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Jack took a walk every morning when he wasn’t on shift. Usually with no destination in mind. It amazed him sometimes the people you could meet and the things you could discover when you weren’t looking for them. How the world around him kept turning no matter what. Even if you wished it would pause, just for a second — even if it felt like your own world was ending — it never did. There was something beautiful yet terrible in that. The way we leave lasting impressions in people’s lives, in their hearts, even if our footprints upon the earth are fleeting, swept away by the waves of time.
Today, he’d actually set out with a particular destination in mind if he could only make himself go there. He hadn’t been back since he lost Alice because it reminded him too much of her, but he’d woken up feeling like it was finally time.
He adjusted his sunglasses and smiled at the owner of his favorite cafe as she put the sign with the specials outside before continuing on his way. It was a beautiful day, and Jack hoped that was a good omen for things to come tonight. He and Samira were going on their third date, which felt momentous. He was taking her to one of her favorite restaurants, one he’d wanted to bring her to for a while, and call him old-fashioned, but he was planning to officially ask her to be his girlfriend.
He crossed the next street, and there it was. The green overhang was the same, maybe a little dustier, and the door the same dark blue. It was almost as if no time had passed and suddenly, he couldn’t take another step forward.
How can grief be measured? He’d never really been able to answer that question. In the empty spaces left behind, the lock of hair Alice insisted he cut before she started chemo — it took a long time to get used to not waking up with her hair in his face and he cried the day he realized her pillow no longer smelled of her — in the shavings of the scratch-offs they used to do on the hospital tray table? The shavings he’d found under his nails the day she died.
Alice would always smile up at him, when he presented the scratch-offs like an offering, and say, “I could use a little bit of luck. Just a little would be enough.” But it was never enough.
After her death, some days his grief felt bottomless, a constant ache in the quiet moments when he had time to miss her and other days, he forgot for a little while before something reminded him of her. Everything reminds reminded him of her.
But even as it faded — the pain chronic now instead of acute — the grief was always with him; Alice was always with him. He stared down at his now bare left ring finger, unused to the lack of weight there. He rubbed his thumb over the tan line and liked to think she was still with him now, cheering him on.
On their wedding day, he felt like the luckiest man in the world and when she got sick, it felt like he’d never be lucky again. To prove him wrong, Alice had him buy the scratch-offs every day and bring them to the hospital; lottery tickets were for days when she was feeling almost like her old self, able to sit up in bed and tease him the way she always had. He’d had to help her near the end with her coin, her hand frail and cold in his but still unwavering, yet he never stopped buying them. Not until she died.
Alice was the only one who ever won.
Experience made it clear to him that to love was to open yourself up to loss, to grief, but Alice was one of the most optimistic people he knew right up until the end. She’d patted his hand back then, quoted Tennyson, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” and made him promise to keep his heart open. She always said it was what drew her to him in the first place. “A good heart and your biceps didn’t hurt either.” Even now, Jack found himself laughing at the thought of it.
It might’ve taken years, but he’d kept that promise to the best of his ability. Kept his heart open to friendship, to his patients, to the beauty of the world and the people in it.
Until one person in particular made herself at home in his heart.
Jack didn’t know when his luck turned. Maybe it started when he’d met Samira Mohan for the first time and she’d smiled at him, exhilarated, after completing a difficult procedure and he couldn’t help but smile back. Her smile, her intelligence, her kindness, her everything drew him in and never let him go.
Or maybe, when she’d drawn him out of what he thought was quiet and well-hidden longing, slipping her hand into his on the roof and asking him, “Are you only ever going to stare or now that I’m an attending, are you finally going to say something?”
There’d only been one possible answer to that.
Their first two dates felt easy. A natural extension of the relationship they’d built over years together in the Pitt, communicating without words. In sync in a way he’d never been with anyone else. He’d resigned himself to an unrequited love, never daring to express his feelings, but somehow he was now the luckiest man in the world again. He couldn’t even fathom how he’d gotten so lucky twice.
That’s what brought him back to the shop where he used to buy all the scratch-offs and lottery tickets for Alice. Now, he only needed to go in.
Taking one last deep breath, Jack pushed open the door. The bell jingled and a familiar voice called from the back, “Just give me a sec. Be right with you!”
Jack hung his sunglasses from his shirt collar and wiped sweat from his forehead, while taking everything in. Just like the outside, the inside of the store seemed frozen in time. The aisles were in the same order and the counter had old magazines mixed in with new ones. Jack was busy tilting his head to try to read how old that particular edition of the New Yorker was when he was interrupted by a small cough.
He looked up and met the still clear eyes of the shop’s owner, who had to be pushing 90 if not 100 at this point. The man grinned at him. “Look who it is. Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Hi, Al.” Jack smiled back at him. Al had been kind to him in his darkest moments, always greeting him with a smile and sending him on his way with free coffee and extra scratch-offs hidden among the ones Jack bought. It was nice to see him again.
“You’re looking good, Jack. I missed seeing you.” Al paused before saying sincerely, “I was so sorry to hear about Alice.”
Jack swallowed hard and nodded. “Thank you.” He went to say something else, but couldn’t find the words.
