Chapter Text
Through lidded eyes he saw Kim Dokja.
He heard distant rumbling and unintelligible chattering, but no one was talking. He knew no one was talking because he knew they were all staring. Staring with their hearts clenched painfully in their chests at a white coat in the distance.
He saw the man in the white coat looking back at them before turning away again. And it hurt.
He saw Kim Dokja fall. And he saw Kim Dokja standing.
He saw Kim Dokja limp on the ground. And he saw Kim Dokja fold in on himself, as if in pain.
He saw Kim Dokja, still lying on the ground, and he saw Kim Dokja's back, obscured by giant black-feathered wings, shrink as he disappeared.
And he stared.
"Let go of me."
He pushed himself off of the back that was holding him, and he fell to the ground.
"… Yoo Joonghyuk-ssi", was all Lee Hyungsung could say before Yoo Joonghyuk half crawled, half ran to the body wrapped in white.
He crashed into the ground right in front of him and picked him up. Lying there, cold and limp like a corpse, Yoo Joonghyuk didn't know what to do. He didn't have the energy to do anything. He was still healing thanks to the pill Kim Dokja had given him earlier.
Kim Dokja had given it to him.
He looked into the distance.
And now he was gone.
Where had he gone? Since when did Kim Dokja have the <Avatar> skill? Was he okay? Wouldn't the avatar disappear if he died? That means he was okay, right?
Once again the fool had done something remarkably stupid without telling anyone. And Yoo Joonghyuk wouldn't let it slide. Couldn't let it slide.
When I get my hands on that fool—
"… Yoo Joonghyuk."
Yoo Joonghyuk looked at the man in his lap, his eyes now barely open and his eyebrows furrowed.
"… What's wrong?" Kim Dokja asked, his hand hovering only a few centimeters away from his face.
What's wrong? How dare he ask that. How dare he not realize what he had done. How dare he pretend not to know.
The others had formed a circle behind him, staring at the fool asking shameless questions. He didn't turn to look at them, but he could feel at least two of them fuming. No one talked. No one knew what to say. What to make of this situation. Should they follow Kim Dokja into the Indescribable Distance and try to help him achieve whatever goal he had in mind? Or should they stay with the avatar he created out of nowhere?
"Ahjussi, don't you remember?" he heard Shin Yoosung ask him.
Kim Dokja looked past Yoo Joonghyuk, presumably at the little girl, and furrowed his brows further.
"Remember what?"
Suddenly the rumbling got louder, but it didn't sound like it came from the Indescribable Distance. It came from all around them. From below and above. Yoo Joonghyuk's vision flickered, and he instinctively held Kim Dokja tighter. He didn't know what was happening.
When his vision came back into focus, he was still sitting on the street in the industrial complex. Kim Dokja was still in his arms. However, it was brighter. He looked up to find the once pitch-black sky blue and the city's horizon, once filled with buildings not higher than a few stories, now filled with high-rise buildings.
He was in Seoul.
Since dokkaebis were dokkaebis and the world had something against him, a sub-scenario appeared to ruin the peaceful mundane he found himself in. An otherworldly giant monster. Kill and win. Straightforward enough.
The company had gathered in the living room to discuss the situation, though he barely listened. He was watching Kim Dokja.
Though he called the few days up until now mundane, they hadn't been peaceful. Almost every day someone would start a fight again because of the Kim Dokja situation. Though no one talked about it or him directly, everyone knew. They were fighting because they were on edge. Because they were stressed. Because seeing him every day like he's a reminder almost made it worse than not seeing him at all.
Kim Dokja was watching the kids playing with Lee Hyunsung on the ground next to the couch with a smile. Something about bugs and small animals fighting. He didn't know. He didn't care.
But suddenly the smile on Kim Dokja's face dropped as he turned to look at the people strategizing.
"I have to go.", he suddenly said.
What?
"… No, you're not.", Jung Heewon stated matter-of-factly. And he was on her side. They couldn't let him go out like this. Even though he still has all his skills and stats, he doesn't look well. Doesn't feel well.
"Fine, whatever." Yoo Joonghyuk looked at Han Sooyung.
"What did you say?" Jung Heewon looked like she was going to rip her tongue out for even saying that.
"Look, I know it may sound stupid, but look at him. He hasn't been out of the house since we came back from that demon realm. He might go insane if we don't let him come along."
And Yoo Joonghyuk was swayed, though he would never admit it. Maybe it would do him good. Maybe he would remember his boastful, infuriating self again and stop looking at him the way he started looking at him since that day—
"Fine.", he heard his own voice say. Everyone was looking at him.
"If he wants to come along, let him."
