Chapter Text
There was a man lifting a box into the back of a carriage.
His hair was a dirty blond that tickled the back of his neck, some of it tucked into the back of his shirt. His hands and what Subaru could see of the back of his neck were slightly tanned, but his arms weren’t. Even from the back, Subaru could tell that he’d done a decent amount of physical labour in his time. But even then, the sound of his breathing showed that he was past his prime. The clothes he was wearing were worn, not in the sense that they were ragged, but that they had lasted him quite a while now; a roughly mended tear poked out of the back of his waistcoat, mainly noticeable from how he hadn’t matched the colour of the thread to the off-white linen of his shirt.
On his right arm, there was a bandage, woven thick to the point where it was more along the lines of a cast.
The carriage was the type usually used by merchants. Roofed and bodied in wood and waxed cloth, a bird logo on the side denoting some company or another. From what Subaru could read of it, the company was named Rob-something. A bored looking ground dragon was harnessed at the front, it was making the same face that Frufoo did when Otto started wailing about something or other, like it was done with the situation.
“Here, let me give you a hand.”
The box was heavier than it looked, but Subaru was more than happy to help. Even if his whole ‘one good deed a day’ thing he told Emilia-tan was made up, he might as well still try to make it real. With the box in, the man leant against the step of the carriage.
His hair hung over his eyes as he panted.
“ ‘Cor, thanks mate. You mind giving me a hand with that long one next?”
There were a few huffs as he got the words out. But then they got to work with it. Subaru took one end while the man took the other. There was a bit more shuffling than with the last due to the box’s shape. He’d been calling it a box, but it was more like a small crate really.
“If you pull this up into the carriage there it’ll go in smoother. I can still push with this arm, the picking things up is the problem.”
Subaru stood and let the man take a breather after the box was in. The inside of the carriage was pretty cramped from all the boxes, but glancing around there was a small space for a bedroll near the front. The man stepped up after him and craned his neck to take a look at the interior of the carriage.
“Looks like I’ll be able to strap it in on that stack in the back, just give me a mo’.” He glanced over at Subaru, his gaze lingering for a second through his shaggy fringe. “Feel free to take a pew for a mo’.”
Subaru leant back against the interior wall of the carriage, it was sturdier than it looked. There was a minute of fumbling with the buckles to hold the boxes in place for rough travel, the metal and leather clinking to the floor.
“Mind helping me get the box over?”
They struggled it over and into place, chatting a bit as they moved it over. It was as the two of them were refastening the buckles that the man asked Subaru a question. There was something in his tone that Subaru couldn’t place. Something strange, almost concerned.
“Y’not from around here, are you?”
“Nah, I’m just here for the day.”
Subaru was just wandering the streets of Baymire while Emilia-tan and Otto were at a meeting that required ‘sensitivity’. Whatever that meant. It was a pretty town, situated in the curve between a large oxbow lake and a river. Thatch and cobble houses. In the meantime, everyone else was staying back at the new mansion, Beako included. She was having a day with the Ryuzus.
The man hummed an acknowledgement, before startling.
“Shit- Fuck.”
This of course startled Subaru in turn. “What’s wrong?”
The man had quickly backed away to the door of the carriage with a hand over his face. His shoulders shook slightly as he gestured to the back, where the box they had just fastened was.
“There’s a fuckin’ spider.”
That made some level of sense. Even if Subaru thought that a guy who travelled for work in a fantasy world should be used to them after a while. Perhaps he hadn’t been doing this for very long? Maybe he just loved his job even with the creepy-crawlies everywhere.
“Here, let me get it for you.”
Subaru heard the man moving around behind him as he worked. There was a clicking and the sound of shuffling feet. Like he was fiddling around with something. Probably to get his mind off of things.
…?
“Huh, did it go behind the box? You know, they’re meant to be more afraid of you than you are than them. Or something.”
