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“What is kohlinar?” Kirk asked, getting comfortable on Selek’s furniture. Spock and Kirk both took time to visit the old Vulcan on one of their visits to New Vulcan. Once Kirk found out that Spock knew about his older self Kirk found it irresistible to spend time with both old friend and new. It was interesting to the human to see the resemblance and the differences between the two.
“Kohlinar?” Selek asked with a raised eyebrow. “What brings that up?”
“Just something left over from your meld with me back on Delta Vega… you sought Kohlinar?” Kirk asked airily. Spock tilted his head in surprise, regarding his elder self and Kirk took note of it.
“I did.” Selek replied.
“Why?”
“That is a personal question.”
Kirk flushed a moment. “I think we are way past personal questions, my friend… after what I saw in your mind…”
Selek cast a glance at his younger self as if weighing the options. “Very well… I was conflicted.”
“Conflicted?”
“Yes… After losing T’Pring my soul cried out for another. One it would have been inappropriate for me to pursue.”
“Why was that?” Kirk sat up straighter.
“We were colleagues. I did not believe my attachment to them was appropriate.”
“Who was it?” Spock finally spoke up.
Selek shook his head. “That future is not yet written for you. You are free to choose your own path. Whom I attached myself to may not be the one you need.”
“Do I serve with them?”
“You do.” Selek replied.
Kirk stared at the ground during the exchange, his cheeks flushing and not because of the heat of the planet. Was Selek really telling Spock that he didn’t need to seek out the same mate Selek had taken? “But… what about the one you chose? Don’t they have any say in this?”
“What do you mean, Captain?” Spock asked.
“I mean if Selek was drawn to this person and they were drawn to Selek… wouldn’t it stand to reason that in this life that person would have the same feelings?”
“This is not about feelings.” Spock replied offhand.
“My younger self should be free to choose his own path.” Selek stated giving Kirk a look. “I should not interfere… he must find his path on his own.”
Kirk stood, unable to contain his emotions. “Well… gee… that’s just great. Let me know who it is, Spock, and I’ll dance at your wedding.” With each passing moment he grew more agitated, hurt. Once again he was being abandoned.
“Captain… Vulcans do not dance at weddings.” Spock stated.
Kirk raised his hands in mock explosion and left the room, slamming the door behind him as he left Selek’s house. Really he knew he was being a rude houseguest but he really didn’t care.
The meld on Delta Vega had shown him so much… a life together with a Vulcan who loved his other self. What was wrong with him in this reality that the elder should warn Spock to go look for someone else? It wasn’t fair.
The past year serving together Kirk and Spock had grown together as friends. They had their occasional fights but they were the best command team in the ‘fleet. Kirk had tried hard to become the man Selek hinted he could be… but with one difference. He knew that the old Vulcan and his other self had been bondmates… that it bothered Old Spock when his Jim Kirk would casually sleep around early in their career together. So this Jim Kirk made the decision to focus on his career instead of his dick. In this reality James T. Kirk was celibate. And it was really difficult after spending a decade perfecting the ol’ Kirk charm. People wanted to sleep with him but he turned them down gently.
Of course this Spock was dating a certain Uhura… or at least they seemed to be. Kirk didn’t pry and Spock never volunteered but he had often seen them together.
This meant he was alone. On the ice planet he had seen the possibility of a life in such a perfect love… but it seemed that was impossible in this life. Selek’s words had been like a betrayal… taking from him his one hope.
Wandering through the streets he must have looked foolish. Vulcans gave him a wide berth and looked at him in a somewhat condescending way for his emotional upheaval. Well… fuck them… and both Spocks too. He didn’t need love. The past 27 years had been fine without it, thank you. He could be loveless… unfeeling… uncaring. Hell, he could be VULCAN if he really wanted to. The more he thought about it the more he imagined that he could be a damn good apprentice to Kohlinar… he could finish what Old Spock started in an alternate reality.
Footsteps led him to Sarek’s house and he opened the door. Both he and Spock were staying with Spock’s father.
“You have returned earlier than expected.” Sarek stated as he stood to greet the captain.
“I’m sorry… yes. I got a little tired. Spock is still with Selek.” Kirk lied.
Sarek nodded. “Your body is not used to this climate. It can be tiring. My wife had the same trouble when she came to Vulcan.”
Kirk felt a little bad about lying. “Can you tell me about Kohlinar?”
“Kohlinar? What is it you wish to know?”
“Can a non-Vulcan study it?”
Sarek raised an eyebrow. “James Kirk, years of living with a human mate taught me that no matter how dedicated a human may be to our ways, they cannot function without emotion. It is what it is to be human.”