He continued to stare at Kim Dokja, who looked more determined than he had ever seen him. Why was he so set on coming along?, he thought. What was he planning this time? If he's there, at least then I can keep my eye on him.
Kim Dokja was looking back at him. His eyes were clear. They were so clear it felt like he was seeing him for the first time. He didn't like it. It felt weird.
"If he wants to, let him. We can't control him just because he's an avatar.", he heard Lee Jihye say, and he froze.
That cleared his mind, though he wasn't really thankful.
… She needs to learn when to shut up.
He turned around and left.
Initially when he walked out, he planned on going to clear the sub scenario as quickly as possible. Preferably before the others got there. But when he felt another presence following him, he halted that train of thought.
What is he planning?
Kim Dokja was following him. He wasn't beside him, wasn't going towards the sub-scenario, but was following him. And he was sure he was when he changed his route, completely disregarding the scenario and going in a glaringly obvious different direction. Kim Dokja was still following him.
Does he want to say something?
He wasn't sure, but he didn't ask. Too afraid that if he turned, the other man would change his mind. An irrational fear was telling him Kim Dokja might even disappear completely. An even worse fear was telling him he had been hallucinating him since they got back from the 73rd demon realm.
So he didn't turn around. And he didn't stop. He continued walking.
He walked and walked, and Kim Dokja still didn't make any move to approach him.
When will he stop?
They had to join the others at some point. The difficulty of the scenario implied two would be too little manpower. But what was Kim Dokja doing? He needed to know. He had to know. But the others might be in danger.
He scoffed. He couldn't just leave them. He could corner Kim Dokja later and ask him.
He turned towards where the scenario was, and in doing so saw Kim Dokja flinch slightly at his sudden change in direction. His brows furrowed. What was he flinching for?
The giant bear-like creature that had been sent to disturb their rest effortlessly broke the wall of a building, throwing the debris at Han Sooyung's avatars. It was at least ten stories big, and if it stood upright on its hind legs, who knows how tall it would be? Han Sooyoung scoffed as she retreated, using her avatars as shields. Jung Heewon jumped on the opportunity and tried cutting its tendons while it was distracted. It barely did any damage, however.
"Argh!", she screamed, frustrated.
"Where is this bastard?" — Han Sooyoung screamed, looking around for Yoo Joonghyuk — "He was the first to leave but the last on the battlefield? Is he serious? Did he ditch us? Wah!"
The creature had come up to Han Sooyoung in her distraction and was ready to strike her. She dodged, though barely, a crater forming around where the paw of the monster landed.
"I don't know! Focus!", Jung Heewon ran at it again, turning on <Hour of Judgment>.
[Constellations of the Absolute Good system are silent at Jung Heewon's request.]
[The skill has been cancelled.]
"Fuck this!", she screamed and instead turned on <Demon Slaying>.
Her sword drew blood-red arcs at the creature, overwhelming it. Jung Heewon could finally hold her ground; however, it wasn't enough. The monster's fur turned into armor in front of her eyes, rendering her attacks useless once more.
If only she could reach it at a vulnerable spot, like the head, this would have been over already. But she wasn't pushed back. She fought relentlessly, obsessively; it became a one-sided offense as the monster had no option but to focus on its defenses, hardening its armor and trying to block her attacks. It would have been the perfect opportunity for Han Sooyoung to step in, but she couldn't. Jung Heewon wasn't giving her any openings, and if she got any closer, she might be caught in the crossfire.
As the bear-creature was preoccupied with fighting for its life, smaller bear-like beings emerged from behind it, running wild.
"Cubs?", Han Sooyoung muttered. Was it protecting its kids?
One of these "cubs", which were five stories tall, ran at her at full speed, and she threw a dagger at its eye as she retreated, summoning more avatars.
Yoo Joonghyuk came from behind her, making her fall, as he suddenly closed in on it, piercing his sword straight through its eye.
"What the fuck— Where were you?", she asked him, bewildered. He pulled the sword out of its limp body and wiped the dripping blood off on its fur.
"Did she activate <Demon Slaying>?", he asked instead.
"Yeah, well, what did you expect her to do? We were a little short on manpower for whatever reason.", she glared at him before turning around at the sound of steps.
Kim Dokja stood there, brows furrowed and unmoving.
"You too!," — she pointed an accusing finger at them — ", What the hell were you two up to? How can you just ditch us like that?"
"… following …", Kim Dokja's answer was drowned out by Jung Heewon's fighting.
"… Huh?"
"I was following Yoo Joonghyuk.", he answered blankly.
"… And where was he going?"
"… I don't know."
