
“I have a surprise for you. If you feel uncomfortable, you can go back upstairs. I'll understand. Will you give it a shot?”
He sighed as he thought. Uta had done nothing but help him, protect him, love him. He knew he wouldn't hurt him intentionally. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and nodded. Uta led him down the stairs and into the gallery. The room was dark, raising his anxiety.
“Uta, I'm not sure about this.”
“It's ok. Can you stay there while I turn the light on? Close your eyes. I'll let you know when you can open them,”
“I don't...I'm scared,” he said, voice wavering.
“I promise I won't do anything to hurt you.”
Kaneki nodded and closed his eyes. His heart was pounding, he felt a cool sheen of sweat break out on his skin, his breathing shallow and erratic. The brightness of a light flickering on penetrated his eyelids. He heard light footsteps approach him.
“I'm right in front of you. I'm going to take your hand and then you can open your eyes.”
He nodded and felt warm fingers lace through his. He opened his eyes slowly and focused on the room. His breath caught as his gaze swept the room.
The floor.
He walked to the center of the gallery, spinning around slowly to take in the changes. The checkerboard tile was gone, replaced with beautiful distressed acacia wood. The design it was laid in was intricately elegant. Tears filled his eyes. Uta had changed his beloved floor to make him feel better.
“Why? You loved the tile,” he asked.
“It's just a floor,” Uta said offhandedly, rubbing the back of his neck.
“But, why?” he repeated.
“You don't need any more difficulties in your life. It was the least I could do.”
Uta felt the breath knocked out of him when Kaneki crashed into him, wrapping his arms around the other's waist. A delicate smile appeared on his lips and he pulled Kaneki closer. He kissed his cheek then lifted the other's hand, dropping light kisses on each knuckle.
“Ken, you are so much more important than a bunch of tiles. I'd do anything to make you feel more secure,” Uta admitted, holding out his hand, “Now, you've been trapped in that apartment too long. I thought maybe we could go to the river. The sun is about to set.”
Kaneki regarded Uta, feeling the love he had for him bubble within. It was the best he had felt since Yamori, and he didn't know how long it would last or how long he would stay sane this time, but he wanted to cherish it. He took the man's hand and wiped the tears away with the other, seeing Uta grinning at him.
“Come on, we have some new memories to make.”