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When Octavia turns fifteen, Bellamy gives her a surprise. The best one he’s ever given her, and that was saying something.
“Put on something nice.” At his sister’s raised eyebrows, he gives her a mischievous smirk. One that she hasn’t seen ever since he was a troublesome little boy. But he was a man now, and a very honorable one at that. “We’re going out.”
This is the first time in a long time she’s heard this sentence. She has been outside, of course. After long hours of begging and even longer days of planning, Bellamy would take her around the block, showing her the different halls and rooms. Once he even went as far as to take her to the main window, where she could see just how vast space really was. It made her feel smaller, tiny, but mostly in a good way.
It was never enough, but it was something. It gave her hope that one day she would be able to drift away and never face the demons her bedroom held again. She wanted to fly away into the nothingness, lose herself in something bigger, to finally be free.
Then Bellamy called her, and her hopes felt empty without him by her side. And anyways, she had time to come up with something, something for the both of them to be happy with. Freedom was given by small steps, and this is the biggest one she’s ever taken.
She puts on her nicest pair of pants and the cleanest shirt she has available. Ties her hair up in a ponytail instead of letting it free down her back, and later does the same with the lace on her shoes.
When she’s finally ready, Bellamy looks her up and down. He says “You look beautiful.”
“I always do.” She responds, cheekily.
It feels like this it’s the first time it actually matters
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She twirls and dances and looks stoning. Everyone is hypnotized by her dark hair and brown chocolate eyes and smile of pure bliss. Octavia Blake is beautiful.
She’s just happy to be there, to be part of this.
The air smells different. Sweeter, somehow, almost like one of those drinks on the table next to her, almost like she could get drunk in it.
And she drinks as much as she can, with greed and hunger, as if she couldn’t get enough. And that was always the problem, wasn’t it. She never got enough.
So she dances the night away, joins in conversation with girls she’s never seen and she’s a bit stoned at how pretty they look. They all looked pretty. Faces she had never seen, so alike and natural, so human. It scares her to think she isn’t a part of it.
She kisses a boy, and he tastes like cherries. She’s never had them before. It feels new, as everything is.
The eyes of her brother never leave her back, like they never do. But tonight she doesn’t feel the weight of them bearing her down.
It doesn’t last forever, but it feels like an eternity. She’s lived way more in this scene, this couple of hours, than she ever has in the darkness of her room.
When Bellamy walks her back to their home (Later, when she’s older and wiser, she admits that what they had was not a home at all) she thinks to herself This is enough. This is all I need.
It’s a lie. A very big one, but it’s all she had right now.
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Octavia dreams of the dance every night. She wakes up, looks at the dark room still surrounding her, and feels like it’s choking her. It was foolish to think of change.
The same alcohol she remembered sweet now proved itself bitter against her tongue. It’s sad. She’s sad. She can’t help it.
Bringing her hands to her face, she realized she had been crying. She doesn’t want to feel the dark anymore.
You weren’t meant to be here, Octavia.
You’re full of trouble.
Do you know what would happen to Bellamy if they caught you?
You’re useless. He should have given up on you a long time ago.
And then, finally…
You made her die, you know? You push so hard into making yourself believe that it’s their fault. But it’s yours. Was your so loved freedom worth the life of your mother?
She screams, closes her eyes and begs it to stop. She had broken down before, seems to be unable not to, but she’s never been this loud. She doesn’t care. She just wants it to stop-
Bellay climbs down the stairs and holds her body against his. His hand should be hard bothering, but they feel soft against her skin and she leans on him and bites his shirt to drown out the sobs.
“Why, Bellamy?” She holds him as tight as she can, and he squishes right back. It feels safe. He might give her what she’s looking for. “Why?” Why did mom had me? Why did she let me live? Why do you keep me around? Why did they have to kill her?
Bellamy smiles softly, wipes away her tears with his thumbs.
He doesn’t give her an answer. Maybe there wasn’t one.
