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Hermione had heard whispers of this argument for years.
It was painfully obvious to anyone with eyes that the Weasleys were hot. It was undeniable, and no one (other than a few idiotic slytherins) would fight you if you made a comment or two about how attractive you found one or two of them. Having a weasley as a crush was common enough to be cliche. At least for the other houses it was a flippant little comment here or there (at least at first).
The Gryffindors took the debate about the hottest Weasley very seriously.
Her first year there were whispers about people missing Charlie and Bill, and how fun they were to look at. Hermione couldn’t disagree with this once she met them. They were rather striking, broad shoulders, sharp smiles, and muscular. Traits all the Weasleys shared; even Ginny, though she took a more feminine edge to these features. The earlier conversation only encapsulated the eldest Weasley children. A small comment or two about whether the broader or taller Weasleys were cuter? Brown or blue eyes? Were their hair different shades of red? The different freckle patterns? Small little debates that Hermione would overhear in the bathroom or in passing when Ron and Harry were farther ahead of her.
Her real eye opener, the one that revealed to her that this was an argument that Gryffindors took very seriously, was when Oliver Wood and Andy Travis got into a literal fist fight over if Charlie or Percy was hotter. Oliver was insistent that Charlie's quiddich skills put him far above the rest, while Andy thought Percy’s meticulousness and aloofness was mysterious and hot. Both boys ended up with a black eye and didn’t make eye contact for a week before agreeing that both enjoyed different aspects of their competency.
The true scope of this argument only bloomed when both Ron and Ginny entered the conversation. When Ginny started dating Michael Corner, Gryffindors collectively decided that they could finally be let in as options in the debate.
This in Hermione's opinion was the beginning of the end.
Now with seven candidates, (yes seven, there is a very fanatical faction of this debate that will kill you if you try and say Fred and George are equally hot), the Gryffinors sprit had turned in on itself and the competitive need to be right fell upon them with such viciousness that eventually Mcgonagall had to get involved- but that is a later part of this story.
Now while this contest was relatively lawless, and devolved into gorilla tactics for arguments more often than not, there was one rule that absolutely no one could break.
The Weasleys must never find out.
It was the most sacred of rules, the Gryffindors followed it very strictly. That argument where Oliver and Andy went to blows was pulled apart by Percy, who spent thirty whole minutes trying to figure out why the hell they tried to kill each other. Both socially shut their mouths and refused to explain themselves getting far more detention than strictly necessary for their troubles. This rule was partly for the integrity of the argument, partly because admitting a crush was embarrassing, and partly because the Weasleys were entirely oblivious to just how pretty they were. Even the older more confident Weasleys had no idea, thinking their skills were their best features. The Which Weasley contest might actually break them. So for the sake of everyone involved the contest was kept strictly confidential.
Hermione and Harry were brought into the debate a month into fifth year when Ron, the twins, and Ginny were out finishing a present for Molly’s birthday.
“Sooooo,” Lee hummed, tapping his fingers on the tea table. He'd gathered all their year and a few of the year younger than them in the common room. Eyes tarting to each other trying to find someone who looked like they knew what was happening. The initiation ritual began with a hum from Lee, “Which Weasley?” he asked, raising a mischievous eyebrow.
“Personally it's George,” Angelina told them as she plopped down in her seat a book of quidditch strategy casually slugged over her lap. There was a gaggle of older Gryffindors caging the younger ones in
Neville turned his head with an innocent look in his eyes, “Which Weasley what?”
“Which is the hottest,” Lee elaborated leaning back on the couch, the mischief only growing in his eyes, “Fred for me.”
Angelina squinted her eyes looking mortality offended by him, “We will be talking about that later.”
“I don’t see why we have to argue about it,” Lee scoffed, “one for me one for you, it works out!”
“It's the principal!” she hissed with a wave of grumbling agreement from a few people behind her. A few voices of disagreement and agreement broke out through the crowd and the attention was almost snatched away from the new recruits.
Katie didn’t let it happen, leading everyone back into the conversation, “Ok guys we are adding to the factions right now! We do not need a war to break out before we’ve divided the troops!" Katie chidded leaning over the couch. A few more people closed in adding their own opinions, much to the confusion of most of the fifth years.
Lavender and Pavarti on the other hand nodded along sagely. Hermione supposed they were the most aware of the gossip in Hogwarts. When the opinions wavered and the, which Weasley, questions was lobbied at them once again they were the first to say something.
“I think I do have an opinion,” she said with authority in her voice as she spoke to the eager crowd, “but I don’t actually know what Bill and Charlie look like.”
Pavarti agreed, “yeah we don’t have the full sample.”
Hermione was baffled by this whole conversation running the whole thing over in her mind. She knew people talked about the Weasleys, they were hot. She knew that, everyone knew that… what she didn’t know was that you needed to make your opinion on which was hottest known. Harry and Hermione gave each other a look, though Hermione could see Harry was already getting into the spirit of the game as he leaned into the chaos.
