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Kim Dokja thinks too much.
He was a reader at birth so it only was natural for him to have a big imagination.
At first it might seem like a positive trait. When you are a kid all you can think about are flowers and rainbows, at least that’s how it is supposed to be like.
Maybe it was because his childhood was kinda different from the other kids’, but he used his imagination to think about the worst case scenario.
‘If he hits me too hard I might lose my memory’
And he would start writing on a piece of paper the most important information about him, then he’d put it in the closet. If he ever lost his memory, then he would be fine. There wasn’t much to remember to begin with.
‘If mom dies i’ll starve to death’
So he’d innocently ask his mom the recipes to make her delicious food. What seemed to be an innocent child-like question held a much deeper meaning, yet Kim Dokja always managed to hide it.
Good, now even if his mother died he would both know how to cook and he would also not forget the taste of the food she makes. Just in case he lost the paper with the recipe, at night he would study it, repeating each word almost like a prayer.
But that was simply the start.
If anybody realized just what a pathetic excuse of a person he is— what would he do?
The world got much more cruel, the worst case scenarios became countless, yet Kim Dokja never stopped imagining them. He never stopped thinking about those small choices in life that would completely change the future.
Small actions that others deem useless, maybe a waste of time. But still choices you make— choices that affect everything about your present self.
And maybe it’s because he was born a reader, maybe it’s because he thought more than others— maybe that’s why he is now writing paper after paper.
The constellations always wondered what he would write so reverently at night, not stopping to even catch a breather.
He went as far as to buy ‘Lost Earring’
Its name was common, too common for the world they were now living in. But it was incredibly powerful.
The owner of the lost earring was Kubera, the god of wealth— he who protects everybody’s wealth, lost his own. His priceless earring fell from the skies to the earth.
It wasn’t made of gold nor rare gems. It didn’t even shine! It was covered in an ugly shade of brown— so the humans failed to recognize its worth. Millions passed by it and none spared it a second glance. It remained unnoticed for ages.
So what’s the purpose of this item? It simply changes the appearance of an object. It couldn’t completely change its form or use— but that was enough for Kim Dokja
He’d make it look like a book containing the answers to the end of the scenarios to the Star Stream so it would automatically censor it, while to trick his friends he’d make it look like an old korean dictionary.
[The constellation ‘Queen Of The Darkest Spring’ wonders about the papers you write everyday.]
[A constellation who likes to change gender wonders if it’s a dark romance novel]
[The constellation ‘Secretive Plotter’ scoffs at a constellation who likes to change gender’s question]
[Many constellations are curious about your activities]
Usually Kim Dokja would at least read the messages and react.
A teasing, sassy or sarcastic remark. It didn’t quite matter what— he usually answered.
But while writing he never paid them any attention. He didn’t spare them a glance— too engrossed in whatever he was doing.
[Many constellations feel frustrated at the incarnation ‘Kim Dokja’s silence]
[500 coins have been sponsored]
And soon enough, seeing how he did nothing at all other than writing, the constellations started to lose interest— as they grew bored they decided to take a look at the other incarnations.
And as it became routine they wouldn’t even bother to check if he would do something different. When the time came he sat at his desk and the constellations would say goodbye and go watch another incarnation.
But what was Kim Dokja writing exactly?
Well to get the answer we actually need to look a bit in the past.
A few months before, while he was reading TWSA in the middle of the night a thought crossed his mind.
—What if one day I actually die?
He had never thought about that.
It felt like the world had suddenly tilted on its own axis, it wasn’t the idea of him dying— he had accepted the concept of death a long time ago…
It was his friends. There were countless scenarios where the risk of them dying was elevated due to traps, overpowered monsters and unexpected outcomes.
Yoo Joonghyuk’s knowledge was also very limited. So he couldn’t just take for granted that he would be able to lead them properly. After all it was just his 3rd regression, not nearly enough to avoid all the paths leading to death.
If he died… they wouldn’t survive for much. They would find it pretty difficult to go on.
—What should I do…?
He unconsciously mumbled to himself.
—What should you do about what?
Suddenly asked Han Sooyoung, taking him out of his trance. She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head to one side with a smug look of arrogance. Her tone sharp as a razor.
