Chapter Text
Prologue
Sitting on the window ledge, a smoke dangling from his lips, Ruki glanced around the room. It was dimly lit, the only light source being the tiny stream of light coming from between the curtain and the window frame. The gentle morning breeze coming from the slightly opened window blew the curtain aside every now and then, letting more light in.
Taking another drag of his cigarette, Ruki leaned his head against the frame before blowing out the smoke, his eyes now focusing on the figure lying on the bed. He watched how the other man's back rose and fell, an effect of his calm breathing, and how the duvet cover hung low on his hips, showing every curve of his lean body.
Ruki couldn’t help his mind wandering back to the events of last night as his eyes roamed over the naked skin, the pale neck that now held a visible mark of his teeth and the flawless back that had been glistening with sweat, arching and bowing in perfect unison with his own thrusts. His gaze following the fine line of the other man's spine, Ruki’s eyes settled on the curve of his behind, the cover hiding everything yet still not enough as if urging him to stare.
Shit.
He was not supposed to get aroused from watching his best friend‘s sleeping form. It was wrong and he knew it. It was not normal for a male to yearn for the touch of another male, not long for another man’s lips on his heated skin. To feel alive only when they were connected, touching each other's souls.
Then why did it feel so right?
Closing his eyes, Ruki let out an audible sigh, his right hand that still held the cigarette hanging limp by his side. How did he let things get to this? Why didn’t he stop when he still had some of his self control left, some hold of the reality that would hit them in the face the following day?
Getting down from the ledge, he turned to face the window, moving the curtain aside so that he could throw the last of his cigarette out. So lost in thought he was that he didn’t even notice the other person awakening and getting out of the bed—not until strong arms found their way around his slender waist, pulling him in for a hug from behind.
“Morning”, the deep voice spoke to his ear, still hoarse from sleeping. Soft lips were pressed against the skin of his neck, gently moving against it, sending shivers down Ruki’s spine, his eyes closing shut without him even noticing it. Ruki bit on his lip. It felt so good, so safe to be there in his arms. It felt like the world had stopped turning and the time running. Like everything surrounding them had vanished, leaving just the two of them in a void, in pure white bliss where they only had each other.
The arms around him strengthened their hold for a minute before hands were placed on his hips, turning him around to face the other man. Ruki opened his eyes only to find dark orbs staring right back at him; full of hope, full of dreams he noticed. Dreams that were only meant to be shattered.
As the other man leaned down to kiss him, Ruki turned his head, the lips coming in contact with his right cheek instead. With a puzzled look the other let the vocalist go and backed away, confusion written all over his features.
“What’s wrong?”
The question held so much within.
What wasn’t wrong? Ruki replayed all the answers in his head, none of them making sense anymore. The longer he could feel the piercing gaze on his skin, the more he wanted to give in to his desires. He couldn’t look at the other man for he knew that would break him. So keeping his eyes on the floor, he didn’t say a word.
Not until the man tried to touch him—to lovingly lay a hand on his cheek—did Ruki move, taking a step back and so startling the man even more, shocked eyes meeting scared ones in the semi-darkness.
“Ruki...”
He couldn’t give in. He wouldn’t. He didn’t want to let his feelings take over. For what it would lead him to? To fragility, to a point where he would lose himself and eventually to heartbreak. It was what scared him the most. This aching feeling in his chest right now would be nothing compared to the utter shattering of his heart.
“You need to go”, Ruki hated how insecure his voice sounded as the words slipped past his lips. He was supposed to be confident about this. Then why wasn’t he?
“This isn’t gonna work out so.. Just leave.”
All the sadness and hurt that he could see on the other man’s face hit him like a knife. The wetness of his eyes before the first salty tear ran down the smooth cheek, soon to be followed by its companions, made the blade twist in Ruki's chest.
You think this isn’t hard for me too?
“Why are you saying that?”
Why couldn’t he just leave? Ruki had made his point clear, told him he didn't want him so why was he still standing there, looking at him with those teary eyes?
“Because..” I’m scared. “This just doesn’t feel right.” This feels too right.
