Chapter 1: Can I play your guitar?
Chapter Text
“Woah, Lin, your room is so much cooler than what I thought...”
“I know, right? Honestly, I was expecting something worse for a dorm, at first. I couldn’t decorate exactly how I’d like to, but it’s already looking nice.”
“Yeah, it seems like it turned out pretty good. But since it’s so nice here, now I’m curious about what your room looks like, at your place.”
She chuckled.
“Believe me, you don’t want to know. It’s a complete mess. Posters, vinyls, sticky notes… everywhere. And I’m only talking about what’s on the walls.”
I smiled softly, already imagining her ‘mess’.
“Sounds lively. I mean, lovely.”
She nudged my shoulder playfully.
“You’re not funny…”
“No, I mean it. I think I’ve seen bits of your room in your little guitar cover videos. It looked so cool I was almost jealous. Or maybe it was here? I don’t remember. You have a guitar here, right?”
“Yep. Right there, in the corner. She’s my baby.”
“Haha, so you treat your guitar as if it was a woman too? It’s funny how all guitarists do that.”
“Totally makes sense. I mean, why would a man be there?”
I snorted, and approached the guitar, looking at it more closely.
“Right, you’ve got a point. Say, can I play your guitar for a bit? I promise I won’t hurt your baby.”
“Hm… alright, okay. But only because you know how to treat a girl right.”
I smirked, and picked up the instrument carefully.
“...Got your tuner?”
“Uh… I think I’ve left it somewhere… Give me a second.”
I watched her rummage around the room, a soft smile plastered on my face while I was leaning on the guitar.
“Ah, found it. It was on my nightstand. I always think I’ve lost it, until I find it in the most random places. I’ve got my capo as well, if you need it. Did I tell you about that one time I found my capo in-”
“The shared kitchen?”
“...Oh? I had forgotten about that time. That was a while ago… It was my flatmate who found it. No, this time I found it in the bathroom. But it’s funny that you remember these kinds of silly stories about me.”
“Yeah…”
I tuned the guitar silently, and put the capo on it. I did a few warm-up exercises, before playing the first song that came to mind : Sparks by Coldplay. I didn’t sing, just played. I messed up a few notes, but kept going anyway. Lin was watching me the whole time, silently as well. She only spoke when my fingers stopped, only to mess with a few strings from time to time to play bits of other songs I remembered.
“It’s nice to see how you really play. I mean, it’s kind of the unrehearsed version of the song covers you post.”
“You think so? Because it’s usually more chaotic behind the scenes. I can only play Sparks correctly because I almost know it by heart, since I used to play it a lot.”
“...Me too. We really should play it together, one day. I could even play the bass part .”
“Yeah… I remember the time we talked about that. Your bass is at home, right?
“...Mhm.”
“...Another time, then.”
I placed the guitar back on its stand, and sat on her chair in front of her desk.
“Say, Lin…”
“Hm?”
“Your dorm is really cool, but… doesn’t it feel lonely, sometimes?”
“Uh… sometimes, but you know… I always have to study a lot here, so time goes fast without me realizing. And sometimes I have my friends over, to study together or just hang out. It’s fun.”
“I can imagine… I remember your videos with your friends here… What about your flatmate? Is she your friend too?”
“...Kind of? She’s really nice, and we get along well. She did me a lot of favors.”
“I see,” I replied mindlessly, looking away as a strange silence settled in.
The silence stretched on, until she sat on her bed to look at me, trying to understand why the mood shifted so suddenly.
“...You’re okay?”
I finally looked back at her with a reassuring smile, somewhat a bit forced.
“Yeah, I am, don’t worry. Though I think I should head home. It’s getting late, and you know, I haven’t got a lot of trains available to get home quickly… You probably still have got a lot to do, anyway. But I’m glad to be one of your privileged friends who got to see your dorm.”
“But wait… You’ve barely been here for an hour. You can stay a bit longer, if you want. And I’ve got nothing to do, right now. So… Unless you really need to leave…”
I hesitated.
She saw me hesitating, then moved closer.
“Aliyah… Did I do or say something wrong?”
“No, no, of course not. It’s not you… I really enjoy spending time with you.”
“...Then what’s up?”
“I just… I don’t know. I… We haven’t seen each other a lot in real life, and… It’s our first time hanging out in private…”
“...What about it? I know it’s a bit awkward, but…”
“It’s not that… It’s… being with you, like that… It just revives some… questions.”
“What kind of questions? You know you can tell me.”
“No… I don’t think you want to talk about it again.”
“...About what?”
“...About what happened. The reason why we’re friends again. We made up a few months ago, and I’m glad we talked it out, but… I feel like there are so many things we left unsaid… Things that can’t be said over text. We moved on like nothing happened, but…”
“...But you still need to talk about it.”
“...Yeah. I felt like you didn’t want to bring it up again, so I didn’t say anything, but the truth is… I want us to be honest with each other.”
“Right…”
“So… Can I talk to you honestly?”
