Chapter Text
Brrrring!
Brrrrring!
There had never been a sound so heavenly and so irritating in all of history, Uzi was sure of it.
She was also sure there had never been a drone who’d fled from a classroom as fast as she just had, grabbing her backpack out of pure muscle memory rather than because she actually remembered it existed. No matter how quick her feet moved, as far as her waning patience was concerned, she wasn’t getting out of there fast enough.
The bell had long since finished ringing, but the sound continued to reverberate behind her visor, bouncing around like a virus having a field day. She grit her teeth.
Try as she might, it was impossible to block out all the chatter from the hallways as she bee-lined for her locker.
To her left, a group of drones were laughing obnoxiously. Behind her, some moron with a backwards hat attempted a skateboard trick and fell over, drawing a cascade of sympathetic noises from the drones around him. Someone bumped into her right shoulder and it took all her willpower to keep from snapping at them- keep moving, keep walking. Do. Not. Stop.
Uzi put her hands over her external audio receptors and willed time to stop entirely.
Her locker seemed like it was both her saving grace and mocking her, standing there with its stupid closed door and stupid combination lock and stupid loud metal groan as she pried the damn thing open.
But it was the last obstacle that stood between her and home right now, so she decided it would get the tiniest bit of respect in the form of not slamming the door shut so hard the metal dented permanently.
Unfortunately, some idiot didn’t feel the same way, the horribly high-pitched shriek of metal on metal signifying someone slamming their locker shut assaulting Uzi’s senses from somewhere nearby. She could’ve figured out who if she wasn’t so busy leaning against the wall for support, covering as much of her head as possible with her arms.
Going home had never been this difficult- if only everyone could just be quiet— she’d be out of here on any other day, but no, not today, nooooo. Every stupid frickin’ sound was like sheet metal on a chalkboard, echoing for far too long and driving Uzi insane. She was even starting to hear sounds that weren’t there.
Breathing heavily, she picked herself up and began to shovel book after book into her backpack, trying to block out everything via nothing but sheer willpower. It wasn’t working, but maybe if she believed hard enough, a meteor would crash into the bunker and she’d just die.
The idle chitchat of the workers filled her head despite her best efforts.
“Do you have any plans for later? I was thinking we could...”
Shut up.
“Who-hoa! Nice one, Derek! We’ll be getting A’s for sure with...”
Shut. Up.
“Is there a reason for the...”
“I think it’s really cool how...”
“Oh my god, did you see the...”
“What?! No fair, I didn’t get to...”
Shut. UP.
“I hope you don’t think everyone sees you as some kind of hero now, freak, because we don’t.”
“Whoa, isn’t that Doorman?”
“Don’t get the wrong idea just because everyone tolerates you now. It’s because they’re scared of you, Doorman.”
“Hey, is she okay?”
“Isn’t that thing just stuck inside you now? You’re a ticking time bomb waiting to blow us all up!”
“Uzi? Are you alright?”
Shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP--
The only sound that mattered was the clang of her locker door hitting hard metal, forgoing her earlier promise to treat it gently. Gentle didn’t exist right now. Everything was sharp, sharp, sharp.
Every footfall away from the clattering and talking felt like ice pricks up her legs. Every turn into a new hallway leading to somewhere she could be alone made her nauseous.
Everything was dark and too bright at the same time. The overhead lights flickered with age and Uzi stumbled. She stepped on something that made a scraping sound and saw stars, teeth grit hard enough to hear the almost-inaudible sounds of grinding.
Something was going to give. Something HAD to give, if she didn’t get home where it was safe and quiet and alone immediately.
Another right and she’d be there. Just a little longer in the too-bright lights and too-dark hallways and too-loud drones and whatever it was that scraped under her feet like cogs that don’t fit. Cogs that will never fit, no matter how hard they try. No matter how they scrap and mold and re-purpose themselves, they’ll never fit in with the rest.
