Work Text:
Dazai stirred awake around 6 am that morning. The faint sunlight from his windows hit his face just right, warming him slightly. He had gone to bed early the previous night. He felt somewhat rested.
He sits up and rubs his eyes to adjust to the light now shining in his face. The numbness from yesterday is still there. It's odd.
Dazai gets up after sitting still for a while and makes his way to the small bathroom every dorm in the building has.
He washes his face with cold water in an attempt to wake himself atleast a bit more and stares at his reflection on the mirror. It doesn't really feel like he's looking at himself. His face looked just slightly off. He hadn't recognized himself in the mirror for days now. But it didn't really matter right now. There was work to deal with today. He could think more about it when he clocked out.
Dazai started his usual morning routine. He brushed his hair, got dressed and made sure he had his wallet, keys and phone with him. No breakfast, he hadn't eaten that in a while either. Breakfast had started making him feel nauseous and while ago now. Plus there wasn't much in the dorm to eat anyways.
Dazai made his way out of the dorms and began walking towards the agency building. It was still early, but he hadn't managed to go back to sleep either. He might just shock his co workers and show up early today.
While walking a blue shade caught his attention from a shop window. He stepped closer to the window to take a closer look at what seemed to be an assortment of different flowers. Must be a flower shop. He stood there staring at the flowers for a bit before walking inside the store. He wasn't exactly sure why the flowers drew him in, but he still had some time before his shift would start.
The store smelled nice. It was quiet. A calm atmosphere. He wandered around the store for a good while. Staring at different flowers and spacing out every now and then.
He had been staring at a specific bouquet for a good while now. The flowers made him feel something. He wasn't sure what. But something familiar. They felt calm in a somber way. Maybe it was the color. He knew blue was considered a calm color.
He located the worker with his eyes. "Hey, I'd like the purchase some of these flowers."
The worker turned towards him and smiled. "Oh, you must have really liked them if you're coming to get more of them so soon. I'll pack them up for you. Just wait a moment."
Dazai observed as the worker began bundling the flowers. That's right, this was the flower shop he usually came to, wasn't it? And those flowers... Blue sages and forget-me-nots. He'd bought a bouquet of them just last weekend to bring to Odasaku's grave. That's why they felt so familiar. He must be more tired than usual to be this oblivious to his surroundings.
Dazai eventually made his way to work, somehow a little late despite leaving the dorms an hour early. He let's out a a low sigh and puts on his usual playful smile before stepping into the office and immediately sauntering to his desk. He patted Atsushi on the head as he sat down. "Good morning, Atsushi~"
"Morning, Dazai. You're only 15 minutes late today." He answered as his eyes pinned on the flowers. "What are the flowers for?"
"Just thought I'd decorate my desk a little. You got me this nice vase last month and I thought I'd finally put that to good use." Dazai settled the bouquet in the vase. "You're always so thoughtful with your gifts, Atsushi. I can't just let them go to waste."
"You flatter me Dazai..." Atsushi responded as he blushed a bit in embarrassment. He still got flustered whenever someone complimented him on anything. Dazai found that trait of his very endearing.
Maybe this workday had started on a good note today? That thought was immediately interrupted when a pile of paperwork was placed in front of him.
"Kunikidaaa~ Are you trying to torture me here?" Dazai whines as he laid his head down on the desk.
"You're already a week late on reports. You've been slacking off even more than usual. You'd get it done in no time if you stopped fooling around all the time you know?" Kunikda answered him in an annoyed tone.
He was probably right, but Dazai could not muster up the motivation to start working on anything today. It wasn't like he'd get fired if he slacked off a bit. His abilities were way too useful for the agency. And they couldn't afford to have him as a foe.
Kunikida would just have to handle another day of him doing the minimal work possible. He was going to be annoyed by it for sure, but he'd get over it. If Dazai asked really nicely he could probably get Atsushi to handle another couple of the papers for him.
Finally around 5 pm, Dazai clocks out. Like for many days now, he and Atsushi walk back to the dorms together. Chatting about whatever on the way.
"Oh and that sushi place you recommend was great. Akutagawa loved it." Atsushi was kicking a rock on the sidewalk as he talked.
"Akutagawa? You didn't tell me you were going to the sushi place with him. I mean I already knew you two had been hanging out sometimes on the weekends, but I didn't realize you two were getting this close~" He was teasing Atsushi again. He obviously already knew the two had been 'secretly' dating for a while now. But he didn't want to pop Atsushi bubble just yet. The poor boy still thought they were being very subtle about it.
