Chapter Text
I embrace the pain dearly as a friend
I defy the shame just to feel again
And I wonder how I felt alive
When I've lost the key
That will set me free
- Forever Still
Everything felt so unreal, she just sat there and watched the Water, how it reflected the Moon. She was grieving for her Mother. She felt empty. Kirkwall took so much of her, she knew she couldn't take it anymore. After Carver died only her Mother and her Sister were at her side, she didn't count her Uncle Gamlen. Then her Sister had to go to the Circle of Magi, it was sad but she hoped for the best for her Sister. Only her Mother was left and now she died a cruel death because she just looked like someone. Taken by an insane Man.
Hawke remembered Leandras last Words ".. Now I'm free. I'll be with Carver and Bethany and your Father, but you'll be all alone.. my little Girl has become so strong. I love you, you always made me so Proud.."
Her Mother was right, all that remained was Hawke alone. Of course she had her Friends but she couldn't take comfort in their words. She had to mourn alone. She took another gulp of her Wine Bottle she carried with herself. She didn't even equipped her Daggers , and took instead the Amell Family Shield she found in a Chest in the Killer's Lair.
The Arishok was lost in his thoughts, he couldn't sleep so he went trough Letters that were on his desk. He thought about the Encounter with a Drunken Hawke a few Days Ago. It was unusual to see her so Intoxicated but even if he was angry at first with her that she tumbled ungarded trough this cesspool he was strangely happy to see her. He called her Kadan, because there was no way around it, it was just how he felt. She went the morning after without a word, problaby ashamed of herself.
He remembered when she first came into the Compound. She was huge for a Human and had white Hair which was even more unique. Never did he saw such a Bas in his Life. She had a red stripe across her Nose and pale White Yellowish Eyes. The Conversation was very short and at that Evening he found out what her Name was; Marian Hawke, a rather beautiful Name for a Basra, and that her favourite Color was Red. Lost in his thoughts, the Arishok didn't notice how the Karasten entered the Tent.
"Arishok, I have to show you something."
Irritated the Arishok grunted in reply "What is it?"
"It's Hawke" , the Karasten knew that the Arishok cared for her so he went on "she is sitting on the brink of the Docks.. but you should see for yourself."
He guided the Arishok to the Place in the Compound where you could see the Docks cleary. Sitting there was a Hawke drinking and staring at the Water. She then stood up and throwed a Shield in the Water, took a Bottle, emptied it and smashed it against a Wall.
"When she comes across the Gates, tell her I wan't to talk to her." , he went back to his Tent, confused about her Behaviour. He hoped it had nothing to do with the Night a few days ago. But he knew it had to be worse than this.
Hawke was about to go home when she came across the Gates of the Qunari's Compound when a Guard called out to her, "Serah Hawke, the Arishok wishes to speak to you."
"Not now!" was her angry response. She didn't even made an attempt to halt, she just walked on.
"So you refuse to talk to him?" , was his confused question.
Hawke who was out of reach to hear clearly what he said yelled back "Not now!"
She couldn't talk to him right now, she just wanted to be alone and sink herself into self-pity. Besides that she didn't want to look weak in front of him.
So she walked on until she reached the Hawke's Estate, got inside and sat in front of the Fireplace in a comfy chair. Her Mabari came to her and snuffled her Hands and she stroked the Dogs Head. Bodahn entered the Room to see for her. He couldn't sleep because he felt bad for her. He knew Leandra too and liked her so he missed her as well.
"Can I do something for you Messere?" , he asked careful.
"No thanks, Bodahn", was her silent answer. She was yet again lost in her thoughts about happier times. It was strange; that you knew how much you loved someone when they were gone. It hurt. She had a good Relationship with her Mother but she wasn't always there, to busy with all the Problems and Tasks in Kirkwall.
When a troubled Gamlen came to her and asked where her Mother was and he told about the Lily's that Leandra received she felt how her whole stomach started to tighten to the Point where she couldn't breathe anymore. She had to be quick, she had to find her mother. But she was to late. Hawke hated herself for not watching more out for her Mother, it was her fault. She watched distantly the Flames dancing.
"Are you sure you wan't to visit her, Arishok? She seemed very angry, and it's Night, I'm not sure if thats a good Idea" , asked a very worried Karasten.
"I will go and speak with her, something is out of Order, thats not the Hawke I know. If you wish for my Safety on the Way simply come with me, but I will talk to her alone." , was his only reply.
I didn't take long to arrive at her Estate. He was glad that his men told him where she lived otherwise he would surely had gotten lost in this Cesspool, considering that he rarely left the Compound.
"Wait here." Karasten nodded and the Arishok knocked at the Door.
The Door opened but he didn't see someone.
"Can I help you Messere?", asked someone and the Arishok looked down to discover a Dwarf.
"I wish to speak with Hawke." , was his grunted reply.
"I will inform her, but I can't promise that she want's to see anyone, but that's understandable in her current Situation.", said the Dwarf and walked in to another Room.
Now the Arishok was more worried than before. What happened that the ever snarky Hawke got so out of her Mind. For Qunari Weapons were important, and he knew at the moment when she threw the Shield away that something bad must have happened. She was a Warrior after all and strong, he knew that, so he got very concerned at the sight before him.
