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Kai does not think about a lot. He may not be capable of thinking anymore. He only looks straight ahead of him.
He feels no hunger, no warmth, no coldness, no fear, no thirst. He knows his body has needs, but he is willing to sit here and die. With broken legs and only one fuctional arm, the other tied in a sling, he knows there is no reason for him to live.
Kai can see though, and Kai can hear. He sees Damon every single day. He refuses to leave his room unless he needs to which is usually to get more food. He patiently helps Kai fulfill his body's needs. He tells him that everything will be ok, and he is always here for him no matter what.
Kai has not looked at Damon for a long time. It has been days since he last has. Today, he looks at him.
Damon has brought a chair close to Kai's bed. He is reading a book probably to keep himself busy. Just like everyone else, his skin has grown paler because of all the time they spent in here but at least he does not look as skinny anymore now that he is allowed to eat more food without that money motive stopping him. His dark roots are showing and contrast the soft blondness of his dyed hair. Since his hair has grown and he his head is tilted down, it is hard to see his eyes. Kai knows that he must have that same focused look he always has when he is reading though. He has memorized it when he kept sneaking glances at him whenever he wanted his attention but did not want to disturb him.
Thinking of Damon's beautiful green eyes makes Kai want something for the first time since he almost died. With all the strength he has he says, "Damon."
Damon instantly looks up. There are dark circles under his eyes. Kai knows that he has been sleeping on the couch. He knows that Damon hates sleeping there. Kai would not mind if Damon comes back to sleep in the same bed as him, but he would come up with some reason like I don't want to accidentally hurt you or something.
Damon puts his book to the side. He stands up, and he moves to be next to Kai. "Did you call for me?"
Kai only wants to look at him, but he should have known that calling for Damon after not saying anything for days will lead to Damon becoming so focused on him talking. He has his full attention now though so he says quietly, "I did…"
Damon already sounded like he was trying to hide his excitement but now it is even more obvious. "Do you need something?"
Kai reaches for him with his good hand. Damon holds his hand first. The patient look in his eyes makes him feel a little sick.
"Why are you still here?" he asks.
"To care for you."
Kai wants to ask why but he already knows the answer. He sees the way Damon looks at him when he thinks Kai is oblivious. He hears the way Damon talks to him whenever he begins worrying that Damon will leave him soon. He feels the way Damon touches him whenever he wants to quietly tell him that he is still here and will forever be here even though they are in the least stressful situation possible. Kai would have felt like he was in a dream thinking about that not too long ago. Kai still feels like he is in a dream but he feels sick too.
"You don't have to stress yourself out over me," he says.
Damon brushes his hair out of his face with his hands. His touch is soft, especially on the bandages wrapped around his head. "Remember when Jean almost killed me? You were there for me every day. Let me at least be here for you."
What is Kai providing by being here though? He has not seen himself in the mirror for days but he knows he does not even look pretty enough to keep as a prize, if he looks pretty at all. If Damon had not found him when he was still breathing and was so adamant on getting him out, Damon would not have to spend all of his time by a sick man's side, making sure he is ok at all times.
Kai is pulled into a hug. He feels his own tears fall down his face and soak Damon's shirt. He hears Damon whisper to him, "It's ok Kai. It's going to be ok."
If that helps Damon sleep at night then Kai will let him believe that.
♡
There is a wheelchair Kai can use now. It is not a good wheelchair since the wheels get stuck and even if he had two functioning arms, he knows he would have struggled using this. Damon of course is willing to push him around.
Kai does not want to leave his room so Damon pushes him around on the wheelchair in his room. He pauses to ask him, "Is this ok?"
He shrugs. He looks at his legs. They are not as disfigured as before but they still do not work.
"Do you think I will ever walk again?" Kai asks.
Damon hesitates. "We'll need to go to a hospital to check."
That must mean no.
Kai probably already lost a significant portion of his fans from not posting suddenly for so long. Even if he goes back, he looks too different. He knows he acts too different too. There is nothing for him out there and there is nothing for him in here.
Well. At least in here he has Damon.
Maybe that is worse actually.
"Do you want me to push you around more?" Damon asks.