‘I probably zoned out for a long time. And who knows, I might’ve also been mumbling strange things…’
—Lately you’ve been looking like a fish out of water, you’re already ugly, how much more do you intend to embrace your squid nature?
The anxiety suddenly eased— quickly replaced by a surge of annoyance
The corners of his lips rose forcefully as he furrowed his eyebrows menacingly.
—You should consider yourself lucky that you are a woman
—Uh, why?
One corner of his mouth twitched ‘Is she slow or is she acting dumb?’
That confident look in her eyes suggested him that it was the latter, but he still decided to grace her with an answer
—Because I’m a gentleman, I don’t hit women
She looked at him with a deadpan face at first— then it transformed into a fit of snickering and hysterical laughter.
‘Yes, go on. embrace the madwoman you truly are.’
He hoped that his thoughts would somehow reach her— maybe through his completely strained expression. Han Sooyoung, being the very observant person she is, continued laughing like choking chicken.
‘Guess I’m asking for too much.’
As much as this interaction had helped lighten his mood, it didn’t tear him away from the bubble he had created around himself. He needed to think about a way to help them in the future, even while dead.
Not like he had any intention of leaving them behind, but nothing in that world was certain.
And so wasn’t his survival.
He would love to confidently say that whatever life throws at him, he would live— but he knew the reality of the scenarios all too well.
One day death might be a billion steps away, the next it might be right behind your back. It doesn’t hit when you expect it.
No— It comes right after you gain hope.
It doesn’t matter what kind of hope
Sensing your bloom, life will naturally try to crush you.
—and who can crush hope better than anyone else, if not death itself?
Kim Dokja wished he could calmly think about it like he was doing now— like it didn’t matter one bit, but it was simply because he was in broad daylight. Surrounded by everyone.
At night he’d be alone. Even the constellations left knowing that it was time for him to start writing.
For once he looked in the mirror of the bathroom only to see the reflection of a miserable man staring back at him. Maybe he was just too emotional, but suddenly every possible death scenario of his companions weighed him down.
It didn’t happen yet and maybe it never will— so why could he already feel the warm blood of his companions on the tip of his fingers?
His jaw clenched unusually tight.
His head was heavy with those thoughts making him panic terribly.
He could feel the heat rising to his face claiming every inch of his skin— stinging nose, trembling hands, ragged breath, blurry sigh-
[Pa n ic a tt a c k]
—Shut up
He said as he rested his head in his hand. He felt like a damn psycho.
The more he thought, the more his mind fell into a deep state of panic.
The line between his imagination and reality blurred at night.
His mind was just like the ocean, in the morning it’s refreshing to look at. So clear and beautiful… a sight that makes you feel grateful for being alive.
But the moment the night falls upon the world, nothing is scarier than the pitch black sea water— it could eat anything up without leaving a single trace. Truly terrifying.
Looking at it directly might get you in a trance, you gotta be careful because when you finally notice that you’re one breath away from drowining— it will be way too late for you.
He splashed some cold water on his face in hopes it would keep him from completely losing himself in the pitch dark storm of his thoughts. He of course ignored how his legs were turning into jelly, barely holding his own weight.
And after another bad-ending, he had enough. He decided to just write it all down.
He would write down every probability, every scenario. And at last he would prepare files for each of his friends.
He would write comforting words for them in case they didn’t feel enough. He would hype them up if their self-esteem was too low. He would encourage their growth and give them steady support even after his passing.
So he started writing. He wrote page after page.
He thought about the options and the statistics in the morning— then at night he’d write them down.
His back would hurt, his hand was always stained with ink and numb, he was always tired.
Yet he never complained— he didn’t dare to.
Because this was truly nothing compared to their survival
He never relaxed, he never slacked off. Be it day or night he worked his ass off.
His friends had of course noticed how Kim Dokja looked paler than usual, how his eyebags worsened by the day— but he always dismissed their worries as ‘overthinking’
After 5 months he had finally ‘finished’.
He finally wrote every file, each one with the name of his friends on them. The room was a mess of torn papers with mind wracking formulas. Hurried handwriting and literal meltdowns written on paper.
During the process of this ‘project’ he had probably broken a year’s worth of pens in frustration.
