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Peter Benjamin Parker is twenty years old.
And he doesn´t exist.
There are fake documents featuring his name. There is a library pass, a Starbucks gift card from a year ago, and an old Chemistry notebook from his sophomore year. But there is nothing fresh. Nothing new; a gift from a loved one, a birthday card from a friend. Because Peter Parker is no one. He is a ghost, a poison to people´s lives.
James Buchanan Barnes is one hundred and eight years old.
He is a broken mirror, glued back with shredded pieces. He is loved and remembered, but there is an itch in the back of his mind. There are voices of people he- no, the Winter Soldier killed, glued into his nervous system. And they´re not going away any time soon.
There is, however, a slightly different itch. He doesn´t recognise the voice, but Barnes knows: it doesn´t belong to them. It´s different, more alive than he ever felt them be. One night, the voice, so young and careless, speaks to him.
No way, dude! You have a metal arm? That´s awesome, man!
That is the moment when Bucky remembers.
Peter. Peter Parker.
And memories come back with the force of a hurricane.
'''
There are really not many things Peter can do with a fake identity.
He´s got a job in a supermarket on the other side of the city, because, apparently, there is not a single soul who wishes to hire an eighteen-year-old with no legal documents. It´s fair, if you ask Peter about it, but he´s still got to eat and pay rent. The owner, Brad, doesn´t pay much. His check is minimal, but it covers rent, and there is a small amount left for food. It´s not enough to feed his enhanced metabolism. On rare occasions, while patrolling, people give him doughnuts or slices of pizza; the only things keeping him away from collapsing out of hunger.
By his third shift in the supermarket, Peter already knows that Brad is an asshole.
His paycheck is late, and as a result, his rent payment is too. There are not many tasks to do during the job, but due to his boss, Peter still fucks it all up. There is no point in explaining to him that there is no one willing to work here, aside from him, so Peter takes it all in and suffers in silence from the idiocy he faces every shift. The customers are average, minding their own business. There are a few regulars that he grew accustomed to, feeling happy seeing some familiar faces ever once in a while. With time, aside from the constant irritation with life and his boss, Peter has a completely foreign feeling returning to his senses: hope.
This hope is shattered once he sees a too-familiar face come in through the door.
James Buchanan Barnes.
'''
Bucky remembers the moment when memories had crushed back into his broken mind, colliding into a clear picture. He remembers panic creeping up instantly, chills running up his spine. And there was only one thing he could do, the only thing he must have done: find Peter Parker. Only he couldn´t. He needed to clear the scene first.
Barnes remembers Peter Parker. He remembers his young voice, too young to be fighting a war, ringing in his ears while they fought. Spider-Man, so bold and fast and inexperienced, is fighting a bunch of soldiers. Bucky remembers Steve´s words about Stark bringing a teenager into a fight, how angry he sounded. That day, Bucky swallowed his words about Wanda fighting alongside them, being too exhausted to deepen Steve´s wounds. Then, Bucky remembers Thanos. The fight was so violent and desperate, and oddly hopeful. Peter Parker´s face bears the range of other heroes. His bloodshot eyes were after fighting the Titan and watching people die. Watching Tony Stark die. There were not enough words Bucky could say to him, he now remembers and regrets, before the aftermath of the battle. It is the moment Bucky mourns now, but makes the guilt go away before thinking so hard about remembering something else.
The man remembers Mysterio and the trial, the revelation of Spider-Man´s identity. Barnes was too busy with his own shit, with Sam and the politics, to reach out; to help. He hoped that things would be solved by themselves, or with the help of Pepper and Hogan. As it turns out, something went wrong. Catastrophically wrong.
Because Bucky Barnes doesn´t remember anything about Peter Parker after that.
With a growing headache, he sits up in bed, reaching for his phone in the darkness of the room.
¨Bucky, it is two in the morning. If you are not dying, then I will kill you myself¨, He hears Sam Wilson´s voice from the rusty dynamic.
¨Sam, it´s important,¨ he says with a noticeable urgency in his voice. ¨Do you remember Peter Parker?¨
¨Peter Parker? Not really. What happened?”
¨Peter Parker, the Spider-Kid? We fought him in Germany.¨
¨You´re scaring me, man. No one knows Spider-Man´s identity.¨
¨Sam, something happened to our memories. Someone has tampered with them, and I need to find out why and how.¨
¨I will be in New York by ten.¨
'''
There isn´t much to do in the middle of the night. So Bucky spends the night doing what he always does: thinking and overthinking.
About the possibility of everyone forgetting Spider-Man´s and Peter Parker´s identity all at once. The thing that bothers him mostly is not the fact that he forgot, quite the opposite, actually; it´s the fact that he remembered. Only him. The night quickly became a blur of memories tied tightly together, some clearer than others. Earlier unnoticed details sting sharply in the back of his brain, which seems to itch uncontrollably. Finally, the morning came, but anxiety and fresh guilt weren´t washed out by the blinding lights of the Sun. Urgency hit him every few minutes, and he almost felt like when they were fighting Thanos: out of time. But there was nothing Barnes could do to suppress it, not without talking to Sam. So every minute became an agony and a relief at the same time, because maybe, just maybe, Bucky wasn´t ready for the answers he sought. Whatever happened, it is waiting to be dealt with, and there is no one but him who can do it.
The moment, of course, came with a loud knock on his door and Sam Wilson on his doorstep.
Sam looked somewhat between exhausted and slightly annoyed, though Bucky was sure he was both at the same time.
¨What´s happening, Bucky? I came as fast as I could. I hope it´s something important.¨
¨You already know it´s important, Sam. Sit down. Shoes off.¨
¨Bossy,¨ Sam muttered under his breath, but obeyed. ¨Alright, hit me.¨
¨I need you to find information on Peter Parker. Everything you can get your hands on, I need it.¨
¨Wait a second, man,¨ Sam shook his head. ¨I can´t just give out citizens´ governmental information to everyone just ´cause you asked. I need you to explain what the case is.¨
Bucky sighed, ¨Peter Parker. That´s the case. He´s Spider-Man. I remembered him last night, it felt like remembering all those years when I was... Doesn´t matter. Like a bomb exploding into my head, but with memories.¨
¨I don´t remember knowing Spider-Man´s identity.¨
¨I´m sure you don´t. Listen, Sam, someone messed with our memories. Erased them or something, I don´t know. The thing is, only I remembered, and it´s been a whole year since we forgot.¨
¨You think it´s HYDRA?¨ Sam asked, anxious. Bucky shook his head.
