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As long as he could remember, Aiden’s childhood had been pretty normal. Pretty good even. He had never been hit, and could always buy whatever he wanted thanks to his dad’s credit card. He was intimidated by his parents, but just as much as any other child was. They were a figure of authority after all. His childhood had been pretty normal. He was just too broken for any of it.
He had never been one to have many friends. Nor to have any friends, really. He was too broken to blend in, too shy to speak to people. His joyful act masked his brokenness, but even then, he was too annoying for anyone to appreciate him. Or to support him. Aiden Clark had always been a lonely creature.
So now that he had not just one, but five friends, he didn’t know how to act. So he just kept on being loud. Loud enough that the people around him would see him. But today had been too much. He got into a fight with Ashlyn after putting a zip-line between the wall and the bus. She had found that too childish, too dangerous. He had tried to joke it off, but this only infuriated her further.
“Can’t you take anything seriously?! We are literally surrounded by phantoms, we don’t need you acting like a goddamn hyperactive spoiled child!”
That had landed hard. He had fell quiet and stayed that way until the end of the shift. Not that anyone would have noticed. They were too concentrated on their fortifications to see the blonde sat on top of a random bus.
But those words still haunted him. It had been 2 hours since they had come back from the Phantom Dimension, and he was lying wide awake on his bed, watching the phosphorescent stars above him. He really was an egoistic brat, wasn’t he? He had fucked up once again. Once again, he was unable to be what people needed him to be. Maybe the others would have it easier if he wasn’t here.
His phone had been vibrating with numerous notifications that he had willingly ignored. He needed peace and quiet. He needed to be able to think this through, to find the answer and to be what the group expected from him. God dammit, why couldn’t he just be normal?
He didn’t realize he was crying until he felt the tears stain his cheeks. Why was he even crying? He hadn’t cried for years, and now, just because he got into a dumb fight with Ashlyn he was crying? She hadn’t even said anything openly hurtful, insulted him nor hit him. She had merely stated the truth. Yet somehow, he felt worse than the day his father had slapped him, telling him he was nothing but a failure and a dishonor to the family.
The tears were falling freely now, and his chest felt heavy, constricted. He wondered if the group was confused about his absence. Probably not. He was just pissing them off after all. The only reason they were hanging out with him was because they were stuck in the Phantom Dimension together. Otherwise none of them would stay around him, except for Ben, who would maybe stick for a bit. But only because he was family and didn’t have any friends. He knew it perfectly: if people have the choice, they would rather not frequent him. And he understood it perfectly: if he had the choice, he would probably do the same. Nobody loves an egoistic, broken and spoiled brat who can’t behave right.
There was a knock on his door. Which was odd, because nobody usually knocked at his door. When his parents needed something from him, which was a rare occurrence, they would just barge in. Plus, it was late at night. It couldn’t already be morning, right? He checked the time and it was, in fact, 2:30am. Who would want to see him at this hour?! Or at all, really.
He got up slowly, wiping his tears and went to the door. When he opened it, he was met with a familiar but surprising face: Ben’s. Ben was a heavy sleeper, and usually needed to sleep a bare minimum of eight hours a day. He had never been coordinated with the night owl that Aiden was. Yet somehow, here he was, standing in front of him.
“Can I come in?”
The robotic voice brought him back to reality. He gestured for him to come in and sit on the chair while he sat on the edge of his bed.
“-What is it?
-You haven’t answered the group chat since the shift. We were worried.
-Oh yeah, my bad, I fell asleep. Guess this adventure really wore me out huh?
-Were you crying?
-What? I just told you I was sleeping. The marks are probably from the pillow or something.
-A pillow doesn’t make your eyes red and watery.
-What do you want? Yes I was crying. Are you happy now?! I was crying like the stupid bitch I am!
-You're not a stupid bitch. And we’re here for you if you need.
-Well I don’t need your help! I’m doing just fine alone!