Al only let the silence linger for a heartbeat before asking, “What brings you in? Not that I’m not glad to see you, but figured this wasn’t just for a visit, not after all this time.”
Jack breathed out and, under Al’s encouraging gaze, replied, “I’d like to buy a lottery ticket for tonight’s drawing.”
“Oh, yeah?”
Jack smiled. “Yeah, finally feeling lucky again.”
Al smiled back and seemed to hear all the words Jack wasn’t saying. “Huh, good for you. Alright then, want to do a quick pick or did you have specific numbers in mind?”
Jack adjusted the peonies in his hand as he knocked on Samira’s apartment door. It only took a few moments for her to open it and when she did, it felt like air was suddenly hard to come by. She was so beautiful.
She smiled at him, reaching out to take the bouquet from his outstretched hand. “Thank you for the flowers. You know you don’t have to bring them every time, right?”
When he didn’t answer, still staring at how her curls fell around her shoulders and the way the silk of her dress caressed her curves, she looked at him confusedly. “Jack… is everything alright? Do I look okay?” Hurt was encroaching on the edges of her smile, starting to turn her perfect lips down at the corners.
He hadn’t even gotten to the dinner portion of the night and he was already fucking this up. “Yes,” he assured her quickly, “You look beautiful. You always do.”
“Oh?” Samira turned away from him to walk back into the apartment.
“You take my breath away, Samira.” He followed after her. Like always. “Literally I guess.”
She put the peonies in water and turned to face him. He was glad to see she was smiling again. “Isn’t that a bit of a cliché?”
“I don’t really care. It’s a cliché for a reason, and I’ll tell you how beautiful and perfect you are every day if you let me.” It still felt good to be able to say that out loud instead of biting back the words every time he saw her.
Samira stepped closer and brushed her hand over his jacket before resting it on his heart. He knew she could probably feel how fast it was beating at her proximity. It belonged to her after all.
Samira smiled at him, almost at eye level in her heels. “Kiss me?”
She never needed to ask him twice. Jack leaned down and paused for a moment to breathe her in, before meeting her lips with his own. As Samira deepened the kiss, he followed her lead, kissing her hard. He could never get enough of her. His hands wandered over her back, lingering on the exposed skin there before settling on her hips and pulling her closer. A phone alarm interrupted them and Samira pulled back reluctantly, brushing one last kiss to his lips before pressing one to his cheek.
He savored the taste of her rose lip balm and wondered absently if she’d left a mark on his cheek before realizing he didn’t care. He cherished every mark she offered him.
She stepped away to go turn off the alarm. “I needed to make sure I was ready in time for our reservation.”
He nodded, watching her throw the last few things into her purse.
She looked up at him and smiled again. “Ready to go?”
“Might need a minute or two.”
He glanced down and Samira’s eyes followed, catching on the noticeable bulge in his pants.
“Really?” she asked. “I mean I’m flattered, but again? Just from kissing?”
“Sweetheart, I was hard almost as soon as I saw you. You don’t know what you do to me. That dress… The day I don’t get hard from kissing you will be a very sad one. Let’s hope it never comes,” he replied without any embarrassment.
Samira laughed. “Jack…”
“Just give me a little, baby, and then your chariot awaits.”
They somehow got to their reservation on time, even with the restaurant being outside the city.
The drive was worth it for the way Samira’s eyes lit up when he parked in front of it. He knew it was one of her favorite restaurants, but that she hardly ever went due to the distance. She’d only mentioned it once, but once with her was always enough.
Due to it being farm-to-table, the menu changed every time and it made him happy to watch her analyze the different choices like she was conducting research.
Now that they’d ordered, Jack enjoyed the comfortable silence as Samira took a sip of wine and, after dolloping honey whipped butter onto it, bit into one of the pita breads.
“Mmm, that’s so good. You need to try it.”
Jack went to reach into the bread basket before realizing Samira was holding hers out to him. He leaned forward and ate it from her hand, brushing his lips against her fingers while looking up at her. Her eyes were always beautiful, but something about them under the golden glow of the candle light made him unable to look away.
He pulled back with a smile. “It’s very good.” They both knew he wasn’t only talking about the bread.
He took a small sip of the only glass of wine he was planning to have tonight before going to speak. Samira beat him to it.
“Thank you for taking me here. I didn’t realize I’d even mentioned it.”
“You did a few months ago when Santos was asking for recommendations on somewhere to take Ellis.”
“And you remembered that?”
“Of course I did, sweetheart. You said it was one of your favorite restaurants.”
“We weren’t even together yet,” Samira said.
“Why would that matter? It didn’t stop me from bringing you your favorite coffee every shift, did it?”
She shook her head.
“I want to know everything you’re willing to tell me, Samira. Everything about you.”
“Everything?”
“I want it all with you, baby.”
“Jack, I… I do too.”
“Samira, do you want to go steady with me?” Jack tried to make himself sound like one of the classic movies on TCM he always threw on while doing stuff around the house. He wanted to make her laugh.
He succeeded. Samira’s laugh was lovely and one of his favorite sounds in the world.
