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Simon is starting to worry.
Grace was always so full of life and energy, it was one of the first things Simon noticed about his angel. Everything about him seemed to glow, a radiant aura always around him. He was always ensuring Simon was taken care of, happy, healing, and comfortable.
It’s been a year since he was rescued from the SM-13 after Adrian found him in space and joined Grace in his home. It’s now been a few months since the lines became blurred and platonic affections became not-so-platonic.
And by not-so-platonic, that meant Grace panicking that he didn’t want Simon to feel uncomfortable living with Grace (now that Grace realized his feelings).
“Angel, I love you, but we’ve slept in the same bed, been holding hands, and kissing each others for months now. Just last week you said, and I quote, ‘you complete me in ways I can’t comprehend’ while washing my hair for me. Did you think I didn’t know you had feelings for me? Feeling that’s are mutual by the way, if that wasn’t clear.”
Grace was red from neck to ears and fumbling over trying to reason how that could all be read as platonic.
Simon walked over and promptly kissed him until he could focus on nothing but the body pressed against him and sweetness against his tongue.
But Simon was worried about Grace. He was acting.. different. And it all started around the time he ran out of the morning vitamins he took.
Simon has been hyper-vigilant since he was old enough to be aware of his surroundings. Of course he tracked Grace’s movements and memorized his routines shortly after he began living there. Most notably, every morning he’d have his cup of Eridian-created coffee and 3 pills.
After 21 days of watching and finally trusting that this new reality is in fact real, Simon decided to just ask one morning while watching Grace perform his daily coffee-pill routine.
“What are those pills you’re taking?”
Grace looked caught of guard and his shoulders tucked into himself a bit. “Oh, those? Just some daily vitamins they packed for the trip! To help keep me healthy.”
Huh, they never had things like that in Eden. “Should I be taking some too then?”
“Oh no no, sorry but they’re specifically tailored for us! Based on our body composition, also accounting for the time in our space coma and all that nonsense! Boring stuff really,” he gave a nervous laugh.
“Okay..” Simon was caught off guard by Grace’s behavior. He seemed off-balance in this conversation. But the last thing Simon wanted was to make Grace uncomfortable with too many questions. Besides, maybe it was private information and rude to talk about? Which is possible since Simon wasn’t familiar with Earth’s customs on health-related things.
But now, a year into living here with the star of his life, Simon was worried about Grace.
About 14 days ago Grace changed his routine and of course, Simon noticed immediately.
Every morning they would have a cup of coffee to start the day together and take some time to just bask in the quiet with one another before having to go their own ways for the day. Grace to go teach and Simon to tend the the garden been working on.
Grace would pour both their coffees, hand Simon his, briefly turn his back to grab his vitamins from a container and swallow the three of the down with a sip of his coffee, then walk a few steps to Simon and wrap his arm around him. Leaning in to enjoy the feel of one another for a bit.
But this morning Grace handed Simon his coffee then followed him right away to stand with him and watch the waves while they sip their coffee.
“Ry, your vitamins?”
"My vita- oh! About that, Stratt only packed so much and it just so happens the last of it is now gone.” Grace was fidgeting, shifting weight from left foot to right, then back again.
“Oh.. but they helped keep you healthy right? Is it okay to just not have them anymore?”
“Um, kind of? I may feel a few odd side affects, but nothing major! So nothing to worry about at all.”
“Well, maybe if you talked to Rocky we could ask-“
“Drop it. Please.” Grace’s tone was flat. In a way Simon had never heard it before.
“What? Ryland I just think maybe-“
“No, Simon. There’s no more of them, so they’re done and I’ll be fine without them. So please stop pushing.” Grace had a pleading look in his eyes.
Simon opened his mouth to try and figure out where the conversation took such a turn that Grace was responding this way.
“I have to get ready for class, have a good day in the garden. Love you.” Grace said as he quickly darted out of the room.
"Love you," Simon mumbles out after him as he looks down at his coffee. They didn’t finish their morning together..
Simon tried not to fixate on that for the rest of the day.
Simon is starting to worry about Grace.
Grace was still in bed. He'd usually rise with the sun to make their coffees. But today the sun had risen, and Grace had not.