¨No. That´s why I need you to find Peter Parker. Or Spider-Man. Both works.¨
Sam nodded, ¨I´ll do what I can, Bucky.¨
'''
The little amount of free time Bucky´s got, he spends it on finding traces.
Looks like not only memories were affected, but data too. Bucky´s no good in gadgets, but there is nothing on the internet mentioning Spider-Man´s identity; just conspiracy theories. Sam doesn´t achieve anything useful either. So that´s what they do: trying to find whatever small thing that´s left of Parker. And God, isn´t it hard?
Bucky asks the team about Spider-Man. Nobody´s got any sort of close relationship with him, maybe except Bob, who claims that Spider-Man bought him pizza. Frankly, Bucky believes him. Yelena doesn´t say anything helpful, Walker, neither, and so goes on. Asking Alexei is not a good idea, so Bucky doesn´t. In the end, Bucky is tired of asking questions and receiving no answers. So he does the usual: goes to the supermarket and buys beer. Only this time, his unwillingness to walk a few more meters and go to Target pays off. He stumbles to a dirty little place in Hell´s Kitchen with no customers, spends a great deal of time finding good beer and goes to pay.
The young man on the register is no other than Peter Parker, who turns white after he catches Bucky´s gaze.
'''
Peter´s day really couldn´t have gotten any worse.
He hasn´t slept for three days, and it really sucks. What sucks more is the fact that he is on the verge of passing out from hunger, because Brad is holding his pay for a week. Patrol sucks, too, because it´s winter and there is no heating inside the suit, so every night it feels like the chance of getting frostbite is getting bigger. There is a wannabe mafia on the loose, and who would have thought about Mafia would choose New York as their housing? Definitely not Peter. Daredevil is everywhere he goes, and it has reached a point. There´s a gunshot wound, with no stitches, bleeding through his uniform, but Peter doesn´t care anymore. If he dies today, it´s not like Brad will spend Peter´s wages on his funeral.
He found an expired pack of Advil in the products, might as well take the whole thing. They won´t work on him anyway. There are no customers in the store, so Peter stares at the wall for a few minutes, then goes to the water cooler in the staff room. He was surprised to find it there, taking into account that his boss is Regina George, but poorer. Parker hears the entrance´s bell ring, meaning that he needs to get his ass back to the counter. He downs a glass, then tosses it into the trash. With eyes glued to the floor, because his vision is in mosaics anyway, Peter makes his way to the register.
Hoping that whoever came in didn´t steal anything valuable, Peter looks around.
He sees James Buchanan Barnes on the other side of the counter, his eyes full of surprise and... recognition.
That is the moment Peter understands. In slow motion, he sees Barnes´ mouth moving, but before the man can form any sort of syllable, Peter turns around and sprints.
'''
Bucky sees his face, so deathly pale and lifeless.
The man tries to say something, say anything, but he doesn´t get to. Because Parker, like a ghost, flies out of the store without looking back.
Bucky thinks about running after him, but it´d be pointless. He turns the phone and dials Sam´s number.
¨Sam, I saw him. I´ll send you the address.¨
'''
¨So, you´re telling me that you think you saw Peter Parker.¨ Sam said, sipping his beer in Bucky´s living room. Bucky rolled his eyes.
¨I know I saw him, Sam. He turned as pale as a ghost when he saw me. I need to find him.¨
¨Haven´t you thought that he doesn´t want to be found?¨
¨Well, I didn´t want my memories to be tampered with, and he is the only connection to whatever that happened. He´s got no choice.¨
¨Fair point.¨ Wilson agrees. ¨So you want me to stalk this kid?¨
¨Not stalk, watch over,¨ Barnes corrects. ¨You´re saying that there´s no data on him?¨
¨Nothing.¨ The man looks away, puzzled. ¨I just don´t understand how it could be possible. You´re sure no one remembers?¨
¨I´ve asked. There´s no trace.¨
¨Could it be magic?¨ Sam suggests with irony, ¨I mean, a lot of shit´s happened since twenty twelve, I wouldn´t be surprised.¨
Sam´s words seem to scratch something inside the man´s head, triggering a memory. ¨Fuck, Sam. Maybe you´re right.¨
¨About what?¨ Sam asked, confused.
¨Maybe it is magic.¨ Bucky answered, which earned him a laugh from Wilson. ¨I am serious.¨
¨So what? Are we looking for a bunch of wizards?¨
¨No,¨ He said, looking away from Sam and scrolling through contacts. ¨Just one wizard, in particular.¨
'''
Peter runs until he feels blood soaking through his shirt.
He´s in a shithole, in Midtown, most likely. It´s not like he was watching where he ran to. Although it´s almost nine P.M., there are lots of people around, staring him down as if he were something dangerous. Well, who could blame them? Doesn´t look like Spider-Man is going to clear their path any time soon. When Peter finally catches his breath and doesn´t hear any ringing, he looks for a place to sit.
When he falls to the ground in a dirty alley, that´s when reality sinks in.
James Barnes saw him. And he looked like he knew Peter.
What doesn´t seem to sink in is the question: how? Clearly, Dr Strange´s spell is unbreakable. Or maybe it is Peter who´s wrong, maybe it wasn´t recognition in Bucky´s gaze. It could be anything, really. Only Peter knows it´s not like that. Maybe if Peter hadn´t run off like a schoolgirl caught scrubbing her crush´s name in a bathroom, he could actually play it off nicely. And now, if Barnes truly remembered him, he would want answers.
Peter sighs and winces immediately when he feels flesh ripping around the wound. Looks like it doesn´t matter what he does; bad luck will always accompany him.