She stared at him. She didn't like it. She didn't like the way she was so straightforward and honest and the way he barely talked. It made her uneasy. He was supposed to quip back at her. Smile infuriatingly. Ask her why she cared. Bully her so she could bully back.
He stretched his arm out to her. She stared at it for a second before taking it.
"What do we do about her?" — she pointed at Jung Heewon — "And them?" — she pointed at the smaller creatures running wild around them.
Yoo Joonghyuk made his way toward the big one that was fighting — or, well, attempting to fight — Jung Heewon, before he was cut off by one of its cubs. He slashed at its arms when it got up on its hind legs, and Yoo Joonghyuk had to use his sword as a shield so it wouldn't crush him into the ground. It was heavy. As heavy as, well, a five-story building. Yoo Joonghyuk was going to finally push it off when he noticed another one running at him from his right.
And before he could react, white feathers were blocking his vision.
<Beast Lord's Sensitivity>, his mind supplied.
Kim Dokja?
He pushed the building of a bear off him and slashed its neck open.
Why had he said that it was fine to let Kim Dokja tag along?
He turned and ran toward the cloud of white feathers in the air.
This was his fault. The fact that Kim Dokja kept dying was always his fault.
He pierced through the cloud with his sword aimed directly at the heart of the beast.
Stupid. So, so stupid.
He knelt beside the blurry figure of feathers on the ground.
This can't be happening—
"You're okay.", Kim Dokja sat up from where he was lying on the ground and smiled — smiled — at him.
"What.", was all Yoo Joonghyuk could come up with.
"Jung Heewon needs help.", he turned and pointed at the crazed woman with burning-red eyes.
"…"
Yoo Joonghyuk didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. He stared at the man for a second and then another, before letting his arms drop to his sides and getting up. He turned away from him and started walking.
What, he thought again.
In a bit of a daze, he activated <Red Phoenix Shunpo> and <Sky-breaking Swordsmanship> as he drew an arc that split the bear's head open. He landed on the creature's back, still thinking 'What' as he saw Jung Heewon slowly calm down again and Han Sooyoung kill the last of the smaller ones.
His eye drifted toward Kim Dokja again. He was already looking at him.
After the fight, Han Sooyoung returned to their place in the industrial complex, talking about how tired she was, and Jung Heewon left too, presumably for the same reasons, though she wasn't as loud about it as the other was.
Yoo Joonghyuk, however, didn't return. He went the other way, not knowing where he was going. He had to do something, anything but go back with the others. No one else saw what Kim Dokja had done. If they had, he was sure they would've chained him up in a room.
Would've been better, he thought, than whatever this is.
He didn't turn around, but he felt it. Kim Dokja had been following him ever since the battle had ended. Normally, he would harvest anything he could off the monster and sell it on the Dokkaebi Exchange or say something infuriating to get the constellations and donations going. He wouldn't be following Yoo Joonghyuk around like this. And not so silently, if anything. It made his skin itch uncomfortably. What did he want?
"Why are you following me?" His voice was louder than he anticipated. He must've been more worked up than he thought. It somehow made him even angrier.
"… Don't wander around."
…
Was he serious?
Did he really just say that? Why was he behaving like that all of a sudden? Usually, even if he cared, he would never admit it or show it so carelessly. And earlier too. The way he just jumped in front of him without a second thought. What is wrong with him? Why—
"Why did you do that?", he blurted out without realizing. His first instinct was to regret ever asking. Kim Dokja was known to run away and avoid everything, which would leave Yoo Joonghyuk looking stupid. But now that Kim Dokja was in this… state of unfiltered honesty, he might finally get some answers out of him. That emboldened him further.
"… Why did I follow you?"
… Honest but still stupid, he thought, doing his best not to choke him right then and there.
"Why did you jump in front of me?"
He saw Kim Dokja look past him in thought. Is he thinking of a lie to get out of this?, he thought, so before Kim Dokja could answer, he said, "Follow me."
Yoo Joonghyuk brought them to a place neither of them knew. When he started walking again, all he knew was that he needed a closed space. Someplace Kim Dokja couldn't easily run away in. So when he randomly walked by a studio apartment building, he decided to see what was inside. And the first apartment door he opened had — miraculously — been perfect
It was one room with only a couch with the cushions missing and a bed, and there was a small bathroom where the toilet and the sink had been broken, but that wasn't relevant right now. He closed the door behind them and pushed the couch in front of it. It obviously isn't enough to render Kim Dokja completely helpless — though he was sure that the Kim Dokja of the first scenario would've been — but it would give him time to react in case he did, in fact, try to flee. Then he turned and stood in front of the only window in the room; now that Kim Dokja had wings, even that wasn't safe anymore.