Silence fell between them, thick and wrenching, each passing second feeling longer than the last. The burning sensation in Ruki’s eyes was trying to get the best of him but not wanting to show his weaknesses to the other man, he forced the tears away.
Not being able to take it anymore, Ruki turned around to face the window again. Lifting his arm, he motioned towards the door and took a deep breath, trying to hide the shakiness of his voice.
“Leave.”
Stressing the word, he clenched his eyes shut, biting on his bottom lip. Hands trembling from the hidden emotions, he waited, finally getting the answer he wanted as he heard sounds of clothes being picked up from the floor and metal clinging as a belt was buckled, followed by footsteps leading to the door and a small creaking sound as it was opened.
“Fuck you.”
The sound of the door being slammed shut still echoing in his ears, Ruki’s legs gave up on him and he fell on the floor, the warm stream of tears now running freely down his face. He felt utterly disgusted with himself. So easily he had given up the only thing he had wanted the most in the world. The heartbreaking sadness in the other man’s eyes forever burned to his memory, reminding him of his biggest weakness.
As the tears eventually halted, Ruki turned around to sit and lean against the wall. Fumbling slightly, he took a cigarette from the pack on the window ledge, placing it between his trembling lips. A flick of the lighter made the little flame light up the vocalist’s tear-stained face for a brief moment before the room went back to its dark shade. He let his head fall back against the cold surface of the wall, filling his lungs with the supposedly relaxing smoke.
You are fucked up, Ruki.
Chapter 1: Broken
Occupying the brown leather couch they had in their practice room, Ruki flipped through the pages of some random magazine he'd found lying on the floor. It wasn't like he was really interested in the articles it held, the text being a black blur before his eyes. He just needed something to stop his mind from wandering, not allowing himself to think of one certain person and the events of last weekend.
Of course being in the same band with the other man made it a lot more difficult to avoid him altogether but he could always try, to pretend that nothing had ever happened. He had become good at that over the years, pretending. It was like a new talent of his. Hiding behind false truths, just to let his own mind be at ease.
“Practice is off!”, the voice of their drummer made Ruki slowly raise his gaze from the magazine and look at the man who'd just entered the room. Kai looked uncharacteristically concerned. Even Uruha, who was seated next to Ruki, stopped strumming on his guitar.
“What? Why?”, it was Aoi speaking now with a surprised tone. Not that Ruki wasn't just as astonished over the news. It wasn't like their leader to cancel practices, at least not for any light reasons. He had even himself come to the practice in a high fever more than once just because they had had a show coming up and he hadn’t wanted to disappoint the fans.
“Reita called in. He's too sick to get out of bed apparently.”
Reita. Ruki bit on his lip as his mind drifted off to the bassist again. It's not like this should’ve been too surprising, him not showing up to the practice. Not after the way Ruki had treated him nearly a week ago. But as if Ruki had had any other choice. He couldn't keep on living in a lie just to please Reita. That would've only hurt him more in the future.
Except if the lie was the life he was living now...
“Ruki”, hearing his name being called, Ruki snapped out of his thoughts and focused his hazy eyes on Kai again. The drummer was staring down at him, a determined expression on his face, the frowns on his forehead giving away his worried state of mind, “You go and check up on him.”
Wait, what? Why him out of all people? Uruha was Reita's best friend. They'd known each other since they were kids. Wouldn't it be better if he went to see Reita? For all he knew, Ruki himself surely would be the last person Reita wanted to see at the moment. Of course he couldn't tell that to the rest of the band as they had no knowledge of what had occurred between them.
“Reita's all grown up, Kai. I think he can take care of himself”, Ruki mentally high-fived himself for thinking of a reply so quickly. He was sure Kai would now give up and just let him go home. Back to his flat, back to the ghosts of his mind. Ruki shuddered at the thought. Maybe he should just go to a bar and drown himself in alcohol. Yes, that sounded like a much better option.
“Yes, but if he can't even get out of bed, there should be someone there to bring him some medicine. You can't seriously be that uncaring about the health of your band mate and friend, can you?”