Now all Parker needs is to find another job. And place.
And don´t die from sepsis.
'''
Bucky debates for a few minutes whether he should knock or just pull at the door when it slides open unexpectedly.
¨Mr. Barnes,¨ he heard Stephen´s voice echo throughout the Sanctum Sanctorium. After a moment, the silhouette appeared, floating down the stairs. ¨To what do I owe the pleasure?¨
¨Strange,¨ the man nodded in greeting. ¨It looks like we have a problem regarding Spider-Man.¨
¨And what might be the problem?¨ Strange asked, unbothered.
¨It looks like you´ve cast a spell erasing his identity from the world.¨
Dr Strange chuckled without any humour. ¨Nonsense. A forgetting spell wouldn´t affect the one who cast it.¨
¨Well, it did.¨ Bucky said, growing impatient. ¨I need you to reverse it.¨
Strange threw him a look. ¨Mr. Barnes, I don´t have time for this. What you´re telling me is impossible.¨
¨Are you dense on purpose, or are you pretending? Cut the bullshit, Stephen.¨ He spat out, ¨Two years ago, you made the world forget about Spider-Man´s identity. Surprise, but your magic malfunctioned. Because I remember.¨
Suddenly, the world shifted. Bucky found himself sitting on a chair in a different part of the Sanctum, Dr Strange in front of him. He stood up, but fell on the chair because of the dizziness. ¨Sit,¨ Strange said. ¨Let´s get through this. Shall I say that your story is not imaginary? What is it that you want me to do?¨
Bucky clicked his tongue. ¨I want you to reverse the spell.¨
Stephen shook his head. ¨I can´t do that.¨
¨You don´t believe me.¨ The man admitted, warily.
¨It´s not that I do not believe you. If your story is true, then I regret to inform you that the spell is irreversible.¨
¨You are a sorcerer. Do you want to tell me that you don´t hold the power to reverse a simple spell?¨
¨Oh no, Mr Barnes. Do not worry about my competence,¨ the Sorcerer threw with irony. ¨The spell we are discussing is not normal. It doesn´t just affect people´s minds, like their memories; it affects every aspect of our world. The spell you say I´ve cast erased everything about Spider-Man´s identity. Every document featuring his name was destroyed by magic, as well as photographs, personal belongings, and so on. Even if I could reverse it, our universe would explode in an instant. I can´t recreate the energy that was destroyed.¨
¨Then why do I remember?¨ He asked the wizard, hopeful.
¨It can be fate, Bucky,¨ Stephen said. ¨Or something horrible is going to happen. I can´t help you any more than that.¨
Unsatisfied with their conversation, Bucky nodded and stood up. Before he could storm off out of the building, a warm hand caught his arm. ¨I hope you find what you´re looking for.¨
I´m sorry I couldn´t help you, in other words.
To say that Bucky is frustrated is to minimise the situation. He feels angry because of Strange´s words, but the outcome of their conversation is expected. Nevertheless, Stephen was his only string attached to Peter. Now it´s the cold dread making him restless, a feeling of something going catastrophically wrong. Even though the sorcerer told him that the reasons for Bucky remembering could be anything, it doesn´t deny that the spell slipped. And Barnes can only hope that Peter won´t face the consequences.
'''
The wound on Peter´s chest doesn´t get better for two weeks. When it finally shows any progress, Peter tries not to gag. Because it´s viciously infected and purulent. Just the thing he needed.
The pain is impossible to bear, but he doesn´t own any type of antibiotics to help ease the infection. But he´s had worse. The spider-healing has dealt with worse things, no?
No. It is totally the worst case, because his healing doesn´t do a great job. In the third week, after trying to find a job and spending ten hours a day practically begging people to take him in, Peter gets a fever. And it´s not a normal fever that kids get after catching a cold. Peter feels his brain burning from the inside, frying itself. But being sick isn´t for the weak. If Parker doesn´t want to die of hunger, he needs to do something.
There is almost nothing left in his savings, which is surprising, considering he´s lasted for three weeks. Sooner or later, the landlord will make him leave. The fridge, as expected, was empty too, if you don´t count mould growing on plastic walls.
With a choice between dying and getting his ass up from the couch, Peter gets out of his shithole-home.
The streets of NYC meet him with a cold winter breath, yelling crowds and indifferent people. The noise is hard to process even for a normal person, but it´s borderline impossible for an enhanced individual like him. Wincing from the pain pulsing inside his skull, Peter turns away from the crowd and tries to find another route.
Before he can take a step back into the alleys of Hell´s Kitchen, Peter hears a voice right from the nightmares he´s been having ever since he lost May. And then a green grenade is thrown right at his legs. And the world explodes.
Peter falls into unconsciousness with the thought that he´s dead. The thought is quickly rejected with a throbbing pain all over his abdomen.
What Peter sees is complete chaos: injured people wailing for help, children crying and shouting for their parents, and fire spreading quickly after the explosion. In the distance, he sees a figure laughing hysterically, throwing grenades in every direction. Peter tries to stand up, ignoring a strangely manageable, but not faded, pain in his chest. But as his knees buckle, he realises that something is wrong. When the boy looks down, he sees a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his wound. That´s when, with the realisation, adrenaline fades and pain returns. When Peter focuses on the creature, the Green Goblin, in the distance, pain is blurred with hot rage. When he lifts his arm to shoot out a web, he hears a loud thump behind him. Peter looks to his left and sees a man, looking so similar to Bucky, take another step towards him, probably hoping to intervene. He is not fast enough, though. The difference of five seconds is enough for the Goblin to throw another grenade.
Peter falls to the ground before it launches. The last thing he hears are screams of terror and the laughter of a person who took everything away from him.
And he came back to take Peter Parker´s life, too.
'''
There is a mission in Eastern Europe going on for two weeks. Nothing too risky or hard for the Thunderbolts, but dangerous; a task from the government to detain a Ukrainian spy in Bucharest. They spend a week looking for traces, then another week trying not to give themselves away. As always, when it comes to Eastern Europe, Yelena helps a lot. Turns out she can speak Ukrainian almost fluently, which should not be so surprising, but still. Belova helps with translation and communication, and soon the task is complete. The team comes back exhausted and satisfied at the same moment, yearning for a night of dreamless sleep.