A seventh year popped up from her place running into her dorms, she came out with a photo of the two eldest Weasleys waving at the camera. She slapped it down on the table looking proud of herself. The Gryffindors who never met the two scrutinized the photo eyes' twisted in concentration, as if they were consolidating information for a very important decision.
Harry wrinkled his nose, “why do you have that?”
“That’s none of your business,” she scowled, crossing her arms.
Harry cocked his head, his eyes gleaming with thoughts, “well… while I do think Bill is the prettiest of the boys Ginny is just too good looking to not be the hottest." Harry asserted with a nod, his opinion floating in the air. Katie took out a book, scribbling Harry’s name under the Ginny category.
Hermione was very slowly turning red and she came to grips with her own opinion on the matter. She thought Ron was the hottest. It wasn’t even a question anymore, she liked how tall he was, how he smiled, how angular he was, the lean muscle just underneath his too tight clothes. It all makes her breathing heavy and brain fuzzy. She kept her opinion to herself waiting for the others to start.
Lavender tapped her fingers on her chin thinking deeply, “Ron.” she said firmly. Hermione’s head whipped towards her feeling an odd mix of jealousy and kinship with her roommate. Sometimes it felt like she was crazy for staring at him so long, for watching his lips move when he talked, for… other things.
She found herself nodding, admitting her attraction out loud for the first time, “Ron for me as well.” Lavender gave her an approving smile as though she had finally said something worth listening to. The jealousy was fiery even in the small comradery. Lavender was more attractive than her, Hermione knew that. She was curvy and pretty, with nice wavy blond hair, and perfect teeth. Being beside her made Hermione feel inadequate on a good day, let alone when she was competition for Ron’s attention. She pushed the feeling down trying to force the kinship into its place.
Pavarti looked at the two of them with great apprehension as though they had both gone crazy, "absolutely not, it's clearly Bill!”
Sally-ann insisted it was Charlie, holding out the picture with great confidence. Alice landed on Ginny which earned her a high five from Harry. Dean added his name under George. Seamus insisted it was Fred. And Neville meekly added his name for Percy which ended in a cheer from a rather excited faction that welcomed him with open arms.
The ones from the lower years went next, and Colin (Percy) made the horrible mistake of relaunching the Fred and George debate with a flippent, “well they look the same!”
The argument was what Hermione could only explain as violent the sides claiming one half of the common room, a line drawn in the middle for any poor soul stupid enough to have the same opinion as the foolish Colin. The new troops sat along one side ignoring the loud argument in favor of debating their own newly found groups.
Pavarti, whose opinion of Ron was colored by Padma’s experience at the yule ball started the debate, “How do you think Ron is the hottest?"
Lavender raised an eyebrow, “Tall and muscular.”
Alice rolled her eyes and crossed her arms finding herself next to Harry, “You could say the same for all of them!”
“No Ron is the tallest," Hermione corrected feeling odd being on Lavender's side of a debate, she was glad for her first hand experience with the Weasleys. If she had less shame she would tell them that there was a difference between the type of muscular the Weasleys were. Bill, who was previously the tallest, had been making jokes about being as tall as Ron all summer. By the time they’d gotten to Hogwarts Ron had already grown an inch more. “Not all the Weasleys are that tall, it's sort of split down the middle.”
Harry nodded, “yeah, Charlie, Fred, George, and Ginny all have Molly’s body type, and Bill, Percy, and Ron have Arthur's." He analized, Hermione nodded agreeing with the connection. There was a difference between the type of muscular they were. The ones that looked like Molly had packed muscle the kind that was bulky, the ones that looked like Arthur had more corded muscle still visible but it was the kind you had to look closely to find. Harry continued, “actually those work for more than just body type, its eye colour and wavy hair.”
Dean narrowed his eyes before giving Seamus a look, his question was said with a rye smirk, “So how hot’s Mr. Weasley?"
Harry’s face turned into a horrified pale mess, Hermione’s soon following, “No.” He rasped curling in on himself. Hermione had never thought of it herself, logically it was true the Weasleys got their looks from their parents, but the two radiated such parental energy that there was no way the thought would have organically crossed her mind. Seamus nodded, looking very serious.
“Does anyone have a picture of their parents?” Parvati shouted, getting the mob's attention. There was a second of silence before Lee popped back out from nowhere with an old photo he refused to explain the origins of. It was a wedding photo of Mr. And Mrs. Weasley all smiles and energetic whispers. The common room passed around the photo with scrutiny before there was a collective agreement that the matriarch and patriarch of the family were the reason for the hotness overload.
