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That’s the Way the Cookie Falls Apart Into Pieces

Summary:

Post canon, immediately after the last scene.

K receives help from an unlikely person.

A really unlikely person.

Notes:

  • inspired by this twt that I got on my fyp.
  • fair warning for comedy fans : despite the premise this fic takes itself (and K's plight) utterly seriously. I did try to put some levity into this but well. the tone is more br2049 than snl. Please feel free to imagine the scenes as being filmed by roger deakins.
  • based a bit more on this version of the sketch than the official upload, but it's a mix of the two.

Work Text:

 


 

K - no, Joe - no, K - wakes up.

 


 

The last thing he remembers is lying down on the stairs under the snowfall, expecting to die. Which, unexpectedly, seems to not have happened.

So what did happen? Did Deckard come back and save him?

For a moment, the thought elates K.

Then reality comes crashing down.

No. It's too dangerous. In addition to everything else, he has a tracker inside his body that the LAPD can track down at all times. It was for the best that he sent Deckard away, that he died alone. Sometimes to love someone, you have to be a stranger…

 

"You're awake."

K doesn't startle easily, but this time he does. It's a quiet surprise - he simply freezes. The other person probably hasn't noticed.

He turns around to see a shadowed figure of a long-haired man sitting alone in a chair against the wall.

The man smiles at him, his eyes meeting K's eyes.

Not a replicant.

 

K considers this.

He can't really think of anything that might explain the situation, so he waits for the other person to say something. People usually like to fill the silence.

Sure enough, the man speaks again.

 

"I definitely knew you wouldn't die," says the man.

 

What…?

 

The man, still meeting K's eyes, blows air at his bang that is entirely covering one side of his face. A few strands of hair fly upwards, only to fall right back into place. Still smiling, the man tries a few more times to no avail.

K stares at the scene.

Not for the first time in recent history, he feels truly out of his depth.

He keeps silent. The man keeps smiling at him. As his eyes adjust to the dark, K realizes that the man is wearing a nurse's uniform. He also sees that the uniform is covered in dark splashes. Blood?

The man keeps looking at him with an eerie smile.

Was this some sort of mind game? Did he get caught by Wallace? Was this their way of trying to get information out of him?

No. That didn't make sense. It wasn't as if he was a human being. They could simply kill him and extract the information from his memories.

 

K slowly sits up. He feels around his stomach. It seems to have been sewn shut. Everything seems largely in order, except-

He feels something in his stomach, something solid that doesn't feel like a bone.

K tenses. What is this? Another tracker? A bomb?

…Weirdly, it almost feels like a-

"And I definitely didn't drop the AirPod 23 inside your stomach," says the man. "It was there when I got there."

"AirPod 23," repeats K.

"Yes," says the man. "The left one. Now I have to listen to patient interviews with only my right ear."

"I thought you said it isn't yours."

"It isn't."

 

Alright then.

K raises an eyebrow at the man, who smiles, playfully wiggling his eyebrows.

 

Well.

Against all odds, it seems as though he has been rescued by a true stranger.

If he were to venture a guess, probably a replicant fetishist. It wouldn't be the first time he attracted the attention of these types of people.

 

"Now that you're awake," says the man (nurse?). He crosses his legs in what can only be described as a suggestive way. Light catches on the front of his uniform - yes, that's definitely blood on them.

"Are you… feeling hungry?"

Here we go, thinks K warily as the man leans forward.

"Would you like some…"

The man gives him a meaningful look.

"…cookie crumbles?"

What the hell are cookie crumbles, K doesn't ask. It's not like he knows every single euphemism used in this city.

"Why not," he says. As always, he doesn't have a lot of options.

 


 

As it turns out, the house isn't all lit like a cave. K follows the man into a cozy, warmly lit space - one that looks like a slightly fancy but mostly ordinary kitchen.

 

It really hits him, then, that he's alive. He was told that dying for the right cause would be the most human thing he could do. So now what?

Well, he's got nothing to lose at this point. Might as well just ask what he wants to know.