He took a step back. The plan was to look around the side of the boxes to see if it was down there, as he couldn’t see it around the back. But his plan was put on hold when his stepping away caused him to back into the man.
Subaru woke up with a start.
The last thing he remembered was having a sweet-smelling cloth held over his mouth and nose. Unable to fight back properly as his body was pushed forwards into the boxes, which had him focus more on catching himself than defending himself. Rookie mistake.
“Hey, heyyy.”
That was the man. That was his voice-
“Shhhh, you’re alright. You’re alright. I’m sorry about all of that. I didn’t mean to be so rough with you, you surprised me a little, that’s all.”
He was acting like Subaru was some small forest animal caught in a beartrap.
“Listen to me. If you calm down, I’ll remove the gag, alright. I’m sure you’re thirsty.”
…Subaru was thirsty. He didn’t know what the man wanted either. The man might have had a good reason for kidnapping him. There was no way to know if he didn’t ask.
He was helped to sit up, his body leant against a wall. Through his shirt Subaru could feel that he was leaning against wood, shifting let him know that it was wooden beams; he was still in the carriage. Underneath him was what felt like a bedroll. He remembered how those felt from the Sanctuary, not anywhere near as good as futons.
“Here, I learned this trick from a boy last year.”
A straw was pressed to his mouth. It wasn’t plastic, but it definitely worked the same.
“Didn’t even have to tell you how to use it. Heh. ‘Parently, Garden Ladies use these so they don’t mess up their lipstick.”
His tone was casual. Like he was making normal conversation. Which was quite possibly the strangest part of the situation thus far. What was with this guy? He kidnaps Subaru, then says he’s not going to hurt him, and is now chatting.
Subaru thanked him for the water before asking the all important question.
“Ah.” The man spluttered. “Well- uh- don’t get mad.”
His voice was one that Subaru had heard from himself several times. Embarrassed and a little bit guilty. Like when Ram had found out he’d borrowed one of the maid dresses.
The man took time trying to find his words. Choosing them carefully while Subaru sat.
Subaru shifted as he waited. It was only his hands that were tied, and they were even tied in front of him! He wasn’t a big fan of blindfolds from the last time he was kidnapped, even if he completely understood where Garf was coming from with that. From what he could tell, his wrists were tied securely with a strip of cloth, while the blindfold was also a strip of cloth, but one of a thicker material. He could see a sliver of what was below him if he looked down.
“So, you helped me out, right?”
There was a pause, he was waiting for Subaru to respond. Subaru nodded.
“Right, so uh, I figured you could help me out a bit more?”
If this guy could sense miasma and was going to use Subaru to bait Mabeasts, Subaru was going to hit him as soon as his hands were free.
“I’ve just been...really stressed out with work recently. You’re a nice lad, you wanted to help me.”
Previously, the Witch Cultists had taken him because of the Miasma, Betelgeuse keeping him because he thought he was Pride; Garf again was because of the Miasma, keeping him locked up out of reasonable fear that he was a Cultist. So, what was this guy’s angle.
“Plus! You’ll be getting something out of this as well!”
He’s going to pay Subaru to act as Mabeast bait?
…Then the man put a hand on Subaru’s leg.
“I won’t do anything you won’t like.”
Oh.
“Please don’t.”
The hot breath stopped just an inch from his face.
Subaru’s arms in their tied-up state had been hooked around the man’s neck, like a lover’s embrace. His legs had been parted, and he could feel the man kneeling between them. His body no longer against the wall, but pulled forwards to lie upon the bedroll.
“Hm?”
The man stilled. There was no way for either of them to pull away like this. Subaru had messed up. He’d made a mistake.
“Oh, no kissing?” A pause, he was waiting for a response, Subaru nodded. “ ‘Course. Never on the first date, right?”
Subaru couldn’t stop himself from laughing, incredulous. What sort of nutjob said something like that? The man had kidnapped Subaru, tied him up, then agrees not to kiss him. He was about to- to- do things to him, yet agrees not to kiss him?