“No wonder there’s seven of them!” Sally-ann whistled holding up the wedding photo. Hermione tried to wrap her head around the two logical, yet competing, facts in her head. Molly and Arthur were so parental trying to see them as anything else made her feel like her brain was exploding. She couldn’t imagine what their actual children would think of this conversation.
Harry curled deeper into a ball, “I want to unhear that!”
“I mean Mrs. Weasley-”
“Seamus, if you finish that sentence I’m going to kill you.”
~~o0o~~
Whenever the Weasleys found themselves out of the common room at least one group of people was bound to start up the debate again. Of course it wasn’t just the common room, Gryffindors would take every opportunity they had to analyze the growing debate. With two new candidates added some opinions were bound to change with a little bit of prodding.
Hermione found herself in one such conversation in Athrimancy with Alice who took her stance of the only Weasley girl very seriously.
“So what are the criteria we are looking for?” Hermione asked, having finished her work a couple minutes ago, “I mean they all sort of look similar, especially if you go by the parental categories?” She knew she had her favorite of those but she could admit that there was similarity between the seven. They were siblings after all.
Alice crossed her arms, ignoring her own assignment, “I mean if we want to go by uniqueness it's obviously Ginny.”
“She looks like the rest of them, she’s just a girl!” Hermione argued, Ginny was very pretty Hermione could admit, but she looked a lot like Charlie and the twins no matter how you spun it, “there are better criteria to go by.”
“Boobs,” Alice insisted.
Hermione took a deep breath and thought, having no immediate argument for that. She finally came to a conclusion as Alice looked smug, “As nice as that might be it's not the standard of beauty that most people hinge this decision on.”
“I cannot even begin to tell you all the reasons that was a stupid sentence!” she choked out tapping her finger on the desk as she talked, “it's a big part of the equation!"
Hermione crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes accusingly, “Even if I agree with your premise, are you saying she would be less attractive without them?”
“Of course not!” Alice spat, “She has other good qualities!”
Lisa asked flipping around in her chair to peer at the two loud Gryfindors, “What on earth are you two talking about?”
Alice was the one to answer, “Which Weasley.” She said it like it was the most widely known thing in the world. For Gryffindors she supposed it was. A rite of passage to be considered one of the older years.
“Which weasley what?”
“Is the hottest,” this question took the classroom away from their work and towards the debate.
“Out of the four?”
“No seven.”
“But I have no idea what the others look like,” one of the Hufflepuffs asked, “how am I supposed to make an informed decision.”
“Espesaly if it's a debate,” A Ravenclaw insisted.
Sometimes Hermione wondered if the whole phenomenon was some sort of mass psychosis. If that much hotness affected the brain chemistry of her fellow Hogwarts students. She wasn’t one to judge exactly; she had her own opinions on how Ron looked in tight pants. Perhaps the Weasleys had some sort of ancient magic on them, that their beauty alone could bewitch anyone who looked at them. Maybe it was all their beauty competing against each other that was creating these almost identical reactions to this simple question. Like spells bouncing off each other to create something explosive.
Lisa hummed, “do you think we can get a picture of the other two?”
~~o0o~~
Hermione only mentioned this even to Lee and Angalina in passing.
This was perhaps a mistake.
It only took about a few days for the two to gather a weird amount of photos of the other Weasleys.
Hermione had brought a book out to the quidditch pitch to watch the Gryffindors practice. She said it was to support her best friends, and that “I have nothing better to do!” In reality she was watching Ron. He spent a lot of the practice idling, which was entertaining enough in itself. Eyes watching as the uniform stretched across his chest as he breathed. It was nice. It was even nicer when the quaffle came his way, watching his long arms reach for the ball. The smile slowly spreading across his face as he realized the ball was his. Hermione completely abandoned the pretense of her book then. There were a few more people here than normal, a lot of Gryffindors watching the skies and having their own debates, enjoying the eye candy.
Hermione felt a little smug as Ron bounded towards her once his broom hit the ground. Harry stayed back talking with Ginny about something or other. Hermione didn’t care… well maybe she cared a little. She cared for Ginny’s sake, the girl always had a crush on Harry. Hermione just hoped that Harry’s proclamation came with some feelings rather than just his opinion.
Ron was going on about Quiddich, something about the Slytherins new strategy. Hermione didn’t care.What Hermione did care about was watching his backside as he walked in front of her eyes flicking guiltily up whenever he turned back from his rant. Hermione’s eyes moved to his neck, he was still sweaty and he was running his hand through his hair to relieve some of the feeling.
Which Hermione had very normal opinions about. You know what her opinion was backed here! She had evidence! A peer review! He was hot! She wasn’t crazy! She had a booklet and a tally counter to back her up! So yes, very normal opinions!
“Ah Hermione?” Ron asked with a whine of hesitancy in his voice, Hermione finally came back to reality seeing where Ron was standing, suddenly seeing red, “Why are there a bunch of pictures of my brothers on that poster board?”
