Chapter Text
Chapter one:
What cannot be undone, must be left behind.
Dr. Ryland Grace was my Ex-husband. He was a great man, kind, caring, thoughtful, smart.. everything and anything you’d ever want in a man. He loved me to bits and I loved him back just as much as he loved me.
Everything was perfect, all that you could ask for from one singular person. We lived together in a nice cozy apartment, it wasn’t huge, but it wasn’t tiny.. it was the perfect size to feel homey. He worked as a science primary school teacher. I was an Astrobiologist. He used to come home every day, sit on the sofa with me and describe his day, what his kids said to him to make him laugh, what he taught today, if he learned anything new (mostly slang from the kids), etc. it was the happiest I’ve been in a very, very long time. He brought the light back to my eyes, made me smile, a true genuine smile.. laugh as well. I’m pretty sure I did the same thing for him. Life was actually worth living when I was with Ryland Grace.
We never talked about our past, we didn’t feel the need to since it doesn’t define either of us. I briefly mentioned to him that my dad passed away at a young age and it was just me and my mum growing up.. then me and her ended up just growing apart and I cut her off after a fight. I didnt tell him my mum's name, i didnt need to since it wasn't that important.. And If I’m being honest.. I didn’t want him to know her. I didn't even want to know her most of the time. I never told her that I had gotten married, it was a private wedding. He was respectful of me not wanting everyone to know about it.
We had our honeymoon in the Maldives for a week in a little beach hut and we had the time of our lives, it was nice to get away. We never posted anything on social media as we viewed it as our own private, special moment and if we were honest the people who post their whole entire life stories on social media are just performative and lonely wanting attention. He accepted what I wanted and I was so truly grateful for it.
He mentioned he had a pretty standard upbringing, mum and dad were both present until they passed away. He had the picture perfect childhood you’d see in movies, he even had a golden retriever called Bailey until he also passed at the age of 12, he remembers being devastated. Hardly any fighting (of what he described) and frequent holidays. He told me that his mother always used to teach him respect for women, to never raise your hand towards them. I think that's partially why he grew up to be such a great man that he is today.
We rarely.. I mean rarely fully fought, there was only one time within 4 years where we screamed at each other until our throats were sore. We didn’t speak to each other for a week after that. It was genuinely the worst week of my life. He stayed in a hotel, I stayed at home, alone, and we just never saw each other.. never talked.. nothing.. for a whole week. I was in agony throughout it, my mind got to me as it always does, I thought he’d gone for good and it hurt to even think about that.. That i fucked up the only good thing that has happened in my life.
I finally got a text from him at 6 o’clock in the morning, apologising. I admitted to him how much it hurt to not have him around, the smile on his face after a good day at work, the way his eyes crease at the corners, his little smile lines, the way he pushed up his glasses as he read some science book, the strange way he put his glasses one one ear dangling around his neck when he wasn't using them, the way he talked about something he read online as we ate dinner on our little 2 seater table facing each other when it was dark out.. after that he came back and we spent hours on hours on end apologising to each other, time and time again.. And of course had a bit of makeup sex, which was great.
Everything was perfect. Then the call from my mother reopened old wounds I swore I'd sown shut. I should have ignored it, I was fine. Me and Ryland were doing perfectly in our little happy bubble. One conversation from her shouldn't have been enough to change the course of my life. By the time I hung up, I felt sixteen again instead of thirty-two, and for the first time in years I started building walls between myself and the people who loved me.. But that's not the worst part, I lied to Ryland. I told him about my mum and that I cut her off, yes.. But what I didn't tell him was that every few months she would call, leaving voice notes when I didn't answer, that I couldn't even listen to anymore.
I should have told him. I shouldn't have lied, I don't know why I even did it. I'd like to say it simply never came up. I'd like to believe that's all it was. But deep down I know the truth is a lot uglier than that. I was afraid, not of my mother, but from being vulnerable. Because vulnerable meant admitting after all these years, she still has the power to get inside of my head. It meant admitting that I wasn't as healed as I pretended to be.. And if i could hide that from myself, then hiding it from Ryland became a lot easier too.
The walls slowly went up after that, one missed conversion became two. Two became weeks of telling him I was fine when I wasn't. He kept reaching for me, and I kept taking a step back. He noticed how I was slowly putting more distance between us, missing calls from him, staying out at work longer, not eating as frequently anymore, he noticed it all. He asked me what's wrong. Again and again, and every time I told him the same thing.
“Nothing.”
A white lie.
He kept reaching for me, trying to pull me back. But I just kept giving him less and less to hold onto. No matter how hard he tried, I wouldn't let him prove me wrong.
And eventually, after months of silence, distance, and things left unsaid, we signed the papers.
The marriage didn't end because I stopped loving him.
It ended because I stopped believing I deserve to be loved the way Ryland Grace loves me.