They’ll always be wrong, and cogs that don’t fit are thrown away.
Somewhere, that bell was still ringing.
The silence of Uzi’s house was almost too loud. The darkness was almost too dark. The thump of her backpack hitting the carpet almost made her jump.
But she was home. Finally home, where she could allow herself to feel, and to let those feelings break her down. If she’d learned anything from the past few months, it was that masking only took you so far. It was unhealthy and it hurt people. It hurt you.
Some grace was awarded. Today was the first in a while. It was just to get home- an emergency tactic just to get out of there. Here, she could let the mask go. She’d let it hit the floor and shatter.
She didn’t notice when the first digital tear fell down the left side of her visor, nor the one on the right, but the soft ‘clack’ of the door closing behind her only served to open the floodgates even wider.
The violet string lights in her room were still on from when she’d left that morning, but they were dim, just how she liked it. Her keyboard glowed softly, cycling through many colors in a calming wave. The only true brightness came from a headlamp she had facing her old crazed ramblings tacked onto the ceiling above her bed, which she promptly shut off and collapsed onto the sheets.
For how loud everything had been just moments ago, now, all that remained of that earlier claustrophobic feeling was a distant ringing that Uzi was confident didn’t exist. It was almost like she was back in space, in that vacuum of complete and total silence. If she scanned her memory files, she could almost hear the soft hum of distant stars from where she floated above the world, watching it all end. Someone crazier might have even called that moment... peaceful.
And then Cyn- the solver. It showed up again, wearing someone else’s skin, using some poor drone’s false voice, faking everything except its glee at watching everyone Uzi loved suffer- at watching her struggle to save the only people who ever cared about her- who ever trusted her.
...Do they even trust her anymore?
She tucked her knees into her chest and hugged them tight, shooting a glare filled with as much venom as she could muster at her yellow-tinged tail, seemingly asleep for the time being.
Nobody else did, and why should they? She hosted the solver, the reason for any of this happening in the first place. You could- I mean, you could even call her responsible for it- responsible for everything; for her mom and her friends that died to the virus, for every worker killed by a brainwashed Disassembly Drone, for her friends who were turned into monsters for no reason other than because something incomprehensible thought it would be fun.
Uzi knows it’s stupid to blame herself for things that happened years before she was even a little untrained neural network, but if it’s not her fault, then it’s her mom’s for hosting the solver in the first place, and then it’s Uzi’s for being given those genes and doing nothing about it until she started breaking mirrors with her mind!
It doesn’t matter if she didn’t know! Her mom’s drawings were right there in that stupid door her dad told her not to open- and she, what? LISTENED to him?! Her, the bunker’s most infamous angsty rule-breaking teen? What is wrong with her!?
**
Despite knowing her visor was flooded with digital tears, she still wasn’t making a sound. Her clothing felt stuck to her body; sticky, almost, too small for her plating. She had to suppress the urge to break her own knees, bend her legs the wrong way until they snapped. She wanted to pull on her fingers until they popped off and then yank out the wires underneath to watch them grow back.
Uzi let her legs go and hugged herself, tube-like arms curling around her shoulders and clutching on as if the fabric of her hoodie would somehow prevent her from drowning.
**
She thought about Camp 98.7. She thought about all her classmates that would never get to graduate. Even if she didn’t like them, and they were mean, that didn’t mean they needed to die. Workers had a screwed-up sense of mortality, but they all avoided death, generally. No one liked when family members died.
How many families in the bunker were one short because of her actions that night? How many families were wiped out entirely when the solver tried to eat the planet, because she was too slow? Because she couldn’t learn fast enough- ugh, if she had just solved the mystery faster, found her mom’s crazy drawings sooner, she would’ve figured it all out the moment J turned into that eldritch centipede and burned the solver’s code onto the walls!
Uzi knew she was a smart drone, she could’ve- ... she could’ve.