"W-wait did I say Akutagawa? I-I didn't mean to say that. That was just... just a slip up, really! I mixed up the names! Happens all the time, you know." Atsushi's face was flushed again.
He looked adorable when he was all panicked like this. Dazai couldn't help snickering to himself.
Dazai lets out a little laugh. "Oh I'm just teasing you. Don't get all hung up over it." He gave Atsushi a warm smile before stopping before a building. "And would you look at that. We've already made it back to the dorms."
"Yes. Well I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow then. Uh... try not to be so late next morning, maybe. Though I guess I already know what to expect from you." Atsushi says in a slightly more lowered tone as they make their way to their subjective dorms.
"You wound me Atsushi. To think you'd think such lowly things of me." Dazai put on his dramatic act again. "But... I guess I can try. If it'd make you happy." He gave Atsushi a wave before disappearing into his dorm.
"Ah, what a tiring day once again. I wonder if I have any food left here." Dazai chats along to himself while walking to the cabinet. There is exactly one can of canned crab left. Well that's gotta suffice for the day. He does not feel like going grocery shopping.
It wasn't a big deal. He's already quite used to going longer periods of time without food. He had promised to Kunikida he'd try to work on that... But it wasn't like he was intentionally starving himself again. He just didn't feel hungry so there was no reason to eat.
After he finished eating the cold grab straight out of the can he pulled out a bottle of alcohol from the other cabinet. This was also the last one left.
"Okay I really need to go shopping. I can do without food, but I do require my after work drinks to function." Dazai murmurs as he pops open the bottle. He'll drink straight from it. Better to not make more dishes when he doesn't feel like doing the ones already in the sink.
A few hours pass and the slight drunken feeling the bottle had given him was withering away. Dazai glanced at the clock. It's midnight. The tiredness from the day has disappeared.
After laying on the floor for a while longer he decides that doing something he has previously deemed as boring would actually be way less boring that just laying there.
Dazai started by picking up random trash from the floor. Jeez, it really had been a while since he had last cleaned in here. There were old bottles and food packaging littering the room. It wasn't like him to let dust build up. He usually took good care of his dorm being tidy. Recently he had just lost the motivation to do things like that. Unfortunately the room was starting to feel suffocating by now. So he was somewhat glad his boredom drove him to do basic chores for once.
Dazai took out two bags of trash, he vacuumed the floor, he dusted the shelves and even did the dishes that had been starting to pile up. By the end of it, he felt slightly sweaty. So he took a quick shower and took his clothes to the dormitory's common room where three washing machines were. Though the third one had been broken for months now.
While waiting for the clothes to wash he gazed at his now fresh bandages he'd put on after his shower. There hadn't been any blood stains when he changed them this time. He hadn't gotten injured at work in a while after all. And losing motivation to do things had seemingly had an effect on his self destructive habits as well.
Once Dazai got the clothes out of the washer and set up to dry in his room, it was only around 2 am. He still didn't feel like sleeping. He would have to pass the time somehow.
He pulls out his little suicide book. A little rereading never hurt anyone. That would surely make for a fulfilling all-nighter.
The following day, Dazai is messing around at his desk like usual. His eyebags had become worse, but it didn't seem like anyone had noticed.
The flowers he had bought the day before sat in their vase, still looking as fresh as when he bought them. That would probably last a couple more day before they began wilting. The blue shades felt oddly calming. He liked blue.
He didn't usually like decorating his desk space. It felt like too big of a commitment. But he couldn't just turn down that vase from Atsushi. He'd worked hard on it in that ceramics class he took with Kyoka.
The flowers on the other hand had been an impulse buy. He wasn't thinking clearly. But it wasn't like he had been thinking clearly in days. Atleast they were pretty.
Kunikida's voice suddenly snapped him out of his thoughts. He lifted his head up to look at the voice coming from above him. "Wha-" But his words are cut short as Kunikida pushes some letters in his hands.
"If you're not going to do any of your paper work, atleast make yourself useful by taking these to the post office." Kunikida orders in his usual stern work voice.
"Come on Kunikida~ I'm tired. Why must you insist on torturing me like this all the time. There's no way my legs can take me all the way to the post office. The weather forecast even said it could start raining." Dazai whines as he leans back on his chair and dramatically places his hand above his head like he's about to faint in some cheesy romance movie.