Ruki let out a weary sigh. There would be no arguing or fighting back when Kai was this determined about something, let alone when his mind was troubled. Accepting his defeat, Ruki gave him a small nod as he got up from the couch, the magazine he'd been skimming through falling off his lap back on the dusty floor he'd found it from.
“Good. You can stop by the pharmacy on your way.”
Another obedient nod of understanding as Ruki picked up his jacket from the back of the couch and put it on. With a small wave of goodbye he made his way out of the practice room.
The cold wind greeted him as soon as he exited the building. Pulling up the zipper of his jacket, Ruki tugged on the hem, trying to pull it further down. Trembling slightly at the gusty weather, he started making his way towards the place he had the least desire to go to. With gloveless fingers he fished out a cigarette pack from the chest pocket of his jacket. Only one left, he noticed to his annoyance. He would have to visit the store on the way. Not that he really minded. It would give him some more time after all.
Time... for what exactly? For coming up with an excuse for spending the night with the other man, giving him hope for the future and then taking it away the next morning, crushing him without a proper explanation? No. No excuse would be good enough to heal the bleeding wounds.
Placing the white stick between his lips, Ruki crumbled the empty pack within his hand before stuffing it inside his pocket to throw away later.
He searched through his clothing for a lighter, letting out an irritated grunt as he couldn't find one. The day was just getting better and better by each passing second it seemed. Rolling his eyes, he took the cigarette from between his lips and threw it on the ground in annoyance. He'd never been good at hiding his quick temper, even worse when he was denied of his nicotine dose in the time of need.
Looking at his surroundings, Ruki noticed—much to his disappointment—that his legs had led him to the street where Reita lived, way too soon for his liking in all honesty. Spotting the pharmacy on the other side of the road, Ruki looked both ways before crossing the road with a sprint. Not that getting run over by a car didn't actually sound like an appealing thought.
There was a light cling of a bell as Ruki entered the small store. Wrinkling his nose at the smell, Ruki made his way to the counter. He hated visiting pharmacies. They always smelled like medicine which reminded him of hospitals and Ruki had always hated those. He just couldn't help thinking of them as distressing, the knowledge of death weighing you down as you saw all the sick patients and rushing doctors.
“May I help you?”
The unusually stressed and annoyed question brought Ruki back to reality. The pharmacist was staring at him with furrowed eyebrows, an impatient and slightly irritated expression on his face. It seemed like this wasn't the first time he'd asked that question from Ruki. Ruki wondered just how long he'd been spacing out again.
“Umm...”
What was it that he needed to buy? Kai hadn't even told what sickness Reita had. Or well, what excuse. It was very unlikely that Reita actually was ill. It would've been way too much of a coincidence, now wouldn't it. And it's not like Reita had told Kai the real reason for his absence. The bassist still had his pride. And his secrecy. Ruki doubted anyone besides himself knew about Reita's feelings towards him.
Ruki walked out of the pharmacy after spending way too much money for his liking on medicines that the bassist wouldn't even need. He was sure to make Kai pay him back. The drugs weren't cheap after all, they cost a long penny in fact, and that alone made Ruki's mood hit an even lower level than it already had been on.
Pulling up the collar of his jacket to cover everything up to his nose, Ruki started to walk towards the nearby convenience store. It was just around the corner. Dodging people along the way, Ruki was soon happy to be inside again, hiding from the freezing wind even if just for a moment.
Not really knowing what he was there to buy—other than his sweet nicotine and a lighter— Ruki just made his way past the shelves, soon finding himself standing in front of the instant ramens. He wondered if he should buy some for Reita. That would show him that he cared, right?
In the most shallow and meaningless kind of way, he couldn't help thinking to himself.
Quickly he grabbed a cup of instant miso soup and some noodles he'd seen in Reita's kitchen in the past. At least those were something the bassist seemed to like. Then he headed towards the cashier, grabbing a black lighter from the shelf before placing his groceries on the line.