“Guess we’ll just get straight to the fun part.”
A sudden jolt of fear ran through Subaru. The ‘fun’ part. The man started the slow process of unbuttoning Subaru’s shirt, giggling to himself a little as he did so; Subaru pulled along with his movements. Until- the man stopped.
Fingertips began to ghost over his scars.
They were traced, followed, mapped out by hands Subaru did not know. Water magic meant that they were healed without issue, but that didn’t mean there weren’t any issues at all. His scars were sensitive, even more so there with how hyper-aware he was of everything the man did.
A thumb dragged across the scar Elsa gave him and onto the bite-scars.
Subaru couldn’t help but shudder and gasp, like the man had reopened the memory. After all, they too had Subaru right where they wanted him: in a state where he could have fought back harder, but didn’t.
“You must have been so brave.”
What was he saying?
“It must have taken a lot of strength to deal with wounds like these.”
Subaru’s breath hitched.
“I got bit by a dog once. It was terrifying, and it took ages to heal! I was sixteen at the time, I can’t imagine having to deal with these as a kid.”
Of course he thought Subaru was a kid. But even still, no one had really comforted Subaru after of the Wolgarm incident. They had noticed. Plenty of people had noticed. He’d used it for pity-points as a manipulation tactic before.
So why was the man bringing it up?
“Is this your first time?”
The man was inside of him. Not inside him-inside him, but his fingers, slicked with an uncomfortably cool substance. Oil?
Subaru nodded, this wasn’t the first time anyone had been ‘inside him’, if Satella and Betelgeuse counted. But this was just another hand. It didn’t count yet. So what was the point in lying? Subaru then realised that the man probably wanted a proper response.
“Yes, it is.” What did girls say in books? “Please be gentle.”
“Of course I will, you don’t have to worry about a thing.” The affection in his voice was audible. “I’m so grateful that you’re willing to share this with me."
Was it so wrong for Subaru to want someone to hold him?
So wrong to want someone to love him; to keep him close; to not push him away?
For touches with friends that are more than an arm around the shoulders and a nudge to the side to the occasional two second hug?
To be held and not just hold, to just have someone there, arms to weep into, something-anything even if it hurts?
Even if it was terrifying it was still someone who cared enough to want him, wasn’t it?
Why do they all leave?
Why don’t they understand?
Why is it that friendship dictates that things mustn’t go further?
It’s always so cold and wrong and is it him? Is it that he’s disgusting? He tries to follow boundaries and he’s trying so hard to do everything right.
It’s so terrifying all the time. Why is he alone? What is he doing wrong because he’s not alone, there are people everywhere!
Someone brushed against his side the other day and it felt so good-he felt sick so sick. There was something wrong with him deep inside that was broken and it can never be fixed and no matter how many times people say they love him-they care about him, he still always dies feeling so alone.
Nothing is ever enough-nothing is ever enough and it hurts it burns it freezes it’s like lightning down his spine and he needs.
He needs anything to make himself feel human instead of a shell and this isn’t it. This physically cannot be it, but he doesn’t have a choice. So at the very least he can try make this good, can’t he?
He doesn’t want this, but he needs something.
What’s wrong with him? Did Satella break him? Was he broken? Was it Rem? Was it Echidna? Was it Emilia-tan? Was it the fact that Betelgeuse is inside him even still?
There was so much love to give and that didn’t make it any better. Why won’t it stop-why won’t it ever fucking stop?
He feels sick, this is horrifying, but he hasn’t said no to it has he?
Because it’s something.
Why did it have to be something?
Why did something have to happen to him? Why did any of it happen to him? Doesn’t the universe realise that something won’t stop this desperate ache? He needs the world to love him back. He needs everything he wants he wants he wants he wants he wants and he needs it all back! He needs it like how Satella eating him felt like a hug. He wants his parents back; he wants Emilia-tan to love him; he wants Rem back in any way she’ll want him; he doesn’t want them to stop but they’re going to stop. He’s going to mess up again and everyone will leave him again and again and again and he can’t stop it.