“Thats odd,” Hermione squeaked a million thoughts about her classmates' stupidity running through her mind. Were they really doing this? She wanted to yell at whoever's idea this was, tell them exactly how this would definitely break rule number one. But currently there was a Weasley to distract from the contest.
Ron made a face squinting his eyes. Most were of the older Weasley's, the ones that no one had seen at Hogwarts for a while but there was a couple of the twins (labelled) and a few of Ginny he thought Colin had taken, “Where did they get these?”
Hermione panicked, taking Ron’s hand and dragging him backward and away from the board. Ron could have easily fought back but followed her confusedly, "That's not the point ummm– lets get back to the dorms you need to change anyway,” she rambled, pulling him across the hall.
“Is that one of me?” Hermione dragged him off toward the pitch pleading for help with her eyes. She was aided quickly as a few ravenclaws covered the board and did a few adjustments. Ron looked at her closely seeing the pink in her cheeks and tried to come up with any reason this might be happening.
Were they making fun of me?
Hermione’s heart was racing a million miles an hour as she pulled him towards the common room.
~~o0o~~
As things tend to do when given to a wider audience… things escalate. Now that all the major oppositions had been taken up by the Hogwarts population this meant arguments started to ensue.
The seven way split of opinion was oddly even between the Hogwarts population. Hermione would have thought more men would have just defaulted to Ginny, but no. Each boy asked thought it through with a focus usually reserved for a quidditch break down or the night before a big test. Each option was heavily considered before a verdict was reached, and the verdict 6/7 time was one of the Weasley brothers.
Hermione tried not to get too involved with any particular argument unless it was particularly stupid. She wasn’t about to let someone get away with calling Ron the least attractive Weasley. That was a stance she couldn’t find in herself to stand. While Ron was Hermione’s favorite there was maret to the idea of ranking the rest of them. Hermione didn’t have as strong an opinion on that (unlike that pillock), she found herself drawn to the rest of them equally.
Hermione could understand having a strong opinion on the subject.
She also knew people had gotten into fights about this in the past.
And in the present.
Actually a lot of people had gotten into rows about this in the last week. The posters had stayed up for only a few hours. But it was long enough to introduce the rest of Hogwarts to Gryffindor's favorite topic. With the Gryffindors being the experts on this subject they were happy to proclaim their favorites to whoever was undecided, preaching like old priests whose only desire was to get as many people out of hell before he kicked the bucket.
There were many preachers, and seven ideologies, all with the same conviction. Some of these preachers have gained a following and those followers were more than willing to fight for their new beliefs.
There were odd gatherings of different groups, people who would have otherwise never gone near each other finding company in fellows of the same kind. Hermione was often given nods by random people and she took in the solidarity with as much grace as she could. The oddest of all was the audience for Gryffindor quidditch practices had grown substantially, from one week to the next. Hermione found herself as not the only person at the fount of the rows. Several new groups of people had taken up her ogling spot. She wanted to shout at them that she had been here first but decided against it finding another spot. A not as good spot.
It all came to a head rather quickly. Hermione watched several arguments escalate over the course of lunch. The Weasleys had been having their own argument over some letter Bill had sent them and so their crazy buffers had been absent from quelling the chaos.
“You can’t think that you tosser!” a Hufflepuff hissed to a ravenclaw. A Gryffindor was standing behind each one, backing up their newfound allies.
“Of course I think that! It's common sense!" The Ravenclaw shouted, getting a bit more attention from the great hall. A few teachers glazed over, it wasn’t entirely uncommon for an argument to break out during dinner. The teachers usually let students figure it out themselves but a few too many physical fights had broken out for any of their liking.
“Fred and George look exactly the fucking same!” the Hufflepuff screeched, lifting themselves onto the Hufflepuff table to lord over the ravenclaw, “There is no way you can tell them apart!”
The Ravenclaw didn’t give in, hoisting themselves to the Hufflepuffs level, “OHHH I get it you don’t see them as individuals. They’re just the twins to you!”
“YES! BECAUSE THEY’RE BASICALLY CONJOINED!”
Professor Flitwick and Professor Sprout finally stood from their chairs. Several others stood at as well fanning out the length of the Hall where other such arguments had already popped up. Hermione watched as Professor Dumbledore didn’t even try to hold in his amusement practically keeled over the edge of the staff table.
A separate argument was happening on the other side of the hall, a Slythrin and a Ravenclaw already rising to hysterics. “PERCY WEASLEY CAN NOT BE THE MOST ATTRACTIVE!"
“BUT HE IS!” the Ravenclaw defended his voice, rising in pinch with each word.
The Slytherin slammed her hands onto the table scratching the old wood as she hammered in her point, “HE LOOKS LIKE A NERD!”