The cash register was beeping as the young lady ran the products by it. Absentmindedly running his fingers through his hair, Ruki asked for a pack of his favorite cigarettes, the girl placing the said item on the counter soon after. A bright smile on her face, she looked up at him, telling him the overall price.
As Ruki was searching for the right amount from his wallet, he noticed how the girl was sending him these certain looks. He could see her lips moving as she spoke to him but Ruki had tuned out her voice. He saw her tugging her hair behind her ear as a clear sign of her interest over him as she bit on her bottom lip in a tempting manner, gently squeezing her bosom between her arms—an action that caused her cleavage to stand out and Ruki to stare unintentionally.
Maybe she'd recognized him.. or just otherwise fancied him. But Ruki didn't care. The girl was none of his interest. Not of course denying the pretty looks of the girl but Ruki's mind was far too occupied. Although he didn't want to accept the reason. It was easier to deny it than to deal with it.
So as soon as the girl had given Ruki back his change, he nodded in response, fleeing from the store without giving the girl a second glance. Maybe it was a bit rude but he didn't let it bother him. He had bigger problems ahead.
Looking up at the apartment building rising in front of his eyes, Ruki suddenly craved for a smoke worse than he'd ever craved for anything in his life. He lifted the bag he'd stuffed his groceries to higher so that he could go dig out his cigarettes from it. But no matter how much he searched through the objects, he couldn't find the pack.
Fuck!
He must have left it on the counter in his hurry. Cursing in his mind and stomping his foot to the ground, Ruki managed to make more than a few people stare at him. He gave them back a mocking grin, loving the way their heads immediately turned away and how the people quickened their pace in an instant.
He chuckled lightly at his small victory before recalling his cigarettes again. It'd be too embarrassing to go back and get them now, especially when the girl had basically been flirting with him. She might've thought he'd left the pack there on purpose, just to get a reason to go back and ask for her number. No, Ruki was not going back there. He'd just have to cope without his nicotine doze.
Maybe he could bum one from Reita.. If he dared. Maybe even a cigarette was too much to request in their current situation.
Heaving out a sigh, he entered the building before him and headed towards the elevators.
Taking in a deep breath, Ruki knocked on the familiar door and waited, yet no answer came. His brows furrowing slightly he rang the door bell. Nothing. He leaned against the door, his ear pressed flat against the wooden surface as he tried to listen if there were any signs of life in the apartment yet he heard nothing.
Starting to get a little worried, he forced his hand into the pocket of his jeans, fishing out his keys. Luckily Reita had given him a spare one back when they were still considered friends. If only he'd now find the right one.. Why on earth did he have so many keys in the first place? Stuffing a random key into the keyhole, Ruki tried to turn it, soon noticing it was the wrong one.
On the fourth try he finally managed to get the key right.
The door opened with a quiet creaking sound as Ruki pulled it, getting inside the dark flat. As quietly as he could he closed the door behind him. Leaving his shoes next to the wall in the lobby, Ruki noticed Reita's shoes there as well. So the other man couldn't be out at least. And the apartment smelled like cigarettes—another thing telling him that Reita hadn't been out much but had been smoking inside instead. Very unlike him as a matter of fact.
A little hesitantly he made his way into the living room. There was no one there. No lights were on and the curtains had been drawn over the windows, not giving any room for daylight. Squinting his eyes, Ruki tried to get them to adjust to the dim lighting. The coffee table was filled with empty beer bottles and there was a full ashtray on the edge, half over it and ready to drop any second.
Walking over, Ruki pushed the ashtray more to the center of the table with his knee. He picked up most of the bottles in his arms, deciding to clean the place up even just a tiny bit. As he turned to walk he hit his toes on something on the floor. Looking down he noticed a bottle of Jack Daniel's lying around with only a tiny drop left in it.
Sighing downheartedly, Ruki walked over to the kitchen, cradling the empty bottles in his arms. The sink was full of dirty dishes and there was even a half-drank cup of coffee on the table. And by the looks of it, it had been standing there for quite some time already. Lowering the bottles in his hands on the table, Ruki shook his head. This was so not like Reita.
