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He opened his eyes only to squeeze them shut again. The light was brighter than he remembered. His eyes were used to being dulled down and looked through by someone else.
“Cas?”
His own voice sounded weird, lacking the deep, raspy tone his ears had gotten so familiar with by now. A low buzz at the back of his brain let him know the angel was there. Present, but not prominent.
“Where are we?”
~Galloway Forest~
It felt like a whisper, a fleeting thought at the back of your head. Any other would think they just recalled a fact from a long time ago, but Jimmy was used to the foreign feeling of someone else’s thoughts in his mind.
“And where is that…?”
Feeling slowly returned to his limbs. He was lying down onto what appeared to be grass. The light seemed to have a green tone to it. He couldn’t make out any shapes yet, but past experiences told him he just had to wait.
~Alba~
So he did. He closed his eyes and focused on the texture of the ground beneath his palms. Jimmy slowly curled and unfurled his fingers, settling back into his body.
~If I remember it correctly, you currently call it Scotland~
Jimmy opened his eyes again, trying to blink the slight headache away. “Scotland… right.”
Jimmy lifted himself up on his elbows. His muscles burned from using them again after solely being moved by a steady flow of Grace for months. A sharp pain shot through his chest. His hand clumsily collided with his ribs, touching the sore spot. A harsh “Damnit Cas!” escaped from between his teeth. A slight feeling of curiosity flowed through his head, and Jimmy could taste the question mark at the back of his throat.
~… What did I do?~
Jimmy chuckled softly, still holding his ribs. “Tell me Cas, how many ribs did we break this time?”
~Three, but… I healed them~
“I think you only fixed the fracture.”
With a slightly pained grunt, he sat up, one hand supporting his weight, the other one supporting his painful ribcage.
“You know, humans bruise as well. No, don’t.” Jimmy held up his hand to stop Cas's surge of Grace.
“Don’t waste your Grace on me. I won’t feel a thing when you take the wheel again anyway. Let me just… feel something right now.”
The numbness of being possessed had always been the most off-putting part. Seeing your own body, but not feeling it… Simple touches, handshakes, hugs, even punches or stabs... After a while you start to crave something, anything. Even if it is as damaging as a pair of broken ribs. Anything is better than nothing.
Jimmy slowly stood up, finally looking around. “Wow, you picked a really nice place this time, Cas.” Jimmy stumbled towards the highest point of the hill, looking over a clear lake. Large pine trees stood beside the edge of the hill, forming a natural canopy. The light, which had seemed overwhelmingly bright before, was filtering through the leaves over Jimmy’s head. He sank down next to a tree, leaning against the trunk.
~I’m glad you like it~
Jimmy tilted his face towards the sun and took a deep breath. The first one in a long time. His closed eyelids filtered the light to a warm orange. “I really like it, Cas. Don’t worry.” Jimmy allowed the sun to slowly warm up his body. Angels had the tendency to run cold when they weren’t actively maintaining their body warmth. After being numb for so long, the slight warmth was a nice change.
“Thanks Cas.” He whispered.
~What for?~
“This. Not a lot of angels would do this for their vessels. Thank you for giving me my freedom back now and then.” Jimmy said softly. “I feel like I don’t say it often enough.”
Jimmy felt a hesitated question float at the edges of his brain. “What is it, Cas?” He prompted, eyes still closed.
~I don’t think most angels know their vessel need it. I certainly didn’t know. You taught me a lot, James~
Jimmy grinned. “Okay, first of all, it’s Jimmy, you know that. And I don’t think I taught you anything, Cas. I was just a whiny little bitch until I got what I wanted.”
~That’s not true. You know that’s not true.~
Jimmy looked over the lake. “It’s a little true at least.” He frowned when a thought crossed his mind.
~When I realised you needed this?~ Cas finished the unspoken question. ~Probably when I left you for the first time after your possession. You got thrown back into the world, without much memories of what had happened in your absence. Things went wrong that day. Things that could have- should have been prevented. I realised keeping you sheltered was wrong.~
“It was the day you possessed Claire.”
~I had to do what was necessary at the time.~
“I know” Jimmy picked at the grass at his feet. “Doesn’t mean I liked it.” He felt a dryness in his throat that had nothing to do with thirst. “Hey Cas, could you leave my head for a minute? Don’t worry, I’ll let you back in.”
~Is it a personal space thing?~
“Yeah Cas, it is.”
~I’ll be nearby~
“I know”
The process of un-possession is anything but comfortable. Still, the few moments of complete privacy make it worth it. No second presence, no different set of conflicting emotions. Just blissful silence.
It’s been a while since Jimmy had thought about his family. Or about anything for that matter. Still, he could remember them as clear as day. Amelia’s smile, Claire’s bright blue eyes. His eyes, Amelia used to say. She had his eyes. ‘You’re doing it for them’ he told himself. God, the image of Claire, with the cold, dead eyes of an angel, Amelia’s face when she first opened the door, so scared to accept he was back, just to have him ripped away from them again.
What he wouldn’t give to hug his daughter again. Or maybe just see how they were doing. Without him. It wasn’t an option. He knew it wasn’t an option. Sam had been right that day. He could never be with his family. It was just putting them in danger. His hand unconsciously wondered to the spot on his stomach where he had been shot. He could still see his wife wearing the dead eyes of a demon, smoke from the barrel curling in front of her face.
He hadn’t realised he was crying till a single drop landed on the back of his hand. He looked up and made direct eye-contact with a nearby bird.
“That you, Cas?” The bird spread it’s white and black speckled wings and landed at his knees. It tilted it’s head and looked at him.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
“Gosh, Cas, she had the most beautiful smile.” Jimmy outstretched his hand to pet the birds feathers. “She had this hope, this unstoppable hope that things would work out. I just didn’t have that. But then she would smile, that small hopeful smile and nothing mattered anymore.”
Jimmy looked in the birds eyes.
“I’m not doing this for you Cas, or for Sam and Dean. I’m only doing it for that smile. Even if I’m not around to see it.”
Castiel had offered. One of the first times they actually spoke after the demons had possessed Amelia, Castiel had offered to take Jimmy to them. Just to watch. To see how they were doing.
Jimmy had refused. ‘If I won’t be able to talk to them, I'll just be torturing myself for no reason. I won’t risk bringing any potential danger their way.’
No, it was better this way. At least they would be safe. All there was left for jimmy was just, make the best of it. As long as he did this, at least his family would be safe. At least his daughter wouldn’t be the next vessel in line.
At least Amelia and Claire still had each other.
Jimmy looked out over the lake in front of him, Castiels feathers still beneath his fingertips. The sun reflected off of the clear water, making glistening patterns across the side of the shore.
“I haven’t made the best choices. But you know Cas? I would have done it all over again if it meant keeping them safe.”
Cas just tilted his head again. That. That right there. That's the lesson Jimmy got to teach.
Even without knowing it.
The stars above Galloway Forest were beautiful that night.