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Hikaru clutched his body as he sobbed. It hurt. Not in the way he expected, in the way he was slowly getting used to. It was achey. It was unbearable.
He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want Yoshiki to leave him alone.
He shook as his body was racked with sobs. He wanted to see him. He so desperately wanted to pull Yoshiki into a hug, to cry his eyes out while he managed to say all the right things.
But he couldn’t. He had to give him some space. A break. From himself. Yoshiki couldn’t deal with the monster all the time, and he wouldn’t force him too. He wanted to be a good friend.
And the thought made him cry harder. Why did he have to suffer for someone else’s peace of mind? Why couldn’t Yoshiki love him just as much?
He didn’t care anymore. Yoshiki didn’t need to love him. He didn’t need to be there for him. Hikaru would’ve settled for Yoshiki hating him, as long as he spoke to him.
He was lying. He was trying to make himself feel better and he was failing.
He just wanted to be loved back. To be cared about back. He just didn’t want to be alone.
Did he have to be alone? Was that his decided fate? Would Yoshiki tell him to go back up the mountain, to stop replacing his friend?
Would Yoshiki be better off without him?
It felt like there was a deep pit in his chest, the longer he laid in his bed alone. A pulsing, painful pit. His throat burned as tears continued to pool in his eyes.
I don’t want to be alone. Please don’t leave me alone.
The thoughts came with more uneasy tears, he bit into his pillow as he tried to quiet his sobbing.
The house was silent, he didn’t want to ruin that with his crying. He wouldn’t be able to explain it if someone asked anyways.
Part of him just wanted to disappear forever. Part of him wondered if Yoshiki would miss him. He selfishly hoped that he would.
His crying slowly stopped as he stared emptily at the door to his room. It was so dark, right now. It was so lonely.
He hated to be alone. He hated to go home and wait to talk to Yoshiki. He hated to feel ignored when he knew Yoshiki was just busy.
He was nothing without him. Though maybe that was being overdramatic. He was something. He was a monster.
It didn’t feel all that bad to admit. He wasn’t human and he was pretty sure he liked it like that. He just hoped that Yoshiki really felt the same.
He’d eased out of the crying by now, but he wouldn’t have said that he felt good now. He missed Yoshiki.
He missed him so badly it was making him nauseous. They’d spoken not even a few hours ago and it was making him sick. He wanted more, he needed more.
He didn’t want to be alone.
He felt worse again. He wasn’t crying, but he was starting to think all the crying was very unhelpful in having him feel better.
He wanted to see Yoshiki, but it was the middle of the night.
It was the middle of the night and Hikaru wanted to be gone in the morning.
He wouldn’t be, he so badly wanted to see Yoshiki again. He wanted Yoshiki to miss him and want him there, but he couldn’t get himself to leave him alone for even a second.
He didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want anyone other than Yoshiki.
He was special, after all.
So special Hikaru’s guts felt like they were ripping themselves apart and collapsing in on themselves at the thought of being without him any longer.
His phone was next to him, a little voice whispered to make him worried. Make him worried for you, make him care like you care about him, don’t let him leave. He didn’t want to hurt Yoshiki. He ignored the little voice as he unlocked his phone.
He stared at his last messages to him. He scrolled up through to past conversations, but not too far. He wanted to see him and Yoshiki talking, not Yoshiki and his friend.
Tears welled up as he stared at their messages. It was nothing bad. Just normal conversation.
I don’t want to be alone i don’t want to be alone i don’t wantto be alone pleasedon’tmakemebealone
His chest hurt again as he set his phone down again, still unlocked, still opened to the messages. He hugged himself tightly as he stared at the phone until the screen dimmed, and it turned off.
He slammed his eyes shut. Was this really what being lonely felt like? He had Yoshiki. He wasn’t alone. He had someone to talk to. He had a friend. He had Yoshiki.
But he was just so lonely.
He wanted to reach out. He could reach out. But he didn’t want to frustrate Yoshiki. He didn’t want to be made to be more lonely. He really, really hated being lonely.
He tried to let himself fall asleep. It would be better than this. Anything would be better than this.
He couldn’t get himself to. He opened his phone again, and stared at Yoshiki’s and his messages. An uncomfortable anxiety enveloped him and made his hands ache as he typed.
Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Miss you! :)
He waited a while before pressing send. He turned off his phone and stared at his wall. It wasn’t exactly easier to fall asleep, but he did feel better now. Yoshiki really was just special.
He jolted as his phone buzzed, he glanced at the notification and smiled.
Happy to see you tomorrow too.
miss you.
He sent a “<3” back, and turned off his phone again. He felt a little lighter, as he closed his eyes and tried to fall sleep.
The aching loneliness didn’t feel much better. If anything it got worse. He tried to reread the messages over and over again, and all it did was make him tear up.
Was he doomed to feel like this forever? Was he going to feel like this while Yoshiki was right by his side?
It felt like a bleeding wound he couldn’t quite treat. It hurt to the touch and he couldn’t bear to deal with it any longer, and he was just making a mess of it for everyone else.
Was he really just a wounded animal acting out?
He was so lonely.
Why did loneliness have to feel like this? Why did it hurt so badly? Why did it not go away even when he wasn’t alone anymore?
Why did the loneliness persist no matter what he did?
There was no point in questioning himself further. It all hurt to poke and prod at, he didn’t want to hurt any more tonight.
He tried to let himself fall asleep again, and as he drifted off he could only hope he felt better in the morning.