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CHAPTER 1. PAIN
26. August. 1973
Ever since Remus realised the true anger in life, he hasn't known what to do with his life. All he can think of is the daily torment of life and then ending up unhappy no matter what anyway. Sometimes he just wants to do nothing at all…
Remus woke up with a groggy head, the sharp smell of blood tingling in his nose as he lifted himself up to sit, before he quickly gave up because a sharp pain hit his ribs. He looked down to see a bloody new deep-red slash on his rib. At around 10, his mam finally came into the cellar with some aspirin and water. Remus didn't really feel like they helped, but Hope trying to give comfort to him was all that Remus really needed.
“Annwyl, wyt ti wedi dioddef yn ddifrifol.”
Before he knew it, Remus was sobbing. Ever since he was 11, his mother had a chronic illness which meant she's at the hospital all the time, but she tries to be there every morning after a full moon to take care of him. It has been two years, and he almost only sees her at full moons or when he goes to visit when she's not in too much pain.
“I'm alright, Mum, thank you,” he murmured before pulling her into a weak hug, considering he was in tormenting pain and the aspirin didn't do shit.
Hope just smiled and cleaned the slash on his rib before they sat next to each other, giving each other company in this sad life with this empty house and the constant pain they both carried.
After a while, she left for the hospital again to do her daily physical therapy. He didn't fully understand what Hope had, but his father mentioned something about ALS. Remus didn't want to dig into it because he was afraid to know what this would mean in the future.
So instead, Remus propped himself up, got dressed with slow, painful movements, and headed out for a fag. Remus knew he was too young to smoke, considering he was 13, but hell, he couldn't care less. He just stared at a little bird sitting on the bench beside him. The bird seemed to watch him too, but cautiously, like it could sense the monster in him. Remus got agitated at this thought, but instead of getting angry at a fuckass bird, he just took a deep drag from his cigarette and tried to stretch before he was reminded of the stinging pain in his ribs, which made him hunch over for a good minute.
It's Sunday, so his father would come home from church soon, so Remus decided it was best to head inside for his own good, since he can't meet his friends in the condition he was in right now anyway.
“For fuck's sake.”
A sharp exhale escaped him as he lifted himself up before walking back to the mansion and into his room with slow, steady steps. His father came home from church right in time when Remus had finally managed to shower and get the sweat and smoke off him.
Lyall soon knocked at Remus' door before walking in.
“Remus, downstairs. We need to talk.”
Remus pushed himself up with a groan as he slowly headed downstairs.
“So, Remus, you know I didn't want to send you to Hogwarts because I wanted to teach you myself,” Lyall began, but Remus was already pissed, considering that Lyall never once taught him something for more than one hour because, in Lyall's eyes, Remus wasn't worth the effort. So he just gave Remus full access to all the books Lyall possessed and let him figure it out alone, which made Remus, first of all, very socially awkward and isolated, and second of all, very good at the wrong subjects.
Like, what was a kid doing researching the Cruciatus Curse and knowing how to do it at 11? Remus never used it, but he tried it on a mosquito once that was bugging him before a full moon.
But Remus didn't feel like arguing with his father, so he just let him continue.
“But things are going to change now. I want you to go to Hogwarts and experience the whole magic thing.”
Remus almost burst out laughing because he knew Lyall just wanted to get rid of him like he was an inconvenience.
“I've spoken to Dumbledore about it. You'll be in the Sorting Hat ceremony with the first years, but you'll be in third year, considering I already taught you everything.”
(Taught himself.)
Remus just frowned, knowing he'll be way too far behind to actually have good grades, which he will probably get beaten for by Lyall because apparently he didn't try enough.
“You will leave in three days. I've already told the maids to start packing, and I've already organised all school supplies.”
“Okay, Father. Very well. Am I permitted to go to my room now?”
Lyall just nodded coldly before Remus slipped past him into his room and closed the door.
Remus was angry, not only because he was just getting sent away, but also because he couldn't see his mum until the holidays. But Remus knew arguing was no use anyway since the decision had already been made for him, not just by his father but also by Dumbledore apparently, which surprised him because his father never mentioned being able to just go there after a while.
But at the moment, Remus really didn't care. He just sat on his bed, staring at the bedpost.
Then Remus slowly started to go through one of his favourite magazines as he immediately felt heat rising. When he was over his high, a wave of guilt crept over him. He always told one of his best girl friends that he wasn't like that, but in the end Remus couldn't help it, which only made him angrier at himself and all of it inside him.
He realised he was scratching his arm hard. He hadn't realised how badly he had done it because of the pain tolerance he had from the full moons. He quickly stopped when his fingers felt like they were on fire.
After a while, it got dark, but Remus couldn't sleep and just listened to his favourite David Bowie record before deciding to sneak out and go on a walk to smoke in peace so he wouldn't stink up his room, even though he knew Lyall didn't care if Remus was actively damaging himself as long as he had respect and made a good appearance and image for others, which would never please his father because his father wasn't pleased with the fact that Remus existed.
Cold air hit Remus' lungs as he stepped outside. He decided to go to the city, which he normally never did, but here he was now in the middle of London. Some thugs were roaming around, and some scary-looking addicts. He wandered for a bit before he accidentally stumbled.