Sometimes he overrated his stamina and underestimated sleeping. This caused him to literally sleep wherever and whenever he felt relaxed.
After finishing he didn’t quite feel any sense of accomplishment. He didn’t feel the tiniest bit relaxed. No he felt only more anxious— time was never enough.
Whenever he entered in a particularly hard scenario the first thing he thought was
—”If I die tonight they should be able to go on for at least XX more scenarios..”
An odd thought. Because even if he wrote all that, he wasn’t god. He couldn’t predict the future, yes he had TWSA, but it had already been proven that his actions had changed the flow of the story, he knew more than anyone else what the world of TWSA was capable of doing.
Yoo Joonghyuk who repeated life after life, reached his 1863rd regression. That was the proof itself of how unpredictable the scenarios were.
kinda melodramatic if he had to be honest.
But maybe that was why he could never afford to fully relax. Because he knew whatever he did, there would always be a slip. There would always be something that goes out of his expectations.
And once again, at night, he found himself being restless. Too immersed in the despair of hypothetical scenarios. Too emotionally immersed to not care.
Others might even describe him as empathetic… But then again, he wasn’t. In the early scenarios he could’ve saved everyone, yet he chose not to.
He scoffed
—They know nothing… empathetic, uh?
He couldn’t help but laugh. A sound sweet and genuine, but perhaps it was the sign that he was completely out of it.
—Shit.. My head’s gonna melt
Hell if he was out of it. He had a migraine, being too fully emotionally present in your imagination could really drain the will to live out of you.
He was… tired. He could feel it deep in his bones a numb ache he had grown familiar with in the last few months
“If you are tired why won’t you just sleep?”
A classic. Could his own mind get any more boring?
The answer was right under anybody’s nose. He was too worried about the future to sleep. What if that day was the last one where he had the possibility of thinking it through?
Maybe the next day the unthinkable would happen.
For all he knew— the next day the sky could split open
‘Am I actually high?’
Why didn’t they create a world where no one dies?
Kim Dokja knew the answer— eternal rest was way better than a meaningless existence, yet he couldn’t help but keep asking this question. His thoughts were more messed up than usual.
If only he didn’t feel the need to find an answer to all of his questions then maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation.
‘Well, too late’
—I should get some fresh air… If I continue like this I’ll go insane.
A soft sigh escaped his lips as he rubbed his eyes. His legs worked on autopilot— until he finally reached the rooftop.
When he pushed the door open a cold breeze hit his overheating skin, making him momentarily shiver from the cold. He then sat on the floor and simply looked at the sky.
Once again various thoughts passed through his mind
—Pfft-
He snickered and fully laid down on his back, with his hands he held his head tightly.
Then he closed his eyes and just let his arms fall.
He was too exhausted to even sense the gloomy presence looming over him. Only when a pair of hands wrapped around his waist and picked him up like a stray cat did he notice the other man
—Yoo Joonghyuk?! What are you doing…?
Soon enough he was on Yoo Joonghyuk’s shoulder— treated no better than a sack of potatoes.
—Hey! Let me down you jerk! What has gotten into you???
—Silence.
His voice was hoarse— it was more of a growl than an actual human voice. It sounded strained as if he was holding back something much worse.
‘Kill me’ thought Kim Dokja as he gave up on fighting
The bear had won.
.
.
.
Finally they seemed to have reached the final destination. Yoo Joonghyuk carefully put him down. Kim Dokja scoffed at the sudden gentleness. Because earlier he saw none.
But soon his sassy thoughts died down the moment he looked around him.
Yoo Joonghyuk, Lee Jihye, Jung Heewon, Yoo Sangah, Lee Hyungsung and Han Sooyoung were all looking at him with a terrifying seriousness that made his throat go dry.
With the shock a sudden dizziness had also hit him— he had to admit that in the last months he hadn’t even tried to keep a healthy routine.
Lee Jihye could barely hold herself from jumping at him, let alone her expression— her eyebrows were painfully furrowed together, her lips flexed in a deep frown and a glare with mixed feelings.
Betrayal?
Concern?
He really couldn’t tell.
The others had similar expressions which wasn’t really a good sign. If even Yoo Sangah and Lee Hyungsung wore those hurt expressions he couldn’t even imagine what he had done this time.