“THAT’S THE MAIN FEATURE!”
“YOU CAN nNOT POSSIBLY BELIEVE THAT!”
Professor Snape looked off into the distance miserably before gliding towards the two rowdy students and their Gryffindor backers. It was too late, the Slytherin punched the Ravenclaw and their Gryffindors gallantly defended them with the four on the floor flapping about with zero grace or sense. Hermione watched Professor Snape with a marginal amount of sympathy.
The closest argument to her was Lisa and Alice’s latest row. Their debate had devolved from being friendly days ago.
“But Bill looks like that!” Lisa argued holding up a picture she had snatched from a board.
“Yeah and so do the rest of them!” Alice accused pointing a finger like a wand, “You have to articulate specifically what you like about them. Pointing to a picture and expecting that to win a debate is stupid even for you!”
“I’m not saying that picking Ginny is a cop out, I'm saying picking the only girl on the list doesn’t make you special!”
“Do we really want to make this all about the boys?” Alice demanded hands landing on her hips.
“Theres six of them Alice! It's statistically mostly about them!”
“Ohhhhhh so when I pick the outlier–”
“EIGHTYSIX PERCENT!”
Katie was eating this up scribbling new names in her notebook as new people expressed opinions on the subject. The book must be filling up fast, Katie was almost at the end of the journal. Perhaps once she got to the end she would start another? Or maybe she would call it quits and tally up the score?
The noise only grew louder as people crowded around the fights taking their own sides or starting the same argument with a different pick. It grew louder and louder and louder till four heads of bright red hair started filing into the hall.
Silence. Dead silence.
Fights broke off, students once watching the debates with baited breath were now leaning casually against the table. Teachers not aware of the rules watched in bewilderment as the chaos that plagued the great hall disappeared. It was like all the students had been replaced with well behaved, innocent little angels. McGonagall knew better though, she shook with anger pointing to the older Gryffindors with a shriek.
“ALL OF YOU, COMMON ROOM NOW-” she gestured to the Weasleys who were hesitantly walking towards the group “-NOT YOU, YOU STAY HERE.”
She snatched Katie's book from her hands, shoving it into her robes. She would have to burn the thing later, there was no way she could let them start it all back up if it was stolen.
The Weasleys stood stark still hands in the air like they were about to be arrested. Similar cries bellowed from the other teachers as they ushered their students away from the scene. Dumbledore rescued the four red heads shepherding them towards the library. The younger (very confused) students were ushered away by Hagrid who found them something to do outside.
Mcgonagall stomped towards her house dorms leading the accused Gryffindor through the portrait hole with a mean glare. Hermione couldn’t remember the last time she saw Mcgonagall this mad, and she had seen her mad before. She almost preferred the stubborn spitting mad to this boiling madness. Like they had broken through her tight bun to realise the madness trapped inside. Once all of the Gryffinors had found a spot to perch she began her scolding.
“This is unacceptable behavior!” Professor McGonagall shouted at the Gryffindors' cringed backwards eyes downcast to the carpet.
“I know it was all of you that started this!” she accused me of circling the fount row like a vulture, “We are better than this! Do you know how many fights I’ve had to break up in the last week!”
“Professor Snape, Flitwick, and Sprout have all had to do the same! This afternoon was the last straw.” With each word the Gryffindors sunk deeper into the ground, McGonagall growing taller with each jerky movement, “never in my life have I had to break up a fight where Gryffindors and Slytherins were on the same side!”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” someone asserted their voice a little too confident for someone sealing their fate, “interhouse unity or whatever.”
“It's not unity if they are still fighting someone!” Mcgonagall fumed.
The poor foolish soul didn’t waver asking another question, “You're not going to tell them why we did this are you?”
She gave the longest most self serious sigh ever pushed into existence. She stared at the ceiling wondering what exactly had brought her to this moment in time, the life choices she had to make for these words to make any sense in this order. “I will make all of you a deal,” she warned her catlike eyes scanning the crowd for descent, “IF, and that is a big IF, you manage to behave yourself and not make my job any harder I won't tell them! But if you do, I will tell them exactly why everyone is in trouble.”
The threat hung heavy in the air as the Gryffindors came to the slow realization that their head of house was blackmailing them. The serious look on her face was kept together with more force than McGonagall had ever needed for anything in her life. She was so close to laughing it might actually have broken her ribs. The sternness was kept up by the chaos she knew would break if she did, this was a battle of wills and she would win!
The common room mercifully broke first, the first rule of The which Weasley contest winning out.
~~o0o~~
Now everyone had made one fatal error in this particular situation. The Weasleys were nosy, and they had been left out of the best gossip Hogwarts had ever had. The Weasleys may not have the self reflection skills needed to come to the conclusion they were hot, but they did have enough to know people were talking about them. Fred and George gathered their available siblings and started their warplan.