Kirk bowed his head and sighed. “How about dealing with a broken heart… do you have any remedies for that?”
“Tea. Come, I shall prepare you some tea… and then rest.”
Kirk drank his tea and then went to the guestroom to sleep. Spock had not returned by the time he went to bed but the tea helped soothe his mind so he could fall asleep.
^.~
Dawn slowly broke across the rock garden, illuminating one lone, naked Vulcan in meditation. Despite the warmth of the morning air he trembled and occasionally shivered. But he bowed his head to his task, greeting the dawn for the last time.
^.~
Kirk woke, unable to sleep for long. It seemed the household was silent. Getting dressed he left the guestroom and headed out into the courtyard of the clan commune. It wasn’t really a commune, but Kirk couldn’t help but think about similar group living on Earth. This like those was all family. With the destruction of Vulcan many clans came together to support each other.
There was a path off from the courtyard and Kirk followed it to a rock garden. In the middle of the garden sat a Vulcan. Kirk stopped, suddenly aware that he may have stumbled onto someone’s meditation time. “Sorry…” But then he noticed the cast aside robe on the ground, looking as if it had been hastily thrown aside… not typical Vulcan behavior. Kirk edged closer and recognized the Vulcan as Spock’s cousin (or brother-son as Sarek had introduced him), Stonn.
Stonn stared at Kirk, his eyes alight in the early morning. “I burn.”
“Umm…” Kirk replied, knowing he had heard a similar phrase before in what seemed like another life. “You… burn?”
“The fires will consume me.” Stonn replied. “She who would be my mate will not come. Our bond was severed.”
Kirk took a step back, remembering what he had learned from his meld on Delta Vega. Stonn had to be in Pon Farr. Panicking for a moment, Kirk looked back the way he had come. Surely someone would know how to handle Stonn’s condition. The past year the healers had their hands full, working with all the broken bonds from the surviving Vulcans. Why wasn’t one here with Stonn?
“Hold on a sec…”
Stonn scrambled to his feet, his genitals swollen with need, dripping what had to be natural lubrication. The details of Vulcan anatomy were a little vague in Kirk’s mind, but he could tell when someone was sexually excited. “I burn.”
“I know, but hold on! I’ll go get your uncle, Sarek.”
“I cannot have my clansman, my father-brother!”
“I didn’t mean it like that… but he’ll know what to do.”
But Stonn caught Kirk by his t-shirt. “You will stand in place of my mate.” The shirt was cast aside.
“Hey! Wait!” Kirk raised his hands in protest. “Let me go get some help.”
At that moment Sarek appeared. An eyebrow was raised as he assessed the situation of what looked to be his nephew attempting to undress his guest.
“Sarek! Sarek, help! Stonn is in Pon Farr! We need to get a healer for him.”
“My brother-son, why did you not tell me?” Sarek asked.
“I did not know.” Stonn replied. “Clansman… help me.”
“Captain Kirk… I will summon the healer but I need you to do something for Stonn.”
“What?” Kirk asked.
“Stand in for his mate.”
Kirk took a step back. “You want me to be his bondmate?”
“No. In olden times the first wave of plak tow could be sated by a slave. A healer can aid him between the first wave and the second.”
Kirk looked at the flushed Vulcan beside him. “I guess… I have to.”
“Please help him through his first wave. I will return shortly with a healer.”
Kirk nodded and watched Sarek hurry away. Turning to Stonn he gave the Vulcan a critical glance. “I guess it’s just you and me. Should we find a room?”
“I cannot wait.” Stonn closed the distance between them, sniffing Kirk’s skin, his hands trying to make sense of the human’s pant closures.
“Here… I’ve got it.” Kirk undid his pants and stepped out of them, feeling very exposed and raw out in the open. Really he didn’t have much time to think about it before a dense body pushed him to the ground, attempting to open Kirk’s legs. “Hey! Wait!”
It had been over a year since Kirk’s last sexual encounter, a couple of years since his last encounter with a male. Never had he imagined it would end under a Vulcan in heat… at least not THIS Vulcan in heat. Face to face was not something he wanted to share with anyone else so he desperately attempted to roll over. Stonn seemed to allow it and held back until he had managed to get his knees under him… then the penetration.
Kirk cried out, unable to stifle the surprise and being so thoroughly filled without any preparation. Luckily for him the lubrication made things easier, but it was still a shock to the system. Resting his head on his arms he opened his legs wider, feeling the body behind him pound into him over and over.
