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English
Series:
Part 1 of TF2 Headcanons But It’s Extremely Obvious Who My Favourites Are
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Published:
2026-06-05
Words:
1,119
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
4
Kudos:
21
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2
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214

what it would be like to date the medic from tf2

Summary:

…except i’m right and also better than everyone else.

Notes:

much love to all the tf2 authors out there obviously i dont think im better than you. i am right tho

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

  • now listen. people love this man. i know this. you know this. but you aren’t here for me to tell you he’s perfect. you’re here to learn the truth. and the truth is: he sucks. he sucks so bad. oh my god. does he love you? yeah, absolutely. with all his heart. does he give two shits about y— nope. he’s gone. he’s already out the door.
  • he never remembers if you planned a date tonight - anniversaries are out of the question. he will feel bad if you tell him about it, but his idea of a gift to make it up to you is, like, a jar with a pickled shrew in it. and it’s an extinct shrew. he tells you that with great excitement. this is a jar with a pickled extinct shrew in it. and you have to be like yayyy😁!!! just what i wanted!!! but like… where did he get this? how recently extinct is this shrew? was it already pickled? what the fuck are you supposed to do with this? shouldn’t it maybe be in, like, a museum or something? and if you even hint at the possibility that you might be thinking any of these questions he gets soooo offended and tries to take it back. and it’s like damn dude! i didn’t want the freaking shrew anyways! i wanted to go for a nice dinner with you! but now i have the shrew and by god i’m keeping it!!! and then he won’t speak to you for a week
  • quite possibly The most bisexual man ever to grace this earth. i know his college life was insane
  • also he was married once. that inconsequential tidbit, that small little detail gets mentioned offhand by the demoman of all people and you’re like what. what. and demo’s like aye back in the war he had a sweet yon wifey [unintelligible]. and then you ask medic about it and he’s like yeah lol we had a kid too. and you’re like WHAT
  • it is unlikely you ever find out the full story. you assume they’re divorced and/or she died for your peace of mind. the kid… you choose not to worry about it.
  • he’s SUCH a bitch and you fight constantly. he never does the dishes, never takes out the trash, opens doors and touches things with blood and/or goop all over his hands, and tries to gaslight you about incredibly mundane things for no reason. like he’ll wake up in the morning and be like Today i’m going to convince my girlfriend that the sniper’s van is blue. and i will go to great lengths to prevent her from visually confirming this. and i will make her think she’s a terrible person for even wanting to do so. FOR NO REASON!!!! or you’ll buy eggs and he’ll shell them all so it’s just a thin layer of membrane keeping the raw egg inside and then he’ll very carefully put them all back in the carton. and you genuinely cannot figure out why he’s doing this. does he hate you? is this some sort of joke that you’re just not getting?
  • (the answer, by the way, is that he needed calcium powder but didn’t want to buy it, but you don’t know that. also, that’s still stupid.)
  • and he hides things from you!!! you’ll be looking for scissors for hours, you’re absolutely certain that there are at least three pairs of scissors in the house, and then months later when you’re dusting the ceiling lights you unscrew one of them and find the scissors taped to the ceiling in there. why!!!!! why does he do this!!!!!!!
  • also if you ask him a question he thinks is dumb - and he thinks most of your questions are dumb - he talks down to you like you’re a small child. he generally makes it very clear that he thinks of himself as leagues more intelligent than you.
  • when you challenge this assumption by being more educated than him on something, it’s 50/50 whether he zones out and ignores you or gets really excited. if it’s the latter, you have about three hours of genuine, thoughtful, engaged medic who actually respects you before he goes back to sniping at you for wearing pants.
  • oh yeah - he doesn’t think women should wear pants. this is a rock solid belief, utterly immovable, origin unknown, bizarrely a core tenet that he holds dear in his heart next to Thou Shalt Kill and his doctor’s vow to Do Harm. oh, you can drink, smoke, swear, vote, drive cars; hell, you can become president for all he cares (he’s surprisingly progressive in a sense - men and women are equal, and medic is better. he’s an egomaniac, not a misogynist) but women should not wear pants.
  • he’s homophobic. “but isn’t he—” yes. “just because i like to have sex with men sometimes does not make me a faggot, ja?” you can’t tell whether he’s sincerely offended or just playing it up to mess with you, but he does kick you out of his office, so.
  • you’re pretty sure he’s cheating on you with at least one of his coworkers but to be honest that’s the behaviour that worries you the least. that’s normal. putting surplus organs in the fridge you use to store food is not normal.
  • all of this being said — he loves you. you are almost certainly the only living creature he wouldn’t run experiments on other than archimedes (tried and true enhancements only! want retractable toenails?) and you’re too big to get sewed into somebody without him noticing, so actually you have at least one point up on the bird.
  • ah… i’m being uncharitable. he does care for you and look out for you in his own way, it just happens to go largely unseen. he has everything set up to go to you if something happens on the field and he dies permanently. he’s thought about it a lot. on the flip side, if something were to happen to you where you got hurt, he would drop everything to get to you. he does, in fact, value your life over his living, and would even sacrifice his ability to continue his studies in a heartbeat if necessary. he thinks about you near-constantly when you’re not around. he sings your praises to others, extolls every virtue with glee to the point you sound almost superhuman. he thinks you’re funny, thinks you’re beautiful, loves watching your reactions because he finds your emotion is so captivating. he trusts you to be there for him even though he’s a terrible boyfriend and really, really annoying. he loves you — even though you wear pants.

Notes:

…but that doesn’t matter, he’s still awful and you should break up with him 💛

requests are more than welcome but fair warning it’s anyone’s guess whether i’ll actually do it. you should still send them tho teehee