“Ok everyone!” George started clapping his hands to get his youngest siblings attention. Ron glared at him, the whole situation sitting wrong in his stomach, “something is up!”
“We think it has to do with us,” Fred grumbled leaning against the desk in the empty classroom they’d converted into a war room.
“Why would you assume it has to do with us?” Ron grouched. He didn’t believe that for a second, it had to be about them. With the way Dumbledore had acted as he escorted them outside it had to be. Ron’s never seen that man more amused in his whole life. Like he was the only one who was in on a big joke.
“Have people been acting weird around you?” Fred retorted, tapping his fingers on the table.
“But everyone's been acting weird,” Ron bleated trying to find any excuse he could, “Harry and Hermione have been acting weird, I think it's a general thing.”
“Colin and Michael have also been acting weird,” Ginny muttered looking completely miserable, “actually Michael was weirdly smug the other day, such an idiot."
Ron snorted, “I thought that was just how he was.”
“Well it doesn’t matter anyway…” she trailed off leaning her cheek into her palm, “I broke up with him! He was being a prick.”
“Before we get into that–” George waved his hands in the air pulling the conversation back to him, “–we have to figure out what's going on,”
Ginny hesitated coming to the obvious conclusion, “If something is going on, and it is about us… that means our friends are in on it and didn’t tell us.”
Ron nodded, biting his lip, “Yeah I’m sure Harry and Hermione would have told me if there was a rumor going around about us.”
“I don’t like it either ok,” Fred sighed, placing a hand on his twin's shoulder, “I asked Lee about it and he tried to convince me I was hallucinating the fights because of a product that had gone bad.”
George exhaled, “Angelina told me a blunder must have gotten me in the head.”
“So what do we do?” Ron growled, “no one’s telling us anything,”
“Weeelllllllll–”
“Just fucking tell us!” Ginny shouted not in the mood to be tested.
“Mcgonagall confiscated a book from Katie during the whole great hall fiasco. I figure we steal it and we read it.” Fred proposed.
Ginny and Ron looked at each other before letting out grumbling consent.
Breaking into McGonagall's office was weirdly easy. It should not have been even remotely that easy. But to McGonagall's credit she had been dealing with a lot the last couple days Ok! You try dealing with a mini war going on! On top of an actual war! She was going a bit crazy and the twins already had a couple test runs trying to break in.
The four Weasleys opened a couple drawers before finding the aforementioned book. They got out of the office within a minute putting everything back in place
At the top of the page read the Which Weasley contest, the four looked at each other before turning the page Katie's blocky handwriting filling every page. At the top of each page were seven names, each on for one of the siblings. Nothing else. George flipped through the book finding page after page of the same chart over and over. George flipped frantically to the last page of the book where there was a total for each Weasley.
About 40 or so for each sibling.
“What the fuck!”
“This is about us!”
A bubbling rage filled Ron’s soul as he watched his siblings flip through the book. What the fuck! He wasn’t the most aware person in the world but he wasn’t evil. Maybe he wasn’t the best at Quidditch or school or anything really but he tried and this wasn’t… It wasn't very nice. He couldn’t think of any actually good reason they would be tallying people up against them.
Ron snatched the book from the twins before storming out of McGonagall's office. His siblings followed behind him their footsteps thundering down the hall towards the +
dormitories. Ron shouted the password so loud the people on the inside could hear him shriek. The fat lady flung herself open as the weasleys thundered in. The common room went silent the second they saw Ron’s expression followed by the equally vengeful expressions on the other three weasleys.
Ron took a deep meaningful breath, calming himself just enough to speak at a reasonable volume. “Ok everyone what the fuck is this!”
Hermione was sitting at the front of the common room with Harry. They looked at the book, then at each other. Oh fuck. Hermione discarded her book on the tea table sitting up straight to hear the fallout. Ron looked steaming, shoulders hunched, fingers flexing on the book. He looked like he might have ripped it apart if it weren't key evidence in his rant.
The Gryffindors had all wondered what this moment would look like. The revelation of their greatest scheme revealed to its targets. They had all silently suspected that they would not believe the real reason for the contest. They were all notoriously dense about their own attractiveness. It was part of the fun, they were so oblivious to their effect on others that trying to calculate it became a game. The game was over now.
George was the next Weasley to speak with a fake edge of humor over his worbily tone, “Come on guys we like a joke as much as everyone else.”
Fred crossed his arms taking on a firm tone, “We just need to be in on the joke,”
“You can’t just make fun of us like this,” Ginny relinquished any pretense the twins tried to put up, she looked about ready to breath fire.
The book was snatched from Ron by Fred who flipped through the pages, he apparently found what he was looking for and frowned, “Really Lee! You’ve on this list too!”