Kai did not want to go onto his new wheelchair but Damon looked so excited that he agreed. He had to experience Damon trying not to show much he struggled with Kai's weight to help him onto the chair. He does not want to feel so helplessly useless to be put back onto his bed but this wheelchair made him want to die.
"I don't care," he replies.
Damon helps him get onto the bed. Kai feels helplessly useless again.
♡
Kai cannot take it anymore. Damon is being too kind. He was only feeding him lunch today, but he has been too kind to him for too long. It is too much.
But now Kai sits here in his room alone.
He did not mean to yell at Damon so much. He barely processed the words he said. But he knows he told him to get out and never come back. There were a few insults too. Something something useless. Something something fake. Something something Eva.
Kai does not remember how Damon looked when he heard all this. Kai does not think he was looking at him to begin with. Kai is a coward.
Around dinnertime, the door opens. Kai wants to believe that it is Damon but he knows how it feels to be in Damon's presence, and that is not Damon. He does not look at whoever enters—but he hears what they say.
"Damon asked me to bring you dinner."
Damon does not want to see him.
Kai bursts into tears.
Whoever just came in leaves the food on the nightstand and leaves. Kai feels so alone, but he soon feels himself being hugged. His stiffened body relaxes when he hears Damon.
"It's ok Kai," he says. "I'm right here…"
He had come so fast. He must have been waiting nearby in case Kai messed up again. And Kai had messed up again.
Kai tries to stop crying so much. "Damon I'm so sorry…"
"I forgive you," Damon replies.
Kai wonders if Damon was ever mad at him. For his own peace, he chooses to believe that he was.
Now that Kai is not crying as much, he moves over on the bed as much as he can so Damon can sit. Damon, as usual, helps him before he sits down.
"Are you hungry?" he asks.
Kai shakes his head.
"Do you want anything?"
"Can you stay…"
"I wasn't going to leave." Damon reaches for his hand. He gently squeezes it.
Kai lets out a shaky breath. "Damon I'm so sorry for what I said…"
"I know you didn't mean it," he replies.
Again is he being too good to him.
"How do I make it up to you?" Kai asks.
Damon squeezes his hand again. "You don't have to do anything."
That feels so wrong though. Kai needs to make sure Damon forgives him. But how can he do that? So many of his bones are still broken. He does not have it in him to fake being like how he was before this accident either, which he knows will make Damon so happy if he thinks Kai is becoming normal again. All he can offer is his weak body.
Ok. He will offer his body then. There is not much to use but maybe Damon will still appreciate it.
"Damon," Kai says.
"Yes?" Damon says.
"Can you kiss me?"
Damon leans back in surprise. "What?"
"Kiss me," Kai repeats. "I know you want… I know you wanted to kiss me before—"
Damon leans closer than before. His face is redder but he still meets his eyes. "I still want to."
"Then kiss me."
Damon kisses him. For a second Kai forgets everything. He is just like how he was before. He is fun, he is happy, he is healthy, he is able-bodied and he is so happy to be kissing Damon. Even when the kiss deepens, Kai still feels like he has entered a dream state and has entered a reality that should not be real, but god if he isn't happy that it is…
But when Damon leans back just enough to let them breath, he remembers the state he is in.
He mumbles, "If I could move more, this would've been a lot better…"
"It's fine." Damon gently cups his face. "What else do you want to do?"
He shrugs with only the shoulder of the arm that is not broken. "I would say you can touch me anywhere you want to but…"
Damon looks down. "Do you want me to touch you?"
Kai wants his words to be a joke but they sound too insecure. "Did you ever want to touch me?"
Damon hesitates for so long that Kai thinks the answer is no.
Damon's face becomes redder as he avoids looking at him. "I did…"
"Do you still want to?"
Damon does not reply this time, but now Kai knows that it is from embarrassment, not trying to find a polite way to turn him down.
A part of him wants to smile. "Then yes Damon, I want you."
"But I don't want to hurt you," he says.
"You won't," he promises. "I trust you."
Damon meets his eyes again. His hands go down from his head to his shoulders. One stays there while the other goes lower. It stops at the waistband of his pants.