And now nothing’s changed. The solver isn’t dead. Everyone still hates her. She’s still a slave to her emotions and unstable, and any moment of weakness could be exploited by that thing to gain control again, just like before. Because she’s slow, and weak, nothing but a little b[PARENTAL ADVISORY]tch.
Vision blurry and mind swimming, it was hard for Uzi to see anything except all her mistakes, much less the door to her dark haven opening and closing so softly it barely made a creak. But she could still hear, ohhh she could hear everything, and her head snapped up almost instantly to tell the intruder to ‘get out’.
And then she stopped, and wanted to cry harder.
Every cell in her biological components, every string of code in her artificial ones wanted to scream and yell and rip apart everything in the world, tear it all down and start anew, she wanted to fly away somewhere nobody knew her, where no one would judge her for being who she was, she wanted to wipe away her own memories and forget herself, and hope that when she woke up, she might be somebody better.
But all of that would make N so sad, and there he was. Standing silently between Uzi’s bed and the door he shut so gently, eyes looking towards her with such worry and care it made her want to throw up.
He shuffled from foot to foot awkwardly, like he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. His tail waved left to right, slow, in a way one could call hypnotizing. Distantly, Uzi replayed the moment he’d stabbed her with it when they first met and remembered the pain of nanites eating through her hand; devouring her synthetic plating, corroding the sensitive wiring beneath.
The memory was scary... and enticing.
**
That was practically the answer to her problems right there. Just break the canister into her mouth and let the nanites eat away everything bad about her from within. Maybe they could even find wherever the solver had taken up residence in her body and consume it, because that’s how drones were doomed to work from the start, right? Consumption and blood, replacing old code with the new. Nanites were just a smaller version, and a simple solution.
**
Or even a virus might do it. Everyone knows if you leave one alone long enough and it’ll start corrupting your CPU. If she got herself sick and went into hiding, maybe it would just... get rid of everything she was, and then someone could restart her and build her into someone else. Maybe—
“Uzi?”
Soft. Soft, soft, too soft for how sharp she was feeling. Every bad thought and harmful plan she made flashed through her head at hyper speed and almost crushed her with the guilt. How could she be thinking about that when N was right there? God, she was horrible, just- a horrible drone. It was no wonder the solver stuck around. It must feel right at home in whatever disgusting mess Uzi calls her insides.
“Uzi,” N tried again, oblivious to her inner turmoil, “Can- can you hear me?”
He reached out an unsteady hand, then retracted it, unsure.
Uzi knew he liked touch, knew he appreciated communication and closeness- look at him. He’s scared of her now, too, ‘cause she ruined it, like she ruins everything. Like she’s going to ruin the world one day if- if it’s allowed to fester inside of her the way it did her mom.
Just look at all the damage she’d already done! The planet’s in pieces, the sky is red, it barely even snows anymore, its just rain and sleet and slippery and unstable and horrible because she couldn’t think of a better plan to beat the solver than eating the f[PARENTAL ADVISORY]cking thing because she’s so—
Uzi jolted so hard she hit her head on the headrest.
There was a sudden pressure on her shoulders, hot, way too hot, but comforting, and nauseating, and the ringing was ten times worse and loud and it wouldn’t get out of her head.
**
“Uzi, Uzi- you’re gonna short something out, please-”
A far-away voice begged in a tone too soft to be meant for her, hard to hear over her harsh breathing, venting out air quicker than she was taking it in. Her fingers dug into her arms, the malleable metal bending with a soft groan. It wasn’t enough- she wasn’t broken yet, she had to hurt more—
**
“Please, breathe.”
More pressure, gone from her shoulders and on her wrists, pulling them away from her arms and closer to his chest, warm, too warm, too soft and nice and not for her. She tried to tug them back, to get away, she didn’t deserve it, but his grip was stronger than hers, and more focused. Focused.. Focus, focus, focus—
Concentrating, Uzi felt her own breathing, erratic; the bend of her arms, little divots where she’d been pressing; the warmth of his fingers around her wrists, strong, but gentle. Firm, but afraid to hurt her. Vision still swimming with errors and tears, she tried to turn her digital eyes towards N.