Simon looked down at the golden head of hair resting on his chest and tried not to worry about Grace.
He got up and gently laid Grace down into his pillow as his replacement while he went to start their coffee.
Life in Eden didn’t give anyone the luxury of a slow morning with coffee and love. But here, with his shining star, things were different.
Well, usually Grace would be the one making the coffee, but Simon can handle this change in routine. It was going to be okay.
Change could be okay sometimes.
He got started on making their coffees, hoping the sound and smell might rouse his sleeping beauty. But even after both their coffees were fixed to their liking, there was no angel laying kisses upon his face. And he was overdue for some of that. Leaving their hot coffees in the kitchen, Simon pads over to their room and crouches next to his beloved. Sweeping his hand through Ryland’s hair he leans in to nuzzle their noses together softly.
“Ryland, my love, it’s time to get up.”
“Hrmphhh,” comes the gradual wake up grunts from the sleepy blonde.
“Come join me for our coffee, my star. I’ve got it all ready for you.”
After a deep inhale, he was finally met with the beautiful blues that reminded him of the oceans he’s seen from old movies of earth. The opposite of what he was forced to live through. This blue would forever be one of his favorite things to see. But so would the golden color of Ryland’s hair. Really just anything associated with his angel was his favorite. He’s a little bias, so what.
Grace finally got himself sitting up but seemed to be staring off into space.
“Ry?” No response.
“Ryland?” Still morning. Now he’s getting worried.
“Hey, baby, y’okay?” He touched his knee.
Grace startled, “Si, yeah m’sorry. Just still waking up I guess.”
That was weird. Usually he was ready to go as soon as he woke up. “You feeling okay? Do we need to have the biology team check you out for anything?”
Shaking his head before Simon could finish his sentence, “Nooo, noo, I’m not going to bother them. Besides, I’m just feeling a little extra tired. Body’s are weird sometimes,” he chuckled.
Simon tried to let himself believe what he was saying, despite something gnawing at him to keep digging for a different answer. “Well, let’s see if some coffee can’t help.”
“Actually, you can go ahead, Si. I think I’m going to shower first to help wake me up. But thank you, my dear,” with a quick kiss to Simon’s temple Grace heads off to the bathroom.
Simon looked over at their coffees in the kitchen. They didn’t get to really start their morning together.
But it was just this morning, and that’s okay. Simon’s okay with that. It’s not like this was going to become routine.
But the same thing happened every morning for the next 6 days. Simon woke first, he made their coffees, and went to go wake Grace from his slumber. Although every morning he just looked more and more tired.
-
After a week of Grace sleeping late into the mornings until Simon woke him, along with a level of visible fatigue, day 8 brought something new. Simon woke to the sound of clanging and a crash. A quick survey of the bed showed that Grace was not there. Simon’s thoughts turned positive: Grace is okay! We’ll get to have our morning coffee and time together again.
Smiling, he got out of bed and made his way to the kitchen, but stopped short when he came across the living room and found Grace in there instead.
Grace had brought out the large rolling whiteboard he usually kept in their spare office (Simon had run into it one too many times) and was writing on it at an alarming speed. Sticky notes were stuck in various places across it and stacks of papers were littered across their couch, the coffee table, and even a side table. The side table stacked with papers, topped off with two coffee mugs.
Well, it’s not the kitchen but at least they still had their coffee! Peering into the cups, Simon felt a wave of disappointment.
Empty.
Both of them.
Grace must’ve heard his heavy exhale and whipped around.
“Si! Good morning! You wouldn’t believe some of the connections I made in some of the Eridians recent star research and my own theories on the stars with Astrophage! It’s really so fascinating how-“ Grace continued on talking, moving his hands around wildly.
Simon loved listening to Grace talk. He loved nothing more than the sound of his angel's voice telling him all sorts of things, no matter how mundane or complex the topic. But this felt… different.
His eyes didn’t stay fixed on any one thing, bouncing around and only landing on something for a few seconds before looking at something new. His hands gestured around wildly, as if moving just to move. His speech lacked its usual control, the words tearing out of him as if they feared being locked away. This all was different not only from the Ryland hes known this past year, but even from the one who was struggling to get out of bed every morning for the last week.