-You don’t look fine to me.
-So what?
-So I want to help you. And it won’t get better if you just keep hurting alone.
-You’re just gonna stand there and be like ‘oh, don’t cry, it isn’t your fault’?! But everything IS my fault! I just make everyone’s life worse by simply existing, cause I’m too broken to do anything else! So what should I do, great therapist?!
-Why don’t you try talking about your problems?”
The silence that followed that question was heavy and uncomfortable. It was the kind of silence that screamed to be cut, interrupted. But Aiden said nothing. He started bouncing his leg, the silence slowly creeping him out. However, he quickly noticed it, and stopped it. As he grew more and more uneasy, he didn’t know what to do with his hands anymore. He started fidgeting with the sleeve of his hoodie before stopping himself once more. After 5 minutes of silence, he couldn’t keep it anymore.
“-What do you want to hear?
-The truth.
-The truth is stupid and dumb, just as much as I am.
-It is how you feel about things. If something bothers you, then it is not stupid.
-I feel stupid. Like I should know what to do and how to act, and somehow I don’t. Like I missed the ‘How to be a functional human’ manual.
-Everyone has different views of how to act. It is not because you are uneasy in society that you are not functional.
-My parents seem to think that way.
-Then your parents are the dumb ones. They don’t even know you! They left you so often that they probably don’t even remember your birthday or your favorite color. They have no right of telling you what and how you should feel.”
The tears were prickling at Aiden’s eyes. He was desperately trying to fight them back, but he was losing that battle. Upon seeing that, Ben carefully bent towards him and put a hand on his shoulder. A single tear rolled on his cheek. He was trembling slightly, and the warm and comforting gaze that was directed at him made him finally break down. A sob escaped him as more tears flowed down his face. It felt wrong and comforting at the same time. Like he knew that he shouldn’t be doing what he was doing, and yet found comfort in it.
Slowly, Ben rose from his seat before sitting next to him on the edge of the bed. Then, he engulfed Aiden in a hug. Usually, Aiden felt uncomfortable with hugs, but this one was unusually and oddly comforting. It was comparable to being in a sphere of pure warmth and comfort without any judging, only acceptance and understanding. Ben understood what Aiden was going through, and was helping him in the same way Aiden once did. They were more than mere cousins. There were brothers united in suffering. Secretly, Aiden hoped that time would stop its course, and that this instant would continue forever.
He cried in Ben’s arms during at least 30 minutes. Never, at any point, did Ben try to interrupt him, even though his shirt was wet with tears. Aiden was infinitely grateful to him, over that simple fact. He had gotten too used to being yelled at every time he was sad and expressing it. With Ben, he could be whoever he wanted to be, whoever he was deep down, without putting any mask on.
Finally, Ben moved to grab his phone, and contrarily to what Aiden thought, didn’t use it to speak. Instead, he showed him the group conversation that occurred after the shift. It was full of small messages, ones asking if they were OK, others if there were homework for the next day. It was then that a message caught his attention.
°Has anyone seen Aiden? He was acting weird, and I haven’t heard of him since.°
Ashlyn was the one who wrote this message. The Ashlyn who had snapped at him for being too loud. The Ashlyn who was always sour, whose smiles were more rare, and special, than rainbows. The Ashlyn who was now openly expressing concern over HIM. Aiden Clark. He felt a pang on his chest. Yet it was different from the one he experienced from being told to quiet down. While the hurt had been painful, made him feel dumb, and want to curl up in a ball in a corner to disappear, the second one came with some hope. The hope that maybe she cares.
The following messages were all expressing concern towards Aiden, by the fact that he didn’t answer anyone, when usually he would be annoying everyone through the screen. Asking if something had happened. Asking if they could check on him. Finally, Ben saying that he would come to check, interrupting his sleep-over at Taylor’s.
