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Caedes sat in front of his husktop with his shoulders tight, and his brows knitted together tightly. He'd long ago forgotten what exactly he'd been looking up, and how eyes more rested on the screen than actually saw the contents of what he'd clicked on. He just shut his laptop and left it where it sat on the floor as he put his painted face in his hands.
He felt so guilty having these feelings. He hadn't known her very long, but she was so sweet, and just so fucking small. It started as just a strange friendship, but now it was deeper. Messiahs, he'd almost kissed her when she'd left his tent the day before. He was excited to see her again that day, but he knew he shouldn't be.
She was a yellow blood, tiny and excitable with a compassion that could fill the cosmos. It made him pity her so much he couldn't even conceive it, but it was wrong. She was so much lower on the spectrum than he was. Sure they were of similar age, but her life would be so much shorter than his.
Then there was the looming shadow of his ancestor’s actions that cast the greatest reason he shouldn't have these feelings. He'd made a personal vow to himself that he would never go down that same path. All he'd had before her was his faith, and after her, there would still be his faith. His ancestor had made the near fatal mistake of forgetting that. He had worked so hard to get where he was in the church, and if he was anything like The Exiled there was a very real possibility he'd give up his faith to protect her. The closer he got to her the less he liked to think about it.
Even without that, there was the ever-present tick of his biology. He was a highblood, a purple blood. He was dangerous. Everything about him was made to kill. It took a lot to get him that angry, but what if she couldn't calm him down? What if he ended up hurting her? What if-
“Cae-cae?”
He jumped at the sound of her voice and whipped around to look at the entrance. She was standing with the flap to his tent peeled back just slightly, and she had an armful of papers pulled tightly to her chest. Her brows were drawn up in concern, and when they made eye contact she quickly dropped her papers and started over to him.
He put up his hand to stop her, and she halted. The yellow blood frowned deeply at this, and she looked him over to make sure he wasn't hurt.
“Cae, what's wrong?” She drew her hands near her chest, shuffling anxiously in place.
He shook his head and pulled his knees up to his chest as he turned his head away from her so he could use his hair as a shield. He wrapped his arms around his knees as the silence pressed down on him, and then her gentle voice came again.
“Do you want to write it down?”
He shook his head quickly. His hands were shaking too much, and he didn't want her to know that. He knew it would only worry her more.
“Is it okay if we do yes and no questions?”
He thought on it for a while before he finally gave a small hesitant nod.
“Are you hurt?”
He should have known that would be the first question with how she'd been looking him over. He shook his head because even if his chest was tight he wasn't really hurt. Not physically.
“Did something happen?”
He could hear the concern rising in her voice, and he wanted to look over to make sure she was okay, but he knew that was his diamond talking. He needed to be strong for the both of them. He had to protect the both of them from his feelings. He shook his head.
“Are you mad at me?”
He felt like the breath had been knocked out of him, and he quickly turned to look at her. She must have taken the shock on his face the wrong way because he saw her draw her hands up near her chest and the frown that didn't belong there etched deeper into her features.
“If I did something I'm sorry. I know I'm not really good at the socializing thing, but I can tell it has something to do with me.”
He quickly shook his head and started to half get up. She looked up, and his chest squeezed tightly as he kept shaking his head. It wasn't her. He could never blame her for being the way she was.
She was quiet for a long time as she looked down at her cloth shoes.
“Is it okay if I come over there?”
He hesitated before he sat down again. He chewed on his lower lip nervously before he nodded. He knew he shouldn't have, but he couldn’t stand to see her curling into herself the way she had been. He heard the soft sound of paper rustling, and then she shuffled over before plopping down beside him.
She set a few papers in front of her, and she pulled out her crayons before setting the box neatly beside the stack of blank sheets. She looked up at him, and she couldn't get him to quite meet her eye.
“Do you want me to just sit here for a while?”
He looked down at the blank pages before he gave a bit of a nod. He watched as she picked up the box of crayons and folded back the lid. She chose a few colors, and she began carefully putting lines on the page. He watched her work for a while, and it was hypnotizing. It calmed the shaking in his hands as well as the tightness in his chest. Finally, he reached out, and he put a hand over the fingers that held the paper steady. The crayon stopped moving as she looked up at him uncertainly.