He didn’t say no.
He’s just as much of a void as she is. He just takes everything he can and then everything that comes out is so malformed that no one understands no one will ever understand how much it hurts. No matter how much people say he is loved they are wrong, because no matter how much love there is there is never enough and he can try as hard as he can, but his love is never seen the same way and they’ll all leave him.
They’ll all realise he’s not worth it. Even Satella will realise he’s not worth it and maybe then he can die and get away and it’ll all be over and it’ll stop hurting because not a day goes by where it doesn’t stop hurting and why would he say no to something that will at the very least make it hurt less even if its sick, he’s sick, the man is sick, the world is sick.
But it’s something.
He’s lying down on a bedroll and it’s not even the most uncomfortable he’s ever been and it feels wrong and there is no love anywhere in this place, but it is something.
“ ?”
Subaru felt like he was underwater.
Sound was muffled from the rushing in his ears; his eyes stung; his body was both weightless and heavy; he was tethered to nothing, about to drift away.
There was noise. Something was making noise.
“ ?”
Where was he? What was happening?
“ ?” “ ?”
His head snapped to the side. The rushing in his ears turned to ringing. What was that?
“Oh, I’m so sorry, that was a little too harsh.”
Subaru had been slapped.
“N-no, it’s alright. I’m sorry. What were you saying?” What was Subaru saying?
“I was asking you if it felt good?”
It was like a record screech.
“I just… want to make sure you had as good a time as I did. You started crying halfway though, so…”
…Oh God. Oh Buddha. Oh Emilia-tan. Oh Dragon. He was genuine.
What was Subaru supposed to say? He hadn’t felt much of anything. It was over? How long had it been? Why was he asking? He’d been crying?
“Y-es. It was… not what I’d expected. In a good way! I-” He needed to get out of here. He’d taken things too far. What was he doing?
The man kissed him on the cheek.
“Thank you, I’m so glad. I love you.”
He was genuine.
“W-wow! On the first date? Isn’t that a little too soon? Haha!” A croak or a laugh, it was all the same.
“Do you want me to give you a ride home?”
Huh?
Subaru didn’t know how long it had been. But after a bit of cuddling his tears had finally dried up and most of his shaking had stopped.
“I’m heading East, if your place is on the way I can drop you off.”
The new mansion was a ways East of Baymire. But Subaru didn’t want this man to know that. To know where he lived. To go anywhere near it. To go anywhere near any of the people in it.
“My friends are probably still in town; I’ll ride home with them.”
The blindfold had slipped enough that he could see outside the window. It was sunset.
“You came into town with friends?”
Subaru had messed up. Now that the man knew he wasn’t going to do it.
“Sorry about all this then, if I’d had known I would’ve asked you out proper.”
“Don’t worry about it. Do you know if Baymire has a Guard Station?”
The man’s arms around him tensed.
“Why do you want to know.” It wasn’t a question.
“Because-” Tense. “My friends probably think I’m missing. They’ve probably asked the guards for help.” As if that was believable.
Relax.
“It’s just off the market. I’ll walk you there.”
Somehow Subaru had convinced the man that his work was more important than walking him to the Guard Station. They were standing a little ways outside the village.
“Can I see your face?”
The man had untied his arms and blindfold. He was standing behind Subaru.
“I- I just want to see you. To thank you. Properly.” Subaru was going to throw up.
The man turned Subaru’s body around-
-and hugged him.
“You’re so kind to me.”
He kissed the top of Subaru’s head while Subaru desperately tried to remember how to hug someone back.
Subaru caught a brief glimpse of his face when the man let go of him.
The man turned and walked over to his carriage. He waved at Subaru as he got in. For some strange reason, Subaru waved back. Subaru watched as the carriage drove off until it was small. Then walked to the nearest bush.