Immediately his own eyes softened, something that started another wave of panic washing over Uzi. Not enough, don’t deserve it, get away from me—
“There you are,” Relief, unfiltered, raw, and wasted on her, “Hey, buddy... Rough day?”
So, so gently, he placed her hands in his lap and rested his own atop them in a hold that felt much less like he was keeping her prisoner and more like he was just watching over her. To make sure she was safe.
“Do you need to talk about it? Or... I can talk, or find something to distract you...”
The smile he gave made her stomach churn and turn ten times over, doing flips that felt like butterflies and a cement tosser all at once.
“We can also just sit here for a bit, if that’s what you want.”
Uzi wished he didn’t know her so well. She wished the world would end and take her with it. She wished he would give up and leave her alone.
All at once everything became too much again. Every sensation in the world played in her mind, danced across her synthetic skin, buried itself in the sensitive wiring of her insides and tugged and tore through her like a virus without an anti-malware program- the soft glow of his visor was too bright, the soothing whirr of his voice like a swarm of locusts, the warmth of his hands on hers an overwhelming and all-encompassing heat that screamed ‘starving’.
And just like that, she finally broke.
In one less-than fluid motion, Uzi ripped her hands away from his and scrambled to the other side of the bed, awkwardly loosing one leg onto the floor and tumbling the rest of the way down. N moved quickly to try and assess, to help, but he couldn’t do more than stand up before she spat.
“DON’T touch me, don’t—” Legs, tangled together, clumsily fumbled away from him and towards another dark corner of the room, “Get- get out.”
Optics locked on an oil-stained portion of carpet, Uzi didn’t see the way his eyes hollowed out with surprise; as hurt flashed across his visor. She didn’t see the way he shook it away and kindly replaced it with a neutral frown. A crease of worry. She didn’t have to see it to know she’d already been forgiven.
The bell rang louder.
He opened his mouth to speak, but she also didn’t have to see that to know. If she had to deal with being known, so did he, and she wouldn’t let him get a single word in. Uzi knew it was a bad idea, she knew she was being irrational and taking it out on him.
She knew that, but—
It was just...
So. Loud.
“Just- leave me ALONE, N! Why can’t you get that?! Why—”
Why won’t you call me names, too?
“I don’t want to see you- I don’t want to see ANYONE! I—”
I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared I’m going to lose you.
“I- I already know you hate me, so get it over with! Tell me already and get out of my LIFE!”
Please don’t leave me, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry. I need you here.
The ringing was deafening, repeating the same forsaken loop over and over and over. A cruel and mocking chime, now.
What... did she just do?
Oh. Oh god, she just- she just yelled at N. She just yelled at her best friend and told him to get out of her life, just- made him feel— feel as bad as she did, what- what is WRONG with her??
No longer silent, Uzi’s soft whimpers and sniffs filled the room, breath catching on invisible words. She covered her face with her arms and curled into the tightest ball she could, hoping beyond hope that she’d suffocate somehow and pass away before having to face what she’d done. She halted her feed, causing her vision to fill with static and errors, which in turn also shut off her visor lights.
N had talked to her at length before, about his life as a Disassembly Drone prior to meeting her. It was cold and lonely, the way he described it.
By night, he’d hunt in a pack with V and J, scaring off drones they were unable to catch and drain, and by day, he’d be left alone to scribble drawings in the snow. In the dark, far beneath the deadly sunlight.
He’d had no one to talk to but himself, or maybe a pile of snow he shaped into something fun to look at. J didn’t tend to associate with either of them outside of business-related missions or meetings, and V pretended he didn’t exist. N had said- he knew now why she did that, she was just trying to protect him, but it had hurt, and that hurt lasted long into the present day.
Uzi remembered; he brought it up as a way to apologize for his ‘clinginess’, as he put it.