Dreams are not dreamless for any of them, unfortunately.
But what did you expect? It´s not like Valentina decided to put six perfectly healthy individuals on a team and make sure they get a monthly visit by a psychiatrist. It still amazes Bucky how he is the only one who´s gone through therapy, but it is not a good type of amazement. Because the realisation of Valentina not only wanting to kill them herself, but plotting for them to kill each other off is insane. Good thing she´s the one who is scared for her life now.
Barnes didn´t really spend much time thinking about Parker on a mission. Perhaps it was because he is a responsible teammate, who doesn´t let personal problems control him while being in a high-risk situation, but in reality, he just didn´t have time for it. Of course, paranoia doesn´t let go easily, so keeping thoughts away from his consciousness is simply not enough to not feel weird all the time.
So. They get back. Spend a week in the tower, busy with reports and documents. Once every piece of paper is put into a folder, everyone exhales loudly.
On Friday the team decides to go out for dinner, as they usually do after missions. A really good habit, really. Bucky likes the bar they always go to, a local uncrowded place with great food, which is really nice when there are three super soldiers on the team who, normally, cannot get very drunk. When all of them, including Bob, get to the bar, it´s half empty. They fall into the usual routine: talking about anything other than the mission or arguing over stupid topics.
They had just ordered the second round of drinks when the whole place began to shake. Taking into account that it´s NYC it could be many things: a heavy car nearby, an earthquake... But New York isn´t really known for natural disasters, Barnes thinks. In the next instant, all the windows in the bar shatter, and whoever is in the room drops to the floor automatically. Bucky´s ears ring slightly after the explosion, maybe, and he tries to stand up, thrown off balance, but aware of his surroundings. The man hears bombs go away in a distance of a hundred meters from where they are, but every second the sound starts getting closer. Barnes looks around, and the team is already helping whoever was the closest to the shards of broken glass. he decides to go for the door, which is, well, not exactly a door anymore. Bucky takes a step forward when a firm grip from behind stops him.
¨What´s the plan?¨ Asks Walker, reaching for the gun hidden under his jacket. Bucky was against taking weapons with them on civilian duties, but now he´s more than grateful for John being an ignorant idiot.
¨Stay here,¨ he orders, immediately receiving a suspicious look from Walker. ¨Help the civilians. I´ll go check the situation and page you if anything happens.¨
The Agent doesn´t look satisfied with the plan, but he doesn´t add anything against it. Bucky takes it as a sign to leave, before Yelena, Ava, or even worse, Alexei, can spot him. Barnes inhales sharply before he steps his feet onto the street.
Chaos meets him right away. Dust is everywhere, visibility is not more than ten metres. People´s screams are blurred into one painful symphony, and Bucky can already notice blood and unconscious bodies everywhere his sight reaches. The air is ionised with invisible pressure and dirt, so he tries to resist the urge to cough.
Barnes spends twenty minutes helping civilians with their wounds or finding their loved ones. Finally, he hears sirens in the distance and starts escorting people to the emergency services. Sadly, sirens is not the only sound he hears. Bombs are going off every few minutes or so, and then: laughter. High-pitched and straight away hysterical, so Bucky realizes it doesn´t belong to any of the victims. Dust starts to settle down and then Bucky distinguishes a slight green light blinking in the near distance. The man tries to get as close to the light as he can, while trying not to feel like Gatsby in that relatively old movie. As the space between him and the light grows tighter and tighter, Bucky understands that the reason of the explosions is nothing other than a creature-or a person- who sets them off. A silhouette, standing near the end of the street, is laughing repeatedly and throwing what the man can now identify as grenades in every direction. When the dusty fog finally falls, Bucky looks at the being that has caused chaos, and recognition fills him at once:
The Green Goblin.
Bucky remembers him from the news, his laugh too uncanny to recognise.
He takes another step towards the Goblin, reaching for the pager. That´s when the laugh stops, and the creature stills completely. Bucky stops in his tracks.
Because the Green Goblin isn´t just still. It looks like he´s noticed something. Or someone. Barnes tries to trace his movement, still not quite visible, when the creature turns around. Bucky waits. And waits, and waits, expecting an attack; an approach. Anything.
But the thing the Green Goblin is looking at isn´t him. Bucky turns his head to the left, and his heart stops beating.
He jumps forward, trying to catch the grenade that flows in the opposite direction. It´s too late. The device explodes, shockwaves throwing the man up in the air. With the final trace of consciousness leaving his mind, Bucky knows who the explosive was launched at. And it wasn´t him.
The last thing Bucky remembers is the face of Peter Parker glistening under green light. And then, nothing.
'''
Peter drifts in an unknown darkness for what feels like centuries.
He doesn´t see anything around him, as if the darkness itself is a vision. What he sees, or, rather, hears, are the voices surrounding him there, in the real world. Parker doesn´t bother to listen; he knows he doesn´t want to hear what they say. Finally, the darkness flickers around him, and a narrow light appears, like in the void.
¨Hey, kid,¨ someone says behind him, making Peter flinch. He follows the direction of the voice, though he already knows who it belongs to. When the light in the void flickers another time, the owner of the voice materialises in front of him.
¨Mister Stark,¨ he breathes out. The man chuckles softly, taking a step forward. One step becomes two, ten, and then his mentor is breathing right into his face. Breathing. Alive.
Impossible.
Tony lifts his left arm, the one that´s supposed to be fine, and Peter really expects a hug this time.
¨It´s not a hug. But we´re there now, Pete,¨ Mr. Stark smiles at him before pushing Peter away, making the boy lose his balance and fall. He falls into a pool of water, looking up to the man he thought he´d never see again. Parker tries to swim up, to float to the surface, but something is keeping him in the middle. Not quite drowning, but not surfacing either.
¨Discharge!¨ A voice from the real world calls out. Peter closes his eyes one last time, the last image in them being Tony´s old, scarred face.