Chapter 2: Can I talk to you?
Chapter Text
“So… Can I talk to you honestly?”
“... Yeah. Come here.”
Lin patted the space next to her on her bed, beckoning me to come closer. I did so, but made sure to leave enough space between us.
“I don’t even know where to start…”
“Just say the first thing that comes to mind, Aliyah… I won’t judge you.”
With her reassurance, my first question came out by itself.
“What am I to you, then? What… What are we?”
She froze, taken aback by my bluntness. I immediately regretted it, and tried to cover it up with something else.
“Wait, no, you don’t need to answer… Not now. You know what? I’ll… I’ll start again. From the beginning. I will…”
“Aliyah… You don’t have to…”
“I have, Lin. I feel like if I don’t do it now, I’ll stay in the dark forever. And by being too afraid to lose you, I might lose myself.”
She finally understood how important that talk was for me, so she let me speak, listening with a somewhat concerned look on her face.
“We’ve known each other for over a year now. When we first started talking, I was freshly out of a… difficult period for me. I was starting to appreciate life again, to be confident with myself, enough to take up playing guitar again and make videos. And to be honest… talking to you was a sort of blessing. Because… What were the odds of meeting someone who lived in the same area as me, who shared all of my main interests, in a place such as a social media platform?”
“That’s… true.”
She couldn’t help but smile a bit. That made me smile as well. Then I remembered the point I was trying to make.
“Your messages and the videos you sent me really lit up my days. I was really looking forward to talking to you everyday.”
“It was the same for me, you know?”
“...Really?”
“Yeah, really. I think I’ve already told you how much of an amazing person you are, Aliyah. I’m really glad I’ve met you.”
“Of course. Me too… but you know that’s not all. After the summer, you grew more distant, and I knew something was up, but I couldn’t point it out.”
“Yeah, I know. But I explained why, the other day, when we made up... I was in a relationship, that was really toxic, and she was probably jealous of you too, so-”
“I know you told me,” I interrupted unwillingly. “But what I want you to understand right now, is how in love with you I already was back then. All the things I had already done for you… it was crazy. I was crazy about you. And that’s what I meant when I said that I wasn’t doing okay at all when you completely ghosted me. For three months… I couldn’t live it down. I couldn’t move on because I missed you and I had no idea why I had no news from you. It was… very hard for me… I hope you know that…”
My eyes started tearing up, and I tried to contain my voice. Lin was looking down, her guilt washing over again.
“I can imagine… And I’m so sorry for that… You don’t know how much…”
I paused, feeling a bit guilty for bringing up such an upsetting subject again. I raised my hand slightly in order to comfort her with a small gesture, like a pat on her shoulder or her back, but stopped myself, wiping my tears instead. What if I was crossing a boundary?
“I didn't mean to make you feel bad again, I just… wanted to let you know.”
“Yeah. I think I know now…”
“...Like I told you the other day… I’ve never felt so close to someone… Especially someone I first met on the internet. Someone I had only met in real life once. I felt like I knew you, but at the same time… I didn’t. I wanted to know you better… Until I couldn’t. That’s what hurt the most.”
After a long sigh, I spoke again.
“But talking to you again after this… it felt like I had received a second blessing. A second chance.”
She finally looked at me again, surprised.
“Aliyah, I’m the one who has been given a second chance. After I’ve hurt you with my silence, I thought you wouldn’t want to stay in contact with me, or even reply to my apologies… Because I would have deserved it.”
“Yet here we are… And I don’t regret giving you that chance again. It took me some time, but even though I didn’t forget, I think I’ve forgiven you completely. I’ve seen the effort you’ve put in being a better friend, and trying to communicate more. I really appreciate that, Lin. It means a lot to me,” I said with a soft smile.
“Thank you…” She replied as she returned my smile.
We sat in a more comfortable silence, that Lin broke not long after.
“Still… There’s something you need to know from me, right? Or else you wouldn’t have brought this up. Because your first question… about what you are for me…
“Yeah… Right. I asked this because… I remember that when we had that long conversation a few months ago to even things out… I clearly said I had feelings for you almost from the beginning. You said that you had started to see me as more than a friend, that I was growing on you despite the fact that you were in a relationship… But… What about now?”
She looked at me for a second, then away for another. I continued before she could say anything.
“...If that wasn’t obvious enough… I still have feelings for you. I think… I never stopped loving you. I just learned to tone it down and stop being crazy about it while you were gone… But when you came back into my life, I had time to reassess those feelings. And now I think that no matter what your answer is, I’ll accept it. All I hope for is that we stay friends, at least. Because I don’t want to lose you again. But… I still need to know where I stand. So, um, yeah. That’s all I needed to say.”
I unconsciously turned my head away from her, already bracing myself for rejection.
“Aliyah…”
“...Hm?”
“Aliyah, look at me.”
I turned around, back to looking at her.
“...Yeah?”
“Since you need a clear answer… I… I think I’m starting to have feelings for you, too.”