She hated when he talked like that. Maybe he was clingy, but she was lonely, and it balanced out, she thought.
But what good was that now? She knew how lonely his life was before her, she knew how sensitive he was, how he struggled with self-confidence, and- ...and, well, she supposed that’s just how knowing people went. If you knew them, you knew how to hurt them deeper than strangers. And that’s just what she did.
Like it’s the only thing she’s good at anymore. Breaking things that aren’t broken. Breaking things that have been broken enough. Breaking things that have been broken before, with cracks that have been sealed up, and making sure they shatter along new edges.
The air around her couldn’t have been more stifling if she were locked in a coffin and buried alive. It was warm like damp, but dry like chill, and she shivered as sobs rocked through her whole body. Regret began to eat away at her insides; guilt gnawing at the code in the back of her head. Uzi wanted to apologize, to beg for forgiveness she knew she didn’t deserve, but that self-loathing part of her that consumed her whole being wouldn’t allow it- because she knew N.
She knew if she crawled to him, broken and hurting, he’d give his everything up to save her. If she needed a hand, he’d gnaw his own off with a smile, and- she couldn’t do that to him anymore.
If she was going to treat him just as bad as V and J had, then it was best if she let him think she hated him. So he would leave, and spare himself the hurt.
Images of a future spent alone flashed through her mind and sent another wave of pain and sorrow shuddering through her body, limbs shaking with the effort of trying to keep still. The sound of light footsteps almost made her perk up to listen closer, but she resisted. They stopped at her door, and then went silent, leaving Uzi with no choice but to assume N had listened to her, and was gone.
And then she was alone, and the guilt and sorrow and fear and loathing crawled their way out of her mouth in the deepest, ugliest sobs she could make. Oh, she tried to quiet herself down - if N was still nearby and heard, there’s a chance he’d come back to help - but it all hurt so badly.
Everything was white-hot pain, thorns clamping around her sore limbs, clutching her throat and her core from within, poking and prodding every time she breathed in. Uzi wished she was ill or injured or something that would make it easier to make it all go away. There’s no antivirus program to install for a broken heart, or a patch to exorcise regret.
**
There’s no better word for it. She wailed. She wailed and cried, sobbed loud and sad, hiccuped over her pleas for forgiveness, coughed when she tried to stammer out her ‘I’m sorry’s. Her hands gripped at her shoulders, pulling and pushing, taking some semblance of comfort in the cracking sound that followed as her plating finally gave way and the too-warm feeling of oil trickled down her hands. It was a sign that she was hurting, and that was all she deserved.
It took what felt like years of painful breaths hitching and biting on her own fingers before Uzi finally felt like she could breathe again, if only slightly.
**
She was still sad.
And lonely.
And in pain.
Now, though, she was mostly just tired, and as much as she wanted the world to blow up, she didn’t have the power to make that happen, and the day went on.
She swallowed something and reluctantly restarted her visor display, purple optics flickering back to life with only a few start-up glitches.
The day went on, and she probably wanted to sleep in an actual bed instead of on the floor, covered in her own oil. As she sat up onto her knees to crawl over to the bed, she stopped, however.
There, curled up by the door, was N. Not gone. Never left, apparently. Visor seemingly turned off like hers has been, or- or maybe he was asleep? How the hell had he managed to fall asleep with her crying like a little b[PARENTAL ADVISORY]tch not ten feet away?
She couldn’t help it. She had to open her stupid mouth.
“...What are you doing?”
**
Immediately she shut it and wanted to throw herself into a wall, body and all, to see how big of an oil splatter she’d make. Then she wanted to die just for thinking something that morbid.
**
At the sound of her voice, N’s visor flickered to life with far less glitches - okay, not turned off, and not asleep, just resting - and he turned to her with an unreadable expression. If she had to pick any word to describe his eyes, she would have said ‘fatigued’.
“Waiting.”
“F... for what?”
“...For you to feel better.”