He made a small motion like he was writing, and she pulled a piece of paper from the bottom of the pile. She handed it to him before she found the purple he usually used, and she gave it to him as well.
Why did y0u think I was mad at y0u?
She waited patiently for him to turn the paper towards her, and when he did she frowned before dipping her head down a little.
“The last few times we've been hanging out I keep catching you looking at me like it hurts you to see me. I thought I did something.”
Caedes frowned, and he shook his head before he went back to writing.
N0, y0u didn't d0 anything.
He paused before he took a deep shaky breath, and he could feel her gaze on him. He felt self-conscious and afraid all at once because he knew he had to tell her, but he was scared of what this meant for their friendship. What it meant for their future, and more specifically his bloodline.
He felt his breath get shakier, and his vision blurred with tears before he wiped at them furiously.
“Cae-cae?” She scooted a little closer to him, and he sniffled as he tried to clear his vision enough to keep writing.
I have feelings f0r y0u that I sh0uldn’t have.
“What kind of feelings?”
He hesitated before he set down the crayon, and she grew a little confused. She was just about to ask if he wanted to keep going when she heard him sniffle, and he made a diamond with his fingers.
“So you're feeling pale?” She tilted her hand and looked between him and the sign he was making.
He nodded, and he lowered his hands to his lap. He curled his fingers tightly in the material of his pants, and his breath quaked a little.
“What’s wrong with that?”
He picked up the crayon as he caught a few more purple tears on the back of his hand. She reached up to try and help him but hesitated when he went back to writing.
Y0u’re a l0wbl00d.
“Yeah, and my kismesis is a boulder.”
He smiled a little at that before he took a deep breath. He felt her hand touch the side of his face, and he looked up startled. She picked up the edge of her poncho and dabbed at his cheek lightly, but she was careful of the paint he was so prideful of.
“So what if you pity me? Maybe I pity you a little too. What’s wrong with having these feelings?”
Caedes opened his eyes, and he glanced down at the small yellow blood beside him. He reached up and gently wrapped his fingers around her tiny hand. She smiled gently up at him, and he released her hand so he could continue writing.
It’s danger0us. There’s a displacement 0f p0wer. I’m a purple bl00d, Taquit0. What if I g0t t00 angry and y0u c0uldn’t calm me d0wn. What if I l0se my mind, and I try t0 hurt y0u. I w0uldn’t kn0w what t0 d0 with myself if I hurt y0u. I ca-
His writing started to become too illegible as the shaking went back into his hands, and he lowered his head as a gasping sob left him. He felt her fingers find his hand again, and he bit hard into his lower lip to silence the whimper that wanted to leave him. He heard her hush him softly, and her warm palm guided his head to her shoulder.
She ran her fingers through his hair and began quietly shooshing him as his arms wrapped around her. They held each other as Tkiddo gently rocked them from side to side, and she hummed one of the few songs she knew from his favorite musical until he started to calm down. He sniffled quietly against her shoulder, and she cupped his face in her hands to lift the blubbering mess into view.
“Now you listen here, mister parachute pants.” She waited until he finally met her gaze. “I strife daily with a matted fur beast and I’m not dumb. I know when something is too dangerous for me to handle, and you...” she paused to poke the tip of his nose with her forefinger. “Aren’t one of those things.”
Caedes crossed his eyes a little before managing a small sad smile, and she offered him a look of reassurance when he focused his gaze on her again. He searched her gaze, and there was a definite resilience there that finally had his shoulders sagging. He sniffled softly before he gave a little nod, and he picked up the crayon again.
Just pr0mise y0u’ll leave if I ever d0 get t00 danger0us.
She pouted a little at that before she gave a tiny sigh of defeat. She raised two fingers in the shape of a V, and she pointed them at him. He looked down at her hand before he smiled softly and mimicked her action before pressing their fingertips together to form the shape of a diamond.
“I promise.”