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Life is strange. Some things just don’t work out no matter what, while other events go smoothly and without any problems. Everyone’s just trying to find the easiest and most successful way through the jungle of life; some have the luck of reaching their goals and some are trapped in the labyrinth called life.
As a kid everyone has a goal in life; they want to become firefighters, football players or pilots. But what happens when you’ve reached almost every goal in your life and you still aren’t happy? What do you do when you have the money, the fame and the women and you still don’t feel satisfied? When you fake a smile every time you leave the house?
Lewis was standing on the balcony of his hotel room, watching the traffic underneath him; cars passing by; people yelling and the sun bathing it all in a golden light. He was in yet another country, in yet another hotel room, at yet another race. If he was being honest he couldn’t care less about the things going on around him; everything seemed to blur together. The races, the victories, the loses – everything happened so fast; making him snap out of his haze occasionally but only for moments. Inside a storm was raging; making him feel constantly on edge, unable to calm down and he hated it. He hated to be driven by emotion like this. Lewis always thought of himself as a head over heart kind of person but he couldn’t get his heart to stop fucking with his head.
He’d fulfilled his childhood dream becoming a racing driver, a world champion even. Getting victories weekend for weekend; living the life of the rich and famous but coming home to an empty flat. He wished he was happy. It was so selfish to be unhappy when you have everything anyone could ever dream of; and he really tried to be happy and cheerful but something was missing. The one thing that could finally settle the storm inside him was missing and he knew that it would stay like this probably forever because they fucked up.
Nico and he fucked up. Big time. They let themselves get carried away from their goal; they let the fame, the money and the urge for success tear them apart. Leaving nothing behind besides little shreds of their past bond and that raging storm in Lewis´ soul.
Maybe they just didn´t try hard enough. Sometimes Lewis caught himself thinking `What if? ´; what if they never had gotten this far; what if they would have just gotten `normal´ jobs, if they would be still together, maybe married and looking to adopt a cute little girl with golden, angelic hair like Nico´s? Maybe it would have been easy; maybe they would be happier, but on the other hand they were living their dream, racing in Formula 1.
But sometimes to reach a goal you have to leave something else behind and sometimes this something isn´t a something but a someone, as cold as it sounds. Lewis knew he never would have been world champion again if he hadn’t separated himself from Nico because deep down he knew that was his only weakness. It always was. Nico´s angelic face and the blue eyes that lingered so lovingly on him always made him give in, even before he even knew that he was head over heels in love with Nico.
Nico made him forget and he made him feel and that was probably the reason they didn´t work out. The German was always so determined to beat him and as he came closer to it Lewis knew he couldn´t stop it. They were still racing drivers and they were young and stupid; blinded by the urge to win; the urge to show the world what they were made of; show each other what they were made of. Race after race they came closer to the blow up; goading each other up week for week.
They stopped talking suddenly and that was so much worse than all the yelling and swearing; so much worse than the words spit out seeping with hate and despite and so contrary to how they were before. Lewis couldn´t really tell when it was but it was the end to their story and the beginning of a new story; a story filled with jealousy and purposely placed words to fuck with each other’s mind. Everything only to win, to beat the other one, for a few seconds of joy and happiness, drowning out the mean words and the hateful gazes.
Sometimes he really wished they´d have made it work to calm the raging storm in his soul.
~
Nico was sitting at the bar stool, a drink in his right hand while letting his gaze shift over the moving crowd looking for the people of his crew he was here with. They had a really good weekend and he wanted them to have fun; it was just his way of saying thank you, although he couldn´t really find it in him to enjoy the partying.
His mind was occupied by other things; the next race; the next appointment; the next way of winning but mostly there was just Lewis. Even when he was thinking about his strategies or talking about his chances of becoming world champion there was still always Lewis in the back of his mind; a small little voice, telling him that he missed him; that they should just talk to each other and get it out of the way; that they needed each other.
And yes maybe they needed each other but that didn´t mean they worked together. They didn´t fit together anymore like they used to, they needed each other to push them over limits, they needed each other to race better but they couldn´t make it work any other way anymore. And a voice in the back of Nico´s mind still told him that they needed each other´s love – their bond – too.
His eyes followed a droplet of condensate running down his glass and he let out a little sigh, ready to get up and leave as he heard a drunk voice and felt wet breathing in his ear, sending a cold shower down his spine.
