Chapter Text
“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
- Confucius
In hindsight, you should've taken it as a bad omen the moment Jules said, “You can take this one for me, babe. The customer loves me.” She even winked when she said it! That should’ve been your first warning, really.
But what were you supposed to do?
You were exhausted, broke, and way too easy to bribe with the promise of a fat tip from this supposedly high-end customer Jule seemed suspiciously eager to avoid at the time. You didn't even stop to think about why she was so thrilled to hand this one off, or what exactly made this customer so “ special ” besides the fact that they apparently tipped like a saint themselves.
You just took the address, strapped the pizzas to your bike, and rode off into the night.
Money was money. Why should you care who the customer was if they paid well? Unless they were a serial killer or something, you'd give zero fucks so long as the cash they had made it into your hand.
//~//~//~//
In all of your years alive, you don't think you've ever felt more broke than you do now.
Because yes, Jules did tell you that the customer you were taking care of today was loaded. But she didn't tell you that the same customer was fucking movie set rich!
The customer's neighborhood had long cobblestone driveways, gated gardens, and mansions so ridiculously huge that you were pretty sure your yearly salary probably looked like pocket change to these people.
And oh my god, smelling the air there as you rode felt as if you were committing a crime somehow.
As if all of those houses you passed by weren't enough to remind you how poor you currently were, your customer's house somehow managed to make every single one of them look modest in comparison.
Because—
“ A CASTLE?!?!?! ”
Your jaw dropped.
Who the fuck was this customer Jules has been handling the whole time?
You blinked once, and then twice, to see if you were hallucinating or not.
NOPE.
The castle was still there, towering over everybody else's house in the neighbourhood.
“Holy fuck!” The words left your mouth so loud they practically echoed off the big ass iron gates in front of you.
Because no.
Absolutely no fucking way this was Jule's customer's actual house.
The place looked old. Actually, scratch that. It looks fucking ancient!
With its massive limestone towers stretching well over a hundred feet into the air, vines crawling all over its sides, and gargoyles perched along the rooftops.
Yep, this place was probably owned by royalty. Or maybe just by some noble.
“…Jules, what the fuck,” you whispered to yourself.
Your phone buzzed in your pocket.
Jules: delivered there before? :)
You immediately typed back.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS A FUCKING CASTLE???
The typing buble appeared instantly.
Jules: LOL
Jules: relax babe they're nice
THEY'RE????
Jules: oop
Jules: gotta clock out ttyt <3
“YOU BITCH—”
The message failed to send because she'd already gone offline.
Un-fucking-believable.
You stared at your phone for another second before slowly lowering it, looking back up at the castle looming over you like something straight out of a gothic horror movie.
At this point, you were genuinely considering turning around and pretending you got hit by a car on the way here.
But then you remembered your bank account balance and your mother's last words before kicking you out.
~//~//~
“Don't you dare show your face here again until you learn to earn money for yourself and how difficult it is!” She threw out your clothes, school supplies, and everything else you owned at home.
And then she burned the rest of it in the backyard as you watched, unable to do anything about it lest you wanted her screaming herself hoarse at you for the rest of the day.
“I hope you learn to stop wasting your time on drawing things and pursue actual dreams that'll get you somewhere else one day.”
~//~//~
…Yeah.
Never mind.
Beggars can't be choosers anyway.
With a sigh, you grabbed the pizza bags and approached the gate.
To your surprise, it creaked open on its own before you could even touch it.
You froze.
“…Nope.”
Absolutely not.
There had to be cameras somewhere, right?
I mean, rich people loved kinda questionableshit like that.
Maybe there was some old dude inside laughing at the security footage of you freezing up like a deer in headlights right now.
Exhaling slowly, you tried very hard not to think about ghosts, cults, or the possibility of being human trafficked here as you stepped through the gates and made your way toward the enormous front doors.
The closer you got, the more bizarre the place seemed to become.
Literal statues lined the pathway.
There was a fountain bigger than your kitchen.
And what you were pretty sure were rare exotic plants were displayed everywhere you looked.
You adjusted the pizza bags nervously against your arms.
“Okay,” you muttered under your breath. “Drop off the pizzas. Get the money. Then leave safe and alive.”
Simple.
Very simple.
If Jules was pulling some elaborate prank on you and this happened to be the house of some dangerous person, you'd just dip immediately.
Except the moment you reached for the doorknob, the doors opened before you could knock.
Your brain immediately fucking died.
Because standing there—
Tall,
Utterly beautiful,
And completely naked—
was the hottest woman you had ever seen in your goddamned life.
Everything inside your head blue-screened instantly.
You stopped moving.
Stopped blinking.
And possibly stopped breathing too, because your soul genuinely left your body for a solid three seconds.
Long dark hair spilled over pale skin, black eyes widened in surprise, and for one horrible moment, the two of you simply stared at each other in complete silence.
Then she blinked.
“…You're not Jules.”
Your mouth opened.
Closed.
Then opened again.
“Nope,” you croaked weakly. “Definitely not Jules.”
Another moment of silence passed before the woman's expression shifted from confusion to horror so quickly it honestly deserved an award.
“Oh my god—”
SLAM!
The doors shut directly in your face.
You remained frozen in place, still holding the pizzas and still processing the fact that you had just been flashbanged by an insanely attractive naked woman who lived in what could only be described as a haunted castle.
“…What the fuck,” you whispered faintly.
You stared at the door for another few seconds before looking down at the pizzas, then back at the door again, and finally sighed so deeply your ancestors could probably feel it wherever they were.
“Jules is dead,” you muttered.