George looked at his own list finding his favorite person under his name, “Angelina!” There was a blankness to his expression that was so out of character it was unsettling.
“Is this like a most annoying list or something!” Ron ripped through the pages of the book looking through the later part of his section where the Gryffindors ended and the other houses started to show up. Lavender’s name was the first person he knew followed by… “really Hermione?” he couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice. He tried to breath through the heartbreak staring at her with all the ill-concealed hurt that filled his veins. She looked down at the ground refusing to make eye contact with him.
“Why did you feel the need to write this down?” Ginny snapped, taking the booklet from Ron. Under her name she found Harry and her heart dropped to hell. Her lips trembled and her usual confidence crumbled as she passed the paper back to Fred. She knew she had been… awkward around Harry when she was younger but did he really find her that bad? She really thought they had become real friends over the summer.
George looked through the other sections, finding the names on the list incomprehensible, “Have you even met Bill Parvati?" he accused, he ran through all the possible scenarios that could have led to Bill having just as many entries as they did, “What did he do to piss so many of you off the last time he was here? “Why the fuck does Charlie have so meany entries? None of you have met him!”
Ginny put her hands on her hips, “Well some of you but not enough for this!”
“We can understand Percy!” Ron exploded, still trying to figure out the logic behind this list, “He's very annoying!”
After the last outburst there was a deadly silence, everyone wondering who would dig deep, find their Gryffindor courage and break the first rule. Lee stood gesturing his hands about a manic expression on his face. He was blushing so hard he looked like he was about to faint, breathing uneven, so nervous he was actually shaking. “Ok so I fear this is a huge misunderstanding!”
Fred took over watching his best friend with cold eyes, “How could we possibly misunderstand this?”
Ginny spoke next, her fists balled itching for her wand, “Is this what all the fighting had been about?” the scope of this whole thing became crystal clear in an instant, “this has names from all the houses!”
“Is that why we weren't included in the scolding?”
“So you see–” He began a forced smile on his face as he tried to explain in a way he would not tell the four people in front of them how hot the room thought they were. He opened his mouth, glanced at Fred and shuttered his jaw. “Nope I can’t do this I would rather jump off the astronomy tower, this is someone else's problem!” He tried to walk out of the common room running past the angry red heads.
He failed.
Fred caught him by the shirt dragging him back. Hermione had never seen Fred look so hurt, his face was scrunched up, his brown eyes almost watery as he looked at his best friend. His voice when he spoke was eerie, “What did I do?”
Lee looked up to his best friend and suddenly felt like digging himself a hole to hell, “It's… it's not about being annoying… that's not the criteria of the Which Weasley Contest.”
“Then what?” he agonized.
Angelina stood up looking embarrassed herself. She made eye contact with George, the first one to do so in the last five minutes. She took a deep breath running a hand through her hair before she broke the first rule, “Who's the hottest.”
The Weasleys blinked. Once, twice, and then third time all in scink. Fred backed away from Lee, his face turning pink, then red, then crimson, then maroon. A similar transformation happened with each subsequent Weasley. Hermione’s face was pink and she covered her face with her hands before spreading her fingers to take a peak at Ron.
He was staring at her, but more like through her. Like he was trying to look at the wall and she was just in the way. His face was so red, his cheeks, his ears, his forehead, even his chin was red.
Hermione didn’t even know that was possible. She took a peak at the rest of them, all in similar states of staring at people. George’s eyes were fixed on Angelina, so wide they were popping out of his skull. Fred was frozen in a ready position as though he wanted to run away but couldn’t force his muscles to, eyes glued solely to Lee who had curled himself into the fetal position. Ginny looked the most calm though the blush gave her panic away. Her eyes on Harry as he squirmed under her scrutiny.
The rest of Gryffindor was doing their best not to make eye contact, Hermione was sure if intense enough stares could burn through things the ceiling would have exploded.
“I’m hallucinating this,” Ginny muttered.
Her brothers spoke in unison, “Same.”
“Soooooo,” “we may have taken it a little far,” Katie agonized.
Katie bit her lip trying to explain the escalation of the situation, “The Gryffindors all had their own opinions… and we tried to get a more diverse set of answers and it turns out it was a pretty even split between people. Like no one could come up with a definitive answer and it turned really nasty when people tried to debate about it.”
“Let me get this straight,” Ginny deadpanned clenching and uncleanching her fingers, “EVERYONE on our branch of the list thinks we are the hottest weasley.”
“Yup.”
“But why?” she rasped eyes springing around the room.
“Do you want individual arguments?”
“NO!” she shouted making a round about the room thrusting her finger accusingly at the Gryffindors, “I WANT TO KNOW WHY IT CROSSED ANY OF YOUR MIND TO THINK WE’RE HOT!”
The question sat for a moment before some brave (stupid) soul said the obvious, “We all have eyes?”
