Chapter Text
The bathroom was silent and dark. Steven was sitting by the wall, across from him was the sink. He wasn't looking at anything in specific, simply lost in his thoughts. Lately, the bathroom has been quite a refuge. At least in moments like this, the gems wouldn't be coming in like they would in his room. Or at least would hesitate to.
He's fine, he already told them that. But they didn't seem to believe him. He didn't think he even believed it himself. But that's all that comes out easily from his mouth. The only thing that slips without making him regret his words. He did feel guilty for saying things he wasn't sure himself, but he couldn't bear to say things he didn't want to admit at all. If he couldn't say it to his own face, how could he say it to theirs?
A low sigh left past his lips, he barely even acknowledged it. How long has it been since he's been sitting here? He wasn't sure himself. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for. Maybe a click that would make him okay again. Perhaps he was waiting for pain. But he hadn't done it for at least a month now. He wasn't sure if he was ready to break the record… he'd feel pretty ashamed. Maybe he’ll get back to it when the shame is gone. He sighed again. Thinking like that, might as well just reset it…
The house was silent, he didn't know whether or not the gems were home or not. It didn't matter. Well, at least not when he didn't have anything to hide. He glanced at the cabinet on top of the sink. Pondering… pondering for a long while before averting his gaze again. Yeah…not worth it. Too tired to make a mess. Again.
Instead, he stood up. He felt oddly detached. It didn't matter. Not now. He simply made his way to the door, turning the handle and walking out. He wasn't sure what to expect. But surely he was slightly surprised to see Lion in the living room. In the dark. The animal yawned and looked directly at him. their fluffy fur, soft ears, those eyes that could be so sharp yet so soothing. Steven couldn't help the small smile on his face, probably the most genuine smile he showed in months.
“Hey there, buddy….” he murmured to which the lion roared quietly, observing him with mild curiosity. “Yeah…i’m not the best at the moment, I know.” Steven replied to his friend’s low roars. “Don't worry about it.” It rolled out easily from his lips, but this time…it sounded weak…uneven. God, how could the animal beg such a reaction from him?
The lion only huffed, and pressed their head slightly to Steven’s hand, it's almost like it could read him. And Steven faltered a bit at that. “Don't… do that…” he murmured low, and the lion only tilted their head. Steven brushed his hand through the animal’s fur. It was… comforting in a way. He wished he could bathe in it forever. But he didn't want to get too into it. It might lose the effect. He didn't want that…
“...I know…” he grumbled, watching the feline for a while longer. The oddity of the situation didn't go past Steven, even at his disassociate state. “..why are you here…?” Steven mumbled subconsciously. The lion has been staying with Connie over two, three years. Or at least mostly with her. It even felt weird to have it laying around in the house without her nearby. Was he overthinking this? In either way… it was nice to have the pink creature back.
Steven settled by the couch for a while as Lion was snooping over him as it’d usually done when Steven was smaller. And a helpless weak snicker left past his lips, “Heyyy! What’s up with you big guy…?” his eyes were dull, soaked by a growing turmoil Steven was far from acknowledging. The lion knew it, or at least had a sense for it. It searched and searched for a cause, for any kind of hint.
But there was none.
Or perhaps it didn’t fully understand how to find it.
Or Steven was just too good at hiding.
Steven’s hand brushed against the feline’s mane, the pink furrage was glistening under his fingertips. Ah, his power doing wonders. Ignorance was a blessing sometimes … Lion left gruff, and Steven averted his eyes, staring off to the distant. through the window, the sky dark outside, clouds gathering though he supposed it wouldn’t rain tonight. In Any way… raining meant something other than his thoughts would fill the silence.
“... oh Lion…i don’t know what to do anymore…” Lion simply observed, and for what felt like the first time… it was actually letting him pet them. Steven would feel happy. He should feel happy. “... I was doing so well… the days were passing fluidly…” the silence filled the momentary silence that came after.
Steven’s hand stilled. Lion 's ears perked.
“...I… I'm sorry… I shouldn't be mourning… I shouldn't give in but…” His voice lightly trembled, curling his fingers lightly through the lion’s mane. The feline laid its head over Steven’s lap. His eyes finally went to the animal’s face. His vision blurred with tears, a hitch in his breath as it ran down his cheeks. With a shaky hand, he wiped the warm trails off… he couldn’t keep it all in. He didn’t even know he was feeling this bad till now.