Immediately, there was nothing she could think of to say. Her processors weren’t processing. Everything about her was sluggish and slow, which gave N ample time to continue, shifting his knees below his head so she could see the rest of his face.
A soft frown. Not disappointed, or angry, or even... hurt. Just concerned.
“Do you feel better now?” He asked, not pressed, gentle as can be, “I don’t want to push you, but I think... I want to talk about... you know, all of that? When you’re ready.”
There is no - Frickin’ - Way - he was being this patient- he canNOT be this f[PARENTAL ADVISORY]cking patient?? She just yelled at him within an inch of his life and told him to get lost, and he’s just- what, been sitting there, waiting for her to sort through her crap by herself while she bawled her visor off????
Oh my god, she’s literally the worst ever. Someone take her out back and blow her head off, sweet Robo-Jesus.
“W... Why?”
She had NO right to be questioning him at that point, but- god, what else was there to do?? This horribly kind drone was going to be the death of himself!
“No- seriously, why? I j-.... I...”
The words got caught in her throat. She didn’t want to say them out loud, didn’t want to admit how badly she messed up. Uzi swallowed and tried again.
“I said... a lot of... awful stuff,” Unconsciously, she curled into herself as she spoke, “I told you to leave.”
She didn’t mean for that last part to sound accusatory, and maybe it didn’t, but everything she did was wrong right now, so the cringe her body did was probably obvious to N even on the other side of the room.
In response, all he did was unfurl his limbs more until his legs were properly sprawled out as he put his hands in his lap, looking, in all honesty, very polite.
“I mean... I could tell you didn’t mean it? Something clearly happened, today sucked, and...”
He paused, searching for the words.
“Well, I don’t think it takes a genius to know you were upset? Heh...” N ended his statement with a weak chuckle. Nothing was really funny, but that’s just what he did when there was tension.
“I mean, i-if you actually want me to go, I will! I just-... it didn’t seem like you really meant anything you said? So, I, um...”
He started to fiddle with his fingers in his lap. Another trait Uzi recognized. A nervous habit.
“I just didn’t want you to be alone, if that were the case. I- I would have waited outside the door, to stop your dad from coming in, but I- ...”
He cut himself off... suspiciously. Against her better judgment, she narrowed her eye lights. N glanced at her, away, and back a few times before sighing.
“It’s selfish, but I just... wanted to be able to see you, still? It, um... I get.. nervous, not knowing where you are. A- and if you’re upset, it’s worse when I can’t see you,” His fingers stilled and he leveled an oddly serious look at Uzi, “It makes me feel like I’m abandoning you.”
She wanted to cry again.
This drone really would be the death of himself. She’d just screamed the nastiest things in her mind directly in his face, just- the most vile things she could have said to him, and he- he just... how does he do it?
How does he always do this? Know what to say, how to say it, when to say it- where does he get all this endless patience? How does he have so much kindness in his core? And... why can’t she be like him?
She watched as his eyes hollowed out and widened slightly, reacting to the new stream of digital tears making their way down her visor. He looked conflicted; twitched with intent to stand up, but stopped himself. Hands reached out on instinct, before placing themselves back in his lap to play twister with once more.
This time, when she cut him off, it wasn’t to stop him from saying something she wanted to hear, but because she had something he needed to hear.
“I’m sorry,” Uzi began, voice hoarse and uneven, “I’m sorry, N, I didn’t- you’re right, I didn’t mean any of that! I don’t want you to go, I- I don’t hate you, I’m sorry!”
She flipped through memory files as quick as she could to find a list of all the things she’d ever done to apologize for, going through them one by one in her broken little voice.
“Oh, Uzi... it’s—”
No. None of that.
“No! It’s not okay, I’m not okay! Don’t let me treat you like that! You-” Uzi coughed and sniffled, “You deserve so much more than that, okay?! I shouldn’t... I’m... I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Wind fully knocked out of her sails, she slumped down in the middle of the floor. With nothing to lean on, she looked like a marionette with its strings cut. Lifeless, aside from those pathetic little sounds she was making.