“Hey pretty, wanna have some fun?” A drunk stranger placed himself beside the German, clearly not recognizing him, his hand wandering up his thigh and his stinking breath in Nico´s nose. The man was probably around forty and looked drunk out of his mind, his eyes glinting with something that made Nico squirm uncomfortably on his stool. He tried to wind his way out of the strangers grip, but he only grabbed his thigh harder, holding him in place and Nico felt himself starting to panic.
Where were his mechanics and the other people from the crew and why didn´t nobody seem to pay attention to them? He felt his hear speeding up and his hands were getting sweaty as he felt goose bumps rise on his arm, trying to get away from the intoxicated man.
Suddenly he felt fingers intertwining with his and an arm was placed around his waist and Nico´s first instinct was to push away the other person´s hands as he heard a very familiar and smooth voice asking a little angry: “Everything ok, babe?”
Lewis pulled him a little closer, his gaze still fixed onto the drunk stranger, a challenging look on his face, as he smoothed small circles over Nico´s hipbone with his thump, making the German relax a little against his side.
“You…hicks…you are together?” The guy looked fairly confused at them while barely being able to hold himself up and then he turned to Nico again, trying to grab his free hand, lying on the bar.
“You sure you don´t wanna come with me and have some fun instead of with your monkey boyfriend?”
Slap. Before Lewis could even react Nico slapped the man straight across the face, making him yelp in pain and with one last look at them he tried to get away as fast as possible, spilling drunk niceties at them while doing so, but nobody seemed to care.
Nico was still sitting there in shock, looking at his hand. He just slapped someone, he never slapped people or hurt anyone on purpose, he despised violence but he couldn´t think straight in this fair moment. All he could see was Lewis hurt expression and suddenly he was back 15 years ago in Italy; people making ape noises and throwing bananas at the karting track while they were racing. He was the one who found Lewis after the race; hiding behind a stack of tyres the Brit was curled up in ball, his knees drawn to his chest and tears silently streaming down his face.
Nico couldn´t get the image out of his head for months back then. Lewis looked so broken and small and all he managed to do was sitting down beside him and stroking over Lewis back while letting him cry in his sweater.
And now, now there was the image again and the pain in Lewis eyes and Nico couldn´t think anymore; all he could think of was to protect Lewis, protect the broken boy from the world.
He didn´t know how long they were sitting there, Lewis arm still around his waist holding him close enough that he could feel the Brits heart beating too fast against his back; his warm body pressing against his and it felt like home, but before he could enjoy that a little more, Lewis detangled himself from Nico and took two steps backwards before looking at him.
“Thanks.” Nico was so startled by how hollow it sounded that he almost didn´t manage to reply. “I have to thank you for saving me from the creepy stranger, babe!”
He saw Lewis cringe at the nickname and immediately felt sorry for his bad attempt of a joke; maybe it was too soon or maybe it would never be far away enough that this kind of jokes would be ok. Maybe it would always stay awkward like this.
“Yeah no, no problem at all. I have to go tho, good night Nico!” He made an awkward little move in the direction of the door with his hand but somehow didn´t move and Nico looked him in the face again.
His eyes were locking with the Brit´s and he could see the storm inside; he could see how divided Lewis was; how he fought against his own feelings and he felt his heart drop a little further. He was hurting so much and Lewis was too but there just wasn´t a way to stop it. They couldn´t exist beside each other; they were destroying each other.
Maybe if they would have had a `normal´ life they could be happy together but on their road to success they had to choose; choose love or choose racing and they wanted to race. They thought they could make it work, they thought they could be an exception in this circus called motorsports but god were they wrong.
Nico gave a little shrug and with a last little wave Lewis turned around and made his way to the exit door, disappearing seconds later, only leaving behind the faint smell of his deodorant lingering in Nico´s nose.
`He still uses the same as back then when we were teenagers´ It was all Nico was able to think in that moment. He couldn´t really feel anything besides the cold that seemed to surround his heart like a cold cloud. Making him feel frozen inside. He knew he needed Lewis in his life more than anything to be happy but it wasn´t possible. They would tear each other apart again and again, leaving behind the shatters of their relationship; destroying one another. There was no way they could be together while still racing against each other; it would kill them.
Nico let out an ugly sob and suddenly he felt that he was crying, tears were streaming down his face and he got up to leave the club. Reaching the door he disappeared into the cold night, trying to leave behind just another story involving Lewis.
Because maybe they would have worked out; maybe if they would have tried harder; maybe they all just made the wrong decision.