Opening the fridge, he noticed how empty it was; only a few beer bottles and a piece of old bread on the shelf. Mentally thanking himself for buying the bassist at least some food, Ruki closed the door and left the bag from the store on the counter as he exited the kitchen. There was only one room left where Reita could be.
Slowly he walked over to the door leading to Reita's bedroom. He gave it a small knock, just in case, before creaking the door slightly ajar. Peaking his head inside, he could see a dark form lying on the bed. Quietly he entered the room. Ruki scrunched up his nose. The air was thick and stuffy, making it difficult to breathe. Or maybe it was just the distress he was feeling..
Without making a sound he made his way towards the bed, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. He looked down at Reita's sleeping form. He looked pale, sickly pale. Nothing like the Reita he was the last time he had seen him. Was this because of him? Because of the way he had treated the other man? Ruki could feel a knot building inside his throat. He tried to swallow it down but it stayed right where it was.
Reaching out, he touched Reita's cheek with the palm of his hand. His skin felt cold. The warmth he recalled had been drained out. Reita's brows were furrowed, twitching slightly every now and then, and Ruki couldn't help wondering what the other man was dreaming of. Was it a nightmare?
As the eyelids suddenly started fluttering open, Ruki quickly withdrew his hand, rising off the bed with a rapid move. Slowly Reita woke from his slumber, clearing his throat and was about to stretch but froze as he noticed Ruki. Ruki could have sworn there was a quick flash of joy in Reita's eyes before they grew dark again, the usual brightness in them being washed away by an angry glow.
“What are you doing here?”, the bassist's voice was hoarse, as if he hadn't spoken for a long time. He lifted his upper body off the mattress, his back leaning against the headboard as he reached out for his smokes on the bedside table. Placing a cigarette between his dry lips, he lit it, the tiny flame lighting up his face for a brief moment and Ruki could see how drained he looked, not being able to help the thought that he was the cause for his friend's state coming to mind.
Reita took a long drag of the cigarette, his eyes closing as he inhaled the smoke and his chest rising as it slowly filled his lungs. As he exhaled he opened his eyes again, trembling fingers holding the cigarette, his glassy stare directed at the darkness before him.
“You have no right to be here.”
Ruki looked down at his feet in shame. He knew he didn't. It's not like it had been his choice to come here in the first place. Fiddling with his fingers, Ruki bit on his lip as he slowly lifted his gaze back on the man on the bed.
“Kai told me to come.”
It was the truth, right? He wouldn't have come here if the drummer hadn't told him to. It pained him to see Reita like this. If only he'd known, he wouldn't have stepped a foot inside this place.
“Have you been eating at all?”
Reita turned his head away, his eyes staring blankly at the wall and his mouth not giving any kind of an answer.
“You're not really sick, are you?”
“What do you care?”, Ruki flinched at Reita's harsh words. Of course he cared. Reita was his best friend. It wasn't like that had changed. At least from his part.
Slowly walking back towards the bed, Ruki sat down on the edge, noticing how Reita immediately scooted further away from him. Combing his fingers through his hair, Ruki sighed, not really knowing what to say or do. He'd never been in this kind of a situation before.
“Look, Reita, I'm...”
A liar? A coward? Someone who was too scared to actually admit that.. No. Ruki shook his head to himself. He had nothing to admit.
“I'm sorry...”, he finally breathed out, eyes shyly looking up to see if Reita had heard him. Yet what he saw shocked him. Reita's whole body was quivering, the full bottom lip of his being harshly bitten by his teeth as he stared at the upper corner of the room. His already reddened eyes were glistening as the tears threatened to fall.
“Reita..”, trying to take the bassist's hand in his, Ruki reached out yet Reita's warning voice stopped him.
“Don't touch me.”
“But—”
“I said don't fucking touch me!”
Quickly getting up from the bed, Ruki stared at the eyes that were now glaring at him. But soon Reita tore his gaze away, his hand reaching out for the beer bottle on the nightstand. He took a big gulp from it, all movements coming to a halt a mere second later before he took a dash for the bathroom. Ruki could hear him gagging.