Tuning back in, Grace was still frantically gesturing and talking.
“Ry.” He was still talking.
“Ryland.” He was gearing up to go into another tangent.
“GRACE.” Silence.
“W-what… you don’t, ever call me that… are you mad? I’m sorry if I’m talking too much I was just excited about all of this and wanted to share it and I know I can go down different rabbit holes sometimes-“ Rabbit holes? What do rabbits have to do with this? Eh, that’s a question for another time.
“Ryland, light of my life, I am not mad. But I’m worried.”
“What? Worried? Why would you be worried!”
“You just went through a week of being more exhausted than I’ve ever seen you before, and now you’re talking as if it physically pains you to not speak. I love hearing your voice, you know that, but this feels different.” He took a deep breath, “Are you feeling okay?”
Grace seemed taken aback by the question, looking around and down at himself as if thinking hard on it. If he is okay.
“Um, yeah. Yeah, yes! Of course I’m feeling okay, I’m sorry if I scared you. I’m just feeling energized from all the rest I’ve gotten the last few days is all! I didn’t realize I was so all over the place,” he chuckles.
Simon pauses for a moment, contemplating what to say next. He wants to believe him, he truly does. But something in his gut is screaming that something doesn’t feel right, and his gut has never been wrong before. But he trusts Ryland more than anyone, more than anything. Even more than his own gut.
“Okay.. I trust that you know yourself best. But, if you’re not feeling okay, promise to tell me? Like you always say, we can always figure things out together.”
A small smile crosses Grace’s face. “Of course! I promise, although I do feel fine. I appreciate you asking.” He leans over the couch to give Simon a warm kiss that tasted of coffee- which reminded him, “Want some coffee? We can spend some time together, give you a break from the whiteboard for a bit.”
Yet halfway through what he was saying, Grace was already turning back around to the whiteboard and writing down some more numbers and notes. “No thanks, Si! I’ve already had 2 cups and I need to run to talk to Rocky before class today!” oh.
“Are you sure? It’s still pretty early and I think it’d be nice to-“
Rushing out of the room to grab his cardigan, he was nothing short of a whirlwind. “Yep! Gotta get going, love you!” And he was gone.
Simon looked over at the two coffee mugs and thought to himself how sad they looked, empty and forgotten.
Rocky is worried about Grace.
It had been a few weeks since the whiteboard conversation, but it was not the last time Ryland had been acting odd.
Simon was tending to the garden when he heard a few musical notes ahead of a greeting, “Hello Grace-mate.”
Rolling his eyes, he calls out, “Rocky, you know my name. Shouldn’t you just call me that?”
“Mmmm no. Name Simon stupid. Name Grace-mate much better, statement.”
Well, he couldn’t argue that. Grace did make everything better.
“That’s fair. But you don’t usually just swing by to call me such nice things.” He stands up, brushing soil off his hands onto his pants. Walking closer to Rocky so they wouldn’t have to shout. “What’s up?”
Rocky is still and silent for a few moments, which is immediate cause for worry since neither of those things ever happen. “Rocky feel… worry, statement.”
Well that’s new. “Worry? What has you worried?”
Rocky taps his claws together a few times. “Grace worry Rocky.”
Oh. Oh no. He looks at where he feels Rocky’s eyes would be. “Tell me.”
“Grace tired for long time. Then Grace excite for short time. Not normal excite, big excite. Move around much, Rocky hear heartbeat go up up up. Grace quiet and sit very still sometimes. Then Grace get sad sad sad. Rocky hear Grace cry, even when Grace try hide.”
Over the last few weeks Simon has noticed some of these patterns in Grace’s behavior. He’ll have maybe a week of his really tired days, then a day or two of a burst of energy, then a few days where he seems more balanced and even. And the cycle repeats.
“I see.. so you’ve noticed it too then? How he’s been changing?”
Rocky stomps his feet a few times. “Grace-mate notice and not say something. Why, question.”
“I’ve tried bringing it up a few times, but he insists he’s okay. I want to trust that, but.. I don’t know. I’m not sure what’s going on with him.”
“Rocky no see change to cause behavior. No cause, statement.”