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The worst time of her life is when Bellamy is gone if you put aside the fact that her life is full of worst and barely any best. When he has to work and get food, barely a ration able to sustain him, much less both of them.
The house gets quite, and she can’t really move. Doesn’t dare to. She could make too much or, get distracted, and someone could come in, and-
Well, the main problem is the damn door, actually. Laughing at her face from afar. She wants to claw it open, pull at its hinges until it breaks and scream I’m here!
Instead, she looks at it as if it was alive and blames it for everything. Octavia is egocentric. She knows it. She should be grateful for what she has, yet, she wants more. It is more than she should have had, if it were for the ark.
And so her mother was caught stealing food, for her. Because she cared about her. Because she loved her. Well, that love got her floated. It was Octavia’s fault. She knew that. It’s easier to blame the door for it.
On this day, however, the anger fuels her. It always does, but this is the first time she actually acknowledges it. Bellamy is not here to see her breaking down anyways.
She taps her fingers on the door, wishing to punch it. Nothing happens. Nothing ever happens.
She taps it again, with more force this time. The door doesn’t budge, of course. She wishes it did.
She goes to tap it again, well, maybe something a bit harsher this time around, but she hears something moving on the other side and she’s paralyzed. Her instinct took care of that, however. By the time the child who was running down the halls passed by her door, Octavia was already underground, believing that this was it.
She would usually start to cry by now, but she’s too tired for that. Instead, she starts to move her mouth in a song. Nothing actually leaves her lips though, she couldn’t take that risk.
And all those things I didn’t say
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
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They swarm in one day. No warning, no preparation, nothing at all. It’s almost comical. Octavia spent all of her life hiding and making no noise to prevent this, and yet they caught her when they weren’t even listening or looking for her.
Bellamy tries to fight them off, but they’re more, stronger and they have guns. As soon as they press a gun to her head and tie her hands behind her back, Bellamy stops fighting in fear that if he upsets them they’ll kill her. She’s not really afraid, though. Not for herself.
They take her by the halls, showing everyone just exactly what they planed on doing if they ever dare copy her actions. It makes her strangely proud and sad at the same time. They’ll make sure everyone remembers her. As a criminal, a coward, a pariah, yes. But they’ll know her. They’ll sigh one day and tell that one time they caught a brown headed girl with demons behind her eyes who held her head proudly.
It’s more than she ever hoped, really.
The court doesn’t take long for a decision: They can’t let anyone get any ideas. She has to die. Octavia is not surprised.
She begs, however, for Bellamy. It was her fault for being alive, after all, not his. Mother had already paid her part, and now it was Octavia’s turn. Bellamy would hurt, but he would heal because he’s so strong. He’ll find someone to protect, someone who isn’t helpless and has an actual chance of making it through. It’s in her best wishes that he does.
They don’t grant it. Octavia hates them deeply, even more than she already did. If the seed of hate was on her bones, then now her whole body, her soul, grew into it. They don’t deserve someone like Bellamy, anyways.
They walk the siblings out again, her hand tightly gripping his.
“We’ll be ok…” He whispers. Octavia almost wants to laugh.
“You don’t know that.”
“We’ll be together. That’s all that matters,” Octavia can’t help but nod at that. “We’ll be free.”
They open the gate, push you right through it without any second thoughts. And you’re left with the two things you love the most: Bellamy, and space.
If this is the last thing she’ll ever experience, it’s not too bad. Not at all. It’s the best way for a shadow to flicker away.
They last of the Blakes are both clinging to each other when the guards start counting down. This is it. When it al ends, they will open the doors, and the darkness will suck them out. They'll faint without oxygen and die quickly, or at least that's what she thinks will happen.
It was somehow her destiny to die, she knew that. But she was with Bellamy. And that made all these events seem calmer.
“Are you afraid?” Octavia asks.
“No. Not really.” Bellamy shifts a little. “You?”
“No.”
"You never a-"
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She didn't eveen have enough time to finish.