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Valerie knocked on the door once, twice, seven times. Even though it was already 9:30 am on a Friday, Maverick must’ve still been asleep or something. She knocked an eighth time and out came Maverick in nothing but a towel and her damp curls.
“Get lost, Val,” said Maverick. “I already promoted you.”
Valerie stared at Maverick weird. Where did this promotion come from? All she ever did as Maverick Holdings LLC’s psychic was email people about what would happen in the future and give them advice to prevent it. Did a Homo sapiens want to start a rotten rival company? Fuck no, they didn’t. That could only lead to financial ruin and being hated by Maverick and everyone else.
But of course nobody called in because they preferred to use a foreign Magic 8 Ball app for free. The ball was twice as likely to tell them yes than no. And then they’d get their hopes up and Maverick would send one of the birdbrains to be hitwoman. So their body would get incinerated and their phone would get infected by viruses and explode because that’s what happens when you don’t trust the process.
Now, obviously she wouldn’t be saying any of that out loud, but she hadn’t even been chosen until now. Raptor and Kylie were two lucky stiffs.
Maverick ran a brush through her curls. “If you want an assignment, I’m gonna need you to inspect the apartment directly above mine.” She opened the people search app on her phone and showed the owner’s face, voice, and social security number. “I need him gone. And once you snap up that place, all my employees can work up there so the factory can’t kill ‘em. We’re running real low right now.”
Valerie shrugged. “Whatever you say.”
Finally something reasonable. The less people who bothered the birds like her in the main office beside the factory, the better. All those Homo sapiens and their food talk could suck it. If they could eat ravens for all three meals, then that only gave her the right to eat their hearts out.
Maverick brought out a transparent lockbox with a million bills. Ten thousand dollars. That would do it.
Valerie flew up to the third floor to inspect the apartment, which had a full-length window. The roller coasters of Cedar Point operated as usual, and one Homo sapiens tripped over a Diet Coke can and cracked their skull open. Like, ew. Nobody was eating that.
She dived into the trashcan to make herself lunch. The berries and nuts were pretty standard. After that, she moved onto the sleeping raccoon. Perfect. She slashed the raccoon’s chest open and ripped out its heart before it even woke up and noticed it was dead. Then she grabbed a fork and dug in. Too spicy.
A few footsteps grew closer and closer until they reached the trashcan. Must have been the Homo sapiens who lived here. “What was that sound?” he asked.
The vocal sample was an exact match. Valerie closed her eyes and stuck her tongue out. The Homo sapiens opened the trashcan and screamed.
“Aah! Dead crow!” He shut the lid. “If I forget about it, then it won’t exist. Oh well!”
How dare he say that. Crows could go extinct for all she cared. It’d be way better for ravens like her.
“Who’s a crow now?” Valerie pushed the lid open and flew out. “Say that again.”
The Homo sapiens changed his mind and called her a live crow. Same insult. She stared directly at him until he passed out. Then she felt for a pulse. Nothing. Definitely a shock death. Easy. Was that all she needed to do? She snapped a picture of the corpse and texted it to Maverick. After cutting around its heart to get to the good parts, she pushed it out the window and watched it fall into the incinerator.
Now to win that apartment.
A few first-floor residents with weapons and blood all over their heads were lined up in front of the apartment and looking inside, talking about how nobody else was getting that apartment. Nothing special. Maybe she should’ve kept that corpse in there so nobody would even want to buy it. She stood in line and waited.
After a few minutes, a claw tapped her on the shoulder. Raptor. Nice seeing her again.
“Hey, birdbrain!” said Raptor as she turned Valerie around. “So this is why you weren’t in the office today. Are you really that big a sucker for boredom?” She kissed Valerie on the cheek. “Stop moving! You suck at this, too.”
Raptor always said shit like this. It was basically her whole brand at this point. Still, Valerie never complained about it.
“So, have you killed anyone today?” Raptor brushed Valerie’s bangs aside. “Or are you just waiting for the right time?”
Valerie tilted her head. “Maybe don’t talk about that in front of, you know, them.” She pointed at the Homo sapiens and dragged Raptor away.
Any minute now. Someone else (totally not her, since it was a Homo sapiens) was going to jump out with a knife and cut off everyone’s heads before either birdbrain could move. Foresight could come in handy in times like these. By the time the two of them flew inside the vents, the Homo sapiens were screaming and crying and throwing their weapons at each other and dropping dead, of course.
“The birdbrain said it: there’s a creepy psycho killer on the loose!” A survivor tripped on their own leg while running. “Ow, my leg!” And then dropped dead or something. Fall deaths weren’t uncommon in this part of Sandusky.
Raptor rolled her eyes. “That was my line!”
The two of them sat in silence in the vents for a while. Valerie opened up her phone and texted Maverick about the killer. Surely everyone would just forget about the apartment and she’d invade another day.
No response. Maybe the killer got her too. She still owed Valerie the ten thousand dollars for killing the first guy. And maybe more from dying. However much Maverick Holdings made would do. Even a tenth of that. Raptor could get a few bucks too, being Maverick’s Employee of the Month and all.