With the first pause and flood of semen, Kirk wondered what it would be like if he were to share the same experience with Spock? For one thing he certainly wouldn’t be on his knees. He would wrap his arms and legs around his first officer, holding him close. But he couldn’t entertain the idea for long. For one Spock may very well choose someone else. Secondly this was about Stonn and his survival, not Kirk’s needs.
Another flood filled the human, followed by another. Several passed with ever frantic rutting in between until finally Stonn leaned heavily into Kirk’s back, pressing him into the rocks. For a moment Kirk struggled but he was too exhausted to dislodge the Vulcan. Feet approached, scattering small rocks and Stonn’s weight was lifted. Kirk panted, aching, oozing and possibly bleeding. The feet departed and there was silence in the morning lit garden. The sun was up and beginning to turn the human’s skin pink. Kirk wondered how long he could just lie there, basking. Would anyone take notice of a naked, bruised and bloody human in a rock garden? Another pair of feet approached and strong arms picked him up, cradling him like a child. The human didn’t even have the energy to open his eyes but he knew he was being carried indoors. Then the world went dark.
^.~
When James Kirk awoke he found himself in the guestroom at Sarek’s house. A blanket was tucked up under his chin and he was naked beneath it. Something moved at his side and he looked to the desk where Spock sat, setting down a PADD.
“That was a very foolish thing to do.” Spock admonished. “Stonn is a full blooded Vulcan. He could have killed you.”
“If I hadn’t done it he would have died.” Kirk replied, staring up at the ceiling. “I was the only one around that could help him.”
“Yes, my father is grateful for your assistance.” Spock nodded his head to the side. “But I wish you had more thought to your actions. You were injured internally. You have been healed but it could have been worse had he not held back.”
“What do you care?” Kirk whispered wearily, closing his eyes, suddenly exhausted.
“You are my commanding officer. It is my duty to protect you.” Indignant, Spock rose from the chair he had been seated upon.
“This is hardly a mission with dangerous aliens. We’re both on leave.”
“Clearly you underestimate the danger of the activity you were involved in.”
Kirk opened an eye, glaring at his first officer. “On the contrary I had a pretty good idea what was going on. The whole ‘I burn’ thing gave it away. I already know about Pon Farr.”
Spock stared back at his captain, flushing faintly green with embarrassment. “How can you know?”
“I just do. It would have been fine if I hadn’t been celibate for the past year. I would have been loose enough to accommodate his needs. But you can hardly fault Stonn for that. Clearly I was foolish to deny myself anal sex for so long.”
Spock stared at Kirk for a long moment. “My older self told you.”
Kirk grunted and rolled over in bed, facing away from Spock. “He didn’t ‘tell’ me anything.”
“Then how do you know?”
Kirk remained silent, annoyed that memories from his meld with the elder Spock came to bite him on the ass.
“You… saw it in the meld with my counterpart. He showed you that? That is a very private moment between bondmates. Why would he show you that?”
Kirk held his tongue, unwilling or unable to reply.
“Because it was you. You were there with him when he… His bondmate is the other James Kirk.”
Kirk heard Spock fall into the chair. “Yeah… well… That James Kirk died. Selek has survived fine for the past 100 years without him. It seems he’s just as forgettable as I am.”
“Do not say such things!” Spock snapped. “A bondmate is never forgotten.”
Kirk looked back over his shoulder. “I don’t believe you. People are easily cast aside or forgotten. And what does it matter? My alternate self had been loved while he lived… Our lives are very different. He had a father… a mother… a mate. He was needed. Then he died and he was forgotten… so much so it doesn’t matter that I am him. Selek would rather live on his own than claim me again. He doesn’t want me.” Kirk curled up tighter.
“But why would you want him to claim you?”
“Because I REMEMBER what they had together. I will never have that and it hurts.”
Both were silent. Kirk shut his eyes tightly, trying to keep the pain from closing his throat.
“You want him.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement that hung solidly between them.
“I wish… I wish I had never known about the other James Kirk… known what he had… received memories of his face as they made love… felt his joy at being in his Spock’s arms. I wish I could forget. The pain… It’s like I’m missing a part of myself. The other half of my soul doesn’t want me. That sounds stupid, doesn’t it? But that’s why I’ve been so alone my whole life… God, I sound so pathetic… No wonder he doesn’t want me.” Sitting up, Kirk swung his legs out of the bed, uncaring that he was naked.
“Where are you going?”
“To the head. I have to pee.” Stumbling, Kirk made it to the connected restroom. Standing before the sink he stared at himself, still faintly bruised from having his face shoved into the rocks but healing. His ass ached but it was manageable. It brought back the reckless days of the previous years, trying to fill the emptiness in his soul with a parade of partners both male and female that passed through his life. There had been a few nights where he had been passed from partner to partner, uncaring who took him or how… just aching for the void to be filled. He would wake in the morning with a sore ass and try again later that night.