When he opens them again, he doesn´t see the void. The opposite of it, actually: a blinding light, a little glimpse of machines beeping around him, a chair with someone sitting on it. He rests his hurting eyes for a minute, then opens them again. The person sitting on the chair is a woman, and a recognisable one too. Peter can´t remember her name, somehow. The woman is asleep, meaning she is either really tired or that she´s been sitting here for a long time. And it doesn´t look like she´s going to wake up anytime soon, so Peter tries to do some work.
First, focus on your surroundings. Check. He´s at the hospital, or a medical facility, at least. The thought of recognising the woman brings him a little bit of comfort, though it is not enough to keep him panic about where he is. Supposedly, it must be a hospital.
Then, try to sit up. Uncheck. Peter tries to move every muscle he can, but to no avail. Moving his arms is a little bit easier, thankfully. But when he tries to move his legs, a painful realisation comes. He can´t feel them. Parker tries to wiggle his toes. Nothing.
Oxygen is suddenly turned into carbon dioxide, making him suffocate. He breathes in, trying to catch some fresh air, but none comes in. That´s when the monitors start to scream loudly, and the woman wakes up, muttering a quiet ¨Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,¨ then presses a red button.
¨It´s okay, it´s okay,¨ she repeats, trying to calm him down. Or herself? ¨You´re safe. You´re at the hospital, Peter.¨
His name on her tongue feels right, making panic step aside for a while. ¨Legs,¨ he croaks out with a sore voice. ¨Can´t feel m´legs.¨
Another person rushes into the room, probably a nurse. The woman says something to her, but Peter doesn´t distinguish what exactly. The nurse injects something into his arm, making him feel very funny.
His eyes closed by themselves, Peter complying without resistance.
'''
¨It´s bad, Bucky,¨ Yelena tells him when she enters the waiting room. ¨He´s terrified.¨
And who could be surprised by that?
It´s been almost a week since the Green Goblin´s strike on New York City. Nine people are dead, more than one hundred injured. Turns out something was wrong with Bucky remembering, somehow altering the spell and ripping a band-aid off. The creature came from another universe, Strange told him. After Bucky got discharged with a concussion, Sam filled him in on the news. The Sorcerer is sending the Green Goblin back to his own universe. He said things were looking bad for him there.
Bucky still can´t forget the emotions he had gone through: fear, anger, grief. The memory of Peter´s lifeless body in the emergency room, his heart stopping twice. It is a miracle that he is alive now, the doctors said, not only alive, but without any major traumas developing after the explosion that could have at least blown off his arms or legs. Talking about legs... Medical professionals say he will eventually walk again after a full recovery. Three months for a normal person, probably much less for a super-soldier. Yelena, who is now sitting beside him, is taking care of the NDAs and confidentiality, bless her for that. This week has been a fucking nightmare.
¨-ucky. Bucky,¨ Belova shakes him, ¨do you want to see him?¨
He hesitates. ¨I don´t want to overwhelm him.¨
¨He´s asleep,¨ she closes her eyes for a second, ¨and high on drugs. Go see how he´s doing.¨ The last sentence sounds more like an order, and isn´t Bucky a soldier? He stands up and heads to the room. Yelena calls out, ¨did you call Sam?¨
¨He´ll be here by noon.¨ Bucky shrugs, already stepping through the door. ¨Why?¨
¨Emotional support.¨ The woman says with a strange look, before dissolving into the crowd.
Peter looks more alive than ever, but somehow, he is still as pale as a ghost. Barnes moves the chair closer to the hospital bed, using it as a support to have a better look. He spends a while looking at the boy, thinking about the time they have lost because of the cruelty of life. Sunlight falls on Peter´s face, shining too brightly for a winter Sun. The man takes the picture in, looking at the boy until his eyes begin to weigh heavily. He closes his eyes, just for a minute, just for a second...
¨Man, wake up,¨ a whispering voice wakes him up. Bucky rubs his eyes, looking up. Sam is looking at him from above, his brows knitted together. ¨It´s almost evening.¨
Bucky squints from the now artificial light shining in the room. He looks at the clock.
¨Fuck,¨ he whispers. ¨How long have you been here?¨
Sam shakes his head. ¨Two hours. How has our sleeping beauty slept?¨
Bucky winces in embarrassment. ¨You should´ve woken me up.¨
¨Don´t worry,¨ Sam pats his shoulder lightly. ¨You deserve some rest.¨
Barnes stands up, trying to stretch his sore muscles. After all, falling asleep while sitting isn´t really comfortable. ¨You know what?¨ His friend starts, ¨let´s go for a walk. Just for a minute.¨
Bucky doesn´t truly want to leave the room, but his stomach growls loudly, bringing out a loud chuckle from Sam. The man rolls his eyes, but follows anyway. It doesn´t look like Peter´ll be awake in the short term.
¨How is he?¨ Sam asks, holding him out a can of Coke.
¨Stable, for now. He´ll need a full recovery.¨
The man nods, staying silent for a while. ¨And how are you holding up?¨
¨What?¨ Bucky blurts out, taken aback.
¨You care about him. I see it.¨
¨I... You care about him, too, Sam.¨
¨Yeah. But it´s hard to care for someone when you can´t remember them.¨
Barnes sighs. ¨We´ll take care of that.¨
Abruptly, Bucky´s phone rings, interrupting the conversation. The man steps aside for a second, facing Sam away. Whoever called him must have said something phenomenal for Bucky´s eyebrows to shoot up this high. ¨What? What´s happening, man?¨ Sam shakes him, expecting an answer.
Bucky stuffs the phone into his jeans, already heading somewhere. Sam follows.
¨He´s awake. Peter´s awake¨
'''
When Peter wakes another time, he spots no lady sitting in front of him. And he definitely feels a lot better.
His eyes almost don´t hurt from the light, his mouth isn´t as dry as before, and he starts to feel sensations in the end of his toes. Cool. And his brain is also much clearer and more useful now.