“What is this, the 50s? Are you going to ask me to do the Twist?”
He laughed too. “You know what I mean, and just say the word and I’d be happy to dance with you.”
She smiled. “I do. And yes, I want to ‘go steady with you.’” The air quotes were evident as she spoke. She leaned in and laced her fingers through his on the table. He couldn’t resist caressing his thumb over her knuckles. “Jack Abbot, would you be mine?”
Again, there was only one possible answer he could give. “Baby, I’m already yours. I have been since the first day you smiled at me.”
“But that was —”
“Yeah, your first day,” he confirmed, looking down at their clasped hands. “I’ve belonged to you since that moment whether you’d have me or not.”
“Oh… Jack, you never have to worry about that.”
He looked up, met her eyes, and almost told her how much he loved her before remembering this was only their third date.
Saying it out loud didn’t really seem to matter anyway. He could tell she knew, and that was more than enough.
Both dinner and dessert were amazing, and as Jack drove them back to Samira’s apartment, she kept his hand in hers the whole way even as she dozed under his jacket.
After he parked, he looked over at her and smiled fondly. She looked so peaceful. Her eyes were still closed and if she wasn’t fully sleeping yet, then she would be soon.
Jack maneuvered himself out of the car and came around to the passenger side, opening it as far as it could go and leaning in to lift Samira into his arms. Her head rested on his shoulder and he brushed a kiss to the top of her curls as he carefully shut the door, locked the car, and started walking towards her apartment.
“Mmm, Jack…”
“I’ve got you, baby.”
He took his time, enjoying the feel of her in his arms and trying not to disturb her, but too soon for his liking, he was already in front of her door.
Before he could figure out how he was going to open it, Samira reached out and put her key into the lock.
“You don’t have to do everything you know,” she said sleepily in his ear.
“I know,” he murmured. It was still something he’d have to get used to again.
He closed the door behind them and followed Samira’s quiet instructions to her bedroom, laying her gently on the bed and carefully unbuckling and pulling off her heels. That done, he made sure her head was comfortably on the pillow as she shifted to her side before going to leave.
He was almost to the door when she stopped him. “Stay, please.”
“Samira?”
“Please stay,” she whispered.
“I can do that.”
He took off his jacket and laid it on the chair he could see vaguely in the darkness before taking off his own shoes and going to the other side of the bed. He carefully and quietly rolled up his pants, removed his prosthetic and placed it on the ground, before laying down next to Samira.
Before he could do anything else, she moved closer to him and reached back to grab his hand, pulling it onto her stomach. “Hold me.”
“Of course, sweetheart,” he said before whispering quietly, “As you wish.”
He turned to his side and pulled her close on top of the covers. She hummed contentedly and pressed her back further into his chest before seemingly falling asleep within seconds.
Jack felt warmer than he had in ages, his heart cracked open under Samira’s careful hands and hers in totality. When he fell asleep, it was the first time in a long time that he didn’t dream.
It might’ve been because his dream was already in his arms.
Jack woke with Samira’s curls all over his pillow, feeling like he won the lottery and unable to imagine being happier.
He smiled to himself. He truly was the luckiest man alive.
She was still asleep so he slowly moved away before sitting up to put on his prosthetic and get out of bed, noting at some point Samira must have gotten up and changed into pajamas. He’d been wondering where that shirt had gone for years.
He padded to the kitchen, trying to be as quiet as possible. The coffee maker must’ve been set to go off automatically because there was already a full pot of hot coffee ready.
He poured a cup for himself, adding a little bit of milk and sugar before sitting on the couch. It looked like it would be another beautiful day. He wasn’t sitting there long when he heard Samira start to stir. Jack headed back to the kitchen to make her a cup of coffee, just the way she liked it, and had it ready to go when she emerged.
“Morning.” She yawned and took the cup gratefully. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, sweetheart.” He said nothing more, knowing from experience that it took a bit for her to fully wake up in the morning.
“Can you put the T.V. on? I usually… watch… the news,” Samira said in between yawns.
“Absolutely,” Jack replied.
The T.V. was already on the right channel, so he settled back on the couch to watch. It didn’t surprise him when Samira came over to sit next to him, leaning back against his chest. He rested his free hand on her hip and brushed his thumb lightly over the exposed skin there.
The anchor went from a news report about the Pittsburgh Parallel Parking Championship to last night’s lottery numbers.
Jack took another sip of coffee and listened with half an ear, more interested in Samira tracing the veins on his forearms with her fingers.
The numbers sounded familiar as they were read out, catching his attention, and as the reporter read them again, he froze. Those were his numbers!
Samira’s birthday, the first day they met, Samira’s lucky number, and then Alice’s lucky number as the Powerball. It had felt fitting to include Alice in some small way.
He’d actually won the lottery! It still wasn’t sinking in. It didn’t seem real that everything could go so right for him. That his luck could turn so far in the other direction.
Samira shifted and turned to face him, noticing his shocked state. “Jack… what happened? Are you okay?”
He grinned and kissed her forehead. “Samira, how do you feel about taking a vacation? I think we just won the lottery.”
That woke her up faster than any cup of coffee. “What?!”