Distracted with the weight of her own sadness, she didn’t notice he’d moved until a tall figure sat on his knees in front of her, tail tucked neatly underneath with the nanite canister somewhere behind him, out of sight.
She didn’t dare look up.
“...Thanks. Can I give you a hug now?”
And there it was, she could practically hear the tender smile in his voice, the kindness of his question like a slap to the face. Phrasing it like it was something he wanted, and not something he wanted to provide for her sake, just to make her feel better about having desires.
She sniffed and turned away.
“I don’t deserve it. I’m a bad person.”
A brief moment of silence. Long enough for her nerves to start up again, but short enough that they didn’t get to take off.
“I don’t think so. But okay. I still want to give you a hug, even if you’re a bad person.”
Now that caught her off guard. Head flicking up, sporting a probably embarrassing look of befuddlement, she responded, “Huh?”
And oh, the smile she was imagining didn’t hold a candle to the real thing. How one drone with a body count in the thousands could look so gentle and loving was beyond her, and it was beyond her stomach, which was back to doing those annoying flips.
“You-... you don’t get it? I’m awful. I said all that horrible stuff to you, I pushed you away when you were just trying to help. I’m—” The weight was too much again. She gave herself a moment to catch her breath and force the words up, “I’m dangerous with this... thing in me, just waiting for me to lose control. I- It would be easier and... safer for everybody if I just... went away. I’m not worth it. Any of it.”
Not for a second did his smile falter. If anything, it somehow grew softer, the logistics of which were completely lost on her. If he managed to make his face look any more kind, she might lose it.
“...Yeahhh, we can work on that... Obviously I don’t think any of that is true— well, you did yell - but you apologized, and I forgive you! But since I don’t think I can convince you to feel better about yourself right this second,” Slowly, as if trying to avoid spooking an animal, he held his arms out wide, “For now... hug?”
Uzi just stared. Like, to the point where in any other situation it would start to become socially awkward, but she was just so dumbfounded, and N was just so nice, and so they just stared at each other for a while, looking rather stupid.
“...E- Even though I... deserve for you to hate me?”
It sounded so pathetic it hurt, but it’s all she could say. All she believed was true in that moment. He simply shrugged a little in response.
“Well, maybe I’m dumb, but I don’t hate you,” N paused for just a split second, completely unaware that what he was about to say was about to break Uzi right down to the molecules, “Just because you got mad and said mean stuff to me once doesn’t mean I love you any less.”
Every bone in her biological components, every wire in her artificial ones, went slack with disbelief.
“You’re still my favorite person in the world, Uzi.”
And the wall she’d just managed to build back up so carefully was shattered once more, emotions flooding out freely. The relief she felt was palpable and crushing, and so, so freeing.
Unlike the past hour or so, there were no tears this time. Heavy sobs wracked her body, hands trembling as she fell into N’s arms, but no tears slipped down her visor.
Her breathing was uneven and erratic, stopping and starting and catching over and over. His was slow, and calming. A deep, soothing rhythm she found herself trying to match. She wrapped her arms around his neck so tight it would suffocate any human, like if she let go, he might disappear forever. His hold was firm, but gentle, rubbing comforting patterns into her back with a few pats here and there when her hiccups grew particularly violent. She curled up as close to him as she could possibly get, turning her body into a tiny ball that made her feel safe. He paid this no mind, simply shifting to cradle her entirely in his lap, resting his head on her shoulder and tucking her away - as if he was attempting to shield her from the world at large.
Just like that, they stayed for who knows how long; Uzi, trying and failing to calm herself down, feelings running wild with guilt and relief and pain and love. N, inexplicably compassionate, silently listening and offering murmurs of encouragement as she fought the demons within her own mind.
By the time the moon rose above Copper 9, the bell had finally gone silent.