From somewhere inside the castle came the sound of panicked footsteps, something crashing to the floor, and a muffled:
“WHERE ARE MY PANTS?!”
You squeezed your eyes shut.
Nope.
Nope, nope, nope.
This wasn't real.
This couldn't possibly be real.
A minute later, the door slowly creaked open again.
This time, the woman stood there wrapped in an oversized black hoodie that probably cost more than your monthly salary.
Wait, was that Chanel…? Okay, well—
Her face was bright red now, though she still somehow managed to look unfairly gorgeous.
“…Hi,” she said weakly.
You nodded stiffly, avoiding eye contact for the sake of your remaining sanity.
“Hi.”
Another awkward silence followed.
“Sorry about the whole…” She vaguely gestured at herself. “Nudity.”
“It's fine,” you lied immediately.
It was not fine.
You were going to think about this for the next ten business years.
She rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly.
“I thought you were someone else.”
“Jules?”
“…Yeah.”
“Yeah, I gathered that around the time I saw your entire coochie.”
Her eyes widened in horror.
You widened yours right back.
“Oh my god,” you whispered.
Why would you say that out loud?!
“OH MY GOD,” she repeated, covering her face with both hands.
“I-I DIDN'T MEAN—”
“No, no, that's fair! That's completely fair!”
You felt your soul physically trying to crawl out through your mouth.
Then, to your absolute horror, she started laughing.
Which somehow made the situation even worse, because was that genuine laughter or the “I'm going to sue you for humiliation” kind?
You cleared your throat aggressively and shoved the receipt toward her before your brain could betray you again.
“Anyway. Your total is one hundred and twenty-six lei.”
She blinked.
“…You're seriously asking me for payment right now?”
You stared at her blankly.
“Ma'am, respectfully, rent is due.”
She stared at you for a few seconds before laughing again, much harder this time.
“Oh my god,” she wheezed, “I thought Jules was joking when she said she was sending somebody else instead and that you were…”
She gestured vaguely at you.
“What did Jules say about me?” you asked immediately.
Because if Jules had been talking shit behind your back, you were absolutely going to guilt-trip her over it for the next several months.
“That you're…” The woman cleared her throat, still laughing a little. “Scary when money's involved.”
“Oh.”
Welp.
That wasn't exactly what you expected.
“She was right,” you said flatly. “One hundred and twenty-six lei, please.”
She leaned against the doorway with a grin that immediately reminded you of children acting suspiciously cheerful before doing something deeply concerning.
“You know,” she said slowly, “there are other ways I could repay you.”
Oh no.
Absolutely not.
You pointed at her immediately.
“Don't do whatever it is you're about to do.”
Her grin widened.
“What if,” she purred, stepping closer, “instead of money…”
“Don't say it.”
“…I offered you me?”
You stared at her.
Then at the pizzas.
Then back at her.
“…Are you trying to pay for pizza with sex?”
Her confidence faltered for exactly half a second.
“When you say it like that, it sounds trashy.”
“Because it IS trashy!” you shot back.
“And no offense,” you continued tiredly, “but I literally cannot accept vagina as legal currency no matter how much you think your private parts are worth.”
“Wow.”
“I'd get fired.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously!”
You shifted the pizzas in your arms with deep exhaustion. “My manager already hates me, so if I take your offer in exchange for free pizza, then I finally just handed him the perfect reason to fire me.”
She crossed her arms, still grinning. “So you're saying if consequences didn't exist, you'd consider it?”
You paused.
“…I mean.”
“Aha!”
“Listen,” you sighed, “you're really hot. Like, concerningly hot. But I need money more than I need orgasms right now.”
That actually seemed to stun her into silence.
So, naturally, your brain decided to keep going.
“And no offense again,” you added, “but you're also not really my type.”
Her jaw dropped.
“…I'm not your type? Respectfully?”
“Yes!”
You frowned thoughtfully.
“And no offense again, but I don't know. You give off the vibes of somebody you'd fall in love with once and then never emotionally recover from afterward because they ruined your life or whatever.”
She stared at you for a solid three seconds.
Then immediately pointed at herself proudly. “Okay, but at least you're admitting I'd ruin your life.”
Another beat of silence passed.
Then she laughed so hard she actually had to grab the doorway for support.
Meanwhile, you stood there holding six pizzas and wondering if this counted as a psychotic break somehow.
Finally, still wheezing, she pulled out her wallet.
“Fine,” she giggled. “One hundred and twenty-six lei.”
ou held out your hand, and she placed the cash into it.
You counted every single bill right in front of her.
Her eyebrows lifted. “You're actually counting it?”
“I don't know,” you muttered. “You could've scammed me somehow, and I'm already underpaid, so…”
She snorted.
“I literally offered to sleep with you five minutes ago.”
“And that's exactly why I'm counting it,” you replied immediately. “You offered me sex in exchange for pizza!”
She barked out another laugh.
Then, surprisingly, she handed you another fifty lei.
“For the whole flashing you earlier thing,” she said.
You pocketed the money immediately. “Pleasure doing business.”
“This is unbelievable.”
“What's unbelievable? I'm poor.”
That earned another snort from her.
You turned to leave before anything else insane could happen tonight.
“Wait!” she suddenly called after you. “…What's your name?”
You stared at her for a moment before slowly smiling. “Depends.”
“On what?”
“Are you planning to answer the door naked again next time?”
The woman grinned sheepishly. “…Maybe?”
You sighed deeply.
“Then for my own safety, let's keep things professional.”
And somehow, to your surprise, that only seemed to make her smile wider.
“Don't expect the next batch of pizzas being delivered here to be from me, though.” You said before turning to leave.