Given the circumstances, Peter already knows he´s at the hospital. What do you do when you wake up at the hospital? You find a doctor, right? A button must be somewhere within his reach... There it is. He thinks for a second, then presses it. After a few seconds, a young, smiling nurse appears.
¨Hello, sweetie,¨ her smile widens even more, reaching her eyes. ¨How are you feeling? Any pain or discomfort?¨
Peter shakes his head in disagreement. He wouldn´t trust his voice now. The nurse writes something down.
¨Would you mind telling me your name, please?¨
Peter inhales. ¨P-Peter Parker.¨ Wow. It wasn´t as bad as he thought it would be.
The nurse gives him an encouraging look. ¨Well done. Peter, I will bring a doctor in here to check on you and debrief on your situation, okay?¨
He nods. The nurse turns away, heading to the exit. ¨Wait,¨ Peter croaks out. ¨T-there was a woman here. When I first woke up. W-where is she?¨
¨Oh!¨ The woman jolts, like she has forgotten something. ¨Yes, there was a visitor. A few, actually. Do you want to see them?¨
Parker doesn´t remember seeing someone aside from the woman he thought he was familiar with, but he agrees anyway. This time, the nurse finally leaves, but doesn´t shut the door. In a span of five or so minutes, he hears rapidly approaching footsteps heading straight to him. Peter´s eyes widen in surprise when, instead of a blond-haired woman, he sees a tall, dark-haired man with broad shoulders enter. This one is, fortunately or not, too familiar for him.
¨Bucky.¨ he whispers as the door behind the man slams.
It´s true that right now his memories are a total mess. He doesn´t remember how he got to the hospital, but he remembers why. Bucky doesn´t fit inside of the category ¨why¨, so he must´ve had something to do with ¨how¨. The man doesn´t really wait for his thought process to finish as he sits down and interrupts whatever Peter wanted to think about.
¨How are you feeling, kid?¨ His innocent question spikes something inside of Peter, a feeling of anger and... guilt.
¨Don´t,¨ Peter says with a note of pleading. ¨Don´t call me that.¨
Barnes seems a little bit stunned by the request. ¨Alright. How are you, Peter?¨
He swallows. ¨I´m good,¨ sounds unsure, so he adds, ¨yeah, really good.¨
The words don´t sound so reassuring after they leave his mouth.
¨Do you remember what happened?¨
¨Kind of.¨ It´s not a lie. Not a complete truth, either. Because Peter remembers what happened very clearly, but doesn´t want to remember. ¨Bucky, why are you here?¨
The look on Barnes´ face is something. ¨What?¨ Peter himself is surprised by his question; he clearly didn´t intend to say that.
¨S-sorry,¨ Peter stutters. ¨I just don´t understand.¨
Bucky sighs, but not of annoyance. ¨Wait a minute, okay?¨ He pulls out his phone and begins typing something violently. After a few clicks, the door slides open. Peter´s breath hitches.
A laugh escapes his mouth without any warning. Because it´s funny, really, how fast his life changes from drastically boring to abnormally dramatic. He continues to laugh, involuntarily, as Barnes stares at him in awe. And so does Sam Wilson, wordlessly standing in the corner. As quickly as it started, the laughing ended. Instead, hot tears prickle his eyes.
¨Am I under arrest or what?¨ Peter asks, breathless. The pair stares at him with visible shock in their eyes.
¨What?¨ Bucky asks, while Sam continues to stare at him silently.
¨You´ve stalked me for months, you know my identity, and now you´re using my vulnerable state to arrest me. Hell, you´ve brought Captain America here, to the hospital!¨
¨Peter, no. That is not what´s happening.¨ Bucky´s voice is tense and filled with worry.
¨Alright,¨ he chews on his bottom lip nervously. ¨Then what is happening?¨
He stares at both men expectantly. No one talks for a minute. Then, Bucky sighs in exasperation and turns to Sam, who is still in the corner of the room. ¨Why the hell are you so far away? Get over here, Sam.¨
Finally, Wilson moves. ¨Sorry, man. I´m just not good with kids.¨
¨I´m not a kid,¨ Parker grits through his teeth. Wilson looks over to his friend, seeking reassurance. None comes.
¨Okay,¨ Bucky starts. ¨Listen. A few months ago, I started to have strange dreams with distant memories. I didn´t remember them, but I knew that they were my memories. One night, it all fell into place, and I remembered you. But I didn´t understand why I had forgotten you in the first place, so I tried to ask people about Spider-Man, and no one knew a thing. So I asked Sam to dig up some information on you.¨
¨And you couldn´t find anything.¨ Peter concluded. Bucky nodded.
¨Yeah. Then, I saw you in that supermarket. And, well, it didn´t go well. So when Sam´s search had reached a dead end, I went to Doctor Strange. He told me there was nothing he could do with the spell and that I should just wait and see what happens.¨
¨Great advice.¨ Sam adds sarcastically. Bucky gives him a look.
¨Yeah, he´s an asshole,¨ Barnes agrees. ¨But there was not much to do, other than what Stange told me. And then the Green Goblin happened.¨ Bucky probably noticed how Peter´s breath stuttered at the mention, so he leaves the subject. ¨All this said, we want you no harm, Peter.¨
The boy glares at him with suspicion. ¨Why are you here, then? What do you want from me?¨
¨Quit that attitude of yours, first.¨ Sam says, like a warning.
¨Or what? Will you tell everybody my identity? Arrest me? You´ve got nothing on me.¨
Bucky´s hand reaches to grab Wilson´s, but the man shakes it off.
¨Happy Hogan. He dated your aunt, right?”
Peter´s whole body shakes with fury. ¨Leave them out of this,¨ he hisses like a wild animal. Sam goes on.
¨He deserves to know the truth, Peter. Your aunt deserves to know the truth. It wasn´t your decision to make on behalf of-¨
¨She´s dead!¨ Peter shouts as loudly as his voice allows him. ¨She´s dead because she found out! Everyone around me dies, everyone who knows about Spider-Man. Don´t you get it? The spell, the multiverse; it was all my fault. T-there wasn´t any other ch-hoice.¨
His vision is blurred, but not because of the agonising anger he felt before. Tears stream down Peter´s cheeks as his body is wracked with merciless sobs.