Aiden was at a loss of what to say, of what to think even. He obviously felt bad for making everyone worry and ruining Ben and Taylor’s sleep-over, but the feeling that the whole squad worried about him, cared about him, intensified the hope that had bloomed with Ashlyn’s message. What had started as a small spark had now multiplied tenfold, becoming a warm fire sat in his chest. After the comforting and calm moment he had shared with his cousin, Aiden started to want to see his friends, in particular Ashlyn. He wanted to apologize, to tell her how stupid he had been.
Yet, something still refrained him from doing so. After everything, he was still scared to show like that. Raw, unfiltered, just him. The pure truth, with no mask on. He was scared that the sight of the broken boy he was would make his friends flee.
“They won’t judge you.”
This statement snapped Aiden out of his stupor. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Ben moving to type on his phone. He was awakened by the robotic voice. He was wondering what he meant with that. Surely his cousin couldn’t possibly have understood everything going on in his mind just by looking at him? Instinctively, his hands found the ends of his sleeves and started tugging at them.
“I mean that they won’t judge you for being yourself. They are your friends, and they all want to know the real you. It doesn’t matter if you consider it stupid, ugly or broken. They want to know you. Not the mask you’re pretending is you. And they won’t leave. They want you to feel safe, to feel good.”
Aiden was unable to speak. The words were all jumbled in his head, and he was scared. Even after everything that Ben had said, and even though he fully trusted him, he couldn’t help but feel stressed. It was as if his chest had tightened, and he was paralyzed. He continued to tug at his sleeve, unconsciously trying to get some tension out. His foot started to tap on the floor, and his breathing quickened. He didn’t know what to do, how to react, and he was on the verge of tears again. He didn’t even know what he was scared of; in fact, he was unable to think. Now more than ever, he wanted to curl up in a ball and make the world disappear. He wanted to be let alone in the dark, silent and empty void of nothingness. His hands were now on his ears, and he was rocking back and forth rapidly, tears streaming down his face and a small whine escaping his lips.
Ben didn’t know what happened. One second, he was encouraging Aiden, who seemed to be getting better; the other, Aiden seemed to be panicking internally, tugging at his sleeve and tapping his foot repeatedly. Ben much less knew how to react. Although he knew his cousin well, even considering him like a younger brother of sorts, he had started to live with him less than six months ago, and had never seen him act that way. He could only watch as tears started to stream down his face, then as his hands left his sleeve to press hard on his ears. Aiden let out a whine, constant, that covered the sound of his ragged breaths. And, on the same rhythm as the tapping of his foot, he rocked back and forth, rapidly, almost aggressively. Ben was now officially panicking. While he knew how to control the situation before, this was totally new. He tried to touch Aiden’s arm, but this only made him tense up more, rock faster and whine louder. When he tried to talk via his phone, he didn’t get any reaction whatsoever.
Scared, he went on the group chat and sent a text, asking for help. The others were all in Ashlyn’s house, and arrived less than a minute later. They entered out of breath, and slammed the door in their hurry. Unfortunately, this made Aiden flinch and curl up in a tight ball, while continuing his rocking and whining. Ben signed them to be quiet, but five inexperienced and panicked teens would obviously make noise.
To Aiden, it felt like noise was everywhere. A simple breath was reverberating and unbearable. The sound of opening drawers and shuffling through them felt like nails on a board, and it just seemed to be everywhere. His head was hurting, both from the inside and the outside. Something touched him. Suddenly, without warning. It was as if he had been slapped and burnt all at once, with the stinging of the contact persisting. As he was touched, he had jumped up and hid himself in his closet. It was dark in there, and there were lots of soothing textures surrounding him. No one to touch him. It would be perfect if only it was silent.
Taylor hadn’t meant for that to happen. When they couldn’t find any of his stupid Rubik’s cube, she thought she could touch him, to snap him out of it. He hadn’t expected Aiden to jump out of his ball while slapping her hand away, before running to the closet. Everyone was stressed, but this was the last straw.