Carefully he made his way to the bathroom door, hand resting on the door frame as he looked at the sad sight before his eyes. Crouching over the toilet, Reita knelt on the white tiling, trembling hands holding onto the edges. His whole body shook almost violently as he emptied his already empty stomach into the porcelain bowl.
Pitying his friend Ruki knelt beside him, his hand running soothingly up and down Reita's back as the other moved the sweaty strands of hair away from his face and behind Reita's ear.
Soon the gagging ceased and Reita slumped down on the floor, back resting against the cold wall, his head thrown back as he breathed harshly through his slightly parted lips. At first Ruki thought it was cold sweat dripping down the side of the other man's face but as soon as Reita opened his eyes, he could see that they were actually tears. But they were soon wiped away by the bassist's hand. He wasn't going to crumble down in front of Ruki, that much the vocalist knew.
“I'd appreciate it if you could just leave me alone now.”
The anxiety Ruki was feeling went up a notch. The drill against his ribcage fastened its pace and the chokehold on his neck got tighter. He couldn't stop the slight trembling of his lower lip.
As Ruki made no attempt of even getting up, Reita lowered his gaze, laying a glance on Ruki before directing his eyes on the ceiling again.
“Leave.”
Nodding at the word, Ruki slowly got up from the floor, careful not to look at Reita as he made his way towards the bathroom door. Fingers grasping the wooden frame, he bit on his lip, trying to gain enough strength to keep the shakiness of his voice away.
“I brought you some soup and medicine. They're in the kitchen”, Ruki took a little break before continuing, his voice now merely above a whisper, “I know you hate me right now but... Please don't take it out on the band.”
With that he walked out of the room, with quick steps making his way into the lobby. Maybe it was a selfish request but right now he didn’t care. All he wanted was to get out of there as soon as possible. Every second he spent in that apartment was crushing him, making it more difficult for him to breathe. So he put on his shoes as fast as he could and ran out of the door, slamming it shut behind him, his feet now leading him out of the building.
Once outside Ruki crouched beside the wall, a hand on his throat trying to soothe the pain. He closed his eyes, breathing fast and sharp as he rocked back and forth, arms wrapped around his knees hugging himself as he tried to gain back the control over his own body. He wanted to scream, to open his mouth and just scream. Anything to let out the anxiety he was feeling. But knowing it would be no use he just bit down on his quivering bottom lip, clenching his eyes shut even tighter, so tight that they started to water.
Get up, you idiot! Get up!
Not knowing how long he'd been there fighting with himself, Ruki finally opened his eyes. Slowly he got up and cleared his throat, feeling how the choking feeling was gradually vanishing, leaving behind only a soreness that Ruki knew could be cured with a hot cup of coffee. Or a shot of vodka. Ruki let out a small chuckle at the thought.
Running his fingers through his hair, he heaved out a sigh and turned to take a step in the direction of his own flat but was stopped dead in his tracks as he noticed someone standing there, looking at him with bashful eyes.
The cashier girl.
Just how long had she been standing there? Had she possibly witnessed his collapse? Ruki could see his dignity being flushed down the toilet right before his eyes. Shit.
“I, uh..”, the girl started, her gaze quickly dropping to the ground between them as she bowed, arms stretched out before her, holding out an all-too-familiar item. “You forgot these at the store.”
Slightly dumbfounded, Ruki took the cigarette pack from the girl, giving her a small nod as a thank you. The girl flashed him a bright yet still shy smile.
“I just finished my shift and saw you outside so I thought...”
Ruki didn't really know what to say so he remained silent. The girl's gaze fell at her feet as she waited for Ruki's response yet as it never came she turned around on her heels, about to walk away but before she could dash from the scene, Ruki stopped her.
“Hey!”
The girl turned to face him again, this time wearing a much more confident expression on her face than merely a second ago. Ruki knew she meant trouble. He knew. Yet it still didn't stop him from throwing the innocent sounding question in the air, a question that everyone knew would lead to much more than what it suggested.
“Would you like to go out for a drink?”