¨You should have left me there, Bucky,¨ he tries to say, but words are muffled by his sudden outburst. He didn´t let himself grieve any of them all this time, and saying things out loud is too much. Now all he can think about is Sam´s words. He´s right, of course: Peter took away their choice. But if he had to do this again, then he´d do what he had done. Then, as thoughts of the past start to haunt him all over again, a warm hand cups his palm.
The new feeling of warmth is enough to short-circuit Parker´s brain. He focuses his vision, still slightly altered by the tears, and sees Barnes´ and Wilson´s worried faces in front of him. Peter shakes his head, lifting his right arm to wipe the wetness off. The arm, without much effort, complies. A minute passes before Peter can talk almost normally again.
¨Listen, I´m glad you´ve helped me, really. I wouldn´t be alive now if it weren´t for you. But I don´t need any help anymore. You need to leave me alone.¨
¨Can´t do that, pal,¨ Bucky says. ¨After what you´ve just said.¨
Peter squints, thinking about anything stupid he could have said in the previous minutes. Nothing comes to mind. His questioning face grows, perhaps, more intense, as Sam repeats his words.
¨You´ve said that Bucky should´ve left you to die there.¨
¨I didn´t mean that!¨ Parker defends, his voice breaking slightly.
¨Except that you did,¨ Bucky admits for him. Because it´s true. Partially. ¨Peter, you´re not okay. How long have you been alone? Four years?¨
¨Three,¨ he corrects, a little bit too proudly. ¨And I wasn´t technically ´alone’! I had... people.¨
¨Oh?¨ Barnes quirks his eyebrow. ¨And who would these ´people´ be?¨
¨Well, my landlord, my boss, people I save on the streets, regulars from the job... Plenty of people.¨ He notices Sam´s weird look. ¨What?¨
¨Those are people you must talk to, buddy. Not close ones.¨
¨Right. And what? I don´t want any friends, I´ve already said what happens to people I love.¨
¨You need someone,¨ Bucky says with tension. ¨You´re not eating enough. You’re malnourished, for Christ´s sake!¨
¨Wow, so you´re- what? Trying to become my sugar daddy?¨
¨We are offering you support.¨ Sam tells him, making Peter chuckle.
¨No, thanks. I refuse.¨
¨Why?¨ Bucky asks, pleading. ¨It´s not about money, is it?¨
¨You don´t know me!¨ He blurts out. ¨Neither of you. Sam doesn´t even remember me!¨
¨We can know you,¨ the man doesn´t dare to drop the intention. ¨You don´t even want to let us try, Peter.¨
Parker chews his lip, avoiding eye contact with either of them. ¨What´s in it for you anyway, huh?¨ He tries to sound smart and snarky, but underneath the biting tone lies disbelief. Because someone like Barnes and Wilson wouldn´t want to deal with someone like... him. They wouldn´t.
Bucky takes a step closer. ¨I want my words to get through your thick skull,¨ he makes a gesture around his temple. ¨We care about you. That´s the reason, you dumbass!¨
¨Okay. First, rude. You´re very rude, and you´re hurting my feelings.¨
¨Oh, right. Sorry, I´m just not used to repeating the same thing ten times before you can comprehend it. Do you need a moment?¨
¨Do you two need a moment?¨ Sam cuts in.
Peter shoots him a glare. ¨You two can think I´m stupid, but I´m not. I was on my way to becoming Tony´s heir until... well, doesn´t matter. What matters is: there´s always a catch. When it comes to you, that is.¨
¨Excuse me?¨ Sam gasps. ¨Are you saying we´re going to... what, enslave you or sell your kidneys to the black market?¨
¨I didn´t- wait, now that you´ve said it-¨
¨I can´t fucking believe you. Do you even know who we are?¨
¨That´s the thing!¨ Parker cries out. ¨I know who you are. I know you´ll help me even if I don´t ask. But nothing comes for free. Ever. You´re going to expect shit from me, I´m not saying money or work or anything material. I am not the person who can change just to avoid being alone. I´m a prat, okay? And an idiot when it comes to certain things. And we both know that my behaviour will bother you.¨
¨What bothers me is your inability to believe our words, not the fact that you sound irrational.¨
¨Try being rational while not being heard, moron! I answered your question; now use your brain cells and think about answering mine.¨
Nobody speaks for a minute.
¨Why is it so hard for you to believe that you can be cared for unconditionally?¨ Wilson breaks the silence.
¨I already told you,¨ Parker insists. The men quirk their eyebrows. ¨It´s not you, it´s me?¨ He tries.
His attempt at humour is not appreciated. When Peter tries to add another comment, the door slides open for the millionth time this day.
¨Peter,¨ the nurse, who he´s seen already, greets him, ¨Mr Carter would like to fill you in on your... situation.¨
¨Oh.¨ He already forgot about that. How long were they arguing about pointless things? ¨Okay. Yeah.¨
The woman gifts him a sincere smile and vanishes.
¨Will you guys, like, stay here the whole time?¨
***
Eventually, the doctor finally fills him in. His injuries are bad, but not too bad. According to himself, that is. He´s got two broken legs that are already partially healed, a severe concussion, major third-degree burns and some broken ribs. Dr Carter says he´d need to stay for a week, which is, well, not too horrible. Still, the punishment for his idiocy is not staying in the hospital; it´s the fact that he needs to be surrounded by Barnes and Wilson among all the people.
Really, Peter would rather let Daredevil visit him if the red-masked man wasn´t so obnoxious. Good thing he´s got no clue where to find him now, huh?
¨Week,¨ he repeats. ¨A week. That´s... fine.¨ He whispers to himself.
¨That´s your definition of ´fine´?¨ Bucky chants across the room.
¨This is getting ridiculous, man. Don´t you have any other plans, or does your life consist of helping charity cases?¨
To his surprise, Bucky actually checks the time. ¨Fine. But we´ll be back tomorrow, don´t doubt it. And we´ll finish the talk.¨
Peter can´t resist mocking his tone as soon as the door shuts. He doesn´t bother to keep his voice down; Barnes will hear him either way.