But after Delta Vega he stopped… cold turkey. It had been a mistake. His body should have been able to handle Stonn easily. His soul should still be looking for the one to fill the void instead of hoping for the attention of a certain Vulcan. There was no hope. Sure, he didn’t believe in ‘no win’ situations but sometimes you had to know when to let go. Poker taught him that.
Splashing water on his face he made his way back into the bedroom, not looking at Spock as he crawled back into bed.
“My father informs me that Stonn will survive and will be matched for his next time.”
“That’s nice…” Kirk muttered, pulling the blanket back up to his chin.
“I am still without a match…”
Kirk stared up at the ceiling. “What about Uhura?”
There was silence in response. For a moment Kirk imagined that Spock had simply disappeared out of the room, but he could see the Vulcan out of the corner of his eye. “You have been under the impression that I am still with Nyota…”
“You’re not?”
“That is why you stated you would dance at my wedding. You thought I would mate Nyota.”
“Selek DID say you had to choose your own path. I would assume that meant with anyone but the person he chose. I thought you were still dating Uhura. That would make her the ideal candidate. Besides… she’s not broken like I am.”
“You are broken because you are alone.”
“Yeah? Well… That’s nothing new. I’ll always be alone. That’s just my state of being.”
“Your alternate was not alone.”
“Well… he’s also DEAD.”
Spock was silent again, drawing deep breaths as if to control his temper. Kirk knew his responses were pushing buttons but he didn’t care. Hurt made him lash out.
“When my Time comes I want you to be the one to help me.”
Kirk turned to look at Spock. “What? When your Time…? But don’t you have plenty of time to find someone who’s compatible?”
“I HAVE found someone compatible.” Spock replied with a hint of anger.
“Then why don’t you get THEM to help you?”
“I am attempting to!” Spock growled, his control slipping.
Kirk blinked a few times, confused. “But you want me… to… to…”
“Shall I spell it out for you, Captain?”
“So how will this work? I’ll wait around, bending over for any male who will have me until you say, ‘I burn’ and then it’s down to business?”
Spock’s scowl deepened. “You will not be ‘bending over’ because Vulcans do not share.”
“I only meant… I had been celibate for over a year and it hurt. I can’t be celibate if I need to take care of you.” Kirk stared down at his hands. “I need practice. So what will I use?”
“You are under the assumption that Vulcans do not engage in coitus between their Times.”
Memories of another life came unbidden to Kirk’s mind of a very passionate Spock making love to his Jim Kirk. “I know Vulcans in general do… I’m not so sure about you.”
“I can.”
“How are you planning on forcing yourself to want me? We’re friends but you don’t ‘want’ me in that way. I may fill a biological urge… but who doesn’t?”
“You doubt my sincerity.”
“Spock… It’s ok. I understand that I’m not your first choice in this when it happens. I’m filling a spot like I did for Stonn to keep you alive. I just need… something on the side I guess so I’m prepared for it… so I’m not left in the garden bleeding and bruised.”
“How can you believe I would do that to you?” Spock was quiet, hurt.
“I know it can be so much more. But the other Jim Kirk and Spock… they were in love. They were bondmates… T’hy’la. It was a reaffirmation of their connection.”
“T’hy’la?” Spock breathed, eyes wide. “Is that what they were?”
“I think so… that’s the word Elder Spock kept repeating in my head when he melded with me. But that’s not the point… That Jim Kirk… he was loved throughout his life… by his parents, by his past lovers… by his bondmate. I’ve never…” Kirk glanced at Spock during his hesitation and found the Vulcan staring back at him almost hungrily. “So I understand that I can never be of any great importance to you. It’s the pattern of my life. He said you had to choose your own way. I’m honestly not expecting anything. He doesn’t want me… and if you only want me for sex that’s fine with me.”
“You are an ass.” Spock stood, nearly dropping his PADD to the floor. “Many of my people have gone on and mated without expecting love especially after losing their bondmate and their planet. If two minds are compatible they should bond. You, sir, possess a mind that compliments my own. There is no other better matched than you. I would appreciate if you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and acted like a mature, intelligent being.”
“Hey!” Kirk protested.
“You will be provided for. You will be cherished. And you will be taken up the ass every night for the rest of your life if you so wish.”
“Holy shit…”
“Indeed. Shall we begin?” Spock pulled the blanket away and Kirk grabbed hold, trying to pull it up to his chin.
“Wait! Hold on! I’m not some two bit floozy!”