Sobs shook their way through his throat, sounding weak, trembled and quiet. Truly quiet. The lion didn’t move, neither did it stop staring. He covered his face, and his sobs were soon to turn into broken cries. Just then, The lion moved. Curling around Steven, who buried himself into the animal’s mane. Letting the warmth surround him, hoping it’d warm the feeling that has been consuming so much of his energy. It was comforting in a way. Just as it was when the hurt was so burning. Ah…No. Not like that.
Quiet sniffles filled the room. The feeling didn’t go away, and Steven’s mind was running with thoughts. He could hear them, the pain, the need of closure yet having no idea how to pursue it. He didn’t think he had the courage. Maybe denying it enough would eventually make them go away. No.. that wouldn’t help. His therapist made that clear in every session.
But what does it matter?
huh..?
You cause them pain every day. It’s only fair you suffer a little too.
No… it’s not like that. He didn’t mean it. And they said it was okay…
Do you really think that? They are lying, Steven.
…
You are hurting them.
He knows.
You could Just …
“...die…” the word left his lips. Slowly. Quietly. The kind of quiet that is past unheard even by silence. A voice so even yet so full of pain and sorrow. Sorrow of knowing it was right, hoping he was wrong.
Then a shift… and Steven opened his eyes again. Lion rose from his laid form, looking at Steven expressionless. Yet its eyes told him all. Shrank pupils and a burning stare. Lion heard, and by their reaction, it also understood what that meant. Concern. The animal was behaving with concern. Lion was about to open a portal, but stopped abruptly by Steven's immediate intervention, standing right in front of them with his arms spread, “WAIT! Wait wait wait… it’s okay! I’m okay Lion – don’t…don’1t bother anyone just because I’m a bit gloomy…” Although his heart was squeezing with each passing second, he managed an even tone. Lion didn’t seem too convinced, but with Steven’s hand returning to their head with calming pats… the animal relaxed slightly.
Steven sighed low, glad the feline didn’t ignore his pleas like it’d usually do. His hand moved slowly and lightly. And silence fell between them once again. His eyes gazed over to the temple door. Silent for a few minutes. Long enough for Lion to also gaze at the door.
… didn’t seem like anyone was inside. Lion roared quietly again, pushing their nuzzle against Steven’s belly, right over his gem tucked under his black shirt. He didn't react much. His eyes grew slightly dazed, and the silence prolonged. Or at least as far as the beast let him as it didn’t take long for the animal to bite lightly at Steven’s sleeves, tugging and pulling Steven along. Just then the boy snapped out of whatever it was that kept him unresponsive.
“..uh? What..? What is it, Lion?” He murmurs, following along without resistance. The animal didn’t let go of his sleeves till they reached his room upstairs. The room was dark just like the rest of the house, if not darker for the closed curtains covering the window that lead to the balcony. Steven left a quiet sigh, after a few moments of silence and Lion’s staring, Steven reached a hand and flipped the lights on. His room was quite a mess.
Not the ‘everything is out of place’ or the ‘stuff spread around’ case, It was just … untouched and left however he left it since the last time he touched the stuff. The painting that fell off the wall? He didn’t bother to hang it up again. The few books laid open or stashed over his desk? Still there. Open drawers that he fiddles with every sleepless night. His phone lying over the nightstand, left to charge. He was sure he hadn’t touched it for at least three days now. He wondered if anyone messaged him during the time. He didn’t check and didn’t pay attention if the phone notified him. He’s been… too zoned out lately.
Steven blinks before realizing the pink lion wasn’t at his side anymore and was lying at the end of his bed. Watching him. He hums quietly, the animal roars at him back in response. “...yeah…i guess i could try to sleep…” was all he responded to the animal. Who looked pleased. Slowly, he made his way to the bed after turning the lights off again. At least this way, his ‘mess’ wouldn’t be too noticeable. He lay down on the bed, feeling the cushion and the mattress cave in under his weight. It was comforting. It always has. He hadn’t much problem sleeping… or at least not with nightmares. His sleep was filled with nothing. The nights he couldn’t sleep wasn't a response to nightmares. No, it was simply because he couldn’t. He’d close his eyes … but sleep would refuse to give in.
Sleeping is good, though. That way, nothing can bother him. Nothing can bother them.
… well… surely. His eyes dropped and he took steady breaths. Something he learned from the therapy sessions. He does forget about the breathing tactics very often. But it wasn’t always. That counted for something… right?
The silence was loud again. But he supposed Lion’s presence was calming enough. Calmer that he deserved. No… at least for a bit… yeah.. just for a moment… he could let it slide. Just this once…