Simon thinks back to what could be causing these behaviors. Their respective work and hobbies were good, they had friendships with Eridians to give a support system, their relationship itself has been blossoming wonderfully. Simon has never been so happy.. but what could be holding Grace back right now?
Thinking back on any changes that happened recently… “I know! The vitamins Ryland was taking. He said he finally ran out of them and he might have some small side effects but that it’d be nothing major. I tried to bring up asking you and the team to make more but he wouldn’t really hear me out. I didn’t want to push too much when he seemed really upset by it.”
“Simon stupid.”
“Yeah yeah okay, anyway. You think maybe you can look into the vitamins, maybe try to make them? I know it was 3 different ones if that helps.”
“Rocky check Haily Mary. Find information in computer, bring to Eridian team, help Grace! Rocky help Grace more than Grace-mate. Rocky disappoint, statement.”
“Yeah yeah, you take all the credit, sure,” rolling his eyes, again, at his lovely star’s best friend, “just let me know what you find. Then we can tell Grace if we’re able to make more.”
“Plan good, statement.”
Grace is starting to worry.
It happens what feels like overnight.
He went to sleep feeling fine, standard, a-okay, n o r m a l.
But then he wakes up to the familiar strangeness of a low. His skin is crawling, his bones aren’t sitting right, his eyelids feel weighed down. He drifts in and out of sleep, but does so without getting any actual rest. Every day tasks cost him more energy than usual, and the time he spends “resting” seems to drain him even more.
He knows his symptoms. His lows make his brain feel static and the pressure of life around him digs into his skin a little extra. And he knows how to identify an approaching high just as well. It always follows his lows around the six or seven day mark.
He knew it was coming with the ending of his meds, he just didn’t account for becoming reacquainted with before-meds-Grace while on an alien planet, after meeting the love of his life, and feeling happier than he ever has before. How can he still feel so low when he has so much to feel good about?
Does he miss earth sometimes? Sure. The feeling of being trapped in a limited space gets to a person! And he misses fast food on occasion. But he wouldn’t change a thing about what happened. Rocky and Simon meant more to him than any free range area or burger ever could. And of course the healthcare system wasn’t good but he at least had access to medication. Being light years away from Earth doesn’t exactly allow for the chance to get his hands on what he needs - and what he needs is his antipsychotics.
Well, wrong. He doesn’t NEED them. He's done so well all these years, then obviously he was probably just not equipped when he was younger! Other people always told him he was too sensitive and took everything to heart. They probably weren’t even lows, like his psychologist coined them, but him just being too sensitive.
But, what if he started being too sensitive again? Simon has only known him like this. Dependent and cheerful, able to support him through his adjustments to his new life. Rocky has only known him as someone brave, a savior of the stars. What if he can’t keep up the facade of being a well-adjusted, emotionally regulated person? His therapist used to tell him he was too self-aware and needed to feel his feelings more, but he can’t do that. If he feels them too much then he’ll crumble. He doesn’t know how to be strong, he can’t be brave through this. He’s no savior, he’s not reliable, he’s a failure. He’s a coward, a fraud. He doesn’t deserve to exist in such a wonderful reality, he hasn’t earned the happiness he feels. Felt? Feeling? He doesn’t know anymore.
He feels like a worn down puppet whose strings have finally snapped. He drags himself to bed, crawls under the covers, curls up, and hides away from everything.
The world can go on without him.
-
He comes back to consciousness hearing a voice call out, “Angel?”
No no no, Simon can’t see him like this. He needs to get up, be present, be a person. He knows how to do that, how to pretend and play at being okay.
But he can’t, he just can’t. He can’t will his limbs to move, his voice to call out, or even his eyes to open.
He’s pathetic.
He hears shuffling noises come closer and closer, but still he says nothing and does even less.
The quilt is lifted up behind him and cool air meets his skin before he’s engulfed in warmth again. An arm loops around his waist and pulls him in to be a little spoon.
He feels a light press of lips to the back of his neck.
“My star.” Kiss.
No.
“My angel.” Kiss.
Pain pricks behind his eyes.
“Loveliest light of my days.”
The sob building in his chest breaks out and he can’t keep the tears at bay any longer.
He feels like all of his thoughts and feelings are leaking out of his body, he’s crumbling. But Simon holds him. He holds him so tight it feels as if that’s the only thing keeping him from falling to pieces, never to be pieced together again.