"I don't want to hurt you," Damon repeats, "so I don't want to go too far…"
"I'm ok with whatever you decide," he assures.
Damon nods. When he begins slowly palming his crotch, Kai sighs as his eyes flutter shut. He can feel Damon's eyes on him. He wants him to look down though and see that Kai still wants him. He has always wanted him.
If Kai could grind against him without feeling any pain, he would. He is forced to wait for Damon. It has already lasted a second too long though.
"Damon go faster," he whines.
Damon kisses the corner of his lips. "Tell me if it gets too much ok?"
Kai opens his eyes to see Damon looking at him with the look of a man that is not going to take advantage of the situation he is in.
"Damon just do it…" He puffs his cheeks and pouts.
A small smile comes onto Damon's face. Kai has not seen him smile since Kai almost died. It distracts him enough that he does not notice that Damon has unzipped his pants until he feels his hand on his dick. A muffled noise of surprise tries escaping his mouth.
"Relax," Damon tells him, his voice gentle and quiet.
Kai is relaxed. He is so relaxed that he closes his eyes again and he does not attempt to roll his hips to gain more friction like he wants. He sighs and lets out soft moans as Damon strokes him. His hand feels so warm and his fingers are so long. He bites the inside of his cheeks as he wonders how much better this would feel if he applied more pressure.
Then Damon applies the pressure. Kai moans as his eyes fly open. When his gaze spots Damon, he sees that Damon is looking at him with a familiar expression. It is one that he always has when he is presented something new, and he wants to study and memorize it. Kai usually saw him look at things like that whenever they were in a new room or something.
Knowing he was now on the receiving end of the look made his face flush. That along with the quickened stroking, giving him the friction he lacked before, makes his moan come out a little too loud. He wants to look away in shame when he sees that familiar smug smirk Damon always has when he does something he is proud of, but god if he didn't look so hot with it…
"Damon," he mumbles.
"I'm right here." Even his voice has become more smug. If his legs could work, he might have kicked him.
The best he can do right now is use his good hand to bring Damon closer. Kai tries to take the lead, but one gentle tug on his dick makes him give into Damon. He whimpers as Damon twists his wrist on the upstroke.
"Damon," he mumbles again when Damon pulls back to breathe.
"Yes Kai?" he asks.
Kai grabs onto his shirt and pulls him back in.
Damon has mastered what Kai likes. His hand moves at the right pace, he applies enough pressure and he kisses him deep yet gentle enough to please him. Kai feels so light yet so dizzy at the same time. He holds onto Damon's shirt tighter to try to steady himself.
"Damon," he whispers with a slightly hoarser voice, "I'm close…"
"Already?" Amusement is laced in his voice. His hand slows down.
He scowls. "Damon don't you dare fuck with me right now."
"I'm not doing anything." His stroking is almost non-existent now.
Kai pouts. With a smile, Damon picks up his pace until his pace is back to how it was before. Kai squeezes his eyes shut. Damon leaves soft kisses on his face. The softness of it contrasting the fast stroking tips Kai over the edge.
Damon continues stroking him and easing him through his orgasm. When he stops stroking him, Damon helps clean him up the best he can before he tells him, "I'm going to wash my hand. I'll be back soon ok?"
Kai nods. He takes deep breaths as he watches Damon go to the bathroom. He feels more level headed when Damon comes back. Seeing him makes Kai to finally realize that the most normal he has felt in so long related to being jerked off by his roommate. The stupidness of it makes him laugh.
Of course he sees the way Damon stops in his tracks. Kai would have as well if the roles were switched. Right now though, he just wants Damon to come closer. He holds out his hand. Damon takes it almost automatically.
Still feeling much lighter than he has before, Kai smiles at him. He knows Damon is staring at his lips so intensely is because of that smile but just to mess with him, Kai puckers his lips, silently asking for a kiss. Damon kisses him.
When Damon pulls back, he cups his face. "Are you feeling better?"
"Much better." Kai smiles again just to prove his point.
That makes Damon smile. It makes Kai realize he has not smiled so easily since he almost died. Kai missed his smile, so they really were in similar positions. With that, Kai kisses him one more time.