“Very well.” Releasing the blanket, Spock stood with his hands behind his back. “Do you require manual or oral stimulation to become erect?”
“Spock!” Kirk cried, pulling the blanket up tighter. Here was what he wanted… Spock would need him eventually. But the cold detachment describing their arrangement hurt.
“It is illogical for you to resist. You seek reassurance that you will have ‘practice’ as you say to make sure the experience will not be painful… and yet you resist my attempt to help you.”
Kirk backed away, pulling the blanket with him. “But I’m still in pain from earlier today!”
Spock stared at his captain in silence, before shutting his eyes, visibly breathing in to regain control. “I apologize. My emotional controls have been compromised. You smell like him. The scent of his seed is pungent in my nostrils making it difficult to talk to you in a reasonable manner.”
“Should I take a bath?”
“That is not necessary. When I brought you in I bathed you.”
“YOU brought me in?”
Spock opened his eyes and nodded. “Yes. Father told me of Stonn’s need for you when he returned to contact the healers. I went to the garden to watch over you.”
“You SAW it?” Kirk turned red.
“Indeed. If Stonn had pushed for more I would have stopped him.” Spock cocked his head to the side. “I had to wait for the healers to pull him off of you and take him away, back into the house before I went to you.”
“Oh man…” Kirk whispered.
“Do not be ashamed. You performed admirably. It is my own failure that I feel threatened by Stonn’s display. You sought to save the life of my kinsman. For that I should be grateful and not giving in to my baser instincts to claim you right away. You need rest and to heal.”
“But why would you even want to claim me? Yes… I know you said our minds are compatible. Is that all there is? You know what? I’ll shut up. Just ignore me. I don’t need to know. Not like I haven’t experienced things like this before.”
Spock’s face was drawn, listening to Kirk’s words. “Jim.”
Kirk looked up at him, unsure.
“I told you that you will be cherished… as my friend, my lover and my mate.”
“Mate? You’re saying… you want to be my mate? Like how Selek and the other me were mates?”
Spock stared at his human. “Yes.”
“You won’t…” Kirk swallowed hard. “Abandon me?”
Eyes wide, Spock sat upon the bed, reaching out for Kirk. “Why would you think that? Parted but never apart. Jim… do you understand?”
Kirk nodded, tears in his eyes. Cautiously he leaned forward to rest his head on Spock’s shoulder. “You want me.”
“Why would I not want you?”
“Well… because I… no one ever… I…”
“No one has wanted you before? But Jim… you are mine. If you are as my counterpart suggests T’hy’la then you have always been mine… and I yours. We cannot be with anyone else… only with each other.”
“Really?” Kirk looked up from where he leaned, looking into his first officer’s face.
Spock looked down at him, a hint of a smile in the corner of his lips and in the twinkling of his eyes. In one fluid movement he leaned down to press his lips to Kirk’s, the human’s emotions overwhelming him with the touch.
Kirk froze for just a moment, surprised at the motion Spock made. Something within him awoke from where it had been slumbering within him and he reached out to wrap his arms around the beautiful half alien kissing him. Their mouths worked together to explore the other as the blanket was forgotten, puddled around his waist. Finally the kiss broke and he leaned back a bit to regard the Vulcan. “That was…”
Spock blushed a soft sage. “Indeed.”
“Your mate, huh?” Kirk breathed dreamily.
“Get some rest, Jim. Your body needs to heal.” Lightly but firmly Spock pushed Kirk back down onto the bed. “We can practice another time.”
“I look forward to it.” Kirk replied.
“As do I.” Getting up from the bed Spock retrieved his fallen PADD. “Later this evening you can take a meal and perhaps we will play chess.”
Kirk smiled in response, rearranging the blanket to cover him. “That would be nice.”
Spock stopped in the doorway and looked back at his captain. “When my Time comes…”
With a grin Kirk waved off Spock’s words. “You forget. I already know how it will be.” Tapping his temple he winked. “I’ve got memories of a different life to go by.”
Again Spock blushed a shade of sage. “Perhaps you will find that I have different appetites than that of my counterpart. As he has stated… I have my own path, my own experiences. It stands to reason that my sexual needs may be different.”
“Do you like to be marked with love bites?”
Turning a darker shade of sage Spock looked away. “Well… perhaps some things remain the same.” Returning his gaze to Kirk he smiled briefly. “Rest well, Ashayam. I will see thee this evening.”
“Thank you. See you, Ashaya.” Kirk watched Spock leave, smiling as he closed his eyes. Perhaps he wouldn’t have to enter Kohlinar after all.
--Fin?