“-Are you stupid or what? Why would you do that?
-I thought it would help!
-Well yes, OBVIOUSLY it did!
-And what did YOU do now? You were just standing there the whole time!!
-At least I didn’t make everything worse!!”
What started as an altercation between the twins soon escalated into a full-out war, with everyone talking over each other and screaming to be heard. By now, everyone had forgotten about their first and main problem. After yelling at the twins to shut the fuck up, Ashlyn exited the room, overwhelmed by the noise, and was followed by Ben. Logan was trying to calm the twins, who were now yelling at him too. In the midst of it all, Aiden was still very much distressed and overwhelmed, hid in his closet.
He felt like he was about to explode. Everything was so loud. The burning sensation from earlier still hadn’t died out, and he wanted to claw his skin off. He was hitting his head and tugging at his bangs with one hand, and touching his favorite sweater desperately with the other. Tears were still flowing out of him. What was at first a low whine had now evolved into a cry, and his foot was back on thumping. He felt like a child getting yelled at by his parents.
Finally, Logan took matters in his own hands.
“Can we all calm the fuck down?! We were here to help Aiden and now the only thing we accomplished is a fight between the five of us and make Aiden hide in his closet. Ashlyn and Ben needed to get out because of your yelling, and I don’t even wanna think of Aiden’s state when he was already sensitive to everything. So now, could we please take some minutes to calm down and think of how to help our friend, please?”
At these words, the twins stopped fighting as a look of realization washed upon them. They only now understood that by reacting the way they had, they had made everyone escalate into fighting and violence, taking the situation to the worst point they could have. They decided to go join Ashlyn and Ben to apologize and think of a plan while Logan watched over the closeted Aiden.
Finally, the calm had came back. Aiden was still in the closet, but he wasn’t hitting himself anymore, and was just lightly pulling his hair. He was now principally exhausted. He didn’t want to think about anything that had happened. So, he lied against the closet’s door with a sweater as a pillow and drifted off to sleep.
Ashlyn, Ben and the twins came back in the bedroom about half an hour later. They had decided to let Aiden be, while always having someone awake just in case. That way, when Aiden would feel better and ready to come out of his hiding place, he could. But he wouldn’t be forced into doing it. They took turns of an hour each, starting with Logan finishing his turn. Then came Tyler, Taylor and Ashlyn.
It was nearly 6:30am when Aiden woke up. He didn’t remember much from the night, expect talking with Ben, crying and getting overwhelmed. How and when did he get in the closet? He didn’t have a single idea. Still, he decided to open the door. He was met with the sight of his cousin sitting on the bed. He looked exhausted to say the least, but his gaze softened when he spotted Aiden.
°Hey, how are you feeling?°
They had both taken ASL classes and it came in very handy at the moment, as Aiden didn’t feel like he could talk.
°Tired. Like a lot happened yesterday and I can’t remember it.°
°A lot did happen yesterday. How much do you remember?°
°Talking with you and feeling very anxious.°
°I don’t know exactly what happened after. You just stopped to answer, tapped your foot and tugged at your sleeve repeatedly. Then you put your hands on your ears and rocked back and forth. You were crying too. I panicked and called the others. We didn’t know what to do, and Taylor touched you. You swatted her hand away and ran to the closet. Then we had a huge fight with everyone, before finally calming down and going to sleep with someone watching over you at all times.°
°That is a lot. I’m starting to remember bits of it here and there.°
°How do you feel about what happened with Ashlyn yesterday?°
°I think I can go apologize to her now. Well, maybe not right now, but you get it.°
°That’s good. They’re probably gonna wake up soon.°
And so they stayed in comfortable silence for the 20 minutes they had left. Aiden was still very much anxious about the heavy talk they would no doubt have to hold with the group. And even he had no idea of what had happened. But for now he was safe, and with his cousin by his side he knew that everything would be OK.