***
¨That went rather well, no?¨ Sam asks him as soon as they crash on the couch, both tired.
¨Define ´well´,¨ is the only answer Bucky can manage.
¨Tomorrow will surely be better.¨
And he really wants to cherish the optimistic mood that Sam´s got over there.
Tomorrow is not better.
¨What do you mean ¨he´s not here?¨
The administrator at the hospital looks at him numbly, probably even more tired than he has ever been. ¨Peter Parker has been discharged today.¨
¨How? He couldn´t have gotten up from the hospital bed by himself!¨
¨I´m sorry, Mr Barnes. That´s all I know.¨
¨Wait!¨ Barnes slipped a fifty-dollar bill under the plastic window. The young girl stopped in her tracks. ¨Was there anyone here with him?¨
¨Mr Barnes, I...¨ Her gaze took in the sight of crumpled cash. ¨Just don´t tell anyone I said this. A man came this morning who looked a little bit familiar to me. Said he was there to pick up Peter Parker.¨
¨Who?¨
¨Frank Castle,¨ the administrator whispered.
***
Peter must admit that running away from the hospital wasn´t the most brilliant decision. For instance, his injuries are not fully healed, though it´s not like he really cares about his own health. The other problem is: he is kind of an asshole. Running away from people who offered you help was not the best way to handle the situation. But maybe he is an asshole. And an ungrateful loser who cannot accept help.
That´s what Frank was telling him about around a minute earlier, anyway.
And, to be honest, calling Frank was not the smartest decision either. To his defence, he didn´t even expect the man to show up!
¨I didn´t expect myself to show up either, kid,¨ the man grumbled from the supposed kitchen. Peter wasn´t apparently familiar with the man´s so rapidly changing places, ¨how d´ya get into ´is mess?¨
Peter let out a long sigh. ¨Long story, man. But thanks for helping me out. I´ll be out of your hair in no time.¨
Castle gave him a suspicious look. ¨Ya better tell me, kid. I ain´t trusting ya when it comes to picking you up with two hundred and six broken bones in y´body.¨
¨Alright. Long story short: the Winter Soldier and the new Captain America have been following me for months, and now I´m kinda on the run?¨
¨What.¨
¨I swear it´s better than what it sounds like!¨
¨Uh-huh.¨
¨Look, this story is really messed up. Just... chill out, okay? It´s not like they know where I am now.¨
¨´Course, why should I be stressed? ´S not like the literal government is looking for a person that I´m hiding!¨
¨They´re not technically ´government´.... Okay, I´m shutting up.¨
Frank exhaled sharply. ¨Not another word.¨
¨But-¨
¨No.¨
That´s pretty much how Peter found himself falling asleep nearly on the floor and waking up five hours later from the best sleep he´s had in months. Or years? Perhaps, because he doesn´t feel like his insides are about to burst out through his mouth. Which is a good sign. So he gets up, scrambles his belongings together and heads for the door. He doesn´t make it past it, though. Frank stops him and says that he can stay for more days, until he settles down and finds a new job. The offer is... kind. Too kind to be true, but Parker guesses his life must just be full of surprises now.
So he decides to surprise himself even more by accepting the offer.
That´s how days have been passing since then: he found a new job, one that actually paid well. Moreover, Peter managed to find a new place to stay, one that had a functional shower and more than one window. Nonetheless, he still spent time crying late at night and thinking about his past and the things he can no longer fix. And, alright, he spent a lot of time thinking about how he ran away from the hospital. It was a shitty move, for real. At least now he wasn´t dying of hunger or anything; maybe that was the reason for his overthinking.
Why does it matter? Bucky isn´t here anymore. Neither is Sam. They probably looked for him when he ran away, like a coward, but it´s been months. And Peter is okay with that. He really is.
It happens on a random Friday in August. Of course it does. Peter is leaving work, smelling like diesel and almost falling from exhaustion.
¨Hey!¨
Someone shouts behind him. No big deal, he´s in NYC, someone ought to be shouting.
¨Kid!¨
Huh.
¨Parker!¨
He freezes. Not in a dramatic way.
Oh no.
¨...Fuck my life,¨ he whispers while slowly turning back.
¨What was that?¨ Barnes asks, appearing from around the corner. Peter doesn´t answer. The man sighs. ¨Look, Peter. I´m not here to lecture you. I saw you by accident, I swear. ... take this, okay?¨
He pulls out a note from the pocket of his old vintage jeans.
¨It´s my number. And Sam´s, too.¨ His hand gently tucks the piece of paper inside Parker´s palm. ¨We miss you, kid.¨
Peter wants to get offended. He wants to snap, to say, "Don´t call me kid."¨; He wants to run away, just like that time he ran away from the hospital. Say something, dammit! Peter´s mind screams, but words are stuck in his throat. Bucky gives him a barely noticeable sad smile and turns away, ready to vanish in the crowd.
And Peter snaps. He takes a step, then two, three... Until his arms are around the older man, pulling him into a hug.
¨I´m sorry I´m sorry I´m sorry,¨ are the only words he can manage to say.
For now, that is.
They´ll have a lot of time to talk from now on.
***
Some time since then, a thought crosses Peter´s mind while sitting on Bucky´s couch during their weekly Movie Night.
¨Wait,¨ he pauses the TV, and Bucky groans beside him, ¨Who was that woman who visited me in the hospital while I were unconscious?¨
¨That´s what you ask after Luke gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader?¨
¨That´s not the point.¨
¨Uh, you´re so annoying. It was Yelena.¨
¨Yelena Who?¨
¨Yelena Belova. The Black Widow?¨
¨You´re kidding.¨
¨Does it look like I am?¨
Peter´s jaw drops.
¨Aw. You´re blushing.¨
¨I´m not!¨ Parker quickly grabs the remote and unpauses the movie.
¨I am your father.¨
Yeah. Maybe life isn´t so bad, after all.