—What happened this time…?
Jung Heewon was the first to speak— her voice like a raging storm
—Just how long were you planning to hide this from us?!
She said through clenched teeth, her hands tightening in tight fists. When Kim Dokja looked at those fierce, clear eyes of hers he almost felt vulnerable under her gaze.
He had absolutely no idea what she meant.
—What do you..-
Before he could even finish his sentence he heard a loud crash behind him, when he looked back to see what it was, he saw an object he was too familiar with— the files he had so carefully prepared in the last months.
—I’m disappointed, you could have a little more faith in us you know, asshole?
Said Han Sooyoung in a flat tone as she crossed her arms and stared straight at Kim Dokja’s soul with those narrowed calm eyes— but Kim Dokja could see straight past the farce.
The way she was tapping her foot anxiously in rhythm with her finger was a clear sign of uncertainty
—I wrote it just in case-
Once again his weak attempts to justify himself were interrupted.
—Just in case?! You wrote hundreds of pages! And in each fucking scenario you aren’t there
Lee Jihye’s voice echoed through the empty room, she held him by the collar and no one stopped her, not even himself.
Her hold was weak— her fingers trembled as she looked down to hide just how much this affected her
Kim Dokja’s heart broke at the sight, he had only wished to protect them no matter the circumstance. He had never meant to hurt them like this
[Yo u hu rt th em ag ai n]
‘...’ As Kim Dokja gently held Lee Jihye he stared at the message with unusual intensity. A lump formed in his throat— his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed his own saliva.
‘I don’t want to be here’
He opened his mouth multiple times, but no sound came out.
No explanations came to mind.
No way to make this better
He then raised Lee Jihye’s chin and just as he had predicted she was crying.
With a newfound carelessness he wiped her tears.
—If anyone saw you like this they’d think that I’m currently on death’s door
He chuckled softly, praying to the gods that it sounded genuine enough.
—I’m right here. I’m alive and well, so no more crying. Promise?
Lee Jihye’s frown only deepened.
—Ahjusshi…. hic... you’re such a bastard… sob
Mumbled weakly Lee Jihye before hugging Kim Dokja tightly. Kim Dokja didn’t answer and simply held her— patting her back and simply… stayed
Later Lee Jihye left with Yoo Sangah and Lee Hyungsung to calm down. Meanwhile Kim Dokja was left to deal with the most difficult people of the group.
Yoo Joonghyuk carving holes at the back of his head since earlier, Han Sooyoung kept glaring at him with that stern/irritated gaze and Jung Heewon looked seconds away from snapping his neck.
‘Well, won't you look at that? Just a ray of sunshine…’
—Well? Anything to say for yourself or the fact that you are planning to die?
Said Jung Heewon sharply.
—I’m not planning to die!
—Well then why did you write all this?!
Unlike before, Kim Dokja’s heart was beating loudly in his ears— the ringing in his ears was deafening. This was stressing him out— no he genuinely felt sick.
—Kim Dokja…?
Suddenly Han Sooyoung sat up straight and called his name breathlessly.
Her voice suddenly sounded distant.
Strange.
She was standing right in front of him.
Why did she sound so far away?
Was it because of the sudden high tension? Or was it his body that had reached its limit?
He didn’t know. What he did know was that he felt lightheaded and that his friend’s voices were slowly getting farther and farther away. His every limb felt heavy— even the words he was trying to say, rolled heavy on his tongue.
He was pretty sure he was talking pretty slow— based on his friend’s reaction he could guess he was in pretty bad shape.
‘Uh… why is the room suddenly tilting…?’
—Kim Dokja!!!
Before he knew it the three of them surrounded him in panic. Someone was trying to talk to him, another had pressed the back of their hand on his forehead and the last one held his body carefully.
Only then did he realize he was on the floor. He felt his consciousness slipping away and even though his sight was blurry and he couldn’t quite make out his friends’ faces, he already knew what expressions they wore
He wanted to reassure them, even if only a little.
He was going to be fine either way, his body was simply drained.
He just… needed to let his friends know.
—I…I’ll
Talking was harder than he had expected so he frowned.
—be… f.. fine.
And for some reason, as darkness took over he felt that their voices only got louder when he said that.