"I'm not asking you again, Dazai." Kunikda's voice became even more stern. (Dazai was not aware it could go that far.) As he slammed his hand down on the letters.
"Ughhh..." With that final groan, Dazai got up from his desk and picked up the letters.
"Fine, I'm going. But don't expect me back until lunch breaks over. I'm gonna go to that nice café down the street after delivering these." And with that he shuffled out of the agency building without saying proper goodbyes to anyone.
Atsushi watches as Dazai leaves. "Are you sure you weren't a little too rude to him? He's been acting kinda off recently. I'm a little worried about him..." Atsushi asks as he turns his gaze to Kunikida.
Kunikida lets out a sigh. "I know he's been acting odd. Yosano said some fresh air could do him good. But if you're concerned he's going to go off doing something stupid again, you can go join him at that cafe when your lunch break is over."
Atsushi gives him a nod. "Okay, that's good. I know I'm worrying too much. But you never know with him."
Meanwhile Dazai was making his way to the post office. It was quite the nice weather today. Maybe the forecast had been wrong. The sky only had a few clouds visible. It made his numbness his head was filled with feel more like regular calmness. Not really, but a little.
After finishing bringing the letters to the post office he decides to go have his lunch at some café just like he had told his coworkers.
~
How long had he been sitting in that corner booth now? His coffee was cold. He'd taken two bites out of the bagel he ordered and didn't feel like finishing it.
Dazai checked his phone to see that the official lunch time was supposed to start in 20 minutes. Had time really moved that slowly.
Well he had already told the others he wouldn't be back until after the break. Maybe a little walk would hurt.
The air was slightly chilly when he stepped out of the cafe and started making his way. The cold air felt odd on his face.
The sky was cloudy. They were darker than before. The sounds of people felt like static around him.
Dazai had decided to not worry about his route this walk. He'd go where his legs took him.
At some point he somewhat noticed the buildings around were starting to look less familiar.
These streets had less people. And the world around him began to feel more quiet.
His legs ached slightly. Looking at the sky the sunset was becoming more present. Had he really zoned out for so long?
He hadn't really planned on not going back to work. But he had still left his phone on his desk. It really wasn't planned. But he was glad he had gotten that urge to clean up last night. He wouldn't have wanted to burden the others with his mess after all.
The atmosphere was beginning to turn gray as clouds formed to cover the blue hues of the afternoon sky. Maybe the forecast was right after all. The find was beginning to feel colder against his skin. It sent shivers down his spine.
He stopped for a moment. His legs felt off. Was he shaking? He wasn't that weak. How long had he been walking by now? The buildings didn't seem that familiar at all anymore.
Dazai observed the area a bit before taking off with walking again. If he just kept walking in one direction, he'd find somewhere to rest his legs. Like perhaps the ledge of a bridge?
The only problem was that he kept spacing out. Was he even still going the same direction?
His hair felt heavy. There was noise all around him now. He was cold.
Dazai reached up to rub his eyes, in an attempt to make himself more aware. His face is wet. He's not crying right? No. He's wet everywhere else too. It's raining.
After just standing there for a bit, feeling the water seep into his clothes, Dazai makes his way into an alley that seems to have some coverage from the rain and sits on the ground.
Feels like his legs really needed this.
It wouldn't hurt if he rested his eyes for just a moment.
Just a quick rest.
~
Dazai awakes to a warm feeling on his lap. He looks down to see a blob of orange fur.
A stray kitten. It was purring. Poor thing must've been cold too.
Dazai slowly pettet the kitten. It pushed against his hand. Its fur felt so soft. It reminded him of something. Something old.
He sighs and pushes against the wall to steady himself up.
"Well I guess I gotta get home then. You're going to need a warmer place to sleep, little buddy."
"Now which way did I come from again? Shit, I can't even look up my location without my phone huh..."
So he had a cat now. That wasn't so bad. Some company at the dorms could be nice.
In the following days Dazai had tried remembering the full events that had ended with his waking up soaked in an alley near the docs, but his memories from the past few weeks were awfully foggy.
But does it really matter why he'd gone there, or why he had forgotten his phone at the office, or we he had done anything he did those blurry days. He was feeling more energetic than ever.
Maybe it was because cat food was cutting into his alcohol funds, or because taking care of his new little buddy had made him more active in the regular.
Maybe it didn't matter in the end.