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Today is not Pistachio’s birthday.
Because that was yesterday, and today is the fifth of September. Yet, when he arrives at the institute, he finds an envelope and a small gift waiting for him on his desk.
Fear has always been a pretty consistent part of Pistachio’s emotional diet, but that doesn’t mean he particularly enjoys the paranoia that washes over him. His eyes dart around the empty office, expecting to find some new horror lurking in one of its corners, to no avail.
He takes a deep breath in a futile attempt to collect himself.
Should- should he open it? Was it worth the risk?
If Felix weren’t in hospital he’d be tempted to get him to burn it. Matcha crawls off his finger and onto the envelope, as if vey’re inspecting it for him. It definitely wasn’t from Sanctam; its surprisingly thoughtful gifts had been waiting for him in his flat. And to his knowledge, none of the other members of the tower had any particular interest in him. Other than Trojan. But he was pretty sure that Sanctam wouldn’t have let that happen, not after the whole kidnapping slash torture incident. Anyone else who would’ve known didn’t know where he worked. And none of his coworkers were supposed to know his birthday.
Elias, perhaps? He had written down a random date on his employment forms when he’d first been hired but that bastard seemed to know everything. Elias also happened to be the kind of bastard who sent employees to deal with the horrors on their birthdays. Not exactly the kind of guy you’d expect a gift from unless your name was Sage Buffone.
Well. He has certainly made worse decisions. He’d killed a child, for starters.
That had been a bad decision to top all others and perhaps the start of this whole mess, if his own stupidity wasn’t to blame. If he hadn’t done it then maybe Sanctam wouldn’t have told him about the Institute in the first place. Losing so many jobs had been another. Losing Giselle. Losing Lee. Leaving Pea to deal with the mess which was their family. And then ignoring her for almost a year. He’d let Sage get knocked out in that house in York. He’d also hurt Anya’s kid pretty bad. It’s not like he wanted to hurt children, mind you.
Yet he had still done those things. All of them. And all of them seemed far worse than opening some box.
Seeing no other alternative way to figure out who-or-what was to blame, he peels the envelope open after carefully extracting Matcha from it. ‘Have a Paw-some Birthday!’ is printed on the front of the card in a gaudy, multicoloured comic sans, featuring a tragically photoshopped picture of a dog wearing a party hat. It’s the kind of card you’d find at Card Factory for 99p. Not particularly menacing, although he supposes it wouldn’t be.
Dear P,
Happy Belated Birthday!
Apologies that this is late. I only found out yesterday. I hope you like the gift, and I’m sorry we didn’t celebrate. We should make up for it sometime!
With love, Eloise x
It does look like Eloise’s handwriting, at least. A sweeping cursive that by some black magic always remained neat and legible. But he still feels uneasy. She isn’t supposed to know. Who- or what- had told her?
The present is small in his scarred hands, about the size of his palm, and wrapped neatly in a leafy green paper. He shakes it cautiously before even thinking about opening it. The quiet noise of metal clinking together is muffled by the box. He frowns, once again deliberating whether or not this was a good idea.
He does trust Eloise but he’s still extremely sceptical and, honestly, quite uncomfortable. After all, he has no way of confirming whether or not this was really from her.
Inside could be some freaky, world ending artefact planted to land in the hands of the worst security guard on the planet. Or another thoughtful gift from Sanctam, just with xemself more in mind than him this time. Something to help him with some dumb fetch quest he's yet to receive a condescending text message about. Had it- had it managed to infiltrate the archives? If so he was so, so, fucked, and this was probably going to be the last job he would ever have. Not even because he was a shit employee, but because he would be either dead or stuck in some spiderweb.
Or what if- what if it was something that Eloise had been given to give to him by whatever asshole avatar was tormenting her and making her cut people’s limbs off? What if it was an eyeball in there, forever set on watching him? Some bizarre item that has the power to rot everyone's limbs off? Or make them forget more memories, or turn everyone into mindless balls of yarn?
He doesn't trust this. Not one bit. Yet if the Web knows one thing about him, it's that he's predictable. That was kind of the Web’s whole deal.
Sigh. Fuck this. Fuck my job and fuck my life.
Carefully, trying not to tear the paper, he unwraps it. This was going to be something horrible and world ending and he’s going to regret opening it. But he can wrap it back up and pretend he hadn’t opened it at all and then burn it himself. Sorry Felix, you’ll have to miss this one out.
It was a pair of earrings. Small four pointed stars, silver with little green gemstones in their centers.
Huh. Is metal burnable? He could melt them, he supposes.
Quickly he realises that he probably shouldn’t have shaken the box around so much. If they are an artefact all of the jostling might have some fucked up consequences.
Pistachio inspects them closely before touching them, holding the box close to his face and peering into it. If Gloria or Flynn walked in right now they would definitely think he was crazy, if they didn't already.
