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Abby walked out the room and took a breath. The day was still warm as the sun slowly fell towards the horizon, getting bigger and colouring the sky in purple and orange. Clouds were scattered and greyed out.
She crouched to tighten her boot laces and heard the faint sound of laughter coming from her left. Standing up she tried squinting her eyes against the sun, but the shapes got blurred as soon as her eyes started to water.
With the hint of a smile she turned to the other side and started walking down the pavemented path until it became beaten earth and gravel. Her boots thumped on the earth as she walked towards the small pond on the side of the building — where the sun didn't reach anymore and the temperature dropped imperceptibly.
She didn't see Ellie where she had left her, sitting at the edge of the pond tinkering with her gun. Abby hadn't really approached her, but she took note of her position not more than ten minutes before and her expression was puzzled for a moment.
Abby turned her head to her left, then right, scanning the area for any sign of Ellie before turning around completely upon seeing she wasn't there anymore. For a moment she thought of the people laughing. None sounded like her. There were too many places in which she could've gone and Abby scratched the back of her head, pulling at her slightly longer hair.
It reached her ears now and covered the back of her neck. Still she missed the weight of her braid like she missed a piece of her.
“It's gonna grow back”
Yes, Ellie had said that, and when she did Abby suddenly realised she had always known. She just thought she wouldn't live long enough to see it happen. With a sigh her head bowed and her eyes met the dirt road for the briefest second.
Tracks. She immediately recognised the partial print of a boot heading to her right, where the treeline started and the path narrowed down to a line that cut the small woods in half to a clearing on the other side. Abby's eyes moved instinctively to where the next print should be.
“Left boot, a little up the path” and there it was, an even smaller partial print. Just the hint of the heel but with a curved shape Abby would've recognised in the dark.
Taking in a breath she straightened her head as she walked down the path. The earth dried up as she got to the treeline and there were no more tracks in sight.
“Where the hell are you?” Abby thought as she ventured beyond the treeline and into the small woods. Scattered thin but tall trees half covered the darkening sky and Abby looked around as the path narrowed. She knew how to navigate the area and she was sure Ellie could only be in one spot.
They had been sitting and talking on the clearing beyond the wall of trees too many times already. Sometimes the silence was longer than the talking and it had a contour to it that she didn't like. She could see Ellie didn't like it too, so many times they ended up returning back talking about things that mattered nothing.
Abby didn't stop scanning the area all around her even if she was already headed for the cleaning. It was in her nature more than a conscious choice. Her fingers brushed her gun holster a few times for no reason at all and every louder sound got her slightly on edge — a branch snapping, a small animal rustling leaves, a bird flipping its wings too suddenly. They all could mean anything if her ears weren't already trained to distinguish them all.
As she reached almost half through the woods she suddenly stopped. Her head tilted just slightly as she tried to understand if her mind was playing tricks on her. Someone was humming, and she immediately recognised the voice. It was a song she had come to recognise, yet she realised only now she had heard it so many times before.
As Abby turned in the direction of the soft humming the wind picked up — creeping through the fabric of her shirt like a welcoming whisper. It wasn't cold, but against her warm skin it created a slight chill that made Abby's arms shiver.
Soon enough she saw who she was looking for. Ellie was sitting on a log and giving her back to Abby, who stopped for a moment. Ellie seemed completely absorbed in thought. Her head was tilted down and her arm was moving in a way Abby recognised as writing.
Something she couldn't name made Abby almost turn back on her tracks, as if she was about to intrude in a space that wasn't meant for her. She shook that lingering feeling off her shoulders and kept walking instead, but still part of her was cautious — her steps soft and measured like she didn't want to startle a deer.
“Ellie” she called, her voice low as she was almost behind the other girl and slightly smiled at the sound of Ellie's name on her lips. She couldn't help it sometimes.
Suddenly Ellie flipped the page and turned around. Her eyes were almost lucid and Abby was taken aback for a moment. Maybe she had made the wrong choice.
“Everything okay?” Abby asked, crouching behind Ellie and peeking around her shoulder. Ellie nodded and hummed a yes that didn't sound too convincing. Abby's lips pressed together and she stared at the grassy pavement for a moment.
“Do you… want me to leave?” She asked softly — her hand stopped resting on Ellie's arm.
“No” Ellie replied, barely above a whisper. She turned to look at Abby and the other girl moved to her right to be more in sight. She was still crouched and her head turned straight ahead for a long moment before looking at Ellie once again.
Ellie scribbled something on the empty page and Abby's eyes fell on it. She couldn't make out the words, and something told her she shouldn't have asked.
“Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?” Abby's voice was soft. It held that bit of concern she felt upon seeing Ellie was gone.
“Yeah, sorry about that” Ellie stopped scribbling and looked up at Abby “I kind of needed to think”
“Okay, I just got worried” Abby replied and tilted her head to the side “Just a tiny bit”
Ellie let out a huffed laugh that was cut short. She caressed the empty page with her fingertips and her lips pursed. Abby felt her chest tightening and tried to think fast of anything useful to say, but her lips spilled the last words she wanted to ask instead.
“What were you thinking about?” Abby closed her mouth shut as soon as she asked, turning her head ready to stand up and leave. She had no right to snoop so deep in Ellie's business, or so she thought.
“You wouldn't wanna know” Ellie shrugged and Abby's brows furrowed a little.
“You know you can… talk… to me…” her words were tentative even if she was sure of them. They were just a territory she hadn't fully explored yet and her guard was still high for any wrong word that could make it dangerous.
Ellie nodded, but her face was sad, not relieved or comfortable. Abby's heart picked up a pace she didn't like. It was too loud, confusing her thoughts when she wanted to concentrate on her words as best as she could.