"I am sorry to interrupt again, Hawke, but there is a very big Man who want's to speak with you". Hawke knew immediately of which Person Bodahn spoke.
"Tell him that I will talk to him in the next days, I wan't to be alone right now."
"As you wish, Messere." , Bodahn turned and got out of the room. He knew better than to push Hawke. Then he went to tell the big horned Man what Hawke said.
"I am sorry but Hawke doesn't want to talk, as I guessed. I should inform you that she will talk to you in the next days." , Bodahn had to look up so much that his neck began to hurt.
The Arishok felt a beginning of a Massive Headache, he was so much irritated about what had gotten into his Kadan.
"What happened to Hawke, why is she behaving this way?"
The Dwarf looked startled, "Don't you know? Her Mother got murdered. I feel so bad for her.."
At these Words the Arishok went straight past the Dwarf and got into the Direction where the little Man came out a few Moments ago.
"Messere I am sorry to interrupt but she said she want's to be alone", said a panicking Bodahn but was soon interupted by the Arishok's deep Voice.
"I don't care." The Arishok got into the room slammed the door shut right before Bodahn's Nose.
Hawke who still look into the Flames didn't even moved by the loud noise.
"I told you not to come here, why won't you hear, Arishok?"
He got around the Chair and blocked her sight to the Fireplace so she was forced to look at him.
His Heart stopped nearly at the sight of her Face. She didn't looked tear-stained instead she just looked dull. She just looked empty.
He got to his Knees so that he was on one Eye-Level with her and his left hand reached for her cheek. She felt cold, even if she sat nearby the Fireplace.
She didn't lean into the Touch, she simply didn't move and no words left her Mouth.
The Arishok knew he couldn't confort her in a way a Human could, in the Qun there weren't Mothers as such, he didn't even know his Mother. So he struggled to find the right words.
"Even if you wan't to shut me out Marian, I feel sorry for your loss, I hope you find at least a little peace knowing that I am here."
A little Spark beamed in her Eyes at his words.
For a few Moments there was Silence but then she replied "Thank you Arishok."
Her Voice sounded strained.
His Hand moved to her Shoulder and squeezed it.
"I hope your Mother will find Kost, I am sorry that she found Kata that way."
He took her Hand an guided her to stand up. She followed and than he took her in his Arms. Slowly she lifted her arms and embraced him too.
"You alone are Basalit-an in this Shithole called Kirkwall. Never forget that, Kadan."
He gently stroked her back while saying these Words. When she stood she was just a half Head smaller than him. She didn't knew the Word Kadan. He called her that often but she was a little afraid what it would meant knowing that when she knew it it probably made her sad, because at the End he would leave when the Demand of the Qun was fulfilled.
After a while she said, "I have something for you Arishok."
She released the Embrace and got to one of the Bookshelfs and reached for a Book. She smiled at the Cover "The Beauty and the Beast". Funny how a few Days ago she was intoxicated and really happy and cheery.
"Here," she reached it out to him, "I wan't to give you this. Do you remember the Tale I told you a few Days ago? This is the Story. I shredded the last few Pages, I hope you don't mind, I just don't liked the Original Ending.
I wan't you to have this because wherever you may be in this World, no matter how far away I am, you can read it and remember me."
He took it in his hand. Yes he rembered the Story very well.
Moved by this simple Gesture he reach his free Hand out to touch her Cheek. This time she leaned into his touch.
"Come take a seat. Do you wan't something to drink?" , at least she wanted to treat her Guest friendly even if she felt like shit. "No thank you."
While he sat down on the Chair she fetched another and sat beside him. Luckily the Chair was big enough for him to sit comfortable considering that Hawke herself was really big.
"So tell me Arishok, what is the Demand of the Qun? Why are you still here, in a City you despise." , she looked at him with a honesty in her Eyes, which now looked a bit more full of Life.
"I need an old relic. Without it I can't return to Par Vollen."
"What sort of Relic do you mean? I could help you if you wish."
At that the Arishok chuckled. "You're really a Unique Bas, Kadan. You've lost so much but you offer me your help. But to answer your Question, it is a Book. The Tome of Koslun. It was stolen and I need it, as I said, to return to my Home."
Hawke let the Words sink in. Relic.. relic.. Her Mind was so tormented the last Hours with all kind of Moments with her Mother that she really had to concentrate when she last heard the Word "Relic."
Finally she remembered it. Isabela spoke of a Relic the last Time they saw each other. It could be a Coincidence but it was worth a try.
"I think a have a Trace, but you have to be patient as I am not sure if it's just a Coincidence. A friend of mine told me that she is searching for a Relic as well. I will talk to her okey..?"
He did not answer for a while. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts.
"Yes. Hawke it is late, I will return to the Compound." He stood up and got to the Front Door. She followed then.
"I wish you a good night, you have to rest Hawke." He turned once, a Nod and then he strode of with the Karasten.
"Thanks, I wish you a good Night too. And thank you for beeing my friend."
She closed the door and got to her Bedroom. She was happy for the Distraction, it was better than to cry all night and think of her Mother.
Now she had a Purpose in front of her Eyes again, rather than thinking of the past, she now thought of the Future.