The answer was met with mumbled agreement from the crowd much to the horror of the Weaskeys. Fred stormed out the common room dragging George behind him whose eyes were still fixed on Angelina. Ginny followed them out soon after looking like her entire world had just been flipped on its head. Ron stood there, eyes still pointed through Hermione, the expression turned serious, almost angry.
“Hermione,” she had never heard her name said like that before, she wasn’t exactly sure what emotion was behind it and she had no time to analyze it. Ron crossed his arms and looked to the floor hiding what little emotion was on his face, “come with me.”
He turned on his heel and left the portrait whole. Hermione followed behind giving Harry a terrified look before walking out. His grimace was nowhere close to the comfort she was looking for.
“Why would you say it's me! Well it's not me! What? Did you feel bad or something! Was I not getting enough votes and you felt bad!”
“Of course not!”
“Then why!”
“Well obviously it's because I think you're attractive, you Muppet!”
Ron blinked stupidly at her, “Why!”
“Do I really have to spell it out to you!”
He waved his hands in the air before running a hand through his hair, “MAYBE!”
Hermione was angry now. She had enough sense to know she wasn’t very pretty, that she was plain on a good day and a little frumpy on a bad one. She couldn’t look at this practical adonis and have him believe he was unattractive because if he looked in the mirror everyday and thought he looked plain or frumpy what must he think of her? If she was already so far below him in looks on an unbiased scale how would she be on a scale that tipped him down. It couldn’t possibly be good, what must he think of her, if he thinks so little of himself?
She let it all out counting off the reasons on her fingers, “You're tall, you're muscular, you look like a Greek statue, your hair, your eyes, your face! Hell your stupid freckles even accentuate all that! What are you seeing that I’m not!” she shouted feeling herself raise on her tiptoes bringing herself as close to his eye level as she could get. She was on a roll now, the catharsis of telling him exactly how she felt about him pulling out more and more truths, “You're funny and your kind, and I love the way you laugh! You’re so smart and clever but you never realize it! I love the way you smile. It makes me wanna smile even when I’m so mad at you I can’t think! Why are you so obtuse not to see all that!”
Hermione’s angry breaths filled the air, Ron couldn’t hear any of it because his ears were ringing his face was back to a maroon shade only ever seen on his christmas sweaters.
The realization slammed into him like a blunger slamming into him, “You like me?” it was a soft little question posed half a question, half a statement. Each word rising at the start and falling at the end, “like-like me.”
She crossed her arms deciding defiance was her best way out of this humiliation. “Well spotted.” God, how could she do this? She was going to kill Lee if this ended horribly. She was pretty sure he was part of ringleaders, he felt like the safe bet to take on. Angelina and Katie were both far too fit to take on, but she could definitely kill Lee. He was scrawny enough that it would be easy.
Ron stepped towards her, she stood defiant unsure of the expression on his face or the way his body was moving. He leaned down to her level before taking her face in his hands and kissing her. Hermione stood stunned for a second before wrapping her arms around his neck. He pulled her up with him as he straightened. It was electric! It was pure unfiltered joy. Hermione was smiling so hard it was a bit difficult to kiss him, she supposed it wasn’t so bad as he was smiling just as hard. Kissing him was like a heightened version of everything she’d imagined. It tasted sweet, like the candy he was always eating. It was warm and strong, and well… him.
There was a cheer that broke the two of them apart. They had been so focused on their row they hadn’t noticed the crowd of Gryffindors that had leaked out of the portrait hole to eavesdrop. Hermione would have proppably killed them all if this argument had ended any differently. Thankfully for them it had ended in a kiss and not her rejection.
Harry was laughing really hard while handing Neville a galleon. Ron’s face was still crimson but instead of the previously mortified expression on his face it was that goofy half smile she loved so much.
“Alright all of you rubberneckers can piss off now!”
“I think–” he placed another kiss on her lips, “–I think you’re pretty cool to Hermione.”
A wolf whistle was set their way, “what did I say about pissing off!”
~~o0o~~
The Weasleys never, well and truly never, lived this down. It ended up in a newer addition of hogwarts a History, that much of never. It got back to the oldest Weasleys within days, the expression of Percy receiving the letter was immortalized by a stay camera in the Minister's office doing an interview. When Percy started talking to his family again it got hung in the walls of Weasleys Wizarding Weazes.
In the end watch Weasley cornered their intended in a rather similar fashion that day. Each ending the exact same way. Long story short four of the seven Weasley siblings have the same anniversary.
Mercifully the Weasley parents never found out about this incident. Or any comment made about them personally much to everyone involved’s great relief.
Mcgonagall ended up making everyone scrub the common room from top to bottom though.
It was decided that the real winners of the Which Weasley Contest were Hermione, Lee, Angalina, and Harry. They were the ones who ended up with the true prizes anyway.