And if he was honest, he would admit that Kim Dokja didn't seem like he would run away. At least not anymore, ever since he, well, became an avatar. But the paranoia that had built over the course of them becoming companions had rendered any logical thought in him useless when it came to Kim Dokja. And also, he wasn't honest.
He crossed his arms and looked at Kim Dokja, who was standing in the middle of the room, simply watching him. Though he wasn't used to seeing Kim Dokja watch him, it didn't feel unfamiliar.
"Biyoo, close the channel.", he commanded Biyoo, who appeared out of thin air in his peripheral vision and, while grumbling, still obeyed. A distant brown noise died down as she did.
He didn't look at her. Didn't spare her one glance. He was too busy watching Kim Dokja. He had looked away from Yoo Joonghyuk and up at the ball of fur. Yoo Joonghyuk saw the corners of his lips twitch upwards before dropping again and looking at Yoo Joonghyuk. Biyoo had disappeared.
Yoo Joonghyuk looked back in those eyes. And though Kim Dokja wasn't smiling his eyes were shining brightly. He could see his eyes so clearly ever since that day. He didn't understand why. Kim Dokja felt so real suddenly. And as ironic as it sounds, it didn't feel like he could suddenly disappear anymore, even though the person in front of him was clearly an avatar, who were known to disappear. He felt there. As if he were truly standing in front of him. And he was, obviously, but it wasn't like back when Kim Dokja was full, 100%. This somehow felt realer. And that scared him for some reason.
And that made Yoo Joonghyuk bolder.
"Why did you do it?", he asked him again, this time in the luxury of their privacy.
He stared at Kim Dokja. When he didn't immediately reply he clarified.
"Why did you jump in front of me?", fool, he didn't say.
Kim Dokja, still looking at him, furrowed his brows and tilted his head, looking to the ground.
"Because you're Yoo Joonghyuk.", he said finally.
What does that mean?
"What does that mean?"
"Exactly that."
For a moment, Yoo Joonghyuk thought Kim Dokja's annoying personality was back, but Kim Dokja didn't look smug about annoying him. He looked confused.
"What does it matter that I am Yoo Joonghyuk?", he asked instead of choking him.
"It matters.", that seemed to anger Kim Dokja. His brows knit tightly and he punctuated every word.
"Why?"
Kim Dokja pursed his lips for a moment. "… That's the rule."
Rule? Has he gone insane?
"What rule?"
"Protect Yoo Joonghyuk."
Protect… Yoo Joonghyuk?
Protect… me?
"Are there other rules?"
Kim Dokja looked nervous for a moment — protect me — before he looked back at him.
"… Yes."
"What are they?"
Kim Dokja started counting off with one hand. "1. Protect Yoo Joonghyuk, 2. Don't let Yoo Joonghyuk wander alone, 2. Protect the kids, 4. Protect the company." Then he let his hand fall to his side again.
What were these? Had Kim Dokja infused these rules into him before he split? Why? Why did he think he had to? Making rules like that? Kim Dokja really was a fool — and he proved it over and over again. Making me the first two rules, as it I needed his help.
"Why am I the first two?"
"Because…", Kim Dokja seemed at a loss for words again, looking to the wall on his right as if it could alleviate his struggle, "you're my Yoo Joonghyuk."
What.
"… What did you say?", Yoo Joonghyuk held Kim Dokja's arms — when had he walked over? — and stared at him. Kim Dokja looked back blankly.
"You're my Yoo Joonghyuk.", he repeated simply, as if he had said something mundane.
I'm his Yoo Joonghyuk?
I'm his?
If one were to ask Yoo Joonghyuk, he would have never admitted any kind of undefined emotions between him and his life and death companion. But he knew it was there. And it was so glaringly obvious, Kim Dokja had to have known it was there. But he thought there had been an unspoken promise between them not to take it further. Not to acknowledge it. The end of the world was in their way after all and Yoo Joonghyuk made it a point to not think about it. And he had kind of forgotten about it in the same way you don't realize you've walked all the way home from work because you got used to it.
But they were standing so close now. Kim Dokja was looking up at him, his eyes bright and his bangs falling just above them. His face was so clear. Yoo Joonghyuk could see everything. Every little thing. From the stray eyelash on his left cheek to the dirt from the rubble of the battle that was still stuck to his right temple, even though it looked like he wiped it away. And he saw his lips, rosy-pink, soft and smooth — how did he take care of them in the apocalypse? — and he wondered. He let his thoughts run away from him just a bit, and he wondered—
"… kiss—", he said before he could stop himself. What was wrong with him? How could he say that? How could he even think that? Some of Kim Dokja's shamelessness must've rubbed off on him—
Before he knew it Kim Dokja had held onto the sides of his head and pecked him tightly, but gently, on the lips. And his insides exploded.
Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to think. He wanted to think really badly. About something, anything—
His hands found the hair on the back of Kim Dokja's head and he pushed him closer. As close as he could. He wanted him so close that their flesh melted together. Closer—
He felt Kim Dokja's hands hang from the back of the collar of his coat and he shrugged it off without thinking. Now his hands were clinging to him.
All of a sudden the warmth was gone and he opened his eyes to see Kim Dokja had fallen backwards onto the bed — when had they gone there? — and looking up at him.
Their kiss was broken. Yoo Joonghyuk should start thinking. He really should. But the want, the need, the taste. He couldn't.
He crawled onto the bed over Kim Dokja and started kissing him again. He held his face tightly and felt Kim Dokja's hands hold onto his. He licked Kim Dokja's lips, which seemed to tickle him because he scrunched his nose and smiled. He took that as an invitation and tilted his head to deepen the kiss.
Kim Dokja was now brushing his hands along his stomach before stopping at the hem of his shirt. He slithered his hands up underneath it, pinching his muscles before holding onto his back again.
When he broke off the kiss to breathe, Yoo Joonghyuk trailed small pecks down from his chin to the side of his throat. He undid his first few buttons to continue on to his shoulder.
Kim Dokja, he thought.
Small noises escaped Kim Dokja against his will that only fueled him further.
Kim Dokja, he thought again.
Yoo Joonghyuk felt drunk and for the first time in his life he liked it.
Kim Dok—
"I love you."
Yoo Joonghyuk stilled. Then he looked up from Kim Dokja's shoulder to look at him directly. Kim Dokja was somehow still panting — he needs to train more, supplied his mind helpfully — and a very faint flush had settled itself across his cheeks and dusted the tip of his ears. He was looking at him.
I love you, he said.
I love y—
"I'm sorry."
Yoo Joonghyuk frowned. What? Why? Why would he ever apologize for the simple act of loving?
"What are you sorry for?", Yoo Joonghyuk got up a bit further to study his face properly, almost sitting on Kim Dokja's legs.
Kim Dokja looked past him again — he hated that — his brows furrowed, deep in thought.
"… I don't know.", he finally said.
"Then don't be."
At that, Kim Dokja smiled.
He smiled.
He smiled so beautifully, it made Yoo Joonghyuk's heart explode and he dove back down to kiss him.
His right arm was the only thing keeping him from collapsing onto Kim Dokja, as he planted it into the pillow right beside his head. He kissed every corner of his lips which made Kim Dokja chuckle and — Kim Dokja was chuckling — once again he trailed down to his collarbone and Kim Dokja's chuckles turned into small gasps that ignited a flame in Yoo Joonghyuk.
He went back to his shoulder, brushing the fabric of his black button-up off further. It felt so warm. Having Kim Dokja so close, so near, so real, felt so warm. It made him giddy inside and he couldn't contain himself. He vowed in his head he would kiss every inch of Kim Dokja, even if it was the last thing he did.
A warmth spread across his right wrist and he looked up to see Kim Dokja kissing it. He had been holding the pillow so tightly it was going to rip. Kim Dokja's hands were hovering over his forearm almost cradling it and he was kissing is wrist with so much concentration it strained his heart. His brows furrowed slightly but as he slowly let go of the pillow they eased and Kim Dokja held onto his forearm tightly, turning back around with it held against his chest. Then he looked at him.
"It's okay.", he said against his palm as he held it with both hands kissing it as tightly as he could.
It's okay, he said.
He was still kissing it, pushing it against his face and closing his eyes tightly.
It's okay.
Yoo Joonghyuk's heart clenched so tightly he thought he was going to die. It's okay. A stared at Kim Dokja. It's okay.
"… I love you too.", he heard his voice whisper. And he didn't regret it.
Kim Dokja let go of his palm and smiled so wide and brightly with his teeth and gums showing. His eyes were all crinkled at the corners and his pupils were barely showing. Kim Dokja looked so happy. Happier than he had ever seen him.
Because he told him he loved him?
Yoo Joonghyuk stared. Then he stared some more. Then he held onto Kim Dokja's face as tightly as he could and kissed him once more.
"I love you.", he repeated, just to feel Kim Dokja smile into their kiss again.
"I love you.", he repeated again and kissed the crinkles that formed around his eyes.
"I love you.", he repeated again and kissed the teeth that were showing in his smile.
Kim Dokja, he thought.
Kim Dokja, he thought again.