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The news reaches Andrew, and for a moment, everyone sees emotion from him.
For a moment, shock shows in how his eyes widen, how he flinches, how his hands and body starts to shake.
Then it is gone. On the outside, at least. Inside, his mind wages war. Memories of Neil swirl and swirl around, dancing around and taunting him.
Neil, the boy who was always moving and running, dead. Andrew’s mind can see it perfectly; the constant tense that never left even in sleep, finally gone. His face would be blank. There would be no life in those bright blue eyes, and that red hair would seem dimmer.
Nicky sobs into Aaron. Matt cries alongside Dan. Alison hugs Renee. Kevin whispers softly, “he should have been court.”
Kevin's words from earlier flicker back to life. “You were always going to lose him.”
Andrew, for the first time since Cass, feels a knot in his throat. It's a surprise, though it shouldn't be. He knew since that first kiss that he was too attached. Neil had slowly grown onto him, and now he had lost a limb.
Andrew hates him. Hates that Neil made him care enough. That Neil dared to leave after doing this.
It is the truth, but also such a lie.
When they get back, Andrew doesn’t know where to go. Everywhere is stained with Neil, everywhere there is a flash of red or blue. Andrew cannot escape him, no matter what, so he decides to drown.
He goes to the rooftop.
He shakes out a cigarette, though it takes effort not to take out two. Shaky hands light it and place it between his lips, breathing it in and remembering.
Andrew does not do what ifs. However, he is dangerously close to asking them.
Neil never told him the truth. Neil never explained fully. He gave half lies and smiled and kissed Andrew like that’d make up for it.
The last time Andrew saw Neil, he had said goodbye. Neil knew his time was up, Neil had known that he was going to die.
Andrew wants to punch him.
A tear slips out. It is just that, a tear. Andrew knows that to anyone else, seeing him cry would be groundbreaking, but it does nothing. A tear does not stop Neil Josten from being dead. It does not stop the fact that Neil’s body will never move on its own again. It does not stop the fact that soon Neil will be ash.
Matt is staying with Dan. Andrew takes advantage of this to break into the room.
He feels shaky. Unsolid.
Andrew packs Neil's bag. Not all of his possessions fit. It makes another tear slide out.
Neil never told Andrew how he knew Andrew had gone through his things.
It feels stupid, to be taking these things. To be stashing them away. For what? It won’t bring Neil back. It won’t make Andrew forget. It won’t stop the fact that for a moment, Andrew fully felt.
With hands that shake, he puts one of Neil's sweaters on. More tears fall and fall, as Andrew sits on the floor and wears the only remains of his nothing, his Junkie, His rabbit.
— — —
No one comments on it.
On the red eyes, on Neil's clothes being shoved onto Andrew, on the fact that his side of the dorm has been cleared, on the fact that a duffel and a safe now sit next to Andrew’s bed.
Wymack says something about a grieving period. Andrew doesn’t listen.
Andrew goes for a drive.
Even Columbia, even Edens, is stained with Neil’s touch. It makes Andrew’s tight grip on the wheel tighter, it makes more tears fall and his throat to clog.
Neil Josten made Andrew feel.
He took Andrew's emotions with him when he died.
Andrew does not care when Aaron starts really having Katelyn around. Andrew does not care when Kevin yells at him to put any amount of effort in at practice.
He’s become a shell that only knows how to mourn.
— — —
His last year.
This day never gets easy. Knowing that it's been four years since Neil’s ashes took place in the foxhole court shelves with a photo of him and Andrew sitting there next to his urn.
Many of the foxes kept a little bit of him. Dan and Allison have a necklace. Nicky has a ceramic fox. Matt has something, Andrew knows; he doesn’t care enough to ask.
Robin sits down next to Andrew. The pest had decided to stick with him even after he made it clear he didn’t need friends.
“What are you doing after college?”
Andrew shakes his shoulders. Kevin wanted him desperately to be court. He’d probably just go back to Edens and work there, even though the thought of Edens always brings thoughts of Neil.
After Neil’s death, they didn’t go back.
Robin sighs. “They’e doing a segment for him again. Should we watch it?”
No, they shouldn’t. Andrew tosses her the remote.
“...today is the day that Striker of the Palmetto state foxes, known as Neil Josten, died tragically at 19. Josten, whose real name was Nathaniel Wesninski, was the son of Nathan Wesninski, also known as the butcher of Baltimore. Nathan and Nathan’s people took Neil after a game and tortured him before killing him. We want you to remember him as one of the fastest Strikers in college Exy and a life taken too quickly.”
His throat closed up as they flashed images of Neil in game and from what they could that the foxes would give up to them. There were also images of the house, of the riot. Of the basement he was found in. Andrew wondered if they’d show a censored image of his body too. They just showed his urn.
One tear slipped past Andrew’s closed eyes, and Robin sighed.
Eventually, Andrew would die, and maybe he’d meet Neil. Or he wouldn’t have to be tormented by the fact he was dead again.
That was the thought that put Andrew at ease the most.