Eventually, the vents hit a dead end. Valerie went down to the first floor and gestured at Raptor to follow her.
A birdbrain in a security jacket swung around an iron golf club. Whatever that was doing here. “Hold it right there!” It was Kylie, the GateKeeper of Maverick Holdings. And by extension, the whole apartment building. Bitch. “Sorry to bother you, but we’re under lockdown until we can find the killer. Nobody goes in or out!”
So, she didn’t know about this morning. Or maybe she was talking about the other killer. Either could work.
“I could help,” said Valerie. “As a witness myself.”
Technically not lying.
Raptor glanced over at Valerie and punched her shoulder. “Just a witness?!”
“Oh, shut up already.”
Kylie twirled the club around a few times. “If you two are done, then I’ll have you come this way.”
The three birds walked over to the crime scene. Blood splattered all over the place, and severed heads rolled across the floor. Nobody moved. Must’ve been the killer. Raptor slashed one of the Homo sapiens’ bodies to uncover a stopped heart.
“Anyone want some?” Raptor scooped out a little bit of meat. “Never mind. Tastes like shit.”
Kylie picked it up and took a bite. “Gross! What kind of Valravn even likes this stuff?” She stared at Valerie. “You should be ashamed of yourself. Or else you’re the killer, and it’s down to the incinerator you go!”
Valerie stared back. Nobody else got her curse. Once a Homo sapiens, now a disposable Corvus corax thing who still couldn’t eat anything but bird feed or hearts or sleep without really getting around. But if that’s what Kylie wanted. She looked at the ground.
“You don’t look ashamed enough.” Kylie tapped the golf club against the floor. “How am I supposed to know you’re innocent?”
So that’s how she wanted to play. Well then. Think horrible thoughts. Horrible, horrible thoughts. People were dying in the world. Actually, they were just Homo sapiens. Who even gave a fuck? More importantly, birds were dying in the world too. One of those Homo sapiens was going to come alive and kill all three of them and eat them for dinner. Maybe lunch if they usually had it late. Oh wait, that wasn’t horrible enough. This called for a different method.
Without saying anything, Valerie stared at the golf club until it floated out of Kylie’s claw and near her neck.
“I’m so sorry!” said Kylie. “You can’t possibly be the killer! Just don’t hurt me…”
That was all Valerie needed to hear. One kill didn’t make a killer, after all. She set the golf club down on the ground.
“Uh, hello?” Raptor looked up from her phone. “Did you both forget about me? And the real killer?”
Kylie jumped behind Raptor. “Ah! I totally forgot… Well, uh, there’s nothing else to do but start looking, right? Maverick’s gonna incinerate me…”
Couldn’t hurt to save a fellow bird.
“Well, we’ll be looking for a Homo sapiens with a knife,” said Valerie. “Most likely, they live somewhere else in this building and wanted to buy this apartment. Which you should probably guard.”
Kylie nodded and went back into position. Valerie dragged Raptor out the apartment and into the hallway. Fun enough. The killer had to be on the first floor because nobody would ever want to live there. And so were all the victims. Proven by Valerie’s search of the second floor. Each apartment still had all its residents. Even Maverick’s main floor. Of course she came out alive.
“I’ve disposed of the corpses for you,” said Maverick, “but that’s not my job. Do better. I’m watching you!”
Valerie shrugged. This was more important.
On the first floor, Raptor slashed a door open, and pieces of wood fell everywhere. A Homo sapiens with blood on his face jumped back.
“We at Maverick Holdings have reason to suspect you’re the killer.” Raptor adjusted the bow around her collar and stood up straight. “I mean, look at that fucking head of yours! It’s only natural you’d get a little dirty yourself with all the shit you’ve been up to. Did you have fun?”
Valerie stared at Raptor once again. How would sales talk work outside the business?
“No, I didn’t!” The Homo sapiens held his arms out, waiting to be handcuffed. “Take all my money! I’m sorry!”
Raptor smirked and slashed the guy’s wrists until he bled out and flopped over onto the ground and got pushed out the window and into the incinerator. All of that could have been accomplished with one stare instead.
“So, how’d I do?” asked Raptor, her eyes sparkling. “Was that good?”
Valerie nodded. Close enough.
The two of them went through each of the doors. Raptor kept on monologuing and getting people to confess. Once they did, Valerie would do the killing. Weak Homo sapiens could collapse in a matter of five seconds. Sooner or later, all the Homo sapiens on the floor were accounted for. One picked up a knife and swung it around but ended up stabbing himself in the heart by accident.
By the time that was all over, Raptor followed Valerie to her fourth-floor apartment.
“What for?” Valerie turned the key to open her door. “Nobody’s killing each other over your home.”
Raptor untied her bow and took off her shirt. “Well, if you don’t mind me spending the night. It’s still so gross down there.”
Valerie didn’t mind. All that time spent today would make it worth it. She threw a blanket over Raptor, who had settled in right next to her.
Tomorrow, everything would go back to normal and the two of them would show up at work like nothing happened. And there wouldn’t be another killer to catch. The future never lied.
…Never mind.
Valerie turned around to stare down at the Homo sapiens operating the incinerator outside the window.