“Just… not about this, I guess” Ellie turned her head towards the other girl and gave her a sympathetic look. When she recognised Abby's slight worry on her face her high walls crumbled just a little more. Abby's eyes were fixed on her like she was trying her best to guess and was terrified of getting it wrong at the same time.
Ellie let out a small sigh and looked at the empty page of her notebook. She slowly started to flip to the previous one as if it could reveal all the answers. Abby looked. It was the briefest glance, yet her heart threatened to stop in her chest.
She swallowed down the lump in her throat as she slowly stood up and approached Ellie from her back to stare down at the page below.
Beyond the brown tufts that framed Ellie's face was a sketch of a man she recognised too well. Joel's profile was taking the whole page — the details still missing and the lines still to correct didn't make him less recognisable.
Abby's face tightened as she tried not to think about the last image of him she had burnt in her mind. Broken and bloody and ugly, because of her. She was about to say something, probably something to excuse herself for having asked, before Ellie beat her on it.
“Do you think about him?” Ellie asked as her fingers grazed the page. Abby almost choked on her words as she tried to reply, but Ellie spoke again.
“Your dad, I mean” the girl looked up from the page behind her shoulder, glancing at Abby with her eyes slightly lucid again.
Abby froze on the spot. She was trying to breathe yet the air just refused to get in as if it had solidified all of a sudden.
“Not when I try to sleep” Abby replied with a low voice, slowly walking over the log and sitting down next to Ellie. She glanced at the page again and that young Abby that screamed inside of her was suppressed by something different — it wasn't forgiveness, but it was really close to acceptance.
Ellie briefly smiled at her answer, but it didn't reach her eyes. Abby felt suddenly nervous as the memories started to surface like corpses at sea. She swallowed and felt sick.
“I try not to, yet… it's just impossible to forget” Ellie whispered, turning her head to Abby and parting her lips slightly as if she wanted to add more, but something prevented her to.
“I know…” Abby replied. She knew she shouldn't be talking about her father now. Even if the thought of him that still plagued her nightmares was more vivid than ever.
“I'm really sorry for what he did” Ellie said tilting her head towards the page, slowly closing the notebook as if doing so would put his memory to sleep.
“I know” Abby repeated, and felt like she wasn't giving it enough weight all of a sudden “We talked about it…” she added, not sure of where to land her gaze.
“Yea it's just, every time I think of that day… I don't recognise myself” Ellie's voice was soft. Her hand moved from the cover of the notebook to the log, in between her legs and Abby's.
“It's like when I think about you” she added, and Abby stared at her for a second.
“What do you mean?” The girl asked, softly biting her lip.
“I mean that when I look at you, and I think about that day…” Ellie paused, taking in a shallow breath “I can't stop thinking if you'd be different. I'm sure you would”
Abby's heart dropped to the bottom of her stomach. She spoke before her mind had fully formed a thought.
“Different doesn't mean better” Abby said gripping on her thighs just a little “At least not always”
Ellie nodded. She knew what Abby meant, they had briefly touched the argument. If it hadn't been Joel to kill Jerry, maybe something or someone else would've. Maybe Ellie would be dead, maybe Abby would be dead, maybe the vaccine failed altogether. Trying to speculate on it never really worked to change how they felt about it.
“You don't need to do it” Abby suddenly said, in a voice that made her sound tired of repeating it.
Ellie nodded, slowly while staring at the closed notebook. She looked at Abby for a moment and on her face read all the fears she was trying to suppress herself. She tried to think of her life without Abby. Without that person that no matter what got her back — either it being the middle of a shooting or adjusting her backpack when her hands were full.
It was the details that made it difficult. The big picture was easy to read, but the more she dug into her feelings the more she found herself lost in a sea of doubts. She realised she would've drowned in it if she didn't stop looking.
Ellie didn't reply with words. She leaned forward and tilted her head. Abby automatically mirrored her and slowly closed her eyes. Their lips touched softly at first. Abby thought she could get used to the feeling, yet every time she found it different and equally breathtaking.
She pressed forward a little, parting her lips to accommodate Ellie's in a kiss longer than she expected. Ellie's hand reached her cheek and Abby made the smallest sound — something so feeble only Ellie was allowed to hear as her touch startled her every time in the most positive way.
Ellie softly bit on the other girl's lower lip and pulled it for a moment, before she felt Abby's hand on her arm pulling her slightly closer — she turned her head to the other side, kissing her once again.
Time passed differently when they were like that. Sometimes a few seconds felt like hours, sometimes a minute wasn't nearly enough. This was one of the second times. When they both withdrew a little and realised they weren't going to kiss again, they felt like time had stolen something from them.
“Abby…” Ellie said softly and searched for the other girl's eyes. Abby understood before the other girl needed to add more and pulled her into a hug. She could smell it again, that smell that was Ellie's only. The one that now was registered and recognisable like safety.
She felt Ellie sobbing so softly she almost thought she imagined it and her grip on her became stronger, almost desperate.
Abby didn't let go. She tilted her head so that her cheek would rest on the top of Ellie's hair and held her tight, cradling her tears like they were the most precious secret. Slowly she started to draw small circles on Ellie's back, feeling her lungs stutter as she took in rapid shallow breaths.
“It'll be alright” Abby said softly. She didn't believe her words, but she couldn't do anything else but stay strong for Ellie. She didn't want to do anything else.
Slowly Abby bent forward just slightly and collected the notebook that had fallen on the ground. She looked at it for a moment, remembering the drawing — while she slowly closed her eyes on the fading sunlight she softly pressed it on Ellie's back as her arm wrapped around it once more.