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“Sev?” Lily whispered questioningly, waking Severus Snape as she crept into his darkened bedroom.
“What are you doing here at this time of night?” he asked. “You haven’t so much as spoken to me since last term.” He tried to sound angry as he spoke, but the quaver in his voice gave him away.
“I’m so sorry, Sev” Lily breathed, heartfelt in her apology. “I’ve missed you so much, you just don’t know! I can’t lose you because you used the word ‘mudblood’ or because I don’t like your friends!” The bat-like boy was too stunned to reply or even to move from his bed, but he was even more delighted than he was shocked at Lily’s sudden appearance. The mixture of emotions he felt increased tenfold as she slipped into the bed and curled up next to him.
“Lily, what…” Severus began, but she cut him off, shushing him as she laid her head on his shoulder and slid her arm up his chest.
“Can things just go back to what they used to be? Back when we were friends, before we ever had this stupid fight?” she asked softly, sounding as if she were on the verge of tears.
“I…” Severus’s voice caught in his throat. “Of course, Lily. Of course.” The two fell into silence as Severus wrapped his thin arms around Lily, holding her as tightly as she held him. He was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he was shirtless and the sensation of Lily’s skin and her long, red hair draped across his bony chest was better than Severus had ever imagined it could be. All those years he had loved her, hoping beyond hope that she would someday see him as more than a friend. Now here she was, lying in his bed, wearing nothing but a thin nightgown as she held him close. Surely this meant that she finally felt the same way that he always had.
Severus didn’t know how long they lied in silence, but he was too afraid to break it for quite a while, worried that she was going to come to her senses and leave him again. Eventually, against his better judgment, he nestled his face into her hair and whispered “I love you Lily Evans. I always have and I always will. Nothing can ever change that.” He waited, terrified of her reaction, as she tilted her head back so she could look him in the eye.
“Oh, Sev,” she sighed, their faces inches apart, her straight, cute nose nearly brushing his long, hooked one. “I love you too. I don’t know why it took me so long to see it, but I do.” At her words, Severus’s heart filled with elation which stretched it nearly to a breaking point. He closed his eyes as he gently cradled the back of her head with his right hand and softly placed his lips upon hers. The kiss, as sweet and innocent as it could be, lasted several long seconds before Severus slowly pulled away. He saw that Lily, her eyes still closed, wore an expression of bliss. When she opened her eyes again she gave him a grin and snuggled back into him, her breath lightly caressing his neck as she traced her fingers across his chest. Severus ran his fingers through Lily’s hair absentmindedly, unable to fully grasp how he had been so lucky as to finally have the thing he had desired most of all for so long. He didn’t know how it would be possible to share a truer love or a greater happiness than what he was experiencing in that moment.
As the minutes passed by and became hours, the two slipped off into sleep, still holding one another. Severus woke as the first light of morning shone brightly through his window, but he found his bed curiously empty.
“Lily?” he called cautiously into his empty room. “Lily, where are you?” A hint of hysteria crept into his voice as he realized that she was not in the room. He walked out into the hallway and called her name again but there was no response. Severus could not understand why she would have left, and his confusion turned to irritation when he came across his parents in the kitchen, preparing to leave for work.
“What are you doing up, Severus? You haven’t done anything useful all summer, and you certainly haven’t gotten up this early before” his father quipped in a derisive tone.
“Leave him alone, would you?” his mother snapped. Severus groaned inwardly as he realized that the conversation was well on its way to becoming a full blown argument.
“How are you going to tell me how to talk to my son, Eileen? I’ll have you remember that I am the head of this household, not you!” his father roared angrily. Severus slipped out of the room as their voices got louder and their words got crueler. He heard the sound of something breaking as he made it back into his room and silently vowed never to leave his room before his parents left for work in the future.
His wonderful memory of the night before, though tarnished by the harsh reality of life with his parents, still filled him with joy. Surely Lily had only left for fear of being caught, and she didn’t wake him simply because she thought he might not want his sleep disturbed. Bolstered by these happy thoughts, he carefully chose the best clothes he could find from his closet as he waited for the slam of the door that would mean his parents had left. He then took a quick shower, dressed, and stole into his father’s toiletries for some cologne. Feeling confident, he strode towards the front door. He stopped in front of the hall mirror, however, worried that he didn’t look good enough for the beautiful Lily. He almost gave up and went back to his room, but once more gathered up the courage to walk down to her house. Lily didn’t care what he looked like. She was in love with him, just as he was in love with her. His clothes would not change that fact. With a spring in his step, Severus set off down the road to see Lily.
It didn’t take very long for him to find her. She was reading under a tree that the two of them had often spent time climbing and talking in when they were younger. She was wearing a lovely gold-colored dress, practically glowing with beauty.
“Lily!” he called, amazed yet again that they were finally together. She laid her book down in the grass next to her and stood.
“Severus” she said with a tone that was a bit formal. In his excitement, Severus didn’t notice how she sounded. He ran to her, pulled her close and began to kiss her passionately, forcefully, holding her much more firmly than he had the night before. He realized very quickly that something wasn’t right, and almost as soon as he did, Lily shoved him hard with both hands, pushing him away. He stepped back, confused and hurt, as she shakily raised her right hand to her mouth, a look of shock plastered on her face.
“How dare you!” she screamed, angrier than he had ever seen her. “You are vile, Severus Snape! More than I ever imagined!” Her words cut deep, and they confused Severus more than ever.
“I don’t understand” he exclaimed as she dropped back into the spot where she had been sitting.
“What’s not to understand!” she spat “That was my first kiss! Stolen by a future death eater, no less! Why would you even want to kiss a ‘filthy mudblood’ like me anyways?”
“But… but Lily” Severus stammered.