They’re… yeah, they do look like normal earrings.
Mercifully he doesn’t feel any sort of… horrifying, job-related residual effect when he picks one up. Though sensing the supernatural was less of his thing and more of…well, it would have been Giselle’s thing. If she were still here.
Nope! Not thinking about that today!
It was a nice gift but he was still caught up on how she knew. He couldn’t shake the dread. Sanctam knew his birthday, had xey really done this just to mess with him? Distract him from the absolute nightmare which was Pea’s whole situation?
If she had left it here presumably this morning, that meant that she was still in the building, right? It is a work day, after all. He groans. He doesn’t want to deal with this. But when did he ever want to deal with any of the shit he put up with?
On his way to Artefact Storage, Pistachio buys an overpriced can of Dr Pepper from the cafeteria. He chugs it as if it will magically make him feel better. It doesn’t.
Eloise has always been easy for him to spot. Her hair was always perfectly straight when she was in the office, compared to how messy it got when they were out on an expedition. She was turned away from the door and sitting at her desk, already working on… whatever people in artefact storage did. Paperwork, he presumed.
“Hey, uh… Eloise?”
She swivels around in her chair and looks at him sweetly. Her accent’s soft and she sounds happy to see him. “Ah, Pistachio. Good morning!”
“Good- good morning. I was just wondering, did you leave a, uuh…”
“Oh, yes! I did leave you a gift, I hope-”
“How did you know it was my birthday yesterday?” His voice comes out a lot colder, and a lot more fearful, than he had intended.
Her face flickers between a few things, too quick for him to pinpoint. Disappointment was definitely one of them. “I, well-”
“Eloise. Who told you?”
Her words are slow and deliberate. “No one- no one told me, I just-”
“Did- did someone hurt you?” Pistachio blurts, before realising how awful of an idea asking the question was.
She frowns, standing from her chair to get closer to him. She looks guilty, something that he notes has become devastatingly common for her. “I’m… I’m sorry, Pistachio,” she starts in a hushed tone, “I just… saw one of your friends wishing you a happy birthday yesterday when I had your phone. I… I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” After a beat, her voice wavers and the concern makes him feel ill. “I… why would I be hurt?”
“For. No reason at all.” He blinks.
Wait. Shit.
“Yooou- Eloise, did you go through my phone?!”
Her head shakes violently. “No! No, no, I would never, I just saw a notification. I’m sorry, it was an invasion of your privacy. I shouldn’t have done anything. You hadn’t mentioned it, and I wanted to surprise you, but you probably had reasons not to. I know some people don’t like celebrating, it reminds them they’re growing older, that time is inevitable…”
“Yeah, it’s… something like that,” Pistachio lies weakly.
“...No matter the reason, I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m sorry.”
There’s an awkward lapse in conversation whilst he’s working out what to say. Eloise is nervously chewing on her lip. And he likes her and doesn’t want to upset her.
“No, no, it’s- it’s fiiiiine, really.” He doesn’t sound very convincing but he continues anyway. “And I mean… the earrings are nice. Thanks.”
Relief floods her face. “I’m glad you like them. I can take them back and… surprise you with them another day if that’ll make you feel better?” She laughs awkwardly.
He laughs too, even more awkward. “Pfft. Nah, that’s… that’s stupid. I already know what they are anyways…” He breathes as he feels the question lurking in his brain. He doesn’t want to know the answer but knows he has to ask. Just in case. “Where did you get them, though?”
“A jewellery shop… Lovisa, I think it's called? They weren't too expensive if that's what you're worried about.”
It isn't, but he appreciates the sentiment. “Cool.”
Eloise nods, sobering up a little. “We don’t… have to talk about this now if you don’t want to, but, why did you think I was going to be… Hurt?”
Even though her eyes are kind, he withers under her gaze and looks away. “It’s. Nothing! You know how I am.”
“Sure.” She isn’t even trying to sound convinced.
Pistachio feels himself wither further. It’s not like he’d be able to tell her if he tried. Just thinking about the idea sends the caress of a spider inching down his back. He thinks about what happened to Sage, when Sanctam took it over. He- he doesn’t want that to happen to her, not with everything else she’s got going on. Keeping her safe was his job and she would be safer if she didn’t know. Simple as that.
“Aaaanyways,” he segues, “do you wanna get lunch together later?”
Eloise has mercy on him today and drops the subject. Though he knows she hates being in the dark about things, so she would definitely bring it up again. “Sure,” she replies, “Our usual spot?”
Said usual spot was a nice quiet corner of the cafeteria. Neither of them really had the money for anything else, even with his Babel hush Money.
“You know it, wifey.”
“I’ll pay for you today, think of it as an apology.”