A string of reassurances, “I got you” “Shhh my love” “I’m here,” are whispered into his ear. As he cries and cries he can't help but think, god how he loves this man.
It takes some time, but he finally comes back to himself. Wiggles his toes, turns his ankle, squeezes his thighs, squeeze his palms, flexes his biceps, and finally rolls his neck.
“Are you back with me, Ry?” Simon whispers, breaking the silence gently.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers back, voice breaking slightly from all the crying.
“Are you ready to talk to me about what’s been going on?” Simon asks, although his tone reflects the fact the this conversation is a bit overdue.
He takes a deep breath. He guesses it's in fact time to have a conversation he hoped he wouldn’t have to ever have again in his life.
“I have um, trouble, with my moods sometimes. I’m not sure how Eden handled mental health things but on Earth I have something called bipolar disorder, specifically type 2. I was well into my 20’s when I couldn’t keep myself together anymore and ended up going to some doctors. I figured they’d tell me that I was just being sensitive, like everyone always said, or that there was nothing of note. But instead I was told I had bipolar disorder and that medication and therapy was supposed to help me feel more balance. Over time I started to recognize the patterns of my moods and how to recognize the highs and lows. I had to go through some trial and error of trying medications, talking about my feelings and traumas, and just letting things run their course and find balance over time. For awhile I felt pretty leveled out, aside from the occasional blips in my moods, but overall I was doing really well for awhile.”
Simon sat with all that information for a minute, digesting everything that was shared. “... So, the vitamins you ran out of?”
Grace feels the embarrassment of talking about this intimate side of him trying to close his throat, but he pushes through. “Yeah, Stratt knew about my diagnoses and medications from my medical records and left a stockpile of my meds for me in the ship. But unfortunately she didn’t take into account that I may meet an alien species and live for significantly longer than originally planned. So, it ran out.”
Simon manages to pull Ryland over to be facing him now, nose to nose. “Angel, why wouldn’t you tell me?”
Grace feels a brief flicker of rage in his veins, but it quickly mellows out to frustration. He’s avoiding eye contact as he continues on, “Despite being privileged enough to find doctors and diagnoses and things that helped me, mental health disorders are still looked down upon and judged by others on Earth. People frequently assume that because you appear okay you must be faking things, or that there’s always something wrong with you. Everyone has always assumed that I can just handle everything myself, or if I’m not then I should be trying harder, so I was hoping that I’d be fine without it. Maybe I’d just relied on it too much for too long and I should just figure it out, you know?”
Simon lays his palm on his cheek, guiding their eyes to meet. “Ryland, listen to me carefully. Earth may have not have been kind to you, Eden may have fed anyone they considered troublesome straight to the soil, but guess what? We’re not there any more. Erid is our home now. This is our home. You are my home. And my priority, always, is to have you happy, healthy, and loved.”
Brushing their noses together, Simon leans in to press a soft kiss to his lips. Grace’s eyes flutter shut and he feels himself thawing out even further from head to toes.
Grace's eyes open and meets Simon’s again as leans back, no longer touching but still sharing the air.
“Ryland Grace, you are the brightest star in my universe, but I’ve seen you dimming,” he whispers. “Let me keep learning you, let me be here for you.” He closes his eyes as a tear slips out. “Please don’t make me watch another star fade away.”
Grace wipes the tear from Simon’s cheek and crawls closer to tuck himself into the crook of Simon’s neck. “I don’t know, Simon. I don’t know what to do with myself right now.”
“That’s okay,” he pulls Grace in tighter, so there’s no telling where one ends and the other begins, “Rocky found information on Mary and told me he can recreate those pills you were taking. We can talk to him about that more, or we can see how things go. It's your choice, Ry.”
Ryland nuzzles further into Simon’s neck, hiding away from the conversation as he feels himself getting drowsy from the emotional weight of it all.
Simon nuzzles right back into his hair, “But you don’t have to decide now. We have all the time in the world. For now, let's just do this. Let's rest.”
So they do.
Grace rests in the safety of his home. The home he’s found not just on Erid, along the foggy beach or in this room, but here pressed against the skin of the man he loves.