“But what? What could posses you to do such a thing? I thought I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with you last term. I might have changed my mind eventually, but that little stunt you just pulled settled matters for sure!” The more she screamed, the redder her face got, until he could clearly see hurt written alongside her anger. Suddenly, though, the anger seemed to go out of her and she hung her head forlornly.
As she sat on the grass, looking miserable, the truth dawned on Severus. Last night had been a dream. Everything was ruined and it was all his fault. Their first kiss had not been the gentle, sweet thing he had imagined, but a rough and unwanted advance. Lily did not love him, she never had, and now she never would, all because of his stupid mistake. How could he have believed that last night was real? Severus’s heart broke in a million ways. As much as it hurt him that she did not love him, it was even worse for him to see that his misguided love had hurt Lily. He did not know how he was supposed to deal with this pain. He wanted to drop to his knees and explain everything, but before he did, his pride caught up with him. He was above apologizing to a mudblood, and he knew it. Why should he have to explain himself? She should have loved him, anyways, because he cared so much for her! He channeled his pain into anger because that was the easiest thing to do. After all, wasn’t that what his parents always did?
“Well excuse me” he sneered. “I suppose you were saving your first kiss for that idiot Potter? He’s about as good as a mudblood like you could ever do!” As soon as the words left his lips, he knew he had made a huge mistake. Lily’s face crumpled and she began to sob uncontrollably.
“A-and to th-think I c-c-cared about you!” she hiccoughed through her tears. Severus felt as though his heart had been ripped from his chest. If he hadn’t been so stupid they might have been able to share that beautiful kiss he had so vividly dreamed of. Lily did care about him, he had just been too focused on fitting in with the other Slytherins to please her. Of course she meant more than his feelings about pure-bloods! He loved her anyways, didn’t he? But it was too late. The damage he had caused was irreparable. Dying inside, Severus Snape turned on his heel and fled.
When he got back to his room, Severus was completely enraged at himself. He saw a picture of himself with his friends Avery and Mulciber and, thinking of what Lily had said last term about their love for the dark arts, he snatched it off his dresser and threw it across the room. The noise made by the shattering glass in the frame was satisfying, so he grabbed every other picture he had and threw them as well. It felt good to destroy things that were less valuable than the relationship he had destroyed with Lily. Soon, however, he realized the trouble he would be in if his father came home and found the mess he had made. Severus began grabbing handfuls of glass shards and throwing them away. It wasn’t long before they were all off the floor, but he realized that his hands were covered in cuts, some of them quite deep. He cursed himself for having been so stupid. There was no way he would be able to keep his ravaged hands a secret and he was going to be in serious trouble. He did, however, welcome the sharp pain he was feeling, because it helped keep his mind off of the stronger pain of heartbreak he was feeling.
Fuming, he drug himself to the bathroom, washed the blood off his hands, and wrapped them in bandages. Severus sank to the tile floor when had finished, his anger exhausted, replaced with a pain stronger than any he had felt before. He had to find a way to make things right. Even if Lily would never love him back, he had to try to undo the hurt he had caused her. He just didn’t know how. The more he tried to think of ways to make up for his mistake, the more futile it seemed. Eventually, he broke down and began to cry. There was no way for him to set things right, no way at all. He pulled his knees in to his chest, wrapped his arms around his legs, and started to sob in earnest. He sat like that for hours, even after he had cried until he had no tears left, and he only got up when he knew his parents were about to arrive home. He knew better than to let them find him like that.
Severus spent the next few weeks moping, avoiding his parents, and composing lengthy letters to Lily that he always balled up and threw out. No matter how many times he tried to put his feelings down on paper, all the apologies he could think of seemed woefully inadequate, incapable of making up for the wrong he’d done. He dreaded the end of summer and his return to Hogwarts for the first time in his life. Normally, the thought of going to school, honing his magical skills, and escaping his terrible father seemed too good to be true, but now it was more like a sword hanging over his head, waiting to fall. How could he go back to school with Lily without making things right with her? What if she took his suggestion and went out with Potter? All of these dismal thoughts swirling around in his head accompanied by the misery of living with his hateful, arguing parents made his life a living hell. He wanted nothing more than to go back in time and undo that kiss he’d shared with Lily despite the fact that one of the happiest moments in his life had been the brief second when he’d had his lips pressed against hers before she flung him away.
September rolled around before Severus had a chance to speak to Lily. As he boarded the Hogwarts Express, he was careful to avoid her. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to bear the pain of seeing hurt and disgust written across her face, so he sat with his fellow Slytherins on the train and didn’t leave his compartment until they reached Hogwarts. The school year went by quickly, and Severus was fortunate to have very few encounters with Lily. He never actually had to speak to her, a fact that he was quite glad of. But he could not avoid hearing about her, especially when she started dating the pompous James Potter. Severus was furious when he found out, but at himself, not at Lily. It broke his heart to think that he had driven her to be with such a foul person. He tried to ease the pain by dating other girls, but every time he kissed someone, he pictured Lily in her place. It was a hollow pleasure for him, and he knew it was unfair, so he gave up on trying to love anyone other than Lily Evans.
… As Severus Snape lay dying, he shared many memories of himself and of Lily with her son, Harry. He hoped that they would be able to explain what he had died for, why he had fought for Harry’s right to live, and why he hated that he had really fought for Harry’s right to die. The pain of Nagini’s bites made it difficult for Severus to be sure that he gave the right memories to Harry. After he was done, the one he clung to was that of his dream of Lily, and of the moment that ensured he would never have the woman he loved so dearly. It was one memory he simply could not bear to give away. As he thought of Lily, he asked Harry to look at him, and he died staring into Lily’s eyes, not Harry’s.