 

"Where is this," asks K. "Who are you?" What do you want from me?

"You can call me Jeffery," says the man with the same strange half smile on his face. He goes on to explain that he's a nurse - or, at least, used to be one - and that he's in a relationship with a doctor. Together, they operated on many patients, until the hospital decided that one of them had to go because of too many "incidents". So now Jeffery was a stay-at-home nurse.

"Incidents?"

"Nothing," says Jeffery. "I didn't kill them."

Oh?

"And I've definitely kept people alive before," says Jeffery. He bites his lip, as if trying to hold back giggles. "This isn't my first time keeping a real person alive at all."

 

In that moment K realizes two things.

First : Jeffery seems to have no idea that the man he'd saved with his questionable surgical skills is a replicant. In other words, Jeffery seems to believe that K is a real person.

Second : Deducing from context clues, it seems likely that Jeffery has killed myriads of actual human beings through medical malpractice. Further, it seems likely that the only reason K is now alive is because K is not, in fact, a real person.

 

Well, Jeffery wouldn't be the first person to mistakenly believe K to be a real boy. He himself had even gone so far as to believe that what he and Joi had was unique and true in any way.

 

As Jeffery seats him in a chair and rummages through the kitchen cupboard, K wonders if a real person would be able to handle those emotions better.

 


 

K is prepared to be faced with anything but actual cookies.

Sugar and all. K even smells butter from those cookies.

Well. Cookie pieces.

The cookie crumbles are apparently a business venture Jeffery is preparing - most people in the city obviously can't afford to buy whole cookies, so he'll sell "crumbles".

K is still surprised that this man is sharing real cookies with him.

"Oh, it's not real butter. Or real sugar," says Jeffery. "But it tastes exactly the same as the real one. Nobody can tell the difference. Unless you're looking for it. Which you shouldn't. Because then it wouldn't taste like the real thing." He offers K another spoonful of crumbles.

K ponders this as he munches on the crumbles.

"Jeffery," he says sincerely. "Thank you."

"How do you know my name?" asks Jeffery as he offers him another spoonful.

"You told me," says K evenly. He's no stranger to dealing with unpredictable, dangerous people.

"Oh-did I?" says Jeffery. "Jeffery Thankyou?"

…Alright, sure. Whatever.

 

The cookie crumbles are good and all but eventually K feels the need to put a stop to it.

"Jeffery, please-"

"Oh!" says Jeffery, sounding startled. Then he bites his lip, nearly bursting into giggles again. "Oh, the doctor and I are not like that yet."

Alright, what did I say this time, thinks K. He thinks back to their conversation and makes a guess. "And his name would be Doctor Please."

"Of course," says Jeffery. "But, as I was saying, we're not like that yet. Besides, even if we were to be like that, I could keep my name. It is the year 2049, you know."

"I've heard," says the former Blade Runner.

Jeffery smiles and tries to give him yet another spoonful of cookie crumbles.

K rethinks his strategy. "I should be going," he says, standing up from the chair.

"So soon," says Jeffery. "Wouldn't you like to wait for the doctor?"

He should definitely make himself scarce before this doctor shows up. There is no way a functioning member of society wouldn't recognize him as a replicant.

"I've got business to tend to," says K. "Jeffery - thank you. Thank you," he adds again when he realizes what he's said.

 

"Wait," says Jeffery. He stands up from his seat and approaches K, gazing into his eyes with a meaningful, imploring look. "Don't you think you're… forgetting something?"

K tenses. He'd thought this wouldn't be an issue anymore.

He could probably overpower Jeffery easily.

K doesn't do it. He stands still as Jeffery reaches one hand onto his face as if to caress it, or grab it tenderly and -

Something is plugged into his ear.

 

"Now you have the full set," says Jeffery with a smile. "You can eat it, if you want. Then they'll be together inside you."

 


 

Eventually, K finds another surgeon.

There he finds out that Jeffery had so thoroughly messed up the operation on his stomach that it disabled his tracker. The LAPD can no longer track him.

 


 

Call him sentimental, but he keeps the AirPods.

 

 

 

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